tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-91418403453056045602024-02-02T02:54:42.911-08:00RUMBLEMETRICSACTUALLY THAT IS A MISLEADING TITLE AS THERE ARE ABSOLUTELY NO METRICS TO SPEAK OF HERE BUT INSTEAD PROFOUNDLY POETIC *IMPRESSIONS* OF EVERY ROYAL RUMBLE EVER "PRETENDFOUGHT" WRITTEN IN A THREE WEEK BINGE IN JANUARY 2012 CULMINATING IN THE TWENTY-FIFTH ANNIVERSARY EDITION OF THIS THE BEST KIND OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING MATCH AND THERE WILL BE NO OTHER POSTS TO THIS BLOG EXCEPT FOR ONCE-ANNUAL UPDATES WHEN THERE IS ANOTHER ROYAL RUMBLE TO TALK ABOUT AND SO SHALL IT BE UNTIL THE END OF DAYS THNXケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-24090612996778809682018-01-04T19:06:00.004-08:002018-01-04T19:27:45.327-08:002018 NEW JAPAN RUMBLE<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHfPS4S6bvluMi7AxR3rB4KN229AYaXTJxdwEAF1phcT_xFD6usxLiKRUihlV3c1UrGrin6gaGCpByoq2mTBXq4BSW3lS0yEf5u6wAQMUKhQr0lIKA_gP7sF-Glbn_U2LLAS3pOWUcHIHp/s1600/4.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="background-color: #444444; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="495" data-original-width="933" height="169" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHfPS4S6bvluMi7AxR3rB4KN229AYaXTJxdwEAF1phcT_xFD6usxLiKRUihlV3c1UrGrin6gaGCpByoq2mTBXq4BSW3lS0yEf5u6wAQMUKhQr0lIKA_gP7sF-Glbn_U2LLAS3pOWUcHIHp/s320/4.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: #444444; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">FREED OF THE SPECTACLE-CAPITAL/NIHILIST-FASCIST TYRANT'S YOKE OF ROYAL RUMBLES (I made a post about this; it is just below this one if you missed it; but that's really all I said; you're up to speed already) LET US INSTEAD TURN OUR ENERGIES AND ATTENTIONS AND READINESSES TOWARDS RUMBLES FAR NOBLER, LET US WITH HEARTS FILLED WITH LOVE AND COURAGE IN THE NAME OF CHRIST OUR KING (or in the name of whoever, I am not trying to boss you on this point) NOT ONLY READY OURSELVES TO RUMBLE BUT IN FACT TO <i>NEW JAPAN</i> RUMBLE AND INDEED TO <i>NEW JAPAN RUMBLEMETRIC</i> as we file into the yawning vastness, the fortress and fastness, of the <span lang="ja" xml:lang="ja">東京ドーム</span> <i>Tōkyō Dōmu</i> aka TOKYO BIG EGG (nobody says that any more though our age yearns for poesy) for this preliminary and yet crucial contest that opened </span><span style="color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">WRESTLE KINGDOM 12 in 東京ドーム 2018年1月4日 which you will have perhaps already noted is really just earlier today, that's wild. I have been up since pretty early! </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #444444; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">AND HERE WE GO IT IS KITAMURA who is as tanned as any Japanese person has ever been excepting only *possibly* Yoshihiro Akiyama but he holds Korean citizenship as well doesn't he but I don't see any point getting all that deep into that. Kitamura is as unspeakably swole as one might expect of a former national-level freestyle wrestler banned forever for his deep and abiding desire for performance enhancing drugs. He's great! He flexes his pectorals and I, here, whilst couch-sat, do the same to him as salute and silent tribute. Something else I like about Kitamura is that he shares his surname with a key figure in the history of Kodokan judo <i>ne-waza</i> and I feel pretty hard that they should do an angle about that. In next is BUSHI of the least governable faction in New Japan presently although it doesn't really work to say that does it as Suzuki-Gun is at least as ungovernable and in truth probably way more. I believe entrances are but one minute apart, an interval rendered all the briefer by the uncommon distance these græppzmen must traverse from the locker room (please bring your own locks everybody, they don't always have extra) to the ring several million miles away. There is very little time before DELIRIOUS who is indefensible enters and he is dressed like an awful lot of people you have seen wrestling at say the Lion's Club but he is the ROH booker if I am not mistaken so he comes by his æsthetic honestly. He is floored repeatedly by Kitamura as one would expect. And now it is the fairly tall LEO TONGA and as he approaches the ring I should remind you (and myself, frankly) that eliminations here occur not merely from over-the-top/to-the-floor hurlings but also by pinfall and submission which I actually really like as it lends a </span><span style="background-color: #444444; color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ファイヤープロレスリング <i>Fire Pro Wrestling </i>battle-royale feel to the proceedings and I acknowledge freely and openly that I am almost certainly confusing cause and effect and the primary and secondary worlds of creation and subcreation but I am going really fast here. MANABU NAKANISHI EATS AMAZING BREAKFASTS AND IS SUPER STRONG and people who mind how slowly he moves in recent years are not my kind of people, at least not in this regard. CHASE OWENS DESU and this guy has in a low-key way the worst physique in wrestling, just a shitty slopshow and this big dumb gut without actually having any size; his asslessness, despite all the stuff he's got sloshing around throughout his lower half, leads to a constant need to pull up his pants. It's really quite something. That anyone allows a man so clearly lacking in discipline to perform that gnar-looking package piledriver on them is beyond me but Delirious takes one now and is awkwardly pinned. Nakanishi racks Bushi and tosses him up and over as THE GREAT YUJI NAGATA enters and do you remember how last year Nagata and Nakanishi had an impossibly good match that one time? Bryan Danielson has said Yuji Nagata is the best wrestler he has ever worked with and I feel like I can see it. Also he has one of the greatest records in all of mixed martial arts: 0-2 with losses to Mirko Cro Crop and Fedor Emelianenko (the Cro Cop fight was a nice clean knockout, as I remember it, but the Fedor one was awful, though not at all long: Fedor hit him several times, and Nagata, though still conscious, pretty much couldn't believe how much it hurt when that happened; Fedor looked to the referee like "do I have to hit him more times?" and the referee was like <i>yoshi</i> and so he did and it was awful). NAGATAAAAAAAAAA</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #444444; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">TAKA MICHINOKU has changed so little in all these years other than that his hair looks more like Astro Boy now than before. Nagata has craftily pinned Nakanishi in a crafty <i>ura-gatame </i>but immediately thereafter, like before that first <i>osaewaza</i> is even released, Nagata is rolled to his back and set upon by Kitamura and Owens (a staggering contrast in bodytype) and actually is held down by the weight of the eliminated Nakanishi too and that is a New Japan Rumble wrap on Nagata who if I recall correctly maybe won this same match at Wrestle Kingdom 9 and faced Shinsuke Nakamura (it's so weird that he just up and retired after WK10 and hasn't been heard from since; I hope he's well) for the IWGP Intercontinental Championship in a really good match the month after? There is no time to look this up as Owens has just package-piledriven and eliminated Kitamura which is an obscenity, Young Lionhood or not. <i>Pull your pants back up over where an ass would be if you ever did squats Chase Owens</i>. YOSHINOBU KANEMARU is in next so Suzuki-gun, who have sort of stunk up their portion of the midcard since returning from NOAH, holds a two-on-one advantage over Chase Owens of the Bullet Club, I don't know, c-team? And now it is DESPERADO so this is an extra bad scene for Chase Owens aside from just the physical fact of him which cannot be an easy burden. Kanemaru mists him (a colourless mist, this mist) and Owens is tossed. Who might stand against this triumvirate of Suzuki-gunnists?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #444444; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">WHO INDEED BUT JUSHIN THUNDER LIGER YES HIS MUSIC IS THRILLING TO EAR-BEHOLD AND THE PEOPLE NOT ONLY WELCOME BUT DEMAND HIM EAT SHIT EVERYBODY AND BY SHIT I MEAN <i>SHOTEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII</i> AND OTHER SIGNATURE <i>WAZA</i> OF OUR AGELESS HERO who is getting stomped down in the corner now but that was great. They are trying to unmask him which is poor form but we have all seen old Stampede tapes; there are no real surprises to be had. Jushin Thunder Liger's little buddy TIGER MASK is next and say what you will about the current Tiger Mask (IV?) but the crowd is still in. They work to unmask him as well! But Tiger Mask nearly unmasks Desperado! What a turn! And now there is a trap beat and I don't know to whom it might belong. GINO GAMBINO is utterly new to me and this unfortunate sack of a man does not move well or with any real confidence, does he. In an interesting bit of business Tiger Mask and Desperado rip each other's masks off at the same instant! They cover their faces, naturally, but this is ineffective martially and they are rolled up and pinned. Oh no Taka got Liger too! Hirai Kawato, tracksuited young lion of ringside, high school judoman turned yungboi, takes the very shirt from his back and offers it to the maskless Tiger so that he might conceal his shame. Another young lion does this too but Hirai Kawato is my favourite one so it is him I wish to direct your attention to principally. So it's just Taka Michinoku and Gambino? </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #444444; color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A lariat later and it is but Gambino himself who awaits . . . a newly tribal Henare? Forgive me as I have not watched as many New Japan undercards of late as I have in the past so perhaps this new aspect Henare has taken up is news to no one but me. He's doing well as YOSHI-HASHI enters and he is the strangest guy in that I continue to have almost no interest in or opinion of him despite him having all kinds of totally good matches. His pants no longer say LOOSE EXPLOSION on them which seems like a step in the wrong direction but maybe he felt like he needed a new way to connect with people. He does some kicking until DAVID FINLAY sprints to the ring and he is an interesting case isn't he as he was allowed to grow his hair out and adopt furry boots after his young lion period *without* going on excursion. He has stunner'd Gambino and now Henare too is gone and now Yoshi-Hashi is craftily rolled up and pinned by this fiery young Finlay (his dad, Fit, seems like a * f a k e * tough guy to me but maybe I'm not right about that at all). In next is Yujiro Takahashi and his ladyfriend who wears a rabbit mask and little else and it is remarkable that Yujiro with his sexguy gimmick has nothing on the naturally weird sexual energy exuded by his tremendously better brother Hiromu; all Hiromu has to do is lick one belt one time and then it haunts you endlessly. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">CHEEEEEEESEBURGER DESU and the legends say that this like one-hundred-twenty-pound guy is pretty much Liger's favourite guy and lol holy cow this guy is </span><i>over</i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> in the Tokyo Dome! Was he maybe the runner up to "Big/Internet-Disgraced" Michael Elgin in one of these? Maybe even last year? THE CHANT OF CHEESE-BUR-GER IS HERE AS THOUGH HE WERE MA-E-DA MA-E-DA YES GO CHEESEBURGER. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #444444; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">KOJIMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YES WE ARE ALL A BREAD CLUB ESPECIALLY ANDREW WHOSE BREAD HE LIKED ON TWITTER and Nick was right: Kojima has maybe the perfect ring gear: contemporary yet classic, functional yet not without true style. Kojima's G1 match with Okada was probably my favourite match all year just in terms of the feelings that I had from it. NO DO NOT FIGHT WITH CHEESEBURGER YOU ARE NATURAL ALLIES BECAUSE OF BUNS and here next is Tenzan, Kojima's truest and best friend. Remember two G1s ago where the story was Kojima gave up his spot in that, the greatest of tournaments, so that <i>his friend</i> Tenzan could have one final go at it? And then he would accompany him to all his matches and cheer for <i>his friend</i>? It was the story of the sumer: Kojima and Tenzan <i>are friends. </i></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #444444; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3;">Perhaps the only thing greater than fellowship is </span><span style="color: white;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZ9Dc-uL3kI">THE UWF THEME</a> (</span></span><span style="background-color: #444444; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">it isn't better than fellowship) and we hear it next! OKAY even better than that extraordinary theme is that the seemingly eight-thousand-year-old KAZUO YAMAZAKI stands up from the commentary table and takes off his jacket to reveal not only a stylish scarf but <i>his</i> <i>hunger for the fight</i> but no it is not Yamazaki who is called today but instead 垣原 賢人 KAKIHARA MASAHITO who had cancer of some kind (this I will check: yes, malignant lymphoma) for kind of a while but I guess is better now and you will recall no doubt the KAKIRIDE 8/14/17 Korakuen Hall show that featured the following card: </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin_aG91JyvD5-fFE-KQ6dvby57Tms-Y2sSdMfdvqGhO8sinLYlFGzugJXXhVzub19I118z9JvURBw41FhkCqFnRoWZbukHujzQCwcb0it4i1IV89slfkH_vrSlme3GfmhDZ1swfeY06Yq-/s1600/DFep39LVwAAEFIB.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="background-color: #444444; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="403" data-original-width="847" height="152" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin_aG91JyvD5-fFE-KQ6dvby57Tms-Y2sSdMfdvqGhO8sinLYlFGzugJXXhVzub19I118z9JvURBw41FhkCqFnRoWZbukHujzQCwcb0it4i1IV89slfkH_vrSlme3GfmhDZ1swfeY06Yq-/s320/DFep39LVwAAEFIB.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: #444444; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This is all to say that taste levels are <i>dangerously high</i> right now as he enters in a GERMAN SUPLEX THE EVEREST STYLE t-shirt (in support of the gravely injured Yoshihiro Takayama) atop a Kazushi Sakuraba WATER rashguard (it troubles me still that Sakuraba is no longer with NJPW and I wish it were otherwise). Tenzan and Kojima are just brutalizing people right now such as for example Yujiro, who is gone. Tenzan and Kakihara pair up in one corner whilst Kojima and Cheeseburger do the same in another and lol Cheeseburger tries to do those rapid-fire Kojima chops in the corner and it is a genuine delight. Ahahahahahah <i>yessssss</i> so when Kojima yells ICCHAUZO BAKAYARO and ascends the turnbuckle to drop his elbow, Cheeseburger just super slowly rolls away and Kojima is like "woah this is new" and everyone is having a lot of fun. Because of their generous hearts, both noble men of TenCozy make much of Kakihara's kicks and open-hand strikes, and lol Kojima has a very funny face on as Cheeseburger attacks! AHHHH HUBRIS as TenCozy charge recklessly towards their seemingly slight foes, who drop low, sending their burly pursuers over the top <i>to their ruin</i>. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #444444; color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">THE 2018 NEW JAPAN RUMBLE HAS ALL COME DOWN TO MASAHITO KAKIHARA AND CHEESEBURGER JUST AS EACH OF US KNEW IT WOULD FROM THE MOMENT OF OUR BIRTH and Kakihara's shooter stance is really quite moving to me right now. AS IS HIS KAKICUTTER/OSOTO-GARI/</span>大外刈<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">/ * S P A C E * T O R N A D O * O G A W A * THE <i>WAZA </i>WITH WHICH HE FINISHES CHEESEBURGER AND WINS THE DAY: </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #444444; color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">LOOK HOW PROUD YAMAZAKI IS:</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #666666; color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Kakihara, to his immense credit, dons once more his Takayama t-shirt and speaks to the crowd at least in part about his friend's horrible situation. Funds are being raised, like for instance through a downloadable Takayama you can get for Fire Pro (which, if you are reading this, there is a reasonably good chance you have [Fire Pro, I mean], and if you don't have it, you really might want to get it, unless your reason is that you already have a Fire Pro that is set up just too perfectly for you to ever truly love another, which I totally get, because the one I have for my little Game Boy is so pure) but of course if you are not in a position to offer support of that kind please spare a thought or prayer for Yoshihiro Takayama, whose physical destruction came in no small part because of either us or people like us. Please note that </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">the back of this shirt says an amazing thing: </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #444444; color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">EVEN THOUGH<br />THE BODY SCREAMS,<br />THE SOUL WILL NOT DIE!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #444444; color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">SOMEDAY</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #444444; color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">THE EMPEROR WILL.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #444444; color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Hey in addition to the New Japan Rumble I watched the rest of the Wrestle Kingdom 12 matches today and maybe you did too so let us speak briefly on them:</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #666666; color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">THE YOUNG BUCKS vs. ROPPONGI 3K was weirdly old-fashioned, in a way, and probably a best-case-scenario Young Bucks match that I think even those most firmly opposed to young bucking would have to be like "well, <i>ok</i>" about in that it was just a lot of great selling by young (non-buck) Yohei Kometsu as they went to town on his back. After that dive I thought he was really hurt for real! They <i>fooled</i> me, Jerry! Sho and Yoh were super good as young lions and they continue to be excellent in their new role where Rocky Romero shoots off fire extinguishers on their behalf. Meltzer Driver to Sharpshooter is a <i>renraku-waza</i> to be feared. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">THE TRIOS GAUNTLET TAG MATCH was pretty good, especially when the poet-clown Toru Yano evaded Taguchi's </span><i>tobi</i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">-buttstrike for the roll-up and also when Tomohiro Ishii hoisted aloft the fattest Bad Luck Fale we have yet seen. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">KOTA IBUSHI vs. CODY was an awful lot better than I thought it would be and I think Cody and Brandi Rhodes were a really good act, like a really good </span><i>act</i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">, you know? Kota Ibushi remains a beautiful man obviously. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">EVIL & SANADA are my favourite tag-team and I can't think of anyone who has derived greater long-term benefit from an excursion than Sanada's journey to Moncton to study under/observe "shoot" skids. DAVEY BOY SMITH JUNIOR wears his father's </span><i>No Mercy</i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> attire and LANCE ARCHER is a human so large that I haven't properly come to terms with it ever. Good match! I liked before the opening bell where Tiger Hattori admonished Lance Archer for not having his hair tied back. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">HIROOKI GOTO vs. MINORU SUZUKI was a really good one and don't be like "uhhh yeah it had Minoru Suzuki in it" because love him though we all do, that guy had some stinkerz last year, like some truly wretched G1 matches. But this was not one! </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The IWGP JR. HEAVYWEIGHT FOUR-WAY was a sickening display of contemporary English wrestling </span><i>shit</i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> getting the nod over Hiromu Takahashi, who is fvkkn bananas, and Kushida, who is my sweet boy. DUD. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">HIROSHI TANAHASHI vs. JAY WHITE was pretty good and I am always pleased to see Tanahashi do his big show matches but the Jay White(who I like)ness of the whole deal didn't really add a lot maybe? </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">KENWOOD OMEGA vs. CHRIS JERICHO was better than I expected it to be and I felt bad that Omega's cut didn't bleed more because I am sure he really wanted it to. He looked very stupid as a Sonic the Hedgehog dog-god or whatever. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">KAZUCHKA OKADA vs. TETSUYA NAITO was so shocking to me! I was stunned! That they ended it! The way that they did! But it was great! And now I very much look forward to New Year's Dash to see who will be next! Maybe Ibushi? Then Ibushi and Omega or something? </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #444444; color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">WHO COULD EVER SAY OR KNOW however something I *do* know (do not at all know) is that there is really no way to account for Masahito Kakihara's New Japan Rumble win outside of the context of how my friends and I spent a bunch of time last year writing about shoot-style with such rigour and <i>heft</i> that we have shifted the entire discourse of fake fighting; NJPW understands this, and does not want to be left behind; this is natural. For more on this exciting new (very old) direction in the future (a past ever-more remote) of græppling æsthetics (it is impossible anyone but us could care about this), please consult the <a href="http://tkscissors.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">TK Scissors</a>, <a href="http://kicksubmissionsuplex.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">Kick. Submission. Suplex.</a>, <a href="http://kingdomofshoot.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">Kingdom of Shoot</a>, and <a href="https://hybridshoot.com/" target="_blank">Hybrid Shoot</a> blogs, and the expertly named <a href="https://fightingnetworkfriends.podiant.co/" target="_blank">Fighting Network Friends</a> podcast.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #444444; color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">MY BEST TO YOU ALL LET US SPEAK AGAIN SOON. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #444444; color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">PLEASE NOBODY ELSE ASK ABOUT THE ROYAL RUMBLE THIS YEAR IT'S NOT HAPPENING. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #444444; color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">THANK YOU IN ALL SINCERITY FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THESE MATTERS; I REALLY DO APPRECIATE YOUR TIME. </span></div>
ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-19058048483194473272017-05-24T10:09:00.000-07:002017-05-24T10:09:53.070-07:00ALL FUTURE ROYAL RUMBLES CAN FVKK OFF<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">HELLO FRIENDS it would seem I am unable to edit this blog's "header" right now, for whatever reason, so instead please see the revised one below, right after I thank you in all sincerity for your attention to and enthusiasm for this blog, which grew out of some writing I did for my CKC message board pals, to whom I owe extra thanks. Thanks!</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">RUMBLEMETRICS</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ACTUALLY THAT IS A MISLEADING TITLE AS THERE ARE ABSOLUTELY NO METRICS TO SPEAK OF HERE BUT INSTEAD PROFOUNDLY POETIC *IMPRESSIONS* OF EVERY ROYAL RUMBLE EVER "PRETENDFOUGHT" WRITTEN IN A THREE-WEEK BINGE IN JANUARY 2012 CULMINATING IN THE TWENTY-FIFTH ANNIVERSARY EDITION OF THIS THE BEST KIND OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING MATCH AND THERE WILL BE NO OTHER POSTS TO THIS BLOG EXCEPT FOR ONCE-ANNUAL UPDATES WHEN THERE IS ANOTHER ROYAL RUMBLE TO TALK ABOUT AND SO SHALL IT BE UNTIL THE END OF DAYS OR UNTIL I CAN NO LONGER BEAR THE WEIGHT OF COMPLICITY WITH FASCIST SPECTACLE-CAPITALIST NIHILISM THNX</span><br />
<br />ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-70014405593275767352017-01-30T19:53:00.002-08:002017-01-30T22:05:09.167-08:002017 ROYAL RUMBLE<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMCF4owopcH6wSU_FvCXmae949lm1anSGHdnxpZ54Ppf6dt1s6eQklXnj1uRst0ASP7Bbvpus1lDGc7Tdl422DvmC2YodRbcWhLdGt03871c3oUM34s55CHeBFvm0Fz44_qzIqyevvx41Y/s1600/C3dOJzuWcAEE8Ol.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="199" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMCF4owopcH6wSU_FvCXmae949lm1anSGHdnxpZ54Ppf6dt1s6eQklXnj1uRst0ASP7Bbvpus1lDGc7Tdl422DvmC2YodRbcWhLdGt03871c3oUM34s55CHeBFvm0Fz44_qzIqyevvx41Y/s320/C3dOJzuWcAEE8Ol.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>why *not* Randy Orton (middle) <br />(my thanks to my old friend Big White Tosh for bringing this picture to my attention)</i></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">FRIENDS AS WE BEGIN LET US FIRST AGREE that to have any interest, enthusiasm, or concern in any respect for the things or ways of World Wrestling Entertainment (its very name a dumbness) in this the year of our lord 2017 is an indictment against taste levels (or lvlz) from which few if any of us are likely to recover; to do so constitutes an ownage, indeed a self-ownage (we speak of these things less now but they are no less with us than in ġēardagum [yore-days]). What is there here beyond muck, shit, and despair? Entrances, I guess? Shame on those apologists or fools (one can be both) who thought Shinsuke Nakamura's arrival here last year (such as it has been, mired as he is in the three-hundred-seat house shows of Florida) would be anything but what it has been: a crime against art <i>yeah against art</i>. Do not speak to me of his match against Sami Zayn, Nakamura's worst singles main event in years, as a counterexample; do speak to me, though, of his bafflingly awful bouts with Samoa Joe, because we need to figure out how those have even been possible. "But A.J. Styles!" one will doubtless interject to defend this dreck, to which I will reply that yes his WWE matches have been uniformly excellent so far if you don't want matches to have the match part of the match. How has this all gone so poorly? How has WWE taken two of the top five (or at worst top ten) disingenuous græ</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ppl</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ø</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">rz in all the land (this land of earth) and turned them to this? Thank you for asking, I think I know this one: it is because all of their ideas are terrible, and the wrestlers who wrestle for them are compelled to do so in a house style that is deliberately dumb and the worst and that runs counter to the precepts of real techniques + real emotion upon which all great art (in either the strong style or Romantic traditions which are in truth the same tradition which is in truth Tradition) is founded and through which it manifests. There is nothing here; this is un-art; this is anti-art; this destroys art.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">BUT IT IS TIME TO RUMBLE IT IS TIME TO ROOOOOOOOOYAL RUMBLE YAAAAAHHHH THE NIHILISM OF THE CAPITALIST SPECTACLE IS WITHOUT CONSEQUENCE FOR EITHER YOUR SOUL OR THE WORLD DON'T BE STUCK UP IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT and actually last year's Royal Rumble proper (the match itself, I don't remember the other bits) was totally a good one so maybe this one will be too despite the reservations and indeed revulsions we should all have about and against all of this YAAAAAHHHH WELCOME EVERYONE YAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">THEN NOW FOREVER Lord Christ I hope not but those are the words under which all that is to follow will follow THERE IS A PLACE UNLIKE ANY OTHER A PLACE WHERE ONE GREAT OPPORTUNITY HAS CREATED COUNTLESS LEGENDS A PLACE WE ALL REMEMBER YEAR AFTER YEAR MOMENT AFTER MOMENT MEMORY AFTER MEMORY WE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER TONIGHT LIVE FROM SAN ANTONIO'S ALAMODOME WE'LL REMEMBER THE DEFINITIVE BATTLE WE WILL REMEMBER THE DOMINANCE WE'LL REMEMBER THE LINE IN THE SAND AND ABOVE ALL ELSE REMEMBER THE RUMBLE TONIGHT IT'S FRIEND VERSUS FRIEND FOE VERSUS FOE (that's not different that's just normal) IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF TONIGHT AN EVENT THIRTY YEARS IN THE MAKING FOREVER AND ALWAYS WE WILL REMEMBER THIS ROYAL RUMBLE<i> </i>oh wow okay I guess this is the thirtieth one isn't it but will it produce a moment on par with Stone Cold Steve Austin's look of horror and disbelief as Bret Hart strode purposively down the enormous aisle of this self-same Alamodome in a moment that seems not just recorded in but to have emerged out of the collective græppzconscious? Well probably not but let us remain hopeful. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">BAYLEY IS A HUGGER but hasn't been all that much of anything since she has come up, has she, it's sad. <i>Please, again, before we go any further let me again reiterate that as I surely denigrate so much of what is to come (prove me wrong, 2017 Royal Rumble!) my quarrel is not with the calibre of the artists here assembled but rather with their shackled art.</i> Bayley and her offset top-knottish ponytail connoting youthful innocence (she is I don't know thirty?) here faces Charlotte for the WWE Women's Championship which is signified by a large belt that looks like a Josten's class ring like the other WWE belts and we are supposed to understand this as a step up from the one that had butterflies on it but if you think class rings are superior to butterflies you have a lot to learn about the things you can think and still be okay. Of course the demise of the term Diva is welcome and long overdue but in my view its deletion serves only to mask how bullshit this all still is with its single-stripper-named competitors (I know some of them have two stripper names; I feel this only strengthens my claim) and overall aesthetic nonsense. There is nothing woke here, I subtweet now to Woke Wrestling Twitter (itself neither paradox nor dialectic but mere absurdity: woke enough to be woke, insufficiently woke to stop watching fvkkn WWE, please get either more woke or less), who seem enamoured of this sadness: to the extent to which you support this you are either the victim of false consciousness or in league with actual evil and either way the path to Truth and Light is through the <a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2hkpn8_crush-girls-vs-jumping-bomb-angels-tltb-87_sport">Crush Gals versus the Jumping Bomb Angels</a>. It is important for me that anyone reading this post here at RUMBLEMETRICS take a good hard look at themselves and also their views and then come away agreeing with my correct ones, thank you everyone who has thoughts that are different. Bayley does this springboard cross-body out of the corner that took longer to set up than it took me to admonish everyone just now, yikes, let's maybe drop a couple steps of it. Bayley hits a fine top-rope elbow, not on the level of Randy Savage or Shawn Michaels but roughly on par with Kazuchika Okada, I think, and obviously it is lifetimes of <i>waza</i> (technique) beyond the abomination C.M. Punk inflicted for years upon his foes but mostly upon us. That none of the people I have just now named has anything on the elbow droppery of <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/SquaredCircle/comments/41ap6h/kairi_hojo_has_the_best_elbow_drop/">Kairi Hojo</a> is self-evident and hardly worth even noting. The finish comes on (or perhaps off) Charlotte's "Natural Selection" flipping little cutter on the apron and it's a way better move than when she does a figure-four and then bridges and we are senselessly told it is a figure-eight. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Kevin Owens whose best matches are all behind him and none remain before defends his Universal Championship (this is a thing they have) next against Roman Reigns with Chris Jericho, who vacillates between person you are sadly tired of and low-key heel genius, suspended above the ring in Chekhov's shark cage. It looks like this is a no disqualification match, a genre I don't really like because without the law we are nothing ("Man must be governed," the RZA once said with sad wisdom), and also I don't like all the elaborate weapons set-ups like this pyramid of chairs Owens builds. He takes a moment away from this task to do his inverted cannonball or whatever against Reigns against the barricade and that's a move I think anyone could get behind. A powerbomb from the apron into the chairamid? No; no, not yet. A suplex into them? No again. Kevin Owens wears a shirt recalling the old RAW IS WAR logo atop the body of which he is plainly ashamed. And yet his ring gear is on the whole more revealing than Reigns', which is odd because one assumes that between the shoulders we can see and the drug failure we know about (what of those we do not?) there is every reason to believe Reigns probably looks good as hell out of body armour. He is a beautiful man with glorious Nathan Explosion hair and has proven to be absolutely no worse than "good" at this debased WWE main event style and at times "very good" at same; the only problem that remains for him, as I see it, is he an enormous and laughable döø</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">f. Even that could be used in his favour with proper booking but it is not my business to care about that. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Kevin Owens frog-splashes Roman Reigns through a table on the outside and the people enjoy it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The emerging convention of near-fall close-up crowd reaction shots of essentially the same moderately contemptible youngish man time after time is a bold step in the wrong </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">direction both for the presentation and for the culture and I fear for both. There is one such shot here (not the first, nowhere near the last, I am sure) just after Chris Jericho drops brass knuckles to his (best) friend Kevin Owens who then employs them in an </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">übermensch</span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> punch that Roman Reigns kicks out of in the second match on this show (I understand there were matches on a "pre-show" but come on; come on). I am reminded of the last PWG show I saw, in which a burning hammer was kicked out of in the opening match and it was like "oh okay I just don't like this and will live a life free of it" and so far it has gone pretty well. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">SUPERPLEX INTO THE CHAIRAMID NO WAIT A SUPERMAN PUNCH INTO IT WHICH IS WAY LESS SIKK THAN WHAT HAD BEEN TEASED and which is a fairly cr</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">æftig "spot" in that falling into those chairs is way better than falling to the ground in the absence of those chairs, I don't care how well-developed your <i>ukemi</i> (I do care actually and hope your <i>ukemi</i> serves you well in every instance). Kevin Owens has been powerbombed through the table, also. Much is made of how lame it is when Reigns goes BOOOOOWAAAAAAAAA before he hits his move but to me, as bad as the BOOOOOWWWAAAAAAA is, it is the rope-grabbing back-scratch in the corner accompanied by a deeply false intensity that really gets me. We are spared this grim show in this instance when Braun Strowman, literally the worst name anyone has had, gets a hold of Reigns and brutalizes him, and a seemingly defeated Kevin Owens emerges the victor to the delight of his best friend Chris Jericho. One assumes there have been issues between Roman Reigns and this Straun Browman? And yet the announcers do not detail it. I am at a loss and yet feel no want because of it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Enzo and Big Cass are next and to Big Cass' surprise Enzo has conflated his desire for food with his desire for the erotic company of women.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Graves, Cole, and Saxton don't have a table now but have to look serious and it's difficult for them. It is somehow easier for Mauro Ranallo (who kindly authored a piece for the <i>Total MMA</i> PDF newsletter that preceded the <i>Total MMA </i>website that preceded the <i>Total MMA</i> book by my friend Jonathan) as his comically sonorous voice is oddly well-suited to this strange task. There is a cruiserweight division now/again, and its championship is to be contested between Rich Swann, who is definitely below the 205 lbs limit, and Neville, who I have my doubts about in this regard. Neville is mean now and it suits him. Is this "cross-face butterfly armbar" Mauro describes akin to the Rings of Saturn? In time perhaps I will learn. Rich Swann is good for sure and his flying flipping butt attack to the outside is choice but when Mauro says of him "sports entertainment saved his life" it is just a dark, dark thing to say or have said. Neville attempts his suplex where he picks his foe up off the mat and pauses with him in the front-pack position (BABYBJÖRNPLEX) but he does not hit it, to my disappointment. Yes okay it seems Neville's big move is indeed the Rings of Saturn and he is your new champion and it occurs to me I only watched like a week or two of the Cruiserweight Classic and was like <i>oh man this is great I am going to keep up with this one! </i>but I didn't and I probably should have, not because this match was great (it was fine, please do not mistake me) but because the show itself seemed really good, like just in the way it was structured.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">JOHN CENA CHALLENGES A.J. STYLES FOR ANOTHER BELT THAT LOOKS LIKE A CLASS RING THIS SHOULD BE GOOD but let me reiterate that their (the) Summerslam match was a ruse and not merely in the sense that this is all a ruse but instead in the sense that only a few minutes in they started huge moves and near-falls and laying there to lure those of insufficient taste level into undo praise.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> Please do not be so fooled (unless it suits you, what do I care). This match is for the WWE Championship, not the Universal Championship as before, because they have gone back to having two different world titles to go with two different rosters on the two different weekly television shows it is hard to believe anybody watches but I don't know I don't think that worked out very well the last time they did it (I don't mean in terms of business, because what could be less interesting than to know that, but in terms of my enjoyment). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When people decry A.J. Styles' hair as that of a soccer mom it is a tacit admission of how pretty they think it is and you know what, they're right, it <i>is </i>pretty, and ironed so flat that it flops around and creates an even greater impression of movement than would already be present due to how quickly A.J. Styles moves (he moves very quickly) but let me also note that like Tetsuya Naito the thing that makes A.J. Styles' quickness all the quicker-seeming is how willing he is to just slow down completely for long stretches (Naito takes this to an extreme that is perhaps best described as . . . <i>ingobernable</i>?). I am reminded of how I was not particularly keen to see A.J. Styles wrestle when he was scheduled to appear at a local show at the famed Halifax Forum where <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fD_9TqBs2Tw">Leo Burke once challenged Rick Martel for the AWA Championship</a> in a pretty much perfect wrestling match (that Leo Burke also challenged for the NWA title on more than one occasion is something we have discussed before), but my friend Pete was like no, really, you will like his wrestling, you should go see him wrestle, and I did, and as soon as Styles grabbed a headlock against the local headliner it was like <i>my god</i>. It was also neat that he brought with him the IWGP championship belt! I don't think it had been to the Forum before (or since). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This match is building more slowly and in my view way better than their (the) Summerslam match in that instead of going to finishers and kickouts after like four minutes they have elected to wait like seven (all figures approximate). Styles looks like Manabu Nakanishi out there with his backbreaker rack (did you see Nakanishi's match with Nagata late last year? it was so good!) into a powerbomb; Cena looks like a vicious yet tactical gorilla of some kind when he clobbers Styles with an enormous lariat. Cena hoists Styles into the "electric chair" position and for an instant one is convinced we will at last see the One-Winged Angel Kentholomew Omega was unable to hit against the great young he-cat Kazuchika Okada in one of the finest bouts of what we might call the Wrestle Kingdom era (six stars seems like a lot but hey it was a lot of match). A nice little bit of <i>katame-waza</i> (grappling technique) from A.J. Styles as he rolls out of a fireman's carry into a <i>hiza-hishigi </i>(knee-crush/calf-slicer) which John Cena then counters with an STF and I would like to thank both John Cena and A.J. Styles for reading <a href="http://tkscissors.blogspot.com/">TK SCISSORS: A BLOG OF RINGS</a> where I am watching all of the RINGS shows that I have and please believe me when I tell you I have pretty much all of them. This is the best exchange of matwork I have seen in a WWE match in years, certainly, and just now A.J. Styles has applied an <i>ude-hishigi-juji-gatame </i>(arm-crushing-crossmark-hold) and I notice for the first time the kanji on his tights (I cannot read it, I am subliterate, forgive me) only for John Cena to raise him overhead with <i>daki-age</i> (</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">抱上) (high lift) and release him in a thunderous slam. They are doing super right now! Cena jumps off the top for the legdrop he should never ever do but Styles catches him for the Styles Clash which of course John Cena kicks out of and which of course leads to a crowd shot of some bro who is in disbelief and the spell that had been cast through real techniques and the attendant real emotion has been broken utterly and quite possibly irrevocably. Yeah okay John Cena just did a "code red" which is a move at least as stupid as the (really unbelievably stupid) Canadian Destroyer and I would like to just have a nap now. Cena uses a "catapult" into the corner but it's offline so Styles has to hang a right in order to go into the turnbuckles holy shit has this gone of the rails and I guess I mean my own specific rails because the crowd is still way in but I have fallen way out. Styles hits the always sikk <i>ushigoroshi</i> of Hirooki Goto (who has been really really good since joining CHAOS), Cena hits an Attitude Adjustment off the top rope, Styles hits another Styles Clash, they shoot each other with guns, whatever. Two more Attitude Adjustments chained together with a nifty little roll and John Cena is a sixteen-time world champion (they didn't talk that up as much as I thought they might?). John Cena does not explode into joy but is instead reserved as he raises the belt and then finds a Make-a-Wish kid in the crowd and you know what it is entirely possible I am being trimmed like the merest mark but I think John Cena is probably shoot nice. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">THIS MATCH IS INSTRUCTIVE I THINK at least for me in that I don't think contemporary WWE matches get better than that, and it would be very surprising to me if there is even a comparable WWE match all year, and I don't think there are wrestlers who wrestle WWE style any better than John Cena and A.J. Styles (I don't even really know who would be close), but the style is <i>just fundamentally so dumb </i>that the ceiling for my enjoyment of it is low despite the skill with which that style has just been articulated. That is probably maximum WWE right now, but would it be any better than the fifth-best match on the Wrestle Kingdom in which we dwelt only weeks ago? Plainly, in my view, it is not. And where it would fit into the rugged hierarchy of RINGS, I mean, please. If you say dumb things with perfect enunciation you are still saying dumb things. ANYWAY GREAT JOB JOHN CENA GREAT JOB A.J. STYLES.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">lol "distracted by music" is the reason Seth Rollins is not in the Royal Rumble, Michael Cole explains, and I could not be any surer right now that this is not for me Michael Cole but thank you for trying to remove all doubt that is gracious of you </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">AND NOW FOR THE ROYAL RUMBLE ITSELF AND THERE IS A LOT OF TIME HERE SO MAYBE THEY WILL EVEN STICK TO THE TWO-MINUTE INTERVALS MORE OR LESS LET US RUMBLE LET US ROOOOOOOOYAL RUMBLE and our first competitor is Big Cass and his methed-out bantam of a pal Enzo Amore comes out and says things that the cretinous sweathøggz in attendance chant along with because other aspects of their lives are insufficiently liturgical and this is how they find solace for that (it's pretty dark). This goes on for like a legit five minutes and it is unbelievably tedious. Ah yes lol so only two men have won from the number one position, one of whom is Shawn Michaels and the other we don't talk about as much as we used to I guess do we. Jericho is in at number two, presumably because he is a savvy veteran of this græppz-game and will be required to direct young galoots. This Big Cass, let me tell you, is well-named! What a big guy! Jericho bounces around for him pretty well for a man of a thousand years. Next in at number three is Kalisto who is super tiny and who would like us to chant LUCHA LUCHA (I don't but it is at least in part because people are sleeping). Jericho just chills in the corner for kind of a while whilst Kalisto runs all over. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">At number four we have Mojo Rawley who I don't think I have ever seen, but I feel like I have heard his name a lot as people discuss guys who are totally the worst (I am not making any such claim because again I think this is the first I have ever seen him). Jericho, we're told, has now been in the Royal Rumble more than four hours and longer than anyone else ever, a feather in his cap, I am sure. Jack Gallagher is a tiny Englishman with charmingly stripy trunks and for some reason an umbrella? I guess because England is rainy? But Jericho is from Winnipeg and it's not like they make Jericho come out with a frozen shithole (haha fvkkoff Winnipeg). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">MARK HENRY AT NUMBER SIX YESSSSSS man it takes a while for him to get to the ring and I guess it is the Alamodome isn't it and I love Mark Henry. Remember how everybody thought he was awful, and then a "Mark Henry is Actually Good" movement took shape I believe first at DVDVR, and actually I think just last year Vinnie of the Bryan and Vinnie show was like "remember when those DVDVR guys were like 'Mark Henry is actually good?'" and I could easily have some or all of this wrong but anyway I think Mark Henry is actually really good as he launches the small English fellow over the top, umbrella in hand. Braun Strowman is in next and man this guy is big as HEKK and there goes Mojo and Big Cass and Kalisto (onto the aforementioned two) and now Strowman and Mark Henry are face to face in a HOSSOFF and you know where my heart lies here noooooooo Mark Henry is out and I reject this. Jericho is still in the match but is laying very low.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">SAMI ZAYN IS THE BABIEST FACE he consists entirely of vernix caseosa and ska. I am sure he has had a tonne of great matches since coming to WWE and it has been great for his art but right now he is being tossed around by a giant like he was just some goof, weird. An oddly lean Big Show is in next as lol yeah Jericho is just ducking out and looking shook whenever big people are around and it is delightful. There is talk of Big Show and Shaq at Wrestlemania, right? I understand Phil is Shaq's father (much respect to Phil). Two giant guys bumping into each other sounds like a good idea but can also be stupid as we are seeing right now. Jericho is in briefly and one's thoughts turn to the Jeri-Show era, do they not? Whaaaat, Big Show didn't even last two minutes!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In at number ten is "The Perfect Ten" Tye Dillinger and the sing-songy chumps of NXT say "ten" all the time when he does things so that is happening here as well. It is totally charming and not the worst, don't worry. James Ellesworth is next and I have not seen him wrestle but I did see the gif of A.J. Styles attempting a chinlock against him only for it to slip off because he has no real chin and that, to me, seemed great. THE CROWD ERUPTS FOR DEAN AMBROSE AT NUMBER TWELVE and I voted for Dean Ambrose in the Wrestling Observer Awards under "Worst Gimmick" because really what is going on with that guy. Ohhhh nooooo Braun Stroman just threw Ellsworth over the top and Ambrose didn't catch him or anything, he just landed right on his hip and he might not be ruined by that now but in the fullness of time he is going to feel that. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">BARON CORBIN at number thirteen and I identify with him in a number of ways including his wolf shirt (I have a wolf shirt), his long hair worn despite or perhaps because of/in spite of male pattern baldness (same), and his entry into the world of combat sports (wrestling for him, judo for me) after a successful football career (I am a 1991 Pee-Wee Tackle Football Provincial Champion). Dillinger is out, and woah ok Strowman is out as Corbin is also very very large. Kofi Kingston enters at fourteen and I worry that the pressure of elaborate Rumbling evasion technique must be getting to him; it's a lot to bear for any man. If I am remembering this right, it has been a couple of years since he has avoided elimination in a truly neat way, and maybe it is unfair of us to demand it of him each time, I don't know. THE MIZ is next and before entering the ring he lovingly touches the butt of his beautiful French-Canadian bride Maryse, not unlike the way in which Prime Minister Justin Trudeau lovingly touched the butt of his beautiful French-Canadian bride Sophie Gregoire in VOGUE that time and if this is an allusion I salute its subtlety and wonder what it might auger. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">SHEAMUS and as you know I favour Sheamus despite what all of you think and not only because the Celtic cross that adorns his tights speaks to his desire for post-secular re-enchantment but not entirely <i>not</i> because of that either. Also, because of how often he "shoot" injures people it adds an air of drama and mystery whenever anybody stays down even slightly longer than you expect. Okay so Kofi's thing this year is to have been knocked from the ring-post but kind of catch himself just before touching the floor and it is quite nice! It is certainly unspectacular given several of his past feats but again maybe we should think about those less than we do. BIG E LANGSTON is kind of great and at once puts Miz in an abdominal stretch and spanks him (how does this play into the Trudeau thing). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We are all the way up to eighteen and this hasn't been good BUT NOW RUSEV YESSSS HE IS A POET OF THIS AND HERE HE IS WITH LANA HIS BRIDE I WISH THEM ALL THE HAPPINESS THIS LIFE CAN HOLD and usually he is quite handsome to me but he is wearing a protective mask because of a recently broken nose, I am told, so we have been robbed of this. Rusev gives me the same kind of feeling that I used to get from Santino and while there are no doubt many more differences between the two than similarities this is about my feelings right now, please respect that. Cesaro is in now and he is putting everybody in the giant swing and at first I am delighted and reminded of hitting that move endlessly in the (excellent) Tecmo Wrestling of my youth (at the end you wrestle a demon!) but it very quickly diminishing returns as he can't really (giant) swing the bigger people he attempts to (giant) swing and the crowd is like "oh." The pleasant Xavier Woods enters at twenty and yeah this really has not been very good but there are still ten guys to go, and remember the year that it wasn't very good at all until Ryback of all people showed up and all of a sudden it got awesome? We can't rule that out (except for that it will not be Ryback). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Bray Wyatt's look has changed a little since I have last seen him in that he has shifted from Southern Gothic to Southern Gothic Crust Punk, or Credible Touring Guitarist for Ministry or something. IT'S NOT AN <i>URA NAGE </i>(裏投) IF IT IS NOT A REAR THROW YOU ASSHOLES THAT IS LITERALLY WHAT IT MEANS IT IS A <i>MA-SUTEMI WAZA</i> A REAR SACRIFICE TECHNIQUE. Apollo Crews, in at twenty-two, is plainly so-named because of the depth of Vince McMahon's knowledge of black culture. Sheamus and Cesaro eliminate the New Day (all three), Jericho eliminates Sheamus and Cesaro, and now Sheamus and Cesaro are mad at each other or whatever. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Randy Orton, who is good, and is Jerry Lawler's pick, is in at number twenty three and surely he has won more of these than just the 2009 one, can Michael Cole be right? I am not about to check. I did not mention that Jerry Lawler came out to announce this match but it's true, he did. Orton hits RKOs (RsKO) on a bunch of dudes as I learn that he is aligned with Bray Wyatt so this is Dark Randy Orton I guess. Dolph Ziggler, out next, has gone completely HBK in attire and also, it would seem, in his enthusiasm for the super kick. And now Luke Harper, who I have not seen much of of late (as I have not seen much of any of this of late) but who I recall to be excellent, turns on Bray Wyatt! Maybe this makes a lot of sense given recent things that have happened but I don't know about any of those so I am shocked by this! We are at number twenty six and this still isn't very good!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">HOWEVER here is Brock Lesnar, and there are a lot of people still in the ring so one assumes this will be so many suplexes just so many of them yeeeeaaaaaaahhhh here we go he tosses Dean Ambrose out at once (good, he stinks) and then also Dolph Ziggler and then yeah it is just so many throws. You know what, I have never really liked the F5 as a finisher at all, his finisher in my view should just be extra suplexes. In at 27 is Enzo Amore and I guess the idea here is that this will be a bit of comedy where one would expect <i>rising action</i> but I think this match needs right now is all the <i>rising action</i> we can get because it has been a bit of a dud but here is Enzo in and out in like a minute and I like to think Pat Patterson would agree with me that this was an error (mostly I hope Pat Patterson is well, as he has earned his rest). Yeah exactly see here is Goldberg, why wasn't he in a minute ago in the interests of <i>rising action</i> and let me say that I have never been a Goldberg guy and not just because of the Bret Hart troubles (none of that helps obviously) and I didn't care for the two-minute Lesnar squash at the Survivor Series but it must be said that his entrance has always been quite sikk and the people clearly are super into him so who am I to complain. Woah he eliminates Lesnar at once! They will wrestle at an upcoming wrestling mania, surely. Goldberg approaches Jericho, which calls to mind the glorious tales of Goldberg getting into it with Jericho backstage only to find himself front-choked by a tiny shooter <i>eat shit Bill Goldberg I watched an MMA show where you were a commentator and you kept putting over your own martial artistry but everybody knows *yeah everybody knows* Chris Jericho bested you once and would do it again</i> <i>in the name of Stu Hart and all of his terrible sons. </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The Undertaker is I guess number 29 and he squares off with Goldberg and they are like a hundred if you add it up aren't they? Goldberg does an awful job of eliminating Rusev because he's awful, Undertaker does away with Baron Corbin, Goldberg kind of makes a hash of a Luke Harper elimination (these are good, good wrestlers and Goldberg is just awful pushing them over the ropes) and then Undertaker tips Goldberg out and this is not very good. Sami Zayn and the Miz attack the Undertaker and Sami Zayn's punches are the worst ska-based punches ever and consider what that even means. There's only one guy left and I legitimately have no idea who it could be unless it is a super duper surprise of a guy but lol no it is Roman Reigns lol of course it is. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The Undertaker takes down the straps of his singlet to communicate the extent to which it is on (this is counterintuitive) but given the shape of things and by that I mean the shape of <i>his</i> things this is a huge misstep. It is not his fault he is this old and broken but it is his fault that he took his shirt down. Miz is out, Zayn is out, Jericho has been in for fifty-nine minutes. It would be neat if he won, though I don't see how or why that would happen. The year Sheamus won and Jericho came second I was so sure it would happen! There were so many Codebreakers! Reigns just tipped the Undertaker over and they stare at each other a while so I guess that's a Wrestlemania match? So why did Braun Strowman attack in the title match before? I don't get it but I am also not trying hard and you literally cannot make me. Reigns eliminates Jericho with a superman punch noooooooooo so I guess it's Bray Wyatt, Reigns, and Orton and I remind you this is Dark Randy Orton (I have learned like fifteen minutes ago) so this is a distinct disadvantage for döøfwave underdog Roman Reigns. Oh okay there goes Wyatt so it's Reigns or Orton and just as I say that Orton catches Reigns coming out of the corner for a spear with an RKO (one can claim it is out of nowhere but I believe that neither philosophically nor theologically) in a pretty tidy bit of technique and then *boop* over the top goes Reigns AAAAAAND RANDY ORTON HAS WON THE ROYAL RUMBLE AND IT IS HARD TO KNOW WHY THAT MIGHT BE BUT HE'S PRETTY GOOD ESPECIALLY WHEN HE DOES THAT NEAT POWERSLAM WHERE HE KIND OF DISAPPEARS UNDER A GUY COMING OFF THE ROPES MAYBE HE WILL DO THAT ELSEWHERE ON THE ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA WHO CAN SAY BUT THIS ROYAL RUMBLE WAS NOT ALL THAT GOOD I HOPE YOU YOURSELF ARE WELL THOUGH PLEASE JOIN ME NEXT YEAR WHEN WE WILL DO IT ALL AGAIN WE WILL RUMBLE WE WILL ROOOOOYAL RUMBLE THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME WATCH FIGHTING NETWORK RINGS EVERYBODY GOOD NIGHT. </span><br />
<br />ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-89777099575949665922016-01-25T19:34:00.001-08:002016-01-25T20:21:32.051-08:002016 ROYAL RUMBLE<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTnmbElaneRv2gVWeagW8qo_b5G2HQlIUv7nJNJyZSzIUGygiqgVwbDlwK13B75qKcf7QOWF-BoVJHyYmS-dnoBPka5lcZeWOHJMKlC0BGgDWXfz3-X1mirNAVomWCbxNQxx_mDFIWngPg/s1600/Capture4.GIF" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTnmbElaneRv2gVWeagW8qo_b5G2HQlIUv7nJNJyZSzIUGygiqgVwbDlwK13B75qKcf7QOWF-BoVJHyYmS-dnoBPka5lcZeWOHJMKlC0BGgDWXfz3-X1mirNAVomWCbxNQxx_mDFIWngPg/s320/Capture4.GIF" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>The REIGNS community?</i></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">OF COURSE EMPIRICAL REALITY IS ALWAYS MORE COMPLEX THAN ITS UNDERLYING NOTIONAL STRUCTURE SO THAT ONE CAN ALWAYS PLAY THE GAME OF POINTING OUT WHAT IS IGNORED IN THE NOTIONAL GRASPING OF EMPIRICAL REALITY AS SLAVOJ ŽI</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ŽEK HAS SAID AT LEAST ONCE AND</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> MAYBE MORE TIMES but man the trend line on these Royal Rumbles has not been too fvkkn good for a while now has it like the last two in particular taken together have been a desolation and a curse and have made you think about how man is like to vanity/our days are but a shadow that passeth away and that is the way you get to feel right before bed because that is when the Royal Rumble ends. It has been bleak and the worst, and to even suggest otherwise is in my view the merest apologism and also unabidable. Longtime readers will need no reminder that last one that was really good was kind of a while ago now in that it was 2010 and I do not say that as an Edge partisan in the least, as much as it was wild when he and Lita simulated sensual acts on a bed in the ring on television one time and there was almost certainly a boob that got out (I am not endorsing that it happened but that it did happen and that it was a wild scene are just facts that offer no evidence one way or the other regarding my taste level which remains I assure you unusually high). However setting all of that to one side for a moment how can we not remain in some sense hopeful in the promise of transcendence (or maybe imminence, I don't know philosophy at all) offered by the ritual purity of thirty græppl</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ø</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">rz (except when they do a different number) arriving in worked-randomized order at two-minute intervals (which they pretty much never do) until, in accordance with the greatness of His mercy, a king is bestowed upon us? Then shall the trees of the wood sing out! Whilst his foes eat the bread of sorrow! Unless it's fvkkn Roman Reigns again jesus christ or like a returning Batista or something; fvkk. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I will also say by way of prefatory remarks (because there have not been enough of them yet as I see it) that eager though I always am as a Royal Rumble approaches (like the dawn) I do worry going into this a little because despite being our era's leading scholar of several very important things and also arguably the foremost figure in a particular kind of domesticity I have managed to watch no fewer than all five of the New Japan shows that have been on NJPW World so far this year (Wrestle Kingdom 10? more like Resplendent Kingdom 10; New Year's Dash? more like Take my Ca$h; Fantastica Mania 2016? actually that is a super good name for those ones) and they have all been legitimately excellent and so there is a very real possibility that I have just taken an extremely warm shower *in my enjoyment* and am about to enter a very cold pool *of something I might not enjoy as much in comparison* if you follow what I am doing now with tropes and figures. Hey speaking of NJPW (I love them they are perfect) it is really something how WWE is taking several of their best guys including AJ Styles who many seem to think will be here tonight and several of his (former) Bullet Club græpplepä</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">lz and also Shinsuke Nakamura my favourite wrestler in that he is an utterly singular figure! I'm sure that will all just be awesome and not a crime against art! But people should I guess do what they want to do even if it makes shows I like different.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">THEN NOW FOREVER IT IS THE WWE and the image of John Cena is the first we see and one cannot help but reflect upon how pretty much everybody is out hurt, or at least John Cena and Seth Rollins and Daniel Bryan who are probably the three best guys they have who aren't Brock Lesnar who is in a separate category for all kinds of reasons ranging from temperament to gargantuan shooting ability. The aesthetic to this year's opening video presentation is Classical Statuary and oh I get it is because of "Roman" Reigns haha ok TONIGHT AN EMPIRE OF ONE [they mean roman reigns I get it] MUST RISE AND LIKE THE GLADIATORS OF OLD FIGHT FIGHT AGAINST TYRANNY FIGHT FOR WHAT IS HIS FIGHT FOR SURIVIVAL THIRTY MEN ONE CHAMPION LET THE ROYAL RUMBLE BEGIN and amidst this voiceovering Roman Reigns is like "this is my life, and no one is going to take this away from me" and is like uh Roman </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">he destroyeth the perfect and the wicked bro I am sorry to be the one to break this to you but there it is.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Our commentators tonight are Justin "Bradshaw" Layfield, Michael "Maggle" Cole, and Byron Saxton and let's be frank there is no reason to expect them to say anything good so why dwell on it (I will almost certainly dwell on it). Our opening contest is between Intercontinental Champion Dean Ambrose (have they mentioned he is . . . a lunatic?) and Kevin Owens (né Steen) and it is alas a Last Man Standing match (more like Alas Man Standing) which are not usually to my tastes in that I favour *scientific wrestling* perhaps due to the early influence of Leo Burke who I don't mind telling you again is praised lavishly by Bret "Hitman" Hart in his tremendous volume of autobiography titled "Hitman: My Real Life in the Cartoon World of Professional Wrestling" and known colloquially as "Too Poor for Real Pants" and lol ok these guys are not wasting any time in diving out of rings and doing flipping cannonball maneuvers into barriers and hitting each other with kendo sticks (for some reason) and yes this *is* all being brought to you by Chex Mix that's *right.* FIGHT OWENS FIGHT is the chant here and I join them in that: I like Kevin Owens quite a lot in that I think he is really good on "the stick" and has excellent matches sometimes (have you seen the one he had with Nakamura?) and I don't really like Dean Ambrose matches very much not that I take any pleasure in saying that because Ambrose obviously works super hard and if I am remembering this right is the IRL beau of Renée Young who I have not kept up with but recall to be a literal angel in not just her beauty but her aspect. Also I think Dean Ambrose really liked Bret Hart when he was little? So I don't like not liking him uhhhhhhhhhhhh except that it turns out that when he ducks out between the middle and top ropes and comes back with a clothesline they call it a "wackyline" wooooooowwwwww. That is a dumb move (I don't even like it when Kyle O'Reilly does it and I voted for him in the category of best technical wrestler in this year's HerbMeltzerver Awards) but the move deserves better than that name; we all do. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">These guys are going like hekk! They are throwing each other all over the place and into things and then getting up before the referee's count of ten as the strictures of Last Man Standing require. I'm not nuts about elaborate setups for big spots (I find them tedious and cumbersome!) but I am pretty intrigued by the stack of tables Kevin Owens has been working on at ringside. Nothing has happened yet but this is for sure a Chekov's Stack of Tables situation. The crowd is pretty into this match and I get it! Ambrose has to wrestle in jeans and that must feel awful. Owens just did a *great* thing wherein he regained his feet at the count of nine by rolling out of the ring; that might not sound that great but it was subtly great which is often what Kevin Owens is I think (also sometimes he is very plainly great). Ambrose has just flyingly top-rope elbowed Owens through a table on the outside and I liked it a lot but can't stop thinking about the big stack of tables that is on the other side of the ring *it is still out there when are they going to go through it.* Owens is yelling "I hate you" at Dean Ambrose and it feels earned and true.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">You are perhaps familiar with the "fisherman buster" suplex that Kevin Owens does sometimes? He just did it from the second rope through a table, and it was very good, and now he has Ambrose set up on some chairs as he ascends the opposite turnbuckle to do his astonishingly nimble (for so hefty a døød) jumping springboard moonsault when lololol Ambrose just kind of nudges him off and he plummets through the big stack of tables on the outside and do you see how skilled I am as a reader I totally knew once those tables got set up that eventually someone would plummet through them to his ruin *keep it locked* to rumblemetrics.blogspot.com for analysis of this calibre lol that was pretty great though! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo they are showing a clip from Raw (I don't watch it) wherein Chris Jericho destroyed the New Day's trombone whyyyyyyyyy that trombone was sikk nooooooooooo lol ok the New Day are out now and Big E Langston is telling the crowd (who want to love the New Day; who need to love the New Day) to pipe down as a moment of silence is observed for Francesca the trombone (I was not aware they had named her). And now Xavier Woods is out WITH A NEW TROMBONE as the New Day dances and while Kofi Kingston dances reasonably, Big E dances in a way that whilst deliberately comical cannot help but be legitimately sensual because Big E is just a sensualist and you can see it always. They are saying things about unicorns and ponies and I like all of it. I have heard that the New Day are all over Raw and it has become too much but because I am not all over Raw I don't care about that even a little AND HERE COME THE USOOOOOOOSSSSSS I like these guys a lot and like to think about their late father Fatu (he has not actually died) thrustkicking the good out of his foes in the middle parts of yore-day Rumbles; later he would be Rikishi, and put his butt on them. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This is a good tag team match but I worry that the crowd does not seem to like the Usos and I wonder if they have considered how this might make the Usos feel? Maybe it is just that the New Day are so compelling that you can't really keep them "heel" and so "faces" like the really very good Usos don't really stand a chance in there. PLAY FRAN-CESCA CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP is the chant and Xavier Woods seems as though he is going to acquiesce; but no, he is like I PLAY WHEN I WANT TO PLAY. One's thoughts turn to the time Johnny Mundo (who was great when he wrestled local hero Markus Burke at the historic Halifax Forum, where Leo Burke [no relation except for in spirit] more than once challenged for world titles but in the main arena part of the Forum not the Multipurpose Room where you would watch smaller events like say Ghostface & Raekwon for Pop Explosion) was on the Steve Austin podcast and was compelling and was like "the babyface gives the fans what they want to see, and the heel takes it away" and Steve Austin was like "I have never heard it expressed like that but yes that is it precisely and you are a wise cat for saying so." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Big E's body is just *weird* in its enormous muscularity but he fully inhabits it, man. There is something about that guy. I think what just happened was a spear through the ropes to an Uso (who can say) who was standing on the apron and somehow neither of them are dead now but it looked close. An Uso (nobody knows) just splashed Kofi from the top but instead of covering him right away in a pinning combination (or "osaekomi") he floated over to pin him from the other side and it made no sense. Oh ok Big E has caught an Uso (don't pretend) in midair and hit his nice slam finish ("The Big Ending") and now dances in sensuous triumph. A good match! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I guess the Wyatts are a Significant Heel Faction according to these clips from Raw and I say why not as Bray can talk some and work well enough and Luke Harper is excellent and Aaron Rowan at least has a spooky mask and the new guy with the just absurd name (""""""""Braun Strowman"""""""""?) could not reasonably be asked to be a larger human and perhaps most importantly here Southern Gothic is a legit aesthetic. It is useful to have four of them so they can claim to be War Pestilence Famine and Death as they have just now done.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">OK next we have Alberto Del Rio vs. Kalisto for the United States Title and we are shown clips of Kalisto flying out through the middle rope to the floor and landing on his back which looked brutal and then another clip of the League of Nations (I really like that as the name of a Foreign Heel Stable) all just standing around him shoving him from one to another which speaks to our elemental fear of being bullied in so classic a fashion. Alberto Del Rio is a strange case as you all know, almost certainly better than I do: they wanted a Mexican hero but they stink so they couldn't make him one despite his obvious talents and then an office guy or something made a shitty anti-Mexican joke so Alberto slapped him in the face and got fired and became a Mexican hero and then went to Lucha Underground (and AAA but I will not pretend to have seen any of that because I have too much respect for you) to extremely excellent effect and they were like OMG WE NEED THIS GUY HE IS A MEXICAN HERO and then they got him back and things don't seem to be going all that much better this time around despite his shooter cred (legit Greco-Romanism; head-kicked by Cro Cop whilst lucha-masked), handsomeness, and tanned vascularity. I am told that he doesn't use the rolling ude-hishigi-juji-gatame (nobody calls it that BUT THAT'S WHAT IT IS) as a finisher anymore, which seems a shame.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This is a pretty good match, the story of which is that Kalisto is a very small luchador with a lot of heart and flips (and twists) whereas Alberto Del Rio is much bigger and mean and yeah very handsome. The crowd is chanting LUCHA LUCHA LUCHA which I guess is like chanting FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT or as they chant in Japan FAITO FAITO FAITO which I have read in a book by an English-speaker who lived in Japan for a while puts you in a weird position as an Anglo because on the one hand you don't want to be the guy not saying FAITO with his/her palz but on the other hand haha yikes.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Del Rio is chucking this lil fella around pretty well! Ooooooooh no Kalisto tried a weird move like a "code red" or something and just spiked himself, poor little guy. I don't know for sure that's what he was going for but I will say that I don't really like that one; one's thoughts turn to the realllllly good Kamaitachi/Dragon Lee match from the final night of Fantastica Mania (no YOU shut up) and how they had a bunch of moves in that one where it was like wait who is that one supposed to be harming I don't get it and some of them were I guess kind of like a "code red" (I do kind of like the one Hirooki Goto does out of the corner; he is a neo-samurai). Kalisto hit his "salida del sol" (which is "dawn?") and wins the U.S. Title (for the second time, I have learned) and remember when he did that one through a ladder a while ago? That was crazy! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Renée Young is here with a panel consisting of Booker T in a stylish scarf, Jerry Lawler in an Affliction shirt (a</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">nd now his soul is poured out upon him; the days of affliction have taken hold upon him, imo), and Corey Graves who I mostly know from panels, and oh Renée why do you adopt a different voice and say "Bookah TEEEE"; that is a mess to have done that. And yet she remains charming despite this? Or perhaps, perversely, because of it? There is something paradoxical (para-doxa, "overwhelming glory," as Millbank glosses) at work here. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Paul Heyman and Stephanie McMahon are shown backstage standing at a 3/4 angle to a camera they are pretending either is not there or is not on and so their secrets are safe. This is one of the things that you are declared NO FUN for minding because it has been happening for so long that it clearly is never going to change so why make a thing of it but look art is important and this runs counter to art and I am not going to stop. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"Moments don't last; they're . . . fleeting" Charlotte tells us in the video package that runs before her championship defense against Becky Lynch. Becky Lynch is pretty good (I reject her steampunk aesthetic obviously) but I am not all that sure Charlotte is. Obviously neither of them is Sasha Banks but that is an unreasonable standard to hold humans to. Sasha Banks and Bailey sure had a good one in Brooklyn! I think it was the second-best WWE match all year (don't be like mmmmmwwwwwwaaaaaactually it was an *NXT* match; you owe yourself more than that), bested only by the triple-threat title match at last year's Royal Rumble between John Cena and Seth Rollins and Brock Lesnar! Neither of these matches made my ballot for the Meltz Awards obviously but these things can't be helped.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Woah ok Byron Saxton is just saying some normal things when JBL breaks in thusly: "Byron your obfuscation of the story is monumental, because Charlotte, what's going on here is that she is preordained for greatness. Not to be Calvinistic, but some people just have a date with destiny, and that is Charlotte."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This match has been underway for a couple minutes and is pretty unremarkable until they spill to the outside and then Ric Flair, who has long claimed to be both kiss-stealin' and wheelin'-dealin', makes good on half of that by planting one on Becky Lynch and I guess when you see kiss-stealin' play out right in front of you like that it is a little bit less like "lol u cad" and more like "that was not that great." Also not great: this match ZING haha like everything looks super cooperatery and there is a moment of promise when an "electric chair" position is attained and one dreams of a "One-Winged Angel" like the GREAT Kenny Omega would do from here or maybe "Croyt's Wrath" (he names everything after video games but is somehow still the best) but nothing like that happens. Hey like a year ago I said to my pal Russ that I thought Kenny Omega would have more good matches in 2015 than Daniel Bryan and lol I wish I wasn't as right about that as I turned out to be! And Ric Flair has tossed his jacket on Becky Lynch, thereby distracting her, and Charlotte wins, and this was really not very good. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">EXCEPT SASHA BANKS IS HERE AND THE PEOPLE RIGHTLY LOVE HER MY GOODNESS noooo why is she attacking Becky Lynch what did Becky Lynch ever do to her (maybe lots of things idk) and now the hand of friendship is offered to Charlotte and they do a Fresh Prince-esque slapping of hands with a psssshhh AH HA BANKS STATEMENT CROSSFACE YESSSSSS NOW STOMP ON HER HANDS LIKE YOU DID THAT OTHER TIME IT WAS DISGUSTING BUT DO IT AGAIN well she didn't do it again but that was still worth it lol Michael Cole is like "SASHA BANKS MAKING A STATEMENT WITH THE BANKS STATEMENT" and yeah we get it Michael Cole it's ok and then Byron Saxton is like "FROM A BANKS STATEMENT TO A BOLD STATEMENT" lol jesus christ these guys are the worst. At least JBL has interests. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Let's pause now to thank Chex Mix for making everybody's dreams come true; then they do the I guess now-annual thing where they share a bunch of "statistics" but this is trivia not statistics and utterly pointless even in the fairly absurd context of people pretending to fight. Actually I take that last part back a little because pretending to fight occurs at the intersection of</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> græppling (so important) and the aesthetic (utterly vital), making it literally crucial. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Lilian Garcia is kind of mangling the explanation here (I have no problem with her; this is a rare lapse) but the deal is that Roman Reigns, champion of the planet, is entering at number one and the WWE Championship, which still literally looks like a Josten's class ring, is very much at stake! This is a pretty good twist imo. Roman Reigns still enters through the crowd as a vestigial element of his time in the Shield I guess, but I think now it is supposed to signify that he is of the people, but they boo him without mercy as he makes his way through them in his awful ring gear. He had a very good match with Brock Lesnar (and eventually Seth Rollins) in the main event of Wrestlemania in which he and Brock hit each other really very hard and then the super slow motion replays revealed that yeah they hit each other *really* very hard and it was totally good (third best WWE match of the year? top five anyway) but I am not going to overlook the extent to which the guy remains a d</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ö</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ø</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">f</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> out there. I am not immune to human beauty and can plainly see his icy blue eyes and impressive locks and the fine physique buried beneath his truly shitty ring gear but the guy remains d</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ö</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ø</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">fwave and if your objection is THAT IS HOW HE IS BEING BOOKED AND SCRIPTED I will of course concede the point but ask you in what truer way should I come to know him so as to not find him a big fvkkn d</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ö</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ø</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">f and why should this be work on my end. Here he is being deservedly booed, much as he was when Nick and I saw him wrestle a fairly shitty house show main event at the Forum (the Arena part, not the Multipurpose Room) against Seth Rollins, and I don't think Seth Rollins was necessarily the problem in that one, you know? HE'S NOT THAT BAD well no but he isn't that fvkkn good either is he. PPL BOO JOHN CENA ON THE BIG SHOWS TOO look John Cena is conservatively *ten* times the wrestler Roman Reigns is and the person I am arguing with who doesn't even exist is *embarrassing* himself right now BUT SEVERAL PEOPLE CHEERED WHEN THE BABYFACE WON THE TITLE ON RAW just stop digging bro stop digging.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Rusev is in at number two! His real name is Miroslav Barnyashev (Мирослав Барняшев) and I hope he and Lana are happy together forever! I preferred it when he wrestled barefoot but I am not going to let that interfere now. Reigns and Rusev are going at it HAMMER AND TONGS YEAH ELIMINATE ROMAN RIGHT AWAY IT WOULD BE CRAZY no he went out through the middle rope and now he is back in and unleashed a </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">truly </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">d</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ö</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ø</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">f</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">wave BWOOOOOHHHHAAAAHHHHH before hitting a spear and dumping Rusev over the top and this is an injustice, perhaps the first of many. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ STYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYLESSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU YEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH OK IF THIS IS HOW IT IS HAS TO BE LET'S DO IT I mean obviously I would prefer him to remain in NJPW and have ****+ matches every other month but he is here now and I am going to try to enjoy it as much as the people of Orlando (mb the Royal Rumble is a travelling crowd to a certain extent at this point?) are presently and that is a *lot* and I don't recognize this music but it is pretty sikk with its churchy organ sounds over a chill beat and I wonder if like his NJPW theme it will start saying "fvkk yr dreamz fvkk yr life" if you let it play long enough (try it, it really does start saying that; maybe you already knew but I didn't until Bryan's friend Vinny noted it). I am WAAAAAAAAAY into A.J. Styles as you would expect of a person such as me and if I may digress: I never watched any uhhhhhh "TNA" (to even type that is a difficulty) and for the longest time my only awareness of A.J. Styles was when he said "the GAY community?!?" on a Meltzer podcast and the time he got really mad at Mike Tenay because of how he came from a trailer park (Styles, not Tenay, and idk A.J. my first home was in a trailer park too but you don't see me getting mad at Mike Tenay about it); the first I knew of because of my near-fanatical devotion to Meltzer audio, the second, because the clip went viral (amongst the like dozen people with whom I talk about wrestling via computers). I assumed he was a superflippy X-Division guy and probably fine but not necessarily my kind of thing BUT THEN he got booked on some local Wrestlecentre indie shows (at . . . the Forum) and I was not especially thrilled about it but my friend Pete was like "no KS based on the kind of stuff you like you will like A.J. Styles, trust me" and I did I trusted Pete's judgement and he was *right* like the first time A.J. started working a headlock on decent-local-guy J.P. Simms I leaned over to my brother and was like "jesus fvkkn christ look at how good that headlock is" and if you ask my brother he will CONFIRM how into these </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">græppleh</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">øldz I was. This was around the time Styles was IWGP champion (HE BROUGHT THE BELT . . . TO THE FORUM) and having the MOTY w/ Minoru Suzuki in the G1 and the effect of like "pretty good local match, pretty good local match, good indie match with someone from away, BEST WRESTLER IN THE WORLD PRETTY MUCH" was *profound* and *major* (in the realm of </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">græpz</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">thetics) and now here I am; indeed, here *we* are.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">While it is improbable that week after week A.J. Styles will be performing in front of rapturous crowds intimately familiar with his work of recent years with Tanahashi and Okada and Nakamura through their subscriptions to NJPW World, as far as first nights go this is a better response than could have been expected and YEEEAAH STYLES CLASH lol ok no as it turns out A.J. is not permitted to hit the Styles Clash on the WWE Champion in the opening seconds of his time here which if regrettable is totally understandable and now in at number three is Tyler Breeze who is sometimes referred to as "Prince Pretty" if I am not mistaken and he seems good and I enjoyed his match against Jushin Thunder Liger at the Brooklyn show (Liger had a deceptively sikk lucha-subz match against Virus at the last Fantastica Mania at Korakuen Hall if you are looking for the most recent sikk Liger match) aaaaaand there goes Tyler Breeze, held aloft by Styles and then punched over by Reigns and in at number four is Curtis Axel (son of Mr. Perfect, but in some ways it is hard to believe that) who is part of a faction called the Social Outcasts I guess? (Don't tell me about them though please.) A.J. hits an interfering Adam Rose with his flying forearm that always looks so good *and it looks so good* and then a moment later he clotheslines Axel out and it is back to just Styles and Reigns (this is pretty neat!) as the crowd is exhorted to BREAK THE WALLZZZ DOOOOOOOWN because it is Chris Jericho and he gets a great reaction oooohhh gaaawwwd what has happened to his body: it is as though it has liquefied with age and then resettled but not with the barrel-chested melted-butter glory of a pantsed-and-singleted-luchador in his latter days; instead he is just a mess, the poor guy. And he wears less gear in his forties than he did in his twenties. This is a nightmare. His physique has always fluctuated wildly but this is low ebb by a lot. He is a few years older than me and maybe this is what awaits me too once I catch up but I think (hope) there is something else at play here, something dark and unnameable. Y</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ou might have a look at Chris Jericho right now and be like "lol that is some body" and then laugh it off and just go on with your day and your life but consider please that any time he wants to do anything, whether it be enjoy the tendernesses of his good lady wife or merely go for a swim, that is the body he has to do it in.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: start;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Consider Phlebas, who was once handsome and tall as you</i></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">He also has a number of tattoos now which are new to me at least; I have seen it suggested that Jericho is an aging hipster dad but that to me is wholly inaccurate as he is plainly an aging *rocker* dad whose sensibility is demonstrably pre-hipster (in the contemporary sense) BWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFF it is THE DEMON KANE in at number seven and while I do not understand why exactly he is no longer Corporate Kane I am more relieved about it than curious about it. He is, as one would expect, leveling <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">d</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ö</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ød</span>z (lol they don't even try to hide that the hair is attached to the mask do they). The crowd responds very favourably to the arrival of Goldust at number eight which reveals the people of Orlando to be of taste and learning because Goldust is of quality. Just before he enters the ring though Jericho tries to headbutt Roman Reigns but gets the worst of it due to Samoanicity. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The crowd chants A J STYLES which is how I feel from my couch also as things settle in here and this feels like way less than two minutes as RYBACK and his unfettered access to bodybuilding drugs and paraphernalia enters at number nine and do people still chant C.M. Punk at Ryback because of things C. M. Punk said about Ryback on the Colt Cabana podcast before choosing to cosplay as a martial artist? (p.s. run up when you see me Phil) </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It's a new day yes it is as Kofi Kingston enters at number ten and maybe he will redeem himself for his prrrrrretty lame spot last year where if I recall correctly he was thrown out but held up by the ravers who had fallen under the sway of Adam Rose on the grounds of how much E he had hoooooly cow A.J. got up *so high* on a back body drop from Ryback and then a few moments later does his springboard forearm from the outside back in; A.J. has been the best so far but that is not a stunning thing. Titus O'Neil is in and he is just chucking people which is fitting and right and OH NO Goldust is out well I mean he wasn't going to win it obviously but still. Here comes R-Truth at number twelve and he is grabbing a ladder from underneath the ring and setting it up in the middle of the ring and oh dear lord they are not ok yes they are ok: the gimmick remains that R-Truth is inexplicably simple so he climbs the ladder thinking there will be a belt there and there is not; I don't know if this is an improvement over last year's bit where in the absence of Devon he served as The Black One to Bubba Ray Dudley's The White One for a number of old Dudley Boys spots but either way the ghost of "Bad News" Allen Coage weeps bitter ghost tears.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This year's Kofi spot is that he went out over the top but landed on Big E Langston's shoulders and gets a ride around ringside and grabs a drink from a guy in the front row (there is a guy who offers the wrestlers fries at the Forum and the fries there are choice) and now Kofi is just kind of hanging out out there as Luke Harper enters and Luke Harper is enormous and quick and good and well-suited to the role of lead-hand in the cult he has joined.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS MY GOODNESS they are out here at Mr. McMahon's behest and they have dragged Roman Reigns out of the ring (under the bottom rope, though, which is less than ideal) and I like Del Rio and Sheamus so I am happy to see them but I am even happier to see Rusev back as his time here tonight seemed too short and aaaaaaaaahahahahahaha ok he splashes Roman Reigns through a table and begins exulting with arms overhead *while he is still lying down* man this guy GETS IT and by IT here I mean MY FULL SUPPORT. I have been told that Kofi Kingston has been eliminated but just how remains a mystery. That's pretty weird but this is pretty good!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Next in is the Big Show so this is the part where the announcers are like "who could ever eliminate this Show this really very Big Show?" but we know he isn't going to be around at the end and the best we can hope for is a repeat of that sikk part years ago where like six guys hit their finishers on him in a row and it was thrilling but they haven't done that one with him since; why not make *that* the annual Big Show thing? He eliminates Titus O'Neil and Ryback in short order. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">OK Roman Reigns is being helped to the back by Medical Personnel but he isn't selling it all that hard and he is totally just kind of walking up the aisle largely under his own power because the story here appears to be that Roman Reigns is SOFT and this is pretty dispiriting in that obviously he is going to come back and start throwing people out hither and yon and then win and it will STINK but I will say to the credit of the people of Orlando they are not into Roman Reigns at all and that is making me feel better about this otherwise dark scenario that now presents itself.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">While I was complaining, Adrian Neville came in and although he moves beautifully it will not serve him here nor anywhere else in his WWE tenure (let us be frank) and here is the unbelievably large and improbably named </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Braun Strowman eliminating both Kane and the Big Show and purely by coincidence I was teaching kata gatame just tonight including the (largely useless but neat) standing arm triangle that Strowman mangles as finishing maneuver; it is aaaaaawfully loose when he does it but I guess in his defense if it is nice and snug it can come on pretty quickly and that would be a calamity were it to occur in a context like this (oh no the Big Show is out; also he has maybe "shoot" peed, etc). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Kevin Owens drags his carcass to the ring at number eighteen and woah we are well into this now aren't we! Owens and Styles go at it and the people love it, especially a particular kind of the people (I am that kind of the people). Neville intrudes, only to be set up for a Styles Clash HOWEVER NOOOOOOOO Kevin Owens kicks A.J. in the face, yells "WELCOME TO WWE" and then chucks him out nooooooo but in truth this is wise: the very same kind of people I mentioned a moment ago (me) who will feel aggrieved that A.J. has been eliminated (still me) will take no small measure of solace in the fact that it was Owens who threw him out and not Reigns or like Ryback or Kane or someone (I really do feel ok). They have weighed all things to a nicety in the scales of their malice. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Here comes the always-wet Dean Ambrose in jeans that have to be chafing outrageously; the crowd receives him warmly and also starts up nice little chants and cheers for the departing A.J. Styles and I worry (not all that much because who cares but still) that this might be the high point for A.J.'s run in WWE: a huge ovation for his debut and a promising first night in the promotion only to find nothing really there for him in the long run</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> other than maybe a lot of t-shirt sales if they don't mess this up immediately (they will mess this up immediately). Will he ultimately be </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">as</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> the eunuch who embraces the virgin and sigheth, as his Lord said one time about another guy? Only time will tell (yes). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">(As a final word on A.J. I would like to note that while there is as yet no evidence that he is being booked, as my friend Neil has suggested, as Gay Teen Wolf, there is nothing definitive to suggest that he is not.) </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">HEY IT IS SAMI ZAYN AKA EL GENERICOOOOOO AKA THE GUY WHO INTRODUCED STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN TO SKA MUSIC ("we're gonna have a good tiiiime, come along for the riiiiide, that's what it *says* to me") IN AT NUMBER TWENTY and he runs right after Owens because Owens put him out with a power bomb on the apron, right? That was the thing they did? Zayn eliminates Owens pretty much right away and that was pretty exciting! Who is left here ok it's Harper, Stardust, Zayn, Jericho, Ambrose, Strowman, Neville and uhhhhh fvkkn Roman Reigns having a lemonade somewhere that fvkkr.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Rowan, he of the legitimately creepy sheep mask, is in next and hoooooly god Neville took a great KO "flip bump" off of a Luke Harper clothesline that was *great* and now Stardust is out too so I guess the situation is that the Wyatt Family is taking over here as Braun Strowman (lol what a name) works over Jericho with the standing arm triangle and it looks much better this time around actually. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">May the lord bless and keep Mark Henry who is out next and how could anyone's problem be with him and remember when he was kind of awesome for a couple years there? When he was balding with the braids and kind of had everything figured out and worked a really good "program" with Daniel Bryan for the lesser of the world titles? Anyway the Wyatts put him out pretty much straightaway and there goes Sami Zayn too and I guess the deal is its just gonna be Wyatts dumping people until Roman Reigns comes back out and beats them all singlehandedly while going BWOOOOHHHAAAAHHHHH and hitting shitty superman punches ugggggggh</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">lol ok so what has literally happened is that I had legitimately forgotten about the existence of Brock Lesnar and maybe by the sound of the crowd here they had all kind of forgotten about him too and are pleased to be reminded because maaaaannnnn everybody is going nuttttzzzzzz and chanting suplex city and he is just suplexing the shit out of people in the most heinous fashion and jeeeeeeus christ he has decapitated Braun Strowman (lol that naaaame what the fvvvvvvk) and this is sooooo gooooood and Rowan is out and BROCK LESNAR IS OUT OF CONTROL MAGGLE</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Longtime readers will perhaps recall that I am inordinately fond of Jack Swagger at least in part because he looks kind a lot like my late Aunt Sheelagh (may peace be upon her) but also because I don't know I just like him but none of this does him any good as he is in and out in seconds because Brock Lesnar is remorseless and relentless in his pursuit of throwing people places. Here is the Miz at number twenty-five making it back-to-back guys it pains you to remember they put a world title on given all that has followed and he chooses to join the commentary team rather than enter the ring and usually the Miz is pretty good at talking but he is not getting any of this out smoothly or well but what he is trying to do is an OK idea I guess like this should be amusing it just isn't for some reason.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">That's it for Harper as he got suplexed (guess by who) and then eliminated just before ALBERTOOOOOO DEL RIOOOOOOOO and why didn't they bring back his little buddy who would do his introduction in Spanish? Ricardo or something? Del Rio comes in and fires a leg kick at Lesnar (because of sh</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ö</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ø</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">tskillz?) but Lesnar is not that concerned and shucks him off before eliminating Braun Strowman (lol it gets weirder the more you think about it) so now it is Lesnar, Jericho (doing verrrrrry little lol), Del Rio, and Ambrose, which would be a pretty compelling set of guys in the ring were we not haunted by the knowledge that eventually Roman Reigns is going to show back up. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Bray Wyatt is in at the vaunted and coveted number twenty-seven position and he is like HOW MUCH MORE ABOMINABLE AND FILTHY IS MAN WHICH DRINKETH INIQUITY LIKE WATER only he says it all with his crazy eyes and he compels his followers to re-enter the ring and wail on Brock for a spell and this culminates in a Sister Abigail (an all-time great name for a move imo and if they have ever explained what that means please don't tell me as I choose to embrace the mystery here) and Brock is just gently dumped over by all four Wyatts like *boop* and the crowd is like ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh phooey. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ZIGGLER AT TWENTY-EIGHT wait why doesn't anybody like Dolph Ziggler anymore he gets nothing from the people come on what gives does Dolph not bounce around like a fool anymore or what? He is met with no enthusiasm here at all and I am perplexed. When Nick and I went to a house show last year (at the Forum) Ziggler and Sheamus had a really good HALIFAX STREET FIGHT (presumably the day after a MONCTON STREET FIGHT) where tables were gone through in pretty dramatic fashion and fun was had by all (except them probably) and Ziggler was loved by all; WHAT GIVES. His look is kind of a mess right now; maybe that's not helping. I don't know why he would elect to dress more modestly now than he has in the past unless he is maybe trying to head-off a Jericho situation but that looks like it would be years down the road. I am mystified. The French braid is a tough call because I support braiding broadly but I miss the untamed locks which suited his . . . untamable ways. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But yeah nobody gives a shit about him as he hits all his moves, and then the Miz finally hops in the ring just to hit Ziggler with his "skull crushing finale." These are dark days for Ziggler.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">SHEAMUS at twenty-nine and I like Sheamus as he is a demonstrable hoss whose Celtic cross motif is emblematic of his desire for a postsecular reenchantment of reality OH FVKK OFF ROMAN REIGNS FVVVVVVKKK UGGGGHHHHH here he is superman punching a defenseless hoss from the blindside and this is stupid Reigns is running around like he is totally fresh and hadn't been for example so grievously harmed earlier in the match that he had to go to the back and have soup this is *stupid.* There goes Miz (no great loss), Del Rio (a very real loss), and TELLINGLY the first time the crowd cares about Ziggler at all is when it looks like he is about to eliminate Reigns (he does not) and YES they are booing Reigns vociferously as he downs people with his dumb offense and goes BOOOOOAAAAHHHH</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">YESSSSSSSSSS IT IS TRIPLE H AT NUMBER THIRTY DO IT FOR LEMMY DO IT FOR I GUESS KAISER WILHELM AS YOU ARE WEARING A LOT OF IRON CROSSES EVEN FOR YOU RIGHT NOW BUT LET'S SAY THIS IS ABOUT LEMMY AND ALSO ABOUT HOW ROMAN REIGNS STINKS AND WE ALL KNOW IT ok ok so actually "the sheets" by which I only mean Meltzer has been speculating that with everybody hurt the main event for Wrestlemania could very well be Triple H and Reigns and obviously you want "the strap" on Triple H for that right so Reigns can have his big win there or whatever? </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">THIS COULD REALLY WORK OUT so ok the crowd is *completely* with Triple H and *completely* opposed to Roman Reigns right now which is probably a nightmare for their longterm planning but a genuine boon to my present enjoyment and guess which one I care about at all. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Ziggler takes a run at TRIPZ but is cut off and pedigreed in the most summary of fashions; Wyatt heads for Reigns and is met with a spear and a BOOOOOWWWAAAAAAHHHH (please stop) and he is rightly boooooooed; who else is in there let's see ok just Ambrose and Jericho I guess. This is a glorious amount of booing whenever Reigns does anything, more than we could have asked for. Ah yes Sheamus at last enters the ring and is greeted by Bray Wyatt's "ura nage" as some call it but it isn't one and I don't want to go on and on about this (lol yes I do) but an ura nage is a sutemi waza; it's a "rear throw" that is a "sacrifice technique" so if you are just ducking under an arm while a guy jumps up like a *mark* (that term makes no sense here) and you push him forward while you keep your dumb feet I don't know what you're doing but it sure as shit isn't ura nage, pal. Jericho hits a lionsault and his corner dropkick and Ziggler hits a Zig Zag and I guess it is that time for people to hit all of their foremost moves and wooooah Triple H really did a great job teasing an elimination off a Ziggler superkick (like, so good that you forgot for a second there is literally no chance Dolph Ziggler eliminates Triple H in anything ever). Sheamus and Triple H eliminate Bray Wyatt, Reigns almost tips both out but mercifully does not, Jericho comes off the top with a splash on Ambrose and then hits Triple H with a CODEBREAKER before Ambrose sneaks up and tips Jericho over SO YOUR FINAL FOUR are Sheamus, Ambrose, Reigns, and Triple H and Ambrose is all but consumed by babyface fire!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">OH HEY quite a cheer for Roman Reigns as he superman punches Sheamus out so I guess the people's contempt (misplaced in my view) for Sheamus exceeds their distaste for Reigns WHO HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY TRIPLE H WHO FALLS TO THE CORNER IN AN UNGODLY FRENZY OF CROTCH CHOPPING YESSSSSSSSSS I DON'T EVEN *LIKE* CROTCH CHOPPING BUT THIS IS INCREDIBLE and lol woah that felt so much like the finish I forgot Dean Ambrose was still in there but I assure you that he is and the crowd is beside itself at the prospect of one of these two guys *they are totally into* winning and none of the guys who are Roman Reigns winning yessssssss </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">LET'S GO AMBROSE is their spirited cry ugggghh fvvvvvk Michael Cole said "wackyline" again how could he poison this moment so crassly AND YES THAT'S IT TRIPLE H HAS WON IT HE IS YOUR CHAMPION AS LEMMY SMILES DOWN FROM HEAVEN AND KAISER WILHELM ISN'T SWEATING IT EITHER LET TRIPLE H RETIRE THIS INSTANT IF HE SO CHOOSES FULL OF DAYS AND RICHES AND HONOUR and you know what that was actually a really simple elimination that I don't think I've ever seen before: Triple H was on the apron and Ambrose took a couple of big runs at him to knock him off but Tripzzz got a knee up, stunning him, and then ducked in between the top and middle ropes and back-body-dropped Ambrose out. I could totally be wrong but I think that is the first time anyone has done this; it was elegant.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">SO UH IN SUMMATION THAT *OWNED* and could not have been more different in both tone and incident from the absolutely brutal displays of the last couple years; there can be no question that this is the best Royal Rumble since at least 2010, and maybe a few years before that actually, so depending on whether or not you want to get cute about when decades start (please don't) you can say this is the best one this decade, easily in the top half of Royal Rumbles, and probably like top ten overall? But all of those things will become clearer in the fullness of time; for now, let us be thankful for our good fortune, and salute Triple H, for </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">as Royal Rumblists he is on this day our representative on earth.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Yes, by all means, please *do* break it down.</i></td></tr>
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<br />ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-27535380476873452132015-01-26T12:57:00.000-08:002015-01-26T18:14:36.836-08:002015 ROYAL RUMBLE<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">YOU LOVE ROMAN REIGNS YOU LOVE HIM</span></i></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">TRULY THOUGH OUR ELEMENT IS TIME THE LARGELY DISGRACED POET PHILIP LARKIN ONCE WROTE WE ARE NOT SUITED TO THE LONG PERSPECTIVES OPEN AT EACH INSTANT OF OUR LIVES THEY LINK US TO OUR LOSSES AND WORSE THEY SHOW US WHAT WE HAVE AS IT ONCE ONCE WAS BLINDINGLY UNDIMINISHED JUST AS THOUGH BY ACTING DIFFERENTLY WE COULD HAVE KEPT IT SO and that is in fact a devastating thought when applied to literally all aspects of our lives and ways and so it is perhaps no surprise that it is probably a pretty good way to think about how but a year ago Roman Reigns was a beauteous terror of hall-troops of such magnificence that when faced with his obvious superiority our only means of safety was love and we wanted to be near him and maybe even snuggle in a lil *even more* than most of us let on at the time (and we let on ok at the time) and now here we are, all set for a Royal Rumble in which the looming spectre of 2015 döøfcore (healthdöøf?) Roman Reigns, well, I mean looms, like a spectre, right? Because it has to be either him or Daniel Bryan because jesus christ this situation is *thin.* I am not about to pretend to be unswayed by human beauty and so I get why Roman Reigns is still very much "in the hunt" as we embark on this road we call the one that goes to Wrestlemania but it will not surprise you to learn that in the interests of *scientific wrestling* my heart is very much with young Daniel Bryan who is actually pretty much my age but whatever and also I would accept a returning Sheamus as a darkhorse pick to just come in and hoss the fvkk out of people LET'S GET TO IT EVERYBODY LET'S WATCH THE UNDERCARD and if the undercard drags even a little maybe I will just say things about Shinsuke Nakamura who is everybody's favourite wrestler right now which is appropriate imo because he is the best one.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The THEN NOW FOREVER music at the start always makes me think of Baba O'Reilly which is not unpleasant at all and then we get a weighty voice saying WE ALL SEARCH FOR THAT MOMENT THAT DEFINES US THAT CEMENTS WHO WE ARE WHAT WE'VE DONE AND WHERE WE'RE GOING BUT THIS TIME THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE and interspersed here are little comments from all kinds of people including that *dôōf* Roman Reigns but also Dolph Ziggler seems kind of prominent here (don't do it man don't get your hopes up for Dolph Ziggler you know better than that man you *are* better than that man) TONIGHT DESTINY WILL BE DECIDED FOR . . . THE ONE and also there is the matter of THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPION THE CHALLENGER THE FUTURE THREE MEN BATTLE FOR GLORY THIRTY MEN COLLIDE FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO OBTAIN IT WHO WILL MAKE HISTORY WHO WILL DEFINE THEIR MOMENT and this is pretty good but I mean shit we have all seen 8-Mile we all get it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">PYROOOOOOOO YEEEAAAAHHHH welcome to Philadelphia! The Wells Fargo Centre! Wasn't Wells Fargo like super evil even by the standards of banks? OH YOU DIDN'T KNOW jesus christ it is the new-age outlaws with Phillie Phanatic hats and this demeans the Phanatic basically and ok people still love the Road Dogg's lil intro thing and also Billy Gunn's decree that all opposed shallst ensucken it but I hate it as it is a dark reminder of the Attitude Era which I hated and stopped watching and if you want a reminder of that era why not bring back Headbanger Thrash and to a lesser extent perhaps Headbanger Mosh? Their opponents tonight are The Ascension who have a vaguely occult theme which is a good idea but their names are Connor and Victor and we are shown a video package of them getting wrestlemurdered by a collection of old dudes like for example a Scott Hall who now looks more like the ghost of Gargamel than like actual Gargamel himself which is pretty fucked up. Billy Gunn is a huge man; I am not sure I noticed that previously amidst all the ass stuff (this is not a diss of all the ass stuff; how could anyone's problem have been with Billy Gunn). This is ok or whatever and the Ascension do their TOTAL ELIMINATION~~~esque finisher and if you enjoy ascensions you could try the card game called ascension maybe as it has kvlt art in it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">WWE IMMORTALS is a video game that is free but that I will neither DL nor play; Royal Rumble Pinball cost quarters to play but I paid them eagerly and would do the same today if they brought it back at the pub. What lessons can we draw from this? None. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sting was on Raw on Monday! I don't watch Raw but I am given to understand that it is the saddest trash these days and while I don't doubt that at all I don't know how you could watch three hours of Raw every week even if it was totally stellar as that is just a lot of Raw man. Triple H and Stephanie are seen backstage standing at like a 3/4 angle to the camera and talking like they are alone but not shoot alone (they are not talking about the kids or their life together or whatever) and Paul Heyman comes in and people chant EEE SEE DUB and Triple H mentioned Nikolai Volkoff here so this part was good.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A tag team title match is next between MiZ & MIZDOW which we all love because while the Miz has only ever been unforgivably horrible Damien Mizdow is unfailingly brilliant even if it is weird that they call him a stunt double when he is plainly an understudy but maybe that confusion is part of the gimmick and I am an idiot and THE USOS who are rad and who do all kinds of top notch Samoan dancing and chanting and Fatu/Rikishi must be proud of how sikk his boys are or maybe he really wanted them to get into another line of work I don't know. Maybe this wouldn't seem as great to me if I saw it every week or whatever but Mizdow's antics on the apron are SO GREAT I LOVE THEM. JBL has just referred to Judo Gene LeBell as another notable stunt double and I don't know how much doubling he did as such (probably some!) but I read a thing where Gene was saying he wishes Ronday Rousey would really go hard at acting because when you get enough work in you get a good pension and residuals and everything and god bless Judo Gene LeBell; he wants the best for Ronda Rousey.The Miz plants an Uso LIKE A LAWN DART with a ddt JBL tells us and lol JBL is PRETTY GOOD TONIGHT MAGGLE.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ooooooh nooooooo an Uso has just now died as he came over the top hot on the heels of a previous Uso and nobody caught him (you had one job there guys) and he was doing a flip and you can kind of see the moment where this particular Uso is like "well these fuckers have failed me" and he just tucks his chin and dies. That was *awful* and these cretins are like YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP which while literally true is not a useful sentiment. lol wrestling fans are awful like "hey wrestling fans I have contracted HIV from a blood transfusion this is devastating for me and my family" YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP anyway the Usos win this one and good for them; they seem nice.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Renee Young, who is an angel of some kind, hosts a panel consisting of Booker T and two guys I don't know about but I really like Booker T and what is it about Renee Young that makes her such a compelling person telling us about wrestling? Like of course she is beautiful but the world is full of beautiful people who one simply cannot stand, perhaps in no small part because of that very beauty (who can say). But she is super charming! She is a skilled broadcaster who should have a better life than this.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There is a dumb sketch backstage with Noble and Mercury talking about an app of some kind JESUS CHRIST SETH ROLLINS JUST THREW AN iPAD that is the most decadent thing I have ever seen.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Let me pause here to note that live in attendance in Philadelphia are my e-bros GOUT DRACULA, BIG WHITE TOSH, and MUCHMOMENTUM and let me also say what is up e-bros please know that I value your friendship and hope that you enjoy your night!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In further tag-team action we have the Bella twins against Natty "The Anvil" Natalya and alt-wrestlegoth Paige and I am sure this has occurred to all kinds of people so I am not claiming any originality of thought or vision here but wouldn't it be quite a thing if they shot a men's match from the same angles and with the same male gazey emphases they put on the women's matches in some kind of grappling Hawkeye initiative or project or whatever that was called? Like what if Randy Orton's crotch was shot as lovingly as that of a Bella's? Wouldn't that be, as I have mentioned already, quite something? I think Paige's gimmick of being a sexual predator of some kind works pretty well though. Natty is a really good wrestler I think. I saw her at the historic Halifax Forum where, as you know Leo Burke challenged for the NWA World Championship in yore-days, and she had a good match with maybe A. J. Lee? Who is also good! lol you can feel the camera dude's throbbing dickboner as Nikki Bella goes for the pin; this is absurd. Brie really lays those knees into Natty against the ropes though jesus. Hey remember how good Stephanie MacMahon was in that match vs. a Bella? I don't see much WWE wrestling (just a little bit after judo on ppv Sundays) but I saw that one and it was kind of great. Steph GETS IT which is perhaps unsurprising. HAHAHA OK WOAH WHAT A FINISH so ok Brie hauls Paige off the apron to prevent the "hot tag" from Natalya and it is quite a spill and then Nikki *clubbers the shit* out of Natalya with a forearm that goes totally unacknowledged on commentary but which is some real live strong style shit like MISAWAAAAAAA or something where the FVKK did that come from my god</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There is a bit of break here so whilst on the topic of STRONG STYLE why not pause for a moment to hail its king, Shinsuke Nakamura, whose glory I have but newly begun to bathe in. Like, I had been aware of Shinsuke Nakamura, somewhat-bland-but-reasonably-effective shooter from years ago -- I have seen a couple shootz & also the Lesnar IWGP match for example -- but it was not until Wrestle Kingdom 9, which really & truly was a wrestling kingdom, that I was exposed to contemporary murder-fop Shinsuke Nakamura, who might very well be our swagmost human. I found a dailymotion playlist of all of Shinsuke Nakamura's matches from the G1 this year, and in those matches it is clear to me that Shinsuke Nakamura is the best wrestler in the world and also utterly fascinating to the extent to which he resists theorization. (Go ahead: try to theorize him.) There is a video from just last weekend where he is dancing around with a Japanese kids pop group called TEMPURA KIDS and it is a singular performance, in which, although he is into it and commits to the performance -- he is not aloof, exactly -- he is plainly not thirsty for it, you know? It is a fine line and one he toes not just in the world of Japanese children's synthpop but also on the mat. I have taken to having recent NJPW matches on in the background whilst I translate medieval epic poetry (only god can judge me) and while there are a *tonne* of amazing grappledöødz in contemporary NJPW, none of them are close to Nakamura imo, not even Tanashi (the most cheerable wrestler ever? how is that air guitar shit not cheesy as fvkk? idk! idk!) or Okada (such aaaaaaarogance) or Ishii (STONE PITBULL). ANYWAY, my bros NICK and MURPH, staunch proponents of contemporary NJPW, will be rolling their eyes at this johnny-come-lately shit (actually they probably won't because they are both super nice) but man I have seen the light. Go watch all the 2014 G1 CLIMAX matches on dailymotion; they are better than anything (pretendfighting division).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">PRE-RECORDED COMMENTS FROM ROYAL RUMBLE PARTICIPANTS alright I always love these here we go: ugh Roman Reign is such a *dôòf* now how did this even happen (remember at Survivor Series or whatever when he was like "I'm gonna uh be the first to uh Royal uh win uh wrestling? Buh-leeeve that") and he also encourages us here to buh-leeeve that which idk about you but there are some serious Kris-Kross resonances there that are not the toughest sounding (r.i.p. Kris-Kross I am not blaming you lil guys) and what the hell man why not go full AND YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTERRRR if you are going for that feel; Gold & Stardust are tremendous is my view; Rusev and Lana are A Great Act and I heard recently they are an IRL item which is great because they both seem nice; the Miz and Mizdow are up to shenanigans lol; the Big Show claims to not be mortal but instead a giant and in fact a motivated giant (wut); Fandango is bringing serious handsomeness to his assertions regarding the sheer power of the tango (who are we to doubt it); DANIEL BRYAN's beard looks way dried out and he should as a first step shampoo it less and lol he is doing the tiniest "YES YES YES" cheer so his arms don't go outside the frame of the shot or my god is that how high his arms go now?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The official song of the Royal Rumble comes to us from Danko Jones of all people and he is a mainstay of below-the-radar-and-not-actually-good Canadian rock and roll since like the late 90s I guess. The only person I ever knew who really liked Danko Jones a lot wrote a really long song called "The Annapolis Valley" that began "I used to live in the Annapolis Valley" and it went on from there for one hell of a long time (solid guy, nice guy). Danko Jones wrote a terrible article about Burzum one time, let me find it while this actually thrilling promotional video for the WWE Championship match runs . . . yeah ok here it is: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/danko-jones/burzum-racist-heavy-metal_b_4266735.html</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BRRRRRRRRRRRR YABBA DOOOOOO it is John Cena! I like John Cena plenty but I respect the melodious "John Cena suuuuuuucks" Philadelphia crowd singalong right now ("it's not a fvkkn singalong unless you bring the weed along," Drake once argued). Hahaha yeeeeeeaaahhhh John Cena's canvas belt around his jorts reads HUSTLE LOYALTY RESPECT; such is the extent of his commitment to those ideals and things. This crowd is pretty excited for Seth Rollins as well they should be he is great! And, as my friend Bill has suggested, a giraffe who does crossfit. Here comes Brock Lesnar and man this could be really good! I don't really like triple-threat matches actually but there are exceptions and these three guys are actually all kind of exceptional in their own way (even John Cena you goons). Old-timey ring introductions once the competitors are in the ring are great but a world championship belt that looks like a Jostens class ring is not great but whatever man the crowd is ready and so is referee Mike Chioda and so am I!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">lol german suplex maybe eight seconds in or something, poor John Cena. Do you remember all those German suplexes at The Summerslam? Of course you do. Aaaand there is another one. AAAAAAAND a double german suplex on Seth's lil cronies this is *great.* There's one for Rollins. And another one for John Cena. My god. This is like a Kurt Angle match except the suplexes mean something haha! Vertical suplex on Cena except he just like, fvkkn, chucked him at the end instead of dropping him straight down. German suplex on Rollins, and another chucking vertical suplex to Cena, and another to Rollins. THESE ARE THE ONLY MOVES HE IS DOING LIKE HE ISN'T EVEN PUNCHING OR ANYTHING. Lesnar has the gyaku ude garami aka the Kimura (so named by the Gracies in tribute to judo great Masohika Kimura obvsly) from do-ōsae (or "guard" if you are revolting (lol j/k ur not revolting)) which is *the very same hold* he wrecked Triple H's arm with in what was iirc Lesnar's first match back after his foray into the plainly lesser sport of mixed martial arts? Holy cow Cena just stands up with Brock Lesnar all over him like it is no big deal then Seth Rollins comes in with this like springboard knee off the ropes to Brock's head *like a fvkkn maniac* and this match is GOOD and it has been what like three minutes?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You can boo John Cena but you are only booing the best part of yourselves, Philadelphia.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Attitude Adjustment to Lesnar! That was surprising. Kicked out at one from the Rollins cover. Man what is the deal with these vertical suplexes where he just fvkkn chucks guys? Has he always done this and I have somehow forgotten? JBL suggests that Brock Lesnar is the closest thing this world has even seen to a pure gladiator which is probably true except for all the gladiators JBL *gosh*. John Cena is *taking it* to Seth Rollins AH HA Seth Rollins tried a kick from the u-can't-see me position but Cena caught it and tried the STF I guess but Rollins got the ropes BUT Cena just yanked him off and went for another five-knuckle shuffle HOWEVER lol Lesnar snuck in on little cat's feet and german suplexed the shit out of him until Rollins kicked Brock *really* hard. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think John Cena did a Falcon Arrow? Or a Michinoku Driver or something? I would consult Fire Pro right now to get to the taxonomic bottom of this but there is no time THERE IS NO TIME this match is tremendous. Seth Rollins has a flippy neckbreaker of the ropes that I like! AAAAHAHAHA F5 FROM A SETH ROLLINS SPRINGBOARDING SOMETHING MY GOD I mean Cena broke up the pin but man that was great what is even happening these are such MØøVZ and lol ok Lesnar clears off the Spanish announce table and he does it with such uncommon *fury* but now he is getting Attitude Adjusted three times in a row but no big deal Brock Lesnar kicks out of stuff like that no problem and also from a Seth Rollins curbstomp (man that name is awfully vivid isn't it) and while I don't really like THIS IS AWESOME chants all that much because I think the actual pronunciation of that should be YAAAAAAYYYYYY I get it in this instance I do I get it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">EVERYTHING THEY ARE DOING IS GREAT like for example John Cena just tackled Brock Lesnar through a barricade and that sounds pretty standard maybe but it didn't look standard and what is I guess even more important it didn't *feel* standard it felt fvkkn *real* and now Paul E. Heymanously scurries and scampers away as Cena drives Lesnar into the stairs and clubbers him with those selfsame stairs until Lesnar is laid out on the table OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK SETH ROLLINS JUST DID THE BEST THING TO HIM HE JUST FUCKINNNNNNG FLEWWWWWW THROUGH THE AIR WITH THE BEST THING ANYONE HAS EVER DONE TO A GUY ON A TABLE MY GOD like I don't even know why that was so great I mean it was a splashy elbow or an elbowy splash but it just looked incredible and now everyone has died r.i.p. everyone you died doing what you loved pretending to fight for money.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Lesnar looks well and truly out of it for a while and ahahahaa John Cena powerbombs Seth Rollins but instead of just pinning him in the conventional post-powerbomb way Cena passes the legs and pins from the side and I swear to you I FVKKN SWEAR TO YOU I am CERTAIN he did it that way because he thought to do otherwise would look gay *I am so certain of this you have no idea*</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Rollins powerbombs Cena into the turnbuckles in the first move in this entire match that did not end up quite as gnar as one might hope but it was still ok. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is a small mercy but a mercy nevertheless that they just call it an STF rather than an STFU when Cena does the stepover-toehold-facelock and ok there is a stretcher out for Lesnar and now Rollins' lil buddies have come in to assist him in powerbombing Cena and now everyone is taking a well deserved breather because yeesh man and ok now Rollins takes a run at Cena with an extremely battered money-in-the-bank briefcase but misses and yesssssss Cena does that double Attitude Adjustment he can do with both of the lil cronies up at the same time (this is only possible because John Cena is YOLKED)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">WHAT IN THE FVKK SETH ROLLINS JUST DID A PHOENIX SPLASH IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL IT WHEN FMW ACE HAYABUSA WOULD DO THAT BEFORE HE MURDERED HIMSELF WITH A LIONSAULT MY GOD AND LIKE ROLLINS MISSED IT A TINY BIT SO IT WAS LIKE A PHOENIX HEADBUTT WhAT THe FVVVVVVKKKK but lol that isn't the finish because Lesnar has com back like Lazarus except only for endless suplexes and Rollins FLIPS OUT OF ONE and cranks him with the briefcase a couple times but it is nbd for Lesnar who F5s him and wins nbd best match ever</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Holy crap this is unbelievable," is Jerry "The King" Lawler's take on this match and it is mine also. This was the best triple-threat match I know about and I am not saying that to damn with faint praise or anything because I usually don't like them; this was one of the best WWE matches in forever and do you know what is crazy? This was better than anyone could have reasonably expected and it might not even be as good as *two* of the matches on Wrestle Kingdom 9 which is to say you should go watch Wrestle Kingdom 9 sometime and then figure out which of these three ridiculously sikk matches is the best match of *January* lol what is going on with all this ridiculous wrestling right now.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh hey on that: do you know about Lucha Underground, with with Robert Rodriguez is loosely affiliated? It is really good! And they did this Rumble-esque match a couple weeks ago called AZTEC WARFARE only it was pinfall and submission because what fun is lucha libre without sikk dives and anyway when it aired Herbius Meltz and Bryan Alvarez both declared it the best battle royale they had seen in ages and almost certainly better than anything they would come up with for the Royal Rumble this year and while it was not *exactly* the same kind of deal so it is not the fairest comparison it was really really good! I however remain optimistic that this will slay.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">HEY GUYS HOW ABOUT INSTEAD OF THIS TEDIOUS STATS RUNDOWN (really it is trivia not stats) WE ADD SOME TIME TO THE RUMBLE AND GO TWO MINUTES BETWEEN GRAPPLEDôÓDZ AS GOD INTENDED INSTEAD OF NINETY SECONDS but no I guess not. This is really tedious whereas they should be doing stuff that is exciting right now in my view. Or maybe this is the "cool down" thing because how could you just have exciting thing happen after exciting thing; that would never work (wut's up Wrestle Kingdom 9)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ALRIGHT IT IS TIME TO RUMBLE IT IS TIME TO ROOOOOYYYYYAALLLL RUMBLE LIKE VINCE USED TO SAY and in at number one is Miz which is not exciting and iirc they have done this before with him but when they did so he came out amidst big puffy letter that said AWESOME which was solid. lololol ok JBL has just informed us that there have been two winners from the number one position including hall-of-famer HBK Shawn Michaels in 1995 lol JBL who was the other one and what is his physical address and where exactly are his dogs lol (a horrible crime we shouldn't be laughing). If they are going to allude to his achievements and attainments but refuse to mention his name they should probably just start going with his Fire Pro name like WELL MAGGLE AS U KNOW THERE HAVE BEEN TWO WINNERS FROM THE NUMBER ONE POSITION NAMELY HALL-OF-FAMER SHAWN MAGGLES AND "THE COMPUTER" ROOTS GENOA BACK TO U MAGGLE and number two is R-Truth wow he is still working good for him but what is this dancing around whilst rapping biz like I understand having a rap gimmick but this seems ancient and square like A-RIP-A-DIP-DOOO FELLOWZ LET US GO A-RAPPING and lol he just said whoomp there it is I rest my *fvkknnngggg* case anyway I wish him well. Also worth considering: the Miz's gimmick is that he is in movies well R-Truth iirc (shoot name Ron Killings?) was in The Wrestler although not featured as prominently as say Necro Butcher but I mean who could be.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">These guys are doing some stuff but it is whatever. BUBBA RAY DUDLEY? He has been in TNA and called Bully Ray right? I have never watched TNA so I don't know but a person hears things because of the company he keeps! Unshockingly the people of Philadelphia like this a lot! First time in the Royal Rumble for Bubba Ray which is stunning. ugggggghhhhhhhhhhhh waaaaaaaait a minute ok in the absence of D-Von, Bubba Ray has recruited R-Truth to be his black person in lieu of him jeeesus christ that seems shitty and yep ok R-Truth just pitched in on a Dudley Death Drop so yeah his job in this one was to be black; this is grim. Also grim, though less so: Bubba Ray goes TA-BLE TA-BLE to get the crowd chanting table and that doesn't sound that bad but it seemed desperate. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway Miz and R-Truth are both out now (weren't they partners a lifetime ago?) and in comes Luke Harper who is essentially a murderer in my view like this guy is huge and he moves and he has a gross beard and crazy eyes and the sky is the limit! They do some hitting and stuff until Bray Wyatt comes out with an abbreviated version of his excellent entrance that is still very good. Unsurprisingly Bubba Ray is tossed by these southern gothicists but that was great in that the crowd was thrilled to see him and he managed to not assault any women or use any racial slurs (that made camera). Curtis Axel (son of Mr. Perfect) is next but he gets jumped by the guy with the sheep mask who is now I am told a vintner of some kind and the Wyatt family lies in utter ruin and Wyatt tips his two former cultists out at the same time like *whoot* and that's that.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Things weren't racist enough with the R-Truth-as-D-Von spots so here comes the Boogeyman as another surprise entrant and the recent non-appearance of Mr. Perfect's son reminds us all that the best surprise entrant ever was Mr. Perfect in 2002, that Royalest of Rumbles, when he made it to the final four and the Atlanta crowd was like OH NO FVKK when he was finally eliminated. The Boogeyman and Bray Wyatt try to creep each other out for a lil bit before Bray Wyatt tosses him out and now we have SIN CARA who probably hasn't been Mistico in years but I am not up on things man idk. Bray Wyatt hits his sikkly-named finisher (Sister Abigail) and that's it for Sin Cara he is gone. Bray Wyatt gets on the mic aka *tha stikk* and says OPEN INVITATION but it isn't open; everyone has numbers on lil balls. The best instance of a person saying things on the mic during the rumble is definitely the time CM Punk (who continues to duck the twitter challenges proffered by my e-bros for a CM Punk/KS shoot encounter but this is no surprise as I have actual -- extremely meagre but *actual* verifiable existent credentials in a combat sport which puts me out of that clown's league WHO HAS CLOWN SHOES NOW CM PUNK WHO HAS THEM idk what he mean when he would call Johnny Ace clownshoes tbh) </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I got sidetracked but Zack Ryder is next and his lovable bro persona is indeed lovable: whoo whoo whoo; u know it; but it is not to be and he has already been tossed and lol like a minute and a half too late JBL is like SIN CARA IS SPANISH FOR "YOU'RE ELIMINATED" lol jesus christ JBL get yr head in the game</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">DOES THE RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES PUT YOU IN MIND OF THE PRE-CHRISTIAN GERMANIC NORTH AS IT DOES ME AS DANIEL BRYAN IS IN AT NUMBER TEN AND THE PEOPLE OF PHILADELPHIA MUCH LIKE THE PEOPLE OF THIS COUCH EXCLUDING DORIS THE CAT WHO DOESN'T GIVE A FVKK ARE READDDDDYYYYYYYY and I think of the various Royal Rumble *feelings* one has, maybe the best one is when a SERIOUS CONTENDER makes their way to the ring man oh man that is an exciting thing by which I mean *this* is an exciting thing and Daniel Bryan kind of has his hair in HBK-style perhaps as a tribute to his mentor? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Bryan and Bray Wyatt go like hell for a little while until Fandango comes in (what of his music everybody would sing to? what of it?) and then it is Bryan and Fandango while Bray takes it sleazy in a corner. Tyson Kidd is in next and I have have heard his gimmick is that he likes cats? Solid gimmick imo. Not a lot going on here as we are weirdly kind of into mid-Rumble doldrums already. Here comes Stardust and I support Cody Rhodes in every iteration. Some skin-the-cats are cat-skinned in the mode of Ricky Steamboat and then Daniel Bryan backdrops Tyson Kidd out wwwwaaaaaiiiit why is Daniel Bryan suicide diving through the middle ropes onto Bray Wyatt doesn't he have a neck made of finest porcelains now</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">DDP is out next yes it is Diamond Dallas Page in a DDP Yoga shirt and jeans tucked into black wrestling boots and that sounds like a mess but looks *turnt* and while DDP looks about sixty it is worth noting that he looked about sixty when he was like thirty-five so DDP Yoga is a shoot imo. DIAMOND CUTTERZ to both Fandango and Bray Wyatt which while awesome will steal the thunder from a returning Randy Orton and his RsKO unless I guess he isn't returning? And what of Sheamus, I ask, and his hossing? Rusev is in next and he puts his flag in a lil stand and Lana has this look on just this *look* and he is ready to go.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">DANIEL BRYAN IS KICKING RUSEV AND BRAY WYATT REALLY HARD wait what bray wyatt just like shoved daniel bryan gently and daniel bryan is out wtf happened uuuughhhhhh wut is this they are not gonna do this again jesus this is even worse than not having him in man they are gonna go with reigns aren't they there isn't anybody else maybe rusev jesus christ</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Goldust is in and he is great but this isn't the time Goldust this isn't the time </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">lol I feel so awful right now and then I feel ridiculous for feeling awful right now so this is a great way to feel and be lol I stink</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">WELL IT IS QUITE A SELECTION OF SHITTY GUYS NOBODY WANTS TO WIN IN THERE RIGHT NOW and while that isn't actually fair it is how I feel right now this is garrrrrrbage and now here is Kofi Kingston who doesn't have that I HEAR DEM CRYYYYINNNNN song anymore which is too bad but he'll do something great soon I guess NOT THAT IT MATTERS I HATE THIS ok here comes Adam Rose whose gimmick is he has all the E or something and oh ok Adam Rose is gone fast but also he has a bunch of party ppl with him and these party people catch Kofi on his way to the floor and then set him back in THAT WASN'T EVEN GOOD and now he is out anyway so who cares even a little and the crowd is so flat right now and that is how I feel too like there is plenty of booing but mostly the crowd is just like WHY WOULD THIS BE; LIKE FOR WHAT REASON </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">HERE COMES ROMAN REIGNS AT NUMBER NINETEEN YOU LOVE ROMAN REIGNS YOU LOVE HIM HE HAS NOT SPENT A YEAR BECOMING A DOOF WHO IS EXPOSED AND A DOOF NO YOU LOVE HIM YOU DON'T LOVE DANIEL BRYAN HE ISN'T GOOD ROMAN REIGNS IS GOOD YOU LOVE HIM FOREVER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Roman Reigns enters through the crowd because he is a beloved man of the people (the people all hate him) and he tosses out some guys including Cody Rhodes who is ten times the wrestler Roman Reigns is and subsequently Goldust who is *a thousand million* times the wrestler Roman Reigns is or can ever be. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">god damn it</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Big-E Langston is out and throws Rusev with a nice suplex but nobody cares about anything until MIZDOW comes out and the Miz is like no no I should go in but then there are shenanigans and Mizdow goes in and gets tossed by Rusev and then more Mizdow/Miz comedy which is fine but the booing continues in earnest.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here is Jack Swagger who I have always enjoyed but he doesn't have Zeb Coulter coming out with hilarious racist (hilaracist?) signs so that's too bad for him and for everybody really. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ROMAN REIGNS IS GOING TO WIN WHY DON'T WE ALL JUST GO HOME except I am home so there is nowhere else for me to go</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">RYBACK IS HERE WITH A SATCHEL OF BODYBUILDING DRUGS and actually he has been ok in Royal Rumbles so I will not prejudge this. Ok further evidence that Rusev gets it: he is hugging the bottom and middle ropes like a coward despite being a humongous monster which demonstrates real commitment to being a loathsome heel nobody could every possibly like even a little. GOOD JOB RUSEV. People are chanting for CM Punk because of things CM Punk said about Ryback on Colt Cabana's podcast; what an age.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">*BWOOF* it is Kane although in truth there is now BWOOFLAME this year just Kane in some pants. He is still Corporate Kane then? The crowd continues to not care.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK SO Dean Ambrose is probably our only (admittedly incredibly slim) chance for somebody other than Roman Reigns to win this thing and the crowd seems to appreciate this fact immediately and they are with him for about twenty seconds until they all just remember how sad they are and they stop cheering him or really anything and you know what they aren't even *counting down* with any real enthusiasm and that is *dark.*</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don't know who Titus O'Neil is but he comes out to something resembling a trap beat so I am in and he is full of such bluster and moment on his way in that he is probably lol yyyyyyyyep he was eliminated in seconds that was the whole point of his bluster. Two things will get you tossed from a Royal Rumble with a quickness: being full of bluster as you come down the aisle, or being black, and Titus O'Neil was both, so there you go. Hey if you were wondering about Vince and racism, find the old Bad News Allen shoot interview where he answers the question was Vince ever racist? by arguing that yes actually literally all of the time forever thank you for asking about that.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BAD NEWS BARRETT YYYYYEEEAAAAAHHH I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS FOR YA THIS ROYAL RUMBLE IS AN ASSSSSHOOOOOLLLE but it is uncanny how I was just talking about about Bad News Allen and now here we are, right? Bad News Barrett pretty much has it all and would be killer in New Japan; he should go there, and bring his amazing cape.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">NOBODY CARES ABOUT THIS AT ALL AS THE BIG SHOW ENTERS AT NUMBER 29 however please recall if you will how sikk it was a few years ago when like six dudes hit all their finishers on Big Show in a row (that will not happen). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">go to hell they put dolph ziggler in at number thirty how dare you do this to me to us to dolph this isn't right WE ARE NOT GOING TO FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS JUST BECAUSE DOLPH ZIGGLER IS HERE NOW anyway he superkicks some guys including Bad News Barret who has been eliminated. Cesaro too (giant swing first though, tecmo wrestling style)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK so it doesn't matter but who is left here we've got Ziggler, Big Show, Kane, Wyatt, Reigns, Ambrose, and lol jesus christ ok so Ziggler comes off the top and Big Show hits him with a *knockout punch* and then Kane and Big Show pick him up and ever so gingerly set him outside the ring like *boop* and then they do the same pretty much with Bray Wyatt *boop* and our final four consists of Big Show and Kane and Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose and there is just booing, just the sourest booing. Roman Reigns is bleeding and idk if anyone in the crowd has noticed but if they have they would probably be like GOOD which is uncharitable but I bet that is what they would be like. All kinds of chokeslams. And there goes Dean Ambrose *boop*</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I hate this so much</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The chant at this point is "bullshit" which is good but I like all the booing better and lol yeah here comes the booing as Roman Reigns starts his little comeback look pal if I wanted to see superman punches I would watch the utterly brilliant A.J. Styles either in the context of NJPW or at the historic Halifax Forum where he came for a couple of indie matches last summer and proved himself to be among the best in the world at disingenuous grappling and ok Reigns has tipped Kane and Big Show out A GIANT SLAIN LET US BUILD IN ST. MICHEAL'S NAME A CHURCH ATOP THE MARK WHERE HE FELL idk I am just old-fashioned about stuff like that and everybody is just booing and now they are chanting we want Rusev?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">THE ROCK OK IT IS THE ROCK and we all knew he was in Philadelphia because of the handsome picture he tweeted so this is something but actually it is probably an affront because the idea here is ok we know you might not be wild about Roman Reigns but you all like the Rock right? RIGHT?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">WELL OF COURSE WE LIKE THE ROCK THAT ISN'T THE POINT and now I guess Rusev was never eliminated so he is back in for a sec before Reigns tosses him out? lol what was he doing, just laying down for twenty minutes? I totally did not notice that. Is Sting mb here? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Rock is in there to raise Roman Reigns' hand but the whole situation is an affront and say what you will but the people of Philadelphia are remaining true to themselves here and can you say the same of our yourself and also consider the idea that chastity is not about being puritanical it is about the body remaining in the soul's keeping so the Philadelphia crowd could rightly be described as chaste here imo</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">AAAAHHAHAHAHAHAA THE ROCK HAS SUCH A LOOK ON HIS FACE I WILL USE THE SNIP TOOL AND LET THIS STAND FOR ALL ETERNITY ATOP THIS POST</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">MY FEELINGS ARE REALLY HURT AND WHAT ELSE DO WE HAVE BUT OUR FEELINGS SEE YOU NEXT YEAR WORST ROYAL RUMBLE EVER</span></div>
ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-75209568636745466912014-01-27T18:42:00.001-08:002014-01-28T06:06:12.369-08:002014 ROYAL RUMBLE<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpa0aaA2ah0skB5i4-hAUYPqU-OiKwNKqN56xP_7UZISJ1mm8YU-n5hs7hyphenhyphenZO8JWopEDq-ipb_ggDrYKg_19SRb5CSaQamVv6e8iVHE6tMJrsjPdKgk2ZBUuQ3_GxRCYi2cVlH6bFXST1Y/s1600/Capture.GIF" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpa0aaA2ah0skB5i4-hAUYPqU-OiKwNKqN56xP_7UZISJ1mm8YU-n5hs7hyphenhyphenZO8JWopEDq-ipb_ggDrYKg_19SRb5CSaQamVv6e8iVHE6tMJrsjPdKgk2ZBUuQ3_GxRCYi2cVlH6bFXST1Y/s1600/Capture.GIF" height="224" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>THE PEOPLE DEMANDED IT</i></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OMG LET SLIP THE DOGS OF PRETENDING TO FIGHT IT IS TIME TO RUMBLE IT IS TIME TO ROOOOOOYAL RUMBLE IT IS TIME TO TWO THOUSAND FOURTEEEEEEEEN ROOOOOOYAL RUMBLE I WAS SO EAGER TO GET HOME TO WATCH THIS AFTER JUDO THAT I INADVERTENTLY BACKED INTO THE SNOWBANK BESIDE MY DRIVEWAY ALSO I BEEPED THE HORN A LITTLE BY MISTAKE MAYBE INSTEAD OF RUSHING LIKE THAT I SHOULD HAVE JUST COME STRAIGHT HOME FROM JUDO AND NOT STOPPED FOR TREATS AT THE GAS STATION YEEEEEEEEAHHHHHH DANIEL BRYAN CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP DANIEL BRYAN CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH WHY AM I NOT WEARING THE DANIEL BRYAN SHIRT I SENT AWAY FOR WITH THE TAPED-UP HANDS FOR GRAPPLING ON IT YEEEAAAHH TAPED-UP GRAPPLING CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP TAPED-UP GRAPPLING CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">THEN/NOW/FOREVER it says as it shows different wrestlers from then and now arguably forever (who can say) as they play some chords on the piano to give you a feeling and then a weighty voice suggests to us WE ALL HAVE DESIRES WE ALL DREAM TO REACH PLACES ONLY A FEW HAVE BEEN OF MOMENTS THAT COULD MAKE US IMMORTAL SOMETIMES THE ONLY THING BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS DREAM IS BUT A SMALL AND SEEMINGLY INSIGNIFICANT DISTANCE A THIN LINE BETWEEN ALMOST AND EVERYTHING ON THIS NIGHT TWO MEN CONTINUE TO REDEFINE THE FUTURE IN WHAT MIGHT BE THE BIGGEST REMATCH IN WWE HISTORY ADDING ANOTHER PAGE TO THIS STORIED RIVALRY AND WHEN THEIR BATTLE IS OVER ANOTHER WILL BE WAITING ON THIS NIGHT AS THIRTY SUPERSTARS FACE AN UNPREDICTABLE AND CAREER-DEFINING MOMENT AN ANIMAL RETURNS ALL FOR THE RARE OPPORTUNITY AT GLORY EVERY OPPORTUNITY HAS A BEGINNING EVERY LEGACY STARTS WITH A DREAM AND TONIGHT NO DREAM IS TOO BIG TONIGHT THE ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA BEGINS and lol the guy said that all so weightily that I could type that whole thing out as he said it which is pretty remarkable because I am not a particularly fast typer or anything that is just how weighty things got for a minute there. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">HERE WE ARE IN PITTSBURGH HERE AND GOTT IN HEIMEL IT IS THE RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES DOES THAT NOT PUT YOU DEEPLY IN MIND OF THE PRE-CHRISTIAN GERMANIC NORTH IT IS DANIEL BRYAN lol holy shit people love Daniel Bryan don't they and in this respect I am most assuredly people and on commentary we have Micheal Cole who I guess I am still surprised is no longer heel Micheal Cole even though that was probably years ago now I don't remember also we have Jerry "The King" Lawler as a vestige of the feudal order in all the complexity of its social modalities and also JBL who has already made fun of fat kids which is mean but there is an obesity epidemic so maybe this makes him a tweener? I haven't watched any wrestling since (the) Summerslam really but (the) Summerslam had a couple of pretty sick matches like Brock Lesnar vs. CM Punk <i>and also oh yeah Daniel Bryan vs. John Cena in pretty much the best match </i>and Daniel Bryan won and everything but then Randy Orton came out and ruined it in league with Triple H and even more than I hate power I hate those <i>complicit</i> with power because it is just sickening. On this night Daniel Bryan continues his feud with the southern gothic Wyatt family and the real insight of the whole Wyatt family situation is that yeah the country is kvlt as fvkk like there are weird things that happen in the country even if you don't wear sheep masks and coveralls but that <i>especially</i> happen if you do. This guy is Bray Wyatt specifically and he is kind of a big hairy tub of goo under whose sway I gather Daniel Bryan fell for a time but out from under whose sway he has since been liberated when it turned out he still had his standard wrestling gear on under his coveralls. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am told that #NewAgeOutlaws is trending on twitter because on the Royal Rumble kickoff show they won the tag team titles and people are happy about it but in this respect I am in no way people because I haaaaaate what has come to be known as the Attitude Era because it was in truth awful like go back and watch the 1998 or 1999 Royal Rumbles and you will find that no matter how enormous a boner you had for misogyny at the time those are just not good Royal Rumbles to watch at all. The only positive association I have with the New Age Outlaws is that my brother exclusively like <i>exclusively </i>played as Mr. Ass in the context of n64 wrestling games and would perform his ass-based taunts frequently but judiciously; it would always work in terms of storytelling and ring psychology. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This match is awesome, as Daniel Bryan is doing a lot of his really good moves and the crowd is as into it as can be and Bray Wyatt might be a tub of goo but he is a first-rate tub of goo and has this Jake "The Snake" Roberts intensity to the weird things he says to people. And now Daniel Bryan is pretending that he has a concussion after having his head wanged off the ring post but you can tell that it isn't a real concussion because the announcers are talking about how Daniel Bryan has recently had a concussion and might have another one here so it isn't a real one this time for real <i>unless it is</i> and I am lost in metatextuality and hoooooolllly shiiiiiiit Bray Wyatt just did this thing where he bridged over and creepy crawled his way out of the corner it was disturbing as helllllllll I wonder if anybody made a gif of that lol yeah my friend Bill did and you need to see it: </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">wuuuuuut the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck is thaaaaaaaaaaaat lol this guy is a genius also that is not the only great thing my friend Bill did in relation to the Royal Rumble for example he made a joke about how in France they call the Royal Rumble the Royale with Men and that joke is legit imo that joke is official. As is this opening match! I don't know how hard these guys are actually hitting each other but it seems like they are hitting each other really really hard and all of the non-hitting parts of the match are super intense also like the holds and the moving around and just their ways and notions but also yeah the hitting. Like for instance, Daniel Bryan was just clotheslined with such ferocity that I was like OH SHIT despite having seen I don't know like thousands of clotheslines? Think about how many of those you have seen but this is a top 1% clothesline that just happened. Also it would seem Bray Wyatt's finishing move is called Sister Abigail? Can that be right? That is an amazing name for a wrestling move, like an all-time great name, and the move is itself reasonably gnar, particularly when it slams a dude's head into the barricade on the outside; it is a twisting move that drives a dude's face into things I guess and woah ok he kisses Daniel Bryan before he does it again and that is the match and the crowd is silent only moments after a pretty serious this-is-awesome chant and I am with them in both voiced enthusiasm and awed silence; that was wild. SOUTHERN GOTHIC CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP SOUTHERN GOTHIC CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ben Roethlisberger is in the building ladies and gentleman hide your divas hahahahaha it is no laughing matter actually that guy is a monster maybe</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A panel has been convened consisting of Ric Flair, Shawn Michaels and Hacksaw "Jim" Duggan and Duggan looks really really good which is not what I would necessarily have expected given the fact that he existed in the 1980s and knew the Iron Shiek and those guys.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Up next is Brock Lesnar vs. the Big Show and I don't like Big Show matches at all but shoot-style Brock Lesnar is good-style Brock Lesnar in my view so who knows what to expect here ok lol this is already great as under Paul E. Heymanously's direction Brock Lesnar is wailing on the Big Show with a chair before the match has even begun so he can't be disqualified but this is nevertheless a pretty clear trespass against the spirit of the rules if not the letter. An assemblage of video clips prior to the match revealed that Brock Lesnar has been shook in recent weeks by the extent to which the Big Show has been able to toss him around owing in no small part to the glandular disorder that has defined Paul Wight's professional life. Ah I see so just as the bell rang to begin the match, Lesnar attempted to strike him with a chair once more but his assault was cut short by a right hand to the maw that sends Lesnar reeling which is I guess in keeping with Lesnar's shoot-style as whilst shooting we learned that Lesnar does not like getting hit in the face *at all* which I do not say as a diss because I feel the same way entirely. Big Show is swearing A LOT in this match and they are muting him but the guy with the Pirates hat and the purple Macho Man shirt ringside is standing up and loving the shit out of every one of those swears. Woah this match is already over as Lesnar hits his F5 super spinny fireman's carry manoeuvre which is no mean feat against a man of the Big Show's carriage and that's the match but Lesnar is affecting a glassy-eyed stare that suggests he is still basically out from the punch; that is really good. And now many more chair shots. Not much happened in this match from like a MOVEZ perspective I guess but I really liked it! Brock Lesnar just pushed the referee extremely hard like if there is any other pushing that rises to that level in the remainder of this Royal Rumble show I will be surprised, impressed, and grateful. JBL thinks Lesnar has crossed the line in his post-match enmuggening of the Big Show in which bits of steel chair have actually broken off the steel chair, and he reminds us that the Big Show has a family to support but maybe his good lady wife is the primary earner in that household have you even considered that. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There is an ad for getting your taxes done by people.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Rollins and and Ambrose and Reigns of the Shield are now on the screen talking directly into the camera about how they are feeling about tonight's Royal Rumble match and at first they seem united but then dissension rears its fangèd head </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">and I like this because it harkens back to the time when there were always videos about wrestlers' feelings about the Royal Rumble match; I hope there are many more of these to follow! Oh ok no it is instead a dumb interview with Randy Orton who is dumb. I have no doubt mentioned to you previously that I was live in attendance at (the) Summerslam in Toronto where Randy Orton became the youngest world's champion by defeating Chris Benoit in an era prior to dogs even being anywhere near the enclosed pool area and it was a pretty good match but at the time I was a little sad that Benoit lost but eventually he would do things arguably even sadder so perspective is important.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2 Chainz and Wiz Khalifa "We Own It" is the official song of this Royal Rumble.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A video package shows elements of the ongoing conflict between Randy Orton and John Cena including how Randy Orton punched John Cena's dad after Orton lost a non-title match against Kofi Kingston? Whatever, Randy Orton is dumb I hate him. Also why are they talking about him being the first guy to unite the titles but like what of Y2J that guy was the best and he should come out and codebreaker fools imo hahahahah yeaaaaah coooodebreakerrrrrrr is he gonna be in this one? JBL suggests that if you could build a sports entertainer from the ground up it would look like Randy Orton whereas I think you would build one whose beard parts connected better. However much I dislike Randy Orton (it is a lot) I think it is nonsense that he comes out before John Cena and if your view is that the order of the ring introductions or rather the *entrances* does not matter so long as the old-timey *in-ring* ring introductions are handled in the correct order then we just disagree on this issue my friend because it ALL matters. Also let me just say straight up that I like John Cena and I want him to win. My sincere hope here is that Randy Orton's time is up and John Cena's time is now; that Randy Orton can't see John Cena, because John Cena's time is now.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">DANIEL BRYAN CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP is how the crowd greets this heavyweight title tilt and I agree with that very much but they are booing and chanting BORING less than a minute in which idk if that is appropriate but now the chants have turned to the dueling LET'S GO CENA/CENA SUCKS which are great lololol ok they are right back to DANIEL BRYAN CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP YES YES YES YES. JBL acknowledges the Daniel Bryan chants and says he is not sure the crowd realizes Daniel Bryan wrestled in the first match and lost but I am pretty sure that is exactly what they realize JBL. Micheal Cole says that Randy Orton has made it abundantly clear that he cares about no one but himself and that's true he is just so smug. I believe there was a RANDY SAVAGE CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP chant which is always decorous in my view and yeeeeeeeeeeah Y2J Y2J is the chant lol yeah codebreakers for everybody imo get that guy out here for fvkkn codebreakerzzzzzzzzz also t</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">he crowd is not interested in this match. This is not a bad match or anything I don't think but how many times have these guys wrestled, it has to be a lot, right? I am watching this and thinking yeah ok this is an alright wrestling match but I guess people who watch this stuff all the time are probably like this is just too many times man too many times. YOU BOTH SUCK YOU BOTH SUCK is a dark chant to chant at a wrestling match and I don't know if I would every do it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Randy Orton might be smug but he gets really low and deep on that powerslam he does when the guy comes off the ropes and thinking about it more maybe that is actually *why* he is so smug it is hard to say. Yeah this is really not a bad match and these wrestlers are wrestling hard at each other but the crowd will not engage with it in earnest; they are just like well whoever wins it will be champion or whatever. I can't blame them, I guess, in that whatever. REF BUMP REF BUMP REF BUMP OMG RANDY ORTON TAPPED TO A STEPOVER TOEHOLD FACELOCK BUT THERE WAS NO ONE THERE TO END THE MATCH OFFICIALLY AND RANDY ORTON GOT UP AND HIT JOHN CENA WITH THE BELT BUT THERE WAS NO ONE THERE TO END THE MATCH OFFICIALLY and I don't know that I agree with the crowd that THIS IS AWFUL CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP but I am definitely like IT'S PRO FORMA CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP IT'S PRO FORMA CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. Finishing moves and kickouts at twooooo are being exchanged. There is now a WE WANT DIVAS CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP chant that one assumes was started by Ben Roethlisberger hahahahahaha actually that's not funny what if he really hurts people and their lives aren't the same after. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">John Cena employs the (formerly crippler) crossface, a grim hold, before yet more finishing moves are exchanged, indeed each man's *opponent's* finishing moves are exchanged and whatever or something. The crowd is now taking this much more seriously at this point than I am oh ok wait the power is out UNDERTAKER? no it is the Wyatt family who just show up and stand there for a second and freak John Cena out and Randy Orton hits an RKO for the finish and then after the match the Wyatt family "does a number" on John Cena whilst the assembled throngs chant for Daniel Bryan (who does not appear). They play John Cena's music as he leaves but I have no idea why they would play that in this context as he just lost then got wrestlepummeled so what is there to celebrate exactly.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">HEY IT IS THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS these guys are terrible. THE NEXT PPV IS THE ELIMINATION CHAMBER I never watch that one.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Pre-taped comments from Royal Rumble participants! I love these! The Miz is awful! The Usos are good-natured! Fandango is just so full of himself but he is irresistible (he wants to main event the big daaaaaahhhhhhnse)! Big E Langston seems to be trying to get a catchphrase of "that's where it's at" to happen I guess! Batista is back I don't care! Damien Sandow is tremendous he is like ignoramus ignoramus ignoramus miscreant ignoramous! Ryback claims to possess unlimited energy that is kind of a dumb claim I doubt it a lot! Rey Mysterio just said booyaka and I am so tremendously over Rey Mysterio and have been for years who could like him except very small children!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Back to the panel, where Jim Duggan picks Dolph Ziggler (plz plz plz), Shawn Michaels picks either a Shield guy or CM Punk (as long as Punk is a heel he has my support otherwise no he gets too <i>le bad boy</i> and calls too many people "clown shoes"), and Ric Flair picks Batista whose work I have never much cared for though I like that he has <a href="http://www.bjjee.com/featured/former-wwe-wrestler-dave-batista-promoted-to-bjj-purple-belt-by-cesar-gracie/">recently received</a> his BJJ purple belt good for him belt promotions are super exciting! A good BJJ purple belt is a handful on the ground! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">AND IT IS NOW ENOUGH MESSING AROUND IT IS TIME FOR THE ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH ITSELF BUT BEFORE THAT GETS GOING LET ME SAY THAT THE OPENING MATCH WAS SIIIIKKKKKK AND LESNAR VS. BIG SHOW WAS BETTER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE AND THE CROWD MADE THE TITLE MATCH A METATEXTUAL SPECTACLE SO I AM PRETTY HAPPY WITH THINGS SO FAR AAAAAAAAANNNNNDDDD IN AT NUMBER ONE IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS . . .</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">CM PUNK who is attired in a simple grey hoodie representing the Gracie Jiu-Jitsu gym at which he trains and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that were I ever entered in the Royal Rumble at all let alone the number one (or two) spots where you get a proper elaborate ring entrance I would definitely wear a hoodie representing my judo club and I would tell all my judo pals that I was in the Royal Rumble and they should watch even if they don't like wrestling because this event is important to me. In at number two is SETH ROLLINS of the Shield and one's thoughts turn to how on a previous Royal Rumble show (indeed the previous year's show) the Shield interfered on CM Punk's behalf against the Rock and when the commentators were yelling at Punk that the Shield had cheated on his behalf he was like "the Shield?" like he had never heard of him and it was *great.* Punk and Rollins kick each other pretty hard in a solid opening ninety-second interval (I would prefer two minutes but so long as the sixty-second abomination is never repeated I will hold my peace) and while some of Punk's big moves can look a little shitty sometimes there is nothing one can say against his jumping knee in the corner as that move is ideal; the one he hit on Cena in Chicago that they replayed a million times was amaaaaaazing. DAMIEN SANDOW is in at number two but in his exuberance he is back body-dropped over the top by CM Punk not long after young CODY RHODES enters at number four. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA CORPORATE KANE is in at number five wtf is Corporate Kane this is absurd so like he no longer serves the depths of hell he serves like the chief financial officer or something this is stupid well at least he is gone because CM Punk is an anti-corporate figure (you can tell from his anti-corporate tattoos on both of his shoulders). ALEXANDER RUSEV was an Olympic prospect for the Bulgarian powerlifting team which is an obscure credential but one I will certainly accept and he's got deep bellowing music and an old-timey strongman physique and I think this guy is totally alright and would be so in literally any era. Now we have JACK SWAGGER and I have always been strongly pro-Swagger and not just because he used to look a lot like my Aunt Shelagh (less so now that he has gotten kind of scruffy). The Tea Party gimmick is great, and Zeb's "Every 90 Seconds Another Illegal Crosses the Border" sign elicited a chuckle from the vicinity of my couch even though I am an open borders kind of guy! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">S.O.S. I HEAR DEM CRYYYYYIN for KOFI KINGSTON who will no doubt do something awesome but the role of high flying racial or ethnic minority has never really panned out at the highest level and race is fake but lol not in wrestling it isn't. For example, JIMMY USO is in next and because he is Samoan CM Punk's headbutt is ill-advised and he falls. CM Punk is a student of the game so he should know this about Samoans but I believe his character is also essentially a progressive so he is not going to proceed against a Samoan as though race is anything but an arbitrary social construct so yeah he head butts him but it didn't work. AHAHAHAHAHA YEEEEEAAAAHHHHH OK so a bunch of guys dumped Rusev over the top then Kingston gets tossed but *caught* by Rusev who just kind of sets him down on the barricade then Kofi runs and jumps a reallllly long way back into the ring and as neither of his feet (never mind both of them) touched the floor he is good to go! Last year he did that office chair pogo hop thing which was neat too but this was better I think. GOLDUST is number ten, and then DEAN AMBROSE enters to make that two Shield dudes. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">DOLPH ZIGGLER YES DO IT DOLPH ZIGGLER and the crowd loves this guy and they are infinitely right to do so and it is only a matter of time before he bounces around for people in the best way. I love him. He is however a showoff. How is R-TRUTH still working man good for him! He was in <i>The Wrestler</i> although not as much as Necro Butcher! There is no way they would ever put Necro Butcher in one of these is there which is I guess further evidence that you can't trust the system. Oh R-Truth (shoot name Ron Killings, right?) is out already as the Shield got him and also Jimmy Uso a second later ok. Kofi Kingston is hanging by his feet from the bottom rope; he has pulled off Jack Swagger's boot; Jack Swagger has been smote with it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">KEVIN NASH would have to be a surprise entrant I suppose and it occurs to me that Kevin Nash was probably right when he said that his horrible decisions as booker had very little to do with the demise of WCW which really needs to be considered in the broader context of the AOL/Time-Warner merger and a company whose stock value was in complete free fall and stuff like that. There is probably a lot to that argument but also Thursday Night Thunder was unwatchable man it was awful. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ROMAN REIGNS is up next and let's just get it out in the open: Roman Reigns is beautiful; he is a beautiful man. He has Nathan Explosion hair and icy blue eyes and a very fine but not overwrought physique and if you can't admit that you want to be near him -- for whatever reasons and to whatever ends, but <i>near</i> him -- I don't think you are a serious person with whom I want to discuss ideas. He eliminates a ton of guys in no time, as well he should (of these several guys, I am sorriest to see Ziggler go). His father was Sika of the Wild Samoans and I was about to describe him as a second-generation Samoan but I guess he is probably like a zillion-generation Samoan going all the way back to like outrigger canoes and everything. I am so impressed by the history and pre-history of the Pacific Islands.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">THE GREAT KHALI who totally killed a guy while learning how to pretend to fight (uh, don't do it that way?) is in next but the Shield get rid of him and then SHEAMUS comes in and I am totally in favour of Sheamus just because he is neat and yells FELLLLAAAAAA which makes no sense and he was a beast at a house show I went to with my brother at the Halifax Forum (we had a great time and I hope they come back soon). There are actually not that many dudes here right now: we've got the Shield, Punk, Sheamus, stupid idiot dumb THE MIZ who just came in, and yeeeeaaaah FANDANGO who has taken a fairly shitty gimmick with a fairly awesome theme song and has made it just straight-up <i>work</i> man what more can you say he is like the Undertaker of guys with ballroom dancing gimmicks. A solid DANIEL BRYAN chant gets going just before number twenty is called and it is EL TORITO and I don't know anything about this lil fella but he is telling me everything I need to know about him *immediately* which means he is an effective communicator and I not only respect but value what he is bringing to the table right now with all of these hurricanranas however I also value and respect that Roman Reigns has brought these comedy shenanigans to and end by tossing this feisty little guy over the top. ANTONIO CESARO is next and Zeb's sign is even better this time it says YOU COULD TIME IT YOURSELF BUT <u>THEY</u> STOLE YOUR WATCH haahahahaha what does that even mean that is tremendous. Cesaro giant swings dudes like he was that one guy in Tecmo Wrestling who was the only guy I ever finished the game with because everybody else's special move was too hard for me to do and also wasn't it strange that at the end of that game you had to pro-wrestle a demon? Like the only way to surmount this challenge from planar realms? It was great but I did not see it coming at the time and it is no easier to make sense of now.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">LUKE HARPER is one of these Wyatt family cultists and damn he is bigger than Sheamus. These cultists are the real deal. The other Uso is number twenty-three and I love these Samoan dudes but I don't see it happening man. JBL points out in response to a question from the King that there have yet to be Royal Rumble winners from every entrance number but *of course* there haven't as their haven't been thirty Royal Rumbles yet DUHHHHHHHHH. JBL is actually the next entrant in the Rumble and I detest the thing where somebody goes from the announce table to the ring and then gets dumped right out. It does nothing for me. I am not opposed to all Royal Rumble comedy shenanigans or anything (I like the nostalgia guys and the occasional El Torito) but this particular thing leaves me cold and thank you Roman Reigns for ending that. Eric Rowan of the Wyatt family is in at like number twenty-five or something we are really getting down to it and this has been more than a little flat for a while but at least the Miz is out now (the Wyatt guys got him). HEY WHERE IS DANIEL BRYAN LET'S GET HIM IN THERE oooooooh shiiiiiiiit it is RYBACK with A SATCHEL OF BODYBUILDING DRUGS and I would never have guessed I would be in to this guy and honestly I am not entirely sure I am but remember how the last Royal Rumble wasn't that great until Ryback got in there and then shit popped off utterly and completely? So I don't know man there are a lot of variables to consider in something like that but I can't write him off completely. ALBERTO DEL RIO comes in at the vaunted number twenty-seven spot which has produced four winners (Big John Studd, Yokozuna, Bret Hart, Steve Austin). I am no less enthusiastic for his tobi-juji-gatame finisher now than I was the day I first saw it; also I have loved him since he threw a guy and broke that guy's arm in a Japanese mixed martial arts match; also he wore a mask and got kicked in the head by Mirko Cro Cop. He has lived, in short, a life. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is not really a good Royal Rumble at this point AND HERE IS THE ANIMAL BATISTA and he is getting booed pretty soundly which is maybe because he didn't do the machine gun arms dance with the fireworks and everything that everybody loves (I legitimately do). Batista tosses out Rowan and Ryback. There goes Del Rio, too, so there is really nobody in the ring right now I want to see win the Royal Rumble except I guess Punk but it would seem weird for him to win this year, wouldn't it? BIG E LANGSTON is in and he is the oiliest I have ever seen any professional wrestler in years, like this guy is upsettingly oiled at present. Only one entrant to go and the DANIEL BRYAN and YES chants are off the hoooooooook and then ahahahahahahaha it is REY MYSTERIO and lol everybody is furious, just booing all of Rey Mysterio's shit between moments of chanting DANIEL BRYAN CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP and now it is just a relentless chorus of boos like nobody is giving a shit about any of this right now it is just booing and I am not going to pretend to be above the fray on this one I am spiritbooing the shit out of this also because Daniel Bryan should be winning this Royal Rumble and he isn't even in it THIS IS BULLSHIT WHY WOULD THEY DO IT LIKE THIS and no that is not irony those caps represent my truest feelings unfortunately I am legit sad about this.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All kinds of stuff is happening like for example the crowd goes briefly nuts for Seth Rollins' elimination of Rey Mysterio who has been scapegoated pretty severely here and is being punished by the crowd for his non-Daniel-Bryanness which is understandable yet Rey Mysterio is not singularly in possession of this characteristic so it seems unfair somehow (I don't care though). Dean Ambrose tried to eliminate Roman Reigns which I mean yeah we are at the stage where alliances break down I guess but Roman Reigns turns the the tables a moment later and knocks out the other two Shield dudes as well as Cesaro and the Wyatt guy a moment before so he is going cré in there good for him he is a magnificent beast. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So that makes it a final four of Roman Reigns, Sheamus, Batista, and CM Punk and this is horrible what are they even doing. It is a finisher fest for a sec with CM Punk seemingly having the upper hand but then ugggghhhhh jeeeeeeeeeesussssssss chriiiiiiist this is dumb they just had Corporate Kane (what is that even) pull CM Punk out over the top and no Daniel Bryan plus this nonsense re: CM Punk is gonna lead to a smark riot man lol like this is as serious an affront to workrate as you can get this is egregious and if there is one thing you don't mess with it is workrate am I right internet people who like wrestling lol I am making light of all of that kind of thing but do not mistake me I really hate that Daniel Bryan isn't in there and Punk was the last guy that it would make sense to have win and now it is Sheamus who won recently and Batista who won a while ago and who the fuck wants to see him in the main event of Wrestlemania and Roman Reigns who is awesome but it's way too soon for him like maybe in a year or two but not now WHAT ARE THEY DOING I DON'T LIKE THIS.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Also let me digress for a moment here and remind you that CM Punk was pulled out by a guy who was already eliminated and if you go back to the 1996 Royal Rumble (a Royal Rumble you can read about on this selfsame blog actually) there was a thing where (the man they call) Vader was eliminated and he came back in and tossed Shawn Michaels way the fuck out of the ring but they were like ok well that doesn't count because Vader was already eliminated so get back in there and do excellent stuff Shawn Michaels; there is also of course the Steve Austin/Bret Hart scenario in 1997; also if you go back to 1992 there was a thing where Randy Savage, in his fury, jumped over the top rope to the floor to handle some biz but they let him back in after like nothing happened because they were like lol Macho Man you are such a character man just do whatever. BUT MY POINT HERE is that that elimination is bullshit and I am not basing this on some abstract sense of order but on ACTUAL ROYAL RUMBLE PRECEDENT and I want to file a protest with the league or something because CM Punk was wrongfully disallowed from continuing in this Royal Rumble ALSO WHERE IS DANIEL BRYAN.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So whatever. Whoever wins this at this point it is dumb as I see it. Reigns has tied the record for most eliminations in a Royal Rumble, and good for him he is neat, but come on. As these three guys regain their feet for the big dash to the finish everybody just boos and keeps on booing. GOOD FOR THEM I HATE THIS. They are chanting NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO while signature moves are being deployed. The Wrestlemania sign gets pointed to and there are yet more boos and instead of chanting "Brogue" along with Sheamus the crowd chants NO NO NO which is pretty choice and then ok Reigns has broken the record as he eliminates Sheamus leaving just two guys in there getting booed for not being Daniel Bryan. The guy in the purple Macho Man shirt has not looked happy for a good long while. The crowd seems to want to get behind Roman Reigns here but they cannot completely forgive him for not being Daniel Bryan; smarklationship status: it's complicated. I think Reigns might have actually gotten hurt a little on a weird Batista spear that caught him on the thigh instead of up around the hips. Reigns spears him back a few moments later but then Batista tosses him out despite nobody giving a shit about Batista or maybe they do I don't actually know anything about this but I stand firmly with the dickhole crowd in Pittsburgh just booing the shit out of everyone with the audacity temerity and utter gall to not be Daniel Bryan. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Realistically that might not have been the worst Royal Rumble match ever, as there were some mid-90s clunkers to be sure, and also both the 1998 and 1999 Attitude Era ones were just godawful, but this one made me just totally sad for like the last fifteen minutes and like why am I sad watching the Royal Rumble? This is an absurdity and not one that I will soon forget. Looking back at the show overall it was pretty good aside from the abysmal Royal Rumble match but there is little consolation in that I am afraid because the thing that really pulled the show up was THE DANIEL BRYAN MATCH AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH PUT HIM IN THE ROYAL RUMBLE HE IS THE BEST GUY AND BATISTA IS THE WOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSST</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In conclusion, though, Batista is the worst. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-87813915447183215992013-01-28T20:58:00.000-08:002013-04-09T07:48:25.315-07:002013 ROYAL RUMBLE<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">IT IS SOMETIMES SAID THAT WRESTLING IS A (PRETEND) SPORT WITHOUT AN OFF-SEASON BUT THAT IS TOTALLY FALSE BECAUSE I DON'T WATCH IT AT ALL BETWEEN LIKE A WEEK AND A HALF AFTER WRESTLEMANIA AND THE ROYAL RUMBLE OF THE FOLLOWING YEAR SO WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU CALL THAT AS WE GATHER HERE UNITED IN OUR ENTHUSIASM AND AFFECTION FOR THIS THE SHINING GOLDEN HALL TO LAST FOR ALL TIME OF WRESTLING SHOWS THE ROYAL RUMBLE I DON'T KNOW ANY OF THE STORIES THAT ARE GOING ON RIGHT NOW BUT HAVE DEEPLY HELD CONVICTIONS ABOUT WHICH GUYS OWN LET'S GOOOOOOO</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Let me begin by saying that I am pleased that this first match is for a prestigious championship as big stakes often lead to big performances and let me further say that Alberto Del Rio is tremendous and I have loved him ever since he broke a guy's arm with a throw and then also got kicked in the head in the radically inferior sport of mixed martial arts but I would hasten to add that the Big Show is kind of awful and last-man standing matches don't do very much for me OMG IT IS BRET HART HE IS MY FAVOURITE WRESTLER AND HE IS TELLING ALBERTO DEL RIO HE IS PRETTY MUCH A MEXICAN BRET HART AND THE BIG SHOW IS A BIG TUB OF GOO HE IS PROBABLY RIGHT ON BOTH COUNTS THIS IS GREAT ZOMG HE PUT THE HITMAN GLASSES ON RICARDO THIS IS SUCH A START TO THINGS</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(I guess there was a pre-show match but as a busy executive and actually quite possibly the busiest executive I have no time for such trifling matters and I am glad that the generous soul that put this up on youtube has not troubled me with it.) </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Michael Cole who I guess is not doing the heel play-by-play thing that was always awful and never even a little bit OK is not doing that anymore. He is joined by Justin Bradshaw Layfield who showed up with a nice suit one night and all of a sudden wasn't a blackjack or acolyte or whatever anymore but was a force to be reckoned with because of capitalism and also Jerry Lawler is here as a vestige of our feudal past and the social integration it represents in a complicated way. Cole reminds us this match recognizes neither pinfalls nor submissions which is awesome because both of those things are boring and nobody likes them; what the people want to see is guys pretend to be hurt for a long time and then the bell ring. Fundamentally if you find that you are a wrestling match and that you recognize the authority or neither the pinfall nor the submission nor yet the disqualification nor count-out you had really better be the Royal Rumble or I am going to take issue with you and you will probably be dismissive of that and however that plays out in the end we will not have enjoyed our time together.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This match is fine given the constraints that bound it structurally but it is not to my taste except for the parts where Del Rio threatens with his tobi-juji-gatame finishing maneuver or pummels his glandular foe to a chant of SI SI SI which suggests to me that Daniel Bryan is still well liked? I am exceedingly glad if that is the case because he is far and away my favourite wrestler of the right now period. Since we last spoke I watched a number of the Ring of Honour matches contested under his christian name and they were uniformly tremendous; as I have mentioned previously I saw him wrestle in a triple-threat match in Oshawa where he leaned out between the second and middle ropes and yelled at a heckler "I WILL FIGHT YOU RIGHT NOW" in a way that felt timeless and real. It was awesome how he lost in like a minute at Wrestlemania last year and it basically made his career. I have his t-shirt, the one with the taped hands in an s-grip because it speaks to me though in truth I do not wear it. In short, I admire him greatly and find him excellent and wish him every success.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Del Rio and the Big Show are doing all kinds of things that they totally should be doing like hitting each other with chairs and getting thrown off of things and through other things but I am unmoved. Ricardo duct-taped the Big Show to the ropes whilst Del Rio attacked with juji-gatame (or cross arm-breaker if you must) for the win and I mean I guess. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cody Rhodes who as I recall is *excellent* at this is paired with Damien Sandow and they are billed as the Rhodes Scholars and I see that Cody Rhodes has spent the time since the previous Royal Rumble crafting a fine moustache which is largely how I have spent the last twelve months as well also I value scholarship. They are here to challenge Team Hell No for the Tag Team Championship and to my delight Team Hell no consists of Kane which is fine but also DANIEL BRYAN who is the best and whose beard is gross as hell and therefore exquisite. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Daniel Bryan and Cody Rhodes open the match by being tremendous at disingenuous grappling in exactly the fashion I am ready to enjoy. When Kane and Damien Sandow enter the ring I am less into it but I have no real problem with Kane and Sandow I have no feel for either way but I suspect he is way less awesome than for example let's just say Daniel Bryan who just flew betwixt the second and third rope atop his rivals in a way that had a real kind of fuuuuuck uuuuuuu feel to it; it does not feel perfunctory. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is probably silly to go on about at length because it is so obvious but Daniel Bryan is the *best* at this right now and I don't even see how anybody else is close.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Is Damien Sandow supposed to be like Dean Douglas? Has there been a story arc about Kane and Daniel Bryan and anger management, am I hearing this right? I am assuming my impressions here are accurate but I really legitimately haven't watched any of this in months; it is not an air I am taking on to seem superior and above the fray. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's not great that they don't call it the Lebell Lock any longer when Daniel Bryan secures a crossface from a sankaku-garami (plz consult pg. 200 of Best Judo by Nobuyuki Sato and Isao Inokuma for more on this suite of techniques) but I am pleased to see it is still a finishing maneuver that dudes will tap too; to my relief, it has not been Walls-of-Jericho'd. Unless dudes are back to tapping to that one, too, in which case fine then.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ALRIGHT OK THIS IS WHAT WE ARE HERE FOR IT IS THE ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH ITSELF I WATCHED ALL TWENTY-FIVE OF THESE THIS TIME LAST YEAR AND FORMED OPINIONS ABOUT THEM INDIVIDUALLY BUT NOW THEY ARE ALL JUST ONE BIG AWESOME THING IN MY BRAIN BUT HOW WILL THIS ONE PLAY OUT HOOOOOOOOW?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dolph Ziggler at number one is a *great* idea and holy smokes he and AJ are kissing like a ton right now. The dramatic possibilities for a lady on wrestling are pretty limited obviously but AJ seems to be pretty good at it if I am remembering the Daniel Bryan stuff of a year ago with any accuracy at all. Dolph Ziggler is a show off, and nobody likes a show off. It's perfect. Things should never be more complicated than that on wrestling, Roland Barthes once argued (he did not). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">JERICHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO holy shit Ziggler and Jericho at one and two is the best one and two since I don't know Demolition or something. The crowd is going nuuuuts which suggests maybe Jericho is a surprise? I didn't know he was away so the impact on me here is less I guess except that I really, really like Jericho because I am a person on the internet and last year I was so sure it was finally his year to win it but alas Sheamus alas alas. I would like Dolph Ziggler and Chris Jericho to wrestle for like fifteen minutes before anybody else comes in but that might not happen. Oh ok so there is a grudge here in that Jericho lost to Ziggler in a loser-leaves-town-esque situation some time ago and this is his first appearance since then. Good job, wrestling! I like that plenty. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">These two guy are the best THE BEST I hope Ziggler in particular stays around for pretty much the whole time and just bounces all over the place for whichever dude comes in and bounces dudes around for a bit before pairing off with somebody in the corner with pushing. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cody Rhodes is out and ok awesome awesome awesome Jericho has him in the walls of Jericho of an earlier time the kind you do when you use Jericho on the n64 and it is siiiiiiick. Kofi Kingston has done some cool Royal Rumble things so I welcome his appearance as the number four entrant but I do not like his chances long term as traditionally high fliers do not fair well in this match with the notable exception of Rey Mysterio I suppose. Again, Cody Rhodes has a really nice moustache right now. "Dolph Ziggler's in trouble," Jerry Lawler tells us, and I hope he has cause to say that every twenty seconds all night.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">SANTINO! Santino is a genius of a performer, a clown for the ages. I am saddened to see that he is already out however he did get the cobra out, which is unfailingly delightful. I have no doubt mentioned to you that Marella is in fact legit as hell and it is no mistake that every now and again he busts out a killer uchi mata for his way is the gentle way of judo. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Heath Slater is the dullest guy on that very good cartoony wrestling game that came out a year ago oh wait this is actually Drew McIntyre I guess and that is who I mean with regard to that very good cartoony wrestling game. They are both non-entities and I will not concern myself withe the meaningless distinctions between them. Titus O'Neil? I don't know who he is but maybe he is awesome who knows! Jericho has corner-dropkicked McIntyre out which is for the best. Goldust is a surprise entrant at number eight and goes right after his brother when really solidarity would no doubt serve them both better but there is probably a lot here I don't know. lol ok Michael Cole informs me that Goldust has been very critical of his brother on twitter.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">David Otunga who remains built like a god in addition to being a shoot lawyer with a Harvard degree thus shaming us all "hits the ring" as is said and so far let me say that this is a pretty low-key Rumble but I have every confidence that business will pick up considerably in the very near future and I will have a great time. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK here is Heath Slater for real this time. I bet the thinks he has great hair but in my view it doesn't really look that cool. I am told that AJ calls Dolph Ziggler "my Ziggy" which is actually what I call him too so that's kind of neat. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I like Sheamus. He was actually kind of scary when he was a heel, and while he is of course less appealing as a rip-a-dip-doo baby face, I still think he's good. Again, I'm sure I've told you this already, but my brother and I went to a house show at the Halifax Forum (it is historic) and my brother hadn't seen any of this stuff in forever but five minutes into the Sheamus match he was like "who is this magnificent beast" and I have felt much the same way for some time now. A couple of guys are out, Otunga and somebody else you did not expect to win.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Albert is apparently still being Tensai, a semi-Japanese of some kind. It's a living I guess so good for him. I am pleased that Brodus Clay is here but it's totally possible that his charms might be lost on me had I watched him do his dance and whatnot for the last eight months or whatever. It is still fresh enough for me though. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">CODY RHODES HAS ELIMINATED HIS OWN BROTHER FROM THE ROYAL RUMBLE don't act so shocked MIchael Cole. Here's Rey Mysterio in at number fourteen. I'm sure kids love this little fella still but I don't feel that much for him as he does his 619 thing on both Ziggler and Jericho, better men both. I saw a really quite old lady at a wrestling show in Toronto wearing a "wine me dine me 619" t-shirt in probably 2004 or 2005 and I don't feel any better about it now than I did then to be honest.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know that race is fake and a fraud and nonsense to even talk about but I have no idea how to contextualize my experience of Darren Young without recourse to descriptions involving expectations surrounding race because this dude is seriously confusing to me and weird. Kofi Kingston, by the way, just jumped onto Albert, who had been eliminated, and then onto the announce table, and now he is going to use an office chair to hop his way back to the ring. This is totally what I am here for, thank you for doing that. It is for not, though, as he is soon thereafter dumped from behind by Cody Rhodes. Bo Dallas is in, Darren Young is out. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Godfather is a surprise entrant at seventeen and people are pretty into it but I am a feminist so this does nothing for me frankly and I find his appearance here regressive. At least it is short-lived as Dolph Ziggler dropkicks him over and out the moment he arrives. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am not trying to be gloomy or anything but as Wade Barrett arrives at number eighteen I regret to inform you that this isn't terrific or anything yet. It's cool that Wade Barrett is Intercontinental Champion, though, because he is pretty good. Who knows what they are doing with that belt these days though. It has not always been Savage and Steamboat, Hart and Hennig, has it friends?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">JOHN CENA and it occurs to me that oh actually ok if the Rock beats CM Punk tonight and John Cena wins the Royal Rumble there could totally be a Wrestlemania rematch couldn't there! I wonder if that is what they're going to do! I am not being ironic none of this occurred to me until John Cena came in and got rid of a bunch of guys! Let's see, who do we have here: Cena, Bo Dallas, Barrett, Sheamus, Jericho, Ziggler, Mysterio, and now Damien Sandow. Barrett eliminates Mysterio. I should mention that JBL messed up and was like NOBODY HERE IS ON THEIR FEET when Cena arrived and then was like lol sorry that's not what I meant to say in fact very much the opposite. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">DANIEL BRYAN IS THE BEST WRESTLER CURRENTLY AND HERE HE IS AND HE IS KICKING PEOPLE AND THE CROWD CHANTS YES YES YES YES YES YES YES WITH GREAT VOLUME AND ENTHUSIASM AND I JOIN THEM IN SPIRIT BUT NOT IN MY HOUSE BECAUSE I DO NOT LIVE ALONE AND IT'S LATE AND I HAVE TO RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE YEEEEAHHHH</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's probably old hat but I like the let's go Cena/Cena sucks dueling chants I think it's cool. Antonio Cesaro is in and also he is your United States Champion; he defended this title successfully on the pre-show but again I did not watch it. Here's the Great Khali who legitimately killed a person while learning how to pretend to fight if memory serves. JBL suggests that the Great Khali is a different species so actually I guess he is a legit racist not just a pretend kind like when he did that thing in Germany to get *heat* so let's denounce him. Kane is in, and he is actually way smaller than Khali, like waaaay smaller which is surprising to me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I had totally forgotten about Zach Ryder but I like him. OH MY GOODNESS DANIEL BRYAN ELIMINATED KANE FROM BEHIND lol ok then Bryan gets dumped over the top but falls into Kane's arms and they are having a spirited discussion as to whether or not Bryan is to be returned to the ring itself but in the end he is not. That was pretty good!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Randy Orton hears voices in his head they talk to him etc. and he is our next competitor to enter this seriously not-that-great-yet Royal Rumble and he tosses Ryder. I used to have a Flip camera like Ryder used to bring out and it was totally good but I just use my phone now and it's a really cheap phone but the videos are fine unless there isn't much light but at that point forget about it really because how many cameras are good at all like that. Cesaro is out. JBL is making a lot of mistakes.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Miz is terrible. I have never enjoyed him. Jindar Mahal is out and it would seem I have failed you in that I did not note when he entered. But time is an arrow. Sin Cara is here and I kind of lost track of the Sin Cara situation to such an extent that I don't even know if this is Mistico or not, not that I really know anything about Mistico either, sorry. Bo Dallas has eliminated Wade Barrett which is not Maven v. the Undertaker or anything but still. Wade Barrett does not care for this and plays Hulk Hogan to Bo Dallas' Sid Eudy or whatever.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">RYBACK IS A GUY WITH ACCESS TO BODY BUILDING DRUGS WHO IS IN AT NUMBER THIRTY AND I DON'T REALLY GET HIS DEAL OTHER THAN THAT HE CHANTS "FEEEED MEEE MOOOORE" lol codebreaker eat shit everybody chris jericho is aweome OH SHIT he hit a lionsault that never happens and then a codebreaker on Ziggler who oooooooh shiiiiiiiiiiiit recovers and kicks Jericho in the face *sooooo* well that was awesome and Jericho is out. Good job Jericho! Great job Ziggler, too! Ryback threw some guys out so we're down to Orton Sheamus Ryback Cena Ziggler and this is pretty exciting now! Orton is wrecking dudes for a minute but Ryback clotheslines him out. BROGUE KICK BROGUE KICK DOES THAT REFER TO THE ACCENT OR THE SHOES I HAVE NEVER KNOWN BROGUE KICK ZIGGLER IS OUT and this has been awesome since Ryback showed up even though honestly I don't think this Ryback guy is much of anything but everybody is doing SUCH COOL THINGS NOW</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sheamus and Cena team up on Ryback which I mean who could withstand that? This has got to spell the end for Ryback. But wait! Sheamus and Cena have pointed at the sign that says Wrestlemania and have come to blows! A Five-Knuckle Shuffle is interrupted by a MEAT HOOK CLOTHESLINE and then Sheamus hits Ryback with that emerald frosion thing that he does (yeah I've played some Fire Pro I kind of know some things a little). Looks like Ryback is about to get his shit Brogue kicked OH NO RYBACK SAW IT COMING AND DUMPED SHEAMUS OVER THE TOP THAT WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY GNARLY IF ANYTHING SHEAMUS' MISTAKE WAS CHANTING BROGUE</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">People are pretty into this "feed me more" chant but I don't know it seems pretty lame to me. Credit where credit is due, though, Ryback has a pretty good spinebuster, so he's not all bad! Maybe I have misjudged him? I don't want to commit one way or another on Ryback at this point really as he doesn't seem like that much to me but everything has been *so awesome* since he showed up that I should probably just stifle it. Cena has Ryback out with an STF which apparently does that I guess. OH NO RYBACK IS BACK NO WAIT CENA IS PUSHING HIM OUT AND OVER YOUR TIME IS UP YOU WILL FIND THAT JOHN CENA'S TIME IS NOOOOOOOOWWWWW and that Royal Rumble was not particularly good at all until Ryback showed up and then it was really good until the end! Also I like it when John Cena wins things because then guys who complain on message boards that John Cena doesn't wear wrestling boots will be upset. Cena finds a dude with an anti-Cena t-shirt in the crowd and does funny things with him. Have I mentioned that I think John Cena is probably totally nice for real? I really think he is. Like, I would be stunned if you met John Cena and came away thinking he was anything but a genuine guy. If these thoughts make me a fool so be it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">AND NOW FOR THE TITLE MATCH ISN'T IT CRAZY THAT CM PUNK IS STILL THE CHAMPION I honestly had no idea that he had been the champion this whole year man it's really something. Somewhere along the line he acquired a Paul E. Dangerously which is cool by me too. I don't like the Rock's STRICKEN BY CANCER STRICKEN BY CANCER promo all that much as I really don't think it plays to the Rock's strengths which is a weird thing to actually say because I would have told you that the Rock's strengths are all of the things human people can say or do. He is the most charismatic megafauna having edged out polar bears some time ago. But what I am suggesting here is that if the Rock really wants to draw money in this game he will listen to me about how he should do that. CM Punk is about a squillion times better as a heel than a face which is true of so many but extremely true of CM Punk like super extra true of him so this could be pretty great even if I am not nuts about the particular kind of thing the Rock is doing here in terms of saying things. I think it's garbage that CM Punk comes out first yeah that's right GARBAGE even if they switch it up for the actual old-timey in-ring introductions. GARBAGE.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">IN WHAT I BELIEVE USED TO BE CALLED MAIN-EVENT STYLE or maybe I am misapplying that term the match begins with a fair bit of brawling on the outside that is all totally good and honestly I come into this match with every expectation that everything they do will be totally good because these guys know what's up. You could be a very reasonable person and contend that the Rock is the best faux-grappler of all time in that his best matches are tremendous and he is as good at saying things (tonight notwithstanding) as anybody ever so what more do you want? And CM Punk is well he is a tricky one isn't he in that he sure does have some great matches and he can be a *great* talker like he was a couple summers ago (he can also be truly awful like during that period in which he kept referring to Johnny Ace as "clown shoes" for some reason) and he does a ton of cool things in the ring but a lot of his moves look so fuckin shitty man like just so fuckin shitty. Take his Randy Savage elbow, for example. It is brutal, just loose and awful. That said, I used to follow him on livejournal and I have a t-shirt of his that I do not wear but it's in the drawer man it's in the drawer. He never should have stopped coming out to that Killswitch Engage song in my view as it was super exciting whereas "Cult of Personality" is a solid song but insufficiently exciting. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This match is really good! They are teasing a number of their neat moves like the go-to-sleep and the rock bottom and the sharpshooter and the anaconda vise and the crowd is pretty into it! It's worth noting that there is some pretty egregious calling of moves and stuff though and I think this is exacerbated by the fact that neither of these guys have any hair at all to hide it when they lean in to say things by holy hell it looks bad. Did you know that I have been shoot rock bottomed before? It can happen a number of ways when you are grappling for real and the not-so-greatness of getting thrown (not that getting thrown is a big deal or anything but you know what I'm saying) is immediately mitigated by the fact that you have been rock bottomed an you and your pal are about to laugh about that and maybe even insist that something or other DOESN'T MATTER. True story true story I got rock bottomed a couple weeks ago and when we got back up my bro said something like "what do you think of the new IJF rules anyway?" and when I began to answer he goes "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK OF THE NEW IJF RULES" and I was like lol because I didn't see it coming at all and then he was like lol and we had a blast you should do judo or wrestle or do bjj or whatever man just get out there and grapple that's what I want to convey.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Possibly because the Rock is almost certainly more than like 250 pounds of ridiculous physique these days -- seriously it is indecent how this guy is built right now -- he and Punk just totally fell through the Spanish announce table *before* the Rock could get him up for the rock bottom and yikes man that looked really bad. I guess they're not hurt or anything though because they sort it out pretty quickly and a plain old rock bottom on the floor follows. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">SPINEBUSTER SURELY THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW WILL FOLLOW! You have to give yourself over to the people's elbow and in so doing give yourself over to artifice. Do not resist. BUT NOW THE LIGHTS ARE OUT! UNDERTAKER? UNDERTAKER? IS IT THE UNDERTAKER? NOTHING HAS GONE *BONG* SO IT CAN'T BE. THE SHIELD HAS TRIPLE POWER-BOMBED THE ROCK THROUGH THE TABLE! I DON'T KNOW WHO OR WHAT THAT IS OH YEAH OK IT IS A GROUP OF DUDES THAT IF THEY INTERFERE ON PUNK'S BEHALF HE WILL STRIPPED OK YEAH I REMEMBER THAT FROM THE VIDEO PACKAGE OK I'VE GOT IT NOW THANKS</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The announcers are yelling that it was the Shield and CM Punk goes "the *who?*" in a pretty great way lol I like this guy. AND THAT'S IT HE GOT HIM THERE'S THE PIN IN THE CENTRE OF THE RING THE ROCK IS OUT AS HELL CM PUNK HAS DONE IT BEST IN THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOORLD THE ROCK'S MOM LOOKS SAD AND I UNDERSTAND WHY THAT WOULD BE</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ooooooh shiiiiiiit Vince is out and so now it would seem no chance ah-that's what cm punk's got-ah well I guess it was pretty crazy that I believed they were gonna do anything other than Cena and Rock at Wrestlemania however I would ask you to note once again that I legitimately didn't realize that's the way things were headed until Cena showed up in the Royal Rumble match and started straight-up tossin' dudes so my head for this business is questionable. Vince wants to strip the belt but the Rock is like HECK NO RESTART THE MATCH so they do and Punk hits his awesome knee in the corner and his soooo shitty macho man elbow HOWEVER HOWEVER HOWEEEEEVVVEER THE ROCK ESCAPES THE GTS AND IT IS SPINEBUSTER PEOPLE'S ELBOW AND IT WAS A SPECIAL PEOPLE'S ELBOW ACTUALLY WHERE HE BOUNCED UP A LITTLE AND THAT IS IT THE ROCK HAS DONE IT AND REALLY THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT MATCH THEY DID A REALLY GOOD JOB IMO</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Was this kind of like how CM Punk won the match against Cena in Chicago, the greatest match in forever basically? Well no I guess not as that one was like Cena had a chance to get out of it because of Vince shenanigans but was like no no not like this and then Punk beat him I guess. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ANYWAY THIS WAS A PRETTY GOOD SHOW! Even if the Royal Rumble match itself wasn't spectacular or anything for the most part, once everybody was in it got really exciting even if the very last elimination wasn't the terrifickest and then the main event was a good match so what can you say man what do you want they can't all be 1992 or 2002 some of them are just going to be good ones and this was a good one! Also it was all up on youtube the next day and you can't fuckin beat that. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">SO YEAH FRIENDS I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN NEXT YEAR FOR FURTHER ROYAL RUMBLE FEELINGS AND WORDS UNLESS IN THOSE INTERVENING DAYS SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ONE OF US BECAUSE I MEAN FOR A BRIEF WHILE OUR STRENGTH IS IN BLOOM BUT IT FADES QUICKLY AND SOON THERE WILL FOLLOW ILLNESS OR THE SWORD TO LAY YOU LOW OR A SUDDEN FIRE OR SURGE OF WATER OR JABBING BLADE OR JAVELIN FROM THE AIR OR REPELLENT AGE OR OUR PIERCING EYE WILL DIM AND DARKEN OR WHATEVER MAN A LOT CAN HAPPEN BUT FOR NOW THOSE DOOMS ABIDE STAY SAFE EVERYBODY TAKE CARE HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE ROYAL RUMBLE WE ARE ON THE ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA NOW WOULDN'T YOU AGREE</span>ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-71941879818913083612012-01-31T11:22:00.000-08:002012-01-31T11:46:38.538-08:002012 ROYAL RUMBLE<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.geekyuniverse.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Bryan-Big-Show-Henry-Royal-Rumble-Match.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="http://www.geekyuniverse.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Bryan-Big-Show-Henry-Royal-Rumble-Match.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">COULD THERE EVEN BE A MORE HISTORIC EVENT than this the twenty-fifth annual Royal Rumble a particular variant of the familiar Battle Royal(e) in which dudes and on some very rare occasions ladies enter the ring at predetermined intervals to win glory or else give it to another as Homer sang so many centuries ago? No there totally couldn't however first we have a Triple-Threat Heavyweight Championship bout to be contested within the unforgiving confines of the steel cage! The great Yasuhiro Yamashita who numbers among the greatest grapplers of any era once wrote that he never entered into competition without wondering of himself at least fleetingly "am I a coward?" and one cannot help but ask if Daniel Bryan whose name was probably changed from Bryan Danielson just so the WWE could own it wonders that of himself given the less than auspicious circumstances in which he first obtained and has subsequently retained his title. His challengers on this night are Mark Henry who has improbably become amazing in recent years and the Big Show who tried to give his little toque to a tiny girl at ringside but she basically hid and the Big Show bestowed it on I guess her sister. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"DAN-IEL BRY-AN" is the crowd's chant as Michale Cole explains that victory can be achieved by means of pinfall or submission or escape which sounds kind of strange to me frankly but let's go with it and lol the *instant* the bell rings D-Bryan tries to climb up over the corner and lolol maybe fifty seconds after that he tries again. It is kind of weird in these cage matches how dudes totally "sell" hitting the cage as this calamity when I mean shit it is a chain-link fence and we've probably all ran into a chain-link fence at one time or another in our lives and it can certainly be surprising but it doesn't exactly hurt right? You can do cool stuff things if you are operating under the premise that the cage hurts like hell though like for instance Mark Henry can slingshot D-Bryan into it and stuff. Daniel Bryan is awesome by the way and I have just now noticed that his ring gear references his "American Dragon" *sobriquet rouge* with its subtle scaley firey dragon motif which is a great nod to his past of indie excellence and I recall that the one time I saw him wrestle in Oshawa a million years ago he came out not to "The Final Countdown" which is what one most associates with him from his days of wrestling before avidly chanting grapznerds but instead the theme from Dragonball Z which was an excellent choice imo. FUCK YOU BIG SHOW IT IS THE LEBELL LOCK WHICH IS A *SANKAKU GARAMI* OR *OMOPLATA* CROSSFACE NAMED IN HONOUR OF THE GREAT "JUDO" GENE LEBELL AND PLEASE CONSULT PG. 200 OF "BEST JUDO" BY INOKUMA AND SATO FOR MORE ON THIS *WAZA* AND ALSO READ THIS THING ABOUT GENE LEBELL FINDING OUT ABOUT D-BRYAN NAMING THE MOVE AFTER HIM HERE -- <a href="http://open.salon.com/blog/bob_calhoun/2010/08/26/daniel_bryan_and_the_lebell_lock">http://open.salon.com/blog/bob_calhoun/2010/08/26/daniel_bryan_and_the_lebell_lock</a> -- BUT NOT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE HERE IS WHAT JUST HAPPENED IT WAS AWESOME: so OK D-Bryan had the LeBell lock secured but Mark Henry broke it up and then the Big Show hit Henry with a KO punch but Bryan broke up the pin and then Bryan took off for the top of the cage with the Big Show hot on his heels and he was CAUGHT but then he just fuckin DANGLED FROM BIG SHOW'S ARM FROM THE TOP OF THE CAGE AND JUMPED DOWN TO RETAIN HIS TITLE LOOK:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">WHICH IS TO SAY:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">D. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Bryan.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Next up we get a many minute look at John Cena and how he is awesome and you know what he *is* and I am not afraid to say that even though we are on the internet. This is all of course to build towards his Wrestlemania match with the Rock which I will watch the hell out of. And now it is time for an all-of-the-ladies match as the Bella Twins and Natalya Neidhart and "The Glamazon" Beth Phoenix who are fantastically colour-coordinated take on Kelly "Kelly" Kelly and Eve Torres and Alicia Fox and Tamina and she's a Snuka right? Anyway this match is for the most part not that great and the crowd is unbelievably flat for this which brings to mind this: this is not to disparage the ladies who are in fact very good at wrestling but the reason they always run a bunch of technically *sexay ladays* out there who cannot in fact wrestle and do moves like Eve's "Booty Pop" and the like is just to totally pander to the audience and provide at long last a little something for the fellas right? But almost nobody *ever* reacts to anything that happens in any of these matches so what is the point? Like if this lowest common denominator stuff is not in fact appealing to the lowest common denominator then to whom or what is it appealing? I mean hey I like it when Beth Pheonix comes in and ruins people as much as they next guy and I am not wishing or even willing to part with that but there is a lot of carrying on and nonsense that doesn't seem to be of interest to anyone in the building so why bother? Fitness blogs at the Perez Hilton internet website are I guess of considerable promotional value. Anyway yeah Kelly Kelly flies off the top to the outside into a pile of like seven other ladies but the real high point of the contest is unsurprisingly the finish in which Women's Champion Beth Pheonix hits the "Glam Slam" for the win but again the real value of this match is the questions it forces us to ask of each other and also ourselves.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">lol they've got "Long Island Iced Z" Zack Ryder in a wheelchair and some kind of wacky brace coming off his very serious injuries at the hands of Kane and he is all bitter and angry when he says "woo woo woo you *know* it" on the topic of how John Laurinaitis has been a butt towards him. Here now is John Cena whose time is now and who is set to take on *BWOOOOOOF* KANE who I just mentioned a moment ago and wow this one *really* drags. I like Cena and I have no real problem with Kane however I wonder if watching all of these Royal Rumbles in a row have sort of unduly inflated my estimation of Kane because in the context of the Royal Rumble match proper Kane seems pretty much the raddest whereas in lengthy one-on-one contests that isn't really the case necessarily is it. The crowd is enjoying going LET'S GO CENA/CENA SUCKS and going BOOO YAAAAY! BOOOO YAAAAY! as these two pretend warriors trade blows in the centre of the ring but idk man this isn't much of a match in some ways including the way of my enjoyment. I would like to single out for praise the top-rope YOU CAN'T SEE ME/"Five-Knuckle Shuffle" which is not something I had seen before but I would also like to point to the double countout finish and lengthy backstage brawl and post-match Zack Ryder "tombstone" piledriving as having not been worth the time man because time is the one thing we can never have back. I like when Kane leaves the ring after laying everybody out by doing that cool backwards roll out over the top but I wish it had happened about twenty minutes sooner forgive me Kane and John Cena and Zack Ryder and everybody.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In a match that only takes a minute or two "Funkasaurus" Brodus Clay does away with Drew McIntyre and I like Clay and his funk-based offense and ring entrance as much as anybody but I'm pretty surprised this even happens here. Booker T keeps saying "Shucky Ducky." Also in a thirty-second spot that looks like parody we've got Rey Mysterio and the Big Show and I guess that's Eve explaining that Slim Jims are one of the most requested snacks by (y)Our Servicemen and Women and so for every two Slim Jims sold they will give one to a soldier which is weird because I thought the makers of Slim Jims thought the troops were fascist thugs is that not accurate?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We get a video package recapping the several ways in which Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim Raw General Manager John Laurinaitis has made life difficult for CM PUNK of late and there are several things that are excellent here including vintage Johnny Ace footage and also lots of cool clips of Dolph Ziggler doing things. As you well know Laurinaitis is to serve as the special guest referee however he is recusing himself from this somewhat as he has decided to oversee the officiating from outside the ring and one wonders if this is because he has been informed that his performance is about to be reviewed by Triple H on Monday Night Raw? Tonight's challenger for CM Punk's WWE Championship is of course the already awesome and potentially *historically* awesome Dolph Ziggler and I am excited to see this one! Punk comes out to a strong "CM PUNK" chant and he yells that it is "clobberin' time" whilst attired in a Madballs hoodie lol seriously that is what he was wearing over his "Best in the World" ringer t-shirt which is one of the all-time great wrestling t-shirts which is not to damn it with faint praise. lol Michael Cole reminds us that the WWE Championship has been in existence for over fifty years and Jerry Lawler is like "yeah so has Vickie Guerrero" which is a *great* line. Actually the other Jerry Lawler thing I wanted to mention tonight was that whilst the announcers were discussing how low it is that my man D-Bryan would not reciprocate when his ladyfriend AJ said that she loved him Lawler was all sensitive and stuff and explained how important it is to say stuff like that to ladies which idk I lol'd because of course as you know: </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCddBMaNKQA#t=14m50s">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCddBMaNKQA#t=14m50s</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">AND WE ARE UNDERWAY IN THIS CHAMPIONSHIP BOUT! I admire both of these pretend fighters greatly and am ready to enjoy their match! After some early rope running and the like Dolph Ziggler congratulates himself on his speedy excellence by strutting a little bit which is true to his well-earned "show off" reputation but soon thereafter he only narrowly avoids the "Anaconda Vise" which is fundamentally an *ude garami* from a *kesa gatame* and there goes CM Punk flying out through the ropes! Ziggler trips him off the top turnbuckle moments later and Punk falls awkwardly. Ziggler looks to capitalize with a swinging neckbreaker and like a million elbow drops! This is really good so far. It's crazy to me that Punk wrestles with that lip ring in because we always make people take all piercings out at our *dojo* lest they get kind of fucked up by them but then again we are wearing great big jammy-jams on which piercings can be caught and also we are at times *shooting* which changes the equation one supposes OH SHIT SLEEPER HOLD ESCAPED INTO AN ANACONDA VISE ATTEMPT COUNTERED INTO A SLEEPER man this is exactly what I want to see. And perhaps you recall that I don't much like dropkicks well it turns out I like them when Dolph Ziggler does them so it is a context thing OH SHIT THIS TIME A ZIGGLER "ROCKER DROPPER" HAS BEEN COUNTERED INTO A SIT-OUT POWER BOMB FOR TWOOOOO yeah this is the wrestling match for me! Punk hits his his running high knee and a running bulldog out of the corner which is a preferred *renraku waza* or "combination technique" of his isn't it. He pantomimes a SLEEPY SLEEPY motion but Ziggler escapes the fireman's carry and catapults Punk into the corner HOWEVER Punk comes out of the corner with a cross body BUT Ziggler rolls through with "a handful of tights" for two! Punk kicks *the shit* out of Ziggler's head for another two! The St. Louis crowd rightly chants CM PUNK CM PUNK CM PUNK and he takes to the top rope and drops an elbow for two more and chants of RANDY SAVAGE RANDY SAVAGE RANDY SAVAGE take shape and of course Randy Savage played in the St. Louis Cardinals minor league system and the people of St. Louis should be proud of that! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Punk puts Ziggler on his shoulders for another GO TO SLEEP attempt but Ziggler shrugs him of and fires him into the corner which results in a "ref bump" and after a slick arm drag Punk sinks in the Anaconda Vise like he was fuckin Hiroyoshi Tenzan man yeah that's right I know who that is don't act like I do not own multiple versions of Fire Pro and Ziggler is understandably tapping and there is no shame in that but Laurinaitis is willfully oblivious to this as he attends to the fallen referee on the outside. A GO TO SLEEP connects but Laurinaitis was felled by Ziggler's legs as the maneuver was applied and again he chooses to see only what he wishes to see which is of course an affliction from which many of us suffer in our way. FUCK YEAH ZIGGLER COUNTERS A GTS ATTEMPT INTO A ROCKER DROPPER THAT WAS *AWESOME* AND YET IT WAS BUT TWOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Ziggler stomps the champion down viciously and then rains down further blows upon him as the referee implores the challenger to open his fists a command to which he reluctantly complies and IT IS *ANOTHER* GTS FTW and Laurinaitis gets in on the three count once it becomes clear that it could not reasonably be halted and your winner and still WWE Champion is the great CM PUNK and you know who else is great it is the challenger DOLPH ZIGGLER and this match was *excellent* and in fact much much better upon a second viewing which is what this is for me right now and so if you watched it once and were like "man that was pretty good" then you should watch it again because you will soon thereafter be like "man that was actually REALLY good" imo.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Wait there are going to be WWE youtube channels? I see that one of them will be called Santino's Foreign Exchange so regardless of anything else having to do with anything else I wholeheartedly support this idea.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ALRIGHT HERE WE GO IN THIS THE TWENTY-FIFTH ANNIVERSARY ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH CAN YOU BELIEVE IT WHERE HAS MY LIFE GONE and the first two competitors to be joined every ninety seconds thereafter by their wrestling fellows are THE MIZ who walks out through these truly spectacular giant puffy letters that spell AWESOME both literally and figuratively and then gets on the microphone for a couple minutes in a way that actually is not all that awesome and he has a pretty weird upper lip area when you really look at it and ALEX RILEY who used to be pretty serious bros with The Miz not that long ago. Alex Riley doesn't seem bad or anything he's just kind of bland and oh hey there he goes out over the top as The Miz pulls the Jim-Duggan-on-the-One-Man-Gang maneuver and now it is *another* of The Miz's former bros R-Truth and I am firmly of the opinion that R-Truth is terrific and wtf was that it's like he fucked up a vertical suplex a little bit and switched it into a power slam? Maybe it was the Miz who read it wrong or something idk. Cody Rhodes who is also terrific is in at number four and he delivers his "beautiful disaster" kick off the ropes which is the exact same thing as "John Morrison's" kick off the ropes but regrettably he is not around these days so fair game I guess! Justin Gabriel is a high flier of the highest calibre and so he enters the ring via the top turnbuckle and is all about taking out more than one dude at once with a cross body and he hits some other things too like a sit-out powerbomb and a fine *osoto gari* or "major outer reap" or "outside trip" if you prefer. Now we have Primo who you might well recall as one half of your Tag Team Champions Epico and Primo and he does a cool handstand in the corner and transitions into a headscissors on Justin Gabriel OH NO R-TRUTH IS OUT however in anger he has dragged The Miz out under the bottom rope and delivers a technique with which I am not particularly familiar but it drives The Miz's face into the floor so it's probably a good one to do.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">MICK FOLEY is in at number six and he is looking Cactus Jackish here man so maybe he will be particularly "hardcore" or maybe this is just how he attires himself these days generally and the St. Louis crowd is very much into this and I am with them! FOLEY FOLEY FOLEY is their chant as Primo goes way up and way over and now Foley is like BANG BANG before he hits his running knee to the corner on Cody Rhodes and also the double-arm DDT. lololol OK Alberto Del Rio's music starts up and it is like isn't he "out of action" right now and yes indeed he is and so this is not Del Rio but his ring announcer Ricardo Rodriguez who enters the arena in a 1985 Datsun 280Z that has plainly seen better days but on which I would make a serious offer if it had been stickered within even the last six months or so. Ricardo goes to *town* on Cody Rhodes and then Foley and Ricardo eliminate Gabriel and Ricardo is like AIRPLANE RUN AROUND THE RING YEEEAAAHH. The incomparable SANTINO is in next and lol the COBRA is ready to strike immediately however Santino's best offensive maneuvers in his brief encounter with Ricardo prove to be a "square wheel" warm-up drill into the corner and a wedgie to setup the toss to the outside. Rhodes is still out of it in the corner as lolololololol Foley and Santino square off with Socko and the Cobra and did anybody see Foley on 30 Rock last week or hey did anybody happen to see Santino's sick *uchi mata* judo throw to open his match against Primo and Epico on Smackdown(!) Friday night? Here it is actually: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bril9FaopQ0#t=1m45s">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bril9FaopQ0#t=1m45s</a> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway Epico is in and out and we are quickly back to Foley and Santino except we are *not* because Rhodes and the Miz are all of a sudden back in the picture and they eliminate both of our heroes in short order thus ending I guess the comedy portion of the evening but that was all really good! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kofi Kingston comes in and flies around on dudes and then is like BOOM BOOM *drop* BOOOOOM and this is absolutely flying if we are up to number twelve and not for the first time Jerry "The King" Lawler leaves his spot at the announce table and hits the ring. He is visibly in no worse shape than he was in like 1997 but he is not long for this match as Cody Rhodes gets a hold of him and that's that but the crowd was pretty into it for the minute or so he was in there. Next is Ezekiel Jackson who is enormous and slams people and Booker T calls him BIG ZEKE which is a cool thing to call him imo. Number fourteen is Jinder Mahal and he is decked out very much like Great Tiger from Mike Tyson's Punch Out!! and in the past Royal Rumble competitors have on occasion set aside their differences temporarily in order to deal with brown-skinned people as a unit so we'll just have to wait and see if that happens here. It does not in fact as next in is the Great Khali and he takes care of Mahal with whom we are told he has a history and also BIG ZEKE is gone and as you are perhaps aware I am a strong proponent of at least one gigantic dude per Royal Rumble who comes in and dominates the match for a while and then it is a huge deal when he is eliminated and I am happy for Khali to perform that role even if he is arguably the worst "big man" since Giant Gonzalez and actually you know what he is probably worse. Hunico is next and I like his bike! And then it is BOOKER T from the announce table to the ring and the best part of this is that he stands up to take off his jacket and unbutton his shirt and it appears though he has been sitting behind the announce table without pants all night as all we see are trunks lol.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK so in the "spot" of the night Cody Rhodes has Kofi Kingston on the apron outside and then Kingston falls off but it is his *hands* that touch and as you know the duly promulgated rules and regulations pertaining to Royal Rumble eliminations clearly state that a competitor is eliminated when and only when *both feet* hit the ground and Kofi has taken that to heart and so just totally walks on his hands over the ring steps and reenters the match like none of this was even a big deal. It was AWESOME and surely it has been made into an animated gif by now let me look. Well OK no not that I have seen but video is almost as good right:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZFKrjTPxNo">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZFKrjTPxNo</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Note Hunico's bike in the above as well. A disappointed DOLPH ZIGGLER is in next despite seeing action earlier in the evening and we are up to number eighteen which is crazy. Booker nearly eliminated Hunico right on top of his bike which as I may have mentioned is a cool bike but Hunico tucked back in under the bottom rope AND NOW IT IS HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN WHO HAS BEEN THUGGIN' and the good people of St. Louis are into it as well they should be because I mean what better nostalgia dude to dig up again for this the twenty-fifth anniversary of the Royal Rumble than he who was the match's first champion lol Rhodes just put him out and gives a little mock "USA USA" and that was all great. Rhodes puts Booker and Khali out in a heap next so he is on an anti-old guy roll here but it would have been better had the non-old guy in this equation that is to say Khali been treated as a bigger deal but whatever really. In next is Michael Cole from the announce table which honestly I am not that into as a thing despite his singlet and headgear however I *do* enjoy the guy seated in the first row behind him being all I CAN'T BELIEVE IT MICHAEL COLE? You can see him here:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GX8czEG320E">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GX8czEG320E</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You will see in the above clip an enormous lady called Kharma enter at number twenty-one and Booker T is like I HOPE SHE EATS MICHAEL COLE LIKE A PIECE OF CHICKEN GO AFTER HIM LIKE A CHICKEN BONE and that is uncomfortable. You will also see my main man Ziggler be like WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE GET OUT and then he takes her utterly ludicrous double-underhook finishing maneuver and I don't know anything about Kharma at all but if she does that moves to ladies then that seems insane to me. Anyway yeah Kharma tosses a diving Hunico over the top but Ziggler sneaks up from behind and hoists her out and lol that looked legitimately tough for Ziggler to get her up and I get it man she is a monster. That was all OK I guess but idk about Michael Cole in there which was arguably taking the "announcers-in-the-Rumble" gag a little too far but I am not going to bother minding it. Sheamus is in next and he has a pretty good run in which he tosses Kofi Kingston and then wails on first Cody Rhodes and then The Miz with forearms to the chest and OH YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT IS A BADLY SWOLLEN ROOOOOOAD DOGG IN AT TWENTY-THREE and look the crowd is absolutely loving this and who am I but I cannot help but think the Road Dogg is only here to punish me for arguably watching an allegedly only semi-legal stream of this event. He does all of his things and the crowd chants YOU'VE STILL GOT IT and I suppose yeah whatever it is that he had he probably still does but it is just not for me man and that's OK. Jey Uso aka SON OF FATU is in next and I have only seen the Usos on Smackdown one time but they seemed good!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am very into Jack Swagger is the twenty-fifth entrant in this your twenty-fifth Royal Rumble and he is actually *very* tall like way taller than you probably even think. Wade Barrett and his sharp olive trunks are in next and OH NO ROAD DOGG HAS BEEN ELIMINATED HE CAN NOT ENDURE THE BARRETT BARRAGE alas and alack and fuk u Road Dogg. I am honestly a little disappointed to see David Otunga enter at number twenty-seven and not because I have anything against David Otunga but it's just like he is not exactly a top-notch dude at this stage in his career and it is getting down to "crunch" time here folks and I want to see enormously menacing threats come out this late in the game and yeah here you go here is Randy Orton for example and lol right yeah he is mad at Wade Barrett for hurling him down a flight of stairs. DOUBLE SUSPENSION DDT on Rhodes and Ziggler and that was as cool as you would expect. NO JEY USO NO Orton got him and then it is an RKO for Barrett and he's gone too and yeah the people of St. Louis are enjoying seeing their dude do stuff here.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">THE LIGHTS GO OUT AND A JACKET LIGHTS UP AND IT CAN ONLY BE ONE MAN AND THAT IS CHRIS JERICHO SAVE_US.Y2J OH WAIT THAT WAS LAST TIME and yeah Orton and Jericho those are the kinds of people I want out at this point not like David Otunga although again I feel like I am picking on David Otunga when I say that and I think he is actually good so I am conflicted. Our thirtieth and final entrant is the Big Show and he hits the just-then-eliminated Jack Swagger with a siiiiiiiick right hand and then pushes both Rhodes and the Miz out over the top from a "goozle" grip and yeah there goes Dolph Ziggler too. So then our FINAL FOUR consists of Sheamus, Orton, Jericho and Big Show and all of those guys entered at number twenty-two or later which I think is probably the latest for a final four but I am not going to look that up. The hope here of course is for a temporary Jerishow reunion until Sheamus and Orton are gone and then Jericho pulls it out through guile and duplicity and will COME ON BABAAAAAAAY his way to Wrestlemania but no such alliance seems in the offing unfortunately. RKO BIG SHOW and Orton and Sheamus go after Big Show HOWEVER the Big Show shrugs Sheamus off like he is nothing BUT THEN Orton puts him right up and over AND YET it is at this very moment that Jericho tips Orton out from behind and so it is Jericho and Sheamus left! Neither of these dudes have won a Royal Rumble! It occurred to me the other day that Jericho has never won one while I was trying to make it through "Lucha Libre" Audience Mode in Fire Pro A with him which is fuckin *tough* man those fans are *picky* and now here he stands on the very brink of it! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Both Jericho and Sheamus are awesome of course so this is interesting! Sheamus yells "COME ON FELLA" which is how most fights start where I am from too. Missile dropkick from Chris Jericho! The crowd seemed very into it a moment ago when Sheamus almost put Jericho out over the corner but now there is a pretty good Y2J chant going so I don't know where the crowd's sympathies lay exactly. The "Irish Curse Backbreaker" is a tremendous move and here comes a "Celtic Cross" but NO CLOTHESLINE and man between that and the Jericho jumpkick out of the corner it is NUTS that Sheamus is still on the apron because those both would have been *totally* acceptable ways to end a Royal Rumble. Sheamus misses a "Brogue Kick" and Jericho puts him in the famed "Walls of Jericho" but as Jerry "The King" Lawler notes early on there is no point to this technique here. BACKDROP SHEAMUS AND JERICHO IS alright he is still on the apron. He climbs to the top turnbuckle from the outside which is a risky maneuver man and now both guys fall from the top and land on the apron and OK both have rolled back in so we are CODEBREAKER CODEBREAKER CODEBREAKER which is a good move and an even better name and lol Jericho goes for the cover. Jericho has Sheamus up and all tippy along the ropes and then he starts slapping him in the fuckin face and that seems to have stirred up Sheamus' famous Irish temper because he looks *pissed* and as they come away from the ropes Jericho attempts a second CODEBREAKER but Sheamus just like catches him and hoists him up there and puts him over the top where Jericho dangles for a bit before regaining his feet on the apron only to be BROGUE KICKED OFF IN A VERY COOL FINISH AND SHEAMUS IS THE WINNER OF THIS THE 25TH ANNUAL ROYAL RUMBLE AND ONE CAN ONLY IMAGINE HE WILL CHALLENGE DANIEL BRYAN FOR THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE AT WRESTLEMANIA ONLY ONE YEAR AFTER I TUNED INTO WRESTLEMANIA AND WATCHED THE WHOLE FUCKIN THING ONLY TO FIND OUT AFTERWARDS THAT THE SHEAMUS V. D-BRYAN MATCH THAT I TOTALLY WANTED TO SEE BECAUSE THOSE ARE AWESOME GUYS HAD BEEN SCRAPPED WHICH WAS BULLSHIT BUT NOW THINGS ARE OTHERWISE AREN'T THEY YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH also I'm a little disappointed Jericho didn't win it frankly. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I mean hey this Royal Rumble is taking something of a beating on the internet which I grant you is where we are currently but look the Heavyweight Championship Match was cool and the WWE Championship match was A Very Good Match Indeed and the Royal Rumble proper was not one for the ages I grant you but the Foley v. Santino stuff and also Ricardo were *shoot* charming and there was Kofi Kingston's FUK U JOHN MORRISON moment and I was totally totally totally into the Jericho v. Sheamus stuff at the end in like a full-on PLEASE LET THIS GUY WIN COME ON HIT MORE CODEBREAKERS QUICK way so while I certainly acknowledge this show's imperfections I am personally hard-pressed to come down on this one and maybe the problem for those who did not enjoy the show very much is that they did not watch it whilst chatting with awesome enough bros?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ANYWAY SEE YOU ALL NEXT YEAR AND LITERALLY EVERY OTHER YEAR AFTER THAT EVER FOR MORE ROYAL RUMBLES AND UNTIL THEN DO OTHER THINGS I GUESS AND KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU </span><br />
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<br /></div>ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-11741196258908069442012-01-31T11:19:00.000-08:002012-01-31T11:19:58.820-08:002011 ROYAL RUMBLE<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">WELL HOLY SHIT IT IS THE 2011 ROYAL RUMBLE WHICH IS TO SAY THE MOST RECENT ONE AT THE TIME OF THIS WRITING which suggests that we are in fact going to make it through all twenty-four of these before the completely made up yet utterly real deadline of the twenty-fifth annual Royal Rumble which as you know occurs the evening of this the 29 January 2012 a date which I have had circled on my brain calendar for weeks. We are at the Garden in Boston and for the first time there will be the strange total of forty dudes yes FORTY in the Royal Rumble match itself tonight however first there are a number of championship matches to be wrestled and decided and loved. First off we have the World Heavyweight Champion defending that title against the already very good and potentially great Dolph Ziggler who is in cahoots with Smackdown(!) General Manager and Edge's ex-wife Vickie Guerrero who has deemed THE SPEAR to be excessively dangerous and thus illegal in tonight's contest. Should our champion employ his *tokui waza* he will not only be disqualified but he will also loose his title which is not often the case for disqualifications in championship bouts!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dolph Ziggler is pretty much the best and Edge has proven himself first through the Tables, Ladders and Chairs matches that made his reputation and later by getting Matt Hardy fired and pretending to fuck his girlfriend on cable and in recognition of those achievements he will be inducted into the World Wrestling Entertainment Hall of Fame in a ceremony to be held before Wrestlemania XXVIII; that is the calibre of athletes we are dealing with in this our opening contest. Ziggler is totally among the best pure pretend fighters in the world today to the extent that he is in fact a genuinely awesome athlete and he uses that athleticism mostly to make everything his opponents do look like pure unmitigated death while his offense consists of like neckbreakers and the sleeper hold. This match is great btw. NEEEEEAAAAAAAR FALL as Edge came off the top rope with a cross body block but Ziggler rolled through and it was close and their is a faint but real "let's go Ziggler chant" that starts up and quickly dies but my point is that it *started up.* Oh hey I had totally forgotten about Edge's not-quite-a-sharpshooter submission hold but Edge himself had not and Ziggler was lucky to make the ropes! Ziggler is having no luck with his "rocker dropper"s here if that is still what we call that move because the first time he tried it he was countered into a "sit-out powerbomb" and the second time he actually applied the technique properly but Edge kicked out at two! Also Edge *totally* wants to do the spear but cannot! ZIGGLER WITH THE SLEEPER but no it is escaped and countered into a DDT and a potential fall is disrupted by Vickie Guerrero and she is like slapping the shit out of Edge actually but then Kelly "Kelly" Kelly comes out and deals with her as ZIGGLER WITH THE ZIG ZAG FROM BEHIND but it is only for two and lol Ziggler has the best near-fall tantrums "in the business." And again with the sleeper! Hooks in! But the referee is "bumped" and Edge hits a "jaw jacker" of sorts to escape the hold and with the referee down and Guerrero down on the outside Edge hits THE SPEAR and from there lol it is the KILLSWITCH WHAT IS UP CHRISTIAN for three in the middle of the ring and Edge retains his title in a GREAT MATCH like a legitimately GREAT MATCH that you should totally see. Edge makes an awesome "idk man" face at the referee who is trying to figure out how Ziggler could be like *so* fucking out of it right now and yeah for me this is one of the best matches in any of these now very many Royal Rumbles we have enjoyed together and I hope you like it too.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Next up it looks we have Randy Orton challenging The Miz for the WWE Championship and it looks like Miz won the title by "cashing in" his Money in the Bank title shot at an opportune moment which aaaaaaaahahahahahaa look at this little girl man she fuckin *hated it* when that happened:</span><br />
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<a href="http://i19.photobucket.com/albums/b187/4754/mizbeatsortonlittlegirl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="196" src="http://i19.photobucket.com/albums/b187/4754/mizbeatsortonlittlegirl.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don't think the Miz would ever be anybody's favourite dude or anything but he's totally OK and I like that he goes I'M THE MIZ AND I'M AWESOME and then everybody is like BOOOOOO THAT IS AT BEST A HALF TRUTH BOOOOOOOOOOO. Orton is of course out first in keeping with the best traditions of this our pretend sport and forgive me for I know that I have said this to you before but the "I HEAR VOICES" song is nowhere near as good as "HEY NOTHING YOU CAN SAY" but that is a point so obvious that there is no need to belabour it. I should mention that Orton is accompanied to the ring by his bro Alex Riley who might well factor into this contest at some point or another. A couple minutes into this totally OK but not yet awesome match Michael Cole is like hey let's not forget that this isn't a bar room brawl or a match in your apartment Matt Striker this is the WWE and Jerry Lawler is like lol are we talking about apartment wrestling now and Striker goes lol I used to read about that in the back of the magazines and that takes me back man and let me tell you that was weird shit to find in something that was stocked right next to the comic books at the grocery store. I was confused then but I think I have it all pretty much figured out now. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A HUGE BOOT from the Miz earns him but a count of two and he heads to the top rope however he is "crotched" and superplexed and it's kind of cool how Orton has one leg on the middle rope and one on the top when he does that. lol the WHAT A MANEUVER sign that one of the dudes at ringside has brought makes its first appearance of the evening or at least the first one that I've noticed. The Miz dumps Orton over the top rope to the outside and takes control for a while and the referee is doing a really cool job of checking Miz's reverse chinlock and when it turns into a choke he is like BREAK THE HOLD BREAK THE HOLD and then Orton goes back to the chinlock and it is a little thing but it is a good thing. This is the first Royal Rumble where Michael Cole is being a "heel" commentator and it doesn't take long to get pretty tiresome which is too bad because he's totally good when he's just doing straight-ahead play-by-play. The Miz catapults Orton into the ring post on the outside but when things move back inside it is "The Viper" a nickname that I don't think is cool takes control until Alex Riley distracts him and then the Miz does this like cool neckbreaker combo for twoooooo and now it looks like it is time to "tease" finishers because it is like RKO NO "SKULL-CRUSHING FINALE" NO IT IS NOTHING and now the Miz has grabbed his championship belt and tries to make a break for it however he is met with a boss Orton clothesline that prevents this. Ah so that cool DDT Orton does off the ropes is called a "suspension DDT" which is a really cool and accurate name HOWEVER soon after he hits it the New Nexus appears at ringside and while the referee is out to deal with them Alex Riley sneaks in HOWEVER HOWEVER Orton grabs him and fuckin *hurls* him over the top and onto those dudes HOWEVER HOWEVER HOWEVER CM PUNK IS IN THE RING AND IT IS THE "GTS" AND ORTON IS OUT "LIKE A LIGHT" AND THE MIZ HAS SOMEHOW RETAINED HIS TITLE and that was a really cool finish! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Just before Natalya Neidhart is set to defend her Women's Championship against both Michelle McCool and Layla in a handicap match for some reason Michael Cole receives an email from The Anonymous Raw General Manger that changes this contest to a FATAL FOUR-WAY including Eve and lol there is a dude at ringside dressed as a clown. AAAAHAHAHAHA YEAH DOUBLE SHARPSHOOTER as Natalya put both Even and Michelle in that celebrated technique at the same time which was *great.* Eve hit a pretty cool moonsault to win the match while Michelle McCool had Natalya pinned in the other corner but hey the referee can only count one pin at a time let's be reasonable here Michelle McCool. This wasn't bad but isn't it weird how Matt Striker actually refers to people's "move sets" as though they were CAWs or something? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Backstage my man D-Bryan is snuggling up to Gail Kim who is from Toronto and D-Bryan is wearing his cool shirt that goes DANIEL *wrestling ring* BRYAN which is a good one however not as good as the one that goes EVERYBODY TAPS *taped up wrists w/ hands in an s-grip* SOONER OR LATER which is the one I ordered on the internet fittingly enough and I think it would be even better if it was like EVERYBODY TAP'E'S SOONER OR LATER because man let me tell you that that is most definitely the truth. I suppose I could modify mine?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK IT IS ROYAL RUMBLE TIME WITH FORTY GUYS FOR SOME REASON AND HERE COMES CM PUNK AT NUMBER ONE and while "Cult of Personality" is the better song *qua* song it is not the better wrestling entrance theme *qua* wrestling entrance theme in comparison to that Killswitch Engage song that he used to have which was thrilling. OK so there is a new group called "The Core" in addition to CM Punk's "New Nexus" and I wasn't watching at this time so I don't really know what's going on except that OK all of those guys are out there which means like a dozen guys? WWE Officials are doing what they can to contain this fracas but one wonders if order can be restored but an email from The Anonymous Raw General Manager quickly arrives and orders everyone but CM Punk to the back lest they find themselves disqualified from the Royal Rumble and as you know the only person to ever be so DQ'd from a Royal Rumble match was Fit Finlay a couple of years ago. HEEEEEY IT IS DANIEL BRYAN IN HIS ROYAL RUMBLE DEBUT AT NUMBER TWO and the internet comes all over itself! lol just kidding internet no diss you know I love you and also these two guys are the best guys so let's see how this first ninety seconds goes as yeah actually Matt Striker is like "man the internet must be loving this" and there is an awesome DANIEL BRYAN/CM PUNK chants going and this is really good just as we had hoped it would be. I have seen Daniel Bryan wrestle live twice, once in Oshawa at an enormous indie show that I have told you about before and he was awesome in an old fashioned way where he addressed a heckler with a simple I WILL FIGHT YOU RIGHT NOW and once at the historic Halifax Forum where Leo Burke once wrestled National Wrestling Alliance Champion Harley Race to a sixty-minute draw and Bryan made the most out of his opening match against a pre-Funkasaurus Brodus Clay and it looked like this for a minute:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CLvoTZ_57g">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CLvoTZ_57g</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway these are my favourite guys right now and if you would like to know who my other favourite guys are they are Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler! But I think a lot of other guys are good too! The awesome ninety-second match with all kinds of cool things in it that Punk and Bryan are putting together here is rudely interrupted by Justin Gabriel of The Core and after Bryan and Punk run into each other and are both down Gabriel gives this "well why the shit not?" look to the crowd as he "goes up top" for a four-fifty splash but Punk moves out of the way and Byran backdrops him up and over and out and FINALLY we are back to Punk vs. D-Bryan which is what we are all here for. In next is lol yeeeeahhh Zack Ryder who is all WOO WOO WOO YOU KNOW IT which I enjoy. Every time he enters the ring with that white Flip camera I think about how odd it is that Flip isn't making those anymore. Bryan tosses Ryder out pretty much right away and a guy in the front row has a sign that says "<-- JOBBER EXIT THIS WAY" and that's a little too self-satisfied for my taste and WHAT A MANEUVER definitely remains the sign of the night/century. HEY COOL IT IS FLOPPY HAIRED WILLIAM REGAL and he is hitting dudes hard and suplexing them in the way that his made him the absolute ideal dude among a certain subset of people on the internet. Bryan and Regal trade "European" uppercuts and then Punk gets a nice kick to the head in and this is so much up my alley right now with these dudes that I almost feel as though I am being pandered to but I am not saying that in a way where I am complaining because this owns. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ted DiBiase Jr. is in now and he's alright *I guess* but I was disappointed to hear that Cody Rhodes would not be joining us tonight because his face was recently ruined by an errant 619 although that does lead to like a year of Rhodes with that gear on his face which is cool and lemons/lemonade I guess. Daniel Bryan is kicking Regal really hard as here comes John Morrison and hey this is totally the year that John Morrison does that amazing parkour thing isn't it and lol yeah even before I finish the sentence Regal knocks him off the apron and he jumps to the barrier and clings to it and then climbs up it and jumps to the steps and kicks the very very recently eliminated Regal in the head before reentering the match and let me just grab this one for you if you haven't seen it before because it is definitely one of the best near-eliminations in any of these: </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There you go friends ENJOY. Here comes YOSHI TATSU THE POISON FIST OF THE PACIFIC RIM and he has quite a look with that hair. Young Husky Harris is a member of the Nexus and he is your tenth entrant in this Royal Rumble and lol he has a build out of another era doesn't he and he is there to protect his mainest man CM Punk. I don't know if they are "trimming" time here right now but it seems as though *oooooooooo CHAVO* is in only seconds later and as soon as he gets there he does Eddie Guerrero's repeating suplex bit on like four guys and then does the little Eddie shimmy and the crowd is pretty into it by the end of the like dozen suplexes or whatever it was. MARK HENRY YUSSSSSSS I hope he eliminates literally everyone in seconds SECONDS. There goes Chavo and let me tell you if I was Yoshi Tatsu I would be nervous right now and lol yeah he's next alright. JTG is the next guy in and Lawler tries to speak like him for a minute in a way that suggests Lawler might be a racialist of some kind but idk. And they have *got* to be trimming time here as Mike McGuillicutty of the Nexus is in next and there goes JTG and yeah DiBiase goes out too as Harris and McGillicutty are working together as one might expect. A still huge but noticeably deflated Chris Masters is in next and he tries to "Masterlock" Punk up and over but he only succeeds in putting him on the apron which as you know is nowhere near sufficient in a contest of this nature. David Otunga is in making it four Nexus guys and so Daniel Bryan is out :( and also Masters and Morrison too as the Nexus is taking control of this 2011 Royal Rumble match and this can only serve to benefit their nefarious leader CM PUNK. I would like to see how these fellows fare against Mark Henry though! Oh OK they all just head right over and dump him out.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So this is a pretty cool way to do it actually as now you've got the four Nexus dudes in there by themselves so for a little while at least the match just becomes about whether or not the next guy in can last ninety seconds and Tyler Reks who I have absolutely never heard of ever is the first to try and to fail and I don't love Vladimir Kozlov's chances either despite his portrayal of a Russian shooter of some kind and yeah there he goes. It was a little bit like this last year when the three dudes of Legacy marauded around the ring for a while and then made up three of the match's final four I guess but at the same time this is pretty different. lol so I *have* seen this one before absolutely I have but I guess I had forgotten that CM PUNK hits his running knee in the corner on R-Truth and then goes WHAT'S UUUUUP. It is perhaps notable though that even with Obama in the White House black dudes cannot catch a break in Royal Rumble booking. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Great Khali is in at number nineteen and it would seem this is the end of that section of the match I have just described as he comes in and does away with Husky Harris and has everybody else on the run OR MAYBE NOT as Nexus-guy Mason Ryan is the next man to enter the ring and he eliminates the Great Khali! Jerry Lawler is like THIS IS NOT WHAT THE ROYAL RUMBLE IS ABOUT and here comes BOOKER T and WILL THIS SIX-TIME WORLD CHAMPION WHO ALMOST ALWAYS GETS HIS SHIT PUSHED IN THE ROYAL RUMBLE BE ABLE TO CHANGE THE DIRECTION OF THIS MATCH as Matt Striker refers to this as a "mark-out moment" and I am not comfortable with this kind of language in this context and he should never say anything like that ever again and Booker T is like A HOUSE ON FIRE until Mason Ryan tosses him too :( however as you know Booker T would go on to have some very good matches with Cody Rhodes in 2011 so good for him with his little comeback and why not enjoy Booker T every Friday night on Smackdown? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">JOHN CENA JOHN CENA JOHN CENA and the hometown guy clears the ring of all but Punk and maaaaaaan that Punk/Cena stuff this summer was something else was it not? Without it I probably would not have gotten as into any of this as much as I have in recent months and almost certainly would not have embarked upon this epic journey of watching things whilst saying other things. Hornswoggle is in next and Punk kicks him in the head and OH HEY Cena put Punk over with a fireman's carry or shoulder wheel or *kata guruma* and now Cena and Hornswoggle are taking a stand in the centre of the ring as Tyson Kidd comes out and is on the receiving end of some "midget" offense including a head scissors and a tiny little Attitude Adjustment and Cena tosses him out. Hornswoggle does the wrist-tape wristwatch thing and yeah OK why not. Heath Slater is the next guy in and Hornswoggle STUNNERs him and he and Cena deliver ten knuckles of shuffle and then there is some top rope midgetry and Cena tosses Slater out. Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston is in next and he and Cena are apparently bros yet it is an every-man-for-himself situation gentlemen let's do this. They do, after a fashion, and then YEAH JACK SWAGGER YEAH hits the ring and then does his turnbuckle splash thing a bunch of times. Sheamus comes in and wrecks dudes and I love the IRISH CURSE BACKBREACKER man I LOVE IT and Sheamus does not take kindly to Hornswoggle and so Brogue Kicks him off the top turnbuckle and out.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">lol BOOYAKA BOOYAKA it is the only place in the culture where we still hear the word BOOYAKA with regularity and that is the entrance theme of Rey Mysterio and OH NO JACK SWAGGER IS GONE after a 619 with Swagger on the apron. Here's Wade Barrett at number thirty and this forty-man business is no good man it is just disorienting frankly but I guess if they really wanted to this All the Dudes from Nexus vs. All the Dudes from the Core thing or whatever you need to find some room but I think the return to a thirty-man Royal Rumble WHICH OCCURS TONIGHT YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHH is a tacit admission that having forty guys out there was in the end just weird. DOLPH ZIGGLER is in and he is still "selling" the ribs from the spear he endured a couple hours ago. DIESEL is here ladies and gentlemen and he is definitely one of the best surprise entrants ever because they didn't even go Kevin Nash with it man they went full DIESEL with the black glove and EVERYTHING. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Drew McIntyre is someone I continue to not care about however he is in and he is teaming with his fellow Celt Sheamus to work over Nash and lol the LET'S GO DIESEL chant is the loudest of the night and Mysterio is *resoundingly* booed when he 619s "Big Daddy Cool" which might actually be the worst nickname ever. Alex Riley is in but my real concern is that Diesel is out as Wade Barrett puts him over the top and there is another tremendous DIESEL chant as he walks down the aisle and passes the Big Show who is next. The Miz has joined the announce table and he and Cole talk all over the match which I know is *supposed* to be annoying but I think it is also *shoot* annoying and there goes Ziggler over the top in fine style as the Big Show got a hold of him and then OK Drew McIntyre too. Ezekiel Jackson however comes in at thirty-six and topples the Big Show immediately. Is Jackson still around? I've watched both Raw and Smackdown on youtube for the last month or so and I don't remember seeing him but idk maybe. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With only four guys left to enter the match we're down to just Kingston, Barrett, Sheamus, Jackson, Mysterio and lol now SANTINO who one hopes and prays will COBRA the shit out of everybody as I learn that he is currently one half of the WWE Tag Team Champions but he is BROGUE KICKED and just rolls out under the bottom rope to the floor and because I have seen this one I am well aware that that is not the last we will be seeing of the great THE GREAT Santino Marella. At number thirty-eight we get Alberto Del Rio and breaking a dude's arm with a throw because you were an international-level Greco-Roman wrestler and getting your head kicked off by Mirko Cro Cop while wearing a lucha libre mask are the most legit credentials any professional wrestler could ever possess in my view and so combined with everything else Alberto Del Rio has going for him as a performer including a *sick* rolling juji-gatame finisher he is more or less ideal. His entrance of course takes a really long time because of his fancy car and so Randy Orton who is in next levels him from behind before hitting the ring and RKOing everybody and tossing both Kofi Kingston and Sheamus and squaring off with John Cena. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">*BWOOOOOOOOOOOF* IT IS KANE and he has of course been an absolute motherfucker of the highest calibre throughout his many years in the Royal Rumble and he starts off here by pulling down the top rope as Ezekiel Jackson flies out over it not unlike the way "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan did the same against the One Man Gang to claim the first Royal Rumble title OH HEY Rey Mysterio head scissors Kane out and then Barrett pushes Mysterio out and so our *apparent* final four consists of Barrett, Del Rio, Cena and Orton however that may not be the entire story! It really may not be! The crowd is a little flat here as Orton and Cena stare each other down which I don't really get because this has been a good Royal Rumble imo and shouldn't they be into their hometown fellow more than this? Yeah like Cena just hit an Attitude Adjustment on Del Rio and the crowd was like "whatevers" and HEY IT IS ALEX RILEY WHAT IS HE DOING HERE oh he is distracting John Cena while the Miz sneaks into the ring and tips Cena out from behind and John Cena is both very disappointed and way better at acting than most of these other guys. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Barrett and Del Rio team up on Orton and yeah the crowd is totally dead right now even as Orton sends Barrett out and Del Rio dumps Orton from behind and Ricardo grabs the house mic and is like DAMAS Y CABALLEROS which is awesome HOWEVER SANTINO WAS NEVER ELIMINATED AND HERE HE IS WITH THE FUCKIN COBRA READY TO GO AND HE HITS IT HE HITS THE COBRA AND DOES THE MARCHING BAND TROMBONE THING THAT WE ALL LOVE SO DEARLY but alas it is all for not as Del Rio guides Marella out over the top and to the floor Alberto Del Rio is your deserving winner of the 2011 Royal Rumble because he is *awesome.*</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">AND SO THAT IS IT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN DAMAS Y CABALLEROS we have made our way through all twenty-four Royal Rumbles and what have we learned? Well very little actually other than that the best one is probably 2002 followed by 1992 however despite the fact that those best two Rumbles are now well behind us the average overall level of awesomeness in the Royal Rumble has in my view been increasing fairly steadily since it totally bottomed out in the mid-1990s. The first Rumble is surprisingly great, the 1992 Rumble is one of the best professional wrestling matches, and 1994 had a cool finish I guess but the awesomeness or perhaps I should say the *kinds of awesomenesses* one most closely associates with the Royal Rumble really begin to take shape in 1997. Since then, the Royal Rumbles have been reliably watchable and often rad, sometimes exceedingly so, and I genuinely look forward to tonight's twenty-fifth anniversary edition with every expectation that it will be the wrestling match I most enjoy all year despite the pretty serious handicap of having neither of my current favourite guys in it probably but that is OK because they are both going to be defending world titles earlier in the show so I mean this is a shame-on-me situation if I get greedy about that right?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In summation ROYAL RUMBLES FOREVER PRETEND FIGHTING FOREVER I LOVE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW I HAVE ORDERED AN ACTION REPLAY MAX TO ENHANCE MY FIRE PRO EXPERIENCE AND I THINK I AM GOING TO WATCH THE CALAMARI WRESTLER AGAIN HERE ARE THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES OF IT ON YOUTUBE</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">IKA IKA IKA IKA IDA RESURAAAAAAAAA YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ROYAL RUMBLES</span><br />ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-70321793469035126602012-01-31T11:17:00.000-08:002012-01-31T11:17:53.996-08:002010 ROYAL RUMBLE<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BECAUSE I AM ONE OF THE BUSIEST AND MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE EVER I put the 2010 Royal Rumble undercard on while I was doing other equally necessary things like cleaning the bathroom and also the kitchen and honestly I think this was a good call for reasons other than just time management because while the matches were on the whole totally OK they were not that great and also the backstage bits were beyond horrible this year with the exception of the part where Chris Jericho can be overheard in conversation with the Big Show calling the Atlanta fans "gelatinous tapeworms" which is a pretty slick diss imo. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The show opened with Christian successfully defending his ECW Heavyweight Championship against Ezekiel Jackson who was accompanied to the ring by his mentor William Regal who was soon thereafter barred from ringside. Christian is at his best when he is bouncing all over the place for a dude with choice power moves and a genuine ability to clubber and Jackson it would seem has both and so this match was actually pretty cool and ended with a "Killswitch" which is an infinitely better name than the "Unprettier" for a "clean finish" in the middle of the squared circle however a quick trip to wikipedia to examine the history of the ECW "strap" after Matt Striker mentioned that the last time that title changed hands in Atlanta it went to Vince McMahon (lol EEE CEE DUB EEE CEE DUB) revealed that Christian would lose the title to Jackson only a month later at which point the whole thing got cancelled. HOWEVER they mentioned that Christian had been the champion for like six months heading into this match so without having seen a minute of it I would venture that it probably wasn't terrible television but again not a single minute.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then Theodore Long demanded an impromptu defense of The Miz's United States Heavyweight Championship against MVP whom the Miz had apparently been ducking of late and this one was fine and ended with an inside cradle out of *nowhere* and then the Miz verbally abused his foe until MVP was compelled to respond physically. The high point of this fine but not awesome match came when I was reminded of the very existence of the ballin' elbow drop of which you can see a tiny example here:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The women's title match was the culmination of an apparently longstanding "feud" in which champion Michelle McCool who is I believe southern and her pal Layla who might well be English taunted Mickie James for getting story line heavy and maybe irl heavy idk and called her "Piggy James" and I think I remember there being a lot of talk about this one because it was sort of a stupid idea. Maybe I heard about it on Meltzer's podcast or something. Anyway the match itself was nothing, a quick win for James and then all the various lady wrestlers got into the ring and smooshed cake all over the villains. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">S(h)eamus defended his WWE Championship in kind of a plodding match against Randy Orton and I really like both guys but this was not the best you will see from either of them. It's not that they were dogging it or anything; there just wasn't much that stood out at all here although the end was I guess a pretty big story line change for Randy Orton as in the end Cody Rhodes inadvertently got Orton disqualified despite having specifically been told not to be at ringside at all and while this was going on Orton had in fact just hit the RKO so the title might well have been his! This led to I guess the disintegration of "Legacy" before our very eyes ladies and gentlemen as Dibiase the Younger came out two and Orton beat them both down for a while until Sheamus had regained himself and then met Orton with a BROGUE KICK and let me tell you that when I was recently at a "house" show at the historic Halifax Forum where Leo Burke once wrestled National Wrestling Alliance Champion Harley Race to a sixty-minute draw the second coolest move of the night aside from Orton's RKO out of NOWHERE on Christian coming of the middle rope was totally Sheamus' Brogue Kick on Wade Barrett because it was sick as in siiiiiiiiiiiiiick bro.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The best of the undercard matches was probably Rey Mysterio challenging the Undertaker for the World Heavyweight Championship and it was very much as you'd expect in that it was Mysterio doing all kinds of cool stuff bouncing off of things and sometimes it would land and thus damage the Undertaker in a minimal kind of way and other times the Undertaker would catch him and ruin him. But I mean these two guys know what they are doing out there and so it all looked really good and the finish involved not one but two 619s ("That's like 12-2-18!" -- M. Striker) and a "West Coast Pop" countered into a "Last Ride" from about a mile up and the Undertaker's face was all busted up from something that went awry somewhere along the line and you can't complain about any of that. Yeah this was definitely the best of the night and while it would not be at all fair to say that it was the best of a bad lot or anything it's just that all of the matches were totally OK but nothing was in any way remarkable or anything to the extent where I would at all be like "hey watch this one" but at the same time there was no point during the undercard where you would at all be like "let's get this over with" except for I guess the Women's Championship match contested over body image issues or whatever.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK THEN ROYAL RUMBLE TIME and the last time we were in Atlanta for one of these it was 2002 was it not and arguably the best Royal Rumble match ever occurred and Triple H was like *RWWWWWAAAAAAAAAARRRRHHHHHHHRRRRRR* and he won! Once again let me say that I do not enjoy the Raw ring announcer who I believe is Justin Roberts. HEY ALRIGHT IT IS DOLPH ZIGGLER and he is as you may know something of a show off and I fuckin love that there is a modern guy whose wrestling character is that he is a showoff; that is exactly the kind of thing a wrestling character needs to be imo. Let's not over think this, right? They were like "nobody likes a showoff so let's make a guy a showoff and everyone will be like BOOOOOOO" and they were *right.* Evan Bourne is number two and he is tiny! He does a lot of cool moves and I have enjoyed his AIR BOOM tag team with Koffi Kingston but I am not all that into Evan Bourne at least not like I am into Dolph Ziggler who is awesome and lol OK we just got Ziggler's finisher and Bourne's "shooting star press" within like thirty seconds of each other which doesn't make all that much sense unless these guys aren't sticking around long but whatever man it owned. Next in is CM PUNK YEEEEEEEEEEAH and he eliminates both guys so quickly that he has time to get on the microphone and give an sXe sermon and it's pretty awesome and I find his rhetoric compelling and as the clock winds down he looks down at his wrist tape as though it were a wristwatch in the mode of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and he goes "excuse me; it's clobberin' time" and it is really cool. Serena is out with him by the way. I listened to an interview Punk did with noted mixed martial arts journalist Ariel Helwani and Punk talked about how it sucks kind of that he won't actually be in the Royal Rumble match itself this year since that has been his favourite match since forever and yeah me too Chick Magnet me too. WTF he was a three-time World Champion already? Things move fast in this our modern wrestling age. JTG of Cryme Tyme is in next and lol OK he lasts about twenty seconds before he goes out over the ring post and the sermon resumes until the Great Khali comes out and Punk attempts to convert him like "Great Khali, I can make you greater . . . " however Khali puts him in THE VICE until BETH PHOENIX comes out making her only the second woman in Royal Rumble history as well you know. Khali just scoops her up and sets her on the apron and tells her to leave but Phoenix kisses him to generate *kuzushi* or unbalancing and she pulls him over and out and Matt Striker is like "NEVER TRUST A WOMAN" but I think that is too broad a conclusion to draw from this isolated incident of duplicity.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">oh man "The Glamazon" absolutely fuckin *buries* Punk with a clothesline but he hits the "Go To Sleep" and puts her out over the top however I think Phoenix busted Punk up a little with that clothesline lol. Zack Ryder is in and out in like thirty seconds and Punk is back on the mic like "LET ME RIIIIIISE" and this is really good so far particularly if you are like totally a dude of CM Punk. TIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAAAAAAAME as Hunter Hearst Helmsley is next and he is a co-holder of the Unified Tag Team Championship and honestly it is about time they unified those because it had just been silly if I may say so. A cool little stare down follows and then these two have about a minute of an awesome match until Intercontinental Champion and dude I have a really hard time giving a shit about Drew McIntyre slowly ambles to the ring and I should like a guy with that cool a finisher in WWE All Stars way more than I do but the heart wants what it wants.and OH SHIT CM PUNK IS OUT he went for the "Go to Sleep" after an escape from the Pedigree but Triple H shrugged him off and hooked a leg and *woop* there goes Punk! That whole Punk deal was one of the best "first-third-or-so"s in any of these Royal Rumbles for sure. DiBiase is in next and he and McIntyre team up on Triple H and as a dude from where I am from I am pretty into McIntyre's St. Andrew's Cross-themed ring gear but idk it isn't enough. John Morrison is in at number eleven and I guess he had a bunch of matches with McIntyre lately so they pair off for a bit. STARSHIP PAIN STARSHIP PAIN and that is maybe my favourite name for a move ever idk why. *BWOOOOOOOOOOOOF* it is KANE and he comes in with a clothesline from the top rope on Triple H and soon thereafter he double chokeslams Morrison and McIntyre and then Triple H is chokeslammed also and yeah everybody is getting wrecked here. Cody Rhodes is in next and once again I think this guy is totally great. Morrison comes at him with a springboard thing off the ropes and Rhodes catches him with a dropkick which is really one of the only ways I can get into dropkicks tbh. MVP in at fourteen OR IS HE as The Miz has just laid him out from behind with the United States Championship belt and the belts really are the best foreign objects. Morrison hits his kick off the ropes on McIntyre and I am pretty into so it is not like *kicks* that I am not into just drop ones.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We've got Carlito in at number fifteen and this one is going pretty quickly and so far I have liked it! Morrison just did a cool thing where he over-rotated on a Carlito monkey-flip out of the corner and OH SHIT "Backstabber"s to Triple H, McIntyre and DiBiase and Matt Striker is like "at some point wouldn't you stop throwing punches if you Carlito doing that to three different guys" SHUT UP MATT STRIKER THEY SHOULD NEVER STOP EVER. Here is the Miz legitimately this time and oh OK here comes MVP and they both tumble out over the top rope and brawl on the outside and that looked intense! Good job guys! And now it is "the heart and soul of Friday Night Smackdown Matt Hardy" lol OK sure what do I know aaaaaaaahahahahaha Kane got him after like ten seconds but then Triple H pushed Kane out from behind and it is SPINEBUSTERS to maybe four guys in a row which I totally endorse. Shawn Michaels is in next and they should never make him run because he looks eighty when he runs but once he gets there he is of course awesome and he tosses Carlito out hugely and then gets Rhodes and DiBiase and then he kips up and holy shit he is baaaaaaald at this point and there goes Morrison as well. Triple H is on a bad "wheel" after a Drew McIntyre chop block a minute ago but he gets his shit together and he and HBK eliminate McIntyre with a clothesline AND HERE COMES CENA and yeah this is a really good Royal Rumble. Cena cleans house and delivers a TEN KNUCKLE SHUFFLE but as he tries got get Shawn Michaels up and over Triple H intervenes and puts Cena down with a Pedigree and then WOOOOOOOOOOAH SUPERKICK ON TRIPLE H AND HE IS OUT that was really cool and unexpected! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Shelton Benjamin enters his fuckin eighth consecutive Royal Rumble if you can believe and lol yep there he goes. It took Cena like thirty seconds. He has got to have like the lowest average time in Royal Rumbles of anyone with enough appearances to qualify for the rumblemetric I have just proposed. YOSHI TATSU! lasts like a second! Cena got him too. So the Shawn Michaels story here is about how badly he wants to face the Undertaker at Wrestlemania for the second year in a row and that is actually a pretty good story imo. The Big Show comes out next and Cena has a great hands-on-knees "well-fuck-me" aspect about him and DO IT HBK AND CENA YOU ARE SO CLOSE OK no not really the Big Show is still in there and this is really good with these three. FUCK YEAH MARK HENRY and holy cow we are up to number twenty-three. Michaels and Cena are just laying around as the Big Show and Henry GET AFTER IT in the middle of the ring and lol after Mark Henry scoop slams the Big Show very impressively John Cena tries to get Mark Henry up for the "Attitude Adjustment" but collapses under his girth in a cool way. Chris Masters is in next and he fires Shawn Michaels into the corner and he does that rad upside turnbuckle thing that one most associates with him but a Masterlock attempt on Mark Henry goes awry and he is out in short order WOOOOOAHH YEEEEEEEEEEAH R-TRUE COMES IN AND DUMPS BOTH HENRY AND THE BIG SHOW AT THE SAME TIME YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHH they were totally tied up with each other in the corner and R-Truth is wilding out here ladies and gentlemen this is *awesome.* </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">JACK SWAGGER lol he has this like fox in the hen house look on his face as he races to the ring and he hits dudes with that splash he does out of the corner and then it is a suplex and an OKLAHOMA STAMPEDE and yes this is the best guy right here this is Jack Swagger and DID HE GET HBK no I guess he did not. Kofi Kingston is in at lucky number twenty-seven and unsurprisingly he comes in with a cross body of the top rope and is like BOOM DROP on Swagger but Swagger has him up and OH NEAT a bodyscissors elimination of Jack Swagger by Kofi Kingston good stuff Kofi and lol now a headscissors on R-TRUTH. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">EVIL JERICHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO is a guy I think should totally win the Royal Rumble even though you can totally see him calling everything with John Cena right now in a way that is surprisingly glaring and a little distracting tbh. Top-rope elbow from Michaels on Jericho and man that is a sweet move. Kingston hit his cool kick on HBK but then Cena sent him flying out and to the floor and Jericho hit Cena with the Codebreaker in a great sequence zrrrrrrrrrrrn *you think you know me* BADADADADADADADADADADAADADADADAAA ON THIS DAAAAAAY IT IS EDGE IN A SURPRISE RETURN AND JERICHO IS OUT and this is awesome OK in at number thirty is Batista so that's your final four: Edge, Batista, Cena, and Shawn Michaels. Batista is laying dudes out as you would expect but the crowd doesn't actually give a shit about him either way at this point and they are right and he gets speared and then everybody is down for a minute. Top-rope HBK elbows on Cena and Batista and now the band is being warmed up ladies and gentlemen and yep Cena eats one and yep Batista gets another one and then EDGE CLOTHESLINES HBK over but they are both on the apron *not* the floor and HBK superkicks Edge back in which is REALLY cool and then Batista runs over and knocks Michaels from the apron to the floor and that was AWESOME and Shawn Michaels is a man whose dream has been crushed friends and he reenters the ring and superkicks a referee who is in there to try to get him out and he is doing a really good job of looking totally beside himself but not in rage exactly just like total and complete disappointment. GOOD STUFF SHAWN MICHAELS WAY TO WRESTLE AND EVERYTHING.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So it is Edge and the dudes who botched the 2005 Royal Rumble maybe *or maybe not* depending on how you read those strange events and Cena has just pulled the rope down on a charging Batista so it is just Cena and Edge in fact! OH SHIT EDGE PUTS CENA OUT LIKE RIGHT AWAY AND THAT'S IT EDGE WINS IT COOL AS HELL I HAD NO IDEA THAT THIS EVER HAPPENED except oh yeah doesn't he end up wrestling for the title at Wrestlemania but in the opening match or something weird like that? Anyway that was a REALLY GOOD Royal Rumble after kind of a mediocre undercard but who really cares man that Royal Rumble was GOOD. </span><br />
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<br /></div>ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-2745169671929536282012-01-31T11:15:00.002-08:002012-01-31T11:15:57.667-08:002009 ROYAL RUMBLE<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">WE ARE STARTING TO RUN LOW ON ROYAL RUMBLES HERE AREN'T WE as together we address ourselves to the 2009 Royal Rumble which I am almost certain I have not seen but I see no reason to think this will be anything but totally good because the average level of awesomeness of the Royal Rumble match has been steadily on the rise as we have made our way through these wouldn't you agree? An opening montage shows Randy Orton vs. the McMahons as a thing to keep our eyes on this evening and lol the way Orton described Stephanie McMahon as "sexually worthless" seemed pretty harsh. The Road to Wrestlemania XXV begins here at the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit, Michigan and we begin with Matt Hardy challenging THE ALL-AMERICAN AMERICAN JACK SWAGGER YEEEEAH for the ECW title and I guess this is Todd Grisham and Matt Stryker on commentary which will probably be ok. Swagger's music sounds way more like Rage Against the Machine than any of the other wrestling themes that are totally supposed to sound like they are by Rage Against the Machine. Something I should have mentioned whilst discussing last year's Royal Rumble but failed to is how much I like it that they started introducing people once both guys are in the ring rather than being like "now coming down the aisle" because this makes it more Of The Past. Denounce me as hoss enthusiast if you must but I think Jack Swagger is basically the perfect professional wrestler for this our modern age and as I have mentioned on more than one occasion he bears an uncanny resemblance to my Aunt Sheelagh and it goes well beyond their literally identical haircuts. Swagger is doing all kinds of slick takedowns and great basic "matwork" that looks fantastic. Also fantastic or at worst *borderline* fantastic: Hardy's cool fall from the top turnbuckle to the floor. These guys are having a good match! Swagger is focusing on the arm and we are told that the arm is vital to the execution of the "twist of fate" which is the finishing move that the Hardys employ after going WUUUUUHHHHHH which is a bit like when John Malkovich screws the tops of the Oreos in that once people figure it out the Hardys will probably be fucked. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don't know if this is view that is already widespread on the internet or whatever but I think Matt Stryker is pretty good on colour and I have no real problem with Todd Grisham though I don't think he is around anymore is he. Swagger is the best man we are way way into the match before he hits his first belly-to-belly suplex and seriously if you take the way say Kurt Angle wrestled and the way Jack Swagger wrestlers I will seriously take Jack Swagger every time. It was totally weird to go back to all that Benoit/Angle/Lesnar stuff around say 2004 and see suplexes reduced to nothing but transitional moves as our friend 'Taine noted, like they wouldn't even get you a near fall which was *dumb* but at the time it was happening I almost certainly would have told you it was awesome. But Swagger did a bunch of really cool "amateur style" takedowns and some slick matwork and then just worked the arm and "sold" the comeback for the rest of the match until he hit that one suplex, survived a near fall on an odd looking moonsault, and finished with the gut-wrench powerbomb. In summation this was a good match and Jack Swagger owns beyond all conventional reckoning. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Next up is a Women's Championship match between Melina and the champoin and "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix accompanied by the great Santino Marella and I have no problem with Melina but I mean come on *Santino.* They are both wearing cool shiny outfits that are vastly less revealing than usual "divas" fare and you know what they are actually really cool so think about that, divas, and also you should respect yourselves and make good choices. lol THE BEST THING just happened and it was OK OK Phoenix had Melina face down on the mat and Phoenix had her leg all bent up like a half crab almost but not really and then she started hitting her in the head from behind *with her own fucking foot* and it was an extraordinarily good use of Melina's much celebrated flexibity. I wonder if you could that "spot" with like RVD or somebody? Phoenix has all kinds of power moves here and most of them are really good. I am not reading "the sheets" at all these days but I believe she is now or at least has in the past dated CM Punk? OH SHIT SUNSET FLIPESQUE MANEUVER AND MELINA HAS WON IT! So much for what I am told is Phoenix's five-month title reign. That was the best women's match I have seen in a long time. Did I ever mention that I totally enjoyed the women's match at the "house" show I attended in the fall at the historic Halifax Forum where Leo Burke once wrestled National Wrestling Alliance Champion Harley Race to a sixty-minute draw? The impossibly tiny AJ defeated Natalya and it was quite good!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK so coming up next JBL challenges John Cena for the World Heavyweight Championship and lol I had no idea that Shawn Michaels had been humbled by the economic crisis and is now in the employ of the one-percenter JBL and I mention to my wife that Michaels is still around in this the 2009 Royal Rumble and that this is what he is doing and she was like "that guy is like Woolf's 'Orlando'" and then we are both like lol. Backstage JBL is like "I will pay you all kinds of money tonight Shawn if etc. etc." and then after he leaves the Undertaker appears and is like "you know Shawn sometimes heaven something hell something else" and I am ready for the Heart Break Kid to break free of his chains let me tell you that much! John Cena is wearing his rad AWA-inspired t-shirt that I hope they sold a zillion of because that is a great idea. Your referee is Mike Chioda, my favourite one! He checks the ring gear of the competitors for foreign objects which is a crucial step no official should ever neglect but some do man some do. Maybe these guys are "going long" because they start out with a really nice slow pace with headlock takeovers and things like that. LET'S GO CENA/CENA SUCKS are the things that you are hearing right now if this is what you are watching. Hey so on "The Masked Man"'s Grantland podcast that aired a couple of days after he and his bro went to Survivor Series at MSG he mentioned that one of the striking things about going to wrestling now compared to say in the depths of the Attitude Era is the almost complete absence of dudes holding up signs, and he's right, there's definitely a huge difference there. He speculated that this was because the wrestling sign is no longer necessary exactly as the way to make like ironic comments or inside jokes or anything as now we all have message boards and/or Twitter. You should hear him talk about it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Solid match so far as you would expect out of these two and again the pace here is somewhat reserved. This is not to say that they aren't doing stuff because they totally are but it's like, some stuff on the inside, then outside and into the ring steps, back inside, and back out for the steps again. A weary-looking Shawn Michaels stands with sorrowful eyes waiting for the moment at which he will be called upon to transgress against his values in the interests of securing his family's financial well-being or whatever. I am waiting for it to because it will probably be cool. Cena kind of missed his top-rope leg drop a little but I think I'm actually going to pin that one on JBL who was moving weirdly. Despite this he is like FIVE-KNUCKLE SHUFFLE YOU CANNOT SEE HIM and although he is unsuccessful in executing the "Attitude Adjustment" he does apply a stepover toe-hold facelock HOWEVER it looked like Shawn Michaels was going to help put the ropes within reach of JBL and Cena broke the hold and went over to like kick him away from the ropes OH SHIT LARIATOOOOOOOOOOO FOR TWOOOOOOOO but now an Attitude Adjustment attempt but it escaped and hahaha woah that was a pretty enormous boot that referee Mike Chioda just ate as he has now officially been "bumped" and he is out of the ring but HBK is IN that very same ring and he has a choice to make right as to who shall be superkicked into oblivion and PROLETARIER ALLER LANDER VEREINIGT EUCH YEAH DO IT HBK FUK U 1% but wait what he has also superkicked Cena and then Michaels drapes Bradshaw's arm over Cena for the pin and a second referee races to the ring but it is but twoooooo! Cena ducks a lariat and hits the Attitude Adjustment for three and that was a pretty good match. All three matches have been good so far, nothing extraordinary or anything but all totally enjoyable stuff. You know what was not particularly enjoyable? The Legends of Wrestlemania video game or at least the demo of it that I DL'd but only played a couple of times HOWEVER the recent WWE All Stars gets my highest recommendation! There is an ad for for the former which is why I mention it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Looks like we're going to get Edge challenging Jeff Hardy for the WWE Championship and there's a video package with something about a car crash and also a ring entrance pyro accident or something and I guess the idea is that Edge is behind all of these attempts at murder but there is every reason to expect this match to be plenty nuts regardless of the motivation and so I am ready for it. Jeff Hardy is more painted than usual and lol remember when he came to the ring in TNA so fucked up that Sting was instructed to "shoot" on him and hold him down like twenty seconds into the match and you could hear Hardy go "come on that's it?" or something and then on the way out a fan goes THAT SUCKED and Sting said "I agree" lol that was the best. As you know I feel very strongly that the champion should come out last with literally no exceptions and so I am not pleased that this rule of mine is being flagrantly ignored. So Vickie Guerrero is still the Smackdown(!) GM and apparently Edge's wife and she has decided to make this a no disqualification match and that could very well play into the challenger's plans as he is accompanied to the ring by *ooooh Chavo.* Hey do you know who is way better than the Raw ring announcer well I'll tell you it's Lilian Garcia. This guy actually stinks.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The pace is pretty quick to start here and I think that is a "WE WANT TABLES" chant that starts up within the first minute. I was pleased and surprised which is to say pleasantly surprised by the like "mature" or something match that Hardy "worked" against Randy Orton at the 2008 Royal Rumble which was this totally coherent deliberate thing and not just a collection of awesome but somewhat baffling shit so I am genuinely curious to see how he handles this one. They're doing a fair amount of stuff on the outside as you would expect in the no-disqualifications context and there are some things off of aprons and into barricades and such but nothing nuts so far. Oh come on though guys I am totally into HOLDS but don't do this Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Big Boss Man waistlock on the ground shit *do not do it* there is now way that is acceptable no matter how much you need a breather man grab a reverse chinlock or something *at least.* OK cool we are onto other things now as Hardy comes off the top but Edge hits him with a dropkick and now Edge brings two chairs into the ring or OK he *tried* to do that thing I have just now described but instead he was first tackled and knocked off the apron and secondly dove on top of OH SHIT TWIST OF FATE ON THE APRON! That was awesome! Also Hardy's hair is purple and his face is like swirly grey and all kinds of shit if you'd been wondering</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Jeff Hardy just almost slipped off the top of a ladder but ended up catching just enough of Chavo Guerrero to not just straight up die as he put Edge's second through an announce table. Back inside is the "whisper in the wind" and then one would assume a "twist of fate" BUT NO IT IS A DDT COUNTER AND A COOL ONE for twoooooooo and an "inside cradle" for twoooooo more. Hardy's head is driven into an unpadded turnbuckle and it is kind of crazy how that still gets sold like death because it is like the tiniest little thing. A SPEAR IS COUNTERED BY A TWIST OF FATE AND NOW IT IS A "SWANTON" but Vickie Guerrero interrupts the count which is *not cool* but here comes Matt Hardy and he has brought a chair and could this perhaps be duplicity? YES INDEED IT IS AS JEFF'S OWN HALFWIT BROTHER HAS TURNED AGAINST HIM AND HE LAID HIM OUT WITH A STEEL CHAIR OOOOOOOOOOOON THIS DAY EDGE IS YOUR CHAMPION ONCE AGAIN and once again this was another totally good match. ONE CAN ONLY SPECULATE WHY ONE BROTHER WOULD TURN AGAINST ANOTHER AS WE HAVE SEEN HERE TONIGHT is how Jim Ross closes this portion of the show and yeah he is the best at this ever by far.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Did you know that the MAGNIFICENCE of this year's Royal Rumble is presented by Castrol GTX? Backstage we are shown Chris Jericho who tells Randy Orton that he thinks he is a cool guy even though Randy Orton was mean to Vince McMahon who Jericho says is no longer "the creative genius, the god who created the heavens and earth of the WWE universe" but instead a "pandering, shameless drone" and I don't think I saw a single minute of whichever "heel run" this is that Jericho is on but it seems as though he may have been awesome. OK cool it looks like we've got just Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler calling the Royal Rumble match rather than like the million dudes we had last year and starting things off we have Rey Mysterio and John Morrison and Jim Ross is like "I'd like to have abs like that" and really what he wants is to touch them imo. These guys are both excellent so this should be a good first ninety seconds! Yeah in fact the first ninety seconds *are* pretty good with a couple of near eliminations that actually had me thinking a dude might go out this early which is to say they were effective. In at number three is Carlito who wears pants now and is a tag team champion with Primo (I like Primo!) and he still spits apple HOLY COW he is springboarding off the ropes in ways I have not seen from anybody let alone Carlito! Also he hits a sick neckbreaker. MVP of whom I am fond is out next and he is tossing dudes all over the place and dropping elbows and such and I guess he is the United States Champion right now. lol they called his "shiny wizard"esque maneuver the "drive by." The crowd is not like crazy about this so far but I am here to tell you that this is about as well as Royal Rumbles can begin and I am at the point where I speak with at least some measure of "kinos" if no other element of rhetorical proof. Khali is in next and everybody just bounces off him for a minute and a half and yeah this is awesome. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Vladimir Kozlov comes in at number six and he is a fake Russian fake shooter of some kind? He is on a pretty good tear here as he eliminated Khali like it isn't even a big deal for him and then he tosses MVP and Carlito too. It is TIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAAAAME however and people are into Triple H here in Detroit and lol Kozlov is promptly facebustered and crotch chopped (at) and disposed of. Randy Orton who we are told is without question the most controversial figure in the WWE is the next man in and in a cool sequence he goes for the RKO on Triple H but it is countered into a Pedigree attempt but Morrison hits Triple H with that jumping kick off the ropes that he does and then Mysterio hits a "seated springboard senton" on Orton and then a 619 on Morrison and this is *really* cool. JTG of Cryme Tyme is the next guy and I have never seen Cryme Tyme at all. Ted DiBiase Jr. comes in at number ten and I'm not sure he's all that good frankly and it gives me no pleasure to say that. I am given to understand that he is cahoots with Randy Orton and Cody Rhodes at this time. OK cool Morrison and JTG are both over the top rope and dangling and they are trying to kick each other off from there and neither do but it was neat! Mysterio just hit a baseball slide to the DiBiase's groin in the corner. Here comes smug Jericho in trunks for the first time in Royal Rumble action and as soon as he hits the ring he and Triple H pretty much run through a whole main event's worth of combination and counters or *renraku waza* and *kaeshi waza* if you are so inclined. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don't know anything about Mike Knox other than that is a hell of a beard and every time I have tried to grow a superbig beard I always get sick of it after like a month and bail so I admire his commitment if nothing else. The Miz who is in next has probably the douchiest ring gear in wrestling history but that is probably his deal so criticizing it would be misplaced kind of. RKOs on Morrison, Miz, and JTG but a Pedigree on Orton! Triple H just tossed Morrison into the Miz and both went out in a heap and lol Mysterio was out of the ring but he landed on Morrison and the Miz and just like walked over them to the steps and reentered the ring. Here comes Finlay and he hits everybody pretty hard for about ninety seconds and now we have Cody Rhodes who is *awesome* and now Orton and DiBiase and Rhodes triple-team Triple H and oooooh that's right they are called "Legacy" OK I remember that. Mysterio tries to springboard into the ring but is caught in an RKO and I will never ever ever get sick of RKO OUT OF NOWHERE as a move.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We have passed the halfway mark now as it is like *BONG* and everybody stops and the Undertaker comes in and man this guy moves really well for a big dude who is at this point seriously old and he tosses JTG in seconds and has pretty much everybody laid out within about a minute. THE BIZARRE AND OFTENTIMES CONTROVERSIAL GOLDUST is next and he and Cody Rhodes go at it until lol RKO OUT OF NOWHERE and again man that is the *best* and Goldust is out. CM PUNK YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHH THE NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION MAKING HIS THIRD ROYAL RUMBLE APPEARANCE and apparently he has also won the ECW title and the World title and the Money in the Bank match so that is something of a "push" he is getting here. He kicks some dudes and does the running high knee to others. Mark Henry is number nineteen and who can withstand his might? lol surely not CM Punk who yells "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH JEEEEEEEEESUS CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIST" as Henry stands on him in the corner and then Triple H sells the shit out of a power slam and yes this is the way Mark Henry should be treated thank you all. Shelton Benjamin is the United States champion at present and he has been awful just awful in these Royal Rumble matches and he's been in a bunch of them. He can't catch a break. Jericho and Punk are both up on the ropes in the corner and Benjamin runs up the ropes and double DDTs them which was pretty cool. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">REGAL. WILLIAM. FLOPPY HAIRED VERSION. He hits a cool "exploder" suplex on CM Punk and I am told these two "feuded" over the Intercontinental Title and I should totally try to find those matches on youtube. Oh shit Mark Henry is out and it didn't even make it on camera until a replay: Mysterio just kind of pulled the ropes down and there he went :( but now Koffi Kingston is in at number twenty-two and this is his first Royal Rumble by my calculations and also by my calculations he is really good! The ring is totally crowded btw and look this has been a totally good one so far but not like *incroyable* exactly and I expecting some serious shit to go down on the soon. The Undertaker tosses out Benjamin and then *BWOOOOOOOOF* is is KANE and he and and a bloodied Undertaker hit DiBiase with a double chokeslam. Punk eliminated Regal which reminds me that yeah I will *definitely* have to find those matches. R-TRUTH I LIKE THIS GUY YEAH LET'S DO IT R-TRUTH and in keeping with this theme of dudes I like it is ROB VAN DAM A SURPRISE ENTRANT IN THE ROYAL RUMBLE and he is ever-so-gingerly kicking the shit out of dudes in his trademark fashion and the crowd is going nuts for this guy as he goes RRRR-VVVVVV-DDDDDDD from the top turnbuckle. THE Brian Kendrick is in next and I don't know anything about him at all but he just pushed Kingston off the top but then Triple H tossed Kendrick so I do not have to worry about it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">RVD's arrival is really what the crowd needed to "kick things up a notch" because the match has totally been good but not yet quite great and so they'd been a little bit flat but now they are way way into it and here is Dolph Ziggler who I think is *the real deal* and lol he is all smugly like "what is up Kane yeah I'm Dolph Ziggler" and Kane tosses him. AT NUMBER TWENTY-EIGHT IS THE EXQUISITE SANTINO MARELLA and lolololol Kane got him in literally a second and Santino is like I WASN'T READY I WASN'T READY lol I love that guy. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO[...]OOO IT IS HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN LOL WTF MAN and as you will recall he won the inaugural event that was actually way better than you would have maybe expected and shit he doesn't look bad at all for his age and the good people of Detroit are like USA USA USA.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Everybody stops what they're doing as the Big Show enters the ring at number thirty and one of the best things that has ever happened in the illustrious history of the Royal Rumble was when like six dudes went Fire Pro on Big Show and hit their finishers in an almost obscene procession. The Undertaker and the Big Show square off but while they are just staring at each other Kane sneaks in between and punches Big Show in the face and that was awesome actually. lol Duggan tries to scoop the Big Show up and over but he is of course unsuccessful and now he is gone but that was GREAT work Jim Duggan thank you for your service. The Big Show presses R-Truth up and over and out and then fucks around with CM Punk for a little bit and then delivers a KO punch to him on the apron and he's out. Hornswoggle is in the ring for a minute and this keeps us from seeing what happened with Mysterio and Mike Knox oh OK Big Show kind of tipped both them out in a pile and there goes Finlay too so we are starting to get down to it here a little bit. Orton hits that "DDT with a dude's legs hanging on the second rope" as it is known on Triple H who is the guy who has been in the match the longest at this point. FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH ON ORTON but you know how he always sells that himself WELL this time while he was staggering around holding his puffy little belly Chris Jericho tosses him and looks smug about it only to turn around and see the "grim visage" of the Undertaker but Jericho hits the CODEBREAKER which is a great move with a great name imo so you're thinking holy shit Jericho is going to eliminate the Undertaker but on the contrary the Undertaker sidesteps a Jericho clothesline at the last instant and that is it for Y2J. That was a *great* sequence. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">DiBiase and Rhodes and Orton which is to say LEGACY triple-team Kane to eliminate him and so we are left with the Undertaker and the Big Show and Triple H and all three of Orton, Rhodes, and Dibiase and they are on the Undertaker LIKE A PACK OF WOLVES whilst the Big Show is chokeslamming Triple H. lol that lasts about a minute and then the Undertaker chokeslams all three of those dudes so now the Big Show and the Undertaker are one-on-one and the Undertaker has pulled his straps down because he is for serious and WOAAAAAH a big boot from the Undertaker nearly put the Big Show out but he did a fantastic job of dangling from the top rope for a dude who is a million pounds and now they are both on the apron fighting and RKO OUT OF NOWHERE ON THE BIG SHOW and he is out and then the Big Show pulls the Undertaker out and they leave fighting through the crowd as our final four takes shape and it is a three-on-one situation as Orton, Rhodes, and Dibiase are ALL OVER TRIPLE H WITH CLEAN SHOTS BAH GAWD AGAIN AND AGAIN TO THE HEAD OF THE GAME but before long Triple H is like facebuster/spinbuster/pedigree on the lesser dudes and Orton is over and to the apron and he lays low for a second and then there is a big flurry in which Triple H fires DiBiase and Rhodes out but as he is doing so Randy Orton sneaks up and tips Triple H out from behind and that's it! That was a pretty cool way to do it! Orton and Rhodes are back in afterwards and Orton raises both their hands and this was a a good Royal Rumble match with a cool story to it and the show on the whole was actually one of the best!</span><br />ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-67909501197058700382012-01-31T11:15:00.000-08:002012-01-31T11:15:06.759-08:002008 ROYAL RUMBLE<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">SO THERE IS KIND OF A WEIRD DEAL WITH THE 2008 ROYAL RUMBLE FOR ME and it is that I only have the Royal Rumble match itself from that year and while I believe the other matches from that card are almost certainly available on youtube I am concerned that if I go searching around too much I will *spoiler* the Royal Rumble match for myself and I don't want to do that so I'll look for those matches afterwards but for right now IT IS TIME TO ROYAL RUMBLE YEEEEAAAAHHHH and Joey Styles has it right when he says that the Royal Rumble is "the only match in WWE that affords the ultimate opportunity to thirty WWE superstars in a single night" and yeah that is indeed much of its appeal! Tazz notes that the last seven winners of the Royal Rumble have gone on to win a title at Wrestlemania so in case you thought that this was not serious as hell you were mistaken and perhaps gravely so in my view. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Holy shit they got Michael Buffer for this one making it a classy affair here at Madison Square Garden and one hopes he will say *damas y caballeros* but he does not but he DOES say LET'S GET READY TO RUMMMMMMMMMMMMBLE and I cannot believe how eerily cosmetically perfect his teeth are. Also you know how as we have discussed previously the entrance is always like *right* behind the ring at MSG as in ninety degrees off from the norm? Well they have made that a real strength here but putting incredibly rad lighting in that area and yeah man so far this is *pure class.* Once again, ninety second intervals will separate our competitors and the first of those competitors is last year's winner THE UNDERTAKER and number two is THE HEART BREAK KID SHAWN MICHAELS lol man that is how you dooz it imo this is *awesome* and who all do we have on commentary here OK Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole and Tazz and Jonathan Coachman at least which is too fuckin many obviously. You know what, I really like quasi-shoot-style Undertaker better than any previous Undertaker: I like the gloves and the loose-as-can-be *kakato jime* or *gogoplata* and all of that. He is trying to grow as an artist despite being totally old and that should serve as an inspiration to us all. An artist for whom no growth is possible because he has already reached the pinnacle is the incomparable Santino Marella who is the greatest comedic performer in the history of professional wrestling and *did you know* he is also legit as hell in that he is a junior national judo champion competing out of the highly regarded Shinbukan club in Mississauga and in fact his picture is still on the instructors page:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway he is the third man in which is just funny to begin with but after he strides purposefully to the ring and then kind of poses at dudes he gets straight up SUPERKICKED in seconds and tossed by the Undertaker and again the man is the greatest wrestlecomedian of not just our era but of all time and you should *respect* that. The Undertaker and HBK continue to have a pretty awesome little match out there for the next ninety seconds and then we've got THE GREAT KHALI who was treated with profound seriousness in the previous year's Royal Rumble which is one-hundred percent correct and the Madison Square Garden crowd's chants of "YOU CAN'T WRESTLE" are of course in a sense true but they are also utterly beside the point. The Undertaker however does away with him in about a minute's time and for the second time in a row Shawn Michaels tries to sneakily tip the Undertaker out just after he has eliminated a dude and that is probably a good approach. Hardcore Holly is out next and is apparently a tag team champion here but still sucks a lot and so what I am watching mostly is not Holly squaring off against the Undertaker but instead the way Shawn Michaels' hair is messed up such that you can really see how bald he is on top at this point which is *really fucking bald on top at this point.* John Morrison is the next guy in and I like that guy. Holy shit Shawn Michaels' face is *all fucked up* and bloody and I honestly did not see what could have caused that so I apologize for failing you in this regard. He hits a rad top-rope elbow on Morrison just before stupid fucking Tommy Dreamer is out and he receives a hearty E-C-DUB chant and then a TOMM-Y-DREAM-ER but all of that is misplaced because he is stupid and just like *swollen* at this point. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">IT IS BIG DAVE EXPECT DUDES TO GET FUCKIN PUNISHED and yeah that is what happens and fortunately for mankind collectively Tommy Dreamer is the first guy he eliminates and hooooly shit he just speared John Morrison half to death. Hornswoggle who I am told is Vince McMahon's illegitimate son is our next little fella and he hides under the ring not unlike Jerry "The King" Lawler so many years ago. Chuck Palumbo is in there now and I liked him better as a guy who almost got same-sex-married than as a like swarthy dude in pants but that's me. Here comes Jamie Noble who is all taped up after "a brutal assault at the hands of Chuck Palumbo Friday night" thank you Michael Cole and lol he gets fuckin *kicked* and he's gone. Guys there is an awesome energy to this Royal Rumble so far and I am really really really enjoying it!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">CM PUNK MOTHERFUCKER YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH RUNNING KNEE TO THE UNDERTAKER AND MICHAELS AND MORRISON and then lol he tries to bulldog Michaels out of the corner and the Undetaker *buries* him with a clothesline and he doesn't even have his shirt off before he escapes like an off-race Dominator or something from Palumbo and high-knees Palumbo off the apron and to the floor. Cody Rhodes is in now and I think he is a truly excellent professional wrestler and he was terrific at the recent "house" show I recently enjoyed at the historic Halifax Forum where I would remind you Leo Burke once wrestled National Wrestling Alliance Champion Harley Race to a sixty-minute draw. OH SHIT IT IS UMAGA AND HE IS *FUCKING DUDES UP* INCLUDING BOB HOLLY WHO HE JUST SAMOAN SPIKED TO THE FLOOR YEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH so now only Cody Rhodes remains of your tag team champions I guess. At number fifteen it is shaved-head Snitsky who I have never seen before but he looks kind of penislike or something and he lays guys out for a while and Cody Rhodes dives right after him and they both go to the apron but not out and that was really cool actually. Jim Ross says that John Morrison looks like a young Shawn Michaels out there and you know what that is an idea I can totally get behind. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here we have The Miz and I enjoy current Miz well enough but he looks pretty douchelike here but then again I am sure that is his deal. Oh OK so the Miz and Morrison are tag champions too? I am not going to worry about that too much. Shelton Benjamin is next and did they ever do anything worthwhile with this guy? He does totally awesome stuff in there right away but aaaaahaahahahahaaa yeah OK HBK just superkicked him right out. So what if a dude can straight up *leap* to the top ropes like it is not even tricky to do that; they've got nothing for him. FAT JIMMY SNUKA IS NEXT AND BAH GAWD THE RAVAGES OF TIME I mean *Odin's ravens* he looks like shit here and I see much older dudes than that naked at the gym on the reg and I don' t think Snuka looks better than *any* of them. lol he might look better than ROWDY RODDY PIPER though and I know this because Piper is next and this is really really really cool even if Jimmy Snuka looks like Yoko Ono's aunt at this point (and I respect and admire Yoko Ono to the extent that I follow here on soundcloud which is the highest distinction that is within my power to bestow but she is at this point a very old lady you understand). ALAS Snuka is unable to finally exact a measure of revenge for the coconut incident on Piper's Pit as Kane comes in and just tips both dudes out but you know what that was *awesome* and they should do stuff like that every couple years at least. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Carlito is in at number twenty-one and man this one is flying by! He spits apple at Cody Rhodes and I will never get tired of apple spitting as a thing OH SHIT FUCKIN BACKCRACKER OR WHATEVER on CM Punk. OMG CACTUS JACK IS NEXT and I remain way way way into this. They would have to do nothing but absolutely horrible awful things the rest of the way for this to be anything but a totally good Royal Rumble. Mr. Kennedy is the next man in and he gets an enormous reaction from the crowd and I guess I just wasn't watching at all at this point because I had no idea he was ever that big of a deal really. lol Jim Ross is like "The Undertaker is stackin' them up like cord-wood in the corner" which is a metaphor that speaks to my experience. Seconds after Big Daddy V is called we get a chain of events that is like this: the Undertaker pushes Snitsky out and then HBK puts the Undertaker out with a superkick and then Mr. Kennedy puts Michaels out from behind and yeah if Shawn Michael's nose isn't broken it sure as hell looks like it is. I guess Undertaker dropped a "big leg" on Snitsky on the table on the way out but the camera didn't catch it. Cody Rhodes nearly gets Kennedy with a headscissors and Rhodes has been quietly excllent so far imo. SOMEBODY IS GOING TO GET THEIR ASS KICKED says the guy who performs Mark Henry's entrance music and Mark Henry is awesome. Hornswoggle pops out from under the ring to give the Miz a little pull out over the top and then ducks back under.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Man this is just about it already as this is *ooooooooo CHAVO* in at number twenty-six and CM Punk goes at him hard here suggesting there is some sort of rivalry? Kane offers a "big boot" to the face of John Morrison who is out and he like Cody Rhodes was really good in this (Rhodes is continuing to be good btw). lol Mark Henry picks up Hornswoggle and pulls him into the ring and then Finlay rushes in and whacks dudes with the traditional ethnic weapon of his people and he accompanies Hornswoggle to the back and his night is done I guess. OK so they are saying Finlay has been disqualified which is a first in these Royal Rumbles I believe. So he would have been twenty-seven and Elijah Burke is next and i don't know the first thing about this guy. OH SHIT CHAVO GOT CM PUNK shoot and they show a replay of Batista getting Samoan Spiked and rolling out under the bottom rope to the floor which is where he remains as Triple H comes out and man oh man that really is the best wrestling song isn't it and he knocks Rhodes out and then facebusters Viscera and tosses him and then he facebusters Umaga and yeeeeeeeeeeeeahh he "squares off" with Mick Foley and of course we all recall their awesome awesome awesome match here *in the year 2000* and Triple H fires Foley towards the ropes and both Foley and Elijah Burke go up and out in a heap and that was really cool! Hey we've only got one guy left to go! PEDIGREE ON UMAGA btw. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">JOHN CENA AT NUMBER THIRTY and yeah I remember hearing about this because he was supposed to be *shoot* out for a really long time but came back early or something? The MSG crowd goes absolutely nuts for this despite themselves and Cena is not fucking around here man we have got Carlito out and then Chavo out and woah Mark Henry too so who is still in this: Umaga, Kane, Kennedy, Batista somewhere maybe, and of course Triple H who is right now "trading" with John Cena in the centre of the ring and then Umaga is like fuck this it is time for a SAMOAN SPIKE but just then Batista shows up with a spear and then he clotheslines Kennedy out and after fucking it up a little bit for a sec he clotheslines Umaga out too so our final four consists of Kane, Cena, Batista and Triple H except nope there goes Kane as Batista and Triple H team up to eliminate him and they are probably like "memories man good times right?" and now it is a TAUNT OFF as Batista goes THUMBS DOWN and Cena is like YOU CAN'T SEE ME and Triple H is of the opinion that either or both of these athletes can "suck it" and this is pretty god damn exciting right now! Batista gets the best of things for the first little bit here HOWEVER he is surprisingly clotheslined out by Triple H at his first moment of weakness and vulnerability and YEEEEEEAHHH TRIPLE H VS. JOHN CENA LET US GO THEN YOU AND I and yeeeeeeaaaah they are both pointing at the sign that says "Wrestlemania XXIV" and yeah man that is the deal that is the DEAL. These guys came in at twenty-nine and thirty I remind you. A pretty amazing BOO/YAY takes shape as the two exchange punches and the MSG crowd is pretty goofy man they are like *booooooo Cena* but they went NUTS for his surprise entrance. FINISHERS ARE COMPELLINGLY TEASED but then it is a double clothesline situation and we must all wait for these two to regain their feet and OK now Cena gets Triple H up on his shoulders near the ropes and this could be NOOOOO it is a DDT from Triple H and this is GOOD. Now it is Triple H who has Cena precariously on his shoulders near the ropes but then OH SHIT WILL IT BE A PEDIGREE NOOOOOOO IT IS UP AND OVER AND THAT IS IT JOHN CENA HAS WON THE TOTALLY AWESOME 2008 ROYAL RUMBLE AND THIS IS DEFINITELY ONE OF THE BEST ONES YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hey so here is what else happened (thanks youtube you're the best): </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ric Flair was doing that thing that I had heard about but had not seen where he was going to retire after the next match he lost which I guess culminates in I LOVE YOU AND I'M SORRY at Wrestlemania but here he is merely defeating MVP in a pretty poor match in which Ric Flair looks old and shitty in everything he does *including existing.* I like Ric Flair as much as the next guy but this is no fun at all and just makes me think about that too-long-to-actually-read Grantland breakdown of just how broke Ric Flair is and forever shall be and I mean don't cry for Ric Flair but also he is an old guy making a fool of himself because he has no money and whether that is a deserved thing or not I don't want to see it necessarily. Bunch of shitty stuff that looked awful; figure four.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Next though we get Jericho and JBL and the video package shows some great stuff with JBL choking the shit out of him and LARIATOOOO on the outside and a "promo" where he addresses Jericho's children specifically and he's like "look at the coward you call 'daddy'" and that is pretty heavy. SAVE_US.Y2J is pretty cool imo; this is a guy who knows how to come back to wrestling after not being in wrestling for a while as has become even clearer in the era of the lighted jacket, a jacket and an era that own. lol whenever they tie-up collar-and-elobw stylee it is amazing how much bigger JBL is than Jericho who I mean well Jericho is a little guy who has special boots to make him look taller and we all know that so this should not be shocking to us this disparity in height between these two athletes and yet it kind of is. Jericho hits "THE WALLS" early but alas too near the ropes however when the action "goes to the outside" he lands a baseball slide and tosses JBL into the steps and things appear to be going very much his way! This does not last though as JBL begins to "go to work" on Jericho's injured neck for a while and then there is an admirably large boot also.WOAH OK Jericho has "bladed" in a pretty serious way after going into the ring post and to the outside and if you think it looks cool when wrestlers are bleeding then you would probably be of the opinion that this one looks *very* cool. BOOOOOOOO a total fuck up as Bradshaw just kind of falls on his face despite the one-handed bulldog being not even close at all but let's be honest with each other and more importantly with ourselves and just get it out in the open that one-handed bulldogs are stupid moves that look like shit anyway. Anyway the action goes outside and JBL was uncovering the announce table and Jericho was like "nope" and instead "fuck you *in the face*" at least symbollically as he hits him with a steel chair and then rolls him back into the ring and lol throws the fuckin chair and it hits his damn face again and now he is strangling JBL with some like cables or something and in doing so Y2J is standing on the announce table and JBL is still inside the ring and BAH GAWD Jericho is a bloody mess. Needless to say Jericho is disqualified very early in this sequence of events and this was kind of a shit match with a *fantastic* finish as far as DQs go in what Jim Ross calls "a physical slobberknocker of a match up that got *completely* out of hand."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK now here's Edge defending his World Heavyweight Championship against Rey Mysterio and I think that is a "let's go Edge" chant early on and perhaps the MSG crowd is reflecting on how awesome it was when Edge pretended to have sex with Lita on Raw and a pretend boob got out and for real aired on TV. Let me say that my interest in and appreciation of Rey Mysterio has indeed been renewed by watching his fine performance in the Royal Rumble of two years prior. Hey so Edge has in his corner a wheelchair-bound Vickie Guerrero who I like but who must only really have gotten work because everybody felt bad about how Eddie's heart got so shitty from wrestling drugs that he could not survive a particularly vigorous toothbrushing which I am not making light of man that shit is tragic and also Curt Hawkins and yeaaaaah Zach Ryder are in his corner too for like a minute until they are "sent to the back" by the referee who I think had been the ECW referee Mickey? So this is a pretty good match with plenty of *moves* and such and the crowd is squarely pro Edge and is booing Mysterio on the reg like fuck you Rey Mysterio you are "the ultimate underdog" and we hate that. Edge's approach here is to focus on Mysterio's legs in an attempt to "ground" the "high flier" and this seems sound. Every now and again he will look to the crowd after laying Mysterio out and the crowd is like YEEEEAAAAHHHH. Mysterio has a little comeback here though and he does this thing where he jumps off the top rope and just lands with both feet on Edge's stomach and that looks pretty cool AS DOES HIS HEAD-FIRST SLIDING DDT TO THE OUTSIDE woah that was cool. He is "cut off" however by a big boot that Edge actually doesn't have to raise any higher than like thigh high thus making it a thigh-high boot which can be an enticing look sometiems. There is some 619ery after a missed spear but Vickie Guerrero who was apparently faking it intervenes a couple of times and then when Mysterio tries to jump in off the top rope he gets SPEARED in mid-air and EDGE RETAINS and there was nothing wrong with that match guys. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Finally there is World Wrestling Entertainment Champion Randall K. Orton defending that august title against Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy and this was actually really good too! There was a video package that showed old photographs of a young Randall toddlechilling with the likes of Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant as we were informed that Orton was born and raised to be a professional wrestling champion and then clips of Jeff Hardy doing ridiculous and awesome things informed us that Hardy is EXTREEEEME and finally there were clips of Matt Hardy getting "punted" and I think there was some kind of talk about an appendix or something. But all of that was pretty good and then I really liked the entrances here for some reason, not that there was anything all that out of the ordinary to them I guess: Jeff Hardy came out and did his goofy rhythmic pelvic thrusting whilst the girlies went *eeeeeeeee* and then Orton came out and walked like *so* slowly and with *such* smugness that idk it just seemed great. I expected this match to consist of a number of increasingly bananas "spots" however it was for the most part a methodically worked championship match that did not go on forever or anything but slowly built towards a part where Hardy got in all his sick moves in a row like that one where he runs up the turnbuckle and corkscrew dives off and it's the "whisper in the wind" or something and then he attempted a moonsault to the floor which he kind of missed a little or maybe Orton was in the wrong spot idk but the end result was Orton getting murdered by Hardy's knees and Hardy getting pretty much no support on the way to the floor and it looked cool. Back in the ring Hardy went for the "twist of fate" which is not a bad name for such a move but OMG RKO OUT OF NOWHERE and that was that. They tried to do the Benoit 2003 thing where the challenger who nearly won the title stays out after the champion leaves and the challenger receives a rousing ovation but all Hardy got was like respectful applause. This is not to suggest that the crowd had not been into him or the match: there had been really good LET'S GO HARDY/LET'S GO ORTON chants for a while there and there should have been because they both did a good job.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yeah so I watched this one all out of order and broken up which perhaps gives one a slightly odd sense of the thing as a whole but this was EXCELLENT in my view as the two titles matches were Very Good Matches and the JBL/Jericho finish was admirably gross even if the match wasn't much and the Royal Rumble proper was REALLY EXCITING so yeah this one of the best of these for sure imo.</span><br />
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<br /></div>ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-34208698429277061072012-01-31T11:13:00.001-08:002012-01-31T11:24:58.236-08:002007 ROYAL RUMBLE<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ALRIGHT SO HERE ARE THE KINDS OF THINGS THAT HAPPEN AT THE 2007 ROYAL RUMBLE LIVE FROM SAN ANTONIO TEXAS *BEFORE* UMAGA CHALLENGES JOHN CENA TO A LAST MAN STANDING MATCH AND CHANGES HISTORY FOREVER: The Hardys and MNM go surprisingly long in an entirely competent but unthrilling match that has the potential to be quite rad as it comes not long after Joey Mercury's face was utterly destroyed by an errant ladder but in the end the contest offers no pleasures more lasting or substantial than Melina's ring entrance; ECW oh yeah right they totally brought that back for a bit didn't they Champion Bobby Lashley defeated fucking Test by countout in a match that was already sucking long before Test responded to a belly-to-belly suplex and a clothesline by walking out of the match and man the whole reason you even *have* title matches is to ensure that there will be at least *some* professional wrestling matches that will never have Test in them and this match betrayed that trust and it is the greatest indictment of the "brand extension" system that I have yet seen; and in a contest between two guys who are basically rad ring entrances Big Dave held on to his Big Gold Belt despite the best efforts of Mr. Kennedy who I recall seeing in a "dark" match before the Smackdown(!) taping in Toronto that I have mentioned to you previously and I believe he was working with a slightly different name or something but look I liked that old-timey announcer entrance as much and indeed perhaps *more* than the next guy but it is not enough to sustain an entire dude and let me add that you can have the challenger work over the champion's leg forever all you want man *all you want* but it does not mean you are going to get Bret Hart vs. Diesel out of Mr. Kennedy vs. Batista and finally on the subject of this why would you give the bad guy the "visual" pin during the ref bump like are you *that* committed to making this dude menacing or something because I mean *fuck's sake.* This is all to say that I have not been enjoying this particular Royal Rumble undercard and the let's-check-in-with-the-respective-General-Managers-and-also-dudes-drawing-numbers-near-a-sexy-ladaaay bits are worse than usual, the only highlight coming when Kelly Kelly goes "hi Edge my name is Kelly Kelly and I'm an exhibitionist" and in response Edge basically talks like Beaker from the Muppets for about eight seconds. There was a bit where Kelly was holding two of the balls and she is like lol I am holding balls and Ron Simmons comes out and is like "DAMN" (what up peot?). Also I think that when they try to do *serious tension* surrounding the draw, the seriousness and tension is undermined by the fact that the numbers come in those little balls that are basically the ones you get from vending machines with little things in them or like idk like kinder eggs or something and so you'll have two dudes looking all hard at each other and then one will open their little number pokéball and it goes *bwurp* and then the other guy opens his and it goes *bwurp* and it is a funny noise man not a serious noise.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BUT FUCK ALL THAT IT IS TIME FOR UMAGA AND JOHN CENA LAST MAN STANDING and I probably hadn't seen a single wrestling match start to finish in a calender year when somebody on this very internet was like "ok everybody watch this it is incredible" and I DID and IT TOTALLY WAS and since that time I cannot but reflect upon the awesomeness of this match whenever anyone on the internet is like "nnnnwwwwwaaaaiiiiii don't like John Cena or think he is any good" but I have not watched it since very soon after it happened so I am VERY interested to see how well it holds up these five years later. Here comes Umaga straight from the island of fucking SAMOA and he is fucking yelling SAMOA and does he have like a whole bunch of gold teeth because he is a BOSS and he has been accompanied to the ring by a dude in a hat also; they call him "Estrada." OH HEY a quick visit to wikipedia tells me that Umaga is Jamaal of Three-Minute warning and also that he is the younger brother of RIKISHI AKA FATU and you might very well be of the opinion that I am pro wres stupid for not knowing those things and honestly I can muster no credible defense to those charges but more pressingly right now Umaga is "taking it" to John Cena and his injured ribs, ribs injured I believe when Umaga put Cena through a fuckin table with a splash off the top turnbuckle recently. Cena tries to bounce Umaga's head off the apron but come on dog don't you know that Umaga is SAMOAN and wrestling is TOTALLY RACIST and usually that is AWFUL but right now it OWNS. My thoughts turn to something I believe I picked up from the "dirt sheets" and that is the notion that the role of Umaga was first offered to indie great "Samoa" Joe who declined and elected to work for TNA and of course he has gone on to toil in relative obscurity whilst Umaga main evented WWE pay per views and cashed fat fuckin cheques like the boss that he was until he failed a bunch of drug tests and then tranq'd himself to death OH SHIT CLOTHESLINE YEEEEAHHH and Cena is down but of course not yet out and then lololol OK pretty much *right* after Cena is up the next thing you know he chucks the fuckin ring steps from inside the very ring to which those steps stepped and they hit Umaga in the head and I am feeling this match in a very real way.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One wonders what Umaga plans to do with the bottom half of the ring steps that he has just carried into the ring. I want to know *right away* but I am willing to wait because I think it is going to be so incredibly great. Yeah that was pretty cool: Cena was propped up against the steps and Umaga charged at him from the opposite corner but Cena moved and Umaga went in haaaaaaaard and now Cena comes off the top but he is CAUGHT and "tilt-a-whirl slammed" with extreme prejudice. I remind you that John Cena came into the match with a rib injury and I would further remind you that John Cena is capable of *selling his ass off* when the occasion warrants and this is one such occasion. YEEEEEAH Cena with a slam onto the steel steps and now he is contending that he cannot be seen and it is time for the "Five-Knuckle Shuffle" on the steps and then Cena is of the opinion that is time for the Attitude Adjustment or I guess it was still called the F-U on the steps but he hasn't the strength and he falls in such a way that wedged between Umaga's girth and "the cold hard steel" is his fuckin face and next comes the "blade job" and there is a Cena sucks chant right now and it is unforgivable to be of that view at this moment imo. LET'S GO CENA/CENA SUCKS are the dueling chants that you know well. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAA YEAH CENA WITH THE COMEBACK CUTOFF BY THE SICKEST SAMOAN DROP EVER which lol JR actually refers to as a *slobberknocking* Samoan drop and is it time for the "Samoan Spike" NO it is NOT because it was blocked however Cena soon thereafter finds himself hanging upside down from the top turnbuckle in the "tree of woe" position and Umaga charges at him but he totally moves and then Cena lands a top rope leg drop out of the corner which was pretty cool.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">John Cena is bleeding A LOT by the time he hits Umaga's head and mostly the ring post I guess *really hard* with a television monitor. JEEEEEESUS CHRIST OK OK OK here is what just happened: Umaga laid Cena out on the ECW announce table and he goes not one but *two* announce tables over and runs across yeah the Raw table and the Smackdown table that's right and LEAPS and DIVES and Cena MOVES and Umaga is THROUGH THE TABLE and also DOWN and that was AWESOME and it gave us a nine count that was just as exciting as a 2.9999999 in a great title match and that is the first time that has ever happened in any Last Man Standing match ever. That wasn't cool enough though so now Estrada has dismantled the top turnbuckle and thus the top rope lays in ruins and Umaga is yelling shit about Samoa and he is going to run this metal deal right through Cena "Samoan Spike" style but Cena ducks and it is an FU and then an STFU in which he is *choking the shit* out of Umaga with the ring rope not once but twice and that is it man that is the finish in this the fucking Citizen Kane-times-a-billion of Last Man Standing matches and Cena is just standing around looking fucked up and no matter how hard Cena works and he always looks like he's working hard he is never going to top this one is he. FUCK MAN THAT WAS A COOL MATCH THOUGH. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Backstage Sandman hits himself in the head with a rattan cane and then Kelly Kelly and some other ladies dance with Ric Flair who responds by saying "Woo" and now it is time for the ROYAL RUMBLE and they play a video montage of past glories and it is really good. HISTORY. LEGACY. CONTROVERSY. DESTINY. These are the words we are asked to keep in mind as we consider this "the most star-studded" Royal Rumble in history in which for the first time ECW "extremists" join Raw and Smackdown "superstars" and I get "pretty worked up" because "Royal Rumbles are awesome" except for the ones that are "really shitty" and "even then" they are still "kind of neat." Once again we are looking at a ninety-second situation here and I have I think at last made my peace with that. WOOOOO ladies and gentlemen it is "Nature Boy" Ric Flair in at number one and he is wearing once of the best robes of his entire career and I mean just think about that for a second and who will be number two lol MY NAME IS FINLAY AND I LOVE TO FIGHT and he has brought his Irish Twacking Stick with him but he is not actually permitted to bring it into the ring which is a good call on the part of the referees. Finlay and Flair exchange blows in the corner until Flair is "Irish" whipped amirite into the far corner and then they do more of that. Flair looks so fuckin old right now man. I have no idea who Kenny Dykstra is but it is worth noting that his name sounds an awful lot like Lenny Dykstra who actually could be a real threat in a Royal Rumble context if given the chance and I believe he is looking for work currently so who knows. Matt Hardy is in next and you will recall that he already "worked" like a twenty minute match tonight so one wonders how much he has "in the tank." JBL who is on commentary alongside Lawler and Michael Cole points out that the Royal Rumble "is the closest thing we have to an endurance event in sports entertainment" and that I think the Iron Man match might count too but the Royal Rumble is way better so I am happy to let that slide.*zrrrrrrrrrrrrnn* you think you know me BADADADADADADADADADADA ON THIS DAAAAAAY Edge is in and he is a current tag team champion alongside Randy Orton in "Rated RKO" or something and he spears Flair right away but soon thereafter Ric Flair goes outside and grabs a couple of chairs but it is merely a tease as nobody gets hit with one and Edge eliminates Flair and then that Dyskstra fellow and now it is time for TOMMY DREAMER WHO IS STUPID AND SUCKS YEEEEEEEAAAHH LOOK AT HIS INCREDIBLY SHITTY BODY AND KITTEN-TOUGH STRIKES AND NO MOVES. I get that he is supposed to be an everyman but literally *every man* is better than Tommy Dreamer at literally everything so fuck him he sucks. Here comes SABU who like Tommy Dreamer is an ECW guy but who unlike Tommy Dreamer *is so awesome* and he sets up a table just outside the ring right away. We are told that he is homicidal and genocidal and suicidal and I honestly have never understood why they went with "genocidal" and not because I am of the view that genocide is inappropriate in almost every circumstance I can think of (though that is truly my deeply held belief) but because it doesn't make all that much sense like which ethnic groups in particular should be worried about Sabu exactly? It has never been clear to me but I didn't watch ECW TV so idk maybe it was addressed at some point and I just don't know about it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Gregory Helms who has apparently held the Cruiserweight Championship that he won at the previous Royal Rumble for the entire year is in next and one wonders if he has held that title so long because nobody could be bothered with the Cruiserweight division just like "uh no it's cool Helms you 'go over' again tonight it is fine." And now Shelton Benjamin. There have been a lot of teases of dudes going out and through that table but it hasn't happened yet. Maybe Sabu will just like dive through it or something. In at number ten it is *BOOOOOOM FLAAAAAAAAAAME* Kane and he "tilt-a-whirl" powerslams Helms and chokeslams Edge and tosses Tommy Dreamer which is cool because fuck you Tommy Dreamer and lololol yeah ok Kane just chokeslammed Sabu from the apron to the table and that's about right. CM PUNK YEAH he is looking to make his mark in this his first Royal Rumble and JBL thinks that because Punk neither drinks nor does drugs he is boring but I mean I am like that too and I am maybe the most interesting guy ever so take that with a grain of salt basically. This is not a groundbreaking view that I am sharing with you or anything but CM Punk is awesome and I like the rest of you no doubt have been of this view since the days when I followed him on livejournal remember livejournal me neither and his ascendance represents the triumph of the indie Fire Pro ethic and aesthetic over all lesser pretend fighting ethics and aesthetics in my view (this is *not quite* to be confused with the rampant and indeed at times excessive suplexery that marked a slightly earlier era). Also to the extent that his current persona is bounded by irony and nostalgia he is in effect professional wrestling's first true hipster. Anyway more on CM Punk later probably or at least in future Royal Rumbles but for now I will just say that I ordered one of his shirts yeah that's right and you know what else *it arrived.* KING BOOKER is in and he eliminates Gregory Helms and then it is SUPER CRAZY who has "joined the fray" and Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy is next and his abdominal region is too hurt from earlier action tonight to do his goofy little pelvic thrusting thing which is disappointing to the girlies who like to go *eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee* and note that I am not disparaging them for liking to do that. The Hardys do a bunch of tag team moves on guys.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In next is the Sandman and he enters from the crowd because he is one of us I guess and he hits a few guys with his cane and then Booker who is definitely having his best Royal Rumble to date tosses him out unceremoniously and now it is Randy Orton who is in and he and Edge are tag team champions I remind you. They "waste no time" in eliminating Super Crazy which is too bad because we are all fond of Super Crazy and lol the crowd is like *AAAAAAAAAAAAH boooooooooooooooooo* when that happens. Edge and Orton eliminate both Hardys next and the girlies are like *nooooooooo.* It's just Benjamin, Orton, Edge, Punk, Booker, Finlay, and Kane in there as lol the United States Champion Chris Benoit enters what I believe will be his final Royal Rumble and he is totally running amok in there but lol not like he's going to. He gets like five German suplexes in on various dudes and others he merely chops. Try to imagine if you will just how weird Benoit would have looked in just like regular trunks. RRRRRRRR VVVVVVVVVV DDDDDDDDDDD is next and he is the only man to ever hold the ECW and WWE Championships at the same time lol remember that? He is totally loved by all and deservedly so. Kane just tossed King Booker which is too bad but oh hey in a show of poor sportsmanship unbefitting royalty Booker reenters the ring and clotheslines Kane over the top rope and they are counting that so really it was just that one time with Shawn Michaels where they were like "no no no doesn't count we're still good." Sexy Viscera is in next in a shimmery white ensemble that is not slimming but is quite fresh. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We are all the way up to number twenty and it is Johnny Nitro who I like to call "John Morrison" and he is pretty good and he has wicked abs bro and my man Matt at judo one time was like "hey you know who is good on wrestling? John Morrison" and I was like "oh yeah why is that?" and he was like "he does cool lifts and stuff." Matt's a good guy but he's not out much any more. And here is Kevin Thorn who I guess is a vampire and at this risk of being no fun I am going to say that I don't like vampires in wrestling very much. They show a replay of Shelton Benjamin's near elimination of a moment ago in which he was dangling such that it wasn't even his feet that were the issue but instead his *knees* and now it is Bob Holly who is still awful. Punk and Benoit have paired off in the corner and if I am not mistaken Punk was going to wrestle Chris Benoit in the match that did not occur because of Benoit's *future endeavouring* of those nearest him right? Hey so if I did not like Degeneration-X the first time around guess how much I liked its return that's right *not at all* and here is a dude who is fifty and balding and crippled basically and he is like YOU THINK YOU CAN TELL US WHAT TO WEAR? BREAK IT DOWN but whatever basically because Shawn Michaels has always been really good *except* right there where he messed up eliminating Finlay a little and it looked shitty. The hometown hero HBK superkicks Viscera and then a bunch of dudes pushed Big Daddy V out just as HBK backdropped Benjamin up and over. Chris Masters is in at number twenty-four and JBL characterizes him as having a million-dollar body and a nickel brain and OH HEY John Morrison was on the top turnbuckle for a sec and Benoit lept at him sent him tumbling out. Sorry Matt :(</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">*ooooooo CHAVO* is a great way to start some theme music isn't it and OK Benoit just got rid of the vampire guy Kevin Thorn or whatever and man there are not that many more dudes to come! Five more! Could totally be some cool guys! Montel Vontavious Porter most definitely qualifies as "a cool guy" in my view and it is crazy how he got sentenced to like a *ton* of years despite being sixteen when he got up to those admittedly fairly adult shenanigans such as armed robbery and kidnapping or whatever it was that I was shocked to learn when I went to his wikipedia page a while ago. His Wrestlemania entrance with the cheerleaders is among the best ever btw. RVD eliminates Chris Masters with a pretty wussy dropkick but idk the man can just do no wrong in my eyes so I applaud him here as always. Yeah we are two for two as far as cool guys go because next out it is Carlito. Hmmm not sure if The Great Khali breaks the streak or not because while he is hard to watch he did legitimately kill a man whilst learning how to playfight which is tragic and horrible but possibly also kind of cool? Everything he does looks incredibly shitty and he's got the *weirdest* boobs but everyone is bouncing around for him and that's fine because he's huge and there goes Holly at his giant hands and the Miz comes in and he's gone too and lol OK Khali is on a bit of a tear here as there goes RVD and Punk and Carlito and Chavo and I approve of this turn of events *wholeheartedly.* Khali wrestled at a "house show" that I attended at the historic Halifax Forum in the fall and lol he did not carry a lot of the action in that particular tag team contest but it was neat to see him because he was huge! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">YEEEEAH IN AT NUMBER THIRTY IS THE FUCKIN UNDERTAKER AND HE USUALLY SUCKS AT THE ROYAL RUMBLE BUT PERHAPS NOT THIS TIME and everyone else is just laying around while the Undertaker and Khali go at it and yeah OK cool it is a clothesline elimination of THE GREAT KHALI however kind of to my surprise I think Undertaker gets booed a little bit as he "goes old school" on MVP who he subsequently eliminates but LOOK OUT UNDERTAKER MVP HAS FED ORTON A CHAIR and lol yeah Orton laid the Undertaker out pretty good. AH HA we have some dissension in team Rated RKO as Edge *may* have plausibly been lining up the Undertaker for a spear but RKO interpreted the situation differently and believed Edge to be plotting against him! They put these differences aside however and after Orton RKOs Shawn Michaels your tag team champions go at the Undertaker *ensemble* and this is a pretty cool final four and woooaahhh that is a pretty good "blade job" from the Undertaker coming off that "chair shot" and OK cool the Undertaker had Orton all set for a chokeslam but Edge was like SPEAR and this is really very good right now. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Is a "concerto" taking shape? It would certainly appear that way however ZOMG IT IS HBK and he backdrops Orton out and superkicks Edge and now Michaels and the Undertaker are both laid out in the middle of the ring and I would imagine what they are going to do here is lol yeah the Undertaker sits up and HBK kips up soon thereafter and that was pretty cool! It has been *some* time has it not since we have seen the Undertaker and Shawn Michaels do things? Yes I believe it has. Shawn Michaels looks really good taking these big flippy bumps in the corner and OK the Undertaker misses a BIG BOOT to the corner and he is out and on the apron and oh OK they are both back in lol I thought that was going to be it; I have been *worked.* A later big boot very much finds its mark and one wonders if maybe *that* is pretty much it as JBL points out that Michaels has season tickets IN THIS VERY BUILDING to watch the Spurs and I bet they're good seats! Now they are both in like a superplex position for a while and you think OK perhaps THIS is it BUT IT IS NOT and will we get a top-rope elbow second *only* to the Macho Man's as the raddest of top-rope elbows YUSSSSSSSS WE DOOOOOOO and everybody is on their feet as Shawn Michaels *tunes up the band* BUT NOOOOO IT IS A CHOKESLAM INDEED A CHOKESLAM "FROM THE HEAVENS" AS MICHAEL COLE SAYS and the Undertaker has just made the throat-slashing gesture that gets athletes in lesser sports fined OOOOOOHHHHHHH SWEET CHIN MUSIC this is rad. The Undertaker fights his feet along the ropes as Shawn Michaels lines him up for a second superkick and "shades" of 1996 but the woozy Undertaker ducks and and just lifts him out like *boop* and that was AWESOME AT THE END GUYS *AWESOME.* Also earlier John Cena and Umaga did well.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ps undertaker shirts *are* awesome alice glass of crystal castles you bet</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-75826493443761251942012-01-31T11:12:00.000-08:002012-01-31T11:12:20.901-08:002006 ROYAL RUMBLE<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">THIS 2006 ROYAL RUMBLE HAS BEEN PRETTY SHITTY at least up until the Royal Rumble match itself but let me briefly recap the events that have transpired so far beneath the banner of this ancient-Roman-gladiatorial-or-something-themed World Wrestling Entertainment Pay Per View extravaganza. The first match was a six-man tornado-style contest for the now mercifully defunct Cruiserweight Championship between Kid Kash, Jamie Noble, Funaki, a non-Hurricane Gregory Helms, Nunzio, and Paul London who is my rooting interest here based solely on how awesome it was when Snitsky clotheslined him off the apron in the previous year's Royal Rumble. This match is *busy* man just crazy busy which is what you would expect and I am not about to tell you that were not some cool moves because on the contrary there were such as a top-rope swinging neckbreaker and a pretty sick brainbuster and best of all a "shooting star press" off the top turnbuckle to the outside and lol the dudes charged with the task of catching Paul London kind of fucked that up a little bit on that one. In the end Gregory Helms who is significantly uglier than I thought he would be won the match after a "shining wizard" which is a technique or *waza* that everybody was pretty into for a while there weren't they. Also on the topic of "waza" at one point Tazz was like "hey that's a cross arm breaker also known as a 'juji gatame' and it's a great technique" and I was like yuuusssssssssssss.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then we get some backstage vignettes in which wrestlers visit Vince McMahon to draw their numbers for the Royal Rumble and unsurprisingly our egotistical chairman is surrounded by a bevy of tittering *sexy ladies* consisting of Torrie Wilson and I think that's Candace Michelle and that is definitely Victoria and I feel kind of bad for Victoria because really she should be out there dropping vertebreakers on cats not sitting on Vince McMahon's lap but sometimes not always but sometimes wrestling can be sexist. Randy Orton selects his number whilst attired in one of those pretty cool "rKo" shirts styled after the nWo shirts of yore and then Triple H comes in and there is *tension* and at this point Triple H had gone full Lemmy/surly Harley Race with his facial hair and his t-shirt has a great big iron cross and then a pile of skulls so he is probably a horrible Third Reich apologist or maybe he just likes things that are cool looking idk. Triple H delivers some *risqué* lines here like "Torrie would you open your box for me" and "Candace would you hold my ball" which actually makes him sound like a monorchid and then when Triple H draws a number that we are meant to understand to have been unfavourable to him he gives this WHUH? facial reaction which is somewhat broader that one would expect from a man who would go on to star alongside Parker Posey and Michael Rappaport in a feature film but who am I to judge such matters. They do another one of these later where Big Show can't fit his hand in the thing you know the *thing* because he is a giant and so a ladaaaay has to draw his number for him and Vince is like "lol looks a blue ball" and he is the only one who lols in the entire universe at that moment. Rey Mysterio comes in and is like hi everybody I am going to be blessed by Eddie Guerrero tonight because he is *shoot* dead now after a deeply troubling toothbrushing incident what is good. However when he draws his number it is difficult to tell whether Eddie has helped him draw a good number or if he has become a trickster figure this ethereal Guerrero and has instead bestowed upon him a bad number and I am not sure if this is a deliberate ambiguity in the performance or if Rey Mysterio stinks at acting well let me rephrase that because I *know* Rey Mysterio stinks at acting but maybe this was his crowning moment of it or something. I went to a Smackdown(!) taping in Toronto when they were in the midst of the Eddie/Rey paternity issue or whatever it was exactly and I don't know how all of that came off on television but "in the building" it was a turkey man a turkey.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Also backstage Mickie James tells Trish Stratus that she loves her and then Stratus referees a match between James and "Ashley" who is a "Diva Search" "winner" and man oh man is she ever "green" out there like arguably the worst in-ring wrestling performer I have ever seen and the only thing that pulls me through this match is the memory that at some point Mickie James taunted an opponent in such a way that strongly suggested *the licking of pussy* and while I genuinely do prefer my pretend fighting to be squarely PG in nature that was a hell of a thing for real. Also this Royal Rumble show is going to feature Edge at the height of his Rated-R Superstardom and in the opening montage tonight there were all kinds of shots of that time he had pretend sex with Lita LIVE ON RAW and that whole deal was pretty great iirc and lol Matt Hardy got fired. Anyway Mickie James wins but you seriously wouldn't believe how poor Ashley is in this and really you just feel bad for her because there is no reason somebody who couldn't do the most basic stuff should be "working" in front of a crowd at all let alone at the prestigious 2006 Royal Rumble right? The final pre-Rumble match saw JBL accompanied by Jillian Hall bested by The BOOGEYMAN who is like some kind of racialist living nightmare of tribal blackness or something and he eats worms and symbolically rapes the blonde-haired presumably blue-eyed (but I am not checking) Jillian Hall before the match and after a pump-handle slam on the man who failed in his racial duty to protect her it is like lol WELCOME EVERYONE TO PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So as I say this has been pretty shitty so far but the Royal Rumble proper is up next and I always *always* expect the best however isn't it weird to put the Rumble on in the middle of the show? I would literally never do that if I had my hands on "the book" and in time it is likely that I will. Once again the match is organized at least loosely around this being fifteen dudes from Raw and fifteen from Smackdown(!) and it would seem that Rey Mysterio is dedicating his performance in this 2006 Royal Rumble to the memory of his fallen bro and so is this maybe the one he wins? Also did I maybe watch this one at O'Grady's? Only time will tell! If the answer to either of those two questions is "yes" then this the last one I saw for a while. In place of prerecorded comments from a bunch of guys we instead get a pretty rad video package highlighting a number of dudes and things and yeah it's exciting. OK so we have finally reached the post-Finkel era as Lillian Garcia is in there to explain the premise to us and idk man she seems nice HOWEVER she is interrupted by the Spirit Squad who I had completely forgotten about but who were *awesome* and they do a cheer and lol I love it. "Ladies and gentlemen," Lillian Garcia says, "I have been asked to say 'let's hear it for the Spirit Squad'" ahahaha that was *great*. Once again we are looking at ninety-second intervals and I guess I am going to just have to accept that going forward as it appears to have become standard at this point.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We learn straight away that Triple H was right to respond like WHUH? when he drew his number because as it turns out it is number one and you know what the number one entry should *always* be somebody who could plausibly win the Royal Rumble like a guy who as soon as he comes out at number one you are like "you know what I could totally see them have this guy go the distance" because then it plants a seed man it plants a *seed.* lol ok there is this one guy in the crowd wearing a "'beater" as it is known and he fuckin loves him some Triple H hahaha he is *awesome* let me screencap this business for you:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In all honesty I feel *exactly* like that guy feels during Triple H's entrance because it is pretty much the best entrance in the history of pretending to fight and iirc Bill Simmons aka The Sports Guy once said in passing that he would pay like $3000 or something to do Triple H's entrance on the condition that people would respond to him the way they do to Triple H and although I am almost certainly remembering that number wrong it is nevertheless a fair price imo and is perhaps revealing of what value I myself would place on such an experience? Who can say. Rey Mysterio is in at number two and he comes out in a "low rider" and an Eddie Guerrero t-shirt and let me say first of all that going forward I will hold no distinction between he who enters first and wins the Rumble and he who enters second and does the same because it is the same feat and as was first pointed out to us years ago number two is perhaps a *worse* draw than number one in certain circumstances. Another thing I would like to say and this is really kind of a confession and that is that in the last few years I have found myself a little bit tired of Rey Mysterio and it hurts me to say that a little but it is nevertheless true and it's not like he is no longer good at all the things that he does in fact he is still *very* good at them but I just don't care as much as I would like to in all honesty. But if anything is going to reinvigorate the feelings that I *should* have about Rey Mysterio it is this the Royal Rumble which maybe he goes the distance in and wins. The match begins very well indeed because both Rey Mysterio and Triple H have what a little league coach of my youth would call "an idea out there" and then Simon Dean comes out on a segway and lol man I totally liked that character. Mysterio and Triple H do away with him in short order and PSYCOSIS BABY YEAH of the Mexicools is out next but fares not much better as he is head-scissored over the top by well why don't you guess if it was by Rey Mysterio or Triple H. Now we have "Nature Boy" Ric Flair and he and Triple H go at it pretty good here and at first I am like wtf I thought they were bros but Michael Cole who is calling this match *quite well* alongside Jerry Lawler reminds me that these two had some BLOODY BRAWLS late in the previous year and then I am like "oh yeah." Triple H backdrops Flair out before the next competitor is called and when that competitor is called he is called the Big Show and yeah that's right I use the article when I refer to him. Triple is doing some Flairesque selling for the Big Show but he is putting his own unique stamp on it and look I will say it again Triple H is just really good at wrestling professionally and while I acknowledge that that is by no means *all* there is to it it is at least a thing worth mentioning. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Another thing perhaps worth mentioning: two like heralds or something open this big swinging gate for each dude to enter through and it is *not a cool thing* and out next is Coachman but the Big Show pie-faces him out immediately and this very same Show presses Triple H straight over head and then chops Triple H in the corner and lol now he has wobbly legs Triple H does. Rey Mysterio has taken a powder for like the last four minutes btw. Out comes Bobby Lashley who arguably works out and we are told that he is at this point undefeated and is the upcoming Wrestlemania the one where Lashley wrestles as Donald Trump's proxy and Trump could never remember the guy's name when he was promoting the match and always seemed just short of referring to him as "my black" or something? Maybe that's the one after the next one; I'm not checking. Lashley and the Big Show who honestly I keep wanting to call "The Giant" which is a much better name imo do some fairly compelling stuff while Triple H and Mysterio chill and next out we have Kane and I *think* the crowd briefly chants LET'S GO KANE but I'm not sure. Lashley belly-to-belly suplexes Kane and not long after hits him with a the black nationalist finishing technique sometimes called THE DOMINATOR and it's pretty cool! Sylvan Grenier is the next to enter but Lashley tosses him after like fifteen seconds. In kind of a cool thing both Kane and the Big Show chokeslam Lashley at once and then toss him out and surely no one could hold that against Lashley. Triple H is basically asleep in one corner while Mysterio is struggling in the other while Kane and the Big Show are in double goozle position along the ropes and HEEEEY TRIPLE H ELIMINATES BOTH OF YOUR TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS in a single tipping and it's particularly exciting tipping because he had been out of it totally for ages.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Carlito is in next and I like him but I think the I SPIT APPLES INTO THE HEAD AND NECK AREA OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO HAVE THE AUDACITY TO THINK THEY ARE COOL WHEN IN FACT THE REALITY IS LARGELY TO THE CONTRARY preamble to his music is cumbersome. Carlito and Rey have a cool exchange that culminates in a fuckin backcracker *par excellence* and Rey makes the best selling sounds man they are like the complete opposite of Lex Luger's worst-ever selling sounds. Everyone else ever falls somewhere betwen those two polarities. AND NOW CHRIS BENOIT who suplexes and chops dudes until he Crippler Crossfaces Carlito which is not a great move *strategically* as it allows Triple H to "get the drop on him* and in a really cool bit Benoit is on the apron and Triple H is on the inside and they tease suplexes for a *really* long time until Triple H puts him on the top turnbuckle and so we are thinking OK cool let's get a superplex here BUT NO it ends up being a swandive headbutt (why do I call it that? is that what they call it in Fire Pro?) and yeah that was great. United States champion BOOKER T comes to the ring at number thirteen (they are displaying the numbers which again might be too much knowledge and I am increasingly a Tiresius not an Oedipus on this one and forgive me if that is an analogy I have already used in these pages) and he is accompanied by his lovely wife however Benoit puts him out right away and man Booker T really sucks at Royal Rumbles. Here comes Joey Mercury accompanied by Melina and wait are their two sets of tag team champions at this point? Anyway he is wearing a tag team title tucked into his waistband and hanging down in front like an immaculate golden dong and there can be no doubt that Joey Mercury is not as cool as John Morrison. Benoit suplexes him.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">lol it is TATANKA in at number fifteen and sure why the hell not and he is looking good out there man just straight up TOMAHAWK CHOPPIN' dudes and yipping and now the crowd is doing the Seminoles/Braves chant thing and by any reasonable standard the return of Tatanka has to be considered an unqualified success only sixty seconds in. Here comes JOHNNY NITRO who is a man with abdominal muscles and ooooooooh Benoit had Triple H on the apron but "The Game" is still alive and to this Royal Rumble midpoint has been the best guy there. Trevor Murdoch is aptly described by Jerry "The King" Lawler as "looking like a big bottle of milk" and yeah there is a certain Bulldog Bob Brownishness to his physical appearance and they are *really* playing on this "EDDIE GUERRERO IS LOOKING DOWN FROM HEAVEN AND SAVES HIS DEAR FRIEND REY FROM ELIMINATION ONCE AGAIN" stuff. Eugene is in and remember when the thing that concerned us on the internet was how Chris Benoit was the World Heavyweight Champion but his matches were overshadowed by the Triple H vs. Eugene feud but then later it became like lol I wish the thing we were concerned about Chris Benoit on the internet was that he was the World Heavyweight Champion but his matches were overshadowed by the Triple H vs. Eugene feud. Road Warrior Animal of the Legion of Doom got fat and also he is the guy to make a surprising return to the Royal Rumble next. Lawler is doing shtick and Micheal Cole is like it's good that you've got that fresh material King to help the evening roll along and I am like "lol." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ROOOOOB VAAAAAAAAAN DAAAAAAAAAAAM is back apparently from injury and he is as "over" as his punches to the chin of Triple H are "shitty" which is to say *extremely* and I love RVD man I used him on Fire Pro while I was in the bathroom *just last night* as he eliminates Animal here and now it is Orlando Jordan who I think was pretty good. The RVD chants continue here at the sold-out American Airlines Arena in Miami which looks like a very fine building except that there are two really wide aisles in sight of the main camera view which look for all the world like empty seats and it is a little bit distracting but not *too* distracting so I will be OK don't worry. "OOOOOOOH CHAAAAAAAAAVO" is what the girlies say but you have put on a little weight haven't you Chavito and the crowd chants "Eddie" and Chavo does a little shuffly Eddie dance and then hits the "three amigos" in tribute to his dead wrestler uncle who was more like a dead wrestler brother to him and he goes up top but oh no has been pushed to the floor by "The Cerebral Assassin"! OOOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHH DUN DA DUN DA dA DUNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNN MATT HARDY and man people loved the Hardy Boyzzz didn't they. We've got quite a crowd at the moment and that crowd consists of Triple H , Mysterio, RVD, Eugene, Nitro, Mercury, Tatanka, Jordan, Carlito, Hardy, Murcdoch, and Benoit. MNM eliminate Tatanka just in time for SUPER CRAZY to hit the ring and come off the top with a "cross body" on both Nitro and Mercury and Super Crazy covers his entire body with attire because of shame. Triple H keeps on getting near-eliminated in case you were wondering what he has been doing. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Shawn Michaels *thinks* he's cute, but *knows* he's sexy and everybody is bouncing around for his little pitterpat right hands in deference to his many years of excellence inside the squared circle which is very nice of them. Trevor Murdoch dives out over "HBK" who has pulled the top rope down in a maneuver that recalls "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan's elimination of the One Man Gang to win the inaugural Royal Rumble match so many years ago and lol here is Chris Masters who had the utter gall to go off steroids for like a *second* and Triple H on air was like "lol u r skinny bro why so skinny" and it was pretty cool. Who do we have at number twenty seven well it is the "world's largest love machine" which in this case is Viscera and I guess WWE "creative" thought that very large black men who were interested in tha ladaaayz was comedy gold much as great big fat black women in the mold of Sapphire or Shelton Benjamin's mom who stopped by earlier are also the best. Viscera tosses Matt Hardy btw. RIGHT ON CUE IT IS SHELTON BENJAMIN AND HIS MOMMA and Benoit eliminates Eugene and weren't they buddies the previous summer? Every-man-for-himself though I guess is the reality here. At number twenty-nine it is GOLDUST who I guess had not been around for a while but we are all no doubt pleased to see him return. Man Chris Masters is huuuuuuuuuge at this point but you know who else is too? Orlando Jordan. So which World Wrestling Entertainment Superstar of a wrestler drew the coveted thirtieth number it is "THE LEGEND KILLER" RANDY ORTON who is a very good wrestler and there are a *ton* of guys out there now including Rey Mysterio and Triple H who I would remind you have been in this match since its beginning and ORTON ELIMINATES BENOIT and it is an RKO on Viscera and then Carlito and Masters eliminate Viscera and Masters is like YEAH BABAY but Carlito takes that opportunity to toss Masters who is not thrilled. For I believe the second time in Royal Rumble history Goldust has done that middle-turnbuckle groin kick, this time on Carlito, and it's a pretty good bit! Immediately thereafter though RVD hits a soft-as-softest-shit spinning heel kick that Goldust has to like propel himself over the top for and Orton just put Orlando Jordan out in kind of a cool way where Jordan was on the apron and Orton like pulled him down such that he was "stun gunned" or something.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So we've got Orton, Nitro, Mercury, RVD, Carlito, Rey Rey, Triple H, Michaels and Shelton Benjamin all still out there and Shawn Michaels is all like KIP UP and stuff and he puts both Nitro and Mercury out and then "skins the cat" but Benjamin hits HBK with what Cole calls a "dragon kick" which I like the sound of very much! OH SHIT that was one hell of a superkick elimination of Shelton Benjamin and so it would seem that Shelton Benjamin's promise to Mr. McMahon that he would eliminate Shawn Michaels will go unfulfilled and here is McMahon himself down at ringside but unlike last year he has not blown out both fuckin legs lol OH NO IT IS SHANE MCMAHON WHO HAS SNUCK UP FROM BEHIND AND ELIMINATED SHAWN MICHAELS AND I THINK THAT IS PRETTY STUPID AND NOW HBK IS BACK IN AND HE SUPERKICKS TRIPLE H and yeah that was all kind of dumb really. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">RVD puts Carlito out with another pretty awful looking kick lol I *love* that guy so our final four is RVD, Orton, Mysterio, and Triple H which is a pretty awesome final four imo and Mysterio and RVD kind of slip each other some skin like bros might thereby suggesting a temporary alliance and yeah actually they are doing awesome moves that involve RVD chucking Mysterio on dudes much as Kane would chuck RVD on dudes in days of auld lang syne. RVD just went out in kind of a cool way as he had been *crotched* on the top turnbuckle by Triple H and then Mysterio is like flipped into him headfirst and so RVD tumbles out and after a Triple H and Orton team-up on Mysterio for a while which is like "shades" of Evolution is it not? Mysterio gets on a roll and hits a double 619 and some stuff like that and Lawler is like I FEEL THE PRESENCE OF EDDIE GUERRERO and let me tell you that this is not a subtle thing they are doing here even by the standards or this our most loved sport. YEEEAAAAHH Mysterio body-scissors Triple H over in a cool way and Triple H has been the best in this match man *the best* and he is not pleased about the way his night has ended so just as Mysterio was about to face off against Orton, Triple H hauls the little fella out from under the bottom rope and "Irish whips" him into the ring steps. So now we've got Mysterio who has been in there for the duration of the entire match thus far and Orton who came in as the last dude and OH SHIT HURRICANRANA TYPE COUNTER THING AND IT IS ALL OVER good job Rey Mysterio you did a really good job out there little guy good for you! He is all *pointing towards the heavens* and stuff. That was a pretty good Royal Rumble! I would definitely say that Triple H was the best guy out there in that one but Rey was also very good and Michael Cole paints a word-portrait of Mysterio wrestling his first match in a run-down church in Tijuana at the age of fifteen that is *vivid.* </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How dumb is it that there are still matches now? I would say plenty! But they are matches I am not *in principle* opposed to otherwise so I'm sure I will be OK. Backstage we are shown Mysterio in celebration with Benoit and YEAH DEAN MALENKO YEAAAAHH and Chavo but then Edge and Lita stop by and lol they were awesome and Edge is like "hey bravo you finally won the big one *about time bro*" and first up yeah we've got "The Rated R" Superstar Edge who has really come into his own here and he is defending against former champion John Cena. We are reminded that Edge had won the inaugural Money in the Bank match which is a *great* concept that I am totally into and I guess he "cashed in" his shot against a bloodied John Cena who had just survived a grueling "Elimination Chamber" and yeah that was that. I believe it was around this time when I read an interview with Edge at like IGN of all places and he was like "I want to play a heel with no redeeming characteristics at all like *none*" and he pretty much managed that except for when as I have mentioned he and Lita had simulated sex on Raw which was one of the most ridiculous and best things to have ever been on wrestling probably and a boob got out as you can see here:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJ_HnRBt_bw">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJ_HnRBt_bw</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">also prior to that it was like this:</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhP5vEMapcvG_VjrJKquC44n0b8EpEaewH3Fp4Avz373rDu8j1LkF2Vvx1IaSUp9reACu_SV9SDJjhYIDUARyL8yWrBjg3sFpr4U6D0H4haAn849QnKqGXO-LqKmnzb5w3vxgImNK3clR8/s640/Edge_Lita_bed_images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhP5vEMapcvG_VjrJKquC44n0b8EpEaewH3Fp4Avz373rDu8j1LkF2Vvx1IaSUp9reACu_SV9SDJjhYIDUARyL8yWrBjg3sFpr4U6D0H4haAn849QnKqGXO-LqKmnzb5w3vxgImNK3clR8/s640/Edge_Lita_bed_images.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">like idk man you are aware of my antipathy towards the Era called Attitude so I am not of the opinion that sleaze necessarily makes for good wrestling in fact I am kind of of the view that it is otherwise but this particular sleaze that we are currently discussing seems to me to have been utterly transcendent sleaze of the highest calibre and it enriched the culture basically. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Interestingly John Cena makes his entrance atop this elaborate multiple catwalk structure that descends from the rafters and looks pretty expensive. Edge's entrance is much more of the kind we are used to as it goes *zzrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnn* you think you know me BADADADADADADADADADADADA OOOOON THIS DAAAAAAAAY and lol he still has Cena's spinner belt which does not auger well for a long title reign despite his insistence that he will not be a "transitional champion" does it and hey what is up Amy "Lita" Dumas you used to do rad moves sometimes and I like your hair and do you still keep in touch with Essa Rios? This is probably going to be a good match I think! In the early going it is a lot of *brawling on the outside* including a pretty cool SPEAR into the ring steps and soon thereafter a "baseball slide" that sends Cena into the first row. Edge is firmly in control here ladies and gentlemen and he is also going "you can't see me" which is ice cold of him. A hearty "Let's go Cena/Let's go Edge" gets going and the thing where half the crowd loves Cena and half the crowd can't stand him has been going on pretty much forever hasn't it? Also I am not ashamed to admit that I am still thinking about Lita a little right now and what I am thinking about specifically is that her autobiography Lita: A Less Traveled R.O.A.D: Reality of Amy Dumas probably has the shittiest title of anything ever but maybe it's good idk. Jerry Lawler complains that Edge is just so *full* of himself now that he is champion and who could argue. Oh yeah I should tell you that Joey Styles is the play-by-play guy for the matches involving dudes of Raw and I know the internet line on him is that he is only good with Paul E. Dangerously in his earpiece or what have you but I think he's pretty good and I am not concerned with how that effect is achieved.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don't really think I like missile dropkicks as much as I'm supposed to but Edge lands one. lol not long thereafter Cena has a run of much improved luck come to a halt when he misses a top rope leg drop which is a seriously comical move when it is missed and I'm not sure why but IT IS. We are well into the era in which when a dude gets both "hooks" in and has any kind of "chin lock" of "sleeper hold" or anything they call it a "rear naked choke" and I'm not going to go through the whole thing again but I think that's kind of a funny thing to do. John Cena gets on top of this whole situation eventually though and hits what Joey Style calls "A SEATED BELLY-TO-BACK POWERBOMB" which is an utterly absurd thing to call what just happened but nevertheless there is an STFU and HOOOOOOOLY SHIT HE TAPPED TO THAT and I have no recollection of that move being the kind of thing that would end a title match clean in the centre of the ring but there you go! Not a great match by any stretch but it was a good one for sure. Backstage Lita is asked for comment but she is interrupted by "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan who as you know has a distinguished history at the Royal Rumble and he is like I AM HERE TO SAY HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and this is done to disparage Lita who I am reminded here is a *horrible* actress but again cool moves and pretty hair so let's not be picky.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kurt Angle who is set to defend his World Heavyweight Championship against Mark Henry is kind of losing coherence here in his pre-match interview with the floppy-haird Josh Matthews. Mark Henry accompanied to the ring by Davari is as you know a rad guy and he is my definite rooting interest in this one. Apparently he put BIG DAVE out of action recently and then Kurt Angle won a battle royal to claim the title which sounds kind of stupid if you ask me. OK so we are well into this match and so far the only thing that I have liked all that much is when Mark Henry was bear hugging Kurt Angle for a while and then Angle escaped with a hip throw but then Angle gets a bunch of his moves in like the German suplex and the Angle slam and whatnot and I don't want to see any of it I want to see Mark Henry just squish this dude I don't want to see STRAPS DOWN ANKLE LOCK HE MEANS BUSINESS because I am tired of Kurt Angle at this point guys I am tired of him. Ref bump; chairs and stuff; Mark Henry kicks out but is soon thereafter sent headlong into a *hadaka* turnbuckle; Angle rolls him up "with a handful of tights" and that's that OR IS IT as after the match the Undertaker is wheeled out in a fucking chariot pulled by a white horse I shit you not in the *least* and then he fuckin shoots lightning at the ceiling and at the ring and the ring collapses and then one of the babies looked at me and this suuuuuuuuucks and also why would you put any matches *at all* after the Royal Rumble? You don't need a main event for the Royal Rumble; the Royal Rumble is the main event of the Royal Rumble. This shit is *basic.*</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-37287397012263235672012-01-31T11:10:00.000-08:002012-01-31T11:29:02.641-08:002005 ROYAL RUMBLE<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK SO HERE IS THE DEAL WITH THE 2005 ROYAL RUMBLE LIVE FROM FRESNO and that is that it is totally conceivable that I saw this one but maybe I didn't. At this time I was often watching Monday Night Raw and also a bunch of World Wrestling Entertainment Pay Per VIew Extravaganzas at a bar on College Street a little east of Spadina and so mere blocks away from College and Clinton which has been heralded/denounced as one of about a half dozen geographic spaces in North America that gave rise in a real way to the 1999-2003 (which is to say phase one) postmodern hipster and I don't remember if I went to see this one or not. Not only did I not have pay per view ordering capacity at this time in my life but I did not in fact have cable television which in the Canadian context means that I only got like three channels and while in my youth this would have been a sufficient number of channels to allow the viewing of wrestling this was not at all the case in 2005 and so O'Grady's it was for wrestling nights hosted by John Pollock and Jason Agnew and Dan Lovranski who you may internet-wrestling-know as the gentlemen behind THE LAW LIVE AUDIO WRESTLING and it was a motley fuckin crew that showed up to these nights at O'Grady's let me tell you but obviously I was among their number so I am not about to front on them in a way that would demean us all but mostly me. In any event I definitely don't remember who wins even if I did indeed see it and although I am well aware that this event puts us on the road to Wrestlemania XXI and I am *certain* I watched that one at O'Grady's I am just as certain that I don't remember what the main event was so I am going into this one a pure and chaste young girl of a man watching deviants hug competitively.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our opening contest is well it is "contested" frankly between "The Heart Break Kid" Shawn Michaels who is by this time afflicted by both male pattern baldness and also by having sort of a lousy body but he is pretty old so it's ok and now coming down the aisle zzzzzrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn *you think you know me* BADADADADADADADADADADA OOOON THIS DAAY from Toronto Ontario Canada it is without question EDGE as Howard Finkel man he is still out there and I would have told you he retired in like 2000. As you would expect, these two proceed to have not just A Good Match but in fact A Very Good Match Indeed to the extent that like if this was the title match main event of a pay per view you'd have been like "yeah that one delivered." There were all kinds of good bits on the outside including a SPEAR while HBK's attention was briefly not where it should have been and back in the ring there were a bunch of FINISHER attempts that got countered in pretty cool ways like when Edge applied an *electric chair* out of superkick and stuff like that before Edge ended up grabbing a handful of tights and pretty much every inch of rope in the entire ring for the finish. All of that was really very good but what really struck me during this match was a couple of somewhat peripheral things and they are: (i) I think Mike Chioda is the best pro wres referee I have seen and I am not sure I would be able to enumerate the reasons why exactly but I am pretty sure it is true and (ii) few probably doubt this but Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are so awesome man just *so awesome* and they are without question the announcers foremost in my heart and mind and well not body but everywhere else. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We are backstage with Bischoff and Teddy Long and Torrie and Christy Hemme and I am reminded that I think I watched every Monday Night Raw during that whole Diva search fiasco with like "MY BUTT IS HUNGRYYYY" and all that stuff jesus christ I had completely forgotten about that and now it's back. Ric Flair and Eddie Guerrero are there to draw their numbers and Flair is pleased with his draw and Eddie less so with his but then Eddie goes in for the hug of wellwishery and lol he switches the numbers man you have got to watch that Eddie Guerrero and Ric Flair is pretty funny here so I am going to give this backstage segment my unreserved approval. The next backstage thing is between Snitsky and Heidenreich and lol ok yeah I think I *have* seen this before because it is familiar to me here and oh yeah also *it is insane*: </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACVVsptHHdM#t=11s">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACVVsptHHdM#t=11s</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Phil Collins song is not in the original but if anything it softens the madness of it. Snitsky I think is remembered quite fondly by many of us is he not? I associate Snitsky with baby punting on the one hand and Eugene on the other not that I am sure he ever actually did anything with Eugene other than be on Raw at roughly the same time. Wait is Heidenreich supposed to be a Nazi or something? If so they should have been way less subtle with it imo and gone pretty much full Killer Karl Krup.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway yeah Heidenreich's aversion to caskets is not unlike my own aversion to casket matches so I can appreciate his position here. The casket is walked to the ring amid chanting by four cloaked dudes referred to as druids and I hate it. Michael Cole suggest that there will be no poetry here Tazz just violence or something. We're back to spoooooooky Undertaker after several years of DEAD MAN WALKIN' *BONG* KEEEEEP ROLLIN ROLLIN ROLLIN Undertaker and I don't know man I just don't know. I will let you know if anything really awesome happens here but I have my doubts. Well OK this is cool: the Undertaker is entering his *shoot* period here so he is triangle choking dude in the corner atop the ropes and then on the ground and it's actually neat if like *incredibly* lose but that's the problem when you do moves that are legit I guess: if you make them look *really* real a dude would be out and that would not be good for business and now SNITSKY IS IN HE'S FROM RAW WHAT IS HE DOING HERE THIS IS A SMACKDOWN ISSUE but then Kane pops out of the casket HE IS SNITSKY'S ENEMY and this sucks *a lot* right now. After a bunch of fucking around Heidenreich drives the casket into the Undertaker in a way that is kind of cool and then he applies a version of the *Cobra Clutch* or *Million Dollar Dream* but fuckin casket matches man they're just stupid it is like NOOOO HERE IS AN ARM STICKING OUT OF THE CASKET HE IS NOT DONE YET although you know what here's a good one: with Heidenreich half in the casket the Undertaker does a leg drop from the apron to the casket lid and I am not so desirous of being right about casket matches that I am going to pretend that that wasn't pretty rad. Chokeslam; tombstone; that's it. Look this was fine and for a casket match pretty good in fact but I just don't think they should ever have them ever not even once not ever.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Backstage again Teddy Long is like hey Eddie Guerrero I know you took Flair's number and then Flair and *Trips* and BIG DAVE come in and Triple H is like GIVE IT UP JUMPIN' BEAN and lol Triple H is in a cutoff tshirt and shorts and he probably thinks he looks like He-Man but he looks more like Prince Adam to me right here *burn* and there is also unrest in the Evolution camp as Big Dave and his sick vasculature bro is a little bit at odds with Triple H for some reason. Christian is going to draw his number and so is Cena with his "RUCK FULES" shirt and lol Christian is going to rap ok he gets a beat from Tomko lol no he doesn't but he goes MY NAME IS CHRISTIAN THE KING OF CRUNK / I'LL TAKE YA TO SCHOOL CENA AND YOU'RE GONNA FLUNK / I'M CAPTAIN CHARISMA / I'M . . . uh . . . CAPTAIN CHARISMA READ 'EM AND WEAPS / I'M GONNA THROW YOU OUT FOR ALL OF MY PEEPS / AND JUST LIKE DRACULA COMES FROM TRANSYLVANIA / I'M WINNING THE RUMBLE AND GOING ON TO WRESTLEMANIA which is reasonably tight and then Cena implies that Christian is a homosexual which Cena thinks makes him less of a person I guess which says more about him than it does Christian imo. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kurt Angle and his increasingly fucked up looking body makes his way to the ring to face the Big Show and JBL in a *Triple Threat Match* for the World Wrestling Federation Championship and this might be alright maybe right? What a weird thing it was when wrestling just came on TV one night and all of a sudden Bradshaw was part of the 1% and a main-event *heel* instead of a big guy who played cards with Ron Simmons. I think a warm-up jacket with a towel around the neck plus trunks should pretty much be the default gear that dudes wear down to the ring so I respect JBL for that decision that he has made and also his lariatooooo owns and makes me think of Wolf from Virtua Fighter who I used almost exclusively until they put in a judo guy in Virtua Figher 4: Evolution which is the best. I should point out that we have reached a time and place in professional wrestling history where pretty much *every* chop is met with a resounding WOOOOOOOOO and near falls a TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and I am fine with the former but the latter I am actually nuts about, like I *love* going TWOOOOOOOOOO. This match is pretty much a "wild brawl" and is largely contested on the outside. The Big Show was about to choke slam JBL from the ring steps (which had been placed adjacent to the announce table) through the announce table that I mentioned parenthetically a moment ago but Kurt Angle hit him with a pretty serious low blow and then with a television monitor actually and that sent him crashing through the table freeing JBL and Angle up to wrestle in the ring for a bit and before you know it we've got some German suplexes and I am told by Tazz and Michael Cole that Angle hit JBL with eight consecutive German suplexes in a match on the previous episode of Smackdown(!) and yeah I have not seen that or anything so I don't know this but it sounds excessive to me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Big Show is back in and he's slamming dudes first to the mat and then on top of each other and then into the corner and double clothesline and stuff and now Big Show has followed Angle's lead in ridding himself of his cumbersome singlet strap and thus symbolically ridding himself of all constraint but it is Angle who hits the "Angle Slam" on Big Show however JBL kicks *him* in the face but is himself then chokeslammed and lol Tazz really does say "goozle" at every opportunity doesn't he aaaaaaaaaaaaahahaha cool OK so on the outside JBL was leaning against the barricade and the Big Show just kind of tackles him and they break through the almost certainly *gimmicked* barricade and I like stuff like that. EMTs and chief of staff Orlando Jordan are out to attend to JBL as Angle's introduction of a steel chair into the proceedings immediately works against him but Mark Jindrack and Luther Reigns assail the Big Show so wait what is going on here OK Orlando Jordan who I believe is a *shoot* homosexual (also whatever happened to that guy) rolls the barely coherent JBL back into the ring and he is like LARIATOOOOOOOO on Angle and that's that. Pretty good garbage match with all kinds of crazy bullshit! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And now BIG DAVE is backstage and he runs into Carlito who I always thought was neat with the apple thing honestly and he is asking Batista to sign a petition to remove Theodore Long as Smackdown General Manager or something and then we walk in on Long and Bischoff being all boastful about the relative merits of their own "brand" and it seems awfully dumb however we do learn that Evolution has been banned from ringside for the upcoming WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP bout in which Triple H defends his title against Randy Orton who had been in Evolution you will recall but then after he defeated Chris Benoit at The Summerslam 2004 which is of course once again totally the The Summerslam that I attended and then the next night Triple H was like *thumbs down to you bro* and then of course extensive feuding and here we are! This should be a good match because both of these guys are good imo.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">HEY nothing you can SAY something something GONNA TAKE WHAT'S MIIIIIIIIINE as it is Randall K. Orton to whom I believe Bret "Hitman" Hart recently referred in a *shoot* context as "one of the great technical wrestlers" or words to that effect and TIIIIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAAME it is Triple H yeeeeeeeah let's have a match for THE BIG GOLD BELT refereed by Earl Hebner who is still really hard to understand when he talks except I guess when he's counting which is pretty clear and that's the most important part for him in fairness. Really good pace to start the match and lol Orton went for the RKO maybe forty-five seconds into the match and Triple H bailed to the outside in completely understandable fear of that *finishing* technique that might well be described as "quicker than a hiccup" were any of us folksy Oklahomans of the highest calibre. Hey so when you drop a guy face first on the top turnbuckle have we all just decided to call that move "snake eyes" forever HOOOOOOLY COW lol OK Orton went for the RKO and Triple H just like pushed him over the top rope like *boop* and Orton lands hard on the floor; that was awesome. Lawler is like "that is why they call that man 'The Cerebral Assassin'" however in truth nobody calls him that. You only get so many names bro and that is one name too many imo. A small but determined "Randy Sucks" chant gets going just as Orton's little comeback is *cutoff* with a chop-block to a left leg damaged in an assault from like a week ago or something and also taped to signify that. IF Randy Orton *had* an advantage in quickness and speed *IF* he had that it is now gone Jim Ross says.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The inevitable (and I do not mean that in a bad way) figure four attempt is first met with a "small package" that Triple H escapes only to yeah OK only to successfully apply that estimable leglock and I bet if I were to really think about the best pretend submission holds the figure four would be *very* near the top of that list right up there with the Sharpshooter and the Million Dollar Dream and the good ol' Sleeper and other excellent submission holds that I enjoy a lot. Orton of course reverses the hold eventually which is really the best way to go about escaping and things start to look up for him especially when he hits that cool neckbreaker thing where he drops to his knee and the dude is like OOOOF off Orton's back you know that I'm talking about and the crowd is a little bit like BOOOOOOOO as he gets going which leads me to believe Orton was not quite as *over* as a *baby face* as might have been hoped for him at this time. Or perhaps the people of Fresno are simply being willfully perverse like the crowds of Montreal and Toronto and Philadelphia and actually I heard some comments from Phil Brooks who perhaps you know better as World Wrestling Entertainer "CM Punk" again in a *shoot* context and he was talking about how those three cities in particular are intentionally perverse and preposterous in their reactions to things and it got me thinking about how it was odd that there has never been a Royal Rumble in either Montreal or Toronto and I was like is that purely by chance or would that not be a good idea because it could totally fuck up your plans on the "The Road to Wrestlemania" to have the crowd like take an enormous shit on a dude at the end of a Royal Rumble when you kind of need otherwise? That is probably overthinking things *tremendously* and misguidedly on my part and just a couple Royal Rumbles ago they did Philadelphia so that is not a theory that I am even going to properly advance to you here let alone stand behind. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This match continues to be totally fine as Randy Orton comes of the top with a cross body SHADES OF RICKY THE DRAGON STEAMBOAT is *right* JR but then it is Triple H with his cool facebuster and a Pedigree attempt that is countered into a catapult into the corner and an RKO attempt that is avoided and then it is Triple H with "a high Harley Race knee" which are words I like to hear and call to mind something else CM Punk said in this thing I was listening to in which he asked who among the all-time greats he would have most liked to wrestle and without missing a beat Punk was like "surly 1974 Harley Race" which is the correct answer and yeah that's right Leo Burke took him to a sixty minute draw at the Halifax Forum so what do you think about that. Triple H is like PEDIGREES but Orton is like NO, CLOTHESLINES and this is all pretty good and a little bit later Triple H is feigning outness a little but he manages to hook the top rope as Orton attempts a DDT and I think they are playing on a glassy-eyed concussion thing with Orton now as he has smacked his head off the canvas and boy his mouth is busted up pretty good after that "high Harley Race knee." Here comes the *ref bump* and one would expect some pretty good shenanigans here unless of course Triple H goes for yep he did he's got the sledgehammer and look I'm not going to do a whole entire thing every time the stupid fuckin sledgehammer comes out but what I will do instead is just say that I do not care for it. Triple H of course attempts to strike Orton with the sledgehammer on the outside but Orton who is still acting a though he has been hell of concussed pulls Triple H forward into the ring post and Triple H rolls around on the ground grabbing his forehead a lot so I am kind of expecting a pretty cool *blade job* however it is not yet in evidence so hmmm I guess not however he DID bury Orton with a really cool clothesline and then he picks him up as though he were a sack of potatoes and "Pedigrees" him and that's that. A pretty good match. You'll definitely see both guys have better ones but this was good.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nunzio has his number for the Royal Rumble but Kurt Angle steals it from him in an act of bullying; JBL and his associates are pleased that he has emerged victorious from the triple threat match earlier in the evening however he is not thrilled to hear that he will have to defend his title against the Big Show in a barbed-wire steel cage for some reason; and NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE ROYAL RUMBLE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN YEEEEAAAH and in at number one is Eddie Guerrero participating in his final Royal Rumble before his growth-hormone-enlarged heart exploded while he was brushing his teeth and Chavo found him :( and in at number two lol it is Chris Benoit and what can you do but lol man what can you even do but lol at this situation that opens your 2005 Royal Rumble. I wonder if they will "tear it up" in there for these first two minutes or ninety seconds or whatever it is exactly that we're doing tonight (why do they not just say?). Yeah so both of these guys are pretty good at wrestling as we see some nice basic exchanges of holds and what not but they all just look really good and OK these are ninety-second intervals we are looking at and also I will note that they are still displaying the number of each entrant which I have mixed feelings about. Daniel Puder is out next and remember when he hooked up a *shoot* *ude garami* or "entangled arm lock" or "double wrist lock" or *Kimura* that he probably wouldn't have been able to finish from half-guard anyway against Kurt Angle on television and then the internet was like ZOMG and I am not disparaging that reaction because it was mine as well? Well Guerrero and Benoit are chopping the shit out of this dude in the corner right now and this is sort of weird because I totally remember that happening which I mean between that and the Heidenreich/Snitsky thing earlier it suggests that I have indeed seen this whole thing before but I guess it just didn't leave that much of an impression and lol that was a pretty high-angle backdrop on Puder there Chris Benoit and now Hardcore Holly is in and he is just chopping the heck out of him. OK now all three of Holly, Benoit, and Guerrero are taking turns chopping him and lol Eddie is holding a cupped hand to his ear while the other two are chopping and this is kind of a hell of a thing. Puder is Alabama Slammed and tossed just as the Hurricane comes out and oh OK Eddie and Benoit just dumped Holly too. Eddie and Benoit seem to have formed a temporary alliance OR HAVE THEY as Eddie sneakily tries to get rid of Benoit but fails and there goes the Hurricane so I guess this is going to be Eddie v. Benoit with some other dudes coming in every now and then and that's probably OK.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kenzo Suzuki enters the match at number six and he wasn't any good at all was he? Also 2005 seems a little late for a guy's whole gimmick to be "this is a Japanese guy" but what do I know about selling tickets to professional wrestling contests? Literally nothing. *zrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn* you think you know me DADADADADADADADADADADA ON THIS DAAAAAAY it is Edge and he is going hard at Eddie and lol Eddie hugs the bottom rope in an amusing fashion. WHO IS THAT JUMPING OUT THE SKY (sic) it is of course Rey Mysterio Jr. and he gets a ton of *moves* in on everybody and he head-scissors Suzuki right out. Tazz and JR are on commentary I should tell you and I should also tell you that it is dumb how Tazz is like "I am proud this guy is exclusively on Smackdown" and OK maybe it is not dumb but I don't like it. Shelton Benjamin is the next to enter and JR unsurprisingly describes him as the best pure athlete in the WWE but lol wtf Mysterio just chop blocked Shelton Benjamin and JR is like wtf and kids are like why Rey why? Booker T is out next and I continue to like him a lot. Did you know he owns or perhaps owned a successful clothing store in the Houston area? Eric Bischoff comes to ringside and I don't care. Benoit had Eddie in a Boston Crab but Mysterio like springboarded off the ropes of him which was cool. BREAK THE WALLS DOOOOOOOOOOWN and Jericho brings some much needed energy to the proceedings because nothing here has been bad or anything but it has in truth been maybe a little flat just like a *little* flat so far. Teddy Long just came out in case you were wondering. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Luther Reigns is sure to make everything extremely cool almost right away. Well actually things *do* get pretty cool for a minute right after that when the guys kind of line up as Raw dudes on one side and Smackdown(!) on the other and then they go at it and that was neat for a sec but this does not make the annoying thing that Tazz keeps doing. Here is Mohammad Hassan and I recall hearing from a guy who speaks Farsi that Davari or whatever Hassan's hype man was called really said all kinds of genuinely filthy shit whenever he was on *the stick* which was good news. OK so while the match had divided briefly along Raw v. Smackdown lines everyone is united in despising the Arab other even if lol he is actually an Italian dude and so they band together and he is gone in like a second. Scotty 2 Hotty comes out but a bitter and vengeful Hassan assaults him hideously on the outside showing neither sportsmanship nor class and boy the ring is pretty full right now so it must be time for KAAAAAAANE or something.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am incorrect as it is Charlie Haas! A quick trip to wikipedia to check if that putative Arab with the Persian manager was in fact Italian (yes) reminds me about the London Bombings situation with the Hassan character and lol you might also want to remind yourself of that too if it had somehow fallen from from your consciousness at it had mine. Booker T clotheslines out first Luther Reigns and then Orlando Jordan but after a *spinnerooni* (sp?) Eddie pulls the ropes down and *woop.* Tazz seriously will not stop enumerating Smackdown(!) guys and it is fucking *tiresome.* YESSSSS RENE DUPREE WITH A POODLE NAMED FIFI YEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHH and man this dude is *yoked* and would not have thrived (nor thriven) in the Wellness Program era that was soon to unfold would he. Shelton Benjamin leaps to the top rope impressively but Edge pushes him out and JR is like "his athleticism came back to bite him" and he is speaking in racialist code imo. lol oh hey I had *totally* forgotten about THE SIMON SYSTEM and here is that guy doing that thing lol. Eddie and Rey did a bunch of cool things but right in the middle of it Edge comes over and tosses Eddie out and then does a little "Latino Heat" dance and it is great! Simon on the outside is doing divebomber pushups.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Shawn Michaels is in and lol Simon Dean is out and Michaels does a couple of "Hindu" squats afterwards in celebration. Eddie Guerrero is met with a really solid "EDDIE EDDIE" chant as he leaves which is nice because he would be dead soon :( . Fuck man Charlie Haas is bad at being at Royal Rumbles: for the second year in a row his elimination looks *so shitty* like among the shittiest looking eliminations ever. Kurt Angle is in and he suplexes everybody *except* Shawn Michaels who is like superkick --> ankle lock counter --> escape --> SUPERKICK ELIMINATION YEEEEAAH </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tazz I like you usually but you have to stop talking about which guys are on Smackdown seriously you have to you really really have to. Jonathan Coachman is in at number twenty-one and his approach is to strike Benoit from behind and then cower in the corner. Jericho might be out from a Mysterio headscissors but nooooo he is still in there lol hey got me! Mark Jindrak is in now and hey what is Kurt Angle doing back in there oh OK he is back to toss Shawn Michaels out and astute observers will recall that his exact thing happened in one of the Royal Rumbles Shawn Michaels won but they were like DOES NOT COUNT DOES NOT COUNT which is also fine and again all I ask for is clarity. Anyway he tosses HBK into the ring steps and Michaels *blades* pretty awesomeonly and he is then ankle locked before World Wrestling Entertainment Officials can restore order. VISCERA is in next and look I am not here to tell you that this is the best Royal Rumble by any stretch of the imagination or even a particularly good one but it's OK. Jim Ross acknowledges that Viscera might not possess the most refined catch-as-catch-can skills but suggest that that deficiency may not hinder him in this context and I am inclined to agree. Paul London! I totally forgot about this guy! He was pretty good! RENE DUPREE HOWEVER IS BETTER AND NOW HE IS FRENCH TICKLING oh no Jericho has eliminated him mid-tickle. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">JOHN CENA and wait does maybe Cena win and then *challenge* JBL for the title at Wrestlemania and he wins and he dives into the crowd and it should be a pretty cool moment but it falls kind of flat for whatever reason? That'd be OK because if that is what happens here because I have no problem with John Cena and he has just eliminated Viscera aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand here comes SNITSKY who is not without his goofy charm that is for sure and Paul London is like IT IS A SLEEPER HOLD FOR YOU but Snitsky shucks London off to the apron and AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHH I had totally forgotten Paul London's *shooting star press* clothesline sell from the apron but that is one of the best eliminations in Royal Rumble history *without question* just a sec just a sec I am going to back that up and watch it again lol ok yeah it if anything that got *more* awesome when I watched it again that MUST be on youtube let me see let me see OK yeah here you go:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSJ2aAfagX8">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSJ2aAfagX8</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Once again fuckin Tazz is like WHO IS NEXT IT BETTER BE A SMACKDOWN GUY fuckin hell man come on and it is KANE who does not enjoy SNITSKY and actually such is the *intensity* of that particular feud at this time that everybody else just kind of lays around while they go at it for a sec and then it is chokeslams for pretty much everybody and then Kane gets rid of Jindrak. I remember an old story from when I used to read Meltzer where apparently there was this meeting where management was like "well boyos house show business is way down right now as you no" and Snitsky was like "what are you talking about we just sold out Wrestlemania in like a day" and everybody was like smdh. Pretty cool pump-handle slam on Kane, though, Snitsky! AND IT IS THE ANIMAL BATISTA and even though he is aligned with the villainous Evolution he is cheered here and he quickly clotheslines Snitsky over the top and the chants of BA-TIS-TA only grow as he BATISTABOMBs Kane and then presses Jericho out. In at twenty-nine is the great yeah *the great* Christian and he is accompanied by his mainest man Tyson Tomko. HEY COOL John Cena just F-U'd Kane up and over for a pretty cool elimination and now Mysterio and Cena seem to be entering into an alliance but how long can it last I ask you? In at number thirty is "Nature Boy" Ric Flair in an awesome robe and he high fives BIG DAVE and feeds Coachman to him for a spinebuster and then Flair tosses "Coach" and then struts in a way that delights us all. Flair and Batista do the same spinebuster thing with Christian who Batista then presses up and out and over and yeeeeaaaah man things are picking up here! Benoit chops Flair a million times in the corner but Batista intercedes before long and JR rightly identifies that spinebuster as "a DIFFERENCE maker" and Batista fires Benoit out and Flair tries to sneakily do away with Batista who is like WTF NAITCH? and Naitch is like oh hey a mistake I'm sorry Big Dave but it is Edge who tosses Flair out not the somewhat miffed ANIMAL. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">AND SO YOUR FINAL FOUR consists of Batista, Cena, Edge, and Mysterio and it is a SPEAR on Batista and a SPEAR on Cena however Mysterio leapfrogs away and yeah yeah yeah 619 whatever and then he misses a springboard and eventually he is on the apron and Edge is like SPEAR to Mysterio on the apron and that was pretty cool! Batista and Edge double backdrop Edge out AND ONE OF THESE TWO MEN ARE GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA AND GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA TO HEADLINE WHO WILL IT BE and Cena is looking good let me tell you as he has Batista up in a fireman's carry BUT NO Batista fights out of it and wait a minute is this the one where AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH YEAH *IT IS* the one where a Batista bomb goes *horribly* awry and Cena and Batista both tumble out at the exact same time "and we've got a major malfunction at the junction" as JR says in a tribute to Ed Whalen of Stampede Wrestling obviously and everybody is just stalling because this ladies and gentleman in THE BIGGEST FUCK UP IN ROYAL RUMBLE HISTORY and here comes *shoot* pissed Vince McMahon who lolololol oh yeah he blows out his fuckin legs entering the ring in a rage and this is THE BEST Vince is just fucking sitting there because he is *way* too hurt to even fucking stand up right now and he is like WELL FUCKIN DO IT AGAIN AND DO IT RIGHT BECAUSE IT IS NOT ALL OF A SUDDEN A *SHOOT* ROYAL RUMBLE YOU FUCKING FOOLS and lol I LOVE THIS and anyway Batista and Cena awkwardly go like hell for about twenty seconds and Batista wins it and a Royal Rumble that had been merely OK up until the very end has reached previously unknown and fucking *towering* heights with that amazingly botched finish in which Vince McMahon ruins his body because he cannot believe this shit lol I am going to watch that again WON'T YOU JOIN ME?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbn1EvJk_88#t=3m50s">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbn1EvJk_88#t=3m50s</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">oh christ that is good and hey so is the poster actually</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">in summation: lol</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ps you have a cool batista t-shirt yo-llandi vi$$er of die antwoord</span><br />
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<br /></div>ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-63440809494894654652012-01-31T11:07:00.001-08:002012-01-31T11:07:36.796-08:002004 ROYAL RUMBLE<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">THE ANCIENT PHILOSOPHICAL PROBLEM OF FATE V. FREEWILL is called to our attention in the opening montage for the 2004 ROYAL RUMBLE and we are told that in a flash the things the we hold dear can vanish like a lost thought and that's pretty true and also tonight is a pivotal point where paths collide. Fate will rear his head and Destiny will play his hand and why would you personify those things as masculine? Because by my math it is the road to Wrestlemania XX that are on specifically here I totally know who wins this one and probably so do you but I for one have never actually seen this so I am ready to be surprised. Perhaps by joy? We are LIVE from Philadelphia in case you were wondering and we begin with a tables match for the Tag Team Championship to be contested between the challengers the Dudley Boyzzzzzzz and I don't even have any idea who the champions could be ooooooooooooh man I forgot how awesome the "EVOLUTION" theme music was but still I don't know which guys it would even be exactly oh ok it is Flair and BIG DAVE but alas Batista is all CUT THE MUSIC when it is the music I am most excited about right now. Bubba like last year is wearing shorts and it's not a good look for him. Big Dave says the Dudleyz are the biggest losers he's seen since the Philadelphia Eagles BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and we are pretty much ready to go. I might as well get this out of the way now and by "this" I mean my statement of position re: wrestling of this approximate time and that is this: I hadn't paid much attention between the Wrestlemania I attended which was X8 in 2002 and Wrestlemania XX in 2004 however soon after Wrestlemania XX I saw somewhere online maybe even the TSN website of all places that the two champions were Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero and I was like wtf how did that even happen what is going on here and so I figured well maybe this means long awesome title matches on TV sometimes and you know what IT DID and so I was in. I believe it was around this time I found that message board we used to go to before the message board we used to go to before this one where we are all in love and so my pretend fighting "fandom" became full-on *internet* pretend fighting "fandom" and I bought my first Fire Pro basically. So I got pretty into things in 2004 but I was not into them at the time of the events that I am describing to you now and what is the deal this Tag Team Championship match only went like five minutes before BIG DAVE put a Dudley through a table and that's that. Let me say that I thought Evolution was a pretty rad heel stable and I of course was there live in person when Randall K. Orton defeated champion Chris Benoit at The Summerslam 2004 to unseat Brock Lesnar as the youngest champion in Federtainment history and I value that experience immensely because as you know I am a student of history (well I mean I minored). And oh hey the Cruiserweight Title has just been successfully defended in only like five minutes by Rey Mysterio against Jamie Noble and I am actually glad they don't bother with a Cruiserweight Title anymore because I am not of the opinion that weight classes are necessary if they are only *pretending* to fight. But man these matches so far have been short by the standards of like weekly TV matches let alone pay per view extravaganzas what gives? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">PHILLIES THROWBACK JOHN CENA is all like THE KID PUMPIN UP HIS SHOES THAT'S WHO YOU GOT YOUR MONEY ON / BET ON ANYBODY ELSE AND YO YOUR MONEY GONE</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A video package that was probably longer than either match so far tells the pretty complex chain of events that has led to the upcoming Chavo Guerrero with Chavo Guerrero Sr. vs. Eddie Guerrero match and Eddie Guerrero was so bad at *outside-the-ropes* acting (*not* inside the squared circle where he was in fact near perfect pretty much always) when he was called to act in a way that would elicit sympathy from the crowd that it actually *did* elicit sympathy because we all liked him so much that we were like there there, Eddie; we know you are trying really hard; there there. Eddie comes out in a pretty rad little truck that looks like a Hot Wheels and you know what has barely increased during our lifetime? The price of Hot Wheels so if ever you have a child be that a masculine child or a feminine child you would be well advised I think to foster a love of tiny cars over all other toys if that is at all possible which it may not in fact be AND HERE WE GO and I have high hopes here. I am tempted to say that the collar-and-elbow tie-up that I just witnessed was the most expressive collar-and-elbow tie-up I have ever seen, no lie. Chavo slaps Eddie across the face and Eddie has this look on that I will be unable to convey to you to words but is like "really? this is the way you are going to behave? *you* think this is how people behave?" and my god Eddie was just juiced to the gills at his point wasn't he. Well at least it fuckin killed him. Of all the many many dead wrestlers I think Eddie Guerrero is right up there with Mr. Perfect for me as the ones that "bum me out" the most. I don't know if anybody disliked Eddie Guerrero and if they did they were awful probably. Even people who *don't* like wrestling liked Eddie Guerrero in my experience and I am basing that entirely on one thing my wife said once and let me take you back to a time when we were so broke man like *so broke* when we were still in school and I kind of wanted to get the Eddie Guerrero dvd set which is obviously really stupid and honestly I would have felt pretty guilty just straight up getting it so I told my wife it was something I wanted to get even though obviously we didn't have a ton of extra money (lol we would not have described *any* of our money as "extra" just then) and she said and I quote directly "my problem was never with Eddie Guerrero." How could it be? How could it be. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This match is excellent btw and to my surprise it is "worked" in a very modern way and by that I mean there are elements of for-real-fighting that you might not expect like for instance Eddie Guerrero attempts a *jujigatame* or "cross mark hold" or as it usually rendered "armbar" from the guard position after a Chavo double-leg takedown and punches from guard and I am stunned that that just happened. Despite his very poor treatment at the hands of his nephew Eddie stops just short of striking him with a closed fist and this happens on several occasions and it is totally compelling. In the end Eddie hits his "three amigos" consecutive vertical suplexes which honestly I was never that big on as it seemed plainly derivative of his hideous murderous buddy although perhaps I should simply view it as *homage* and anyway it is a "Frog Splash" and that is it. Really a very good match! And Eddie who has restrained himself throughout all of this unleashes upon his brother Chavo the right hand with which he would not strike his nephew and lol then he ties Chavo Classic to the bottom rope by the man's own necktie and now actually is going to town on young Chavo with kicks in the corner and now a ton of right hands to a recently bladed forehead and lol wtf he has just dragged Chavito across the ring by his fuckin mouth is this a *heel turn* that we are witnessing or this is some sort of nascent tweenerism or something? There was a viciousness there man that bordered even on malice imo.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is an add for the Mick Foley dvd set and if you have not seen either it or the matches upon it on youtube or something I suggest you do so! Backstage Chris Benoit is interrupted in the midst of his Royal Rumble thoughts by Ric Flair and his buddies Big Dave and the Intercontinental Champion Randy Orton and they have champagne and Flair is like "you are the greatest technical wrestler in the world you are Chris Benoit but you are not going to win tonight WOOOOO" and Tazz is like not for nothin' Michael Cole but I think Ric Flair might be right that Benoit can't ever seem to win the big one and WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY is fuckin Sparky Plugg challenging Brock Lesnar for the WWE Championship? Oh I see it is because a year ago Brock basically murdered him with a fairly botched power bomb OK. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But is that enough? I mean shit who wants to see Bob Holly do anything at all ever? Certainly not this grappling enthusiast. Hey when did they switch it around so the WWE Championship became the Raw belt and THE BIG GOLD BELT that of Smackdown? Because here it is the other way around. Also isn't it weird how now Smackdown guys are on Raw all the time now but not the other way around? I guess I would prefer everyone to be on everything and maybe there really are too many belts like the internet says but it is not something I feel "passionately" about in the least actually. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the early going this match is dumb in that after an initial flurry by Hardcore Holly Brock Lesnar has Holly in like a bearhug on the ground from behind with one hook in for a couple minutes and it looks like shit and Holly is selling it like grim death and after a "Fisherman Buster" which is a pretty funny name for a pretty cool move he is fuckin BACK to that dumb looking visibly loose-as-the-loosest-of-stools hold and jesus christ after a belly-to-belly suplex they are BACK in that same position only now Lesnar has both hooks in and Holly is being controlled in what is sometimes called the "seatbelt position" or "over/under" and that is not a submission hold you idiots stop carrying on as though it is you are insulting my truly uncommon intelligence that is easily insulted by insufficiently plausible wrestling holds. Holly escapes and after an "Alabama Slam" they are on the ground again HOWEVER this time it is Holly who takes Lesnar's back and he gets a full nelson on there and then they are on the outside and he still has that same hold on which is not making the most of being on the outside imo and then when they are back in it is an F5 and the pin and man all of these matches are pretty rushed like none of them are going ten minutes even although it must be said that the Eddie/Chavo match was entirely sufficient. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Up next we have Triple H against Shawn Michaels in a "last man standing" match which lol Jim Ross calls "A SLOBBERKNOCKER SEVEN YEARS IN THE MAKING" lol. And you had better believe there is a video package. Did you know that in my view if Triple H would have never touched a sledgehammer in his career he would be almost unassailable as a performer? I mean you can be all GRRRRR NEPOTISM etc and I am not going to argue with you but just as a guy who fights but not for real he is excellent almost all the time except for that fuckin sledgehammer stuff which as has been discussed previously is just so absurd like here is a guy hitting another guy with *a fucking sledgehammer* and the guy is temporarily inconvenienced by that fact but not like actually dead which is what one would reasonably expect were he struck by *a fucking sledgehammer* but idk I don't want to get into that too much. Of all the zany things to mind in the strange world of professional wrestling this is probably a weird one to bother about so I will not belabour it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">lol this Heart Break "Kid" is fuckin baaaaaaaaaaaaaald</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Full disclosure: I expect this to suck a little bit because "Last Man Standing" matches are in my experience almost totally uninteresting because so many of the usual things that make you go OH HEY in a bout of professional wrestling such as edge-of-your-seat near-falls and thrilling submission holds are nowhere to be seen and the "finish" in a match like this is by its very nature all dragged out in a way that I don't find compelling at all usually so I mean *we'll see* but I don't expect much even though these are two very good wrestlers and I apologize for not mentioning that Triple H enters this match as the World Heavyweight Champion but lol you probably figured. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK yeah so both guys went really hard here and by the end of it THEY ARE BOTH BLEEDING LIKE STUCK PIGS BAH GAWD etc and there was a really cool part where Michaels did like a springboard cross-body to the outside but missed and went through the table and they did all kinds of good stuff I guess but I was not captivated by it man I simply was not. I actually thought the best part was the finish when after Michaels barely made it to his feet after a double-underhook facebuster that Jim Ross called a "Pedigree" he landed a Fatu-esque reverse thrust kick that felled the champion but neither superkicker nor superkickee could make it to their feet and so the match was ruled a draw which honestly I kind of liked but the crowd did not as evidenced by their chants of BUUUULLLLLSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT and not in a way where they were like WE LOVE SHAWN MICHAELS AND HE WAS ROBBED HERE THIS IS NOT APPROPRIATE but in a way where they were like fuk this garbage, I think. But idk I thought it was a pretty good way to do it! Triple H is stretchered to the back and it looks like that is also how HBK will leave HOWEVER he gets to his feet in a symbolic triumph or something.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Howard Finkel is here once again somehow and commentary for this the ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH will be provided by Jim Ross and Peter Senerchia (9) 103-27 Woodhaven Blvd. Ozone Park, NY 11417 Enjoys bowling. Bruno Sammartino his favorite. Likes good guys. Anyone for pen pals. Raw General Manager Eric Bischoff and Smackdown General Manager Paul E. Heymanously who both probably only exist in those capacities to give Vince McMahon a cockstrong power boner come out to the ring for a couple of pretty dumb minutes and then a camo-ensconced "Stone Cold" Steve Austin hits the ring in an "all terrain vehicle" that has little 3:16 flags on it and this is the point at which I actually started to *mind* Steve Austin on those rare occasions that I would see him (again I was not watching with any regularity at all) which seemed like such a horrible thing to do man to *mind* Steve Austin and I felt bad about it then and I still do now and anyway there are KICKWHAMSTUNNERings and beer and everything and that all felt pretty superfluous man this is the ROYAL RUMBLE it doesn't need anything like that it just needs to START and yet it still has not because here we are with Terri Runnels backstage talking with Bill GOOOOOOLDBERG who is apparently the number thirty entrant but he is interrupted by Brock Lesnar who was not as good at talking at this point as he would someday be as a *shoot* fighter and lol Bill Goldberg suuuuuucks at wrestletalk because he puts on *rrrrr this voice rrrrrr* that is neither convincing nor compelling imo so eat shit Goldberg also if you ever do mixed martial arts commentary again please do not spend time *during matches* talking about how good you would definitely have been at this sport you never did IF ONLY IF ONLY you were younger just don't say anything about that at all and one final thought don't kick Bret Hart in the head for real when you are only supposed to pretend thnx.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK IT IS TIME AND HERE IS CHRIS BENOIT IN AT NUMBER ONE WILL HE BE ABLE TO GO THE DISTANCE LIKE THE GREAT SHAWN MICHAELS BEFORE HIM and of course yes we know that he will be able to do exactly that but let's see how it all happens! In at number two we have the Intercontinental Champion Randy Orton who of course would meet Benoit for the World Heavyweight Title at The Summerslam as mentioned previously and as also mentioned previously I was there isn't that an amazing fact? I think Randy Orton is as awesome wrestler like an *awesome* wrestler and the "house show" I saw at the historic Halifax Forum with my brother this fall only cemented that impression further in that he had an excellent "triple threat" match for the heavyweight title with Mark Henry and Christian and it was *excellent.* Hey speak of the devil here is Mark Henry now! This year for the first time there is a little thing or "graphic" in the corner that gives the entrant number in addition to that entrant's name for example "Entry 3 Mark Henry" and that is a bold step in the right direction imo. DO IT TAJIRI YEEEEEAH but I fear that he will not in fact "do it" although he *does* to the extent that he hits his handspring elbow on Randy Orton however he also becomes the first but I simply cannot imagine the last victim of Benoit's rolling German suplexes on this the evening of the thirty-man over-the-top-rope Royal Rumble and son of a bitch this is a ninety-second Rumble isn't it? Although I probably shouldn't be so judgmental because the previous year's was a ninety-second one and it was *rad as hell.* In at number four is a newly-shorn Bradshaw only like moments away from becoming JBL and he lariats the living shit out of everybody but is caught in a Crippler Crossface and then tossd over the top rope and TAJIRI IS STILL IN LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our sixth entrant is Rhyno and I always thought he was pretty good but at least some of that might be carry-over from how awesome The Rhino is in Spider-Man and specifically in the old Spider-Man cartoon like the *really* old one not the johnny-come-lately FOX series of the 1990s which was in fact actually way better obviously. Rhyno gores Mark Henry in the corner which means Tajiri who had been on the top turnbuckle is out :( and then Benoit *with a head of steam* bumps Mark Henry out and now it is OOOOH YEEEEEEAH DA DA DUNN DA DA DA DUNNNN Matt Hardy. Tazz refers to Matt Hardy as "the sensei of Mattitude" which is inarguable. lol in at number eight we have BIG POPPA PUMP and he has such shitty "steinerlines" at this point that it is unreal. He suplexes a bunch of guys which is fine but Steiner was really at his best when he was saying things he had only recently heard on Black Entertainment Television's "106 and Park" an jotted down and he's not doing that right now. Yep there is another set of German suplexes from Chris Benoit this time on Steiner and I mean get used to that I figure. Here is Matt Morgan who is described here as a "blue chipper" and he comes in and sit-out power bombs Benoit right away and then is like big boot Matt Hardy take that. "Morgan's a big hoss, I'll tell you that," notes big-hoss enthusiast James Ross WHO did you know read some early drafts of the book JS and I wrote and said that he found them helpful as he was beginning to learn the sport? When I related this fact to my wife she went BAH GAWD THAT'S HELPFUL to which I was like lol and then she was like lol too. The Hurricane *storms* into the ring get it but he is a comedic figure of irony and so Matt Morgan does away with him right away. lol Matt Hardy tried a "chop block" on Matt Morgan but Morgan was pretty clearly confused by this and didn't now how to "sell" the technique.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here comes Booker T who I have always enjoyed even before he denounced Hulk Hogan as a "n*gga" and in case you are wondering let me assure that yeah the asterisk in that unspeakable word indeed represents and "i." Did you hear how worked up Booker T got on Smackdown(!) last week talking about the kind of bond you form with your bros when you are from the streets? lol it was pretty funny. HEY ALRIGHT Booker T just got rid of Steiner as Kane entered the ring and Tazz is actually saying the word "goozle" as Kane chokeslams most of the dudes. Kane here is topless and maskless and hairless and this to me is Kane as I shall forever remember him which is maybe not true of everyone but is definitely so of me. The Undertaker's bell tolls as the timer counts down and Kane is like *zomg* and Booker T tips him out over the top during this moment of distraction but the Undertaker does not show up and moments later it is lol Spike Dudely and Kane makes his way up the ramp and punishes Spike for having the temerity to also be walking on the ramp and so it is a chokeslam for him and I now learn that Kane *literally* buried the Undertaker at The Survivor Series.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Benoit eliminates Rhyno just as RIKISIHI AKA FATU comes in and is all clotheslines and reverse thrust kicks and he offers Matt Morgan a "stink face" and JR is like "welcome to the WWE, rookie" and Tazz is like "welcome to Rikishi's ass, rookie" and it is like lol wtf is this that I am doing here man but I love it. OH MAN YEAH IT IS RENÉ DUPREE WHO IS AWESOME this guy is Emile Dupree's kid and Emile Dupree was basically the guy who ran Atlantic Grand Prix wrestling which as you know is the *territory* of my youth and also forever my heart and although he came of age long after the true AGPW era René would wrestle on all the little indie nostalgia shows that would come up and even when he was like seventeen it was like this kid is the real deal and then he went the WWE and he totally WAS and his little dance "The French Tickler" got crazy *over* but they told him to *cut it out* which is *bullshit* because I don't care if it was inappropriate for *a heel* to get that kind of *pop* from the crowd god damn it I wanted to see it if I was at wrestling and so was he. Shit he was only twenty here. lol Tazz is like "he is not to be confused with the American French guy you guys have on Raw, right, Rob Conway, the American French guy?" and JR is like yeeeeah the deal is Conway is a sympathizer but I hear you. Dupree dropkicks Matt Hardy out and YEEEAAAHH THERE IS HIS LITTLE DANCE but Rikishi lays in wait (lol more like "weight" amirite) throughout the entirety of the dance and then reverse thrust kicks him out but oh well he came he eliminated a dude he French tickled and he got Fatu'd. That is a solid night's work imo even if it only took twenty-five seconds.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK what did I miss while praising René Dupree let's see here let me back this up a little bit OK here we are: Albert enters the match at number sixteen and I didn't know he was an offensive lineman at Pitt that's neat and OK Benoit got Matt Morgan up and over the corner and now Orton sneakily tips both Rikishi and Booker T over the top so we are down to Benoit, Orton, and good old Albert in there right now. Shelton Benjamin enters at like the very instant Benoit eliminates Albert and nobody notices that for a second. Jim Ross was very into saying that Shelton Benjamin was the best athlete in the history of both this and all possible worlds at this time but OH NO he just kind of jumped out over the top whilst attempt to "kick" Randy Orton so we're down to Benoit and Orton who have been *in there* from the beginning as you may recall. Next in is Ernest "The Cat" Miller with his personal ring announcer who is like Lamont or something and HOLY SHIT IT IS THE FUNAKSAURUS BRODUS CLAY'S MUSIC as we are asked to call his momma. I really had no idea they had ever used that awesome song before. Anyway these two figures of merrymaking, Miller and I think it was Lamont, are tossed out after like thirty seconds of carrying on. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here comes Kurt Angle who I think is cheered here but who also gets the big "YOU SUCK" reaction to his song so idk what is happening here and further we are told that Angle has dedicated his performance tonight to American servicemen and servicewomen so yeah idk what his situation is right here other than that he gets shockingly dismissed from World Wrestling Entertainment service before much longer, right? Maybe he gets to one more Rumble in but I don't really remember. Rico is number twenty and is he a dandy of some kind? Benoit is German suplexing Kurt Angle a bunch of times as Orton fireman carries Rico out and why don't more people do that? Benoit would like to top-rope headbutt a dude but Angle cuts that off. OH SHIT RKO ON KURT ANGLE and the clock strikes NEXT DUDE PLEASE and Test's music hits (so they tell me; I would not know Test's music) and we are shown Test laid out backstage and Steve Austin whose voice is weird is like WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO to somebody off camera and then he's like WELL I GUESS YOU'RE THE TWENTY-FIRST ENTRANT GET OUT THERE and it's MICK FOLEY and he is assaulting what Jim Ross calls "the pretty face of Randy Orton" and you can't even really make fun of that I guess because it's true. lol Foley clotheslines Orton out over the with a maneuver namely a *clothesline* that carries he himself to the outside as well and then he is like BANG BANG and I am like fuk yeah and then he strangles Orton with some wires and stuff. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At number twenty-two it is CAPTAIN CHARISMA CHRISTIAN YEEEEEAH HE LIKES TO SAY THINGS ABOUT HIS PEEPS AND THE CHRISTIAN COALITION AND STUFF LIKE THAT AND I LIKE IT YEEEEEAAAHHH and Orton and Foley are going at it pretty good outside with chairs and the ring steps and all that kind of thing and I really like both of those guys. I guess this is building towards something between Orton and Foley for later because we get a full ninety seconds of those guys rather than anything going on in the ring and as the next guy gets called that being Nunzio and Mick Foley sockos the guy. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Back to the action in the ring, Christian goes hard at Benoit however Angle intercedes and German suplexes both Christian and Benoit and I am wondering if Puddintaine is right that there were just altogether too many suplexes in this period and I am only *wondering* that mind you because I really like suplexes but I am finding myself increasingly unmoved by them in this Royal Rumble match. Big Show is in at number twenty four and you know what maybe it is not as good to have the number right up on the screen; maybe some of the pleasure is kind of losing track a little and being like OH MAN HOW MANY GUYS ARE EVEN LEFT and then maybe you hear from the announcers what number you're at *but maybe you don't* and yeah actually I think that is the way to do it. Man Christian is *awesome.* I wasn't really watching wrestling when he left and went to TNA for a while so what was that all about? JERICHO is in and he and Christian work over Angle and lol Big Show gets involved with guys and JR is like "THEY TRY TO MOUNT BIG SHOW FROM BEHIND" and yeah I tittered so what. Charlie Haas is in and man that is one nondescript guy who is like tag team vertical suplexed by Jericho and Christian. Nunzio btw still hasn't entered the ring. Christian who is probably one of the best *bumpers* I know of take a nice spill to the outside at the hands of Jericho and wtf Billy Gunn was still around in 2004? "Fame-ass-er" is not much of a name for a cool move. lol Tazz is like "he used to be married to a guy -- you've been married a bunch of times JR have you ever been married to a guy?" and JR was like "uh no" and I am like loosen up man try it next time who knows. Boy Benoit sure is crazy about German suplexes lol there he goes again.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">THE DOCTOR OF THUGANOMICS is out next in his baby blue Phillies Tugg McGraw throwback and I really liked John Cena's old music better than his new music but things change I get it. We're really getting down to it here as RRRRRRRRR VVVVVVVVVVVVV DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD is in at number twenty nine and we know Goldberg is in next (they should never tell us who is number thirty ahead of time btw) and JR says that RVD might be the greatest wrestler to never be the world's champion and lol they try man they really try but he elects to get very very high and is stripped iirc. Cena tossed Nunzio into the ring a minute ago btw and now he hits Angle with an F-U. Here's Goldberg and I don't think I've ever seen so much as a minute of Goldberg in WWE. He spears Big Show and kind of barely touches Charlie Haas who flies out and over for him in a pretty shitty way and now it is a spear for poor Nunzio and then he tosses out Mr. Ass and then Nunzio and I thought the deal was they did not *book* Goldberg *strong* enough? He is straight up killing dudes oh OK until Brock Lesnar runs in and hits the F5 and lol Goldberg is so shitty at *selling* and anyway Kurt Angle tips him out from behind and GOOD because you're stupid Goldberg.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alright so we've got Benoit, RVD, Jericho, Angle, Cena all working on the Big Show but BABOOOOOOM he throws them all off him and now dudes are all just bouncing off him and yeah that is the kind of reverence with which a dude of his girth should always be treated in a Royal Rumble and oh man this is *fucking awesome* as everybody hits their *tokui waza* or *preferred technique* on this the Biggest of all Shows after he gets chop blocked by Angle whilst attempting a slam of Cena so it's like LIONSAULT FIVE-STAR FROG SPLASH FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE SWAN DIVE HEAD BUTT YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAH and that is basically the promise of the Royal Rumble concept realized in like one forty-five-second sequence of MOOOOOOOOOVES and I am having like a Fire Progasm or something I don't know how to describe it. Now everybody Angle has organized everybody to try to get Big Show up and out but he is like NO FUK U and he throws Cena out and AARRRGHHHHH Cena's knee got sooooooo fucked up the way he landed and he is being *shoot* attended to because that is some gruesome and grisly shit woah. RVD works over Big Show in the corner but he goes for a monkey flip and is just tossed right out for his troubles so our final four consists of Big Show, Jericho, Angle, and the corpse of John Cena on the outside. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jericho is the only guy up and after Big Show right now and a bulldog from the second turnbuckle is I think an underrated maneuver and YEEEEEEAHHH WALLS OF JERICHO and Big Show is tapping but of course that means nothing and come on Kurt Angle why would you break that up man have a fuckin clue out there. WOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAH CHOKE SLAM TO THE FLOOR JERICHO IS OUT man that was pretty cool and now there is a choke slam for Benoit as well and Angle attempts a German suplex on *the big man* but Big Show counters with his rump HOWEVER ANGLE SLAM ANGLE SLAM first on Big Show and then on Benoit and Tazz is like THAT'S FOR THE AMERICAN TROOPS and Angle counters out of a choke slam and ends up rolling through to an ankle lock which sounds better than it was actually but it was OK. OH COOL Big Show kind of dove over the top rope and back in pulling Angle over and out because he was totally attached to his ankle and in fact the replay reveals that that was *really cool* and now it is Big Show vs. Benoit FOR ALL THE MARBLES and Benoit hits a diving headbutt from the top turnbuckle to the Big Show standing on the apron and it knocks Big Show back in and for whatever reason the crowd was not that into that move but I liked it! Big Show goes for the chokeslam but it is countered into a Crippler Crossface but Big Show is like oh OK and he just kind of stands up and slams him down like it is not a tremendously big deal to do so. He pulls down his shoulder straps and is like COME TO ME BENOIT which is actually a direct quote here believe it or not and then he presses him overhead but Benoit is like GUILLOTINE and now he is on the apron but he keeps pulling and the Big Show is teetering and YES BENOIT BENOIT HAS DONE IT and call me soft on the crimes of infanticide and ladymurder if you must but that was a *really* good Royal Rumble match! Benoit was of course very good throughout but the best part FOR SURE was when Big Show was crushing dudes so they all had to BAND TOGETHER and hit like A MILLION FINISHERS and THAT IS HOW YOU DO IT </span><br />
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<br /></div>ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-36191329468078821992012-01-31T11:06:00.001-08:002012-01-31T11:06:47.657-08:002003 ROYAL RUMBLE<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">THINGS FEEL VERY DIFFERENT HERE AT THE 2003 ROYAL RUMBLE as we are now enjoying World Wrestling *Entertainment* as the "F' has successfully been gotten out and what we for some reason all agreed to call the "brand extension" as though that were a sensible thing to say had taken place and so Raw and Smackdown were two largely discrete entities except for at the big shows like this the Royal Rumble so I mean you're still getting all of the dudes out there but the premise just isn't as good: fifteen guys from each of the two shows will enter the Royal Rumble and the winner gets to CHALLENGE HIS BRAND'S CHAMPION AT WRESTLEMANIA just seems like not as big of a deal, you know? And it is the stakes man *the stakes* that make the Royal Rumble what it is in large part although the very first one with like zero stakes ended up being pretty cool so idk. But my thought going in is that the wrestling might well prove excellent here *qua* wrestling but idk if I will be as emotionally invested here man that is not something I can guarantee you what with Michael Cole and Tazz calling half the matches at ringside and Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler a million miles away in the Tony Schiavone/Steve "Mongo" McMichael broadcast position it just feels strange and wrong.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our opening contest features The Big Show in there with THE NEXT BIG THING Brock Lesnar who is making his Royal Rumble debut here as I believe he debuted the night after Wrestlemania X8 which I would remind you I attended and so jacked up was I by that event that I was like hellllll yeah I will watch Raw the next night and I don't think it was very good and so I stopped watching wrestling *seriously* again for a couple of years I guess but I do recall Brock Lesnar appearing from the crowd and wrecking some dudes at Paul E. Heymanously's behest. The winner of this match will go on to participate in the Royal Rumble match itself later in the evening and so there is every incentive here for both competitors to *bring it* and they do and in the end have A Good Match of which the high points were certainly: Lesnar's belly-to-belly suplexery of his much larger foe; Big Show sending Lesnar bouncing over the top rope such that his back cracked against the apron in a way that probably *shoot* hurt; and Lesnar's counter of a chokeslam with a deep armdrag into a pinning combination. Yes the traitorous Heyman who has sided with the Big Show here receives his comeuppance and also there is an F5 so yeah you've got to call this A Good Match between the then-youngest man to have held the World Title and "The World's Largest Athlete" so there you go. I think Lesnar lost that title of being the youngest guy to win the championship when one Randall K. Orton bested his mark at the The Summerslam that I attended at Toronto's sterile and wrong Air Canada Centre and I will probably tell you more about that later because why would you not want to hear things about that but it is not now the time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Dudley Boyz overcame the commonwealth duplicity of Lance Storm and brass-knuckle enthusiast William Regal (fuck man I totally typed "Steven" there at first and I thought I was over that) to claim their sixteenth world tag team title and I know I should care a lot more about a match between the always-at-least-totally-fine Dudleyzzzzzzz and a dude who is a *shooter* from Blackpool and a guy who was trained in the *The Dungeon* and wears Pancrase gear but there is nothing here that really catches my interest. I am disappointed that the Dudley Boyz seem to no longer go WASSSUUUUUP before they do the thing that they normally do only after they go WAAASSSUUUUUP however they do manage to hit a 3-D which is one of the better tag team moves ever imo.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Maybe the best angle I have ever heard of reaches its climax when Torrie Wilson exacts her revenge upon Dawn Marie for marrying Wilson's father and then fucking him to death. The match was a nothing match and it ended maybe eight minutes before I am writing this sentence but I can't remember the finish and Dawn Marie looks uncannily like a woman I used to work a data entry job with which *weirds* me out somewhat but lol that angle man that *angle.* Dawn Marie went so far as to come to the ring in a veil of mourning. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BIG POPPA PUMP FREAKZILLA SCOTT STEINER is about to challenge Triple H for the World Heavyweight Championship which is just the best possible news. A video package shows all kinds of contract wrangling and secret clause stuff which is less compelling than the arm wrestling contest and posedown highlights that are also shown. We've reached the point in professional wrestling history where Triple H absolutely refused to do anything unless he could have Ric Flair there with him and I totally get where he is coming from there. I do not believe that the match that is about to occur here is the incredibly and famously awful one that some people think is like pretty much the worst main event match in World Wrestling Federtainment history or anything but maybe it is! I am ready for whatever occurs, I think. Earl Hebner is apparently the southernest guy ever which I learn only now in his pre-match instructions to both men and he makes it clear that he wants no nonsense here. Triple H is wearing red trunks for the first time possibly ever and they are adorned with an iron cross which suggests a radically different aesthetic than that of Freakzilla who opts for black boots and tights that have like two Superman logos and a number one in American flag colours and "BIG POPPA PUMP" on the back and they really are among the worst ones.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As the match begins Triple H takes a pretty solid beating in the corner and then outside and then inside and then in another corner. Steiner is dominant in this his first appearance at the Royal Rumble in nine years and that is the worst Boston crab you are likely to see that Triple H just escaped. You had every right to expect that facebuster that Triple H just landed to have *turned the tide* but it was *no sold* and a bear hug and belly-to-belly suplex later Big Poppa Pump is thinking hard about the Steiner Recliner which is one of the better names for wrestling moves but Ric Flair drags his fellow out of the ring. Finally Triple H is on the offensive after Freakzilla runs headlong into the biggest of boots and now on the outside he is *tasting the cold hard steel* of the ringside steps. This is not at all a bad match so far so there's no way this is the match that is often mentioned as being supershitty. In fact there are some pretty cool exchanges of holds and setups and things like that coming out of the corner where Triple H looks for the Pedigree but ends up suplexed and then they exchange what look like tombstone piledriver setups but Triple H goes into this cool neckbreaker and yeah there is nothing wrong with this. Triple H comes off the top and finds himself belly-to-belly suplexed yet again! Man there's another one. How many suplexes in this match man this is crazy there's another one and ANOTHER one and the crowd is really booing this right now but I think in the good way, you know? Shit man ANOTHER suplex this is not just good this is kind of awesome actually oh wait Steiner tried a double underhook powerbomb of sorts but he just totally fell and that's not awesome but I mean on the whole this match is cool. SUPLEX from the middle turnbuckle and I am still not as clear as I should probably as to whether or not that is technically a superplex and Triple H is leaving man he is just straight up leaving ad Flair is with him and oh my the referee is distracted and Triple H attempts to hit Steiner with the belt but he failed and then Steiner hits HIM with the belt but it is the softest most timid belt shot going and yet this is the point at which Triple H *blades* which is kind of funny. Back in the ring there is yet another suplex and the crowd really seems to hate all these suplexes but I don't! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Triple H is doing everything he can to get counted out but Big Poppa Pump will not allow this to happen and now he is doing push-ups in the ring to both display his fitness and taunt his foe. Now Triple H is trying to get disqualified by intentionally tossing the referee around but Hebner is like NOOOOO RASSLE and lol yeah there's another suplex. (Notes for further study: enumerate every belly-to-belly suplexes that occurs in Triple H's 2003 Royal Rumble title defense against Big Poppa Pump Freakzilla Scott Steiner.) Triple H eventually gets his wish for a DQ when he finds the sledgehammer under the ring and yeah that's how it goes. Hebner is yelling some garbled nonsense that you can't make out YOU FLANAMARRGLAFLURRR POWER! YOU FLANAMARRGLAFLURRR POWER! and now Eric Bischoff who is the Raw General Manager which is stupid has run down to the ring to help sort all this MADNESS out as Steiner had an unconscious Triple H trapped in the Steiner Recliner and lol the crowd haaaaaaaated this finish.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ah I see we have another title match here this time a WWE Championship bout as Chris Benoit challenges Kurt Angle and I probably saw this match on the HARD KNOCKS: THE CHRIS BENOIT STORY dvd set that I haven't watched in a number of years but that lol I imagine has not aged particularly well in certain respects. Angle is out first despite being the champion which is not something I care for and he is accompanied by Shelton Benjamin and some other guy and whatever happened to Shelton Benjamin anyway? I learn that Kurt Angle won the title from the Big Show a month ago and this is his first title defense and something else I learn is that the other guy is Charlie Haas. Here's Benoit coming out to what I believe to be an Our Lady Peace song and they are not a good band but arr harmless. MY GOODNESS Team Angle has been ejected from the ringside area before the match has even begun! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And now the match has begun. Benoit goes for the sharpshooter within thirty seconds and Angle bails to the outside rightly wary of that excruciating hold. Angle applies the SLEEPER not long after but an arm drag is a pretty good escape from that! Lots of fast back-and-forth stuff here this is already pretty compelling. Michael Cole explains that these two were reluctant tag team partners for a time? Your referee in case you were wondering is the recently drug-suspended Mike Chioda. A ring apron DDT by Benoit as I ponder whether or not there could be a dumber body than that of Christ Benoit with these almost dwarfish little limbs knotted with juiced up muscle man he is *really* funny looking and not at all in keeping with the classical Greek idealizations of masculinity that I myself share (no homo? j/k totally homo). He misses a top rope headbutt but escapes an "Angle Slam" and applies the dreaded Sharpshooter but as you have no doubt already determined it is way too early for that to be it and so moments later Angle catches Benoit coming off the ropes with a pretty cool belly-to-belly suplex which is like the official technique of the 2003 Royal Rumble undercard and if you *had* to pick one move to see a million times you could do worse really. Snap mare to a rear-naked choke with hooks in on the ground from Angle and it is kind of dumb to call anything in wrestling or even mixed martial arts a rear "naked" choke because the "naked" part in hadaka jime refers to how it is not a gi strangle because *of course* it is not a gi strangle if nobody is wearing a gi so let's all just call it a rear choke or something and there have been some suplexes in the last minute or two but we're back to that same choke so don't worry about it. After a minute it's more like a chin lock so you can stop worrying about pretend strangle terminology too at least for the time being.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A double clothesline that sounded better than any other double clothesline has ever sounded puts both men down for a count of nine but when they get up there is a little bit of running around before Benoit hits his three German suplexes in a row only Angle got one in in the middle there too which was cool and one's thoughts turn to how cool that move looked in Fire Pro for GBA for some reason, way cooler than in any of the obviously much fancier WWF/E games and then Benoit blows an absolutely ferocious snot rocket just before he ascends to the top turnbuckle and I am sure we are all anticipating a top rope head butt here HOWEVER Angle runs up the turnbuckles and throws Benoit with yep a belly-to-belly suplex and now there are dueling ankle locks and then a CRIPPLER CROSSFACE which Angle escapes and lol we certainly have factual evidence that not everyone does so good job Kurt but then it is on again but then not then again but then not and ANGLE SLAM for twoooooooooooo and this is by any reasonable standard an excellent match of professional wrestling. With Angle's straps down to tell you the extent to which *it is on* there is another ankle lock but I don't know if I believe in that lock right now. Crazy German suplexes now man just *crazy* ones like the *release* one that sends Angle tumbling overhead and then Benoit hits a top rope head butt on Angle who was laying pretty much in the opposite corner and no matter who you've murdered or how ladies and gentlemen that was some kind of maneuver. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Angle just did like a power bomb only it went like *the other way* and sent Benoit's head into the turnbuckle and as he came out of the corner this *Rabid Wolverine* found himself in another Angle slam for twooooooooooooooooooooooo and now a Crippler Crossface is reversed into an ankle lock and he's out and he's in and you know I am starting to think that this ankle lock is going to be the end for Benoit and yeah it is and I wonder if Jack Swagger ever puts this match on and like a single tear rolls down his cheek as he sees how *over* the ankle lock used to be. Benoit stands alone in the middle of the ring after the champion has left and he receives a standing ovation from this Boston crowd and iirc they tried to make something like this happen a couple of other times for other people and it didn't always work did it? I am trying to remember the circumstances and details but I remember it falling pretty flat at least one other time they tried it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Backstage we are shown the great RVD stretching and Kane comes by and is like you are a good tag team partner but I will eliminate you and RVD is like that's cool dude it is every man for himself bro and I am like lol I love you Rob Van Dam. Let me say that if you gave me a minute to think about it I could probably name you *most* of the guys who have won the Royal Rumble from 2003 until our present day but I definitely wouldn't be able to tell you which years or the circumstances in which they won or anything like that so really we are entering a period of pretty profound mystery and intrigue for me. I watched the 2011 Royal Rumble as it happened so I know all about that one but everything else from 2003 to 2010 I am pretty unclear on so let's explore together OK? I am a little disappointed to learn that this is a ninety-second affair but I get it I guess they had a couple of title bouts that had to go reasonably long I get it. Our first entrant is the Heart Break Kid Shawn Michaels who is unretired which is good and number two is Chris Jericho who comes out to his awesome Megatron-becomes-Galvatron video ONLY WAIT THAT ISN'T JERICHO THAT'S CHRISTIAN who serves as a distraction as the true Y2J sneaks through the crowd and assaults Shawn Michaels from behind! A low blow, a chair shot, and a solid *blade job* later and that's it for Shawn Michaels and now Chris Nowinski is the next guy and you might recall him from getting lots of concussions and now being an advocate for further research into chronic traumatic encephalopathy and idk if that's really necessary do you. He has not yet entered the ring however as Rey Mysterio who is called at number four actually precedes him. Rey does some excellent flippy things in and on and around Jericho and now all of a sudden Edge is in too and he is spearing dudes and Mysterio hits a top rope hurricanrana and lol remember when Mysterio got popped for steroids? He really did get pretty jacked for a while there or perhaps yoked would be the modern way to say that and while Jericho and Nowitski both *take a powder* on the outside Edge and Mysterio fuckin *tear it up* on the inside man they are really good at this. And now CHRISTIAAAAAAN CHRISTIIIIAAAAAAAAAN AT LAAAAAST YOU'RE OOOOON YOU'RE OOOOOOOOWN lol I had totally forgotten about that and he comes in and he is filled with hugging love for his pretend brother Edge but Edge is like wtf and spears him and HOLY SHIT Nowinski is supposed to get double missile dropkicked by Edge and Mysterio I guess but Edge leaves a split second too late and ends up basically diving feet first on dude's fuckin face as he's laying on the ground and it's GREAT. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Chavo is in next and the pace is nuts man it is NUTS. The ninety-second intervals might actually be an advantage here if guys are going to go this all-out and it would appear that they totally are! A couple of 619s occur on Chavo and Cristian and then Rey is caught in midair by Nowinski but he like hurricanranas him out and then Jericho clotheslines Mysterio out and this has been an *excellent* start to the evening's Royal Rumble match and on this subject there can be little meaningful debate in my view because this just owns. TAJIRI the Japanese Buzzsaw is the next man to enter the fray and I have always loved this guy and that is even before I just saw him do a modified airplane spin from like an octopus hold or something. Pretty good countdown timer this year too by the way! It plays into the neat water theme the graphics have this year. I have never heard of Bill Demont but we are told that he is a disturbed individual and he is from Tough Enough 3 and I really only watched like one episode of that ever and it was the one where Triple H came in and was like AAAAAAALLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH OF YOOOOOOOOOOUAHHHHHHHHH ARE AAAAAAWWWWWWFULLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAHHH </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tommy Dreamer arrives with a garbage can full of stuff and he takes a kendo stick to pretty much everybody and Edge grabs one too and they clobber Bill Demont out of the ring however Dreamer is soon thereafter struck by a *garbage lid concerto* of sorts by Christian and Jericho and is eliminated OH NO just when it seemed like Tajiri was getting in all his cool moves Jericho just like pushed him a little when he was going for the Tarantula and that is that. Edge makes short work of B-Squared who I guess is Bull Buchanan and they say he is a buddy of John Cena which is definitely the first tie his name has come up in any of these. Edge is on something of a roll here as he SPEARs Chavo off the apron and then he almost gets Jericho too however "shades of Shawn Michaels 1995" as JR puts it and Jericho is back in and dumps both Edge and Christian as they were *battling* along the ropes and Ross is like "so much for Canadian unity" and seriously JR do not raise the spectre that has so long haunted our people and a close-up shows that Jericho has a massive knot right on his forehead from stupid Tommy Dreamer's stupid kendo stick and it is bleeding pretty good too! RVD RVD RVD is in next and he gets basically all of his moves off on Chris Jericho in about seventy seconds and it quite a thing to see. Also he tries to *catapult* Jericho over the ropes which is not a thing you see enough of in these imo. Matt Hardy V 1.0 who strongly dislikes mustard is in next and his theme music at this time was AWESOME in my view it went OOOOOOHHH YEEEEEEEEEAHHH DUN DA DA DUN DA DA DUUUUUUUN and these three guys in here Jericho, Hardy and RVD are all pretty good FIVE STAR FROG SPLACH ON JERICHO and I love how much RVD *sold* that it hurt him to deliver so devastating a maneunver. Eddie Guerrero is in now and it's odd how little reaction there is for "Latino Heat" here but all that would change soon enough I guess and we are all of us together saying ROB VAN DAM just before a monkey flip out of the corner and FROG SPLASH FROM EDDIE AND NOW A TWIST OF FATE FROM HARDY and lol this pace is baaaaananas </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">AND HERE IS JEFF HARDY who has all kinds of red paint on his forehead and Matt attempts a truce but it is not an idea that is met with much favour and as Jeff Hardy strikes all the girlies go *eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee* and there's kind of a cool thing where Matt Hardy's second (idk who it is) lays down on the floor with is feet up so as to prevent Matt Hardy from being eliminated and ok it is Shannon Moore and he actually comes into the ring and takes a "Swanton" for his buddy which is big of him. Rosey from Three-Minute Warning is next and he is a pretty big dude compared to all these other guys in there right now. By the way this Royal Rumble is awesome so far. Here comes Test accompanied by the uncommonly lovely Stacy Kiebler and he murders several people directly with clotheslines and pump-handle maneuvers. We're past the halfway mark here too as Test was number seventeen and man this is FLYING.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">IT IS HEEL JOHN CENA ROCKIN IT THUGANOMICS STYLE IN RETRO HOUSTON ASTROS GEAR TWENTY NINE DOOOODS AND ONE RUTHLESS MC YEEEAH BESIDES OPEN MICS ONE THING THAT GETS ME BOILED IS AN OLD SCHOOL THIRTY-MAN BATTLE ROYAL and his rapping lasts pretty much the whole ninety seconds and Jim Ross goes "word to your mother" which is *le mot juste* imo. Charlie Haas is in next and he really did not last in this Federation of World Wrestling did he. I hope he is doing something productive with himself and applying his *hoss* abilities in ways that benefit both himself and his community. lol in a spot to which there is the semblance of truth Jeff Hardy jumps up to the top for seemingly no reason whatsoever and RVD just kind of pushes him off a little and he's gone and Eddie just did a rope walk wrist lock hurricunrana or something it was pretty cool. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Rikishi aka the great Fatu is in next and Ross tells us that he has been in the most Royal Rumbles ever with eight and STILL this gigantic dude is doing that corkscrew *sell* of a simple clothesline and he is again to be commended for that. Jamaal of Three Minute Warning is also in now and Rikishi vs. Three-Minute Warning is kind of what's happening here right now and it's pretty good. It is getting to the point where the ring is a little bit cluttered and one expects a clear out of some kind before aaaaahahaha right on cue here comes Kane and we are *assured* by JR that business has picked up as Kane walks through hellfire and brimstone in that announcer's view. Kane gets rid of Jamaal and then double chokeslams Matt Hardy and his bro Shannon Moore and wooooah Jericho came *crazy* close to getting eliminated right there. Shelton Benjamin is in and did you know he was a national champion in wrestling and a national champion in track and field or so it is here claimed? Man there are a lot of dudes in there still I would have sworn Kane would have just wrecked people for a couple minutes. Looks like Cena wore jeans and wrestling boots rather than shorts and sneakers at this time in case you were wondering about that. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Booker T is in and after a poor showing in last year's Royal Rumble one hopes for more from BOOK this time around and yeah he follows a *spinnerooni* (sp?) with a pretty glorious backdrop elimination of Eddie Guerrero who is destined for bigger things but alas ultimately the grave however who among us can say otherwise. What are your thoughts about boarding the A-Train? I ask you because he is in and he is destroying people for a little bit until he gets reverse thrust kicked by Rikishi who then turns his attention to Jericho who is proving quite tenacious! But hey here is Shawn Michaels all bandaged up and he is going right after Jericho in order to exact revenge and he does kind of in that Test tossed Jericho out amid the assault and then HBK flew out over the top at him in an impressive way for a guy who is seriously old and still I bet largely broken. Maven arrives and goes right after Kane which could prove a mistake! Jim Ross observes that the road to Wrestlemania has a lot of bumps and curves and suggests further that we are seeing some of them tonight. Goldust comes in at number twenty seven so we are really getting down to it in this so far very good Royal Rumble! Goldust is eliminated by Team Angle after mere moments in the ring and actually they get rid of Booker T too so maybe this is the "coming out party" for Team Angle?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">THE ANIMAL BATISTA IS HERE TO MAKE HIS ROYAL RUMBLE DEBUT and I guess he got into *the biz* relatively late in life didn't he? He sneakily does away with Test, pulling the rope down, and apparently Test fans are known as "Testicles." Batista enclobbers Rikishi out of the ring which is not good news to me and now here is Brock Lesnar who has already endured A Pretty Good Match against the Big Show earlier in the evening so who knows how much he will have here lol ok he just eliminated both Haas and Benjamin in about five seconds and then F5'd Matt Hardy out onto Team Angle on the floor and JR is like THAT DAMNED BROCK LESNAR JUST MANHANDLED MATT HARDY and Albert could straight up kick dudes in the face couldn't he? At number thirty we've got The Undertaker on a Motorcycle and he is being referred to on certain signs as "Big Evil" and this is a lot of dudes in the ring! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK The Undertaker gets rid of Cena and Jamaal right away and he chokeslams and eliminates Maven next perhaps because of last year and Albert just did this like choking Albert bomb maneuver of some kind to the Undertaker which was a pretty cool move. This has got to be the high point of Albert's career as he just wrecks dudes for a couple minutes before RVD and Kane put him out and actually RVD and Kane do a bunch of cool tag team moves where Kane hurls RVD at people and RVD thinks they are going to do another one but it tuns into Kane pressing him overhead and tossing him over the top rope and both parties are like LOL OH WELL. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So your final four consists of the Undertaker, Kane, Batista, and Brock Lesnar which somehow feels kind of anticlimactic for some reason idk but here is Lesnar with a belly-to-belly suplex on Batista and an F5 on Kane and then Lesnar and *'Taker* go at it one on one for a bit which is apparently a renewal of an earlier rivalry of some not and you know what these guys do some pretty cool stuff here with near-eliminations and an F5 attempt that ends up a Tombstone Piledriver. With Lesnar down for a minute the Undertaker clotheslines THE ANIMAL BATISTA AKA BIG DAVE over the top and then is like "Kane my fellow brother of destruction let us surrender to the siren call of the night and hold hands and run towards Brock Lesnar" but it is a TRICK and a RUSE and Kane is OUT and then Batista is back in with a chair and the Undertaker has to deal with him for a second and Lesnar takes that opportunity to tip him over from behind and BROCK LESNAR WINS THE ROYAL RUMBLE AND I HONESTLY HAD NO IDEA THAT EVER HAPPENED. The Undertaker decides to be an exemplary sportsman here and congratulate his better on this night and BROCK LESNAR IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA and ooooh yeah OK so this is how we get Lesnar and Angle at Wrestlemania XIX and Lesnar suiciding himself OK I get it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">While this Royal Rumble match was certainly not as near-perfect as last year's perhaps best one ever, it was really good! The fast pace of the first half of it was about as exciting as anything in any of these so far and I say that as someone who is as you know *quite* excitable during Royal Rumble matches and also the last bit was good even if at first I was like "oh, these guys; alright I guess." I liked Angle/Benoit *a lot* and Triple H/Freakzilla was not without its odd pleasures and oh yeah Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marrie wrestled because *Dawn Marrie married Torrie Wilson's father Al and fucked him to death* so on the whole this was a solid show. </span><br />ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-39286579235745877542012-01-31T11:05:00.000-08:002012-01-31T12:00:02.363-08:002002 ROYAL RUMBLE<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">THIS DOESN'T REALLY MAKE ANY SENSE but even though I totally went to Wrestlemania XVIII or "X8" as it was styled at the time as part of a capacity crowd of 68 237 in Toronto's most lasting testament to what the 1980s thought the future would look that is to say SKYDOME and actually my brother and I totally had an amazing time there even though security in a post 9/11 world proved to be ridiculous and caused completely needless delays that got us to our seats just as the final Sunday Night Heat match which involved Mr. Perfect was concluding even though we got there more than an hour early but yeah totally still an *amazing* time and more importantly an amazing time *together* thank you for asking that is nice of you DESPITE ALL OF THIS I have never ever seen the 2002 Royal Rumble. Isn't that nuts? Let us correct his oversight together as it time for the ROYAL RUMBLE YEEEEAAAAAAHH</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our first sign that the world of professional wrestling as we have known it has been forever changed comes to us in the sepia-toned opening video package that offers us a succinct history of the Royal Rumble that does not shy away from names like Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair and Bret Hart which of course would have been VERBOTEN until lol Vince McMahon bought fuckin EVERYTHING for like basically no money at all. Again we are very much in a period where I was paying pretty much no attention to wrestling so I had no sense of just what kinds of depths WCW or perhaps wCw had sunk and I was completely unaware of their business situation of course so when I just heard in passing somebody talking about how WCW was done and McMahon had bought the whole thing I was just "lol ok" and kept on just not really watching wrestling as I had been doing for really quite some time but when Wrestlemania X8 was announced for Toronto right after I had moved there for grad school (I am *extremely* intelligent) I ended up going to fuckin Wrestlemania despite not knowing really anything that had happened in wrestling since idk maybe since Jericho debuted on Raw or something like that? And it was totally awesome and the best time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">AND THE ROAD TO THAT ONLY WRESTLEMANIA I HAVE EVER BEEN TO OR WILL EVER EVER GO TO BEGINS HERE IN ATLANTA WHICH YOU RECALL IS NOT TRADITIONALLY A WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION TOWN and our opening match is a TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP affair involving Tazz who is again wearing track pants and a cutoff shirt instead of tights and this is a terrible look for him and his partner is little Spike Dudley and they are in there against the Dudley Boys proper. They are accompanied by Stacy Kiebler years before she would prove far too good for any of this and I am not saying that with any kind of hurtful sarcasm or anything because if you could be on George Clooney's arm or at wrestling which would you choose? Be honest with me but more importantly with yourself. The match is mostly some beating up on Spike Dudley until Tazz could be *hot* tagged in and suplex everyone very impressively and then put Stacy Kiebler in the Tazzmission or KATA HA JIME briefly and then secure the hold on a *legal* participant in the match itself to secure victory and the Tag Team Championship belts. It was OK! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Up next is Edge over-enun-ci-at-ing ev-er-y syl-la-ble and it lol it is torture. This should be a really good match though because it is an INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE bout between the challenger William Regal and the defending champion Edge who we think we know (him). Edge is really good at wrestling and by the end of it all I like him just fine but the long coat and the sunglasses and everything was just such a muddled look like a guy had just seen The Matrix and was like Neo is *awesome* or something but still wanted to keep his rock and roll hair and hey the referee in charge here is Nick Patrick who you will recall played a key role in how Starrcade 97 was a debacle. Regal has a thing going where he is busting everybody up with brass knuckles so you know watch out for that. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler talk about how Regal's nose has been broken a bunch of times recently and they also mentioned that Edge has of late unified the Intercontinental and United States titles which seem like two sensible titles to unify. Regal with a cool suplex! Really good crowd so far btw as a hearty REGAL SUCKS chant resounds. Cool suplex by Edge that Regal is like FUK U about as he turns it into a double-underhook power bomb and then attempts to pin him as though he were in tenderest love with him. Edge with a DDT on the apron and this match is pretty good so far and again the crowd is pretty good too, the kind of crowd that is like "nice vertical suplex guys!" rather than just being like *yawn* vertical suplex whatever. Regal hits a pretty killer release German suplex and then after Edge attempts an *Edgecution.* Regal counters with "stepover toehold facelock" and man I wish there was a more efficient way to communicate the name of that hold to you but alas my hands are tied. Edge escapes and applies a stepover toehold facelock of his own which as Lawler sugggests is perhaps the ultimate besmirchment! An attempted spear turns into a "ref bump" and true to form or so I am told Regal brass knuckles his way to victory and he is your NEW Intercontinental Champion but don't worry he loses it to Rob Van Dam in the very first match at Wrestlemania X8 and the thing I remember most vividly from that event thank you for your interest and your asking is the way it looked from my very much upper deck seats when RVD soared high above the ring for his *patented* five-star frog splash and thousands of camera flashes needlessly and ineffectually went off and it looked sooooooo cool! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Next up is a Women's Championship match between the astoundingly mannish Jazz who I had completely forgotten and the defending champion Trish "The Dish" Stratus only that was not her nickname ever I don't think and our special guest referee is Jacqueline who has breast implants so gruesome that one wonders if she is actually just like really into body modification or something. Trish Stratus is wearing a stylish purple number and Lawler will not stop about "purple puppies" and Jim Ross is like "purple puppies indeed" but it is not an indignant "indeed" but more of a Mike Goldberg "indeed" if you know what I mean and remember when they tried to hire Mike Goldberg away from the Ultimate Fighting Championship but he didn't end up going because it would have ended his career as a broadcaster of football and hockey and real sports like that? What a weird episode that was. lol Jazz really is a basically a dude out there. Stratus hits her "Stratusfaction" bulldog but it is for not as Jazz kicks out and answers with a hard DDT but don't worry after another bulldog Trish prevails! I do not recall if she makes it to Wrestlemania as the champion nor do I remember the title match at that august event because it was the "cool down" match between Rock v. Hogan and the Unified Championship bout between Chris Jericho and Triple H so I went to get a t-shirt and also I believe I urinated.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And now it is time for a STREET FIGHT between Vince McMahon and Ric Flair and I am not looking forward to that and I am no more excited about it after the video package with all kinds of those dumb WHAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW WAS I SNUCK A CLAUSE IN YOUR CONTRACT THAT STIPULATES stuff that is never all that awesome to me. Want to know what Ric Flair did at the Wrestlemania that was soon to follow, that being Wrestlemania X8? Well he had a no DQ match with the Undertaker and it was really really good and Arn Anderson ran in at one point and hit a spinebuster but in the end the Undertaker's Wrestlemania streak remained very much intact! Flair comes out before the Atlanta crowd on this Royal Rumble night and he is very rightly very much admired. He is billed as the co-owner of the World Wrestling Federation and we are shown his son and daughter in the front row. Flair looks surprisingly youthful here and I recognize that we are seeing him a full ten years ago here and ten years is a really long time but if you compare 2002 Ric Flair to even like 2006 Ric Flair I think you see some pretty spectacular aging. McMahon is of course an impressively juiced sixty-something year old or whatever but I don't care. Jim Ross points out that Ric Flair won the Royal Rumble in 1992 and McMahon won the same match in 1999 but what he doesn't point out is that the 1992 Royal Rumble was amazing and the 1999 one was pretty stupid. I think it was in the Bad News Allen shoot where I was first introduced to the idea that Vince really wanted to be a wrestler and "one of the boys" but his father Vince Sr. would not allow it so one wonders the extent to which all of this is like I HATE YOU DAD I LOVE YOU I HATE YOU or something. Whatever it is I don't like it. Jerry Lawler considers McMahon's physique and ejaculates. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They get through it, basically, and the crowd is plenty into it, WOOing at appropriate moments and everything. They go HARDCORE with trash cans and stuff and Flair *blades* and lol look at this lady at ringside man she is the best she is SO into this and I bet she has been ringside for every Ric Flair match since like 1982 and here she is in her daisy dukes and you can tell she is like "fuck everybody I look *good* in these shorts":</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The British who are a cruel race have a term and that is "mutton dressed as lamb" to describe situations like this if what my wife tells me of the fashion and style shows she watches is true. There's a good bit McMahon does on the outside where he takes a camera away from Flair's children and is like YOU WANT A PICTURE HERE'S A PICTURE and he takes a picture of their bloodied and battered father and that's pretty cool. Eventually McMahon applies Flair's own figure four leglock as you know blood flows down his face and everything and the Atlanta crowd is like insanely behind their guy here so they are obviously doing this match right but I'm not that into it. Flair rolls over to reverse the pressure of the hold but McMahon retreats to the outside and whatnot. Crazy brawl, lead pipe, television monitors, and now McMahon is cut too. He "begs off" but it is unlikely he will find sympathy from "The Dirtiest Player in the Game" who true to form kicks him in the groin and struts and uses the lead pipe himself and then applies the figure four leglock as a kind of orgiastic frenzy takes hold in Atlanta and yeah that's it. Not for me, this one, exactly, but it would be dumb to say that this was a bad match or anything. It totally delivered for what it was.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Stephanie McMahon is backstage being interviewed by Michael Cole until "Stone Cold" Steve Austin comes in and savagely WHATs her and lol say what you will about the ultimately pernicious legacy of the WHAT thing but when he was out there doing it it was awesome and also looked like fun! Except I guess when it was at a lady and it seemed like he was going to hit her or something not that he would ever do anything like that irl. Alright no more fucking around it is time for THE ROCK to come out to like a deafening ovation and a guy who has a sign that says WE LOVE THE ROCK which is so simple and so true and he is here to challenge Chris Jericho for the World Wrestling Federation Championship a title which has changed hands four times in the then fifteen-year history of the Royal Rumble pay per view, Jim Ross tells us. I know there has been a lot of talk about how Jericho was not "booked strong" during his unification of the World Title and how it was all secondary to Triple H and Stephanie McMahon and all that and while that part of it is true enough I guess it all misses the point of the kind of dude he was at this point, what Mark Henry called the "egotistical pipsqueak champion" when talking about my boy D-Bryan on the basically perfect episode of Smackdown(!) this week. Or maybe it doesn't, idk, but I really like Jericho and do not feel for a moment that he was misused at this time in the least but instead was used to very near his full potential. I am pretty excited! I love and miss Jericho's Y2J Galvatron entrance and I am very happy to see it here it is badass. As you are well aware Chris Jericho is the only man to defeat both the Rock and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin in the same night albeit amid shenanigans of some significance. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is really an awesome crowd this Atlanta crowd and it utterly shames last year's unforgivable people of New Orleans. There is a staredown in which Jericho pretty much circumnavigates the Rock while talking at him and then the moment the Rock opens his mouth Jericho holds up his hand like an inch from the Rock's face and the crowd is like BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and the Rock can take no more and HERE WE GO YEEEEEEEAHHHH there is a Samoan drop almost immediately and I interpret it as a tribute to his mother's people. oh MAN this is a great crowd have I mentioned that? JR says that Jericho is looking to beat the Rock for an unprecedented fifth time "according to Jericho's own records" and he also says that Jericho has become a self-centered and egotistical young man and yeah that exactly right JR. The Rock in 2002 was so loved and so *correctly* loved that it is unbelievable man unbelievable and maybe we were wrong in Toronto to deplore him when forced to choose between him and Hogan and in fact I kind of *know* we were wrong but in that moment I know how I felt. lol OK Jericho has followed up a vertical suplex with a single-foot cover and a "most muscular" COME ON BABAAAAYYYY but lol it is only for two. Jericho has taken the pad off the top turnbuckle which could well lead to a catapulting sooner or later but does no do so here.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I could not tell you the number of times Jericho has pantomimed a BELTY BELTY motion around his waist so far and we are only like four minutes into this. He hits a top rope "missile" drop kick but it is the belty belty motion that precedes it that is what I will remember. Suplex from the middle turnbuckle for the Rock which I don't feel like calling a superplex but maybe it is technically and I apologize if I have that wrong. Cool throw by the Rock that I don't have a name for at all and this match is EXCELLENT and it is a one-handed bulldog and a lionsault OH SHIT TWO LIONSAULTS for twooooooooo and Jericho can't believe two lionsaults would not keep the Rock down but ten years later man I do not think an infinity of lionsaults would finish a child which is why the awesome and awesomely named CODEBREAKER had to be developed I guess. The Rock catches Jericho off the top rope and SHARPSHOOTER SHARPSHOOTER and there are all kinds of distractions and shenanigans by fuckin Lance Storm who I have never liked and Christian who I like very much indeed and so referee Earl Hebner doesn't see Jericho tap and AAAHAHAHAHA YEAH JERICHO HITS A SICK ROCK BOTTOM and Dave Meltzer the fool always describes the Rock bottom as "a ura nage to the front" which is ridiculous because ura nage means "rear throw" you know-nothing-know-it-all-who-knows-nothing and YEEEEEEEEAH JERICHO WITH THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW except NO BECAUSE THE ROCK KIPS UP and man oh man this match is *excellent.*</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They're on the outside now and you've go to think somebody is going to go through a table sooner or later and yeah Jericho tries for another Rock Bottom but it is the Rock who hits the Rock Bottom through the table and Jim Ross is KILLING IT in this match: right after talking about how THIS MATCH HAS DEGENERATED TO HELL IF YOU ASK ME AND ALL I KNOW IS IT'S GETTIN OUTTA HAND he calls the Rock Bottom through the table thusly: "OH MY GOD JERICHO'S GOT A ROCK BOTTOM ROCK TRYIN' TO FIGHT OUT OF IT HE'S FIGHTIN OUT OF IT GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY WHAT A CAR WRECK WHAT A CRASH BODIES MANGLED SPINES CRACKED JERICHO DOWN THE ROCK DOWN BOTH THESE MEN FOR THE RICHEST PRIZE IN OUR GAME AT STAKE" and this is how you do it man this is how you fucking do it and as the Rock rolls Jericho back into the ring that is a 2.99999999999999 and this is the best.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Rock is all poised and ready to Rock Bottom a dude again HOWEVER IT IS THE WALLS OF JERICHO and it is high and it is cool and the crowd is going bananas and the Rock makes the ropes and Jericho pulls him back to the middle of the ring INSIDE CRADLE ONE TWO OOOOOOOOOH lol the Rock almost got him and now Hebner is down and the second *the very second* he goes down Jericho grabs the belt and floors the Rock and Nick Patrick books it too the ring to count the fall but it is once again only two! Pretty rad DDT from the Rock and the cover and BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THAT DAMN NICK PATRICK WON'T COUNT THE DAMN FALL and the Rock has him fixed in his gaze now and yeah Rock Bottom for Nick Patrick and a spinebuster for Jericho and a People's Elbow to the UNREAL delight of the assembled thousands but there's nobody there to count it and a vicious low blow from Jericho and lol a head rung off the unprotected turnbuckle from like the *third* minute of the match and a roll up with legs on the middle ropes for leverage and lol now THAT is how you have an egotistical pipsqueak world's champion successfully defend his title against the best guy. Fuck man that was TREMENDOUS why doesn't anybody ever talk about that match it was AMAZING.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here's Shawn Michaels live via satellite from WWF New York looking pretty goofy in like a Texas flag dress shirt and a big cowboy hat. That wasn't awesome but the hype video for the Royal Rumble match gets me READY and hey it's still Howard Finkel man that guy stuck around a good long time didn't he. This is going to be a two-minute Rumble and once again that is for the best so let us Rumble let us ROYAL Rumble as Rikishi aka my beloved Fatu comes to the ring as our first entrant and who shall be the second? lol JR says that "Rikishi's *weight* is from parts unknown" and he also points out that *both* feet have to touch the floor to be eliminated and he quite rightly calls that "the Shawn Michaels rule" and I actually kind of feel bad that the Rumbles Shaw Michaels won were such duds apart from him but really I should probably find something much more troubling than that to feel bad about like the plight of the poor people of everywhere or something. In at number two is Goldust who has been away for a while but is back and awaaaaaaaaay we go and this *excellent* crowd is ready to love this Royal Rumble match man you can just feel it. These two god damn *professionals* put in a solid opening two minutes of Royal Rumbling with a couple of over-but-not-outs by Goldust until the Boss Man is in at number three and lol Rikishi is a big man to "sell" a clothesline in that corkscrew fashion but he does so ably for the former corrections officer from nearby Cobb County Georgia. Bradshaw enters next and is as committed as ever to the *pounding of ass* and on a not entirely unrelated note Rikishi readies the Boss Man for a "stink face" and soon thereafter deposits him on the outside and then it is a SAMOAN DROP which is my preferred ethnic drop on Bradshaw. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And now Lance Storm, who I have never cared about at all even for a second. I don't know that I've properly given him a chance and watched a bunch of his matches or anything but I am not inclined to. WHAT DOES EVERYBODY WANT well maybe they want Tough Enough instructor Al Snow. Aaaaaaaaand Lance Storm has been murdered by a LARIAT from Bradshaw and man oh man Rikishi can still throw that reverse thrust kick despite the enormous girth that will one day debilitate him. Everybody in there is working hard and this is shaping up to be pretty good I think! And again I cannot say enough about this crowd as they all go OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH as Bradshaw meets "The One" Billy Gunn with the biggest of boots. Al Snow just eliminated Lance Storm with a kick off the apron after they had both been out there (in which "there" = "the apron") for a while. Goldust puts Bradshaw out and the crowd is like aaaaaaw fuck man he was *killing* dudes in there and I am with them a little however I *do* enjoy Goldust. Jim Ross speculates that business is about to pick up as the Undertaker enters the ring and they really should have paid the money for "Rollin'" even though it is a dumb song. A chokeslam to Billy Gunn is followed by a chokeslam elimination of Goldust and lol ok the Undertaker has now cleared the ring entirely and he is like GET ME SOMEBODY IN HERE and that somebody is Matt Hardy accompanied by Lita and aaaaahahaha Lita comes off the top rope and is goozled however she hits the Undertaker with a "low" blow which prepares him for a "Twist of Fate" and I guess there has been a "feud" of some duration between the Hardy Boyz accompanied by Lita and the Undertaker of late. As the luck of the random draw would have it Jeff Hardy is in next wearing a baseball cap and a long purple rag hangs from his pocket and now both Hardy Boyzzzz AND Lita are in and the boots are very much put to the Undertaker for a time. Lita is cool. A second twist of fate readies the Undertaker for a "swanton" and this is really good! HEY so Jeff Hardy just does that thing where he runs across the ring and jumps off the crouching Matt Hardy's back and hits a dude in the corner HOWEVER that dude in this case is the Undertaker and so he just goes like *boomp* and Hardy is out and after a "Last Ride" Matt Hardy is dismissively tossed over the top rope and you know what this is the best countdown timer yet, it's like a little circle thing that pulses or something and it's great. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Maven is the next guy in and I had completely forgotten about this Tough Enough Season One champion and you would think well this is not going to last long however Lita and Matt Hardy distract the Undertaker for a time and Maven dropkicks the Undertaker from behind and that is enough to eliminate him and the crowd is pretty into this but the Undertaker is not and so he reenters the ring and tosses Maven out through the ropes and ruins him with a particularly awesome chair shot. Scotty 2 Hotty dances down the aisle and the Undertaker interrupts that dance with a right hand and now I think Maven might be eliminated because the Undertaker has thrown him over the top rope but he's not a legal participant at this point and they have gone back and forth over the years as to whether or not that counts and I for one demand clarity on this issue in the form of a written policy made publicly available preferably through WWE.com or failing that delivered to me personally. The Undertaker has taken Maven through the crowd and into the concourse where he puts his young foe's head into a popcorn machine which might sound goofy but was in fact excellent. Christian who is the Champion of Europe is the only man in the ring now; Scotty is on the outside and yet to enter the ring; Maven may or not be in the match at this point and OK actually Jim Ross is saying that he is still a part of the match even if not present and that you might recall is a rule first brought in when Shawn Michaels got pressed and tossed over the top and it was like HEY SO NEW RULE which is fine man just be *clear* about these things.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Diamond Dallas Page is yet another guy I can never remember was ever in the World Wrestling Federation even though I saw him perform at Wrestelmania X8 which I may have mentioned I attended with my brother. The Diamond Cutter is a cool move and we do not have to wait long to see it. Page takes a powder for a moment which allows Scotty to perform "The Worm" to the rapturous delight of the Atlanta crowd but lol immediately afterwards he is tossed by DDP so we've got DDP and Christian and now Chucky Palumbo and how far away are we from the full-on gay marriage angle? I think it's too bad they backed out on that one. We have had a "domestic partner registry" in Nova Scotia that has recognized same sex marriages even before Canada became the fourth country to legalize gay marriage without reservation and now it is simply no longer a part of mainstream political discourse and everybody has just moved on so what I am saying here is just try it out and see how it feels for you and by "it" I mean marrying a dude. Did you know that for a guy who is not that big Christian throws good hard clotheslines? Good for him because you see great big strong guys throw really shitty clotheslines sometimes and it's like well then what is the point of even being a great big strong guy then. I guess the Goodfather is now behind us as the Godfather is out and there are all kinds of ladies with him and the story is that he has now gone "legit" and he owns an escort service? Anyway we get nothing but moderately attractive women on camera for about ninety seconds so we miss but are told about DDP's elimination at the hands of both Christian and Palumbo. TURN IT UP it is time for Prince Albert who is fucking huge man he is just one of the biggest dudes you will see however Christian and Palumbo tip him out and over as he was working on Kama Mustafa along the ropes. Kama is clotheslined over the top seconds after missing his "Ho Train" in the corner and the crowd is actually livid about that and now we've got Perry Saturn who is a former Army Ranger? That's news to me. Because Christian has entered into a temporary alliance of sorts with Palumbo questions are raised about his orientation but I think this is purely situational if you know what I am saying. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD who is the only three-time winner of the Royal Rumble though I of course dispute the 1997 win is out there and the crowd is like WHAT WHAT WHAT and Christian is out and Saturn is stunnered and Palumbo is out and Saturn is out and J.R. is like "good night sweet prince!" as all occasions do inform against everybody who is not "Stone Cold" Steve Austin right now and lolololol OK this is awesome: Austin pantomimes checking his watch and there is plenty of time left so he tosses dudes BACK into the ring and KICKWHAMSTUNNER and retosses them and sits in a familiar pose atop the turnbuckles and again checks his wrist tape. It is exquisite. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Up next is a returning Val Venis who really milks the entrance and when he hits the ring it is immediately a "mud hole" situation and with ever stomp it is WHAT WHAT WHAT which is pretty cool. Val gets some moves in so good for him and now Test is in and they are talking about some kind of immunity he has earned from being fired but Lawler asks if he has immunity from rattlesnake venom which causes me to be like *oh brother* for a minute. Austin gets beat up on for a moment by these two but then he comes back and with every right hand it is like WHAT WHAT WHAT and yeah KICKWHAMSTUNNER and the ring has been cleared and lol he is tapping his wrist tape to make sure his pretend watch is still running and this is pretty fuckin cool guys. YEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHH TRIPLE H IS NEXT AS IT IS TIME TO PLAY THE GAME and I am ready for this to be AMAZING as I am informed that Triple H has been out for eight months I guess after that time he steroidinjured his quad in that cool match with Austin and Benoit and Jericho and where are we here anyway like number twenty or something? These two top notch pretend grapplers stare at each other throughout Triple H's uncommonly long entrance that must be taking up at least the two minutes and everybody is on their feet as Austin and Triple H *get after it* just as the timer counts down and it is HURRICANE HELMS who I think is actually back now or something? Austin and Triple H are both down as the Hurricane lays in wait and lol he has grabbed both guys by their throats and lol Austin and Triple H give each other a look like WAIT WAIT WAIT WHAT? and so they toss Hurricane out and it is funny! Austin hits a solid spinebuster just as Farooq enters the ring and why didn't they ever just call him Ron Simmons? STUNNER and then Triple H with a THUNDEROUS clothesline and that's it for Farooq. This is pretty much a Triple H v. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin match right now and I am totally fine with that.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">MR. PERFECT FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH HE HAS A TOWEL AND EVERYTHING and his singlet straps have been lowered to signify his seriousness here and OK he puts one of them up as he works over Austin in the corner so I do not know entirely what is connoted by any of that however I am struck by how big Curt Hennig is here and of all the wrestlers the good lord has taken from us it is Mr. Perfect I would most like to see "plex" again. Holy shit Kurt Angle is next and this is a pretty sick Royal Rumble as the crowd has the best Kurt Angle "YOU SUCK" going that I have ever heard and lol ok now it is YOU SUCK/WHAT? and maaaaaaan this is a great crowd and we've got fuckin Steve Austin and Triple H and Kurt Angle and Mr. Perfect in the ring in the Royal Rumble right now and I am INTO IT let me tell you. Angle comes close to eliminating Triple H in the corner but Austin intervenes and suffers a belly-to-belly suplex *for his troubles* and now it is the BIG SHOOOOOOOOOOOW and it is a chokeslam to Mr. Perfect which I do not approve of and now Austin and Triple H band together briefly to take a run at Big Show but it accomplishes very little. Kurt Angle tried a German suplex but understandably does not get the Big Show up yiiiiiiiiikes nice clothesline from the Big Show on Austin AND THIS IS TERRIFIC and a chokeslam on Triple H and everybody is leveled and ARE YOU READY FOR SOME HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE KING ARE YOU READY FOR THE BIG RED MACHINE and maybe this Royal Rumble can go on forever man and just be a forever part of the universe. Kane and the Big Show lay into each other as everyone is just all crumpled up all around the ring and they are in like a mutual chokeslam position these two BEHEMOTHS until LOW BLOW FROM KANE AND KANE HAS SLAMMED BIG SHOW OVER THE TOP ROPE TOMPKINS CAN YOU BELIEVE IT but now it is KICKWHAMSTUNNER on Kane and Angle puts him out with an "Olympic Slam" and fuuuuuuuck man this is something.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I don't even know who is left to come out with Triple H, Angle, Austin, and Mr. Perfect left out there YEEEEEEEEAHHHHH RVD RVD RVD RVD RVD and the Atlanta crowd is like YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH RVD RVD RVD RVD just as much as I am and the *first fuckin thing* he does when he gets to the ring is a FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH to Kurt Angle and then he goes after Austin but then he is PEDIGREED and everyone is down and this is UNREAL ROYAL RUMBLING WHO IS NEXT WHO IS NEXT WHO IS THE FINAL ENTRANT IN THE 2002 ROYAL RUMBLE IT IS BOOKER TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and please believe me when I tell you that I can dig it. I saw him do a nothing interview on Much Music one time and he charmed the lovely young hostess Amanda so thoroughly that it was the best. He immediately eliminates RVD but lol his *Spinnerooni* (sp?) is met with a KICKWHAMSTUNNER elimination and so HERE IS YOUR FINAL FOUR OF AUSTIN ANGLE PERFECT HELMSLEY YEAH</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Angle tries to eliminate Austin with an Olympic Slam but Austin escapes and goes for a Stunner but is pushed away and ends up in position for a Pedigree but Austin scoops Triple H's legs out from underneath him and catapults him into the corner and then he is caught in an Olympic Slam or wait maybe they call it an Angle Slam idk and Austin goes after Perfect in the corner but Angle grabs him and hits a BUNCH of German Suplexes from behind and now ANGLE AND PERFECT oh shit man I thought they were going to eliminate Austin right there I was SURE of it lol. Triple H is still down as Austin fights off both Angle and Austin and Austin has Mr. Perfect over the top rope but not out and YES ANGLE HAS PUT HIM OUT AUSTIN IS OUT and now those three are brawling on the outside until Angle puts Austin into the ring steps THIS IS SO FUCKING GOOD MAN YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GOOD THIS IS and now Austin hits the ring chair in hand and he levels both Angle and Perfect and lol he also lays out Triple H as JR says "JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT BECAUSE HE IS A TEXAS RATTLESNAKE" and the crowd at first was a little bit like *boooo* but they end up being like WHAT WHAT WHAT as Austin leaves</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So OK let's just take a couple of deep breaths here and see what's up WOOOOOAH it looked like Triple H moving out of the way of Angle's clothesline was going to eliminate Mr. Perfect and the crowd was like NOOOOOOOOOO but he managed to stay in IN EXCITING FASHION and when he hits first the FUCKING PERFECTPLEX and then the somersault snapmarish thing he does the crowd goes BANANAS as does this particular "wrestling observer" but alas he is soon thereafter eliminated by Triple H who hits him with a clothesline :(</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">AND SO we are down to Triple H and Kurt Angle and Angle pulls down both straps and it is on ladies and gentlemen and the stakes as you yourselves know very well are A TICKET TO WRESTLEMANIA and the rare privilege of challenging for the Undisputed World Championship in front of both me AND my brother and Triple H and Angle go at it pretty good here man and the crowd is waaaaaaaay into it and GERMAN SUPLEX and then a near elimination of Triple H but on and then ANOTHER near elimination of Triple H and Angle thinks he has won BUT HE HAS NOT and it is a FACEBUSTER which is the best of Triple H's moves other than the Pedigree probably AND NOW A CLOTHESLINE AND IT IS OVER THE GAME THE GAME THE GAME as Jim Ross calls it and he is right to do it exactly like that because it is super exciting and yeah maybe JUST MAYBE we have witnessed the best Royal Rumble match ever jesus christ man I was expecting this one to be good but not THIS good . . .</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So yeah actually I think I am going to call it man and confer upon the 2002 Royal Rumble the title of GREATEST ROYAL RUMBLE EVER although there are a number of them that I haven't seen yet actually and we're getting there but if it is ultimately a decision between the 1992 Royal Rumble and the 2002 Royal Rumble then I think I am going to go with 2002! As to the event on the whole, this is right up there with 2000 as the best on the strength of that killer KILLER Royal Rumble proper and the Rock/Jericho World Title match that I absolutely loved and again while the McMahon/Flair streetfight was not really up my alley they worked hard and the crowd was totally into it so I am not here to dismiss that the other matches were at least fine and maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan this was really good! </span><br />
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<br /></div>ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-41147910218619190622012-01-31T08:15:00.001-08:002012-01-31T08:15:40.699-08:002001 ROYAL RUMBLE<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">AGAINST ALL ODDS the 2000 Royal Rumble was totally the best of the Royal Rumble shows so far despite the absence of one "Stone Cold" Steve Austin who finally had the neck surgery that he had needed since Owen Hart (may peace be upon him) hit that pretty sick sit-out tombstone piledriver at The Summerslam 1997 "Hart and Soul." Our voice-over guy tells us that if Wrestlemania is the path to immortality than the Royal Rumble is the first step to ultimate glory and here we are in New Orleans, Louisiana and depending on how you personally choose to demarcate the epochs of pretend fighting history we might very well be in the dwindling days of the era we call Attitude. I actually read the Attitude Era entry at wikipedia and as with all historical periods or moments worth thinking about there is little consensus on when the Attitude Era can properly be said to have begun or to have finished so let us just say that we are certainly getting there. We are also fast approaching what many feel to be the coolest thing ever Wrestlemania XVII and yeah actually that really was pretty cool wasn't it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our opening contest is a Tag Team Championship bout in the fine tradition of tag team bouts that open Royal Rumble ppvs and this one will be contested between the Dudley Boyz and the defending champions, Edge and Christian, who I learn are five-time tag team champions at this point. WE WANT TABLES is the crowd's understandable request and given the competitors involved it would seem to be a reasonable one as well. Edge and Christian were guys who were like *dorky* a little bit at this point; that was their thing. I must confess that I did not really get into Edge until he was having SEX WITH LITA LIVE ON MONDAY NIGHT RAW TAKE THAT MATT HARDY and I didn't really understand Christian's genius yeah genius until the Captain Charisma era with the lamé hoodies. It is not that I was unimpressed with the ridiculous stunts of the Tables, Ladders and Chairs matches when I eventually saw them so much as I was watching so very little wrestling at the time they were happening that I was not really in a position to make an informed judgment so I just assumed they sucked because of the vampire stuff from before; this was unfair of me. This match is OK but it is not setting the world on fire at this point. HOWEVER: a failed "concerto" leads to a *hot tag* of Bubba Ray Dudley for whom Edge and Christian do a very fine job of bouncing around, especially Edge but *especially* Christian and lol I LOVE that wasssssssuuuuuuuuuuuup top rope headbutt to the groin thing man I LOVE IT and the pace is fast and furious here as the Dudleyz attempt their excellent 3-D finisher which Edge breaks up with a spear and lolololol now Edge and Christian are going for the waaaaaaaaasssssssuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup thing which Jim Ross denounces as heinous for some reason but Bubba rolls up Edge in a way that exposes Edge's groin to the oncoming headbutt of Christian and we are but a single 3-D away from NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS YES IT IS THE DUDLEY BOYZ with the win in a good match. Apparently they overcame concussions to do so? I guess that's part of the story. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">lol Drew Carey is here tonight ladies and gentlemen and sure why the hell not</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">HEEEEEY somebody is holding up a sign that depicts the beautiful provincial flag of beautiful Nova Scotia, Canada and they are sitting right behind JR and the King so perhaps I will see it again and lol there is "Faith No More Fan" if that is indeed his name or at least designation man how does he keep getting these seats? There are backstage bits where people are carrying on as though there is not a camera in the room with them and thus discuss private matters setting things up for later but whatever I am going to wait for everything to be settled . . . *in the ring.* I don't like the whole APA thing but I do like how their shirts say ALWAYS POUNDING ASS as it reminds me that Bradshaw has a reputation for soaping dudes up in the shower does he not? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">An INTERCONTENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP LADDER MATCH is up next pitting Chris Jericho against Chris Benoit making his Royal Rumble debut and there is a classy montage of all kinds of cool moves these guys have done to each previously accompanied by music meant to suggest that all of these things are epic and maybe they are but what is most striking is the number of times they show Benoit deploying his "tokui waza" or "preferred technique" and that I will remind you is the CRIPPLER CROSSFACE the technique he deemed most suited to the task of *murdering his own son.* Benoit is rightly booed for his future transgressions against the laws of both man and nature as he makes his way down the aisle and hey remember that time a guy prank called Dave Meltzer and was like hey Dave with Benoit's short arms, could he ever win a ladder match? and if he won the King of the Ring, would he be able to put the crown on? The former question is the most relevant to the match at hand right now, but the latter is the more hilarious in my view. This is I think the first time I have watched a Benoit match since he double murder suicided and we all saw his sad father on the news. Chris Jericho is my rooting interest here I think because he is better on the mic and also recognizes that a woman gave birth to him and also to his children and he doesn't just realize that he *lives it every day* by not murdering his family and really that is all it takes to be a hero in my view. Benoit goes for the INFANTICIDE CROSSFACE early and lol man this is weirding me out. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's interesting to watch these two "work" together for a number of reasons I guess but one that I am thinking about right now is that everything Benoit did looked really tight and snug whereas the knock on Jericho has always been that while he is clearly very good at the entire pretending-to-fight package as a wholet, many of his moves look "light" so in a weird way Benoit wasn't the greatest opponent for him because it really called attention to the only flaw in an otherwise first-rate fake fighter AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG YEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH BENOIT JUST DOVE TO THE OUTSIDE AND JERICHO HIT HIM IN MIDAIR WITH A FUCKIN CHAIR lol that was *amazing* and it happened right after Jericho took a pretty sick fall outside after running into the ladder in the corner and I mean that was pretty spectacular OR SO I THOUGHT until like eight seconds later when the chair give happened lol oh man. With every big shot to the head that Benoit endures here however you've got to ask yourself if what you have just witnessed was the particular blow that turned off the part of your brain that everyday tells the rest of your brain not to murder your family. This makes the experience darker. Also something I had forgotten is just how fuckin short this guy was, like way shorter than Jericho who is a guy who wears lifts (presumably out of shame). And the thing is Benoit clearly abused steroids to truly stupendous effect no doubt to make up for how he was so short but the effect of that besides destroying his nutsack (and its contents) is to make him actually look even shorter because he is like eight feet wide and four feet thick and of course scarcely three apples tall. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So far these guys are coming up with pretty good ways of hitting each other with a ladder or causing the other grappling competitor to fall into it dramatically but the best bits have not actually involved the ladder dramatically like for instance there was the ridiculous chair shot dive and just now Benoit has back suplexed Jericho right over the top rope to the floor and like if that was a Royal Rumble elimination it would at worst be on the long list for best Rumble eliminations going man. lol ok now there is a cool spot that depended pretty heavily on the ladder actually: Jericho just applied like a ninety-degrees-off variation (or two hundred and seventy I guess depending on your frame of reference) of the Walls of Jericho *on the top of the ladder* and it was pretty great. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Moments later we have Jericho tapping for ages in the Crippler Crossface and maaaaaaan it is just fuckin dark and I am not at all austere and no fun on the subject of Chris Benoit; it is awesome to make fun of Chris Benoit in my view. But honestly it is kind of fucked up watching him right here OH MY BENOIT MISSES A DIVING HEADBUTT FROM THE TOP OF THE LADDER and Jim Ross suggests that this might be the damnedest match he has ever seen. Not long thereafter Jericho literally seizes the World Wrestling Federation Intercontinental Championship and I believe he holds the record does he not for most Intercontinental Championship "reigns"? That was a good match but lol it is going to be pretty fucked up watching Benoit do stuff over the course of the next few Royal Rumbles but probably it will just get funny.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Drew Carey is backstage chilling with Trish Stratus and telling her all about his upcoming pay per view improv special which is probably the best idea I have ever heard and Trish seems bored and also seems to be wearing very supportive undergarments. She went to York University which is not as good as the University of Toronto (there is actually basically no difference which is the dark secret they don`t want you to know about Canadian universities but they are all basically the same Quite Good Places and there is none of the huge swing between the reputations of good v. bad schools that you have in your "America") but there was a faculty strike one year and she never went back and the rest as they say is *sexy times.* Wait Drew Carey is in the Royal Rumble now? idk about that. They're really waaaaaaay into backstage sketches where they pretend that there isn't a camera there *but there is* and here's another one and it has the increasingly unrecognizable Chyna telling Mr. Ass something about Ivory or something. Oh yeah she is part of a "heel stable" called "Right to Censor" who are "no fun." I guess the deal here is that Val Venis and Ivory hit Chyna with a *spike* piledriver and this is going to be HER REVENGE and lol it looks like there were some pretty good bits where Ivory impersonated Chyna in a neck brace in interview segments I guess. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ivory is accompanied to the ring by formerly "Dancin'" Stevie Richards but now it is probably like he is from the Footloose town and here comes Chyna with a pyrotechnic bazooka of some kind which I would like one of possibly. Ivory is a very short woman who doesn't look short until you see her with other people and that is not true of all short people and you know it so don't act like what I have just said is absurd. Jim Ross speculates that Ivory is sexually repressed and that "thirty days a month, she's pre-menstrual" and I am beginning to doubt whether or not JR's claim during the previous year's Royal Rumble that he tries not to be a chauvinist can be credited. Ivory takes a pretty good tumble from the top turnbuckle to the outside and much to my surprise a match featuring ladies is now being contested among the spectators which is a true rarity in my experience. Chyna we are told was recently on the cover of an issue of Playboy magazine that sold over one million copies and I would ask that anyone in my present readership who counts himself among that million please talk about what that was like for you. Chyna tosses Ivory around quite extensively but after landing her signature "handspring elbow" into the corner she falls seemingly paralyzed and this situation is treated so fakeseriously that Jerry Lawler immediately leaves his ringside position to see if she is OK as an eerie bored hush falls over the crowd. Jim Ross tells us that what we are seeing is certainly no longer about championships and wins and losses and so forth. Mr. Ass's face is disfigured by worry. Both Sgt. Slaughter and Pat Patterson are among those attending to Chyna which is all you need to know re: the severity of this obviously life altering injury. Even "Faith No More Fan" looks not entirely himself. Also this is stupid. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Stephanie McMahon threatens Trish Stratus should she involve herself in the affairs of her mainest dude Triple H and Stratus is like "I have my own *affairs* to be worried about" which is probably a reference to a story I don't know about oh wait the idea is that she is often *frisky* while in the company of Vincent Kennedy McMahon right? Next we are shown yet another LET'S PRETEND THERE IS NOT A CAMERA bits where Tiger Jeet Singh and D-Lo Brown and somebody else are all decked out in the garb of Singh's native land as McMahon informs him that he is going to be replaced by Drew Carey in the Royal Rumble and Singh is like "Drew CURRY who is Drew CURRY?" and this is kind of dumb too and then THE MAN ON THE STREET is asked who is going to win tonight's World Wrestling Federation Championship bout between Kurt Anglea and Triple H and then Triple H grunts while looking into a mirror. So far two of the three matches have been really quite good but all of the things that haven't been matches (and that last match also) have been very shitty indeed. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At last Triple H as we have come to know him is fully formed: he wears trunks and his hair is really wet and he comes out to Motorhead instead of doing none of those things. Kurt Angle is your champion and Trish Stratus has accompanied him and I recall that my man Darryl who grew up outside Toronto told me one time that friends who had gone to high school with the future Trish Stratus described her as a "Polish Gina" and I had no frame of reference to even begin to understand what was meant by that. So yeah you've got Stratus in Kurt Angle's corner and Stephanie McMahon in Triple H's and Angle is wearing a red singlet however both shoulder straps are down and so it looks more like he is wearing trunks and I have never really understood why if you are a guy who wears a singlet that it is supposed to signify the extent to which it is *on* when you take down those straps like IT IS NOT A WRESTLING CONTEST AT THIS POINT BUT INSTEAD A FIGHT and I know how to read this but I do not understand why this signifier signifies what it does but Saussure said that the sign is arbitrary so I am not required to think about it any more yeah that's right I am hiding behind a linguist I don't know much about. This is an OK match so far in which Triple H is focusing on Olympic Gold Medalist Kurt Angle's right knee. Kurt Angle has quite rightly become the object of scorn and ridicule over the years but it really was pretty amazing how quickly he became extremely good at pretending to fight and this is a point that I believe David Meltzer has made on at least a few occasions and I cannot but agree with it. Lawler talks about how president George W. Bush who we all recall fondly was "hanging all over Kurt Angle" at his recent inauguration. Is that accurate? I don't remember that at all and I am a fairly keen follower of the political scene except when I say that I don't mean the American one.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This match is really not that great so far but it's OK. I think Triple H is a really good wrestler so I have faith though and just as I say that he applies a variation of the Indian death lock thus proving my point beyond all reasonable objection and Jim Ross is like "or should I say 'Native American' death lock" and yes Jim Ross the strictures of what the right denounces as "political correctness" are indeed onerous and unjust in that one is asked to refer to groups by terms that are not objectionable to them and marked by histories of things being pretty fucked up for them and also WRONG INDIANS JR. Triple H has moved on to the figure four leglock which is a *great* leglock and while this is happening Stephanie and Trish *mix it up* on the outside which brings Vince McMahon to ringside where he intervenes in this physical confrontation between his irl daughter and his pretend mistress and I think that was probably about three minutes without a shot of the action in the ring and that is what I am here for the contest of skill and guile that unfolds between the ropes atop the squared circle and such *extracurricular activities* are but a mere distraction that only serves to diminish our cherished sport LOW BLOW AND A MODIFIED RAZOR'S EDGE OUT OF THE CORNER BUT IT IS ONLY FOR TWOOOOOOOOO my goodness this Kurt Angle is resilient. Angle lands a truly exemplary moonsault but again the count is a mere two. Moonsaults aren't hard if you are the least athletic as been shown on Tough Enough and also at every community swimming pool ever but they are terrific. Angle just ran up the turnbuckles and arm-dragged Triple H off the top which was even more awesome than it sounds but the contemptible Earl Hebner is down and not available to count and let me say that the reason I think Earl Hebner is actually *shoot* contemptible in addition to *fake* contemptible is not because *he screwed Bret* but that before all that happened he was like "I swear on my kid's lives I would never do anything like that" which is the dumbest shit ever in that he should have said was "well I mean if my boss tells me to do something weird I'm going to have to do it even if it is outside the accepted norms of what we do because I am a guy with a totally replaceable job in the fake fighting industry so I am not about to out of nowhere say things about the lives of my children that I couldn't possibly mean because that would make me a piece of shit by basically any standard" and I would remind you that this is all really important stuff also. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This not quite awesome match has a pretty good finish: Triple H comes in with the belt and he is ready to strike HOWEVER he is met with a belly-to-belly suplex and then Kurt Angle has the belt and is ready to strike HOWEVER he is met with the pedigree and the referee is not around to see any of this and STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD is here now and he lays waste to Triple H on the outside and then literally *belts* him and I think Triple H blades just for fun sometimes man and then it is your basic KICKWHAMSTUNNER situation and an exhausted Angle crawls his way to a cover and Hebner counts a weary three as he is finally revived and that ladies and gentlemen was an excellent garbage finish. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We get some brief clips of different wrestlers warming up for THE ROYAL RUMBLE and the best of these clips is definitely Rikishi aka Fatu doing some Hindu squats and Jim Ross is like "my apologies I mean NATIVE AMERICAN squats" j/k he doesn't say anything like that. The Rock is interviewed by Kevin Kelly but it's more like Kevin Kelly is just there with a microphone and then The Rock says all kinds of awesome things and by this point he has actually dialed back on the catchphrases by maybe thirty percent and it has made him an even more effective public speaker imo.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As a video package recapping some recent story lines plays I am feeling ready as hell for this Royal Rumble match even though I totally know who wins this one despite never having actually seen it. Apparently Rikishi aka Fatu has been revealed as the guy who drove the car that hit Stone Cold or whatever and I don't care about the stuff they are showing exactly but it is nevertheless getting me fuckin ready to go so mission accomplished I guess. At this point Stone Cold is wearing dumb camo ball caps and shirts that could not be further removed aesthetically from the basically perfect AUSTIN 3:16 tshirt and it is as though the people designing these shirts thought that it was the back of the AUSTIN 3:16 shirt that was really moving units rather than the front and maybe it was man what do I know about marketing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm kind of surprised we still have Howard Finkel out there but I'm glad we do! The number one entrant is Jeff Hardy and a little while ago I asked you my dearest internet friends to please help me understand what subculture it is that Jeff Hardy is supposed to be representative of because I had no idea and that I think is a failure of gimmick however once again what do I know about marketing because the girlies love this dude. And I enjoy his daredevil ways! He is in against Bull Buchanan who is a sleeveless censorship enthusiast and this is looking like a two-minute Royal Rumble which is good but the countdown timer is needlessly gaudy which is bad. In at number three it is Matt Hardy and so a double clothesline sends Buchanan over the top in pretty much no time. The Hardyzzzzzzz do an "ok bro no hard feelingzzzzzz it iz every man for himzzzelf" knuckle bump and *get after it* however they are both still around as Farooq enters the match at number four and if you were to ask him how often he would :pound ass" in a perfect world he would answer ALWAYS. Farooq is tossed quickly after a "twist of fate" and a "swanton" and now the Hardyz are attacking each other with renewed vigor and to indicate this vigor they take their shirts off and the girlies go *EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE* and I am reminded of that rap song from probably right around this time that is like I GOT MY SHUUUURT OFF AND I'M READY TO FIGHT and next out at number five we have Drew Carey which I am going to suggest to you is not a great idea although maybe they'll come up with something awesome here and prove my skepticism misplaced. lol so the Hardyz were all tangled up on the top turnbuckle and they both fell off meaning Drew Carey is alone in the ring and one begins to think "I bet they put Kane in here" and yep here he is. It is entirely possible that I have seen a clip of this or something sometime so I can't really chalk this one up to intuition in all honesty but I assure you that I have not actually seen this match before in its entirety. lol on the subject of Carey Lawler is like "what's his blood type, Ragu?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With ten seconds to go before the next competitor enters the ring Drew Carey offers Kane money which is of course of no use to a *Brother of Destruction* and is therefore declined. Carey just climbs out of the ring and eliminates himself as aaaaaahahahaha wtf Raven you look TERRIBLE enters the ring. Is that story true where after more or less everybody ended up in the WWF as the rest of the business collapsed Vince McMahon was like "wait wait wait who the hell hired Raven?" He looks like fuckin dogshit here with not a good beard man not a good beard. I saw him at an indie show in Oshawa, Ontario in I guess 2005 and he was back to his usualish look and my bro Darryl tried to shake his hand as he entered but Raven just looked at him contemptuously while he continued to wheel his little luggage. Al Snow is next and he grabs a trash can out form under the ring and tosses it in and things are going to get hardcore I guess. Perry Saturn is in next and he is accompanied by Terri Runnels who stuck around longer than I remembered and Perry Saturn is another guy who just freaked out and really hurt a guy on purpose one time right? Also I think he went missing for a while and Dave Meltzer would be like "if anyone has seen or heard from Perry Saturn would they please contact his family they are worried" lol. Steve Blackman is in next and he has brought with him some *martial arts sticks* of some kind and this is not much of a Royal Rumble so far ladies and gentlemen. The incredibly flat crowd here is evidence I think that by 2001 the initial thrill of *hardcore* wrestling had worn off sufficiently that a couple of garbage cans and sticks in the ring were no longer enough to make people think things that weren't otherwise awesome all of a sudden were. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yeah Scotty 2 Hotty is in next and this is how shitty this is so far: it's Scotty, Kane, 2001 Raven, Perry Saturn, Steve Blackman, and Al Snow and lol actually I was totally wrong it isn't Scotty 2 Hotty at all it is Grand Master Sexay who has in fact just now been eliminated by Kane and hey now Kane clears the ring of everybody before THE HONKY TONK MAN enters and hey that's a really great idea to have had and I'm happy to see him here but the match has been so shitty thus far that I'm not as into this as I should be necessarily right now. Honky Tonk Wayne gets on the *house mic* and they cue up his song and he sings it! Then he takes a HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE GUITAR SHOT BAH GAWD from Kane and is summarily dismissed like a criminal charge that isn't a good one or something. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK here comes The Rock and maybe all the guys who suck are behind us and everything from here on out will suffer from an outstandular condition. The crowd is pretty into The Rock and his initial burst of energy here but he is soon *cut off* and who is next out it is another member of Right to Censor lol it is the "Goodfather" and that's stupid. The Rock punches him out and over only seconds and only seconds after that The Rock is back to getting wailed on by "The Big Red Machine" who Jim Ross describes as "a carnivore feeding on a . . . rock . . . burger" and Lawler is like lol wut? Tazz is in next and he is no longer wearing wrestling gear but instead track pants and OK there he goes immediately at the gloved and gauntleted hands of Kane. So it's like The Rock and Kane are having a pretty decent match that is occasionally interrupted by vastly lesser dudes who are done away with in short order. Bradshaw is in now and he is still in his ass-pounding enthusiast gimmick here but he clotheslines people very well regardless of the constraints of character however. In the Justin "HAWK" Bradshaw days I saw him at a house show at of course the historic Halifax Forum and he was impressive live even if he had seemed to me the merest of midcarders on television. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Prince Albert is in and we are somehow up to number seventeen already to my very real surprise and these are some pretty big dudes in here now with Albert and Kane and Bradshaw and The Rock who is by far the smallest guy in there despite himself being a certifiable "hoss." Hardcore Holly is in now and man idk what to tell you other than that this is not a very good Royal Rumble match. Bob Holly and Bradshaw seem to have formed a temporary alliance the common cause of which is the elimination of the Rock but that seems destined to failure. HOLY SHIT IT IS R-TRUTH I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA they are calling him Kid Kwick and again seriously I had no knowledge of this guy at this time at all which shows you how little attention I was paying in 2001 and I guess that is my loss because as all of us here in 2012 know very well R-Truth is rad. Here's Val Venis and Lawler is like "there are way too many Right to Censor members" and JR is like "I'll agree to that" and if that is a *worked* comment in keeping with story lines then yes but if it is a *shoot* comment then it is no less accurate and perhaps in fact more so. "The only thing we know for sure is that Rikishi will be number thirty," Ross tells us, and I'm not sure why we are sure of that but I accept it. I just saw the USOs who are apparently Fatu/Rikihi's kids wrestle a Tornado Tag Match against Primo and Epico on Smackdown and it seemed to me that those kids are *really awesome* and *totally get it.* European Champion William Regal joins the match and I think I am finally at the point where I think of him as "William" and not "Steven" which is good because it has been more than a decade now. I recall that at the time they didn't want him to be Steven because they already had a Steven and that was "Stone Cold" Steven Austin lol.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is still not a very good Royal Rumble match as Test enters and I think it is he who eliminates Regal thereby robbing us of the many "European" uppercuts that might well have occurred had Regal lasted even seconds longer. Test probably isn't a terrible "big man" but I don't like him. WEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL IT'S THE BIG SHOOOOOOOOW and I guess this marks a return from injury for him? He eliminates Test and R-Truth right away and chokeslams Albert and Bradshaw and Val Venis and Holly and the crowd totally stopped cheering for these by the time he got to Bradshaw HOWEVER he chokeslams Kane to a considerable ovation and attempts to do likewise to the Rock who counters with a low blow and then a couple of shots that send the Big Show up and over the top rope and remember last year when the Big Show and the Rock were last and it was really cool? Crash Holly hits the ring as The Big Shooooooow clears the announce table and grabs the Rock out from under the bottom rope and chokeslams him THROUGH THE TABLE BAH GAWD THE BIG SHOW much to the delight of "Faith No More Fan." Back in the ring, Bradshaw and Val Venis are holding Kane while the remaining dudes, Albert and the Hollys, put *the boots* to him.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">LADIES AND GENTLEMEN HE IS HERE IT IS THE UNDERTAKER ON A MOTORCYCLE AND ON THE INTERNET THEY CALL HIM BIKERTAKER AND IT DOESN'T MATTER IF ON THIS HOME VIDEO VERSION HIS ENTRANCE IS MARRED BY A GENERIC OVERDUBBED THEME I KNOW FULL WELL HE CAME OUT TO LIMP BIZKIT LEAVE THE MEMORIES ALONE and the Undertaker and Kane clear the ring. Jim Ross says Kane has been in for forty minutes and wow this one is really flying by which would make you think well that must be because it is a good one but really isn't and I'm kind of surprised about this situation tbh. Finally the one true Scotty 2 Hotty comes in and he is not thrilled to be there as not one but BOTH BROTHERS OF DESTRUCTION await him and a double chokeslam later he is out. The Rock is finally working his way back to his feet on the outside. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">*GLASSSSS* DUN DUN DA DUN STONE COLD STONE COLD and I am ready to see this shit aaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwww fuck man come on Triple H has jumped him from behind and is preventing his safe passage to the ring just as the Rock gets in there to be beat up by Kane and the Undertaker and the motorcycle thing makes sense as a gimmick I guess because a lot of wealthy middle-aged white dudes who live in the suburbs get pretty into not-actually-very-cool motorcycles at his age and Mr. Ass is in next WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAHHHH Austin has bladed like a fuckin champ out there as "Tirple" H as I have just mistakenly typed it is finally dragged to the back by World Wrestling Federation Officials. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">HAKUUUUUUUUUUUUUU WITH AN ABSOLUTE MOTHERFUCKER OF A SAMOAN AFRO YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH this is a HELL of a surprise dude in the Royal Rumble but the crowd is just like "I don't remember do we remember this guy?" which is BULLSHIT because HAKU IS AWESOME so with only Rikishi left to enter we've got Haku, the Undertaker, Kane, Monsieur Ass and The Rock in there with Austin bleeding spectacularly on the outside. Ah I see so as Rikishi enters the match Austin is enraged into coherence sort of and he hits the ring and the crowd is inexplicably like "whatever" and then he eliminates Haku and they continue to be that way and then even when the Undertaker choke slams Rikishi they remain that way and this might not be a popular view given later weather events and governmental neglect but fuck you New Orleans you are not being sufficiently appreciative of this flawed but nevertheless very real Royal Rumble that is being performed before you. As a guy who has only ever been to WWF wrestling shows in the cities of Toronto and Halifax I find anything less than complete crowd awesomeness to be entirely unacceptable regardless of what you are seeing at wrestling basically. YEAHHHHH FATU REVERSE THRUST KICK AND THE UNDERTAKER IS OUT SAMOA AND SAMOANS FOREVER IMO oh noes Rikishi has been knocked out over the corner just as he was about to sit on the Rock :(</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The final four consists of Austin, the Rock, Kane, and lol fuckin Billy Gunn but Austin gets rid of Mr. Ass just as I say that and now he is crumpled bleeding in the corner and that really is quite a *crimson mask* at present and now the Rock and Austin have *locked eyes* and seriously fuck you New Orleans for not losing your fucking MINDS for this shit right now because what the fuck more do you want than the Rock and Steve Austin at or near their primes squaring off at pretty much the end of the Royal Rumble? STONE COLD STUNNER and The Rock is down in the corner as Kane surfaces and goes after Austin but is quickly subdued AND ROCK BOTTOM ROCK BOTTOM and once again fuck you New Orleans this is unforgivable as Kane goes out through the ropes but not over them.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alright so it is Austin and the Rock one-on-one again and they are throwing exhausted punches that start from their knees basically and making desperate attempts to OH SHIT with Austin and the Rock up against the ropes Kane tips the Rock over and to the floor and it is just Kane and Austin now and like eight guys in the crowd go "austin austin austin" and then a low blow puts Kane *to the canvas* and FUCKING AGAIN this crowd is shit. Tombstone? NO SIR IT IS KICKWHAMSTUNNER AND ONE TWO THREE CHAIR SHOTS AND A CLOTHESLINE and fuckin finally the crowd is like "hey OK!" and Jerry Lawler is fed some awkward line about how "Stone Cold has just opened up the biggest can of whoop ass ever and it is taking him all the way to Wrestlemania" and come on that is HARDLY the biggest can of whoop ass ever do you seriously expect us to swallow that </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well that was an uninspired Royal Rumble match especially the first half of it OK actually two-thirds or so but the last idk fifteen minutes or so had plenty of good stuff that the crowd kind of flattened and maybe you can't blame them for that of maybe *you totally can* which is the course I have chosen. On the whole this show was a huge step down from the 2000 Royal Rumble which might prove really tough to beat going forward. By the time we reconvene for the next one the entire landscape of pretending to fight in North America will have been forever changed and I for one am eager to see what that is like because it is another one I have never seen!</span><br />ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-78057555752528688642012-01-31T08:12:00.001-08:002012-02-02T11:37:22.689-08:002000 ROYAL RUMBLE<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ROYAL RUMBLE 2000 IS NO DOUBT THE FIRST STEP ON THE ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA 2000 WHICH IS NOT A PPV I WATCHED UNTIL YEARS LATER AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE NEVER PLAYED THE NINTENDO GAME OF THAT TITLE because I was just totally out of this whole scene for a little bit, or as close to totally out of it as I have ever been, which is to say I still had a reasonable idea of what was going on and I watched parts of the TV shows sometimes but I did not buy but only rented WCW/nWO Revenge (which of course now many years later I purchased for almost no money) and I guess totally ignored Wrestlemania 2000 and then by the time I got way back into wrestling No Mercy was out and that settled that, right? I know there are Virtual Pro Wrestling 2 people who favour that title above all others but is there anybody who is like "yeah No Mercy is *ok* but *actually* I preferred the earlier WM2000" or is that just too preposterous even for the internet? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">TO TONIGHT'S ACTION HOWEVER: fuck yes this has the Triple H vs. Cactus Jack match that I first saw as part of the really good Mick Foley dvd set they put out like ten years ago. No time for that now, however, as Kurt Angle, who is new, is in action against a mystery opponent who turns to be Tazz, also new. I saw almost no ECW wrestling when it was going on because I didn't get it on TV and I was not a trader of tapes so all I knew of it was from the internet and the wrestling magazines that existed under the cultural logic of late kayfabe and those sources led me to believe that it was the greatest thing to have ever happened and while I have no idea if that is true I genuinely enjoyed the dvd set they put out like ten years ago! Man they make some good dvd sets. This match is pretty good right away as they both brawl and suplex on the outside and as a guy whose ideal wrestling match exists almost exclusively of throws and artful submission attempts and then maybe a macho man elbow from the top I see a lot of potential here for everything other than that last bit. BELLY-TO-BELLY OVERHEAD SUPLEX FROM THE SECOND ROPE BY TAZZ HOLY YEAH but Angle gets his foot on the rope in maybe the best way I have ever seen honestly. Angle hits a German suplex with a bridge for twooooooo and then Tazz hits a release German suplex where Angle flips right over and then it is that belly-to-belly from a high grip and then I believe a "capture" suplex in the parlance of Fire Pro moves and then a KATA HA JIME or single wing strangle which you might recognize from JUDO THE GREATEST SPORT EVER and Jim Ross (welcome back, my love) is like IT'S A VERSION OF A SLEEPER HOLD KING IT'S NOT ILLEGAL and HOLY SHIT ANGLE IS OUT I LOVED THIS MATCH and Angle is all the way out and has to be attended to by medical personnel and World Wrestling Federation officials and this ooooooowned.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Man a lot of changes in this last year that is for sure because here we have a pretty serious looking tag-team matchup between the Hardy Boyz (managed by Terri Runnels who is wearing like a miniature Ken Shamrock satin robe) who are not goofy job guys but awesome weird southern drug enthusiasts who fly off of and through things and their opponents D-Von and Bubba Ray Dudley known collectively as the Dudley Boyz. Bubba Ray talks about John Rocker and how he is right about New York and the Madison Square Garden faithful are like BOOOOOOOOOOO and why is it that the orientation of the shows at MSG has to be ninety degrees off from everywhere else? I do not dislike it; on the contrary, I think it's neat, but I don't understand. This is a tables match and I think you need to put both guys through OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH shit Jeff Hardy just did something crazy to the outside and now it is time for an unprotected chair shot to Bubba Ray and then aaaaaaaaahahahaha Jeff Hardy just ran and jumped face first into a table so hard this is fantastic. The only thing that concerns me is that in a match with so many tables around from the outset there will be no slow build to D-VON GET THE TABLES which I like even if I do not approve of the Dudley Boyz proclivity for mistreating women with them. Matt Hardy sometimes known as the lesser Hardy digs a ladder out from under the ring and this could turn into something worth seeing imo. WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUCK just as Matt was coming of a ladder to drive Bubba Ray through a table on the outside Jeff Hardy came flying into the picture for absolutely no reason and splashed him through the table too so that is both dudes doing it at once and lol there was *no way* Jeff needed to do that man that shit cra' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA now Matt and Jeff are getting overzealous because they only need one more tabling to win the match so now they are just flying off of things and through tables everywhere this is sooooooooooo good. YEEEEEEEEEEAH POWER BOMB FROM THE SECOND TURNBUCKLE THROUGH A TABLE PROPPED UP ON THE RING STEPS and we are all even at one dude through a table each. OK now there are all kind of tables set up in front of the entry way and now dudes are fighting on top of the entry way and yep there goes Bubba Ray trough the table and yeah now Jeff Hardy has his shirt off and the girlies are like *EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE* and then he SWANTONs through D-Von and lol that is it man that is a WRAP. Man two matches in this show is bananas beyond all reckoning. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There is some controversy apparently about whether or not Kurt Angle has properly been defeated as the nature of the TAZZMISSION or KATA HA JIME is discussed and guys guys guys it is a blood choke not a wind choke so if the sleeper hold is legal the Tazzmision is legal and let's not even get into the Joey Styles nonsense about the kata ha jime being banned in judo which is the craziest thing I have ever heard and is kind of like the time I heard Bas Rutten say "the rear naked choke is illegal in judo" when it is like mutherfucker judo *invented* that shit (note that that is not true either).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK next up we have The Miss Royal Rumble pageant or something and our panel of judges consists of: Sgt. Slaughter, Tony Garea, the Fabulous Moolah, Johnny V, and Classy Freddie Blassie who comes out to a really nice response. Jerry Lawler is your master of ceremonies and he is like "get out of the ring Howard Finkel, these girls aren't your type -- they're not inflatable" lol. The ladies to be objectified even more than usual tonight are Ivory, Terri, Jacqueline, B. B., Luna, Jerry Lawler's lady-love The Cat and lol Andy Richter has joined the panel of judges which is an *excellent* selection imo. To be honest with you I think we should be comparing these ladies to see who has the best *mind* and who is the most *equal with men* instead of who has the best bolt-on tits and testosterone-warped physique because I have read Julia Kristeva. Out comes Mae Young and actually while we are on the subject of feminist theorists during this Royal Rumble I cannot help but notice that the graphics here are displaying everyone's name in all lower-case letters like they are all bell hooks. Anyway Mae Young exposes herself to the horror of the disappointingly ageist crowd (j/k I don't like old people either) and Mark Henry comes out and covers her up and then she is announced as the winner. On the whole I am an awful lot better than what just went on and also the Cat was the prettiest. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hey what's up WWF NEW YORK you are an unsinkable ship in my estimation. Jonathan Coachman is there. Presently I believe he is on ESPN Radio so good for him I guess. Then we get an argument between Chyna and CHRIS JERICHOOOOOOO who is in the World Wrestling Federation now and remember when he came in and was like WELCOME TO RAW IS JERICHOOOO and everyone was more into it than they have ever been into anything and then he *mixed it up* with the Rock? He has mastered debuting and redebuting like none other. Chyna is like "can you be chivalrous for once" and Jericho was like "what is this, Medieval Times" and I grinned but did not chuckle. What we have here is a three-way Intercontinental Championship bout between the allegedly over four-hundred pound (what? oh I see it is a goof) Hardcore Holly and Chyna and Chris Jericho who welcomes us all to Madison Square Jericho. This is to determine the "undisputed" Intercontinental Championship suggesting that title is currently somewhat in dispute? Chyna, we are told, has broken more ground for women in the World Wrestling Federation than anyone else ever but that Hardcore Holly is a chauvinist and Lawler is like "so are you JR" and he is like "me?" and Lawler's like "yeah absolutely" and JR says "well I try not to be" which is all we can ask of anyone and of ourselves. HEY COOL I haven't seen a hurricanrana countered into a true Walls of Jericho in forever man and this takes me back so thank you for that Hardcore Holly although also note that I will never thank you for anything else again ever. Chyna breaks it up and lol Chynal reconstruction appears to be continuing apace. It is kind of crazy seeing her a year apart for like four years or whatever it has been because YEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHH TOP TURNBUCKLE DIVE TO THE OUTSIDE JERICHOOOOOOO take that Bob Holly and then Chyna does her handspring elbow into the corner on Jericho and hits a DDT for twooooooooooooo. This is a pretty good match! Chyna dropkicks a chair into Holly's face which I approve of. Chyna was a guest on Howard Stern recently and while you can't help but feel bad for her and her ruined life she is also a pretty fun guest so it's complicated. Chyna and Y2J come off the top at the same time and splash different areas of Bob Holly and both go to pin him and then are like wait what what and both roll off. Chyna low blows Jericho and pedigrees Holly for another near fall and then holy shit Chyna basically just took the old Legion of Doom finisher from Jericho for another two and there is nothing wrong with this triple threat match of championship-calibre wrestling. SUPERPLEX FROM CHYNA BUT HOLLY SOMEHOW GETS THE COVER but ok cool Chyna kicked out phew. lol they really had me there for a second. A Chyna chair shot to Bob Holly is of course a good idea and then we get a pretty cool finish: Chyna puts Holly in a Boston crab and then Jericho visits the one-hand bulldog upon her and then wins it with a Lionsault and what I like about that is that he never beats anybody with the Lionsault EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEver so I enjoyed the novelty of it. Good match! The Intercontinental Championship belt itself looks horrible though when compared to the classic and now once again current belt which is an item of undeniable beauty.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Michael Cole is backstage with the Rock and the Rock is phenomenal at this point. He is asked if there are any other wrestlers that he is concerned about in particular in the upcoming THIRTY-MAN OVER-THE-TOP-ROPE ROYAL RUMBLE and he is like yeah Crash Holly and Headbanger Mosh which is like a variant of the Bret Hart El Dandy comment and I don't know which came first nor am I suggesting any direct influence in either direction; I am merely suggesting that this is indicative of certain shared habits of thought. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well this run of awesome matches was bound to end sooner or later and up next we have The Acolytes challenging the New Age Outlaws for the Tag Team Championship and unless this match consists of lariats and dominators exclusively then idk. OH YOU WERE UNAWARE??????????????????? man people LOVE that though. Jim Ross says that many say that the New Age Outlaws are the greatest World Wrestling Federation tag team champions of all time and I can't imagine even one person has ever so much as formulated that as an idea to even consider for like the fleetingest moment but hey man you've got to sell this stuff I get it. The Road Dogg is wearing a D-X football jersey with the number "69" which is such an edgy thing to do that I'm pretty sure I saw one of the Backstreet Boys singing at the NHL All-Star game in roughly the same era and he was wearing a hockey sweater that bore the same number; that's how fuckin edgy this cat here is. Also I am reminded of my all-time favourite Sex Ped story which is that he was enjoying the company of a sexy lady and he began to (what a) maneuver her into the sexual position to which the number we are discussing so often refers and she goes "lol what is this, high school?" which is the coldest shit I have *ever* heard and that she would say this suggests she may have been the one. Anyway X-Pac comes in and there has been some bullshit and the Outlaws have emerged victorious.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">oh man it is time for CACTUS JACK vs. TRIPLE H in a STREET FIGHT FOR THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION CHAMPIONSHIP and a video montage is aired outlining the McMahon-Helmsley Era and its excesses which include firing Mick Foley until the Rock and all the *boys in the back* threaten a walkout unless Foley is reinstated which is a rare image of labour solidarity in the world of professional wrestling. Why am I not hearing the usual Cactus Jack music but instead some stuff that has I believe been overdubbed? Did they somehow lose the rights to the Cactus Jack music and if so how is that even possible? HAAAAA GO AHEAD AND HIT ME WITH THAT TRIPLE HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH or whatever it is is the best of the D-X entrance songs for sure although it is still a little bit below Motorhead obviously as far as Triple H entrance songs go. Were Stephanie McMahon and Helmsley *shoot* together romantically at this point or was it still just pretend? I am curious but not enough to look it up so don't worry about it. From the admittedly little wrestling I have seen from around THE YEAR 2000 I think Triple H was legitimately awesome at this point and hopefully that impression will be proven accurate in tonight's match which again I have definitely seen on a dvd set but I have not watched in forever so beyond vaguely remembering that this is very good I know nothing about it, not even who wins or anything.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">PHYSIQUE REPORT: I would say 2012 Mick Foley is a good sixty pounds heavier than 2000 Mick Foley and you will no doubt recall that 2000 Mick Foley was by no means dangerously underweight; Triple H has I suppose at last developed his legs sufficiently that he feels comfortable wrestling in trunks rather than the increasingly goofy pants that had previously marred his otherwise fine career. Aaaaaaaaaand I would have to think that is only the first of what will prove to be many chair shots delivered to Foley that make you cringe a little. Interestingly JR and the King are still talking about Triple H as being a guy from Greenwich, Connecticut and so not one necessarily given to street fights. I know they still introduce M. Levesque as being from Greenwich to this day but they don't really do anything with it, right? Cactus Jack suplexes *Trips* onto a pallet and you don't really see a lot of pallet spots. I know a guy through judo who has a business where I think he gathers up old pallets from places and then he like repairs the pallets and sells them back to other businesses at a tidy but not untoward profit! I saw him for the first time in maybe a year and I was like hey bro what is up and he was like heeeeey good to see you I got divorced man it's the best! Backdrop into a garbage can by Cactus Jack and then a cool running knee into the stairs and BANG BANG YEEEEEAAAH it is has been too long since I have seen this guy go bang bang WOOOOOOOOOOAH unless my eyes deceive me that is a 2x4 wrapped in a stupendous amount of barbed wire that Cactus Jack has just pulled out from under the ring and I would put good money on Foley bearing the brunt of this one and lol yeah the barbed wire 2x4 got TOOK and now Triple H is going to town with it and when Foley hits Triple H in the groin with it it is not the *business end* of the barbed wire 2x4 exactly. To a massive boo referee Earl Hebner has removed the barbed wire 2x4 and has for some reason given it to Hugo at the Spanish announce table OH SHIT DOUBLE ARM DDT and Cactus Jack goes out and lays Hugo out and gets it back and there is a ref bump which is kind of pointless in a match like this AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH WOAH I was totally wrong about Triple H's willingness to get all barb wired up because he is now totally ripped up after some serious shots to the head and eeeeewwwwwww I think Triple H probably fucked up a little bit blading (I assume he bladed too because there looks to be a pretty clean line across his forehead) unless he truly wanted to be BLEEDING LIKE A HORSE in Jim Ross' phrase which is new to me. A piledriver through the announce table is teased but turned into a mere backdrop and woah ok there is a pretty nasty puncture wound in Triple H's calf too and this is pretty hardcore bros.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yeah remember how guys used to talk about the "Muta Scale" for blood in a match well Triple H has apparently decided to to full Muta here or at least attempt it. Cactus Jack takes a hip toss onto the steps which is actually kind of the most fucked up thing so far when you see the way he lands. I believe we have now entered a section of the match where Triple H is going to work on Foley's injured knee in the interests of *psychology.* AAAAAHAHAHA YEAH BARBED WIRE 2X4 TO THE KNEE idk why I find that so awesome but I do. I can tell you in all honesty that I have basically no appetite for hardcore wrestling in that I neither seek it out on youtube nor wish for its return to the WWE of today really but this match is fffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucking awesome. For the second Royal Rumble in a row, Mick Foley finds himself literally handcuffed in a World Wrestling Federation title match which is a drag for him. Triple H has the ring steps in the ring much as one can do in No Mercy and YEEEAH DROP-TOE HOLD JACK YEAH and HHH is face first into the very steps he tossed into the ring mere moments ago and Jack is like FUK YR GROIN right now and then he bites him and yikes it is a closeup of Mick Foley's fucked up *as in missing* ear aaaaaand here come the chair shots however Triple H being a gentleman is going for the back here. Last year's Rock/Foley match had to the be high point for unprotected chair shots to the head in a non-indy context, right? OK now we get a head shot on the outside AND HEEEEY IT IS THE ROCK AND HE HAS MURDERED TRIPLE H WITH A CHAIR SHOT and now somebody has just unlocked Cactus Jack's handcuffs and he does that slow motion piledriver to Helmsley through the table lol no the table didn't break actually. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK here comes a bag of thumbtacks and I totally remember how this goes now actually and it is going to be CRAZY iirc. Stephanie McMahon is out to distract the referee but again what is the point of that really? Yeah so there Cactus Jack goes into the thumbtacks, no surprises there. Pedigree and a cover FOR A MERE TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AS THE CHANTS OF FOLEY RING THROUGH MSG and AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OK I TOTALLY DID NOT REMEMBER THIS CORRECTLY BECAUSE FOLEY JUST TOOK A PEDIGREE ON TOP OF SOME FUCKIN THUMBTACKS WTF and lol yeah that is a three count ladies and gentlemen. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well that one delivered! I would say that we are merely a *decent* Royal Rumble match away from the best Royal Rumble pay per view so far. Triple H is stretchered to the Locker Room Area BUT NO ACTUALLY THAT IS NOT ENTIRELY TRUE as Foley has retrieved him and rolls him into the ring and lays him out with another barbed wire 2x4 shot to the head but it is not the best of the many such shots in the match but still it's pretty cool and there are understandably thumbtacks sticking out of Cactus Jack's head as yeah that guy with the long dark hair and glasses that Puddintaine tells me is THE MAN THEY CALL FAITH NO MORE FAN is in the building and once again has excellent seats. Jonathan Coachman is at the can't-miss Times Square WWF resto-bar thing Linda McMahon who looks and sounds bored by all of this BUT I ON THE OTHER HAND AM NOT BECAUSE THIS IS AWESOME.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Awwww man why do they have to go with a ninety second Royal Rumble when things have been going so well tonight? Scratch the whole sexy ladaaaaay routine from the middle of the card and give me the full two-minute interval between Royal Rumble competitors to which I have come to feel entitled. We are shown a Royal Rumble Moment from 1995 highlighting the first of Shawn Michaels' wins in shitty Royal Rumbles and this is the one with bored Pamela Anderson on hand. WHO HAS DRAWN NUMBER ONE THIS YEAR it is none other than D-Lo Brown who I have always enjoyed and number two is Grand Master Sexay and I totally enjoyed Brian Christopher at a house show at the Halifax Forum in like 1998 or thereabouts so I am willing to not be stuck up about this. The crowd is utterly silent throughout the seemingly endless ninety seconds they spend in the ring together so maybe I shouldn't be too stuck up about the two-minute thing either. Here comes Headbanger Mosh and he is wearing like prosthetic boobs of some kind and Kaentai hit the ring even though they are not really in it and OK now they have left but why oh why would Taka not be in the match as just a regular dude in the match? He was pretty good! That match he had with the Great Sasuke at Canadian Stampede was *excellent* as I recall. CHRISTIAN is in at number four and guess who he was trained by that's right Leo Burke however Christian didn't really come into his own until he cut his hair short so it's like Riker and his beard in reverse kind of. Thinking more about Leo Burke-trained dudes is Ken Shamrock going to be in this or is he in Pride by now hmmmmmmm . . .</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK so this is not very good so far but maybe they are going to get all the guys who don't have anything cool to do out of the way early and then everything will be cool later? RIKISHI aka Fatu is in next and he gets rid of let's see, Mosh and Christian and yeeeeeeeaaah that sit-out powerslam piledriver thing is pretty sick and there goes D-Lo and Grand Master Sexay is right to try to make peace. Ok here comes Scotty 2 Hotty and there seems to be a very real chance that we will be treated to a dance as Sexay breaks out Rikishi's glasses and lol yeah the lights drop and the music starts and we are dancing and I think this is in fact a perfectly acceptable use of the early part of the Rumble especially since the dance ends with Rikishi eliminating both of the dudes with whom he danced only moments ago and maybe my fondness for Fatu throughout all of these Royal Rumbles is colouring my opinion here but this was PLEASANT in my view. Steve Blackman is next to hit the ring and a BLACKMAN SUCKS chant rightly rings through Madison Square Garden and it is RIKISHIDRIVER and out for that feared martial artist. VISCERA which is to say Mable only kind of cool enters and he is waaaaay bigger than Fatu and he gets the better of him in his like black vinyl jacket or whatever it is. An infinitely better look than the purple pants of yore. Man Fatu got awfully big but could still reverse thrust kick a dude a bunch of times en route to eliminating him, couldn't he? Rikishi once again stands alone as the clock winds down to reveal that our next competitor is the Big Boss Man who is again in his all-black-everything look. At some point the Big Boss Man is hanged in a cage match or something isn't he? He refuses to enter the ring which is odd because say what you will about the Boss Man he rarely exhibits cowardice. He just stands out there until the next guy comes out and that next guy is TEST who was also trained by Leo Burke but do not hold that against the grappling legend from Dorchester, New Brunswick which consists of a penitentiary and farms mostly I think. Test pushes the Boss Man around and then takes his shirt off and the girlies go *EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE* and I am reminded of one time Test was talking about how he used to be a bodyguard for Motley Crue or something and he was asked if ladies ever visited sexual acts upon him in exchange for access to the band and he was like "lol yeah they knew how to pass 'The Test'" and it was like come on girls make good choices out there like for example decide *not* to blow test in order to meet Tommy Lee. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The British Bulldog comes out in the jeans and work boots that mar his default attire in WWF NO MERCY 64 and then Gangrel comes out to his cool music and I am swayed by Andrew's story of how Gangrel and Luna were excellent to him: I like Gangrel now. For some reason Taka and Funaki run back out into the ring for a second and get awesomely thrown back out and lol Jerry Lawler refers to them as "pesky little fellas." Oh OK the story is that both guys were told they would be in the Royal Rumble but they found out only recently that they would not be and so they are acting out. I get it. EDGE is in next and he is already super *over* early in this the year 2000 and guess who trained this soon-to-be-inducted WWE Hall of Famer why yes in fact it *was* Maritime great Leo Burke that's true. Edge used to do Atlantic Grand Prix tours back in the Sexton Hardcastle days and work with Bad News Allen and he wrote about that in his book that I have only read the relevant excerpts of. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So far this is a decent Royal Rumble with the potential to become either "pretty good" or its opposite "not very good" going forward I think. HOLY SHIT IT IS BOB BACKLUND just as I say that this Rumble could go either way. Six dudes team up to eliminate Rikishi and the crowd is not thrilled about it and I don't blame them. The crowd is pretty pleased to see Bob Backlund and I salute them for that. Backlund is not wearing proper wrestling trunks but instead regular looking shorts but that's fine he's super old. Next up it is Y2J who has only recently become your undisputed Intercontinental Champion and here he is in the very building where his father played for the New York Rangers and the crowd is digging Jericho OH NO he has just eliminated Backlund with a drop kick and the crowd is like WE'RE-CON-FLIC-TED *clap clap clapclapclap" and Backlund leaves through the crowd because he is a man of the people. Crash Holly is in next and lol he's short. And Edge spanks him. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is something I should know because I mean yeah I am the guy watching all of these right now but is Backlund's return in 2000 the first of the cool surprise Royal Rumble returns? Am I forgetting anybody? Like Terry Funk showed up in 1997 but I don't think that was a surprise. HEY Chyna is in next and she suplexes Jericho out over the top from the apron and then the Boss Man clotheslines Chyna. I am totally like WHO'S NEXT WHO'S NEXT in this Royal Rumble, even more than usual, and I'm not sure why. This time it is Farooq but here comes THE POSSE who beat up on Farooq for a minute and the Boss Man tosses him right out and no THE POSSE are not actually in the match they were just there to impede Farooq's progress on the road to Wrestlemania. Now it is the Road Dogg and man oh man do people love to go OH YOU DIDN'T KNOW? don't they. A "WE WANT SOME-THING" chant starts up and even with it turned right up I can't make out what they want LOOK GUYS BE CLEARER AND MAYBE I CAN HELP. Do you think the Road Dogg covers himself from head to to toe because he has a rad body or because he has a shitty one? And now we have Al Snow who we are told is unbalanced however he does not have things written on his face at this time. The Road Dogg eliminated the Bulldog "doggy style" Lawler tells us which is fine but there had to be a better line somewhere in there imo.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Did you know Val Venis has pretty right wing view for a guy from Canada? It's true and also he is in next. lol here comes Funaki again (no Taka) and Lawler is like "why aren't they in the Royal Rumble? what do they have against the Chinese?" lol oh *you.* I guess the Boss Man has been in there the longest but I would not expect him to go the distance here necessarily. Jim Ross tells us that Al Snow is "unbalanced in more ways than one on those ropes" which is expert commentary. Val Venis gets rid of Edge and we are told that they are future brother in laws? I don't know and do not care to have it explained further. Prince Albert is the latest entrant and he is named after a thing in the dicks of some but not of all. I believe he went on to some measure of success in Japan as GIANT BERNARD. I think they might be trimming the time a little bit and I understand that because you've got to get fuckin Bob Holly in there as soon as possible. He and Crash are cousins.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We are in a little bit of a lull here but eventually the Rock is going to come out and be amazing, right? RIGHT ON CUE ACTUALLY HERE HE IS HE IS THE BEST LET'S DO IT YEEEEAHHH HIS DAD IS FROM AMHERST NOVA SCOTIA AND IS OF BLACK LOYALIST DESCENT LOOK THAT UP IF YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT AND THERE GOES THE BOSS MAN as The Rock becomes a target immediately because as Jim Ross says other people do not appreciate being called jabronis all the time. Mr. Ass comes in with his excellent "I'm an ASS MAN" theme and he goes right after the Rock, too, but the Rock is like whatever and he DDTs Crash and tosses him out with little if any ceremony. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">WEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL IT'S THE BIG SHOOOOOOW AND BUSINESS IS GONNA PICK UP and it is weird to see him with hair like *really* weird and now HE is going after the Rock after first eliminating Test and Gangrel. Bradshaw is in and THE POSSE hits the ring and give him such grief that the New Age Outlaws are able to eliminate him with ease. The lights go dark and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IT'S KANE and he has with him a ladaaaaay oh it's Tori or Torrie or whatever and Val Venis is the first victim of this particular brother of destruction. The Rock gets into it with The Big Red Machine which proves The Rock is not looking to avoid confrontation with Kane or anyone else here King. The Big Show has the bad habit of pressing dudes up over his head but not eliminating them which is ANNOYING but look at this Kane has eliminated Prince Albert as the Godfather arrives with a "ho train" of sorts and lol there's Funaki again. They keep replaying Taka's elimination from earlier in the evening and only now do I recognize that yeah that was a truly terrific spill man his face was just like *SPLOONT* and I ask myself how I possibly missed that earlier. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK so here comes fuckin X-Pac in as the thirtieth entrant so it is PAC, Bob Holly, Mr. Ass, the Big Show, The Rock, Al Snow, Kane, not the Godfather because Big Sho just got him, OK not Al Snow anymore because the Rock got him, and not the Road Dogg because Mr. Ass just proved that this is indeed every man for himself, and then Mr. Ass is himself clotheslined out by Kane who is subsequently pulled out under the bottom rope. The Rock tosses X-Pac in truly fine style (good job X-Pac!) but the referees didn't see it I guess as they were concerned with Kane v. The New Age Outlaws on the cold concrete floor and the replay of X-Pac's fall is pretty rad ladies and gentlemen. So we've got the Rock, Kane, Big Show, and X-Pac as our final four and woooooooooah Kane body slams the Big Show which is cool but then X-Pac spin kicks Kane out and then aaaaaaaaaaahahahaha the Big Show who has been pressing dudes for ages but NOT throwing them out now throws X-Pac out in awesome fashion and I have been wrong to doubt him. The Rock is all over Big Show and CONNECTS with the "People's Elbow" however the Big Show hits a choke slam and this is pretty cool and OOOOOH SHIT THAT WAS AWESOME THE ROCK WINS it's like the Big Show is totally slamming The Rock over the top but the Rock just kind of hooked the top rope and tucked back in as the Big Show crashed to the floor to end a totally good Royal Rumble match and put the EXCLAMATION POINT on the best Royal Rumble pay per view thus far ladies and gentlemen the Rock is going to Wrestlemania good afternoon from my house yeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah oh wait the Big Show is back in to toss the Rock around and *get his heat back* OK fine and now there is some home video exclusive footage of The Rock in conversation with I guess that's Tom Pritchard maybe and finally we get pretty gnarly footage of Triple H getting that pallet wound in his leg stitched up and he's like "can somebody go into the crowd and tell my parents I'm OK?" and somebody is like yeah OK I'll do that now</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">WHAT A SHOW </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">also *SPLOONT*: <a href="http://youtu.be/2wMt94KDiQg">http://youtu.be/2wMt94KDiQg</a></span>ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-21583609184336135662012-01-31T08:10:00.001-08:002012-01-31T08:11:25.562-08:001999 ROYAL RUMBLE<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">THE ARROWHEAD POND IN ANAHEIM CALIFORNIA TONIGHT SERVES AS HOST TO THE 1999 ROYAL RUMBLE and this year we've got Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler on commentary and one wonders if it is that Jim Ross is sick again or if this is one of the times he was just kind of pulled off of commentary despite being the best guy at it ever? In any case we are deeply mired in the ATTITUDE ERA right now and I was not watching any pay per views at this point and was only catching maybe like ten minutes of Monday Night Raw after a hockey game or something because it was all just kind of stupid in my view. Wrestling should be old timey and square not *au courant* and *edgy* and I am not going to go on and on about this but while Austin and the Rock and Foley and increasingly Triple H by this time were all excellent at having wrestling matches there was just so much garbage underneath that I found the show pretty unwatchable and I am not of the view that shitty wrestling is much improved by dudes demanding other dudes fellate them when they don't even really mean it man they are just trying to demean them through suggestions of submissive sexuality and the very notion that those acts should be seen as demeaning calls into question whether or not anyone involved in the World Wrestling Federation was the least bit enlightened as regards sexual politics broadly. I expect more from the television show with fake fights and so should you. Also let us not forget as a general point that women gave birth to all of them. Setting all of that aside let me also say that I found the main event storytelling in this period overwrought YEAH THAT'S RIGHT OVERWROUGHT I SAID IT. I also didn't like Vince McMahon as an active in-ring competitor so that was a problem. God bless Shane-O and his willingness to take a ridiculous fall once every six months or so but I was never nuts about him either. The Attitude Era: just not for me basically.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The undercard here is not awesome. Our opening bout pits Hardcore Champion THE ROAD DOGG JESSE JAMES (in a non-hardcore title match) against tag team champion and representative of the Corporation the Big Boss Man and oh yeah right you've got your Corporation and then your Ministry and then your Corporate Ministry at some point and it's all pretty stupid. The Road Dogg awkwardly does his introduction-built-for-two for just himself here but the people in the building go absolutely nuts for it so who am I to tell him how to do his job. This match sucks but it did have the Road Dogg go "SUCK IT" which went over huge and he also audibly said SHIT when the Boss Man caught him in a bear hug so ATTITUUUUUUUDE. Let me tell you that Road Dogg vs. Big Boss Man 1999 has nothing on Barbarian vs. Boss Man 1991. Sidewalk slam and we're out. Next up is pretty solid Intercontinental title defense by Ken Shamrock (who is also the other half of the tag team champions in case you were wondering) against The Bad Ass Billy Gunn aka "Mr. Ass" who I have a soft spot for as he is my brother's go-to guy in No Mercy. This match is fine because both of these guys are fine. The motivation here is apparently that Billy Gunn mooned Shamrock's not-real-life sister Ryan which sent Shamrock into a mental state very near The Zone. A totally decent match in which again there is much encouragement in the direction of sucking it and then a ref bump and a Val Venis DDT on the champ however Shamrock manages to survive this onslaught of things and finish it with the ankle lock, signature move of the rightly feared shooter. Then we get X-Pac, the living breathing reductio ad absurdum of the Attitude Era who is heralded as perhaps the greatest European Champion of all time and who gets the win over Gangrel who was a fucking vampire in charge of a bunch of other vampires thank god for the mature storytelling of the Attitude Era HOWEVER the Brood's music was really really cool. Debuting referee Teddy Long fucks up and counts three in a spot that is plainly not the finish and lol everybody just keeps on wrestling like nothing happens and Teddy doesn't even do anything like idk waive it off or something he just carries on. Why didn't they just put those together as a tag team match or something? But whatever I guess you've got to eat those innings somehow. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sable defeated Luna in strap match so brief that it was difficult for me to mind it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hey so there is a $100,000 bounty on the head of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin tonight and a number of World Wrestling Federation Superstars intend to collect.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">HOLY SHIT this is the one with that insane match where the Rock chronic traumatic encephelopathizes Mick Foley in front of Foley's wife and children isn't it? The Rock is here and he is up to like three or more catch phrases per sentence and it is really quite a thing to hear and see and also smell cookin' I suppose. I agree with Michael Cole that the Rock is arguably the world's most electrifying sports entertainer in the world today. So this is not long after the whole situation where they had Tony Schiavone tell everybody watching Nitro that there was no point watching the taped Raw because there wasn't even going to be anything cool on it just Mick Foley winning the title from the Rock, right? The Rock is going to wrestle this I QUIT match in a track suit which might not sound cool but it's the Rock doing it so it's pretty cool. Mick Foley is in my preferred Mankind getup which is the one with the collared shirt and necktie. Mankind busts the Rock up with the microphone (a key technological component in the modern I QUIT match) and it doesn't look great but it *sounds* awesome. Unsurprisingly the match goes to the outside and with Foley down the Rock grabs a headset and offers some commentary for a moment. I am reminded that the best part of the totally fine Ken Shamrock match earlier in the night was when a bunch of fat college guys were going hard at Shamrock on the outside and he stood right in front of them looking at them for way longer than you would expect and then you could hear him say "fat piece of shit" which was funny because it was true.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OH SHIT MR. SOCKO that didn't take long to come out did it. Going back the subject of guys who are fat for a minute, holy shit did Mick Foley look fat as hell on Raw this week. He seriously needs to get on top of that. I think it is possible that notorious hardcore professional wrestler Mick Foley needs to look after himself better or he could suffer some health problems. Back on the outside the Rock holds the timekeeper's bell against Foley's head and strikes it with that little hammer and then sings "the bells will be rrrrrrrrriiiiiiinging" but I don't know what song that is. A Rock Bottom through the Spanish Announce Table seems an inevitability but the table collapses before that can happen. Now these two magnificent warriors are doing battle in the technical area where they do the lights and stuff OH SHIT DDT ON THE COLD CONCRETE FLOOR BY THE ROCK but Mankind will not quit as the chants have shifted from "ROCKY SUCKS" to simply "ROCKY" as he grabs a ladder because why not? They fuck around with that for a few minutes and it's OK and I am not that wild about hearing dudes grunting BLAARRRGGGHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO into the microphone after anything cool happens in a match but that's what we're doing here I guess and I am not going to let that get in the way. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now they're fighting in front of the first row of the lower bowl, I guess you'd say, about ten feet up, and unsurprisingly it is Foley who takes the pretty awesome fall down to a bunch of, like, things that control the lights (in a fake way) and sparks fly out of them and the lights go out for a moment which is cool and then Shane McMahon comes and is like "well I mean that's it I think" and the Rock is like OOOOOOH NO NO NO and will of course surprise no one to learn that The Rock and Mick Foley are delivering *the goods* here. I guess we are nearing the big finish as the Rock has now handcuffed Mankind but actually Mankind is now delivering multiple shots to the Rock's groin which is a sure sign of a dude who is not yet out of it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">aaaaaaaaaand here comes the chair. This is going to be horrific/great. PEOPLE's ELBOW or rather CORPORATE ELBOW with a chair over Mankind's face as for some reason the Rock/Mankind finish to Survivor Series 1998 rushes back to me. "Goodbye brain cells," the King intones as we get ok let's see there are two totally unprotected chair shots so far and Foley says "you'll have to kill me" and there are three more as Foley keeps coming forward and he's cuuuut. lol yeah this must be awesome for the kids by which I mean *his* kids and it occurs to me that I really should watch Beyond the Mat again sometime because it's on Netflix instant and if there is something on Netflix instant that you want to see and you don't watch it you are basically throwing away eight dollars a month and that is not how I live. Foley takes hmmm I guess it is a further five chair shots *to tha dome* and the Rock is alternating between catch phrases and ruinous chair shots and it is tremendous and with Foley plainly out cold the apparently prerecorded voice of Mick Foley screams I QUIT I QUIT and this match was awesome which is not something that will be new information for you but it is no less true because of that. Ahahahahaha the Rock stands astride Mankind's bleeding body and holds the championship belt aloft and here is a man who understands how you pretend to fight as well as anyone who ever came before him.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE ROYAL RUMBLE and yeah there is a $100,000 bounty on Steve Austin as has been mentioned and we also know that Austin and McMahon are going to be the first two out. We are shown a montage of all kinds of McMahon and his dudes vs. Stone Cold stuff and the best part of it involves a zamboni and the second best part shows that Vince McMahon puts up the middle finger in a way that I have seen people do on tv and movies but never irl which is the way where you do not bend the other three fingers at the knuckle but at like the next joint, you know? this is probably a regional thing. Third best: Stone Cold Stunner in a makeshift graveyard vs. the Undertaker. I guess Shawn Michaels is the comissioner here? Also we have clips from SUNDAY NIGHT HEAT that suggest Austin came to the building in a limo monster truck but I am not convinced he was driving.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Howard Finkel's explanation of the rules and concept here lasts much longer than usual AND HERE WE GO IT IS "STONE COLD" STEVE AUSTIN and yeah he is the best just look at his "HELL YEAH" leather vest with a skull on it and yeah see now the way Austin puts up the middle finger is in my view the standard method. Out comes McMahon to his NO CHANCE THAT'S WHATCHA GOT music and idk I'm not that into it even though he has impressively roidy old man tits I suppose. Lawler, in considering McMahon's physique, cums. The bell is rung and first a mud hole and then a groin are almost immediately stomped. Austin considers tossing McMahon out be decides not to in order to further exact his revenge I guess. Here comes GOLGA or whatever who is I believe John Tenta as a member of the Oddities in an already-kind-of-dated-by-1999 Cartman t-shirt and a fetish mask that will never be out of style probably. McMahon bails out under the bottom rope, Austin eliminates GOLGA and then pursues McMahon through the crowd and into the concourse and then a bathroom where Austin is JUMPED BY THE CORPORATE TEAM.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And so the soon-to-be-crippled Droz comes out to an empty ring and hangs out for like a minute before they send the next dude in and that dude is EDGE who is not a vampire here but instead a regular guy (he WAS a vampire for a while wasn't he?) and I'm pretty sure they haven't actually said whether they are supposed to be going ninety seconds or the full two minutes -- they said "an equal interval of time" or something -- and they're kind of all over the place with it but suffice it to say that the timing does not feel rushed and I am confident will not be an issue going forward because I am optimistic by nature. THE MAN THEY CALL GILLBERG enters and he was always pretty funny imo and he is eliminated immediately and yeah ok I am going to call this a TWO MINUTE Rumble for the record and be done with it. Good call, wrestling: two minutes is the way to go.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Austin is getting stretchered out of the women's room, looks like, as Steve Blackman and the shittiest kicks enter the ring. There's a good bit where Droz has Blackman almost out and he looks to Edge and goes GET OVER HERE and Edge responds to that bit of bossing with a thumb to the eye. Dan Severn is in next and he's another guy I have a hard time remembering was ever around perhaps because he's not in any of the video games. We're getting as much footage of Austin being attended to as we are getting of the *in-ring action* right now. TIGER ALI SINGH IS AN ELITIST WHO DOES NOT LIKE AMERICA and he is here to wrestle now. lol why is Dan Severn wrestling in a wet heather-grey t-shirt? Why wouldn't he, I guess. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">IT IS THE BLUE MEANIE OF THE J.O.B. SQUAD and those guys were pretty funny. I believe JBL "potatoed" him extensively at one point much to the delightnigdation of guys who get mad about wrestling on the internet? Not a whole lot of action here but we're really just getting going. Number eleven would appear to be a no show. Was it supposed to be Mosh, who Mabel has just slammed into a concrete wall? Perhaps so as Mabel now enters. He is clad in black formal wear and he is a monster apparently as he has eliminated Blackman, Severn and Singh.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OH YOU DIDN'T KNOW the crowd inquires before telling our asses to CAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL SOMEBODY as it is the Road Dogg and Mabel has eliminated the Meanie and Droz. T. R. Dogg sends Edge from the apron to the floor so he's gone and we're down to just Mabel and your hardcore champion Road Dogg and the lights go out and the Undertaker's music begins despite the Undertaker not taking part in this event and ooooh myyyyyyyy it is the druids and also the Acolytes and Paul Bearer and lol a Godwin and I guess they have eliminated Mabel or something? This is awfully stupid and now the Road Dogg is left alone in the ring.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He is joined by Gangrel who is shitty but man that theme music man I can't get enough of it and hey there goes Gangrel. So yeah we are just about halfway through this Royal Rumble and we have the Road Dogg standing tall in the centre of the ring and it is totally clear to me why I stopped watching this EXCEPT HERE IS KURRGAN AND HE IS WEARING ALL KINDS OF TIE DYE AND A LEATHER SKULLCAP YEEEEEEEEEAH SIDEWALK SLAM and now we are asked what everybody wants and what everybody needs and it is either head or AL SNOW and remember when he was like Dan Severn's submissions coach or something? That is a wild thought. Snow makes some bad choices as he attempts to eliminate Kurrgan and Road Dogg tips him out. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Goldust is in at number sixteen and he is back from the brink of the provocative Lady Gagaesque fashion avant-garde and back in recognizable gold only with black accents that suggest he is a dark and troubled soul and Road Dogg says "suck it" not to either of his foes so much as to the crowd and they go YEEEEEAAAAAHH! and that's something to think about imo.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's the Godfather and two ladies of the night.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">KANE KANE KANE and one can only think about how much more exciting it would be if Jim Ross were here to BAH GAWD this situation but alas. There goes Road Dogg, and the Godfather, and yeah Goldust, too. I don't know if I would go so far as to suggest that *every* Royal Rumble needs a monster dude to wreck a whole bunch of people for a minute but it has always worked man it has *always* worked. However, a bunch of guys in white coats come out to take him to an insane asylum as per Mr. McMahon's orders or something? If I was there I would get an O-VER-WROUGHT! O-VER-WROUGHT! chant going that would catch on in my section and soon overtake the arena. Here's McMahon now, he's out at commentary, actually. Ken Shamrock comes out, and two minutes later Billy Gunn comes down wearing only one boot because of an earlier ankle locking, so we can get back to having a wrestling match again finally *gosh.* I may have neglected to mention earlier that Ken Shamrock hit a sweet perfectplex in the IC title match. Also last night at judo my man Jimmie was talking about the key points of a pin we call yoko shiho gatame for the noobs and he was talking about how you use your arm around the leg and he was like "I'll tell you what it's not: it's not a perfectplex grip" and I was like lololololol good stuff Jimmie and everyone else there is like ten years younger than us and they were like "wuh?" because they lack culture but that is our fault as instructors as much as it is anybody else's; we must teach them these things.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Test is out next and even though he was trained by Leo Burke he is not that awesome. Now we've got Mable being loaded into a hearse and there is just too much extraneous shit going on here; it is as though they have forgotten that it's supposed to be about the rumbling, man, the *royal* rumbling. An ambulance arrives and would you believe that it contains "Stone Cold" Steve Austin? Here he is now, and he chases McMahon back into and out of the ring. Shamrock clearly has the bounty on his mind and goes after Austin who eliminates him in short order and then the Big Boss Man comes in and Austin is choking him with a cord or something.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Triple H runs in with terrible tights and he too goes for The Bounty OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH SHIT Austin just murdered Billy Gunn with a clothesline that impressed me tremendously. Val Venis in next and there are some dudes in towels who gyrate in the lower bowl if you know what I'm saying (I am only saying what I'm literally saying here actually). Austin eliminates Gunn. McMahon is still on commentary by the way. X-Pac is in and he receives what has become known as "X-Pac heat" not from the Anaheim crowd but from me. I know Austin has trouble with his hearing so it makes sense but lol he really talks loudly when he calls things in the ring doesn't he. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">SEXUAL CHOCOLATE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN and I had completely forgotten about this integral part of the Mark Henry story. We all like 2012 Mark Henry, right? My assumption here is that we do. Jeff Jarrett is in at number 27 and LOOK OUT DEBRA THERE IS A MAN IN THE RING WHO IS GOING TO HIT YOU IF NOT NOW THEN EVENTUALLY. X-Pac kicks Triple H and honestly I am surprised to see it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">D-Lo is number twenty-eight and he has two ladies with him, who appear to be Marlena and oh shit what is her name, Miss Jacqueline or something? Wikipedia is down today to protest SOPA and so I am powerless here. And Marlena who now they are now calling by her shoot name has just lost a storyline baby. Austin eliminates Test and Boss Man gets X-Pac (lol that's the breaks little maaaaan) and Triple H gets Jarrett.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ENOUGH IS ENOUGH AND IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE as Owen Hart enters and how soon will he die? Austin needs a drink so he comes out to commentary and has a sip out of a pitcher and then throws the rest in McMahons's face. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our thirtieth and final entrant is Chyna who looks remarkably different from before probably because of the complete Chynal reconstructive surgery she has undergone and she goes right after Mark Henry who totally sells for her and he is hurled over the top but Chyna is then clotheslined over the top by Austin and Michael Cole is like "THE RATTLESNAKE DOESN'T CARE IF YOU'RE A WOMAN OR A MAN" which is all too true is it not. Triple H and Austin do some pretty good stuff while Owen and D-Lo work in one corner and Val Venis and the Boss Man do something or other in the other WOAH OK TRIPLE H TOSSES OUT VAL VENIS AND IS THEN STUNNERED AND HIMSELF ELIMINATED so lol your final four are Austin and Owen and D-Lo and the Boss Man for some reason and oh yeah also McMahon who is still officially part of this. The crowd: pretty flat here but it has been a pretty long night I guess and maybe they'll get all like AUSTIN AUSTIN AUSTIN when it's down to just him and one other guy or something. What a weird final four (five) though. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ENZIGUIRI on Austin but he gets right up and tosses Owen soon thereafter. D-LO HITS THE LO DOWN and I think I should go see him next time he is here on an indie card but the Boss Man pushes him and then it is STUNNER OH MY STUNNER and the Boss Man is gone and now it is Austin and McMahon and McMahon is still on commentary and he begs off at first but then all we hear is the shitty sound of a muffled microphone ruffling all over two dudes as OK now they are fighting in the crowd and this should be way more exciting than this if not to me then to the assembled thousands in Anaheim should it not? The unprotected chair shot to McMahon's head does nothing to move them and that is shocking. They are back in the ring and a low blow from McMahon here has to be seen as a *desperation move* however soon enough we are in a kick/wham/stunner situation and then a second-turnbuckle elbow and then Austin goes back up again but HERE IS THE ROCK WITH HIS CHAMPIONSHIP BELT AND SOME REALLY NICE CLOTHES AND WHAT IS GOING ON HERE OH MY GOODNESS AUSTIN IS TOPPLED BY VINCE MCMAHON AS AUSTIN AND THE ROCK GOT INTO IT ON THE ROPES AND THIS IS THE DUMBEST SHIT.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Rock and Austin brawl all the way to the back as I am left to consider how uninteresting this Royal Rumble match was overall and McMahon winning is not cool it is stupid HOWEVER the Rock vs. Mankind for the title was really good and probably damaged his relationship with not only his children but his wife too. On the whole however I would ask that you get me out of this Attitude Era immediately. </span><br />
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<br /></div>ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-86898264436244067852012-01-31T08:09:00.001-08:002012-01-31T08:09:41.891-08:001998 ROYAL RUMBLE<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">IN OVER ONE HUNDRED COUNTRIES IN SEVEN DIFFERENT LANGUAGES LET US DO THIS YOU AND I as the intro to this 1998 ROYAL RUMBLE is not without poetry when it suggests that at least one man will tonight "EMBRACE THE SOULLESS ALLY THAT IS DESPERATION" here in San Jose! Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler are our commentators and that is definitely for the best and on the Spanish table we've got Carlos Cebrera and hey Tito Santana and the French-language broadcast is still going strong with Ray Rougeau and Jean Brossard and HEY MIKE TYSON is taking it all in from one of the boxes.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">HOLY SHIT the Artist Formerly known as Goldust accompanied by Luna Vachon is fuckin crazy looking and most closely resembles Dr. Rockso the rock 'n' roll clown who loves cocaine from the hit heavy metal cartoon series Metalocalypse at this point yiiiiiikes they are showing a collection of his different recent outfits and this one is actually by far the most conservative. Oh no he broke up with Marlena? She seemed nice! And also freakaaaay. Goldust is facing the man I like to call Vader tonight and it is always strange to see Vader as a "fan-favourite." Vader pulls on the MMA-style gloves in preparation for the clubberin which is no doubt soon to occur. You know what, I'm not sure I have seen this Royal Rumble. I have definitely seen all of the previous ones at or around their time of original airing, but I think I stopped getting PPVs with bros around this time, largely, although I definitely watched the Wrestlemania that this leads to LIVE and with a bunch of awesome dudes (it's one of those weird things where I think I remember where everybody was sitting in this one dude's living room, even). But I was mostly just watching the TV shows in 1998 and by probably 1999 I was kind of done with it all for a while. But no that's crazy I MUST have watched the 1998 Royal Rumble HOLY SHIT TOP ROPE FIST DROP TO THE GROIN FROM GOLDUST. There is once again an awful lot of brawling outside the ring which I like fine when dudes are good at it and these two are. Also, Luna Vachon was pretty ripped. Somebody has a sign that says "TED TURNER IS GAY" and I would be surprised if that were true and the same guy has a sign that says "KARL IS SMART" which is no more likely imo. I do not at all oppose bringing a sign to wrestling but I have chosen my words deliberately here and that is to say *a* sign. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Vader is THICK" Jim Ross observes and who would ever argue. Vader goes up top for the VADERBOMB but is ferociously low-blowed while the fucking bonkers Luna Vachon distracted the referee. Not long thereafter however we get a second VADERBOMB attempt and Luna rushes in and jumps up on his back but Vader is like "whatevs" and executes the VADERBOMB with Luna on his back which was really really awesome and no I don't think I have seen this how crazy is that?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Worthless fucking Todd Pettingill seems to have been replaced with young Michael Cole who informs us that "Stone Cold" Steve Austin has arrived in the Stone Cold Pick-up Truck but Austin has no comment other than "park it and don't scratch it" and then something about someone's ass. The Godwins are hot on the tail of Austin but are a hair's breadth behind. Sunny comes out in foxy referee gear because she is tonight's foxy special guest referee and yeah she continues to communicate unmitigated luridness as we ready ourselves for a MINIS SIX MAN BOUT FUCK YES and our competitors are the team of Battallion, Tarantula, and El Torito "squaring off" against Nova, Mosaic, and Max Mini and iirc Max Mini is the money dude here, right? lol Sunny is checking the boots and ring gear of these cute little fellas who are probably all about liquor and whores and nothing but BUT THEY'RE SO CUTE. lol these little fuckers can WORK too and I don't just mean flippiness -- though there is certainly flippiness -- but also in terms of playing to the crowd and *communicating* and *telling a story* but mostly these guys are tiny. El Torito is my favourite early on but they're all neat! Lawler is like "Max Mini must be trying to learn English; I saw him reading a book backstage" and J.R. was like oh yeah which one and Lawler goes, "LITTLE WOMEN" and that was pretty good. We are shown a live shot of Mike Tyson and he is like LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL which is correct. He's in now and he flips and flips and it's like oh man what is he gonna do? and the first thing he does is get kicked in the fucking face by TARANTULA and it's awesome. Ahahahaha here he goes now and this Max Mini is the baddest eighty-seven-pound dude on the planet. Seriously seriously seriously though: if you were in the same room with an eighty-seven pound guy who you knew was a trained wrestler and knew how to fall, how long would it take before you tried to powerbomb him? HOLY SHIT MOSAIC OVER THE TOP TO THE OUTSIDE AND NOW IT IS LIKE ALL THE DUDES ARE DOING DIVES AND MAX MINIS WAS A CORKSCREW ASAI MOONSAULT OR SOME SHIT and moments later Max Mini gets the pin on my man El Torito after some seriously sick matwork. Sunny is on the ground and exhausted and PUNCHLINE.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">THEY ARE THE NATION . . . OF DOMINATION and they are looking for Stone Cold. Farooq, D-Lo, Kama, and Mark Henry, I guess, though he is more than a decade away from being super awesome. Vince and Shane McMahon and Mike Tyson are all chilling in that box but there are no minis anymore so Mike Tyson looks way less happy. Now there are highlights of recent Ken Shamrock vs. The NATION stuff and maybe Mark Henry has always been awesome, actually. I mean he *was* trained by Leo Burke (as was Shamrock for that matter). Here's Intercontinental Champion "THE ROCK" Rocky Maivia and let's see if he's awesome yet: not as awesome as he would get but already pretty awesome already yeah. Paula Jones humour: topical! It's still Howard Finkel doing the ring announcing which is nice. The Rock is like "you can do your ROCKY SUCKS all you want but The Rock is YOUR Intercontinental Champion" and yeah he is pretty good at this. How will he fare against "The World's Most Dangerous Man" Ken Shamrock as a cool INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP graphic flies across the screen and Shamrock comes out in a stance that Fire Pro calls "shooter"? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not well in the early going! But this is understandable as JR explains that Ken Shamrock might be the best no holds barred fighter ever, and if it isn't him it's probably Dan Severn. I am enjoying the work of referee Mike Chioda here, and when I googled to find out how to spell his last name I learned he was suspended from the WWE after a failing a drug test not long after the CM Punk/John Cena match in Chicago, which is a hell of a thing. I guess you've got to be clean out there with so much responsibility on your shoulders. This match is pretty good. Shamrock is better than I'd remembered and the Rock knows what time it is and that time is "time to be great at wrestling." OH SHIT PERFECTPLEX FROM SHAMROCK and some piece of shit has a laser pointer. God damn it I hate laser pointers. Back to Shamrock: remember how there was that story that everybody knew about how Vader was sent in there in Shamrock's first WWF match as a kind of punishment for working too stiff with dudes and Shamrock was supposed to rough him up a little and then that story turned out to be complete bullshit? FUUUUUUCK it had clearly been too long since I had seen The Rock's sweet DDT with the dude coming off the ropes because I am blown away right now by how slick that was. JR reminds us that these are young athletes in their prime and not the seniors' tour, and we know very well what he means us to understand by that pointed remark.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">HURRICANRANA from Shamrock and he looks ready to enter "THE ZONE" but here comes Kama Mustafa to distract the referee as Rocky grabs brass knuckles out of his tights, levels Shamrock, and slips the knucks ever so delicately in Shamrock's tights. Shamrock kicks out and nails a belly-belly-suplex for three! Shit that was pretty good. Your winner and new INTERcontinental champion is Ken Shamrock HOWEVER the Rock is complaining to referee Mike Chioda that Shamrock hit him with a foreign object, an object which Chioda finds in Shamrock's trunks and the decision is reversed! That is just straight up classic stuff man and I love the classics like Aeschylus and this finish. OH SHIT SUPLEX AND ANKLE LOCK TO MIKE CHIODA so maybe his recent drug failure was because of a prescription pain medication issue that begin due to an ankle break here or something. Pat Patterson and other officials have come down to make sure no other crazy shit goes down. Hey when did Pat Patterson stop booking Royal Rumbles? Retired in October 2004 according to Wikipedia but is a consultant of some kind now. May he have a long and glorious retirement.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The great World Wrestling Federation Race War of '98 rages on backstage among various factions.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Next up we've got the Legion of Doom challenging the New Age Outlaws for the tag team titles and look I have never for a second liked D-X or the Outlaws and that is just the way it is man and if that means I am to be denounced as an enemy of fun then so be it. Some good video montagery here but nobody beats the WWE of right this very second in 2012 for video packages. lol the Outlaws are wearing Cartman t-shirts in some of these clips thus indicating that yes indeed this is 1998 we are looking at. IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU WOULD BE WELL ADVISED TO CAAAAAAAALLLLLL SOMEBODDAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY CURRENTLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY and yeah by some incredibly debased measure a guy who said "double crooked letter" in 1998 was thought to be a cool dude for a little while. This match is ragged beyond belief, with all kinds of confusion about who the legal man is and not in a way where it had anything to do with the match or the story or anything they just all fucked up and there is some shitty brawling on the outside and Hawk is handcuffed to the ring post and a chair shot DQ ends it and your winners but NOT new champions are the Legion of Doom who are really showing their age here and while Billy Gunn is OK at wrestling the ROAD DOGG is not. Oh yeah they came out in Brett Favre jerseys in the interest of "heat."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A Stone Cold pickup truck (it is a Chevrolet) is awarded to a lady from Tennessee as a video montage shows us why Steve Austin is entering this 1998 Royal Rumble as A MARKED MAN and it seems that the reason is that he has been stunnering a whole bunch of different people! And here we go with the Royal Rumble and it is a TWO MINUTE affair which is as you know the best way to do it. The stakes are of course a World Wrestling Federation Championship bout at Wrestlemania XIV which is where, Boston? Why would I remember that? HEEEEY IN AT NUMBER ONE IS CACTUS JACK but it's not the Cactus Jack music I remember which is too bad. I know that it became internet fashionable (maybe just in our small corner of the internet, idk) to dislike Mick Foley but I enjoy Cactus Jack and Foley's first book was great. Number two is Cactus Jack in his CHAINSAW CHARLIE guise and he comes in with a chainsaw which Foley knocks out of his hands with a chair and now Foley and Funk are whacking each other with chairs and weirdly Funk and Foley exchange chair shots that they are like in-character asking the other dude to hit them with. Tom Brandi (Tom "Boom Boom" Brandi? is that right? was that ever a thing?) is the third man in and Funk and Foley put him out right away so they can continue to do stuff with chairs which JR reminds us are not "stunt man chairs" but instead regular old metal folding chairs lol ok Foley just suplexed Funk onto two folding chairs that were deployed in, you know, normal chair sitting position. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Rock is in at number four and he is still a man of the Nation of Domination theme music rather than his own boss song. Cactus Jack smacks him pretty well with a garbage can which they then put over the Rock's head and Foley knocks him not *over* but instead *through* the ropes with a chair shot. WOOOOOAH Funk just totally whipped a chair down the aisle at Headbanger Mosh and you know what my problem was never with Headbanger Mosh; he's OK in my books. Funk misses a moonsault on Mosh while Cactus Jack and The Rock are busy being pretty awesome in the other corner. Here comes Phineas Godwin who is a dark and evil hog farmer at this point and I'm much more comfortable with that than the Godwins as happy-go-lucky country boys because the country is fucked up man. Both my parents are from the country so I speak on this matter as an unimpeachable authority not to be questioned by anyone especially people who are actually from the country and so would actually know. In at number seven is 8-Ball, who is I guess a member of the Aryan biker gang that has a problem with blacks and so has like half a problem with The Rock. There goes Cactus Jack at the hands of his bro Chainsaw Charlie and you know what, Cactus Jack was awesome. I'm not really a guy who is all about hardcore wrestling but in the hands of a true artist like Mick Foley or Necro Butcher or Mr. Pogo I am all for it (or at least mostly for it). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">IT IS BLACKJACK BRADSHAW and remember when they just kind of overnight were like "yeah this guy who you remember as just a guy is now JBL and he is wealthy and unbeatable" and it was like idk about this but then it turned out it was totally the role he was born to play? The Rock tries to push Funk over the top but Funk actually puts the Rock in an inverted triangle choke or "sankaku jime" and I am wondering if that was inadvertent. Owen Hart is up next but he is DASTARDLYLY ATTACKED by fucking Jeff Jarrett and James E. Cornette who JR informs us are there as representative of the NWA. JARRETT'S NO MORE THAN A BACK JUMPER is Jim Ross' inarguable contention. At this point Owen Hart was both the black hart and the sole survivor was he not? Poor Owen, man: he must have been lonely and then they fuckin killed him. Steve Blackman is in next and he is an enigma to me: I could have sworn that I read an interview where he was like "lol I don't know anything man the whole martial arts thing was pure gimmick" but I can find no evidence to support this and I'm probably just wrong. Blackman does a really shitty job of pretending to think he had eliminated Chainsaw Charlie and therefore walking away. That sounds easy enough to do but he fucked it up. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here is why you ban the piledriver: because if you don't dudes like 8-Ball whoever that is will just pick up Terry Funk and piledrive him in a nothing spot in the middle of the Royal Rumble and you could really hurt him man he is old as hell. D-Lo Brown is in next and now we're a little over a third of the way in and so far this isn't great or anything but I enjoyed the Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie stuff at the beginning. The Rock hasn't done much yet but he's in there for the long haul no doubt. Actually the Rock and D-Lo just got into it a little bit and so one might say that the cracks are beginning to show in this nation devoted to domination? YEEEEAAAHHH IT IS KURRGAN THE INTERROGATOR who is from around here and used to wrestle as THE ACADIAN GIANT and I think he mostly acts now: my brother saw him at a sci-fi convention here a year ago. He eliminates Mosh straightaway and then begins to bellow things. We are probably not far from "The Oddities" as a thing are we? I really didn't like any of that stuff. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Marvelous Marc Mero who is apparently a boxer of some kind is led to the ring by Sable and I am not a guy who is like "the ladies who you find attractive are insufficiently attractive to me and therefore I am superior to you" but Sable is not for me man not for me. Kurrgan has done away with Steve Blackman who in all honesty will probably not be missed. The Rock is really going after D-Lo here so maybe this is it for them as tenuous bros. Ken Shamrock is in and he goes right for Kurrgan and lol apparently part of Shamrock's gimmick was that he was good at kicking which really defies credulity. A bunch of guys including Shamrock band together to knock Kurrgan over the top and it is back to the Locker Room Area to enjoy some rappie pie and other traditional Acadian fare. Here comes Headbanger Thrasher in his Marilyn Manson t-shirt and Doc Marten-esque boots but his pal has already been eliminated which is too bad for him. MANKIND is next which is pretty cool and yeah I definitely have not seen this though of course I have heard about this. Foley eliminates Funk immediately and goes to work on the Rock. Shamrock and the Rock *renew acquaintances* a little later. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At number seventeen it is Goldust and he is wearing not a speck of gold on his genuinely disturbing silver lamé ensemble topped with ladies underthings. He eliminates Mankind but I have a sneaking suspicion that is not all we are going to see of one M. Foley this evening. Here comes National Wrestling Alliance North American Champion Jeff Jarrett who does not have a guitar with him with which he can come off the top rope so there is little chance of him being the least bit passable here and OH MY here comes Owen Hart exacting revenge for earlier shenanigans and one wonders if he is a valid entrant at this point since he never entered the match when his number was originally called? Jarrett believes he has eliminated Owen but Hart *skins the cat* and Owen eliminates Jarrett and JR says "GOODBYE NWA" and ain't that the truth ladies and gentlemen. THE HONKY TONK MAN is out next as the Rock eliminates Shamrock, and European Champion HHH and his consort Chyna come out and nail Hart with a crutch so he's out now I guess AND IT IS AHMED JOHNSON WITH A BEANIE AND SOME DANGLY EARRINGS and he goes after D-Lo in the corner. Lawler acknowledges Honky Tonk Wayne as his cousin which I don't recall ever happening any other times. Here comes smilin' Mark Henry who has only recently joined the Nation of Domination and one wonders if he will own? Ross mentions that Henry is one of seventeen wrestlers making their Royal Rumble debut here which has got to be a non-1988 record. That is a ton of turnover in the midst of these Monday Night Wars. Henry is selling way too much for Ahmed Johnson imo he should be WORLD'S STRONGEST SLAMming him. Have I mentioned that there has been "word from the back" that Austin has been assaulted? They've been talking about that a little. Henry eliminates Johnson and also Phineas who lol absolutely creams the referee on the outside, just totally booted referee Jack Doane (I think that's right) in the head and he is down and quite possibly SHOOT down. Number twenty two comes and goes with no no entrant and there is speculation that it was Austin's number. Man how many dudes are there in the Nation of Domination? Here comes Kama Mustafa and he goes after 8-Ball who is somehow still out there. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">*glass break* DUN DUN DA DUN STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN and the entire match stops and everybody looks down the aisle HOWEVER Stone Cold has snuck in the ring from the other side! This is pretty cool. He dumps Mero and 8-Ball before he even gets his LEATHER VEST off and then actually he totally chokes D-Lo with that very vest which is also cool. Boy after that initial reaction from the crowd and also Mike Tyson they all quiet right back down in kind of a hurry which is odd. Henry Godwin in next and he is wearing a confederate flag t-shirt no doubt signifying his opposition to the war of northern aggression as it is sometimes called by distinguished historians. Uh next in we've got Savio Vega's whole gang? That doesn't seem right and fair to me. Vega has issues with Austin and HOLY SHIT Austin just ruined Goldust forever with a clothesline. You know what is weird though? This match isn't all that exciting right now. At number twenty-seven we hear the Nation of Domination song for the eightieth time tonight and it is Ron "Farooq" Simmons and wait wait wait wtf Austin is out? no wait the Rock threw him out between the ropes rather than over them OK. They are BRAWLING ON THE OUTSIDE in classic late 1990s style and that is the action the camera follows thus trivializing all of the trivial dudes doing trivial shit in the ring right now. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">DUUUUUDE LOVE YEEEEAHHHH and the crowd *does not care* which is weird. Foley knocks Bradshaw to the floor and Goldust is on the outside now but I think he went out through the ropes and now he is mixing it up with Austin on the outside . . . man they are having like some serious conceptual problems about how to integrate the main event-style brawling du jour with the Royal Rumble match itself and the seams are showing a little on this one. Who is CHAINZ? oh he is an Aryan biker I get it. The crowd is silent with one man to go and that man is VADER THAT BIG OL' STINKY GRIZZLY BEAR as Jim Ross puts it here. Vader has the temerity and utter gall to eliminate the Honky Tonk Man so who do we have left here, we've got Vader, Goldust, Foley, Austin, Chainz, Godwin, Kama, the Rock, Thrasher, Mark Henry, Farooq, D-Lo and Savio Vega. Again I am struck by the near total indifference of the crowd. I mean, they are pleased when Austin gets rid of first Thrasher and then Kama but not like *super* pleased. He gets Savio, too, just before Goldust clotheslines Vader out which is kind of surprising. Godwin runs at Foley but misses and he's gone. Chainz tosses Goldust, so so much for Goldust seeming like a cool guy for eliminating Vader. I think Austin eliminated Chainz? Farooq got Mark Henry I think. This is not that clear. All of a sudden we are down to the final four which consists of former tag team champions Steve Austin and Dude Love along with Farooq and the Rock and lol it is SWEET SHIN MUSIC into a double-arm DDT. Foley then secures a Mandible Claw on Stone Cold who kicks him in the groin allowing Farooq to get the best of him alas Mick Foley it is not to be. Farooq is working Austin over in the corner but the Rock sneaks up from behind and dumps him so we've got STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN and THE ROCK and YEEEEAAAHH says the crowd for like a second and then it is like, near elimination, STONE COLD STUNNER, very real elimination and YEEEEEAAAAHHHH THIS IS WHAT WE ALL WANTED TO HAPPEN RIGHT but guys I don't know what to tell you other than that this was not that awesome. Like, without question this totally had to be the STONE COLD WINS THE ROYAL RUMBLE Royal Rumble and that happened so that's good but there was almost nothing cool that happened here. Even the Mick Foley triple entry thing was neat but in the building nobody cared and they didn't make as big a deal of it as you might expect on commentary; they were pretty much like "hey that's sumthin' I guess." An indifferent crowd fixed an indifferent Royal Rumble match squarely in its sights and I am on the whole pretty surprised that wasn't better. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">INTENSE MAN COLD STONE IS MY MAN are Mike Tyson's words to Michael Cole. A video package shows us highlights of Shawn Michaels and Undertaker performances that I have got to think outstrip anything that we're about to see here, right? Because that Hell in A Cell match was awesome and I don't think anybody ever talks about how their Royal Rumble match is actually the honey but we'll see. If I am remembering right HBK was at or near the peak of his being hard to deal with here, right? So maybe he'll fuck around out there and it will be funny. Oh fuck me it's a casket match. Jim Ross says that Michaels is the only guy to win every title in the World Wrestling Federation which reminds me that oh yeah he totally won the European Title which seemed as though it had been created for the express purpose of giving the Bulldog a big win in England or something, right? Triple H is our current European champion here as I mentioned previously but in my view the European title did not come into its own until one time Christian was like "AT LAST I WILL BE THE CHAMPION . . . OF EUROPE" or something and then a moment after that the European title fell out of its own after only recently having come into it man it was sad. The Undertaker comes out last despite his status as the challenger and as the lights are down we can see that about thirty dudes have laser pointers here. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Michaels takes a pretty nasty spill to the outside in the early going in which he ricochets off the casket which looks like it fuckin hurt but on the whole I'm just not that into getting into and then out of a casket quickly as a substitute for like near falls and submission attempts and deride me as a traditionalist if you must because of those beliefs. Michaels is generally awesome at selling in a slightly broad and cartoonish way but there are a couple of moments here where I wonder if he's slightly being a dick by overdoing it; there's nothing near Hulk Hogan at THE SUMMERLSAM level or anything and maybe he is just *working zany* we might say but it seems odd. HBK is into and out of the casket which I initially mistyped as "cakety" and hooray however while in there he seems to have come across some sort of powder which he throws in the eyes of THE DEAD MAN which we see again in a replay from the perspective of CASKET CAM. What's up French announce table? Believe it or not this professional wrestling match from 1998 has gone to the outside for a prolonged period of time which is in fact only appropriate in this no-disqualification contest in which AN AMAZING FUCKING PILEDRIVER ON THE STEEL STEPS BY THE HEARTBREAK KID SHAWN MICHAELS JESUS CHRIST is as legal as a wrist lock. That was sooooo cool but now Triple H is assaulting the Undetaker with his crutch and what is not cool about this is that he is wearing his European title belt firmly affixed around his waist the whole time and he looks like A DOOFUS in the mold of mixed martial arts champion Tim Sylvia.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is a good match so far but the crowd is listless as Michaels applies the sleeper hold and Jim Ross suggests that the Undertaker might be sleeping one off in the casket and I am like lol yeah maybe BUT NO the Undertaker escapes. A really nice elbow drop from the top and JR is like NOBODY IN OUR INDUSTRY DELIVERS IT BETTER in an obvious and unacceptable dig at "Macho Man" Randy Savage however now I can say with confidence that Michaels' top rope elbow is waaaaaay better than CM Punk's because I have seen both on the same day. After SWEET CHIN MUSIC which is not as cool as calling it a superkick imo Shawn Michaels rolls the Undertaker into the casket and crotch chops in the direction of his foe who then goozles him and GOES ON OFFENSE for like a second and then lololol Undertaker rolls into the casket for basically no reason and then once there realizes he is in the wrong position so he totally turns around head-to-toe style and then Michaels comes off the top rope with what they generously call an elbow drop and the lid closes on both of them and it is seven minutes of heaven I guess. Back in the ring we get a chokeslam and then aaaaaaaaahahahaha a jumping tombstone from the apron into the casket HOWEVER Chyna has mauled the referee and D-X and Savio and his dudes all hit the ring and then the lights go down AND IT IS KANE COMING TO HELP HIS BROTHER Jim Ross speculates and lol he goes on from there actually: "AN UNHOLY ALLIANCE OF THE BROTHERS OF THE NIGHT; KANE IS COMING TO HELP HIS BROTHER; BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP!" Kane clears the ring but I wonder what happens next because it would not surprise me at all if YES INDEED Kane has turned on his very own brother of the night thus rupturing their unholy alliance. A very shitty chokeslam into the casket follows. That's the finish I guess. Paul Bearer is out of makeup and also out at ringside as the casket is locked and wheeled away and casket matches suuuuuuuuuuuuuck ladies and gentlemen and the only things that can make them watchable in the least are: (i) rad piledrivers on the steps and (ii) tombstone piledrivers from the apron to the casket HOWEVER you can undo a lot of that good by carrying on after the match and that is what is happening now as Kane is hacking away at the casket with a fuckin ax and pouring gasoline all over the thing and this is stuuuuuuuuuupid AND MAH GAWD THE CASKET'S ON FIRE THE UNDERTAKER IS IN THE CASKET and then in an a WWF HOME VIDEO EXCLUSIVE we get another minute or so of this horseshit and we are treated to seeing crew put out THIS INFERNAL BLAZE MY GOD while the crowd is like "ok I guess?" They open the casket and are stunned to find not the charred remains of a guy who has just been murdered on TV but instead NOTHING AT ALL and the voice of the Undertaker goes KANE UNTIL OUR PATHS CROSS AGAIN I SHALL NEVER REST . . . IN PEACE and what a dumb fucking thing that was. The Undertaker's streak of getting his shit pushed in at the Royal Rumble remains in tact. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A surprisingly shitty Royal Rumble on the whole, then: Vader/Goldust had a great finish, the minis six-man tag was totally good, and the Rock and Ken Shamrock was *totally* totally good; but the L.O.D. v. N.A.O. match was A COMPLETE DEBACLE as was sometimes said in Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game, and then the Royal Rumble match itself was surprisingly flat and there was really an awful lot of nonsense surrounding a couple of really cool moves in the title match. I'm as surprised as you maybe also are perhaps.</span><br />
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<br /></div>ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-72037917136998972092012-01-31T07:54:00.000-08:002012-01-31T11:40:00.913-08:001997 ROYAL RUMBLE<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">AS WE READY OURSELVES FOR THE 1997 ROYAL RUMBLE WHICH DEFINITELY HAS TO BE BETTER THAN THE LAST TWO DOESN'T IT I MEAN COME ON one's thoughts turn to what Derrida called "archive fever" because this is thousands of words at this point man and there are still an awful lot of Royal Rumbles to go although holy cow this is the tenth one! And we all knew the mid-90s were going to be the toughest slog here so this is a KBO situation basically.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We are inside the spacious Alamo Dome in San Antonio Texas and so much has happened since last year, so very much: Shawn Michaels has defeated Bret Hart in a pretty rad match at Wrestlemania XII and as such "consummated a boyhood dream" however at the recent Survivor Series event PSYCHO SID got the best of him and also caused mentor Jose Lothario's heart to explode and so that is the day the Boy Toy grew up, we are told. And so Shawn Michaels will attempt to regain his title in front of his hometown crowd. OK! On commentary we have V. McMahon, J. Lawler, and not yet "good ol'" but nevertheless J.R. The Spanish guys are here as usual and this time around we've got Raymond Rougeau and Jacques Sr. there for the French-language broadcast which I don't think they really stuck with for long.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our opening contest is between the arrogant Hunter Hearst Helmsley who is the Intercontinental Champion at this point and so presumably no longer in the doghouse for what I believe our dear friend Puddintaine previously referred to as "unrepentant bro-hugging" or something to that effect AND HIS OPPONENT Goldust who has revealed to not in fact be queer (I use that word in the enlightened and progressive sense) but instead merely misunderstood and he has not taken kindly to Helmsley's recent attempts to add Marlena to his stable of lovely consorts, of which Curtis Hughes is apparently one. Oh man is this the one where Chyna debuts and rag dolls Marlena? I kind of hope so. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alas, it is not. That must have happened on Raw or something. Anyway this match is OK but only OK, a *wild brawl* on the outside for the most part and lots of shenanigans and belt shots and things like that and in the end a Pedigree. At one point Helmsley forcibly smooched Marlena which is not acceptable. Also it would appear that the guy with the long dark hair and the dark glasses who is always in the front row for the big shows on the east coast made the trip. Hey there's his weird little buddy, too! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Prerecorded comments from Bret Hart and Mankind are pretty solid but diverge wildly in tone, as you might expect. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">WE ARE THE NATION LIVE AND IN COLOUR YEEEEAHHH and one wonders if Jacques Sr. and Raymond Rougeau at ringside reflect on the position of the Quebecois as "The White Niggers of America" in Pierre Vallieres' term and if they are inspired by this display of back nationalism and if you don't know anything about that whole situation in Quebec in those years it is pretty interesting and worth looking into. Ahmed Johnson is now fully recovered from a ferocious side kicking and is ready to take on Black Power Farooq here at the ROOOOYAL Rumble. lol Jim Ross is like "they're gonna go to the STREETS they're gonna take it to THE STREETS" and I guess they do eventually as in the end everybody hits the ring and it's a DQ and as I wonder if either JC Ice and Wolfie D are on soundcloud Ahmed Johnson sends a guy in a suit and black-power bow-tie off the steps and through the French announce table with a Pearl River Plunge and yeah man "White Niggers of America" what did I tell you now they don't even have a place to sit and speak the language that is their birthright. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Pretty good crowd on hand! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Prerecorded comments from TERRY FUNK WHO IS TEXAS BRED AND TEXAS FED AND BORN TO RUUUUUUUMBLE and in the backstage area Ahmed Johnson is denounced as an Uncle Tom by Ron Simmons and if there is one thing the World Wrestling Federation knows how to handle it is angles involving race. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Next up we have Vader and the Undertaker and I see no reason to think this won't be at least OK. The wind sounds in the Undertaker's theme are like way way way higher in the mix than I have ever heard and I am wondering what the deal is with that exactly. Jim Ross brings up the excellent point that as unbeatable as the Undertaker has been at Wrestlemania, he tends to get his ass kicked a little at the Royal Rumble so we'll see if that trend is going to continue here tonight or what. I should point out to you that all of these dudes in the preliminary matches are nevertheless scheduled to appear in tonight's Royal Rumble match in case you were wondering why they are burning the Undertaker and the man who some have been known to call Vader in the undercard. So far, I have no problem with this match: some solid clubberin from Vader, which Undertaker responds to by sitting up and looking at him. They are inside and then outside and then inside again. The Undertaker does his rope walking thing but Vader who has scouted that maneuver well shakes the ropes and it does not end in success for "The Dead Man." Todd Pettingill is in the crowd conducting truly horrible interviews with the likes of country star (I gather) Colin Raye and then a young lady who saves her babysitting money and follows Shawn Michaels everywhere BUT NO TIME FOR THAT NOW AVALANCHE IN THE CORNER YEEEEEAAAAAAH CLOTHESLINE AND ANOTHER ONE FROM THE SECOND TURNBUCKLE VADER YEEEEAAAAAAHHH. The first thing to come to mind for me on the subject of Vader is how Bret Hart wrote that Vader didn't seem to have the most hygienic habits with regards to his ring gear and often when you wrestled him you would come away with a rash lol you have got to stay on top of that situation Vader come on.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Undertaker turns another second-turnbuckle clothesline attempt from Vader into a powerslam which is pretty cool but only moments later IT IS A POWERBOMB but the Undertaker kicks out of it and it is no big deal. He tries that rope walking business again and strangely Vader doesn't no how to deal with it this time around. Here comes Paul Bearer and oh yeah I remember this; it is really stupid. Chokeslam from the Undertaker, who then does that cool back roll over the ropes that he does to go outside and he is clearly displeased with Paul Bearer and tosses him into the ring. Vader is back in now so shenanigans must temporarily cease. Aaaaand they're back outside. That sure happens a lot now (by "now" I mean "then"), brawling on the outside in most every match, and it is evidence of the pernicious influence of Exteme Championship Wrestling in my view. URN SHOT URN SHOT URN SHOT as Paul Bearer comes off the apron to the outside and now it is a VADERBOMB and now Vader and Paul Bearer are shown to be buddies. Again, this is stupid. The Undertaker is up now and he is like "WHA HAPPINT?" and he chokeslams the referee for dereliction of duty and he then feebly strikes the ring post with a chair to further demonstrate his dissatisfaction with the shoddy state of affairs in the World Wrestling Federation. And yeah it is in fact totally like Jim Ross said: the Undertaker does indeed tend to get his shit pushed in at the Royal Rumble. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Who else has prerecorded comments for us? "STONE COLD" STEVE AUSTIN for one and he talks about how he is NOT going to talk about anything until he tosses twenty-nine pieces of trash over the top rope and advances to Wrestlemania to face the champ! Also we get the British Bulldog who is going to win tonight's Royal Rumble BECAUSE HE IS BIZARRE lol I had totally forgotten about that and also about his head-to-toe denim look accented by a fanny pack as he wheels his luggage from the rental car to the Locker Room Area. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">SIX MAN TAG! SIX MAN TAG! We've got Fuerza Guerrera, Heavy Metal, and Jerry Estrada against Perro Aguayo, Canek, and Hector Garza! I really liked getting CMLL on the Fight Network when I had cable but I cancelled it almost a year ago! Oh OK these guys are from "AAA" but whatever. One of the dude is like VIVA MEXICO and like three people in the audience are like *viva mexico.* The referee is a rad old dude with his black shirt largely unbuttoned and a lavender headband and a ponytail. Heavy Metal yells HEAVY METAL LOVES USA and like three people go *heeeeey.* This is pretty good lucha libre flippery I guess but by this time WCW was giving us tons of this kind of thing weren't they? You totally feel the presence of the MONDAY NIGHT WARS on this one btw with the occasional NWO or Flair signs making it on camera. Vince doesn't know which guy is which and Jim Ross has to correct him and Vince is like "err aahh ok" and you really do need a Mike Tenay type or something here don't you. Anyway this is falling pretty flat: the announcers don't know what to do with it and the crowd is completely indifferent so I guess this is just an idea that missed the mark. You can see why they would try this in San Antonio I guess but it is like dudes are flying all over the place and there was just a corkscrew dive from the top turnbuckle to the floor and the crowd was like *whatevs.* The crowd didn't care about that, nor do they care that they are 60,477 in heavily papered number (I remember Dave Meltzer saying one time!). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">AND IT IS NOW TIME FOR THE ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH ITSELF and this is going to be a ninety-second one which is not ideal but not necessarily ruinous. At number one we have Black Power Crush which never made much sense and at number two we've got Ahmed Johnson and this should be WHITE HOT given the events of earlier this evening but they are not in fact white hot. Number three is the Rick Bogner BIG TITAN version of Razor Ramon which fifteen years later I still don't know what the idea was there exactly. Johnson tosses him almost immediately and lol we are told that there are problems with the clock which is like well fuck me why even have a Royal Rumble if you can't count down and go ERRRRRRRRR? Ahmed Johnson spots Farooq who maybe was supposed to enter but it is hard to say because the clock isn't there and anyway Johnson jumps over the top rope to chase him so his night is done so far as legitimate Royal Rumble action is concerned. So it's just Crush out there as Phineas Godwin is led to the ring by Hillbilly Jim so that's good for Hillbilly Jim I guess and then *GLASS BREAK* DUN DUN DA DUN "STOVE COLD" STEVE AUSTIN strides to the ring and guys this just in Steve Austin is fuckin bad ass but he has the boots put too him pretty good by Godwin for a minute there but right after Godwin tosses Crush he is met by a STONE COLD STUNNER and then Austin jaws at him on the ground in the most thrilling way ever and you all remember exactly what I'm talking about and then he throws him out in a violent and excellent way. Here comes Bart Gunn and would it be too much to ask for another kick-wham-stunner situation? That is probably a little greedy of me but Gunn is clotheslined over the top in short order and lol Austin is doing pushups and now he's sitting in the corner looking at his watch which is in fact his wrist tape and lol THERE we go there's the clock and it's awesome to have tens of thousands of people count down to the next guy isn't it? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here comes Jake "The Snake" Roberts who Jim Ross tells us is entering his record sixth Royal Rumble but I would have to double check that because that doesn't sound right. I mean wasn't Martel in that many? Anyway Roberts has his moments in there with his King of the Ring 1996 rival but he gets tossed just as the Bulldog enters the ring and now he is into full-on tights mode. It was like, braids and pants, short hair and tights, as I recalled, so you can understand my surprised I trust when a couple rumbles ago the Bulldog showed up with the goony braids and shorts rather than pants but that's all been sorted out now. The next guy in is a luchador named Pierroth who I know nothing about at all I am sorry. I've got to tell you I'm not loving this ninety-second thing but it is not crippling. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Next in we have The Sultan who is Fatu/RIKISHI accompanied by the Iron Shiek. The Bulldog has Austin in trouble but don't worry he is sticking in there. MIL MASCARAS! Finally it is a lucha guy who the people here are into and in fact they are SERIOUSLY into him as he lays into the Sultan for a minute. In the other corner, Pierroth is up around the turnbuckle and Austin is holding onto to him but is himself being held up in the air by the Bulldog and it is delightful actually. Intercontinental Champion Helmsley is in now and he actually had a much better build before he went for all the size imo but what do I know. The Sultan is out and it was the Bulldog who got him I think. Here comes Owen Hart *avec* Slammy! Owen and Austin go right at it and yeah we are but a few short months away from the whole sit-out tombstone piledriver situation aren't we. Austin and the Bulldog are tied up along the ropes and Owen races over to try to eliminate Austin but OH NOES he has eliminated his tag team championship partner the British Bulldog! He claims it was an accident and though in general he is not to be trusted I believe him here . . . oh wait the replay suggests OTHERWISE.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Goldust is the next one in and for whatever reason like four dudes are trying to eliminate him. CYBERNETICO! He goes right for Mil Mascaras! Mil Mascaras is probably in great shape for whatever age he is but up close he looks pretty fuckin old. Here comes Marc Mero with the future Mrs. Lesnar and Mascaras is on a rampage man first it is Cybernetico and then it is Pierroth and now he is up top and he dives to the floor atop Pierroth! A mental mistake on the part of the veteran and the crowd is sorry to see him go. Goldust eliminates Helmsley with a clothesline and Owen Hart makes the crowd go OOOOOOHHHHH with an enziguri on Austin. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here comes the Latin Lover and at this point I think it is fair to say that having all these AAA guys in here was a mistake. If the idea was that these guys would be super popular in the building and that would make for a super exciting atmosphere and as such super excitement for all concerned, that has not materialized. But on the other hand give me randoms from promotions I don't watch over dumb mid-90s midcard gimmick guys any day, you know? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Owen Hart is having a pretty good night: there goes Goldust. Here comes Farooq now, actually, so what was the deal with him coming out for a second earlier? He's number eighteen so we're really getting there aaaaaand there goes the Latin Lover and just when it looks like Steve Austin and Ron Simmons are about to do some stuff that might be cool Ahmed Johnson comes bombing in with some pretty serious lumber and he drives Farooq up and over the top rope. Owen Hart and Mero get dumped out over the corner by Austin who is alone in the ring for a moment before Savio Vega enters and you might well recall that these two had a heated feud that culminated in a strap match on pay per view thank you Jim Ross I had forgotten! Vega takes it to Austin for maybe a minute but then a clothesline puts him out and while he is now feigning complete exhaustion he is also beckoning whoever might be next and it is pretty cool. lol it is JESSE JAMES THE REAL "DOUBLE J" AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THIS GUY SUCKS BUT DON'T WORRY BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Austin is alone in the ring again and he first raises his arms toward the crowd but then switches it up to a A-FUCK A-YOU arm motion and then he chills for a second and then he has that awesome worried reaction when the Hitman's music hits but he gets passed that pretty quickly and instead is like BRING IT ON and fuck yeah this is what we are here for is it not as we think about how the Survivor Series 1996 was actually even better than the 1997 Wrestlemania match that was also extremely awesome! You know what, Steve Austin alone in the ring as Bret Hart walks down the aisle is one of the best things that has ever happened in the Royal Rumble ever ever EVER. Man another thirty seconds of these two in the ring together would be vastly preferable to this ninety seconds and SHARPSHOOTER SHARPSHOOTER however Hart breaks the hold as Jerry Lawler leaves his ringside announce position to enter the ring and be immediately clotheslined out by the Hitman in what is actually a totally good comedy spot. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hart continues to work Austin over as the next competitor is upon us already and it is Fake Diesel DDS in I guess his second Royal Rumble and I think I remember most everything that happens from this point on pretty vividly. Given the demographics of CKC I would suppose that we are now entering the period of wrestling where probably all of us were waaaay into this stuff or maybe I am just projecting because in 1997 man I could not get enough of this professional wrestling let me tell you. Anyway this is going to be great. Here comes Terry Funk with some pretty sick vertically striped leggings beneath his black trunks. Ahahaha Bret just saved Terry Funk from elimination at the hands of Austin and then Funk was like FUCK YOU BRET HART SHITTY PILEDRIVER FOR YOU RIGHT NOW and here is ROCKY MAIVIA and he goes after Austin and his hair is already way better than it was even a few short months ago at Survivor Series although there is still a lot of room for improvement there too. lol the King is like I CAN'T WAIT TO GET IN THERE and they are like dude you already were and it's actually pretty funny even though I have very little time for Lawler as I have already mentioned. Terry Funk teases elimination like he was Shawn Michaels + Ric Flair x 1000000000. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mankind is in next and he goes after Funk while Austin and Bret are doing cool stuff in one corner (a nice suplex from Austin) and Fake Diesel is working on the Rock in the other corner. Sleeper from the Hitman but a jawjacker of a counter from Austin. OH FLASH YOU ARE SOOOOO FUNKAAAYYY and also the forerunner to Brodus Clay. FUCKING AWESOME jumping piledriver on Austin by the Hitman and a cool as hell leg drop as Jim Ross notes that Terry Funk and Flash Funk are no relation. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Three dudes left to enter and the first of those three is VADER who is a Rocky Mountain Monster! Vader is going after Hart and has already given him a rash. Mankind is just sitting in the corner rocking softly. Vader throws Austin into the ropes and hits him sooo hard. Henry Godwin comes in and levels Vader which kind of kills the buzz a little actually. That means the Undertaker is our last man in and the lights drop for a moment which is kind of cool and this is it everybody's in and we are looking at Rocky, Vader, Fake Diesel, Vader, Undertaker, Flash and Terry Funk, Bret Hart, Austin, and Mankind. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Undertaker with the chokeslam on Austin, then Vader. A right hand to his future BROTHER OF DESTRUCTION or whatever. AAAAAAAHAHAHAHA Vader just like fall-away slammed Flash Funk over the top in a totally underrated Royal Rumble elimination. Austin has been in for forty minutes AND OOOOH Rocky almost gets Bret Hart but he does not and I will remind you that the Rock has always had very good things to say about Bret Hart because of how much he supported him in the early going whilst certain others were like "come on vince this guy is a dud with awful hair." Yikes Henry Godwin hit the Undertaker from behind in a way that sounded like it really fuckin hurt and I wonder if it did because a moment or two later the Undertaker puts him out with a pretty nasty looking two-handed choke pickup. Or perhaps I have just been "worked" or even "trimmed" in my capacity as a mark? Mankind catches Rocky in a Mandible Claw as the Rock comes off the top and he's out and then Foley suplexes Terry Funk out of the ring BUT OH MY the Undertaker puts Foley out with a big boot and so Funk and Folety mix it up on the outside as is their hardcore wont. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BRET HART HAS ELIMINATED AUSTIN to a pretty big reaction and holy shit did he spit on him too? that's awesome but the referees were too involved with Funk and Foley to see it and Austin sneaks back into the ring and eliminates Vader and the Undertaker and Hart (who had knocked fake Diesel out a moment before) and STEVE AUSTIN IS YOUR WINNER AND BRET HART IS IRATE AND BERATING THE REFEREES AND THIS IS AWESOME LADIES IN GENTLEMEN THIS IS HOW YOU RUMBLE THIS IS HOW YOU ROOOOOYYYYYAAAALLLL RUMBLE! Bret Hart flipping out at the referees and Vince here is pretty close to his best work. Austin's music continues to play but he cut out of there pretty much immediately. This is so fucking good man this is it this is fucking *IT*. Basically the gold standard for professional wrestling for my money is Bret Hart and Steve Austin wrestling each other or talking about wrestling each other man it LITERALLY gets no better as far as I am concerned I fucking LOVE THIS AND IT IS UNLIKELY I WILL EVER SETTLE DOWN but I have got to at least try </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK so the World Wrestling Federation Championship match that follows is totally serviceable and good but not really much more than that perhaps owing to the fact that they are saying that Shawn Michaels is suffering from the flu (or perhaps the "flu like symptoms" that haunt baseball players seen at the Brass Rail or other establishments like it the night before a day game? who can say) and when they do a little interview segment with him lol it looks pretty legit and he looks like complete shit as he comes out to the ring to a hero's welcome ALTHOUGH he finally has that nightmare of a hairstyle under control and it only took him like six years so a job well done really. World Wrestling Federation Champion PSYCHO SID who won that title by hitting everybody with TV cameras after the Madison Square Garden crowd pretty decisively turned on Shawn Michaels iirc enters the ring and stands beneath flaming letters that spell SID which is dope. I had totally forgotten how he would fist bump people as he came to the ring yelling WHO'S THE MAN. For whatever reason when I think back to this true golden age of wrestling awesomeness I completely forget about Sid and I really need to correct that. The match itself is I guess not quite as good as say the fine-but-not-great Bret Hart vs. The Undertaker from the year before, which is totally understandable if Shawn Michaels has SHOOT INFLUENZA and Sid at his best isn't as good as the Undertaker so there you go but it definitely has the better finish, a finish of a kind we would all come to know very well in this period: after HBK survives a Sid powerbomb on the floor (he put him down so gingerly though that it would have been better to do a regular power bomb in the ring imo), we get a "ref bump" and a chokeslam from Sid and he gets the "visual" pinfall but there is nobody to count it UNTIL THERE IS but Michael's kicks out of the second referee's count. With that second referee down (they are wearing striped shirts by now btw which is a big step in the right direction) Michael's exacts a measure of RIGHTEOUS CAMERA STRIKE VENGEANCE but Sid kick's out of a groggy Hebner count at the last instant but THE BAND IS TUNING UP and it is sweet chin music for the pinfall and your NEW WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION CHAMPION IS THE HEART BREAK KID SHAWN MICHAELS and this was a totally OK match with an exciting finish but what could compare to the end of that Royal Rumble match? ALMOST NOTHING EVER and so that is what I am left thinking about as the lights go dark in San Antonio and man there was that awesome FINAL FOUR match a month later wasn't there and then Bret/Austin at WM13 and then the whole summer with the Undertaker and the HBK stuff and then by Survivor Series it was all over . . . </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Actually this is for me a natural spot to look back a little bit because this is my favourite wrestler Bret Hart's last Royal Rumble so let's take a look at things he had to say about some of the Royal Rumbles in which he was involved, shall we? Let me say for those of you who do not have it that "Hitman: My Real Life in the Cartoon World of Wrestling" has a better index than any popular press or academic book I can think of; it is EXHAUSTIVE. Here we go:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ROYAL RUMBLE 1988: Bret Hart came out first, as you know, and he says he went as hard as he could for the thirty-six minutes he was out there thinking that he could impress Vince enough to get a decent spot on the card at Wrestlemania IV but he ended up in the thirty-man battle royal (though the Bret Hart/Bad News stuff was pretty cool).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ROYAL RUMBLE 1991: "The Royal Rumble did nothing for me, Jim or Davey Boy."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ROYAL RUMBLE 1992: He hated the angle where he faked a fever and dropped the belt to Rougeau so Piper could win it and drop it back to him at Wrestlemania because it put him off the card for the Royal Rumble and he wanted the payday an awful lot more than he wanted the weekend off. Also Hart thought it was bullshit that Flair brought the WCW belt because it demeaned all the guys Flair had worked with back there. He also thought Flair winning the Rumble and the title made the entire WWF look weak.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ROYAL RUMBLE 1993: The Luger Narcissist thing was a dud in his view because even though Luger was in great shape he looked oddly small in the ring; Shawn Michaels totally carried a "drunk and unkempt" Marty Jannetty to that solid match and Jannetty was fired immediately afterwards; Lawler had a lot of "heat" with wrestlers who had worked for him in Memphis so when he showed up in the WWF a bunch of guys stole his crown and shit in it; Hart liked Backlund a lot because one time in the early 80s in Japan Backlund bought beer for the whole bus and says Flair and Backlund working together brought out the kid in him; he thought Gonzalez was a nice guy but it was painful to watch "poor Undertaker" out there with him; The "Razor Ramon" name was Curt Hennig's idea in case you had ever wondered and Bret was *terrified* of taking his finisher and called everything. After the PPV: "At the hotel, someone pointed out to me that Dave Meltzer was lurking about int he lobby, reluctant to come into the bar. Eventually, my mom introduced me to him. Meltzer was very polite and a bit nervous as I glared at him. I whispered to her afterwards, 'He's no friend of mine, Mom."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ROYAL RUMBLE 1994: Bret and Owen "smartened up" their kids before the big angle between them which is solid parenting imo. On the finish of the Royal Rumble itself, he says that it was totally all Luger: "Lex controlled how we went over, and it was a testament to his skill and professionalism that it came off so well."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ROYAL RUMBLE 1995: On the Diesel match: "Vince was worried that his new superstar could end up a total heel, which would be bad for business. My fans wanted me to get the belt back, and I assured Kevin that the only way to go was to let me be the aggressor, yet keep him strong [. . .]. Afterwards, Kevin shook my hand and thanked me for giving him his first decent match as champion."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ROYAL RUMBLE 1996: lololol "Royal Rumble marked Shawn's first appearance since his face was mashed, and he won for the second straight year in a row, dancing and twirling around the ring and pulling his tights right down past the pubic line. Things like that mad me and a lot of the boys wonder about Shawn." Bret Hurt his knee for real in the Undertaker match and felt like it didn't do anything to build him for WMXII and let me tell you this: I agree with Bret Hart.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ROYAL RUMBLE 1997: ahhh so maybe it wasn't Meltzer who told me the San Antonio Dome was heavily papered but instead Bret Hart, OK. He really like the stuff with Austin but was beginning to feel like maybe they were running out of directions for his own character. "But nobody came close to the terrific job that Shawn did in the main event with Sid, not even me. Afterwards I went to Shawn's dressing room to tell him that I was proud of him. He thanked me, and I thought everything was fine between us." BUT OF COURSE IT WOULD NOT BE until the air was finally cleared on that dvd they put out that you should totally watch. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ALRIGHT when next we speak THE ATTITUDE ERA will be well and truly upon us will it not?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OH YEAH FINALLY here are two videos first the Bulldog then Austin's reaction when Bret comes out:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://youtu.be/7OwM37PNQDs">http://youtu.be/7OwM37PNQDs</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://youtu.be/5KdjRd1T3Ps">http://youtu.be/5KdjRd1T3Ps</a></span>ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-83022127811748698472012-01-31T07:52:00.000-08:002012-01-31T07:52:15.798-08:001996 ROYAL RUMBLE<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">FOR OVER FIFTY YEARS THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION HAS BEEN THE REVOLUTIONARY FORCE IN PRETENDING TO HAVE A FIGHT and right now the young Sunny appears sipping champagne (or perhaps Canada Dry the Champagne of Ginger Ales?) in a bubble bath telling us that viewer indiscretion *tee hee hee* oh whoops she means viewer discretion is advised and man there sure are a lot of lurid stories about Sunny and her unfortunate cuckold of a dead wrestler husband, aren't there? The opening montage takes a pretty PURE SPORTS BUILD tone if I am using that internet term correctly: it is as though it is an NFL Films or HBO Sports kind of thing like CHAMPIONS ARE GUYS WHO DO THE FOLLOWING THINGS instead of THE UNDERTAKER HAS GREEN SMOKE COMING OUT OF HIS EYES which is a new direction of sorts. Mr. Perfect joins Vince McMahon on commentary and we are ready to go!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our first match features "Double J" Jeff Jarrett who at a recent low-cost In Your House pay per view got the best of Ahmed Johnson I guess and tonight he is facing oh OK he is facing Ahmed Johnson here tonight also and remember how awesome his entrance music was? Johnson seemed like the real deal to me in that he was enormous and shiny and seemed pretty good out there but am I right to remember that he was let go because of a reputation for hurting people? As I recall he was only featured in one wrestling video game of note and that is the horrible WWF game that came out for Playstation and N64 right before wrestling games got better than almost any other kind of game which was a genuinely odd thing to have happened. I hope we get to see the Pearl River Plunge! I would describe that technique as a double underhook sit-out power bomb which is probably how the move would be described if you were playing Fire Pro Wrestling but if you designated it as your wrestler's finishing technique you would be free to rename it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This match is OK. In 1996 we've finally reached the point where cool moves are shown on replay almost immediately (to say "instant" replay would be sheer hyperbole) so when Jarrett drives Johnson into the steps on the outside with an "Irish" whip we get to see it again. HOLY SHIT some other things happened that you don't need to worry about but eventually Ahmed Johnson dove out over the top and fell upon a waiting Jarrett on the outside which is something I want to tell you! Is that a plancha or a topé? Are "topé" and "top" cognate? Back on the inside Johnson misses a kind of "senton" or something and Jarrett applies the figure four leglock although it does not yield a submission AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA YEAH JEFF JARRETT COMES OFF THE TOP ROPE WITH A FUCKING GUITAR AND THEN RAISES HIS HANDS AS THE BELL RINGS AS THOUGH HE HAS WON and the referee is like no dude come on you know that's a DQ. lol that was a fantastic match and by far the most Jeff Jarrett has ever shown me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Todd Pettingill has less stupid hair now but an even stupider grin and he asks Diesel what he thinks about tonight's Royal Rumble match and Diesel says he is like a ninth grader whose parents have left him alone for the first time in that he doesn't know what to expect but he thinks he is probably about to have the time of his life and still on the subject of time he says he has looked at his watch and it doesn't look like "Vader Time" to him HOLY SHIT VADER IS HERE NOW GUYS but instead looks like "Big Daddy Cool Time" which is a time that I would rank below both "Vader Time" and "Baller Time." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here are the Bodydonnas and the really incredibly lurid Sunny. Like, even if you did not know all those stories about her and her ways, she is just an incredibly lurid seeming person even by the standards one would generally apply (perhaps unfairly? perhaps but also perhaps not) to people involved in the world of professional wrestling prior to let's say maybe 2003 or something when the ethos of the whole thing seemed to shift away from that of deeply odd people who backed into this weird business and toward something else that will perhaps become easier to describe when we have some distance from it but I guess you might characterize it in a preliminary way by saying for one thing that the modern wrestler seems to be someone whose sensibility was formed by playing the wrestling video games I have described above, or something, and who sipped protein shakes during the load screens, rather than people who you could easily imagine bombing around in a rental car getting high with Jim Duggan or legitimately murdering a girl like Jimmy Snuka. I don't want to do either of the things I have just described so I am not saying any of this to be nostalgic for the past or dismissive of the present because there are aspects of 2011 and 2012 WWE that are *entirely* compelling to me but I am at this point just writing basically and coming no closer to saying what I think I mean other than that the modern world of professional wrestling is obviously less lurid than it was in the past, and that is an observation that is neither novel nor the least controversial so let us simply return to the match at hand: the tag team champion Smoking Gunns are here and I never would have told you the Bodydonnas and Smoking Gunns were having good matches in 1996 but it looks like they totally were. For instance, when it looks like both Boddydonnas are about to slingshot a Gunn into the ring, they are instead both slingshotted out to the floor, and then the other Gunn dives out over the top. It's good stuff! Sunny is parading around on the outside in an effort to distract the rivals of her charges and she is doing a pretty good job of that. Also the lesser Bodydonna just gut-wrench powerbombed Candido onto Billy Gunn. After some carrying on the Gunns hit their totally tight middle-rope legdrop finisher but it is for not as the ref is distracted HOWEVER mere moments later there is a "small package" pinning predicament and yeah the Smoking Gunns have retained their World Wrestling Federation tag team titles so there you go.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We are clearly in the midst of the MONDAY NIGHT WARS HERE as we are treated to a Billionaire Ted sketch where the titular character is like "why can't we get some of these WWF New Generation wrestlers?" and yeah that is a thing that is about to happen almost immediately actually. Because we all enjoy video packages we are treated to one outlining the rivalry between Razor Ramon and his homophobic nightmare Goldust and this is a really awesome angle that has aged extremely well imo. Does Goldust wish to provoke and unnerve Razor Ramon because he covets the champion's Intercontinental title or is he straight up into him, that is to say, "gay for him" in our contemporary idiom? I think this is the debut of Marlena, too, because McMahon and Perfect are like "how odd is that it is an attractive lady with a cigar" but sometimes a cigar is just there to make you think about dicks as Freud once said. Razor Ramon's entrance theme remains pretty much the best, in case you had been wondering, and actually let us not overlook the extent to which Goldust's theme itself owns.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Also as Goldust kind of slinks around the ground and minces out of the corner in a legitimately predatory way whilst his valet sits in a director's chair shot from a low angle while she is sucking on an unlit cigar we are really veering into the so-called "Attitude Era" already here in spirit if not in name which I did not necessarily expect at this the 1996 Royal Rumble. Goldust is rubbing himself all over and looks out at Marlena who is licking her lips. In a legitimately EDGY spot Goldust escapes a waistlock and applies one himself and then straight up gropes Razor Ramon from behind and then lol they bring it up on replay this is awesome. Mr. Perfect speculates that if Razor Ramon loses his Intercontinental Title he will be "The Sad Guy" which is maybe the best joke I have ever heard actually. Vince is like, how would *you* deal with this, Mr. Perfect? and Mr. Perfect is like, "I'm a wrestler, McMahon; I would take him down and wrestle him . . . but maybe that is what he wants . . . ." Razor briefly spanks Goldust who then rubs himself all over and then hides behind Marlena and then there is a bunch of chain wrestling. This match owns. Dustin Runnels is an avant-garde performance artist working in a populist medium and in this respect he is not unlike Gonzo the Great which is not a name and comparison I toss around lightly.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Goldust has some pretty cool offense like an atomic drop pickup that bounces Razor off the top rope into a back drop and also A SLEEPER HOLD which as you perhaps know I favour. Mr. Perfect is tremendous here: IMAGINE IF HE PUTS HIM TO SLEEP MCMAHON HE CAN DO ANYTHING HE WANTS TO HIM MY GOD IMAGINE IT. Razor escapes with a mule kick to the groin that he clever conceals from referee Tim Who Used to Hang Out with Andre who I have just remembered is named TIM WHITE. Have I mentioned that in addition to the as-yet-unnamed Marlena there is also strange bellhop or porter or something who holds Marlena's tiny bag? Marlena manages to distract Tim White longer than any referee has ever been distracted while Razor's turnbuckle backdrop is missed as is the apparently evil 1-2-3 Kid's "spinning thrust kick" (what?) off the top rope and OH MY GOLDUST IS YOUR NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION AND PREDATORY HOMOSEXUALITY HAS TRIUMPHED LADIES AND GENTLEMEN and now Goldust and Marlena extend their tongues and flick them such that the tips briefly touch and this match was outstanding. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now it is time for prerecorded comments from participants in tonight's Royal Rumble match but first it is Dr. Jeffrey Unger, Shawn Michaels', personal physician, who is standing in front of a blackboard that reads: VACCINES TODAY: MMR, HEP A, LARIUM, and who assures us Shawn Michaels is OK but he will be there all the same to be sure; Owen Hart threatens to end Shawn Michaels' career; Christian Jake The Snake In A Shirt is back; Jerry Lawler notes that he is royalty; Barry Horowitz has the biggest ears anyone has ever seen; Jim Cornette and Vader are roughly the same size and it is Vader Time; HBK is all "loopity doo doo daaaaa I am a good guy now baby yeah and my fans are called the kliq for your enjoyment tonight is the night."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">YOUR FIRST ENTRANT IN TONIGHT'S ROYAL RUMBLE IS HUNTER HEARST HELMSLEY who lost a match on the "Free For All" or something? Anyway at this time he prefers harpsichords and finery to Motorhead and spitting. Henry Godwin is number two. There was almost no build up to this, like, there was no AND NOOOOW THE ROYAL RUMBLE WHERE THE STAKES ARE HUGE AND IT IS EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF; instead it was like "ok let's have a rumble now I guess and btw this will be royal." Oh that's right I get it "Henry O. Godwin" as in HOG and iirc correctly there is also Phineas I. Godwin or something and that would be PIG and jesus christ come on. In at number three is presidential candidate Bob Backlund who still holds the record, we are told, for Royal Rumble endurance: 1 h 1m 15 sec. McMahon refers to Godwin almost exclusively as "the hog farmer" and he must have said it like a dozen times already. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here comes Jerry Lawler and he still has the shittiest body and dumb tights and doesn't know any holds and so I do not respect him because I favour athletic scientific wrestling and good tights. Oh for fuck's sake Jerry Lawler brings Godwin's slop bucket into the ring and Godwin takes it from him and McMahon is like "THE HOG FARMER! IN CONTROL OF THE SLOP BUCKET!" and fuck man come on and everybody bails out of the ring stricken by slop terror and eventually Jerry Lawler is slopped and then Bob Holly hits the ring and it is like THE MID-NINETIES MID-CARD LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. And now King Mabel who is years away from Big Daddy V appears.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Christian Jake the Snake in A Shirt is next and he appears to be pretty badly winded from carrying that snake out but is all worth it when he clears the ring with snake except that it is not worth it at all who cares. We're back to the proper two minutes between entrants which is good but so far this Royal Rumble is for shit. That is about to change however because for some reason the next man to walk out through the merest puff of machined smoke is DORY FUNK JR WTF and Mr. Perfect is correct: that is one hell of a ring jacket. Jake attempts a DDT on HHH but it fails. Somebody can be heard just off mic saying "mumble mumble DRINKIN' MY WATER" as a DDT chant begins in earnest. Nobody has been eliminated; Jerry Lawler is hiding underneath the ring; why hasn't Dory Funk Jr defeated everyone.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">YEEEAH IT IS YOKOZUNA who they are currently billing at 568 lbs. If he does not fuck everybody up immediately I will be discouraged. OK, he just got rid of Backlund, so that's a start. Holy shit Yokozuna is big now man. Even for a Samoan. The DDT chant is currently bananas but Jake is awfully slow out there idk. The 1-2-3 Kid is out next and Razor Ramon chases him down to and into the ring but our former Intercontinental Champion is eventually escorted to the back by World Wrestling Federation officials as DORY FUNK WITH THE AIRPLANE SPIN YEEAAAAH.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Who is Japanese wildman Omari? He has a swag ring jacket and cool classic boots and he's pretty excited to be here but I don' t know anything else about him. He goes right for Mabel maybe because of the strange ideas the Japanese have about black people? Jake the Snake really is sad to see out there at this point. Here comes Savio Vega who is now almost entirely Kwang-free.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This match is a turkey so far man a turkey and I am so livered at it right now. Some things happen though: Yokozuna eliminates Mabel, and Omari is out on the other side, and now there is VADER YEAH JUST START POWERBOMBING GUYS DO IT. Savio Vega eliminated Dory Funk and not only is Vader not powerbombing anyone, he has just pulled Vega in from the outside rather than just like pushing him a little for the elimination. Who the shit is Doug Gilbert? I am told he is from the USWA and that he is Eddie Gilbert's little brother. AT LAST there is a DDT and it is Savio Vega who is on the wrong end of it but immediately after Jake hits it Vader clubbers him and he is gone. Vince McMahon sucks at play-by-play, also.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There is an insanely fat dude who they say is from the Squat Team and I think I have seen both him and his tag team partner on an FMW tape I rented from Suspect Video in Toronto (the one by Honest Ed's, not the one on Queen Street that burned down). Vader tosses Gilbert and then the guy who may or may not have been on an FMW tape I rented eight years ago. Yokozuna and Vader pair off in one corner much to the chagrin of James E. Cornette. The next man in is the other Squat Team dude and now both of those guys from that squat team enter the ring and Vader knocks them both out and this match suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Owen Hart's music is awesome and he is in but I can't get excited about it because once again this is such shit right now. Yokozuna and Vader team up to squish Savio Vega for a while and it's the best thing so far which is a not a compliment but an indictment. Shawn Michaels comes dancing out to the ring and idk man it's just like nobody not even McMahon is communicating that the Royal Rumble is worth a damn it's just like "yeah here's the next guy let's just get through this." Yokozuna and Vader eventually run afoul of each other and hey cool Vader's mask is off and Shawn Michaels dumps them both while they are tangled up along the ropes and he also eliminates the 1-2-3 Kid and this crowd is pretty solidly behind the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels let me tell you. HAKUSHI IS NEXT and he had a hell of a match with Bret Hart this one time. Vader has been eliminated as I mentioned a moment ago but in his rage he reenters the ring and throws everybody out including Shawn Michaels right up and over the top in a cool way but we are told immediately that that elimination will not count because Vader is no longer a contestant in the Royal Rumble but as we all know that has never mattered before hmmmmmmmmmm I am beginning to think they are making some of this up as they go along in clear violation of preexisting convention if not written policy. A little later HBK tries to toss Cornette over the top but Cornette kind of fucks it up at first but don't worry he gets out alright in the end.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So who do we have in there now, we've got Tatanka, who is new, along with Owen Hart, Bob Holly, Helmsley, Michaels, Hakushi OH SHIT NOT HAKUSHI ANYMORE, and Jerry Lawler is no doubt still hiding under the ring. We've got Aldo Montoya out now and I am still digging him for whatever reason. The crowd is totally flat because the wrestling match they are watching is largely shit. Michaels pulls Lawler out from under the ring and back in and then eliminates him in a spot that was probably supposed to be funny and enjoyable for all but nobody cared.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">IT IS DIESEL AND HE IS FULL OF DIESEL FUEL LADIES AND GENTLEMEN MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE YOU CAN BE SURE somebody get Vince off the microphone he is giving me cramps. Diesel sends Tatanka over the top and then drops HBK with a right hand despite how they are pals again. It's HBK, HHH, Diesel, Owen Hart, and Bob Holly who are joined by Kama who is a supreme fighting machine and a representative of Ted DiBiase's Million Dollar Corporation. Another representative of that same corporation is next and it is THE RINGMASTER which is Steve Austin with just a little bit of hair and white boots that have a star on them and wooooah there are a ton of unsold seats in this not-exactly-huge venue. Times were tough "at the gate" I guess and it makes sense with shit this shitty shitting all over everything. The Ringmaster just got rid of Bob Holly with a running knee to the back. Barry Horowitz comes out to his notably Judaic entrance music and a rather skinny person dressed up as the Undertaker in the second row dances to it I think ironically. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kama is huge and I don't think I ever properly appreciated that before. Diesel tosses Helmsley out but Helmsley would exact his revenge finally in the fall of 2011 when both men were in very different places both professionally and emotionally. Here comes Fatu who, what is going on, does he have like a positive urban gimmick of some kind now? lol Wikipedia tells me he was known as "Make A Difference" Fatu during this period and in even more shocking news FATU IS RIKISHI WTF HOW DID I NOT KNOW THAT? Isaac Yankem DDS is in next and his theme music is a dentist's drill and he goes right after Diesel who he would later impersonate kind of I guess. Barry Horrowitz is out in case you were wondering about him. Owen Hart is out but they missed it on camera. JEEEEEEEESUS CHRIST STEVE AUSTIN JUST KILLED SHAWN MICHAELS DEAD WITH A CLOTHESLINE AND THEN ASSUMED THE POSITION OF HIS LITTLE POSING ROUTINE AND IT WAS FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE but short lived. Here's Marty Janetty, who I guess has been rehired because I don't think I mentioned this but I was reading in Bret Hart's book that Marty Jannetty got fired immediately after that match he had with Michaels a couple Royal Rumbles ago because apparently he showed up for that match really fucked up and Michaels totally had to carry him to that totally solid match. Anyway here he is and the two aging Rockers renew their rivalry. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The British Bulldog is back in pants this year and is also in at number twenty-nine. Diana Hart is shown in the crowd and she looks quite odd as usual however her look in this instance is marked by a surprising rudeness. Davey drops Jannetty to the outside as Fatu eliminates Austin and McMahon is missing about half of these eliminations and Perfect isn't doing any better. Yankem clotheslines Fatu WHO IS TOTALLY RIKISHI WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME to the outside and ONLY ONE MAN REMAINS TO ENTER AND IT IS DUKE THE DUMPSTER DROSEY WHO CARES AT ALL THAT IS THE DUMBEST. So it's Yankem, Michaels, Bulldog, the Dumpster, Diesel, and Kama. Michaels and the Bulldog take things outside and Owen Hart is back out and puts the boots to HBK. Back inside, HBK puts Glen Jacobs DDS and the Bulldog out just as Diesel gets the best of Kama and turns around into BOOOOOM SUPERKICK AND THAT'S IT LADIES IN GENTLEMEN THE WINNER OF HIS SECOND STRAIGHT ABSOLUTE PIECE OF SHIT ROYAL RUMBLE IS THE HEARTBREAK KID SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWN MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICHAELS YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHH BOYHOOD DREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM AS HE PULLS HIS TIGHTS DOWN TO REVEAL HIS BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH but oh no Diesel is back in the ring and what is going to happen here oh wait ok he is just there to high five his little buddy as HBK resumes his dance and little posing thing and lol the high point of this one was definitely Steve Austin as THE RINGMASTER clotheslining HBK to death and then diminishing him. Not a good Royal Rumble though. Really pretty bad.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">HOWEVER we still have a Bret Hart vs. The Undertaker World Wrestling Federation Championship match to come and so there is every possibility that a Bret Hart title bout will help atone for a poor Royal Rumble match and hmmm it would seem Diesel who is making his way back to the Locker Room Area is getting set to "feud" with The Undertaker. The Undertaker is wearing a pretty cool mask at this point. AND HERE IS THE HITMAN AND YEEEAH HE IS THE BEST LET'S DO THIS as I only remember their match at The Summerslam 1997: "Hart and Soul" for which "Highway to Hell" was the theme music they uncharacteristically chose to license. Bret Hart gives his glasses to a dude in a turtleneck who seems to be afflicted by Down's Syndrome and he is pretty fuckin stoked to get those glasses as well he should be.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK HERE WE GO and Mr. Perfect says that he usually goes with the superior technical wrestler in any given contest but the way the Undertaker simply does not seem to feel pain, he is not so sure. The match begins in a somewhat rough and tumble fashion which plainly will not benefit the champion. Why is the Undertaker grabbing the Hitman's nose from behind in the corner? idk but I like it. After a pretty rad turnbuckle the Undertaker has Hart in THE CLAW for a while. Hey it is that rope walking spot that literally never get old for real.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And we're back to the claw. This is not yet awesome but maybe they are going long. I will attempt to be patient. Bret Hart puts a few things together like a boot to the face and a second-turnbuckle clothesline and a clothesline to the outside and a slingshot dive to the outside also but when Hart tries another attack from the apron he is caught in a bearhug-esque grasp and driven into the ring post HOWEVER the Undertaker soon thereafter finds himself driven into a ring post as well and also the steps so there you go. They stay outside for kind of a long time. The Undertaker took that collision with the steps in kind of a cool way that renders plausible a knee injury and Hart goes to work on the leg with an eye towards, one expects, the eventual application of the Sharpshooter. "Bret Hart is at his best when he is on his scientific game" is Vince McMahon's astute observation. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">FIGURE FOUR LEGLOCK from the champion. This match is OK so far but falls well short of the very high standard of last year's Bret Hart vs. A Huge Guy bout where both Hart and Diesel acquitted themselves tremendously. The Undertaker reverses the hold, Hart makes the ropes, and now both men are favouring a leg, Hart his right, the Undertaker his left. They're back outside and the Undertaker is choking him with some cables and then fires him into the timekeeper's area and attacks him with a chair. Paul Bearer was doing a pretty bad job of distracting the referee throughout. Really, really slow match. When they're back in and Hart is being pretty relentless with the leg, we start to hear significant boos for the Hitman and yeah he is laying into the knee both in and outside of the ring and the crowd is like "HEY STOP" a little. Then when the Undertaker puts Hart down with a clothesline, there's a ton of booing. The crowd is split pretty evenly. Some pretty cool stuff here like a Bret Hart stunner-type-thing over the ropes and then a fairly rad DDT and of course the side Russian leg sweep followed by a running bulldog. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Undertaker, however, sits up, but as he does so the crowd is like BOOOOOOOO but then when Bret hits the backbreaker and half sits up but then doesn't and then takes a second rope elbow drop the crowd is also like BOOOOOO so they don't know how to feel I guess. A Sharpshooter attempt is goozled out of and a double clothesline puts both men on their backs. Bret's up first and he removes both the top turnbuckle pad AND the Undertaker's "facial appliance" and you know where this is headed. And BOOOOOOOOOOOOO. This is a long slow grueling match where the crowd is being played quite expertly I think OH SHIT TOMBSTON PILEDRIVER OUT OF BASICALLY NOWHERE AND OH MY DIESEL ARRIVES AND PULLS HEBNER OUT OF THE RING AND IT IS A DQ. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">AAAAAHAHAHA IT IS THE MIDDLE FINGER FROM DIESEL I thought that was a banned technique or "kinshi waza" in 1996 though I guess things are very much headed in that direction aren't they. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well that was a pretty bad Royal Rumble PPV in the end: awful Rumble; good but by no means great title match with a junk finish redeemed somewhat by an obscene hand gesture; good IC match with Razor and Goldust; good tag team match; and Jeff Jarrett came off the top with a guitar. We close with THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION ROYAL RUMBLE PLUS which is some pretty shitty interviews with Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker and Diesel ("in 1996 it's no longer the World Wrestling Federation it's the DIESEL Wrestling Federation") and an ok one with James E. Conette whilst Vader throws chairs at a locker. </span><br />
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<br /></div>ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9141840345305604560.post-56998570528044161392012-01-31T07:50:00.001-08:002012-01-31T11:59:01.523-08:001995 ROYAL RUMBLE<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">THE 1995 ROYAL RUMBLE begins with a white stretch limo dropping off a Pamela Anderson so fresh-faced and lovely that it just makes you sad for all that is about to happen to in her unenviable life of abuse and hepatitis and Kid Rock. We are in sunny Florida! At the Sun Dome in Tampa! Welcome to the campus of the University of South Florida which I have never heard of! Vince McMahon is joined by Jerry "The King" Lawler and the Spanish broadcast team is there for the first time and we're ready to go!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">First off we've got "Double J" Jeff Jarrett accompanied to the ring by the Road Dogg whose shit got old reeeeeaaaaaaal fast just about as soon as it got going didn't it facing off against Intercontinental Champion Razor Ramon and I feel that I can totally guarantee one of those OMG MY KNEE fakeouts on the Razor's Edge because as I have mentioned previously I saw these two wrestle at the glorious Halifax Forum and they did it there and also I have a lot of insider knowledge about the way professional wrestling contests are constructed. Vince tells us that Double J had problems last week with Bret Hart on Monday Night Raw which sounds pretty standard I guess but then we are also told that The Roadie had a run in with William Shatner? I am intrigued.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Seconds into the bout we see Razor's trademark fall-away slam and then a chokeslam of sorts even so things are not looking great for the challenger thus far. Jarrett sneaks down low for a pretty shitty arm drag which leads to a pretty shitty strut and he's just shitty man he's just shitty. I like how The Roadie gets all low on the outside as though he is truly a roadie or tech of some kind trying to stay out of sight at a concert but so far that is the best thing going on here and let me tell you that I don't blame Scott Hall for that. lol Razor clotheslines Jarrett over the top and I am so much in the mindset of Royal Rumbles here that my first response is OH SHIT JARRETT HAS BEEN ELIMINATED which is obviously not the case.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yeah so they carry on for a while and then Razor takes a spill over the top and appears to have injured his knee and then The Roadie clips him in the knee and I am thinking AH HA we ARE going to see that spot I remember! but Ramon is counted out and that's it UNLESS IT ISN'T! Jarrett says he doesn't want to win by countout and he calls Ramon a coward and whatnot and so they restart the match even though referee Tim Who Was Andre the Giant's Little Buddy at first resists this idea. Lawler suggests that Razor Ramon might have more machismo than brains which is not a bad point at all.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OH NO IT A THE WOBBLY-KNEED RAZOR'S EDGE CALAMITY FOLLOWED BY A ROLL-UP AND WE'VE GOT A NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION in what was objectively not a bad match but which was not all that thrilling either.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Todd Pettingill is backstage with Pamela Anderson and he is utterly without dignity. Double J has joined a lady by the name of Stephanie Wyant or something I believe they said and I have no memory of her ever having been part of any of this but clearly my memory is faulty in this regard.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Next up is IRS vs. the Undertaker and Vince tells us that the druids have caused a great deal of trouble as of late and have been banned from ringside by World Wrestling Federation President Jack Tunney and the story lines really were especially shitty at this time were they not? Also I never liked the Undertaker's purple gloves but I guess that is part of how we were to distinguish him from Ted DiBiase's impostor Undertaker, right? Right. Anyway after a ton of bullshit and in fact a number of druids at ringside despite the prohibition against them it's a chokeslam in the end and that's that. HOLY COW THOUGH IT IS KING KONG BUNDY! IT WAS ALL WORTH IT! BUNDY IS THE BEST and I am reminded that he was only like twenty-five or something at Wrestlemania 2. IRS is making off with the urn but never mind that nonsense because KING KONG BUNDY JUST LAID OUT THE UNDERTAKER ok that was awesome.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Todd Pettingill is backstage with Diesel who he calls "Deeze" but Kevin Nash is all business and not in the mood to carry on with Todd Pettingill. Bret Hart is wearing a Calgary Hitmen WHL hockey t-shirt whilst a Calgary Hitmen jersey hangs in the locker behind him and he gives a really good interview about how hey he likes Diesel and everything but this is BUSINESS and it is effective in communicating both the Hitman's seriousness tonight and also how nobody likes Todd Pettingill. Since losing his bout against Diesel at The Survivor Series, Hart has thought of nothing but regaining his title and what I am wondering is whether or not that was the match where Diesel put Bret through the table or is this the one? Because I THINK it was the Survivor Series match but I HOPE it is this one because that was genuinely shocking when it happened. That is not a thing that happened on the reg in the World Wrestling Federation circa 1994/1995. Anyway this Bret Hart/Diesel title confrontation is like a PURE SPORTS BUILD oasis after all the horseshit with the fucking urn again. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yeah so the eighteen-wheeler coming hard at the camera and then the glass shattering as Diesel walks out from behind it is one of the better entrances they have ever done to this point without question. Lawrence Taylor is at the ringside area and is years away from having sex with an underage prostitute who is there completely against her will and at this point has probably only been moderately disgraced with crack cocaine kind of stuff and Diesel gives him a manly shake/bro-hug combination which will probably be the only time he strings two moves together all match j/k I like Kevin Nash and his matches with Bret Hart were his best work imo so I'm actually really really excited to see this one. Diesel extends his closed fist and Hart smacks it with his and we are READY TO GO YEAAAAH!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After an initial waistlock and a rope break these two top-tier competitors elect to slug it out! This of course favours the champion who clotheslines Hart over the top rope and out. Not a sound strategy, Bret, come on now. AH HA but now Hart drags Diesel to the mat and wraps his leg around the ring post from the outside and once again one yearns for a ring post figure-four leg lock but alas the year is 1995 not 1997 so we are all just going to have to wait. "The Hitman continues to work over the champion's leg and this certainly seems like a much better strategic direction and HEY IT IS A FIGURE-FOUR LEGLOCK IN THE CENTRE OF THE RING and something I have always enjoyed is when the referee begins the count on a dude who is in a figure four because it is like the figure four has him in so much pain that he has forgotten that in a professional wrestling bout one must keep one's shoulders off the mat at all costs at all times but this figure-four leglock man it is just too much I cannot even BEAR it, you know? Diesel makes the ropes which is not tricky given his stature but Hart goes right back to the figure four which is awesome to do.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Also awesome: Diesel makes it to the rope again but Bret Hart mimes as though he can't make out what treacherous referee Earl Hebner is instructing him to do although it is clear to all that he is being instructed to break the hold and then once he acknowledges that he understands he takes the full count of five before breaking the hold. With Diesel on the outside, Hart dives between the middle and top ropes to the floor and then it is like Irish whip into the stairs and stuff like that. Diesel gets the best of things on the outside but McMahon and Lawler talk about this is a side of Bret Hart Diesel probably did not expect to see but let me tell you that I for one think it is rad that we are seeing it because this match owns.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Diesel gets some of his signature moves in like the side slam and jumping on a dude when he is draped atop the middle rope and those kinds of things. Bret takes a couple of pretty sick turnbuckles and then he is hoisted into a kind of idk torture rack kind of thing but not really; he's just up on top of Diesel's right shoulder but he counters into a sleeper attempt but is dumped to the ground and then flung into the ropes and BIG BOOTED and standing elbow dropped and covered for two.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">THE TIDE HAS TURNED with a second turnbuckle clothesline from the challenger but when he goes all the way up top it looks as though Diesel is going to just grab him and press him overhead but Hart slips down into a cover. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ahahaha wtf Bret is on the outside and he drags Diesel to the corner again but this time he has tied the champion's feet together with tape from his wrists! Hebner has to break him lose while Hart puts the boots to him in the corner. This is terrific. Side Russian legsweep for twoooooooo. Backbreacker and a second turnbuckle elbow for one of those twos that is so close that one might well call it a 2.9 and we've got Diesel on the outside and Hart flings himself over the top but he is CAUGHT and slammed into the ring post!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Back in the ring Diesel signals for the JACKKNIFE POWER BOMB and yep there it is and that is a one and a two but not a three as SHAWN MICHAELS HAS HIT THE RING WTF IS GOING ON HERE I DON'T EVEN GET IT WHY IS THIS NOT A DQ I mean there has certainly been a measure of leniency shown here for both competitors given the reputations of both men and the stakes in this particular matchup but surely this is beyond the pale! However we are informed that this match must continue despite HBK's disruption of a pinning predicament and subsequent assault on the champion's already injured leg. This is a surprising amount of latitude here and we are offered no plausible explanation for it all however you will no doubt join me in wanting to see this contest settled *in the ring.*</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For the third time, Bret Hart applies the figure-four leglock in the centre of the ring and McMahon and Lawler speculate that maybe Hart thinks Diesel's legs are too long to apply the Sharpshooter! But while Hart is working over Diesel's injured leg Diesel starts in with body shots on Hart's likely injured rips from that ring post business on the outside. THIS IS AN EXCELLENT PRETEND FIGHT and I am completely into it. Diesel works over the Hitman's ribs in the corner and now there is a gut wrench suplex and my understanding is that type of maneuver can sometimes wrench the very guts themselves! Diesel runs at Hart in the corner with a big boot but Hart moves and ducks outside and positions Diesel's leg up against the post and nails him with a steel chair this is nuts man WHY ARE THEY LETTING THIS GO ON and then it is SHARPSHOOTER TIME in the centre of the ring and Diesel looks well and truly fucked here but IT IS OWEN HART who comes in and breaks it up much as Shawn Michaels did before and Owen takes the padding off the top turnbuckle and drives Bret into it and I remind you his ribs man his ribs THIS IS AN AWESOME MATCH that referee Earl Hebner has ruled simply must continue to a definitive conclusion and I am not about to tell him he is wrong about that.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Diesel on one leg inches across the ring for the cover and Bret sneaks a shoulder out at the last second and Harpo was right the other day when he talked about Nick Patrick's shitty counting mechanics and what reminds me of this is how Hebner's are *awesome.* Hart puts Diesel face first into the unprotected turnbuckle and Diesel does some pretty good staggering around the ring while Bret goes for the KO but he can't quite finish the champ off. A moment later Bret is hanging out of the ring from the middle rope as Diesel grabs a chair and was fixing to nail him with it one assumes but Bret rolls back in and Diesel is like aw fuck it and throws the chair away and then back in the ring Bret feigns a serious leg injury and when Diesel draws near Hart goes for the small package but it is not enough and then after a bit of a scramble we've got a ref bump and wtf is going to happen now if all of this crazy shit has gone on in plain sight of the officials? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">lol ok Shawn Michaels and Owen Hart and Bob Backlund and Jeff Jarrett and the Roadie ALL hit the ring and go to work on both dudes as the ring fills with World Wrestling Federation Officials and the bell rings and I guess we're going to get a double DQ in the end here because this is fucking nuts man AAAAAAHAHAHA YEAH they are calling it a draw due to "the referee's inability to control the match" and now Backlund is back in and applies the crossface chickenwing while everybody else piles on Diesel. Diesel stomps Backlund off of Hart and with the two men alone in the ring now I am seriously interested to see what happens here. Owen and HBK are doing awesome jobs of looking seriously enraged during all of this by the way. Anyway there is an ovation as Diesel helps Bret to his feet and Bret at first kind of pulls his arm away like "hey fuck off that hurts" but eventually the two shake hands and embrace and sure why not this match owned they *should* be all like "hey good scrap bro" and that is the way they appear to be ending it. Of all the matches I have ever seen that end with a complete fucking debacle at the end this has totally got to be the best one. OUTSTANDING SHIT HERE TONIGHT LADIES IN GENTLEMEN IN THIS WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP BOUT. This sounds crazy to say but I am so amped up by and about this match that I am kind of not even caring about whether or not the Royal Rumble match itself will be any good.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Todd Pettingill is backstage with his unthinkable hair and stupid earring and is again made uncomfortable by the sexual power of relatively untainted Pamela Anderson. He throws it over to Stephanie who is with the artist formerly known as Sparky Plugg along with the 1-2-3 Kid and Bob Holly is like "just like the San Diego Chargers are going to get their chance at the Super Bowl, we're going to get our chance here tonight" and lol yeah I bet it's going to be quite a bit like that actually. Their opponents: Bam Bam Bigelow and Native American Tatanka who are accompanied to the ring by "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase and his awesome music and apparently this is the final match in a tag team title tournament and I have no memory of that but the tag team division was in such disarray at this point that whatever man. I believe Bob Holly would later develop a reputation for being "stiff" with noobs which makes him a tough and cool guy to dudes on the internet who get off on the idea of deliberately hurting people who don't expect you to hurt them because to these internet dudes liking a guy like that and identifying with him is as close as they will ever come to exercising anything resembling power or even the merest hint of control over any aspect of their directionless awful lives marred by poor credit scores and scuffed shoes and other things like that also.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This match is pretty good when 1-2-3 Kid is in the ring with Bigelow and actually it stays pretty good when THE KID BROTHER ERR AHHH THAT IS TO SAY THE SYXXX KID EXCUSE ME is in there with Tatanka, too, leading me to believe that the 1-2-3 Kid is just pretty good at this generally. McMahon refers to Bob Holly as a "two-sport superstar" which is probably not *exactly* true. This match is OK but unless windows media player is deliberately misleading me we are kind of running out of time here and although a few moments ago I told you that I was so into the Bret Hart vs. Diesel match that I wasn't even all the concerned about the Royal Rumble match itself, that ecstatic state (forgive my redundancy) has subsided enough that now I'm worried that this is going to be an every-ninety-seconds affair OR WORSE if they don't get on with it already. A grinning Ted DiBiase at ringside has actually totally started to look like Tiger Chun Lee already as somebody pointed out in a shoot interview described in Jeremy's thread. JESUS CHRIST WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THESE DOUBLE COUNT SITUATIONS RIGHT NOW WE HAVE A ROYAL RUMBLE TO GET TO COME ON ok "hot" tag this should be almost it with the 1-2-3 Kid flying around all over the place and now Bam Bam tossing him clear onto the floor and then OH NO Bam Bam was about to go for a moonsault but Tatanka went for an elbow drop off the ropes and Bam Bam falls and OH NO WE ARE IN ANOTHER DOUBLE COUNT SITUATION THERE ISN'T TIIIIIIIIME ohhhhh ok that was the finish: 1-2-3 Kid covered and got the pin OK. Vince is like "MAYBE THE SAN DIEGO CHARGERS DOOOOOO HAVE A CHANCE IN THE SUPERBOWL NEXT WEEK!" </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE ROOOOOYAL RUMBLE but not before Bam Bam gets into it with Lawrence Taylor a little bit and gives him a pretty good shove and we all know where this is headed don't we ladies and gentlemen. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">DO NOT SHOW ANY HIGHLIGHTS FROM LAST YEAR'S ROYAL RUMBLE THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO TIME FOR THAT AND IF I CAN SEE THAT THEN YOUUUUU CAN SEE THAT VINCE MCMAHON LET'S GO but we do not go and instead it is time for prerecorded comments. I remembered 1995 Shawn Michaels being way better on "the stick" than this but whatever he's awesome and I'm not about to pick nits. We're shown HBK getting in on Diesel's elimination last year, and the finish with Luger and Hart touching the floor at pretty much the same time, and then we have Lex Luger's prerecorded comments and its amazing anyone ever thought he could do this: "1995 IS THE YEAR OF 'THE MAN' -- ME!"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Vince McMahon says that the World Wrestling Federation apologizes to Lawrence Taylor and he does it so briefly and in tones so awkward that it seemed pretty legit so good job on that one Vince. Our special guest hostess for the Royal Rumble match is of course Baywatch star Pamela Anderson who is wearing a black and white number with adidasesque stripes down the sleeve and it is not a bad look and arguably more tasteful than you would expect from "Pamela Anderson is at the Royal Rumble." THE HEARTBREAK KID SHAWN MICHAELS has drawn number one and number two is the British Bulldog Davey Boy Smith who I don't remember ever not wearing pants but here he is without them but I believe his boots are extra tassley to compensate. Shawn Michaels flies around the ring in predictably spectacular fashion and yeah McMahon confirms what I had feared: it's going to be every sixty seconds tonight and he says it like it will be a good thing but I think he is probably making the best of a bad situation and I am not willing to do that. Eli Blue is out next and he is a big man! Seconds later we have DUKE THE DUMPSTER in there and yeah we are going to see some shitty 1995 midcard gimmicks tonight here ladies and gentlemen however we are ALSO going to see "Gigolo" Jimmy Del Ray and lol that guy is so greasy and awesome. Here comes MENG although they don't call him that and Del Ray is out and I wonder if he is any relation to Lana Del Ray? I wonder this aloud and my wife tells me that her real name is Lizzy Grant which is itself a pretty rad name and also I am informed that Lana Del Ray is really into the whole Nancy Sinatra kind of thing and also her father was a really wealthy hedge fund guy and that concludes the Lana Del Ray portion of the Royal Rumble as Dr. Tom Pritchard (pediatrics, I think) and then Doink and then Kwang enter and this sucks. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Holy cow Rick "The Model" Martel is still getting work! Good for him. This is seriously the worst Royal Rumble so far, though. Here now is the "King of Harts" Owen Hart HOWEVER OMG IT IS BRET HART WHO HAS JUMPED HIM BEFORE HE COULD ENTER THE RING AND HE IS LAYING INTO HIM and that is easily the best thing to have happened so far in this Rumble. Vince McMahon suggests that yes indeed Bret Hart is a changed man and far more aggressive than we've ever seen him. He walks away from the beaten Owen in a manner closely resembling that of a boss. Timothy Well or something is next and only lasts a minute but Owen goes in and out of the ring really quickly which gets a big reaction from the crowd and then HBK DUMPS THE DUMPSTER and Meng gets the Model and Michaels tosses Tom Pritchard and this is so rushed and stupid and at least Kwang/Savio Vega reverse thrust kicked Doink off the apron and actually everybody who is neither Shawn Michaels and Davey Boy go out in a heap. Bushwhacker Luke is in and out in an instant. THIS IS STUPID.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jacob Blue enters and decapitates Shawn Michaels with a clothesline however soon thereafter he sails over the top rope as HBK makes himself scarce. Do they ever do this sixty seconds garbage again, or did they realize that by this point they had taken the best idea ever and totally fucking ruined it? Like, King Kong Bundy has just entered the ring, and here I am not giving a single solitary fuck, because the match is just stupid. That is how much they have ruined this shit. The pointlessness of this is overwhelming me right now. The sun is going to explode some day and we all know it. Moe from Men on a Mission comes in but Bundy tosses him right away; and now it is Mabel and he has a little face off with Bundy; who cares. Shawn Michaels does a good job of looking completely spent, leaning into the turnbuckles face first as though all he wants is for his head to hit the pillow for just like ten minutes man that's all he needs ten minutes. My wife who is aware of this Royal Rumble project and who is sitting on the couch reading a fashion magazine suggests that if one were to represent graphically the entry number of each Royal Rumble winner and did so in a visually compelling way it might be possible to finally demonstrate conclusively that wrestling is fake. She says this after asking if I am enjoying my Royal Rumble and I answer with something like "not really but this is the one Shawn Michaels enters first and then wins" and actually my wife has a reasonable knowledge of professional wrestling for someone who does not care for it in the least because her best friend in elementary school was a fan and also she has read both the Bret Hart and first Mick Foley books because they contain words on paper and existed thus satisfying both of my wife's foremost criteria for reading and also my wife has been with me many years and when my brother comes over he and I tend to get carried away on the subject so she has heard some things but obviously something she has *not* heard is that while they do like to have the winner sometimes come in improbably early and stick around forever it is in fact the number *twenty-seven* that has produced the most Royal Rumble winners and anyone who has visited the excellent wikipedia page with all the Royal Rumble stats would know that but it is very unlikely that she has ever been there. Mabel eliminates Bundy as Bushwhacker Butch comes and goes.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">HEY IT IS LEX LUGER FUCK HIM HE SUCKS but there is a little shriek from the crowd when they see him and he dumps Mable right away and Michaels does his best to make Luger's incredibly shitty clotheslines look only moderately shitty. It strikes me finally that this is a really small venue for a Royal Rumble, isn't it? It takes people like three seconds to get to the ring. Mantaur is up next and he is basically Beth Ditto with cooler hair and I am not going to look up the spelling of his name. ALDO MONTOYA THE PORTUGUESE MANOWAR!!! I always kind of liked this guy and I can't say why. Perhaps because he is colonial and not a single organism? Henry Godwin is actually pretty good too imo even though it is strange that his overalls are clearly from Guess. Oh OK so the deal with Pamela Anderson is that she is going to escort the winner of the Royal Rumble to Wrestlemania. AND IT IS BILLY GUNN WHO IS NOT YET AN ASS MAN AT LEAST NOT PUBLICLY.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">AND NOW IT IS THE VASTLY LESS COMPELLING BART GUNN WHO BUTTERBEAN WILL HURT EVENTUALLY and I have no real sense of how many guys are left because my whole Royal Rumble sense of time has been thrown off here for obvious reasons but there can't be that many more. Hey it is full-on deranged Mr. Bob Backlund! AHAHAHAHA YEAH BRET HART IS OUT AND HE IS LAYING INTO HIM YEEEAAAHH! I have no memory of 1995 Bret Hart being this raw man this is RAW LIKE SUSHI NENEH CHERRY DO IT BRET YEEEEEAH the crowd loves this shit and they are CORRECT.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Next in is Steven Dunn or something and then OK what happened we've got Luger clotheslining Backlund out and LOL BRET IS BACK ON TOP OF HIM YEEEEAAAHHH man Bret Hart is the star of this 1995 Royal Rumble so far and it is no contest. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">wtf it is Dirty Dick Murdoch! how can he be in the World Wrestling Federation in 1995? No time to think about that though as Adam Bomb who is every inch of him a guy from the 1995 World Wrestling Federation enters the match at number twenty-eight. Thank you for that update Vince; I had no idea. Michaels and Davey Boy are still in there but it is almost trivial with this one-a-minute bullshit which means nobody has actually been in there all that long and the pace is such that nothing really cool can happen while you're out there anyway so fuck it. Here comes Fatu, who I really like and who made it to the final four in last year's Royal Rumble iirc (and I believe in this instance that I do). Luger bounces Ditto out in kind of a cool way. lol Dirty Dick is busting up Bart Gunn with elbows in the corner. Crush comes in and eliminates both Smoking Gunns just as Aldo Montoya backdrops Steven Dunn out of the ring and the camera turns to Pamela Anderson and she is like hey the action is in the ring *point point.* Dirty Dick almost eliminates Shawn Michaels lol awesome.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So everybody is in now in this the worst Royal Rumble ever. Dirty Dick makes the mistake of headbutting Fatu which, I mean, rookie mistake from the veteran right there. Adam Bomb is out at the hands of shit who was that I guess it was Crush. Also let me take a moment to say if you are a user of gmail you might want to switch to the "terminal" theme for a further taste of 1995, like, the experience of going to the library in 1995. Michaels eliminates Montoya and again Murdoch comes close with HBK but for the second time Luger saves him which seems odd. Crush takes care of Fatu which is a shame because I don't like Crush; I like Fatu. AIRPLANE SPIN DICK MURDOCH AND GODWIN'S SPINNING LEGS TAKE OUT SHAWN MICHAELS IN A TIMELESS SPOT AND IT LOOKS LIKE GODWIN IS GONNA GO BUT NO IT IS MURDOCH WHO IS OUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO so we're down to HBK, Davey, Crush, Godwin, and Luger. Actually forget about Godwin, I guess, as Luger just tossed him.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">EAT SHIT LEX LUGER YEAAAAHHH he had mounted Crush in the corner to punch him but HBK comes over and is like BOOP and there he goes fuck you. Michaels proposes a temporary alliance with Crush, who accepts his overtures and alights on the Bulldog BEFORE SUDDENLY TURNING ON HBK PRESSING HIM OVERHEAD but he ESCAPES and the Bulldog clotheslines Crush over the top and we're down to Davey and Michaels the men who started it all which is pretty cool EXCEPT THE MATCH HAS ONLY BEEN LIKE A HALF AN HOUR but I temporarily set that fact aside while enjoying the Bulldog toss Michaels around in expert fashion while HBK owns and although it would appear that the Bulldog has clotheslined Michaels over the top to win the match THAT IS IN FACT NOT SO as only one of Shawn's feet has touched the floor so when he rushes back into the ring and pushes the prematurely celebrating Bulldog to the outside it is TOTALLY LEGIT and HERE IS YOUR WINNER! The replays show how precariously HBK was suspended out there and lol he fucking *nailed* that shit and it is confirmed by both the contemptible Earl Hebner AND Tim the referee who was Andre the Giant's buddy so there can be no controversy here. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Positives from the Royal Rumble match itself: Bret Hart wailing on Owen and Backlund; the existential fact of 1995 "Dirty" Dick Murdoch; Shawn Michaels making the best of a bad situation by selling like a champ throughout and being funny and awesome and one of the best wrestlers ever and totally sticking the landing on that terrific final spot. Negatives: everything else. Sixty seconds is a travesty of an outrage of a crime against Royal Rumbles and I hated it. Bret Hart vs. Diesel was OUTSTANDING. God bless us every one.</span>ケー・エスhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00000498560411184727noreply@blogger.com0