Monday, 26 January 2015



TRULY THOUGH OUR ELEMENT IS TIME THE LARGELY DISGRACED POET PHILIP LARKIN ONCE WROTE WE ARE NOT SUITED TO THE LONG PERSPECTIVES OPEN AT EACH INSTANT OF OUR LIVES THEY LINK US TO OUR LOSSES AND WORSE THEY SHOW US WHAT WE HAVE AS IT ONCE ONCE WAS BLINDINGLY UNDIMINISHED JUST AS THOUGH BY ACTING DIFFERENTLY WE COULD HAVE KEPT IT SO and that is in fact a devastating thought when applied to literally all aspects of our lives and ways and so it is perhaps no surprise that it is probably a pretty good way to think about how but a year ago Roman Reigns was a beauteous terror of hall-troops of such magnificence that when faced with his obvious superiority our only means of safety was love and we wanted to be near him and maybe even snuggle in a lil *even more* than most of us let on at the time (and we let on ok at the time) and now here we are, all set for a Royal Rumble in which the looming spectre of 2015 döøfcore (healthdöøf?) Roman Reigns, well, I mean looms, like a spectre, right? Because it has to be either him or Daniel Bryan because jesus christ this situation is *thin.* I am not about to pretend to be unswayed by human beauty and so I get why Roman Reigns is still very much "in the hunt" as we embark on this road we call the one that goes to Wrestlemania but it will not surprise you to learn that in the interests of *scientific wrestling* my heart is very much with young Daniel Bryan who is actually pretty much my age but whatever and also I would accept a returning Sheamus as a darkhorse pick to just come in and hoss the fvkk out of people LET'S GET TO IT EVERYBODY LET'S WATCH THE UNDERCARD and if the undercard drags even a little maybe I will just say things about Shinsuke Nakamura who is everybody's favourite wrestler right now which is appropriate imo because he is the best one.

The THEN NOW FOREVER music at the start always makes me think of Baba O'Reilly which is not unpleasant at all and then we get a weighty voice saying WE ALL SEARCH FOR THAT MOMENT THAT DEFINES US THAT CEMENTS WHO WE ARE WHAT WE'VE DONE AND WHERE WE'RE GOING BUT THIS TIME THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE and interspersed here are little comments from all kinds of people including that *dôōf* Roman Reigns but also Dolph Ziggler seems kind of prominent here (don't do it man don't get your hopes up for Dolph Ziggler you know better than that man you *are* better than that man) TONIGHT DESTINY WILL BE DECIDED FOR . . . THE ONE and also there is the matter of THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPION THE CHALLENGER THE FUTURE THREE MEN BATTLE FOR GLORY THIRTY MEN COLLIDE FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO OBTAIN IT WHO WILL MAKE HISTORY WHO WILL DEFINE THEIR MOMENT and this is pretty good but I mean shit we have all seen 8-Mile we all get it.  

PYROOOOOOOO YEEEAAAAHHHH welcome to Philadelphia! The Wells Fargo Centre! Wasn't Wells Fargo like super evil even by the standards of banks? OH YOU DIDN'T KNOW jesus christ it is the new-age outlaws with Phillie Phanatic hats and this demeans the Phanatic basically and ok people still love the Road Dogg's lil intro thing and also Billy Gunn's decree that all opposed shallst ensucken it but I hate it as it is a dark reminder of the Attitude Era which I hated and stopped watching and if you want a reminder of that era why not bring back Headbanger Thrash and to a lesser extent perhaps Headbanger Mosh? Their opponents tonight are The Ascension who have a vaguely occult theme which is a good idea but their names are Connor and Victor and we are shown a video package of them getting wrestlemurdered by a collection of old dudes like for example a Scott Hall who now looks more like the ghost of Gargamel than like actual Gargamel himself which is pretty fucked up. Billy Gunn is a huge man; I am not sure I noticed that previously amidst all the ass stuff (this is not a diss of all the ass stuff; how could anyone's problem have been with Billy Gunn). This is ok or whatever and the Ascension do their TOTAL ELIMINATION~~~esque finisher and if you enjoy ascensions you could try the card game called ascension maybe as it has kvlt art in it.

WWE IMMORTALS is a video game that is free but that I will neither DL nor play; Royal Rumble Pinball cost quarters to play but I paid them eagerly and would do the same today if they brought it back at the pub. What lessons can we draw from this? None.  

Sting was on Raw on Monday! I don't watch Raw but I am given to understand that it is the saddest trash these days and while I don't doubt that at all I don't know how you could watch three hours of Raw every week even if it was totally stellar as that is just a lot of Raw man. Triple H and Stephanie are seen backstage standing at like a 3/4 angle to the camera and talking like they are alone but not shoot alone (they are not talking about the kids or their life together or whatever) and Paul Heyman comes in and people chant EEE SEE DUB and Triple H mentioned Nikolai Volkoff here so this part was good.

A tag team title match is next between MiZ & MIZDOW which we all love because while the Miz has only ever been unforgivably horrible Damien Mizdow is unfailingly brilliant even if it is weird that they call him a stunt double when he is plainly an understudy but maybe that confusion is part of the gimmick and I am an idiot and THE USOS who are rad and who do all kinds of top notch Samoan dancing and chanting and Fatu/Rikishi must be proud of how sikk his boys are or maybe he really wanted them to get into another line of work I don't know. Maybe this wouldn't seem as great to me if I saw it every week or whatever but Mizdow's antics on the apron are SO GREAT I LOVE THEM. JBL has just referred to Judo Gene LeBell as another notable stunt double and I don't know how much doubling he did as such (probably some!) but I read a thing where Gene was saying he wishes Ronday Rousey would really go hard at acting because when you get enough work in you get a good pension and residuals and everything and god bless Judo Gene LeBell; he wants the best for Ronda Rousey.The Miz plants an Uso LIKE A LAWN DART with a ddt JBL tells us and lol JBL is PRETTY GOOD TONIGHT MAGGLE.

ooooooh nooooooo an Uso has just now died as he came over the top hot on the heels of a previous Uso and nobody caught him (you had one job there guys) and he was doing a flip and you can kind of see the moment where this particular Uso is like "well these fuckers have failed me" and he just tucks his chin and dies. That was *awful* and these cretins are like YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP which while literally true is not a useful sentiment. lol wrestling fans are awful like "hey wrestling fans I have contracted HIV from a blood transfusion this is devastating for me and my family" YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP anyway the Usos win this one and good for them; they seem nice.

Renee Young, who is an angel of some kind, hosts a panel consisting of Booker T and two guys I don't know about but I really like Booker T and what is it about Renee Young that makes her such a compelling person telling us about wrestling? Like of course she is beautiful but the world is full of beautiful people who one simply cannot stand, perhaps in no small part because of that very beauty (who can say). But she is super charming! She is a skilled broadcaster who should have a better life than this.

There is a dumb sketch backstage with Noble and Mercury talking about an app of some kind JESUS CHRIST SETH ROLLINS JUST THREW AN iPAD that is the most decadent thing I have ever seen.

Let me pause here to note that live in attendance in Philadelphia are my e-bros GOUT DRACULA, BIG WHITE TOSH, and MUCHMOMENTUM and let me also say what is up e-bros please know that I value your friendship and hope that you enjoy your night!

In further tag-team action we have the Bella twins against Natty "The Anvil" Natalya and alt-wrestlegoth Paige and I am sure this has occurred to all kinds of people so I am not claiming any originality of thought or vision here but wouldn't it be quite a thing if they shot a men's match from the same angles and with the same male gazey emphases they put on the women's matches in some kind of grappling Hawkeye initiative or project or whatever that was called? Like what if Randy Orton's crotch was shot as lovingly as that of a Bella's? Wouldn't that be, as I have mentioned already, quite something? I think Paige's gimmick of being a sexual predator of some kind works pretty well though. Natty is a really good wrestler I think. I saw her at the historic Halifax Forum where, as you know Leo Burke challenged for the NWA World Championship in yore-days, and she had a good match with maybe A. J. Lee? Who is also good! lol you can feel the camera dude's throbbing dickboner as Nikki Bella goes for the pin; this is absurd. Brie really lays those knees into Natty against the ropes though jesus. Hey remember how good Stephanie MacMahon was in that match vs. a Bella? I don't see much WWE wrestling (just a little bit after judo on ppv Sundays) but I saw that one and it was kind of great. Steph GETS IT which is perhaps unsurprising. HAHAHA OK WOAH WHAT A FINISH so ok Brie hauls Paige off the apron to prevent the "hot tag" from Natalya and it is quite a spill and then Nikki *clubbers the shit* out of Natalya with a forearm that goes totally unacknowledged on commentary but which is some real live strong style shit like MISAWAAAAAAA or something where the FVKK did that come from my god

There is a bit of break here so whilst on the topic of STRONG STYLE why not pause for a moment to hail its king, Shinsuke Nakamura, whose glory I have but newly begun to bathe in. Like, I had been aware of Shinsuke Nakamura, somewhat-bland-but-reasonably-effective shooter from years ago -- I have seen a couple shootz & also the Lesnar IWGP match for example -- but it was not until Wrestle Kingdom 9, which really & truly was a wrestling kingdom, that I was exposed to contemporary murder-fop Shinsuke Nakamura, who might very well be our swagmost human. I found a dailymotion playlist of all of Shinsuke Nakamura's matches from the G1 this year, and in those matches it is clear to me that Shinsuke Nakamura is the best wrestler in the world and also utterly fascinating to the extent to which he resists theorization. (Go ahead: try to theorize him.) There is a video from just last weekend where he is dancing around with a Japanese kids pop group called TEMPURA KIDS and it is a singular performance, in which, although he is into it and commits to the performance -- he is not aloof, exactly -- he is plainly not thirsty for it, you know? It is a fine line and one he toes not just in the world of Japanese children's synthpop but also on the mat. I have taken to having recent NJPW matches on in the background whilst I translate medieval epic poetry (only god can judge me) and while there are a *tonne* of amazing grappledöødz in contemporary NJPW, none of them are close to Nakamura imo, not even Tanashi (the most cheerable wrestler ever? how is that air guitar shit not cheesy as fvkk? idk! idk!) or Okada (such aaaaaaarogance) or Ishii (STONE PITBULL). ANYWAY, my bros NICK and MURPH, staunch proponents of contemporary NJPW, will be rolling their eyes at this johnny-come-lately shit (actually they probably won't because they are both super nice) but man I have seen the light. Go watch all the 2014 G1 CLIMAX matches on dailymotion; they are better than anything (pretendfighting division).

PRE-RECORDED COMMENTS FROM ROYAL RUMBLE PARTICIPANTS alright I always love these here we go: ugh Roman Reign is such a *dôòf* now how did this even happen (remember at Survivor Series or whatever when he was like "I'm gonna uh be the first to uh Royal uh win uh wrestling? Buh-leeeve that") and he also encourages us here to buh-leeeve that which idk about you but there are some serious Kris-Kross resonances there that are not the toughest sounding (r.i.p. Kris-Kross I am not blaming you lil guys) and what the hell man why not go full AND YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTERRRR if you are going for that feel; Gold & Stardust are tremendous is my view; Rusev and Lana are A Great Act and I heard recently they are an IRL item which is great because they both seem nice; the Miz and Mizdow are up to shenanigans lol; the Big Show claims to not be mortal but instead a giant and in fact a motivated giant (wut); Fandango is bringing serious handsomeness to his assertions regarding the sheer power of the tango (who are we to doubt it); DANIEL BRYAN's beard looks way dried out and he should as a first step shampoo it less and lol he is doing the tiniest "YES YES YES" cheer so his arms don't go outside the frame of the shot or my god is that how high his arms go now?

The official song of the Royal Rumble comes to us from Danko Jones of all people and he is a mainstay of below-the-radar-and-not-actually-good Canadian rock and roll since like the late 90s I guess. The only person I ever knew who really liked Danko Jones a lot wrote a really long song called "The Annapolis Valley" that began "I used to live in the Annapolis Valley" and it went on from there for one hell of a long time (solid guy, nice guy). Danko Jones wrote a terrible article about Burzum one time, let me find it while this actually thrilling promotional video for the WWE Championship match runs . . . yeah ok here it is:

BRRRRRRRRRRRR YABBA DOOOOOO it is John Cena! I like John Cena plenty but I respect the melodious "John Cena suuuuuuucks" Philadelphia crowd singalong right now ("it's not a fvkkn singalong unless you bring the weed along," Drake once argued). Hahaha yeeeeeeaaahhhh John Cena's canvas belt around his jorts reads HUSTLE LOYALTY RESPECT; such is the extent of his commitment to those ideals and things. This crowd is pretty excited for Seth Rollins as well they should be he is great! And, as my friend Bill has suggested, a giraffe who does crossfit. Here comes Brock Lesnar and man this could be really good! I don't really like triple-threat matches actually but there are exceptions and these three guys are actually all kind of exceptional in their own way (even John Cena you goons). Old-timey ring introductions once the competitors are in the ring are great but a world championship belt that looks like a Jostens class ring is not great but whatever man the crowd is ready and so is referee Mike Chioda and so am I!

lol german suplex maybe eight seconds in or something, poor John Cena. Do you remember all those German suplexes at The Summerslam? Of course you do. Aaaand there is another one. AAAAAAAND a double german suplex on Seth's lil cronies this is *great.* There's one for Rollins. And another one for John Cena. My god. This is like a Kurt Angle match except the suplexes mean something haha! Vertical suplex on Cena except he just like, fvkkn, chucked him at the end instead of dropping him straight down. German suplex on Rollins, and another chucking vertical suplex to Cena, and another to Rollins. THESE ARE THE ONLY MOVES HE IS DOING LIKE HE ISN'T EVEN PUNCHING OR ANYTHING. Lesnar has the gyaku ude garami aka the Kimura (so named by the Gracies in tribute to judo great Masohika Kimura obvsly) from do-ōsae (or "guard" if you are revolting (lol j/k ur not revolting)) which is *the very same hold* he wrecked Triple H's arm with in what was iirc Lesnar's first match back after his foray into the plainly lesser sport of mixed martial arts? Holy cow Cena just stands up with Brock Lesnar all over him like it is no big deal then Seth Rollins comes in with this like springboard knee off the ropes to Brock's head *like a fvkkn maniac* and this match is GOOD and it has been what like three minutes?

You can boo John Cena but you are only booing the best part of yourselves, Philadelphia.

Attitude Adjustment to Lesnar! That was surprising. Kicked out at one from the Rollins cover. Man what is the deal with these vertical suplexes where he just fvkkn chucks guys? Has he always done this and I have somehow forgotten? JBL suggests that Brock Lesnar is the closest thing this world has even seen to a pure gladiator which is probably true except for all the gladiators JBL *gosh*. John Cena is *taking it* to Seth Rollins AH HA Seth Rollins tried a kick from the u-can't-see me position but Cena caught it and tried the STF I guess but Rollins got the ropes BUT Cena just yanked him off and went for another five-knuckle shuffle HOWEVER lol Lesnar snuck in on little cat's feet and german suplexed the shit out of him until Rollins kicked Brock *really* hard. 

I think John Cena did a Falcon Arrow? Or a Michinoku Driver or something? I would consult Fire Pro right now to get to the taxonomic bottom of this but there is no time THERE IS NO TIME this match is tremendous. Seth Rollins has a flippy neckbreaker of the ropes that I like! AAAAHAHAHA F5 FROM A SETH ROLLINS SPRINGBOARDING SOMETHING MY GOD I mean Cena broke up the pin but man that was great what is even happening these are such MØøVZ and lol ok Lesnar clears off the Spanish announce table and he does it with such uncommon *fury* but now he is getting Attitude Adjusted three times in a row but no big deal Brock Lesnar kicks out of stuff like that no problem and also from a Seth Rollins curbstomp (man that name is awfully vivid isn't it) and while I don't really like THIS IS AWESOME chants all that much because I think the actual pronunciation of that should be YAAAAAAYYYYYY I get it in this instance I do I get it.

EVERYTHING THEY ARE DOING IS GREAT like for example John Cena just tackled Brock Lesnar through a barricade and that sounds pretty standard maybe but it didn't look standard and what is I guess even more important it didn't *feel* standard it felt fvkkn *real* and now Paul E. Heymanously scurries and scampers away as Cena drives Lesnar into the stairs and clubbers him with those selfsame stairs until Lesnar is laid out on the table OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK  SETH ROLLINS JUST DID THE BEST THING TO HIM HE JUST FUCKINNNNNNG FLEWWWWWW THROUGH THE AIR WITH THE BEST THING ANYONE HAS EVER DONE TO A GUY ON A TABLE MY GOD like I don't even know why that was so great I mean it was a splashy elbow or an elbowy splash but it just looked incredible and now everyone has died r.i.p. everyone you died doing what you loved pretending to fight for money.

Lesnar looks well and truly out of it for a while and ahahahaa John Cena powerbombs Seth Rollins but instead of just pinning him in the conventional post-powerbomb way Cena passes the legs and pins from the side and I swear to you I FVKKN SWEAR TO YOU I am CERTAIN he did it that way because he thought to do otherwise would look gay *I am so certain of this you have no idea*

Rollins powerbombs Cena into the turnbuckles in the first move in this entire match that did not end up quite as gnar as one might hope but it was still ok. 

It is a small mercy but a mercy nevertheless that they just call it an STF rather than an STFU when Cena does the stepover-toehold-facelock and ok there is a stretcher out for Lesnar and now Rollins' lil buddies have come in to assist him in powerbombing Cena and now everyone is taking a well deserved breather because yeesh man and ok now Rollins takes a run at Cena with an extremely battered money-in-the-bank briefcase but misses and yesssssss Cena does that double Attitude Adjustment he can do with both of the lil cronies up at the same time (this is only possible because John Cena is YOLKED)

WHAT IN THE FVKK SETH ROLLINS JUST DID A PHOENIX SPLASH IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL IT WHEN FMW ACE HAYABUSA WOULD DO THAT BEFORE HE MURDERED HIMSELF WITH A LIONSAULT MY GOD AND LIKE ROLLINS MISSED IT A TINY BIT SO IT WAS LIKE A PHOENIX HEADBUTT WhAT THe FVVVVVVKKKK but lol that isn't the finish because Lesnar has com back like Lazarus except only for endless suplexes and Rollins FLIPS OUT OF ONE and cranks him with the briefcase a couple times but it is nbd for Lesnar who F5s him and wins nbd best match ever

"Holy crap this is unbelievable," is Jerry "The King" Lawler's take on this match and it is mine also. This was the best triple-threat match I know about and I am not saying that to damn with faint praise or anything because I usually don't like them; this was one of the best WWE matches in forever and do you know what is crazy? This was better than anyone could have reasonably expected and it might not even be as good as *two* of the matches on Wrestle Kingdom 9 which is to say you should go watch Wrestle Kingdom 9 sometime and then figure out which of these three ridiculously sikk matches is the best match of *January* lol what is going on with all this ridiculous wrestling right now.

Oh hey on that: do you know about Lucha Underground, with with Robert Rodriguez is loosely affiliated? It is really good! And they did this Rumble-esque match a couple weeks ago called AZTEC WARFARE only it was pinfall and submission because what fun is lucha libre without sikk dives and anyway when it aired Herbius Meltz and Bryan Alvarez both declared it the best battle royale they had seen in ages and almost certainly better than anything they would come up with for the Royal Rumble this year and while it was not *exactly* the same kind of deal so it is not the fairest comparison it was really really good! I however remain optimistic that this will slay.

HEY GUYS HOW ABOUT INSTEAD OF THIS TEDIOUS STATS RUNDOWN (really it is trivia not stats) WE ADD SOME TIME TO THE RUMBLE AND GO TWO MINUTES BETWEEN GRAPPLEDôÓDZ AS GOD INTENDED INSTEAD OF NINETY SECONDS but no I guess not. This is really tedious whereas they should be doing stuff that is exciting right now in my view. Or maybe this is the "cool down" thing because how could you just have exciting thing happen after exciting thing; that would never work (wut's up Wrestle Kingdom 9)

ALRIGHT IT IS TIME TO RUMBLE IT IS TIME TO ROOOOOYYYYYAALLLL RUMBLE LIKE VINCE USED TO SAY and in at number one is Miz which is not exciting and iirc they have done this before with him but when they did so he came out amidst big puffy letter that said AWESOME which was solid. lololol ok JBL has just informed us that there have been two winners from the number one position including hall-of-famer HBK Shawn Michaels in 1995 lol JBL who was the other one and what is his physical address and where exactly are his dogs lol (a horrible crime we shouldn't be laughing). If they are going to allude to his achievements and attainments but refuse to mention his name they should probably just start going with his Fire Pro name like WELL MAGGLE AS U KNOW THERE HAVE BEEN TWO WINNERS FROM THE NUMBER ONE POSITION NAMELY HALL-OF-FAMER SHAWN MAGGLES AND "THE COMPUTER" ROOTS GENOA BACK TO U MAGGLE and number two is R-Truth wow he is still working good for him but what is this dancing around whilst rapping biz like I understand having a rap gimmick but this seems ancient and square like A-RIP-A-DIP-DOOO FELLOWZ LET US GO A-RAPPING and lol he just said whoomp there it is I rest my *fvkknnngggg* case anyway I wish him well. Also worth considering: the Miz's gimmick is that he is in movies well R-Truth iirc (shoot name Ron Killings?) was in The Wrestler although not featured as prominently as say Necro Butcher but I mean who could be.

These guys are doing some stuff but it is whatever. BUBBA RAY DUDLEY? He has been in TNA and called Bully Ray right? I have never watched TNA so I don't know but a person hears things because of the company he keeps! Unshockingly the people of Philadelphia like this a lot! First time in the Royal Rumble for Bubba Ray which is stunning. ugggggghhhhhhhhhhhh waaaaaaaait a minute ok in the absence of D-Von, Bubba Ray has recruited R-Truth to be his black person in lieu of him jeeesus christ that seems shitty and yep ok R-Truth just pitched in on a Dudley Death Drop so yeah his job in this one was to be black; this is grim. Also grim, though less so: Bubba Ray goes TA-BLE TA-BLE to get the crowd chanting table and that doesn't sound that bad but it seemed desperate. 

Anyway Miz and R-Truth are both out now (weren't they partners a lifetime ago?) and in comes Luke Harper who is essentially a murderer in my view like this guy is huge and he moves and he has a gross beard and crazy eyes and the sky is the limit! They do some hitting and stuff until Bray Wyatt comes out with an abbreviated version of his excellent entrance that is still very good. Unsurprisingly Bubba Ray is tossed by these southern gothicists but that was great in that the crowd was thrilled to see him and he managed to not assault any women or use any racial slurs (that made camera). Curtis Axel (son of Mr. Perfect) is next but he gets jumped by the guy with the sheep mask who is now I am told a vintner of some kind and the Wyatt family lies in utter ruin and Wyatt tips his two former cultists out at the same time like *whoot* and that's that.

Things weren't racist enough with the R-Truth-as-D-Von spots so here comes the Boogeyman as another surprise entrant and the recent non-appearance of Mr. Perfect's son reminds us all that the best surprise entrant ever was Mr. Perfect in 2002, that Royalest of Rumbles, when he made it to the final four and the Atlanta crowd was like OH NO FVKK when he was finally eliminated. The Boogeyman and Bray Wyatt try to creep each other out for a lil bit before Bray Wyatt tosses him out and now we have SIN CARA who probably hasn't been Mistico in years but I am not up on things man idk. Bray Wyatt hits his sikkly-named finisher (Sister Abigail) and that's it for Sin Cara he is gone. Bray Wyatt gets on the mic aka *tha stikk* and says OPEN INVITATION but it isn't open; everyone has numbers on lil balls. The best instance of a person saying things on the mic during the rumble is definitely the time CM Punk (who continues to duck the twitter challenges proffered by my e-bros for a CM Punk/KS shoot encounter but this is no surprise as I have actual -- extremely meagre but *actual* verifiable existent credentials in a combat sport which puts me out of that clown's league WHO HAS CLOWN SHOES NOW CM PUNK WHO HAS THEM idk what he mean when he would call Johnny Ace clownshoes tbh) 

I got sidetracked but Zack Ryder is next and his lovable bro persona is indeed lovable: whoo whoo whoo; u know it; but it is not to be and he has already been tossed and lol like a minute and a half too late JBL is like SIN CARA IS SPANISH FOR "YOU'RE ELIMINATED" lol jesus christ JBL get yr head in the game

DOES THE RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES PUT YOU IN MIND OF THE PRE-CHRISTIAN GERMANIC NORTH AS IT DOES ME AS DANIEL BRYAN IS IN AT NUMBER TEN AND THE PEOPLE OF PHILADELPHIA MUCH LIKE THE PEOPLE OF THIS COUCH EXCLUDING DORIS THE CAT WHO DOESN'T GIVE A FVKK ARE READDDDDYYYYYYYY and I think of the various Royal Rumble *feelings* one has, maybe the best one is when a SERIOUS CONTENDER makes their way to the ring man oh man that is an exciting thing by which I mean *this* is an exciting thing and Daniel Bryan kind of has his hair in HBK-style perhaps as a tribute to his mentor? 

Bryan and Bray Wyatt go like hell for a little while until Fandango comes in (what of his music everybody would sing to? what of it?) and then it is Bryan and Fandango while Bray takes it sleazy in a corner. Tyson Kidd is in next and I have have heard his gimmick is that he likes cats? Solid gimmick imo. Not a lot going on here as we are weirdly kind of into mid-Rumble doldrums already. Here comes Stardust and I support Cody Rhodes in every iteration. Some skin-the-cats are cat-skinned in the mode of Ricky Steamboat and then Daniel Bryan backdrops Tyson Kidd out wwwwaaaaaiiiit why is Daniel Bryan suicide diving through the middle ropes onto Bray Wyatt doesn't he have a neck made of finest porcelains now

DDP is out next yes it is Diamond Dallas Page in a DDP Yoga shirt and jeans tucked into black wrestling boots and that sounds like a mess but looks *turnt* and while DDP looks about sixty it is worth noting that he looked about sixty when he was like thirty-five so DDP Yoga is a shoot imo. DIAMOND CUTTERZ to both Fandango and Bray Wyatt which while awesome will steal the thunder from a returning Randy Orton and his RsKO unless I guess he isn't returning? And what of Sheamus, I ask, and his hossing? Rusev is in next and he puts his flag in a lil stand and Lana has this look on just this *look* and he is ready to go.

DANIEL BRYAN IS KICKING RUSEV AND BRAY WYATT REALLY HARD wait what bray wyatt just like shoved daniel bryan gently and daniel bryan is out wtf happened uuuughhhhhh wut is this they are not gonna do this again jesus this is even worse than not having him in man they are gonna go with reigns aren't they there isn't anybody else maybe rusev jesus christ

Goldust is in and he is great but this isn't the time Goldust this isn't the time 

lol I feel so awful right now and then I feel ridiculous for feeling awful right now so this is a great way to feel and be lol I stink

WELL IT IS QUITE A SELECTION OF SHITTY GUYS NOBODY WANTS TO WIN IN THERE RIGHT NOW and while that isn't actually fair it is how I feel right now this is garrrrrrbage and now here is Kofi Kingston who doesn't have that I HEAR DEM CRYYYYINNNNN song anymore which is too bad but he'll do something great soon I guess NOT THAT IT MATTERS I HATE THIS ok here comes Adam Rose whose gimmick is he has all the E or something and oh ok Adam Rose is gone fast but also he has a bunch of party ppl with him and these party people catch Kofi on his way to the floor and then set him back in THAT WASN'T EVEN GOOD and now he is out anyway so who cares even a little and the crowd is so flat right now and that is how I feel too like there is plenty of booing but mostly the crowd is just like WHY WOULD THIS BE; LIKE FOR WHAT REASON 


Roman Reigns enters through the crowd because he is a beloved man of the people (the people all hate him) and he tosses out some guys including Cody Rhodes who is ten times the wrestler Roman Reigns is and subsequently Goldust who is *a thousand million* times the wrestler Roman Reigns is or can ever be. 

god damn it

Big-E Langston is out and throws Rusev with a nice suplex but nobody cares about anything until MIZDOW comes out and the Miz is like no no I should go in but then there are shenanigans and Mizdow goes in and gets tossed by Rusev and then more Mizdow/Miz comedy which is fine but the booing continues in earnest.

Here is Jack Swagger who I have always enjoyed but he doesn't have Zeb Coulter coming out with hilarious racist (hilaracist?) signs so that's too bad for him and for everybody really. 

ROMAN REIGNS IS GOING TO WIN WHY DON'T WE ALL JUST GO HOME except I am home so there is nowhere else for me to go

RYBACK IS HERE WITH A SATCHEL OF BODYBUILDING DRUGS and actually he has been ok in Royal Rumbles so I will not prejudge this. Ok further evidence that Rusev gets it: he is hugging the bottom and middle ropes like a coward despite being a humongous monster which demonstrates real commitment to being a loathsome heel nobody could every possibly like even a little. GOOD JOB RUSEV. People are chanting for CM Punk because of things CM Punk said about Ryback on Colt Cabana's podcast; what an age.

*BWOOF* it is Kane although in truth there is now BWOOFLAME this year just Kane in some pants. He is still Corporate Kane then? The crowd continues to not care.

OK SO Dean Ambrose is probably our only (admittedly incredibly slim) chance for somebody other than Roman Reigns to win this thing and the crowd seems to appreciate this fact immediately and they are with him for about twenty seconds until they all just remember how sad they are and they stop cheering him or really anything and you know what they aren't even *counting down* with any real enthusiasm and that is *dark.*

I don't know who Titus O'Neil is but he comes out to something resembling a trap beat so I am in and he is full of such bluster and moment on his way in that he is probably lol yyyyyyyyep he was eliminated in seconds that was the whole point of his bluster. Two things will get you tossed from a Royal Rumble with a quickness: being full of bluster as you come down the aisle, or being black, and Titus O'Neil was both, so there you go. Hey if you were wondering about Vince and racism, find the old Bad News Allen shoot interview where he answers the question was Vince ever racist? by arguing that yes actually literally all of the time forever thank you for asking about that.

BAD NEWS BARRETT YYYYYEEEAAAAAHHH I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS FOR YA THIS ROYAL RUMBLE IS AN ASSSSSHOOOOOLLLE but it is uncanny how I was just talking about about Bad News Allen and now here we are, right? Bad News Barrett pretty much has it all and would be killer in New Japan; he should go there, and bring his amazing cape.

NOBODY CARES ABOUT THIS AT ALL AS THE BIG SHOW ENTERS AT NUMBER 29 however please recall if you will how sikk it was a few years ago when like six dudes hit all their finishers on Big Show in a row (that will not happen). 

go to hell they put dolph ziggler in at number thirty how dare you do this to me to us to dolph this isn't right WE ARE NOT GOING TO FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS JUST BECAUSE DOLPH ZIGGLER IS HERE NOW anyway he superkicks some guys including Bad News Barret who has been eliminated. Cesaro too (giant swing first though, tecmo wrestling style)

OK so it doesn't matter but who is left here we've got Ziggler, Big Show, Kane, Wyatt, Reigns, Ambrose, and lol jesus christ ok so Ziggler comes off the top and Big Show hits him with a *knockout punch* and then Kane and Big Show pick him up and ever so gingerly set him outside the ring like *boop* and then they do the same pretty much with Bray Wyatt  *boop* and our final four consists of Big Show and Kane and Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose and there is just booing, just the sourest booing. Roman Reigns is bleeding and idk if anyone in the crowd has noticed but if they have they would probably be like GOOD which is uncharitable but I bet that is what they would be like. All kinds of chokeslams. And there goes Dean Ambrose *boop*

I hate this so much

The chant at this point is "bullshit" which is good but I like all the booing better and lol yeah here comes the booing as Roman Reigns starts his little comeback look pal if I wanted to see superman punches I would watch the utterly brilliant A.J. Styles either in the context of NJPW or at the historic Halifax Forum where he came for a couple of indie matches last summer and proved himself to be among the best in the world at disingenuous grappling and ok Reigns has tipped Kane and Big Show out A GIANT SLAIN LET US BUILD IN ST. MICHEAL'S NAME A CHURCH ATOP THE MARK WHERE HE FELL idk I am just old-fashioned about stuff like that and everybody is just booing and now they are chanting we want Rusev?

THE ROCK OK IT IS THE ROCK and we all knew he was in Philadelphia because of the handsome picture he tweeted so this is something but actually it is probably an affront because the idea here is ok we know you might not be wild about Roman Reigns but you all like the Rock right? RIGHT?

WELL OF COURSE WE LIKE THE ROCK THAT ISN'T THE POINT and now I guess Rusev was never eliminated so he is back in for a sec before Reigns tosses him out? lol what was he doing, just laying down for twenty minutes? I totally did not notice that. Is Sting mb here?  

The Rock is in there to raise Roman Reigns' hand but the whole situation is an affront and say what you will but the people of Philadelphia are remaining true to themselves here and can you say the same of our yourself and also consider the idea that chastity is not about being puritanical it is about the body remaining in the soul's keeping so the Philadelphia crowd could rightly be described as chaste here imo