2015 ROYAL RUMBLE

YOU LOVE ROMAN REIGNS YOU LOVE HIM

TRULY THOUGH OUR ELEMENT IS TIME THE LARGELY DISGRACED POET PHILIP LARKIN ONCE WROTE WE ARE NOT SUITED TO THE LONG PERSPECTIVES OPEN AT EACH INSTANT OF OUR LIVES THEY LINK US TO OUR LOSSES AND WORSE THEY SHOW US WHAT WE HAVE AS IT ONCE ONCE WAS BLINDINGLY UNDIMINISHED JUST AS THOUGH BY ACTING DIFFERENTLY WE COULD HAVE KEPT IT SO and that is in fact a devastating thought when applied to literally all aspects of our lives and ways and so it is perhaps no surprise that it is probably a pretty good way to think about how but a year ago Roman Reigns was a beauteous terror of hall-troops of such magnificence that when faced with his obvious superiority our only means of safety was love and we wanted to be near him and maybe even snuggle in a lil *even more* than most of us let on at the time (and we let on ok at the time) and now here we are, all set for a Royal Rumble in which the looming spectre of 2015 döøfcore (healthdöøf?) Roman Reigns, well, I mean looms, like a spectre, right? Because it has to be either him or Daniel Bryan because jesus christ this situation is *thin.* I am not about to pretend to be unswayed by human beauty and so I get why Roman Reigns is still very much "in the hunt" as we embark on this road we call the one that goes to Wrestlemania but it will not surprise you to learn that in the interests of *scientific wrestling* my heart is very much with young Daniel Bryan who is actually pretty much my age but whatever and also I would accept a returning Sheamus as a darkhorse pick to just come in and hoss the fvkk out of people LET'S GET TO IT EVERYBODY LET'S WATCH THE UNDERCARD and if the undercard drags even a little maybe I will just say things about Shinsuke Nakamura who is everybody's favourite wrestler right now which is appropriate imo because he is the best one.

The THEN NOW FOREVER music at the start always makes me think of Baba O'Reilly which is not unpleasant at all and then we get a weighty voice saying WE ALL SEARCH FOR THAT MOMENT THAT DEFINES US THAT CEMENTS WHO WE ARE WHAT WE'VE DONE AND WHERE WE'RE GOING BUT THIS TIME THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE and interspersed here are little comments from all kinds of people including that *dôōf* Roman Reigns but also Dolph Ziggler seems kind of prominent here (don't do it man don't get your hopes up for Dolph Ziggler you know better than that man you *are* better than that man) TONIGHT DESTINY WILL BE DECIDED FOR . . . THE ONE and also there is the matter of THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPION THE CHALLENGER THE FUTURE THREE MEN BATTLE FOR GLORY THIRTY MEN COLLIDE FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO OBTAIN IT WHO WILL MAKE HISTORY WHO WILL DEFINE THEIR MOMENT and this is pretty good but I mean shit we have all seen 8-Mile we all get it.  

PYROOOOOOOO YEEEAAAAHHHH welcome to Philadelphia! The Wells Fargo Centre! Wasn't Wells Fargo like super evil even by the standards of banks? OH YOU DIDN'T KNOW jesus christ it is the new-age outlaws with Phillie Phanatic hats and this demeans the Phanatic basically and ok people still love the Road Dogg's lil intro thing and also Billy Gunn's decree that all opposed shallst ensucken it but I hate it as it is a dark reminder of the Attitude Era which I hated and stopped watching and if you want a reminder of that era why not bring back Headbanger Thrash and to a lesser extent perhaps Headbanger Mosh? Their opponents tonight are The Ascension who have a vaguely occult theme which is a good idea but their names are Connor and Victor and we are shown a video package of them getting wrestlemurdered by a collection of old dudes like for example a Scott Hall who now looks more like the ghost of Gargamel than like actual Gargamel himself which is pretty fucked up. Billy Gunn is a huge man; I am not sure I noticed that previously amidst all the ass stuff (this is not a diss of all the ass stuff; how could anyone's problem have been with Billy Gunn). This is ok or whatever and the Ascension do their TOTAL ELIMINATION~~~esque finisher and if you enjoy ascensions you could try the card game called ascension maybe as it has kvlt art in it.

WWE IMMORTALS is a video game that is free but that I will neither DL nor play; Royal Rumble Pinball cost quarters to play but I paid them eagerly and would do the same today if they brought it back at the pub. What lessons can we draw from this? None.  

Sting was on Raw on Monday! I don't watch Raw but I am given to understand that it is the saddest trash these days and while I don't doubt that at all I don't know how you could watch three hours of Raw every week even if it was totally stellar as that is just a lot of Raw man. Triple H and Stephanie are seen backstage standing at like a 3/4 angle to the camera and talking like they are alone but not shoot alone (they are not talking about the kids or their life together or whatever) and Paul Heyman comes in and people chant EEE SEE DUB and Triple H mentioned Nikolai Volkoff here so this part was good.

A tag team title match is next between MiZ & MIZDOW which we all love because while the Miz has only ever been unforgivably horrible Damien Mizdow is unfailingly brilliant even if it is weird that they call him a stunt double when he is plainly an understudy but maybe that confusion is part of the gimmick and I am an idiot and THE USOS who are rad and who do all kinds of top notch Samoan dancing and chanting and Fatu/Rikishi must be proud of how sikk his boys are or maybe he really wanted them to get into another line of work I don't know. Maybe this wouldn't seem as great to me if I saw it every week or whatever but Mizdow's antics on the apron are SO GREAT I LOVE THEM. JBL has just referred to Judo Gene LeBell as another notable stunt double and I don't know how much doubling he did as such (probably some!) but I read a thing where Gene was saying he wishes Ronday Rousey would really go hard at acting because when you get enough work in you get a good pension and residuals and everything and god bless Judo Gene LeBell; he wants the best for Ronda Rousey.The Miz plants an Uso LIKE A LAWN DART with a ddt JBL tells us and lol JBL is PRETTY GOOD TONIGHT MAGGLE.

ooooooh nooooooo an Uso has just now died as he came over the top hot on the heels of a previous Uso and nobody caught him (you had one job there guys) and he was doing a flip and you can kind of see the moment where this particular Uso is like "well these fuckers have failed me" and he just tucks his chin and dies. That was *awful* and these cretins are like YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP which while literally true is not a useful sentiment. lol wrestling fans are awful like "hey wrestling fans I have contracted HIV from a blood transfusion this is devastating for me and my family" YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP anyway the Usos win this one and good for them; they seem nice.

Renee Young, who is an angel of some kind, hosts a panel consisting of Booker T and two guys I don't know about but I really like Booker T and what is it about Renee Young that makes her such a compelling person telling us about wrestling? Like of course she is beautiful but the world is full of beautiful people who one simply cannot stand, perhaps in no small part because of that very beauty (who can say). But she is super charming! She is a skilled broadcaster who should have a better life than this.

There is a dumb sketch backstage with Noble and Mercury talking about an app of some kind JESUS CHRIST SETH ROLLINS JUST THREW AN iPAD that is the most decadent thing I have ever seen.

Let me pause here to note that live in attendance in Philadelphia are my e-bros GOUT DRACULA, BIG WHITE TOSH, and MUCHMOMENTUM and let me also say what is up e-bros please know that I value your friendship and hope that you enjoy your night!

In further tag-team action we have the Bella twins against Natty "The Anvil" Natalya and alt-wrestlegoth Paige and I am sure this has occurred to all kinds of people so I am not claiming any originality of thought or vision here but wouldn't it be quite a thing if they shot a men's match from the same angles and with the same male gazey emphases they put on the women's matches in some kind of grappling Hawkeye initiative or project or whatever that was called? Like what if Randy Orton's crotch was shot as lovingly as that of a Bella's? Wouldn't that be, as I have mentioned already, quite something? I think Paige's gimmick of being a sexual predator of some kind works pretty well though. Natty is a really good wrestler I think. I saw her at the historic Halifax Forum where, as you know Leo Burke challenged for the NWA World Championship in yore-days, and she had a good match with maybe A. J. Lee? Who is also good! lol you can feel the camera dude's throbbing dickboner as Nikki Bella goes for the pin; this is absurd. Brie really lays those knees into Natty against the ropes though jesus. Hey remember how good Stephanie MacMahon was in that match vs. a Bella? I don't see much WWE wrestling (just a little bit after judo on ppv Sundays) but I saw that one and it was kind of great. Steph GETS IT which is perhaps unsurprising. HAHAHA OK WOAH WHAT A FINISH so ok Brie hauls Paige off the apron to prevent the "hot tag" from Natalya and it is quite a spill and then Nikki *clubbers the shit* out of Natalya with a forearm that goes totally unacknowledged on commentary but which is some real live strong style shit like MISAWAAAAAAA or something where the FVKK did that come from my god

There is a bit of break here so whilst on the topic of STRONG STYLE why not pause for a moment to hail its king, Shinsuke Nakamura, whose glory I have but newly begun to bathe in. Like, I had been aware of Shinsuke Nakamura, somewhat-bland-but-reasonably-effective shooter from years ago -- I have seen a couple shootz & also the Lesnar IWGP match for example -- but it was not until Wrestle Kingdom 9, which really & truly was a wrestling kingdom, that I was exposed to contemporary murder-fop Shinsuke Nakamura, who might very well be our swagmost human. I found a dailymotion playlist of all of Shinsuke Nakamura's matches from the G1 this year, and in those matches it is clear to me that Shinsuke Nakamura is the best wrestler in the world and also utterly fascinating to the extent to which he resists theorization. (Go ahead: try to theorize him.) There is a video from just last weekend where he is dancing around with a Japanese kids pop group called TEMPURA KIDS and it is a singular performance, in which, although he is into it and commits to the performance -- he is not aloof, exactly -- he is plainly not thirsty for it, you know? It is a fine line and one he toes not just in the world of Japanese children's synthpop but also on the mat. I have taken to having recent NJPW matches on in the background whilst I translate medieval epic poetry (only god can judge me) and while there are a *tonne* of amazing grappledöødz in contemporary NJPW, none of them are close to Nakamura imo, not even Tanashi (the most cheerable wrestler ever? how is that air guitar shit not cheesy as fvkk? idk! idk!) or Okada (such aaaaaaarogance) or Ishii (STONE PITBULL). ANYWAY, my bros NICK and MURPH, staunch proponents of contemporary NJPW, will be rolling their eyes at this johnny-come-lately shit (actually they probably won't because they are both super nice) but man I have seen the light. Go watch all the 2014 G1 CLIMAX matches on dailymotion; they are better than anything (pretendfighting division).

PRE-RECORDED COMMENTS FROM ROYAL RUMBLE PARTICIPANTS alright I always love these here we go: ugh Roman Reign is such a *dôòf* now how did this even happen (remember at Survivor Series or whatever when he was like "I'm gonna uh be the first to uh Royal uh win uh wrestling? Buh-leeeve that") and he also encourages us here to buh-leeeve that which idk about you but there are some serious Kris-Kross resonances there that are not the toughest sounding (r.i.p. Kris-Kross I am not blaming you lil guys) and what the hell man why not go full AND YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTERRRR if you are going for that feel; Gold & Stardust are tremendous is my view; Rusev and Lana are A Great Act and I heard recently they are an IRL item which is great because they both seem nice; the Miz and Mizdow are up to shenanigans lol; the Big Show claims to not be mortal but instead a giant and in fact a motivated giant (wut); Fandango is bringing serious handsomeness to his assertions regarding the sheer power of the tango (who are we to doubt it); DANIEL BRYAN's beard looks way dried out and he should as a first step shampoo it less and lol he is doing the tiniest "YES YES YES" cheer so his arms don't go outside the frame of the shot or my god is that how high his arms go now?

The official song of the Royal Rumble comes to us from Danko Jones of all people and he is a mainstay of below-the-radar-and-not-actually-good Canadian rock and roll since like the late 90s I guess. The only person I ever knew who really liked Danko Jones a lot wrote a really long song called "The Annapolis Valley" that began "I used to live in the Annapolis Valley" and it went on from there for one hell of a long time (solid guy, nice guy). Danko Jones wrote a terrible article about Burzum one time, let me find it while this actually thrilling promotional video for the WWE Championship match runs . . . yeah ok here it is: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/danko-jones/burzum-racist-heavy-metal_b_4266735.html

BRRRRRRRRRRRR YABBA DOOOOOO it is John Cena! I like John Cena plenty but I respect the melodious "John Cena suuuuuuucks" Philadelphia crowd singalong right now ("it's not a fvkkn singalong unless you bring the weed along," Drake once argued). Hahaha yeeeeeeaaahhhh John Cena's canvas belt around his jorts reads HUSTLE LOYALTY RESPECT; such is the extent of his commitment to those ideals and things. This crowd is pretty excited for Seth Rollins as well they should be he is great! And, as my friend Bill has suggested, a giraffe who does crossfit. Here comes Brock Lesnar and man this could be really good! I don't really like triple-threat matches actually but there are exceptions and these three guys are actually all kind of exceptional in their own way (even John Cena you goons). Old-timey ring introductions once the competitors are in the ring are great but a world championship belt that looks like a Jostens class ring is not great but whatever man the crowd is ready and so is referee Mike Chioda and so am I!

lol german suplex maybe eight seconds in or something, poor John Cena. Do you remember all those German suplexes at The Summerslam? Of course you do. Aaaand there is another one. AAAAAAAND a double german suplex on Seth's lil cronies this is *great.* There's one for Rollins. And another one for John Cena. My god. This is like a Kurt Angle match except the suplexes mean something haha! Vertical suplex on Cena except he just like, fvkkn, chucked him at the end instead of dropping him straight down. German suplex on Rollins, and another chucking vertical suplex to Cena, and another to Rollins. THESE ARE THE ONLY MOVES HE IS DOING LIKE HE ISN'T EVEN PUNCHING OR ANYTHING. Lesnar has the gyaku ude garami aka the Kimura (so named by the Gracies in tribute to judo great Masohika Kimura obvsly) from do-ōsae (or "guard" if you are revolting (lol j/k ur not revolting)) which is *the very same hold* he wrecked Triple H's arm with in what was iirc Lesnar's first match back after his foray into the plainly lesser sport of mixed martial arts? Holy cow Cena just stands up with Brock Lesnar all over him like it is no big deal then Seth Rollins comes in with this like springboard knee off the ropes to Brock's head *like a fvkkn maniac* and this match is GOOD and it has been what like three minutes?

You can boo John Cena but you are only booing the best part of yourselves, Philadelphia.

Attitude Adjustment to Lesnar! That was surprising. Kicked out at one from the Rollins cover. Man what is the deal with these vertical suplexes where he just fvkkn chucks guys? Has he always done this and I have somehow forgotten? JBL suggests that Brock Lesnar is the closest thing this world has even seen to a pure gladiator which is probably true except for all the gladiators JBL *gosh*. John Cena is *taking it* to Seth Rollins AH HA Seth Rollins tried a kick from the u-can't-see me position but Cena caught it and tried the STF I guess but Rollins got the ropes BUT Cena just yanked him off and went for another five-knuckle shuffle HOWEVER lol Lesnar snuck in on little cat's feet and german suplexed the shit out of him until Rollins kicked Brock *really* hard. 

I think John Cena did a Falcon Arrow? Or a Michinoku Driver or something? I would consult Fire Pro right now to get to the taxonomic bottom of this but there is no time THERE IS NO TIME this match is tremendous. Seth Rollins has a flippy neckbreaker of the ropes that I like! AAAAHAHAHA F5 FROM A SETH ROLLINS SPRINGBOARDING SOMETHING MY GOD I mean Cena broke up the pin but man that was great what is even happening these are such MØøVZ and lol ok Lesnar clears off the Spanish announce table and he does it with such uncommon *fury* but now he is getting Attitude Adjusted three times in a row but no big deal Brock Lesnar kicks out of stuff like that no problem and also from a Seth Rollins curbstomp (man that name is awfully vivid isn't it) and while I don't really like THIS IS AWESOME chants all that much because I think the actual pronunciation of that should be YAAAAAAYYYYYY I get it in this instance I do I get it.

EVERYTHING THEY ARE DOING IS GREAT like for example John Cena just tackled Brock Lesnar through a barricade and that sounds pretty standard maybe but it didn't look standard and what is I guess even more important it didn't *feel* standard it felt fvkkn *real* and now Paul E. Heymanously scurries and scampers away as Cena drives Lesnar into the stairs and clubbers him with those selfsame stairs until Lesnar is laid out on the table OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK  SETH ROLLINS JUST DID THE BEST THING TO HIM HE JUST FUCKINNNNNNG FLEWWWWWW THROUGH THE AIR WITH THE BEST THING ANYONE HAS EVER DONE TO A GUY ON A TABLE MY GOD like I don't even know why that was so great I mean it was a splashy elbow or an elbowy splash but it just looked incredible and now everyone has died r.i.p. everyone you died doing what you loved pretending to fight for money.

Lesnar looks well and truly out of it for a while and ahahahaa John Cena powerbombs Seth Rollins but instead of just pinning him in the conventional post-powerbomb way Cena passes the legs and pins from the side and I swear to you I FVKKN SWEAR TO YOU I am CERTAIN he did it that way because he thought to do otherwise would look gay *I am so certain of this you have no idea*

Rollins powerbombs Cena into the turnbuckles in the first move in this entire match that did not end up quite as gnar as one might hope but it was still ok. 

It is a small mercy but a mercy nevertheless that they just call it an STF rather than an STFU when Cena does the stepover-toehold-facelock and ok there is a stretcher out for Lesnar and now Rollins' lil buddies have come in to assist him in powerbombing Cena and now everyone is taking a well deserved breather because yeesh man and ok now Rollins takes a run at Cena with an extremely battered money-in-the-bank briefcase but misses and yesssssss Cena does that double Attitude Adjustment he can do with both of the lil cronies up at the same time (this is only possible because John Cena is YOLKED)

WHAT IN THE FVKK SETH ROLLINS JUST DID A PHOENIX SPLASH IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL IT WHEN FMW ACE HAYABUSA WOULD DO THAT BEFORE HE MURDERED HIMSELF WITH A LIONSAULT MY GOD AND LIKE ROLLINS MISSED IT A TINY BIT SO IT WAS LIKE A PHOENIX HEADBUTT WhAT THe FVVVVVVKKKK but lol that isn't the finish because Lesnar has com back like Lazarus except only for endless suplexes and Rollins FLIPS OUT OF ONE and cranks him with the briefcase a couple times but it is nbd for Lesnar who F5s him and wins nbd best match ever

"Holy crap this is unbelievable," is Jerry "The King" Lawler's take on this match and it is mine also. This was the best triple-threat match I know about and I am not saying that to damn with faint praise or anything because I usually don't like them; this was one of the best WWE matches in forever and do you know what is crazy? This was better than anyone could have reasonably expected and it might not even be as good as *two* of the matches on Wrestle Kingdom 9 which is to say you should go watch Wrestle Kingdom 9 sometime and then figure out which of these three ridiculously sikk matches is the best match of *January* lol what is going on with all this ridiculous wrestling right now.

Oh hey on that: do you know about Lucha Underground, with with Robert Rodriguez is loosely affiliated? It is really good! And they did this Rumble-esque match a couple weeks ago called AZTEC WARFARE only it was pinfall and submission because what fun is lucha libre without sikk dives and anyway when it aired Herbius Meltz and Bryan Alvarez both declared it the best battle royale they had seen in ages and almost certainly better than anything they would come up with for the Royal Rumble this year and while it was not *exactly* the same kind of deal so it is not the fairest comparison it was really really good! I however remain optimistic that this will slay.

HEY GUYS HOW ABOUT INSTEAD OF THIS TEDIOUS STATS RUNDOWN (really it is trivia not stats) WE ADD SOME TIME TO THE RUMBLE AND GO TWO MINUTES BETWEEN GRAPPLEDôÓDZ AS GOD INTENDED INSTEAD OF NINETY SECONDS but no I guess not. This is really tedious whereas they should be doing stuff that is exciting right now in my view. Or maybe this is the "cool down" thing because how could you just have exciting thing happen after exciting thing; that would never work (wut's up Wrestle Kingdom 9)

ALRIGHT IT IS TIME TO RUMBLE IT IS TIME TO ROOOOOYYYYYAALLLL RUMBLE LIKE VINCE USED TO SAY and in at number one is Miz which is not exciting and iirc they have done this before with him but when they did so he came out amidst big puffy letter that said AWESOME which was solid. lololol ok JBL has just informed us that there have been two winners from the number one position including hall-of-famer HBK Shawn Michaels in 1995 lol JBL who was the other one and what is his physical address and where exactly are his dogs lol (a horrible crime we shouldn't be laughing). If they are going to allude to his achievements and attainments but refuse to mention his name they should probably just start going with his Fire Pro name like WELL MAGGLE AS U KNOW THERE HAVE BEEN TWO WINNERS FROM THE NUMBER ONE POSITION NAMELY HALL-OF-FAMER SHAWN MAGGLES AND "THE COMPUTER" ROOTS GENOA BACK TO U MAGGLE and number two is R-Truth wow he is still working good for him but what is this dancing around whilst rapping biz like I understand having a rap gimmick but this seems ancient and square like A-RIP-A-DIP-DOOO FELLOWZ LET US GO A-RAPPING and lol he just said whoomp there it is I rest my *fvkknnngggg* case anyway I wish him well. Also worth considering: the Miz's gimmick is that he is in movies well R-Truth iirc (shoot name Ron Killings?) was in The Wrestler although not featured as prominently as say Necro Butcher but I mean who could be.

These guys are doing some stuff but it is whatever. BUBBA RAY DUDLEY? He has been in TNA and called Bully Ray right? I have never watched TNA so I don't know but a person hears things because of the company he keeps! Unshockingly the people of Philadelphia like this a lot! First time in the Royal Rumble for Bubba Ray which is stunning. ugggggghhhhhhhhhhhh waaaaaaaait a minute ok in the absence of D-Von, Bubba Ray has recruited R-Truth to be his black person in lieu of him jeeesus christ that seems shitty and yep ok R-Truth just pitched in on a Dudley Death Drop so yeah his job in this one was to be black; this is grim. Also grim, though less so: Bubba Ray goes TA-BLE TA-BLE to get the crowd chanting table and that doesn't sound that bad but it seemed desperate. 

Anyway Miz and R-Truth are both out now (weren't they partners a lifetime ago?) and in comes Luke Harper who is essentially a murderer in my view like this guy is huge and he moves and he has a gross beard and crazy eyes and the sky is the limit! They do some hitting and stuff until Bray Wyatt comes out with an abbreviated version of his excellent entrance that is still very good. Unsurprisingly Bubba Ray is tossed by these southern gothicists but that was great in that the crowd was thrilled to see him and he managed to not assault any women or use any racial slurs (that made camera). Curtis Axel (son of Mr. Perfect) is next but he gets jumped by the guy with the sheep mask who is now I am told a vintner of some kind and the Wyatt family lies in utter ruin and Wyatt tips his two former cultists out at the same time like *whoot* and that's that.

Things weren't racist enough with the R-Truth-as-D-Von spots so here comes the Boogeyman as another surprise entrant and the recent non-appearance of Mr. Perfect's son reminds us all that the best surprise entrant ever was Mr. Perfect in 2002, that Royalest of Rumbles, when he made it to the final four and the Atlanta crowd was like OH NO FVKK when he was finally eliminated. The Boogeyman and Bray Wyatt try to creep each other out for a lil bit before Bray Wyatt tosses him out and now we have SIN CARA who probably hasn't been Mistico in years but I am not up on things man idk. Bray Wyatt hits his sikkly-named finisher (Sister Abigail) and that's it for Sin Cara he is gone. Bray Wyatt gets on the mic aka *tha stikk* and says OPEN INVITATION but it isn't open; everyone has numbers on lil balls. The best instance of a person saying things on the mic during the rumble is definitely the time CM Punk (who continues to duck the twitter challenges proffered by my e-bros for a CM Punk/KS shoot encounter but this is no surprise as I have actual -- extremely meagre but *actual* verifiable existent credentials in a combat sport which puts me out of that clown's league WHO HAS CLOWN SHOES NOW CM PUNK WHO HAS THEM idk what he mean when he would call Johnny Ace clownshoes tbh) 

I got sidetracked but Zack Ryder is next and his lovable bro persona is indeed lovable: whoo whoo whoo; u know it; but it is not to be and he has already been tossed and lol like a minute and a half too late JBL is like SIN CARA IS SPANISH FOR "YOU'RE ELIMINATED" lol jesus christ JBL get yr head in the game

DOES THE RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES PUT YOU IN MIND OF THE PRE-CHRISTIAN GERMANIC NORTH AS IT DOES ME AS DANIEL BRYAN IS IN AT NUMBER TEN AND THE PEOPLE OF PHILADELPHIA MUCH LIKE THE PEOPLE OF THIS COUCH EXCLUDING DORIS THE CAT WHO DOESN'T GIVE A FVKK ARE READDDDDYYYYYYYY and I think of the various Royal Rumble *feelings* one has, maybe the best one is when a SERIOUS CONTENDER makes their way to the ring man oh man that is an exciting thing by which I mean *this* is an exciting thing and Daniel Bryan kind of has his hair in HBK-style perhaps as a tribute to his mentor? 

Bryan and Bray Wyatt go like hell for a little while until Fandango comes in (what of his music everybody would sing to? what of it?) and then it is Bryan and Fandango while Bray takes it sleazy in a corner. Tyson Kidd is in next and I have have heard his gimmick is that he likes cats? Solid gimmick imo. Not a lot going on here as we are weirdly kind of into mid-Rumble doldrums already. Here comes Stardust and I support Cody Rhodes in every iteration. Some skin-the-cats are cat-skinned in the mode of Ricky Steamboat and then Daniel Bryan backdrops Tyson Kidd out wwwwaaaaaiiiit why is Daniel Bryan suicide diving through the middle ropes onto Bray Wyatt doesn't he have a neck made of finest porcelains now

DDP is out next yes it is Diamond Dallas Page in a DDP Yoga shirt and jeans tucked into black wrestling boots and that sounds like a mess but looks *turnt* and while DDP looks about sixty it is worth noting that he looked about sixty when he was like thirty-five so DDP Yoga is a shoot imo. DIAMOND CUTTERZ to both Fandango and Bray Wyatt which while awesome will steal the thunder from a returning Randy Orton and his RsKO unless I guess he isn't returning? And what of Sheamus, I ask, and his hossing? Rusev is in next and he puts his flag in a lil stand and Lana has this look on just this *look* and he is ready to go.

DANIEL BRYAN IS KICKING RUSEV AND BRAY WYATT REALLY HARD wait what bray wyatt just like shoved daniel bryan gently and daniel bryan is out wtf happened uuuughhhhhh wut is this they are not gonna do this again jesus this is even worse than not having him in man they are gonna go with reigns aren't they there isn't anybody else maybe rusev jesus christ

Goldust is in and he is great but this isn't the time Goldust this isn't the time 

lol I feel so awful right now and then I feel ridiculous for feeling awful right now so this is a great way to feel and be lol I stink

WELL IT IS QUITE A SELECTION OF SHITTY GUYS NOBODY WANTS TO WIN IN THERE RIGHT NOW and while that isn't actually fair it is how I feel right now this is garrrrrrbage and now here is Kofi Kingston who doesn't have that I HEAR DEM CRYYYYINNNNN song anymore which is too bad but he'll do something great soon I guess NOT THAT IT MATTERS I HATE THIS ok here comes Adam Rose whose gimmick is he has all the E or something and oh ok Adam Rose is gone fast but also he has a bunch of party ppl with him and these party people catch Kofi on his way to the floor and then set him back in THAT WASN'T EVEN GOOD and now he is out anyway so who cares even a little and the crowd is so flat right now and that is how I feel too like there is plenty of booing but mostly the crowd is just like WHY WOULD THIS BE; LIKE FOR WHAT REASON 

HERE COMES ROMAN REIGNS AT NUMBER NINETEEN YOU LOVE ROMAN REIGNS YOU LOVE HIM HE HAS NOT SPENT A YEAR BECOMING A DOOF WHO IS EXPOSED AND A DOOF NO YOU LOVE HIM YOU DON'T LOVE DANIEL BRYAN HE ISN'T GOOD ROMAN REIGNS IS GOOD YOU LOVE HIM FOREVER

Roman Reigns enters through the crowd because he is a beloved man of the people (the people all hate him) and he tosses out some guys including Cody Rhodes who is ten times the wrestler Roman Reigns is and subsequently Goldust who is *a thousand million* times the wrestler Roman Reigns is or can ever be. 

god damn it

Big-E Langston is out and throws Rusev with a nice suplex but nobody cares about anything until MIZDOW comes out and the Miz is like no no I should go in but then there are shenanigans and Mizdow goes in and gets tossed by Rusev and then more Mizdow/Miz comedy which is fine but the booing continues in earnest.

Here is Jack Swagger who I have always enjoyed but he doesn't have Zeb Coulter coming out with hilarious racist (hilaracist?) signs so that's too bad for him and for everybody really. 

ROMAN REIGNS IS GOING TO WIN WHY DON'T WE ALL JUST GO HOME except I am home so there is nowhere else for me to go

RYBACK IS HERE WITH A SATCHEL OF BODYBUILDING DRUGS and actually he has been ok in Royal Rumbles so I will not prejudge this. Ok further evidence that Rusev gets it: he is hugging the bottom and middle ropes like a coward despite being a humongous monster which demonstrates real commitment to being a loathsome heel nobody could every possibly like even a little. GOOD JOB RUSEV. People are chanting for CM Punk because of things CM Punk said about Ryback on Colt Cabana's podcast; what an age.

*BWOOF* it is Kane although in truth there is now BWOOFLAME this year just Kane in some pants. He is still Corporate Kane then? The crowd continues to not care.

OK SO Dean Ambrose is probably our only (admittedly incredibly slim) chance for somebody other than Roman Reigns to win this thing and the crowd seems to appreciate this fact immediately and they are with him for about twenty seconds until they all just remember how sad they are and they stop cheering him or really anything and you know what they aren't even *counting down* with any real enthusiasm and that is *dark.*

I don't know who Titus O'Neil is but he comes out to something resembling a trap beat so I am in and he is full of such bluster and moment on his way in that he is probably lol yyyyyyyyep he was eliminated in seconds that was the whole point of his bluster. Two things will get you tossed from a Royal Rumble with a quickness: being full of bluster as you come down the aisle, or being black, and Titus O'Neil was both, so there you go. Hey if you were wondering about Vince and racism, find the old Bad News Allen shoot interview where he answers the question was Vince ever racist? by arguing that yes actually literally all of the time forever thank you for asking about that.

BAD NEWS BARRETT YYYYYEEEAAAAAHHH I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS FOR YA THIS ROYAL RUMBLE IS AN ASSSSSHOOOOOLLLE but it is uncanny how I was just talking about about Bad News Allen and now here we are, right? Bad News Barrett pretty much has it all and would be killer in New Japan; he should go there, and bring his amazing cape.

NOBODY CARES ABOUT THIS AT ALL AS THE BIG SHOW ENTERS AT NUMBER 29 however please recall if you will how sikk it was a few years ago when like six dudes hit all their finishers on Big Show in a row (that will not happen). 

go to hell they put dolph ziggler in at number thirty how dare you do this to me to us to dolph this isn't right WE ARE NOT GOING TO FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS JUST BECAUSE DOLPH ZIGGLER IS HERE NOW anyway he superkicks some guys including Bad News Barret who has been eliminated. Cesaro too (giant swing first though, tecmo wrestling style)

OK so it doesn't matter but who is left here we've got Ziggler, Big Show, Kane, Wyatt, Reigns, Ambrose, and lol jesus christ ok so Ziggler comes off the top and Big Show hits him with a *knockout punch* and then Kane and Big Show pick him up and ever so gingerly set him outside the ring like *boop* and then they do the same pretty much with Bray Wyatt  *boop* and our final four consists of Big Show and Kane and Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose and there is just booing, just the sourest booing. Roman Reigns is bleeding and idk if anyone in the crowd has noticed but if they have they would probably be like GOOD which is uncharitable but I bet that is what they would be like. All kinds of chokeslams. And there goes Dean Ambrose *boop*

I hate this so much

The chant at this point is "bullshit" which is good but I like all the booing better and lol yeah here comes the booing as Roman Reigns starts his little comeback look pal if I wanted to see superman punches I would watch the utterly brilliant A.J. Styles either in the context of NJPW or at the historic Halifax Forum where he came for a couple of indie matches last summer and proved himself to be among the best in the world at disingenuous grappling and ok Reigns has tipped Kane and Big Show out A GIANT SLAIN LET US BUILD IN ST. MICHEAL'S NAME A CHURCH ATOP THE MARK WHERE HE FELL idk I am just old-fashioned about stuff like that and everybody is just booing and now they are chanting we want Rusev?

THE ROCK OK IT IS THE ROCK and we all knew he was in Philadelphia because of the handsome picture he tweeted so this is something but actually it is probably an affront because the idea here is ok we know you might not be wild about Roman Reigns but you all like the Rock right? RIGHT?

WELL OF COURSE WE LIKE THE ROCK THAT ISN'T THE POINT and now I guess Rusev was never eliminated so he is back in for a sec before Reigns tosses him out? lol what was he doing, just laying down for twenty minutes? I totally did not notice that. Is Sting mb here?  

The Rock is in there to raise Roman Reigns' hand but the whole situation is an affront and say what you will but the people of Philadelphia are remaining true to themselves here and can you say the same of our yourself and also consider the idea that chastity is not about being puritanical it is about the body remaining in the soul's keeping so the Philadelphia crowd could rightly be described as chaste here imo

AAAAHHAHAHAHAHAA THE ROCK HAS SUCH A LOOK ON HIS FACE I WILL USE THE SNIP TOOL AND LET THIS STAND FOR ALL ETERNITY ATOP THIS POST

MY FEELINGS ARE REALLY HURT AND WHAT ELSE DO WE HAVE BUT OUR FEELINGS SEE YOU NEXT YEAR WORST ROYAL RUMBLE EVER

2014 ROYAL RUMBLE

THE PEOPLE DEMANDED IT

OMG LET SLIP THE DOGS OF PRETENDING TO FIGHT IT IS TIME TO RUMBLE IT IS TIME TO ROOOOOOYAL RUMBLE IT IS TIME TO TWO THOUSAND FOURTEEEEEEEEN ROOOOOOYAL RUMBLE I WAS SO EAGER TO GET HOME TO WATCH THIS AFTER JUDO THAT I INADVERTENTLY BACKED INTO THE SNOWBANK BESIDE MY DRIVEWAY ALSO I BEEPED THE HORN A LITTLE BY MISTAKE MAYBE INSTEAD OF RUSHING LIKE THAT I SHOULD HAVE JUST COME STRAIGHT HOME FROM JUDO AND NOT STOPPED FOR TREATS AT THE GAS STATION YEEEEEEEEAHHHHHH DANIEL BRYAN CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP DANIEL BRYAN CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH WHY AM I NOT WEARING THE DANIEL BRYAN SHIRT I SENT AWAY FOR WITH THE TAPED-UP HANDS FOR GRAPPLING ON IT YEEEAAAHH TAPED-UP GRAPPLING CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP TAPED-UP GRAPPLING CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP

THEN/NOW/FOREVER it says as it shows different wrestlers from then and now arguably forever (who can say) as they play some chords on the piano to give you a feeling and then a weighty voice suggests to us WE ALL HAVE DESIRES WE ALL DREAM TO REACH PLACES ONLY A FEW HAVE BEEN OF MOMENTS THAT COULD MAKE US IMMORTAL SOMETIMES THE ONLY THING BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS DREAM IS BUT A SMALL AND SEEMINGLY INSIGNIFICANT DISTANCE A THIN LINE BETWEEN ALMOST AND EVERYTHING ON THIS NIGHT TWO MEN CONTINUE TO REDEFINE THE FUTURE IN WHAT MIGHT BE THE BIGGEST REMATCH IN WWE HISTORY ADDING ANOTHER PAGE TO THIS STORIED RIVALRY AND WHEN THEIR BATTLE IS OVER ANOTHER WILL BE WAITING ON THIS NIGHT AS THIRTY SUPERSTARS FACE AN UNPREDICTABLE AND CAREER-DEFINING MOMENT AN ANIMAL RETURNS ALL FOR THE RARE OPPORTUNITY AT GLORY EVERY OPPORTUNITY HAS A BEGINNING EVERY LEGACY STARTS WITH A DREAM AND TONIGHT NO DREAM IS TOO BIG TONIGHT THE ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA BEGINS and lol the guy said that all so weightily that I could type that whole thing out as he said it which is pretty remarkable because I am not a particularly fast typer or anything that is just how weighty things got for a minute there. 

HERE WE ARE IN PITTSBURGH HERE AND GOTT IN HEIMEL IT IS THE RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES DOES THAT NOT PUT YOU DEEPLY IN MIND OF THE PRE-CHRISTIAN GERMANIC NORTH IT IS DANIEL BRYAN lol holy shit people love Daniel Bryan don't they and in this respect I am most assuredly people and on commentary we have Micheal Cole who I guess I am still surprised is no longer heel Micheal Cole even though that was probably years ago now I don't remember also we have Jerry "The King" Lawler as a vestige of the feudal order in all the complexity of its social modalities and also JBL who has already made fun of fat kids which is mean but there is an obesity epidemic so maybe this makes him a tweener? I haven't watched any wrestling since (the) Summerslam really but (the) Summerslam had a couple of pretty sick matches like Brock Lesnar vs. CM Punk and also oh yeah Daniel Bryan vs. John Cena in pretty much the best match and Daniel Bryan won and everything but then Randy Orton came out and ruined it in league with Triple H and even more than I hate power I hate those complicit with power because it is just sickening. On this night Daniel Bryan continues his feud with the southern gothic Wyatt family and the real insight of the whole Wyatt family situation is that yeah the country is kvlt as fvkk like there are weird things that happen in the country even if you don't wear sheep masks and coveralls but that especially happen if you do. This guy is Bray Wyatt specifically and he is kind of a big hairy tub of goo under whose sway I gather Daniel Bryan fell for a time but out from under whose sway he has since been liberated when it turned out he still had his standard wrestling gear on under his coveralls. 

I am told that #NewAgeOutlaws is trending on twitter because on the Royal Rumble kickoff show they won the tag team titles and people are happy about it but in this respect I am in no way people because I haaaaaate what has come to be known as the Attitude Era because it was in truth awful like go back and watch the 1998 or 1999 Royal Rumbles and you will find that no matter how enormous a boner you had for misogyny at the time those are just not good Royal Rumbles to watch at all. The only positive association I have with the New Age Outlaws is that my brother exclusively like exclusively played as Mr. Ass in the context of n64 wrestling games and would perform his ass-based taunts frequently but judiciously; it would always work in terms of storytelling and ring psychology. 

This match is awesome, as Daniel Bryan is doing a lot of his really good moves and the crowd is as into it as can be and Bray Wyatt might be a tub of goo but he is a first-rate tub of goo and has this Jake "The Snake" Roberts intensity to the weird things he says to people. And now Daniel Bryan is pretending that he has a concussion after having his head wanged off the ring post but you can tell that it isn't a real concussion because the announcers are talking about how Daniel Bryan has recently had a concussion and might have another one here so it isn't a real one this time for real unless it is and I am lost in metatextuality and hoooooolllly shiiiiiiit Bray Wyatt just did this thing where he bridged over and creepy crawled his way out of the corner it was disturbing as helllllllll I wonder if anybody made a gif of that lol yeah my friend Bill did and you need to see it: 

wuuuuuut the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck is thaaaaaaaaaaaat lol this guy is a genius also that is not the only great thing my friend Bill did in relation to the Royal Rumble for example he made a joke about how in France they call the Royal Rumble the Royale with Men and that joke is legit imo that joke is official. As is this opening match! I don't know how hard these guys are actually hitting each other but it seems like they are hitting each other really really hard and all of the non-hitting parts of the match are super intense also like the holds and the moving around and just their ways and notions but also yeah the hitting. Like for instance, Daniel Bryan was just clotheslined with such ferocity that I was like OH SHIT despite having seen I don't know like thousands of clotheslines? Think about how many of those you have seen but this is a top 1% clothesline that just happened. Also it would seem Bray Wyatt's finishing move is called Sister Abigail? Can that be right? That is an amazing name for a wrestling move, like an all-time great name, and the move is itself reasonably gnar, particularly when it slams a dude's head into the barricade on the outside; it is a twisting move that drives a dude's face into things I guess and woah ok he kisses Daniel Bryan before he does it again and that is the match and the crowd is silent only moments after a pretty serious this-is-awesome chant and I am with them in both voiced enthusiasm and awed silence; that was wild. SOUTHERN GOTHIC CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP SOUTHERN GOTHIC CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP

Ben Roethlisberger is in the building ladies and gentleman hide your divas hahahahaha it is no laughing matter actually that guy is a monster maybe

A panel has been convened consisting of Ric Flair, Shawn Michaels and Hacksaw "Jim" Duggan and Duggan looks really really good which is not what I would necessarily have expected given the fact that he existed in the 1980s and knew the Iron Shiek and those guys.

Up next is Brock Lesnar vs. the Big Show and I don't like Big Show matches at all but shoot-style Brock Lesnar is good-style Brock Lesnar in my view so who knows what to expect here ok lol this is already great as under Paul E. Heymanously's direction Brock Lesnar is wailing on the Big Show with a chair before the match has even begun so he can't be disqualified but this is nevertheless a pretty clear trespass against the spirit of the rules if not the letter. An assemblage of video clips prior to the match revealed that Brock Lesnar has been shook in recent weeks by the extent to which the Big Show has been able to toss him around owing in no small part to the glandular disorder that has defined Paul Wight's professional life. Ah I see so just as the bell rang to begin the match, Lesnar attempted to strike him with a chair once more but his assault was cut short by a right hand to the maw that sends Lesnar reeling which is I guess in keeping with Lesnar's shoot-style as whilst shooting we learned that Lesnar does not like getting hit in the face *at all* which I do not say as a diss because I feel the same way entirely. Big Show is swearing A LOT in this match and they are muting him but the guy with the Pirates hat and the purple Macho Man shirt ringside is standing up and loving the shit out of every one of those swears. Woah this match is already over as Lesnar hits his F5 super spinny fireman's carry manoeuvre which is no mean feat against a man of the Big Show's carriage and that's the match but Lesnar is affecting a glassy-eyed stare that suggests he is still basically out from the punch; that is really good. And now many more chair shots. Not much happened in this match from like a MOVEZ perspective I guess but I really liked it! Brock Lesnar just pushed the referee extremely hard like if there is any other pushing that rises to that level in the remainder of this Royal Rumble show I will be surprised, impressed, and grateful. JBL thinks Lesnar has crossed the line in his post-match enmuggening of the Big Show in which bits of steel chair have actually broken off the steel chair, and he reminds us that the Big Show has a family to support but maybe his good lady wife is the primary earner in that household have you even considered that. 

There is an ad for getting your taxes done by people.

Rollins and and Ambrose and Reigns of the Shield are now on the screen talking directly into the camera about how they are feeling about tonight's Royal Rumble match and at first they seem united but then dissension rears its fangèd head and I like this because it harkens back to the time when there were always videos about wrestlers' feelings about the Royal Rumble match; I hope there are many more of these to follow! Oh ok no it is instead a dumb interview with Randy Orton who is dumb. I have no doubt mentioned to you previously that I was live in attendance at (the) Summerslam in Toronto where Randy Orton became the youngest world's champion by defeating Chris Benoit in an era prior to dogs even being anywhere near the enclosed pool area and it was a pretty good match but at the time I was a little sad that Benoit lost but eventually he would do things arguably even sadder so perspective is important.

2 Chainz and Wiz Khalifa "We Own It" is the official song of this Royal Rumble.

A video package shows elements of the ongoing conflict between Randy Orton and John Cena including how Randy Orton punched John Cena's dad after Orton lost a non-title match against Kofi Kingston? Whatever, Randy Orton is dumb I hate him. Also why are they talking about him being the first guy to unite the titles but like what of Y2J that guy was the best and he should come out and codebreaker fools imo hahahahah yeaaaaah coooodebreakerrrrrrr is he gonna be in this one? JBL suggests that if you could build a sports entertainer from the ground up it would look like Randy Orton whereas I think you would build one whose beard parts connected better. However much I dislike Randy Orton (it is a lot) I think it is nonsense that he comes out before John Cena and if your view is that the order of the ring introductions or rather the *entrances* does not matter so long as the old-timey *in-ring* ring introductions are handled in the correct order then we just disagree on this issue my friend because it ALL matters. Also let me just say straight up that I like John Cena and I want him to win. My sincere hope here is that Randy Orton's time is up and John Cena's time is now; that Randy Orton can't see John Cena, because John Cena's time is now.

DANIEL BRYAN CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP is how the crowd greets this heavyweight title tilt and I agree with that very much but they are booing and chanting BORING less than a minute in which idk if that is appropriate but now the chants have turned to the dueling LET'S GO CENA/CENA SUCKS which are great lololol ok they are right back to DANIEL BRYAN CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP YES YES YES YES. JBL acknowledges the Daniel Bryan chants and says he is not sure the crowd realizes Daniel Bryan wrestled in the first match and lost but I am pretty sure that is exactly what they realize JBL. Micheal Cole says that Randy Orton has made it abundantly clear that he cares about no one but himself and that's true he is just so smug. I believe there was a RANDY SAVAGE CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP chant which is always decorous in my view and yeeeeeeeeeeah Y2J Y2J is the chant lol yeah codebreakers for everybody imo get that guy out here for fvkkn codebreakerzzzzzzzzz also the crowd is not interested in this match. This is not a bad match or anything I don't think but how many times have these guys wrestled, it has to be a lot, right? I am watching this and thinking yeah ok this is an alright wrestling match but I guess people who watch this stuff all the time are probably like this is just too many times man too many times. YOU BOTH SUCK YOU BOTH SUCK is a dark chant to chant at a wrestling match and I don't know if I would every do it.

Randy Orton might be smug but he gets really low and deep on that powerslam he does when the guy comes off the ropes and thinking about it more maybe that is actually *why* he is so smug it is hard to say. Yeah this is really not a bad match and these wrestlers are wrestling hard at each other but the crowd will not engage with it in earnest; they are just like well whoever wins it will be champion or whatever. I can't blame them, I guess, in that whatever. REF BUMP REF BUMP REF BUMP OMG RANDY ORTON TAPPED TO A STEPOVER TOEHOLD FACELOCK BUT THERE WAS NO ONE THERE TO END THE MATCH OFFICIALLY AND RANDY ORTON GOT UP AND HIT JOHN CENA WITH THE BELT BUT THERE WAS NO ONE THERE TO END THE MATCH OFFICIALLY and I don't know that I agree with the crowd that THIS IS AWFUL CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP but I am definitely like IT'S PRO FORMA CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP IT'S PRO FORMA CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. Finishing moves and kickouts at twooooo are being exchanged. There is now a WE WANT DIVAS CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP chant that one assumes was started by Ben Roethlisberger hahahahahaha actually that's not funny what if he really hurts people and their lives aren't the same after. 

John Cena employs the (formerly crippler) crossface, a grim hold, before yet more finishing moves are exchanged, indeed each man's *opponent's* finishing moves are exchanged and whatever or something. The crowd is now taking this much more seriously at this point than I am oh ok wait the power is out UNDERTAKER? no it is the Wyatt family who just show up and stand there for a second and freak John Cena out and Randy Orton hits an RKO for the finish and then after the match the Wyatt family "does a number" on John Cena whilst the assembled throngs chant for Daniel Bryan (who does not appear). They play John Cena's music as he leaves but I have no idea why they would play that in this context as he just lost then got wrestlepummeled so what is there to celebrate exactly.

HEY IT IS THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS these guys are terrible. THE NEXT PPV IS THE ELIMINATION CHAMBER I never watch that one.

Pre-taped comments from Royal Rumble participants! I love these! The Miz is awful! The Usos are good-natured! Fandango is just so full of himself but he is irresistible (he wants to main event the big daaaaaahhhhhhnse)! Big E Langston seems to be trying to get a catchphrase of "that's where it's at" to happen I guess! Batista is back I don't care! Damien Sandow is tremendous he is like ignoramus ignoramus ignoramus miscreant ignoramous! Ryback claims to possess unlimited energy that is kind of a dumb claim I doubt it a lot! Rey Mysterio just said booyaka and I am so tremendously over Rey Mysterio and have been for years who could like him except very small children!

Back to the panel, where Jim Duggan picks Dolph Ziggler (plz plz plz), Shawn Michaels picks either a Shield guy or CM Punk (as long as Punk is a heel he has my support otherwise no he gets too le bad boy and calls too many people "clown shoes"), and Ric Flair picks Batista whose work I have never much cared for though I like that he has recently received his BJJ purple belt good for him belt promotions are super exciting! A good BJJ purple belt is a handful on the ground! 

AND IT IS NOW ENOUGH MESSING AROUND IT IS TIME FOR THE ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH ITSELF BUT BEFORE THAT GETS GOING LET ME SAY THAT THE OPENING MATCH WAS SIIIIKKKKKK AND LESNAR VS. BIG SHOW WAS BETTER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE AND THE CROWD MADE THE TITLE MATCH A METATEXTUAL SPECTACLE SO I AM PRETTY HAPPY WITH THINGS SO FAR AAAAAAAAANNNNNDDDD IN AT NUMBER ONE IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS . . .

CM PUNK who is attired in a simple grey hoodie representing the Gracie Jiu-Jitsu gym at which he trains and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that were I ever entered in the Royal Rumble at all let alone the number one (or two) spots where you get a proper elaborate ring entrance I would definitely wear a hoodie representing my judo club and I would tell all my judo pals that I was in the Royal Rumble and they should watch even if they don't like wrestling because this event is important to me. In at number two is SETH ROLLINS of the Shield and one's thoughts turn to how on a previous Royal Rumble show (indeed the previous year's show) the Shield interfered on CM Punk's behalf against the Rock and when the commentators were yelling at Punk that the Shield had cheated on his behalf he was like "the Shield?" like he had never heard of him and it was *great.* Punk and Rollins kick each other pretty hard in a solid opening ninety-second interval (I would prefer two minutes but so long as the sixty-second abomination is never repeated I will hold my peace) and while some of Punk's big moves can look a little shitty sometimes there is nothing one can say against his jumping knee in the corner as that move is ideal; the one he hit on Cena in Chicago that they replayed a million times was amaaaaaazing. DAMIEN SANDOW is in at number two but in his exuberance he is back body-dropped over the top by CM Punk not long after young CODY RHODES enters at number four. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA CORPORATE KANE is in at number five wtf is Corporate Kane this is absurd so like he no longer serves the depths of hell he serves like the chief financial officer or something this is stupid well at least he is gone because CM Punk is an anti-corporate figure (you can tell from his anti-corporate tattoos on both of his shoulders). ALEXANDER RUSEV was an Olympic prospect for the Bulgarian powerlifting team which is an obscure credential but one I will certainly accept and he's got deep bellowing music and an old-timey strongman physique and I think this guy is totally alright and would be so in literally any era. Now we have JACK SWAGGER and I have always been strongly pro-Swagger and not just because he used to look a lot like my Aunt Shelagh (less so now that he has gotten kind of scruffy). The Tea Party gimmick is great, and Zeb's "Every 90 Seconds Another Illegal Crosses the Border" sign elicited a chuckle from the vicinity of my couch even though I am an open borders kind of guy! 

S.O.S. I HEAR DEM CRYYYYYIN for KOFI KINGSTON who will no doubt do something awesome but the role of high flying racial or ethnic minority has never really panned out at the highest level and race is fake but lol not in wrestling it isn't. For example, JIMMY USO is in next and because he is Samoan CM Punk's headbutt is ill-advised and he falls. CM Punk is a student of the game so he should know this about Samoans but I believe his character is also essentially a progressive so he is not going to proceed against a Samoan as though race is anything but an arbitrary social construct so yeah he head butts him but it didn't work. AHAHAHAHAHA YEEEEEAAAAHHHHH OK so a bunch of guys dumped Rusev over the top then Kingston gets tossed but *caught* by Rusev who just kind of sets him down on the barricade then Kofi runs and jumps a reallllly long way back into the ring and as neither of his feet (never mind both of them) touched the floor he is good to go! Last year he did that office chair pogo hop thing which was neat too but this was better I think. GOLDUST is number ten, and then DEAN AMBROSE enters to make that two Shield dudes. 

DOLPH ZIGGLER YES DO IT DOLPH ZIGGLER and the crowd loves this guy and they are infinitely right to do so and it is only a matter of time before he bounces around for people in the best way. I love him. He is however a showoff. How is R-TRUTH still working man good for him! He was in The Wrestler although not as much as Necro Butcher! There is no way they would ever put Necro Butcher in one of these is there which is I guess further evidence that you can't trust the system. Oh R-Truth (shoot name Ron Killings, right?) is out already as the Shield got him and also Jimmy Uso a second later ok. Kofi Kingston is hanging by his feet from the bottom rope; he has pulled off Jack Swagger's boot; Jack Swagger has been smote with it.

KEVIN NASH would have to be a surprise entrant I suppose and it occurs to me that Kevin Nash was probably right when he said that his horrible decisions as booker had very little to do with the demise of WCW which really needs to be considered in the broader context of the AOL/Time-Warner merger and a company whose stock value was in complete free fall and stuff like that. There is probably a lot to that argument but also Thursday Night Thunder was unwatchable man it was awful. 

ROMAN REIGNS is up next and let's just get it out in the open: Roman Reigns is beautiful; he is a beautiful man. He has Nathan Explosion hair and icy blue eyes and a very fine but not overwrought physique and if you can't admit that you want to be near him -- for whatever reasons and to whatever ends, but near him -- I don't think you are a serious person with whom I want to discuss ideas. He eliminates a ton of guys in no time, as well he should (of these several guys, I am sorriest to see Ziggler go). His father was Sika of the Wild Samoans and I was about to describe him as a second-generation Samoan but I guess he is probably like a zillion-generation Samoan going all the way back to like outrigger canoes and everything. I am so impressed by the history and pre-history of the Pacific Islands.

THE GREAT KHALI who totally killed a guy while learning how to pretend to fight (uh, don't do it that way?) is in next but the Shield get rid of him and then SHEAMUS comes in and I am totally in favour of Sheamus just because he is neat and yells FELLLLAAAAAA which makes no sense and he was a beast at a house show I went to with my brother at the Halifax Forum (we had a great time and I hope they come back soon). There are actually not that many dudes here right now: we've got the Shield, Punk, Sheamus, stupid idiot dumb THE MIZ who just came in, and yeeeeaaaah FANDANGO who has taken a fairly shitty gimmick with a fairly awesome theme song and has made it just straight-up work man what more can you say he is like the Undertaker of guys with ballroom dancing gimmicks. A solid DANIEL BRYAN chant gets going just before number twenty is called and it is EL TORITO and I don't know anything about this lil fella but he is telling me everything I need to know about him *immediately* which means he is an effective communicator and I not only respect but value what he is bringing to the table right now with all of these hurricanranas however I also value and respect that Roman Reigns has brought these comedy shenanigans to and end by tossing this feisty little guy over the top. ANTONIO CESARO is next and Zeb's sign is even better this time it says YOU COULD TIME IT YOURSELF BUT THEY STOLE YOUR WATCH haahahahaha what does that even mean that is tremendous. Cesaro giant swings dudes like he was that one guy in Tecmo Wrestling who was the only guy I ever finished the game with because everybody else's special move was too hard for me to do and also wasn't it strange that at the end of that game you had to pro-wrestle a demon? Like the only way to surmount this challenge from planar realms? It was great but I did not see it coming at the time and it is no easier to make sense of now.

LUKE HARPER is one of these Wyatt family cultists and damn he is bigger than Sheamus. These cultists are the real deal. The other Uso is number twenty-three and I love these Samoan dudes but I don't see it happening man. JBL points out in response to a question from the King that there have yet to be Royal Rumble winners from every entrance number but *of course* there haven't as their haven't been thirty Royal Rumbles yet DUHHHHHHHHH. JBL is actually the next entrant in the Rumble and I detest the thing where somebody goes from the announce table to the ring and then gets dumped right out. It does nothing for me. I am not opposed to all Royal Rumble comedy shenanigans or anything (I like the nostalgia guys and the occasional El Torito) but this particular thing leaves me cold and thank you Roman Reigns for ending that. Eric Rowan of the Wyatt family is in at like number twenty-five or something we are really getting down to it and this has been more than a little flat for a while but at least the Miz is out now (the Wyatt guys got him). HEY WHERE IS DANIEL BRYAN LET'S GET HIM IN THERE oooooooh shiiiiiiiit it is RYBACK with A SATCHEL OF BODYBUILDING DRUGS and I would never have guessed I would be in to this guy and honestly I am not entirely sure I am but remember how the last Royal Rumble wasn't that great until Ryback got in there and then shit popped off utterly and completely? So I don't know man there are a lot of variables to consider in something like that but I can't write him off completely. ALBERTO DEL RIO comes in at the vaunted number twenty-seven spot which has produced four winners (Big John Studd, Yokozuna, Bret Hart, Steve Austin). I am no less enthusiastic for his tobi-juji-gatame finisher now than I was the day I first saw it; also I have loved him since he threw a guy and broke that guy's arm in a Japanese mixed martial arts match; also he wore a mask and got kicked in the head by Mirko Cro Cop. He has lived, in short, a life. 

This is not really a good Royal Rumble at this point AND HERE IS THE ANIMAL BATISTA and he is getting booed pretty soundly which is maybe because he didn't do the machine gun arms dance with the fireworks and everything that everybody loves (I legitimately do). Batista tosses out Rowan and Ryback. There goes Del Rio, too, so there is really nobody in the ring right now I want to see win the Royal Rumble except I guess Punk but it would seem weird for him to win this year, wouldn't it? BIG E LANGSTON is in and he is the oiliest I have ever seen any professional wrestler in years, like this guy is upsettingly oiled at present. Only one entrant to go and the DANIEL BRYAN and YES chants are off the hoooooooook and then ahahahahahahaha it is REY MYSTERIO and lol everybody is furious, just booing all of Rey Mysterio's shit between moments of chanting DANIEL BRYAN CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP and now it is just a relentless chorus of boos like nobody is giving a shit about any of this right now it is just booing and I am not going to pretend to be above the fray on this one I am spiritbooing the shit out of this also because Daniel Bryan should be winning this Royal Rumble and he isn't even in it THIS IS BULLSHIT WHY WOULD THEY DO IT LIKE THIS and no that is not irony those caps represent my truest feelings unfortunately I am legit sad about this.

All kinds of stuff is happening like for example the crowd goes briefly nuts for Seth Rollins' elimination of Rey Mysterio who has been scapegoated pretty severely here and is being punished by the crowd for his non-Daniel-Bryanness which is understandable yet Rey Mysterio is not singularly in possession of this characteristic so it seems unfair somehow (I don't care though). Dean Ambrose tried to eliminate Roman Reigns which I mean yeah we are at the stage where alliances break down I guess but Roman Reigns turns the the tables a moment later and knocks out the other two Shield dudes as well as Cesaro and the Wyatt guy a moment before so he is going cré in there good for him he is a magnificent beast. 

So that makes it a final four of Roman Reigns, Sheamus, Batista, and CM Punk and this is horrible what are they even doing. It is a finisher fest for a sec with CM Punk seemingly having the upper hand but then ugggghhhhh jeeeeeeeeeesussssssss chriiiiiiist this is dumb they just had Corporate Kane (what is that even) pull CM Punk out over the top and no Daniel Bryan plus this nonsense re: CM Punk is gonna lead to a smark riot man lol like this is as serious an affront to workrate as you can get this is egregious and if there is one thing you don't mess with it is workrate am I right internet people who like wrestling lol I am making light of all of that kind of thing but do not mistake me I really hate that Daniel Bryan isn't in there and Punk was the last guy that it would make sense to have win and now it is Sheamus who won recently and Batista who won a while ago and who the fuck wants to see him in the main event of Wrestlemania and Roman Reigns who is awesome but it's way too soon for him like maybe in a year or two but not now WHAT ARE THEY DOING I DON'T LIKE THIS.

Also let me digress for a moment here and remind you that CM Punk was pulled out by a guy who was already eliminated and if you go back to the 1996 Royal Rumble (a Royal Rumble you can read about on this selfsame blog actually) there was a thing where (the man they call) Vader was eliminated and he came back in and tossed Shawn Michaels way the fuck out of the ring but they were like ok well that doesn't count because Vader was already eliminated so get back in there and do excellent stuff Shawn Michaels; there is also of course the Steve Austin/Bret Hart scenario in 1997; also if you go back to 1992 there was a thing where Randy Savage, in his fury, jumped over the top rope to the floor to handle some biz but they let him back in after like nothing happened because they were like lol Macho Man you are such a character man just do whatever. BUT MY POINT HERE is that that elimination is bullshit and I am not basing this on some abstract sense of order but on ACTUAL ROYAL RUMBLE PRECEDENT and I want to file a protest with the league or something because CM Punk was wrongfully disallowed from continuing in this Royal Rumble ALSO WHERE IS DANIEL BRYAN.

So whatever. Whoever wins this at this point it is dumb as I see it. Reigns has tied the record for most eliminations in a Royal Rumble, and good for him he is neat, but come on. As these three guys regain their feet for the big dash to the finish everybody just boos and keeps on booing. GOOD FOR THEM I HATE THIS. They are chanting NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO while signature moves are being deployed. The Wrestlemania sign gets pointed to and there are yet more boos and instead of chanting "Brogue" along with Sheamus the crowd chants NO NO NO which is pretty choice and then ok Reigns has broken the record as he eliminates Sheamus leaving just two guys in there getting booed for not being Daniel Bryan. The guy in the purple Macho Man shirt has not looked happy for a good long while. The crowd seems to want to get behind Roman Reigns here but they cannot completely forgive him for not being Daniel Bryan; smarklationship status: it's complicated. I think Reigns might have actually gotten hurt a little on a weird Batista spear that caught him on the thigh instead of up around the hips. Reigns spears him back a few moments later but then Batista tosses him out despite nobody giving a shit about Batista or maybe they do I don't actually know anything about this but I stand firmly with the dickhole crowd in Pittsburgh just booing the shit out of everyone with the audacity temerity and utter gall to not be Daniel Bryan. 

Realistically that might not have been the worst Royal Rumble match ever, as there were some mid-90s clunkers to be sure, and also both the 1998 and 1999 Attitude Era ones were just godawful, but this one made me just totally sad for like the last fifteen minutes and like why am I sad watching the Royal Rumble? This is an absurdity and not one that I will soon forget. Looking back at the show overall it was pretty good aside from the abysmal Royal Rumble match but there is little consolation in that I am afraid because the thing that really pulled the show up was THE DANIEL BRYAN MATCH AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH PUT HIM IN THE ROYAL RUMBLE HE IS THE BEST GUY AND BATISTA IS THE WOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSST

In conclusion, though, Batista is the worst. 

2013 ROYAL RUMBLE

IT IS SOMETIMES SAID THAT WRESTLING IS A (PRETEND) SPORT WITHOUT AN OFF-SEASON BUT THAT IS TOTALLY FALSE BECAUSE I DON'T WATCH IT AT ALL BETWEEN LIKE A WEEK AND A HALF AFTER WRESTLEMANIA AND THE ROYAL RUMBLE OF THE FOLLOWING YEAR SO WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU CALL THAT AS WE GATHER HERE UNITED IN OUR ENTHUSIASM AND AFFECTION FOR THIS THE SHINING GOLDEN HALL TO LAST FOR ALL TIME OF WRESTLING SHOWS THE ROYAL RUMBLE I DON'T KNOW ANY OF THE STORIES THAT ARE GOING ON RIGHT NOW BUT HAVE DEEPLY HELD CONVICTIONS ABOUT WHICH GUYS OWN LET'S GOOOOOOO

Let me begin by saying that I am pleased that this first match is for a prestigious championship as big stakes often lead to big performances and let me further say that Alberto Del Rio is tremendous and I have loved him ever since he broke a guy's arm with a throw and then also got kicked in the head in the radically inferior sport of mixed martial arts but I would hasten to add that the Big Show is kind of awful and last-man standing matches don't do very much for me OMG IT IS BRET HART HE IS MY FAVOURITE WRESTLER AND HE IS TELLING ALBERTO DEL RIO HE IS PRETTY MUCH A MEXICAN BRET HART AND THE BIG SHOW IS A BIG TUB OF GOO HE IS PROBABLY RIGHT ON BOTH COUNTS THIS IS GREAT ZOMG HE PUT THE HITMAN GLASSES ON RICARDO THIS IS SUCH A START TO THINGS

(I guess there was a pre-show match but as a busy executive and actually quite possibly the busiest executive I have no time for such trifling matters and I am glad that the generous soul that put this up on youtube has not troubled me with it.) 

Michael Cole who I guess is not doing the heel play-by-play thing that was always awful and never even a little bit OK is not doing that anymore. He is joined by Justin Bradshaw Layfield who showed up with a nice suit one night and all of a sudden wasn't a blackjack or acolyte or whatever anymore but was a force to be reckoned with because of capitalism and also Jerry Lawler is here as a vestige of our feudal past and the social integration it represents in a complicated way. Cole reminds us this match recognizes neither pinfalls nor submissions which is awesome because both of those things are boring and nobody likes them; what the people want to see is guys pretend to be hurt for a long time and then the bell ring. Fundamentally if you find that you are a wrestling match and that you recognize the authority or neither the pinfall nor the submission nor yet the disqualification nor count-out you had really better be the Royal Rumble or I am going to take issue with you and you will probably be dismissive of that and however that plays out in the end we will not have enjoyed our time together.

This match is fine given the constraints that bound it structurally but it is not to my taste except for the parts where Del Rio threatens with his tobi-juji-gatame finishing maneuver or pummels his glandular foe to a chant of SI SI SI which suggests to me that Daniel Bryan is still well liked? I am exceedingly glad if that is the case because he is far and away my favourite wrestler of the right now period. Since we last spoke I watched a number of the Ring of Honour matches contested under his christian name and they were uniformly tremendous; as I have mentioned previously I saw him wrestle in a triple-threat match in Oshawa where he leaned out between the second and middle ropes and yelled at a heckler "I WILL FIGHT YOU RIGHT NOW" in a way that felt timeless and real. It was awesome how he lost in like a minute at Wrestlemania last year and it basically made his career. I have his t-shirt, the one with the taped hands in an s-grip because it speaks to me though in truth I do not wear it. In short, I admire him greatly and find him excellent and wish him every success.

Del Rio and the Big Show are doing all kinds of things that they totally should be doing like hitting each other with chairs and getting thrown off of things and through other things but I am unmoved. Ricardo duct-taped the Big Show to the ropes whilst Del Rio attacked with juji-gatame (or cross arm-breaker if you must) for the win and I mean I guess. 

Cody Rhodes who as I recall is *excellent* at this is paired with Damien Sandow and they are billed as the Rhodes Scholars and I see that Cody Rhodes has spent the time since the previous Royal Rumble crafting a fine moustache which is largely how I have spent the last twelve months as well also I value scholarship. They are here to challenge Team Hell No for the Tag Team Championship and to my delight Team Hell no consists of Kane which is fine but also DANIEL BRYAN who is the best and whose beard is gross as hell and therefore exquisite. 

Daniel Bryan and Cody Rhodes open the match by being tremendous at disingenuous grappling in exactly the fashion I am ready to enjoy. When Kane and Damien Sandow enter the ring I am less into it but I have no real problem with Kane and Sandow I have no feel for either way but I suspect he is way less awesome than for example let's just say Daniel Bryan who just flew betwixt the second and third rope atop his rivals in a way that had a real kind of fuuuuuck uuuuuuu feel to it; it does not feel perfunctory. 

This is probably silly to go on about at length because it is so obvious but Daniel Bryan is the *best* at this right now and I don't even see how anybody else is close.

Is Damien Sandow supposed to be like Dean Douglas? Has there been a story arc about Kane and Daniel Bryan and anger management, am I hearing this right? I am assuming my impressions here are accurate but I really legitimately haven't watched any of this in months; it is not an air I am taking on to seem superior and above the fray. 

It's not great that they don't call it the Lebell Lock any longer when Daniel Bryan secures a crossface from a sankaku-garami (plz consult pg. 200 of Best Judo by Nobuyuki Sato and Isao Inokuma for more on this suite of techniques) but I am pleased to see it is still a finishing maneuver that dudes will tap too; to my relief, it has not been Walls-of-Jericho'd. Unless dudes are back to tapping to that one, too, in which case fine then.

ALRIGHT OK THIS IS WHAT WE ARE HERE FOR IT IS THE ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH ITSELF I WATCHED ALL TWENTY-FIVE OF THESE THIS TIME LAST YEAR AND FORMED OPINIONS ABOUT THEM INDIVIDUALLY BUT NOW THEY ARE ALL JUST ONE BIG AWESOME THING IN MY BRAIN BUT HOW WILL THIS ONE PLAY OUT HOOOOOOOOW?

Dolph Ziggler at number one is a *great* idea and holy smokes he and AJ are kissing like a ton right now. The dramatic possibilities for a lady on wrestling are pretty limited obviously but AJ seems to be pretty good at it if I am remembering the Daniel Bryan stuff of a year ago with any accuracy at all. Dolph Ziggler is a show off, and nobody likes a show off. It's perfect. Things should never be more complicated than that on wrestling, Roland Barthes once argued (he did not). 

JERICHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO holy shit Ziggler and Jericho at one and two is the best one and two since I don't know Demolition or something. The crowd is going nuuuuts which suggests maybe Jericho is a surprise? I didn't know he was away so the impact on me here is less I guess except that I really, really like Jericho because I am a person on the internet and last year I was so sure it was finally his year to win it but alas Sheamus alas alas. I would like Dolph Ziggler and Chris Jericho to wrestle for like fifteen minutes before anybody else comes in but that might not happen. Oh ok so there is a grudge here in that Jericho lost to Ziggler in a loser-leaves-town-esque situation some time ago and this is his first appearance since then. Good job, wrestling! I like that plenty. 

These two guy are the best THE BEST I hope Ziggler in particular stays around for pretty much the whole time and just bounces all over the place for whichever dude comes in and bounces dudes around for a bit before pairing off with somebody in the corner with pushing. 

Cody Rhodes is out and ok awesome awesome awesome Jericho has him in the walls of Jericho of an earlier time the kind you do when you use Jericho on the n64 and it is siiiiiiick. Kofi Kingston has done some cool Royal Rumble things so I welcome his appearance as the number four entrant but I do not like his chances long term as traditionally high fliers do not fair well in this match with the notable exception of Rey Mysterio I suppose. Again, Cody Rhodes has a really nice moustache right now. "Dolph Ziggler's in trouble," Jerry Lawler tells us, and I hope he has cause to say that every twenty seconds all night.

SANTINO! Santino is a genius of a performer, a clown for the ages. I am saddened to see that he is already out however he did get the cobra out, which is unfailingly delightful. I have no doubt mentioned to you that Marella is in fact legit as hell and it is no mistake that every now and again he busts out a killer uchi mata for his way is the gentle way of judo. 

Heath Slater is the dullest guy on that very good cartoony wrestling game that came out a year ago oh wait this is actually Drew McIntyre I guess and that is who I mean with regard to that very good cartoony wrestling game. They are both non-entities and I will not concern myself withe the meaningless distinctions between them. Titus O'Neil? I don't know who he is but maybe he is awesome who knows! Jericho has corner-dropkicked McIntyre out which is for the best. Goldust is a surprise entrant at number eight and goes right after his brother when really solidarity would no doubt serve them both better but there is probably a lot here I don't know. lol ok Michael Cole informs me that Goldust has been very critical of his brother on twitter.

David Otunga who remains built like a god in addition to being a shoot lawyer with a Harvard degree thus shaming us all "hits the ring" as is said and so far let me say that this is a pretty low-key Rumble but I have every confidence that business will pick up considerably in the very near future and I will have a great time. 

OK here is Heath Slater for real this time. I bet the thinks he has great hair but in my view it doesn't really look that cool. I am told that AJ calls Dolph Ziggler "my Ziggy" which is actually what I call him too so that's kind of neat. 

I like Sheamus. He was actually kind of scary when he was a heel, and while he is of course less appealing as a rip-a-dip-doo baby face, I still think he's good. Again, I'm sure I've told you this already, but my brother and I went to a house show at the Halifax Forum (it is historic) and my brother hadn't seen any of this stuff in forever but five minutes into the Sheamus match he was like "who is this magnificent beast" and I have felt much the same way for some time now. A couple of guys are out, Otunga and somebody else you did not expect to win.

Albert is apparently still being Tensai, a semi-Japanese of some kind. It's a living I guess so good for him. I am pleased that Brodus Clay is here but it's totally possible that his charms might be lost on me had I watched him do his dance and whatnot for the last eight months or whatever. It is still fresh enough for me though. 

CODY RHODES HAS ELIMINATED HIS OWN BROTHER FROM THE ROYAL RUMBLE don't act so shocked MIchael Cole. Here's Rey Mysterio in at number fourteen. I'm sure kids love this little fella still but I don't feel that much for him as he does his 619 thing on both Ziggler and Jericho, better men both. I saw a really quite old lady at a wrestling show in Toronto wearing a "wine me dine me 619" t-shirt in probably 2004 or 2005 and I don't feel any better about it now than I did then to be honest.

I know that race is fake and a fraud and nonsense to even talk about but I have no idea how to contextualize my experience of Darren Young without recourse to descriptions involving expectations surrounding race because this dude is seriously confusing to me and weird. Kofi Kingston, by the way, just jumped onto Albert, who had been eliminated, and then onto the announce table, and now he is going to use an office chair to hop his way back to the ring. This is totally what I am here for, thank you for doing that. It is for not, though, as he is soon thereafter dumped from behind by Cody Rhodes. Bo Dallas is in, Darren Young is out. 

The Godfather is a surprise entrant at seventeen and people are pretty into it but I am a feminist so this does nothing for me frankly and I find his appearance here regressive. At least it is short-lived as Dolph Ziggler dropkicks him over and out the moment he arrives. 

I am not trying to be gloomy or anything but as Wade Barrett arrives at number eighteen I regret to inform you that this isn't terrific or anything yet. It's cool that Wade Barrett is Intercontinental Champion, though, because he is pretty good. Who knows what they are doing with that belt these days though. It has not always been Savage and Steamboat, Hart and Hennig, has it friends?

JOHN CENA and it occurs to me that oh actually ok if the Rock beats CM Punk tonight and John Cena wins the Royal Rumble there could totally be a Wrestlemania rematch couldn't there! I wonder if that is what they're going to do! I am not being ironic none of this occurred to me until John Cena came in and got rid of a bunch of guys! Let's see, who do we have here: Cena, Bo Dallas, Barrett, Sheamus, Jericho, Ziggler, Mysterio, and now Damien Sandow. Barrett eliminates Mysterio. I should mention that JBL messed up and was like NOBODY HERE IS ON THEIR FEET when Cena arrived and then was like lol sorry that's not what I meant to say in fact very much the opposite. 

DANIEL BRYAN IS THE BEST WRESTLER CURRENTLY AND HERE HE IS AND HE IS KICKING PEOPLE AND THE CROWD CHANTS YES YES YES YES YES YES YES WITH GREAT VOLUME AND ENTHUSIASM AND I JOIN THEM IN SPIRIT BUT NOT IN MY HOUSE BECAUSE I DO NOT LIVE ALONE AND IT'S LATE AND I HAVE TO RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE YEEEEAHHHH

It's probably old hat but I like the let's go Cena/Cena sucks dueling chants I think it's cool. Antonio Cesaro is in and also he is your United States Champion; he defended this title successfully on the pre-show but again I did not watch it. Here's the Great Khali who legitimately killed a person while learning how to pretend to fight if memory serves. JBL suggests that the Great Khali is a different species so actually I guess he is a legit racist not just a pretend kind like when he did that thing in Germany to get *heat* so let's denounce him. Kane is in, and he is actually way smaller than Khali, like waaaay smaller which is surprising to me. 

I had totally forgotten about Zach Ryder but I like him. OH MY GOODNESS DANIEL BRYAN ELIMINATED KANE FROM BEHIND lol ok then Bryan gets dumped over the top but falls into Kane's arms and they are having a spirited discussion as to whether or not Bryan is to be returned to the ring itself but in the end he is not. That was pretty good!

Randy Orton hears voices in his head they talk to him etc. and he is our next competitor to enter this seriously not-that-great-yet Royal Rumble and he tosses Ryder. I used to have a Flip camera like Ryder used to bring out and it was totally good but I just use my phone now and it's a really cheap phone but the videos are fine unless there isn't much light but at that point forget about it really because how many cameras are good at all like that. Cesaro is out. JBL is making a lot of mistakes.

The Miz is terrible. I have never enjoyed him. Jindar Mahal is out and it would seem I have failed you in that I did not note when he entered. But time is an arrow. Sin Cara is here and I kind of lost track of the Sin Cara situation to such an extent that I don't even know if this is Mistico or not, not that I really know anything about Mistico either, sorry. Bo Dallas has eliminated Wade Barrett which is not Maven v. the Undertaker or anything but still. Wade Barrett does not care for this and plays Hulk Hogan to Bo Dallas' Sid Eudy or whatever.

RYBACK IS A GUY WITH ACCESS TO BODY BUILDING DRUGS WHO IS IN AT NUMBER THIRTY AND I DON'T REALLY GET HIS DEAL OTHER THAN THAT HE CHANTS "FEEEED MEEE MOOOORE" lol codebreaker eat shit everybody chris jericho is aweome OH SHIT he hit a lionsault that never happens and then a codebreaker on Ziggler who oooooooh shiiiiiiiiiiiit recovers and kicks Jericho in the face *sooooo* well that was awesome and Jericho is out. Good job Jericho! Great job Ziggler, too! Ryback threw some guys out so we're down to Orton Sheamus Ryback Cena Ziggler and this is pretty exciting now! Orton is wrecking dudes for a minute but Ryback clotheslines him out. BROGUE KICK BROGUE KICK DOES THAT REFER TO THE ACCENT OR THE SHOES I HAVE NEVER KNOWN BROGUE KICK ZIGGLER IS OUT and this has been awesome since Ryback showed up even though honestly I don't think this Ryback guy is much of anything but everybody is doing SUCH COOL THINGS NOW

Sheamus and Cena team up on Ryback which I mean who could withstand that? This has got to spell the end for Ryback. But wait! Sheamus and Cena have pointed at the sign that says Wrestlemania and have come to blows! A Five-Knuckle Shuffle is interrupted by a MEAT HOOK CLOTHESLINE and then Sheamus hits Ryback with that emerald frosion thing that he does (yeah I've played some Fire Pro I kind of know some things a little). Looks like Ryback is about to get his shit Brogue kicked OH NO RYBACK SAW IT COMING AND DUMPED SHEAMUS OVER THE TOP THAT WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY GNARLY IF ANYTHING SHEAMUS' MISTAKE WAS CHANTING BROGUE

People are pretty into this "feed me more" chant but I don't know it seems pretty lame to me. Credit where credit is due, though, Ryback has a pretty good spinebuster, so he's not all bad! Maybe I have misjudged him? I don't want to commit one way or another on Ryback at this point really as he doesn't seem like that much to me but everything has been *so awesome* since he showed up that I should probably just stifle it. Cena has Ryback out with an STF which apparently does that I guess. OH NO RYBACK IS BACK NO WAIT CENA IS PUSHING HIM OUT AND OVER YOUR TIME IS UP YOU WILL FIND THAT JOHN CENA'S TIME IS NOOOOOOOOWWWWW and that Royal Rumble was not particularly good at all until Ryback showed up and then it was really good until the end! Also I like it when John Cena wins things because then guys who complain on message boards that John Cena doesn't wear wrestling boots will be upset. Cena finds a dude with an anti-Cena t-shirt in the crowd and does funny things with him. Have I mentioned that I think John Cena is probably totally nice for real? I really think he is. Like, I would be stunned if you met John Cena and came away thinking he was anything but a genuine guy. If these thoughts make me a fool so be it.

AND NOW FOR THE TITLE MATCH ISN'T IT CRAZY THAT CM PUNK IS STILL THE CHAMPION I honestly had no idea that he had been the champion this whole year man it's really something. Somewhere along the line he acquired a Paul E. Dangerously which is cool by me too. I don't like the Rock's STRICKEN BY CANCER STRICKEN BY CANCER promo all that much as I really don't think it plays to the Rock's strengths which is a weird thing to actually say because I would have told you that the Rock's strengths are all of the things human people can say or do. He is the most charismatic megafauna having edged out polar bears some time ago. But what I am suggesting here is that if the Rock really wants to draw money in this game he will listen to me about how he should do that. CM Punk is about a squillion times better as a heel than a face which is true of so many but extremely true of CM Punk like super extra true of him so this could be pretty great even if I am not nuts about the particular kind of thing the Rock is doing here in terms of saying things. I think it's garbage that CM Punk comes out first yeah that's right GARBAGE even if they switch it up for the actual old-timey in-ring introductions. GARBAGE.

IN WHAT I BELIEVE USED TO BE CALLED MAIN-EVENT STYLE or maybe I am misapplying that term the match begins with a fair bit of brawling on the outside that is all totally good and honestly I come into this match with every expectation that everything they do will be totally good because these guys know what's up. You could be a very reasonable person and contend that the Rock is the best faux-grappler of all time in that his best matches are tremendous and he is as good at saying things (tonight notwithstanding) as anybody ever so what more do you want? And CM Punk is well he is a tricky one isn't he in that he sure does have some great matches and he can be a *great* talker like he was a couple summers ago (he can also be truly awful like during that period in which he kept referring to Johnny Ace as "clown shoes" for some reason) and he does a ton of cool things in the ring but a lot of his moves look so fuckin shitty man like just so fuckin shitty. Take his Randy Savage elbow, for example. It is brutal, just loose and awful. That said, I used to follow him on livejournal and I have a t-shirt of his that I do not wear but it's in the drawer man it's in the drawer. He never should have stopped coming out to that Killswitch Engage song in my view as it was super exciting whereas "Cult of Personality" is a solid song but insufficiently exciting.  

This match is really good! They are teasing a number of their neat moves like the go-to-sleep and the rock bottom and the sharpshooter and the anaconda vise and the crowd is pretty into it! It's worth noting that there is some pretty egregious calling of moves and stuff though and I think this is exacerbated by the fact that neither of these guys have any hair at all to hide it when they lean in to say things by holy hell it looks bad. Did you know that I have been shoot rock bottomed before? It can happen a number of ways when you are grappling for real and the not-so-greatness of getting thrown (not that getting thrown is a big deal or anything but you know what I'm saying) is immediately mitigated by the fact that you have been rock bottomed an you and your pal are about to laugh about that and maybe even insist that something or other DOESN'T MATTER. True story true story I got rock bottomed a couple weeks ago and when we got back up my bro said something like "what do you think of the new IJF rules anyway?" and when I began to answer he goes "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK OF THE NEW IJF RULES" and I was like lol because I didn't see it coming at all and then he was like lol and we had a blast you should do judo or wrestle or do bjj or whatever man just get out there and grapple that's what I want to convey.

Possibly because the Rock is almost certainly more than like 250 pounds of ridiculous physique these days -- seriously it is indecent how this guy is built right now -- he and Punk just totally fell through the Spanish announce table *before* the Rock could get him up for the rock bottom and yikes man that looked really bad. I guess they're not hurt or anything though because they sort it out pretty quickly and a plain old rock bottom on the floor follows. 

SPINEBUSTER SURELY THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW WILL FOLLOW! You have to give yourself over to the people's elbow and in so doing give yourself over to artifice. Do not resist. BUT NOW THE LIGHTS ARE OUT! UNDERTAKER? UNDERTAKER? IS IT THE UNDERTAKER? NOTHING HAS GONE *BONG* SO IT CAN'T BE. THE SHIELD HAS TRIPLE POWER-BOMBED THE ROCK THROUGH THE TABLE! I DON'T KNOW WHO OR WHAT THAT IS OH YEAH OK IT IS A GROUP OF DUDES THAT IF THEY INTERFERE ON PUNK'S BEHALF HE WILL STRIPPED OK YEAH I REMEMBER THAT FROM THE VIDEO PACKAGE OK I'VE GOT IT NOW THANKS

The announcers are yelling that it was the Shield and CM Punk goes "the *who?*" in a pretty great way lol I like this guy. AND THAT'S IT HE GOT HIM THERE'S THE PIN IN THE CENTRE OF THE RING THE ROCK IS OUT AS HELL CM PUNK HAS DONE IT BEST IN THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOORLD THE ROCK'S MOM LOOKS SAD AND I UNDERSTAND WHY THAT WOULD BE

ooooooh shiiiiiiit Vince is out and so now it would seem no chance ah-that's what cm punk's got-ah well I guess it was pretty crazy that I believed they were gonna do anything other than Cena and Rock at Wrestlemania however I would ask you to note once again that I legitimately didn't realize that's the way things were headed until Cena showed up in the Royal Rumble match and started straight-up tossin' dudes so my head for this business is questionable. Vince wants to strip the belt but the Rock is like HECK NO RESTART THE MATCH so they do and Punk hits his awesome knee in the corner and his soooo shitty macho man elbow HOWEVER HOWEVER HOWEEEEEVVVEER THE ROCK ESCAPES THE GTS AND IT IS SPINEBUSTER PEOPLE'S ELBOW AND IT WAS A SPECIAL PEOPLE'S ELBOW ACTUALLY WHERE HE BOUNCED UP A LITTLE AND THAT IS IT THE ROCK HAS DONE IT AND REALLY THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT MATCH THEY DID A REALLY GOOD JOB IMO

Was this kind of like how CM Punk won the match against Cena in Chicago, the greatest match in forever basically? Well no I guess not as that one was like Cena had a chance to get out of it because of Vince shenanigans but was like no no not like this and then Punk beat him I guess. 

ANYWAY THIS WAS A PRETTY GOOD SHOW! Even if the Royal Rumble match itself wasn't spectacular or anything for the most part, once everybody was in it got really exciting even if the very last elimination wasn't the terrifickest and then the main event was a good match so what can you say man what do you want they can't all be 1992 or 2002 some of them are just going to be good ones and this was a good one! Also it was all up on youtube the next day and you can't fuckin beat that. 

SO YEAH FRIENDS I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN NEXT YEAR FOR FURTHER ROYAL RUMBLE FEELINGS AND WORDS UNLESS IN THOSE INTERVENING DAYS SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ONE OF US BECAUSE I MEAN FOR A BRIEF WHILE OUR STRENGTH IS IN BLOOM BUT IT FADES QUICKLY AND SOON THERE WILL FOLLOW ILLNESS OR THE SWORD TO LAY YOU LOW OR A SUDDEN FIRE OR SURGE OF WATER OR JABBING BLADE OR JAVELIN FROM THE AIR OR REPELLENT AGE OR OUR PIERCING EYE WILL DIM AND DARKEN OR WHATEVER MAN A LOT CAN HAPPEN BUT FOR NOW THOSE DOOMS ABIDE STAY SAFE EVERYBODY TAKE CARE HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE ROYAL RUMBLE WE ARE ON THE ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA NOW WOULDN'T YOU AGREE