2016 ROYAL RUMBLE

The REIGNS community?

OF COURSE EMPIRICAL REALITY IS ALWAYS MORE COMPLEX THAN ITS UNDERLYING NOTIONAL STRUCTURE SO THAT ONE CAN ALWAYS PLAY THE GAME OF POINTING OUT WHAT IS IGNORED IN THE NOTIONAL GRASPING OF EMPIRICAL REALITY AS SLAVOJ ŽIŽEK HAS SAID AT LEAST ONCE AND MAYBE MORE TIMES but man the trend line on these Royal Rumbles has not been too fvkkn good for a while now has it like the last two in particular taken together have been a desolation and a curse and have made you think about how man is like to vanity/our days are but a shadow that passeth away and that is the way you get to feel right before bed because that is when the Royal Rumble ends. It has been bleak and the worst, and to even suggest otherwise is in my view the merest apologism and also unabidable. Longtime readers will need no reminder that last one that was really good was kind of a while ago now in that it was 2010 and I do not say that as an Edge partisan in the least, as much as it was wild when he and Lita simulated sensual acts on a bed in the ring on television one time and there was almost certainly a boob that got out (I am not endorsing that it happened but that it did happen and that it was a wild scene are just facts that offer no evidence one way or the other regarding my taste level which remains I assure you unusually high). However setting all of that to one side for a moment how can we not remain in some sense hopeful in the promise of transcendence (or maybe imminence, I don't know philosophy at all) offered by the ritual purity of thirty græpplørz (except when they do a different number) arriving in worked-randomized order at two-minute intervals (which they pretty much never do) until, in accordance with the greatness of His mercy, a king is bestowed upon us? Then shall the trees of the wood sing out! Whilst his foes eat the bread of sorrow! Unless it's fvkkn Roman Reigns again jesus christ or like a returning Batista or something; fvkk.   

I will also say by way of prefatory remarks (because there have not been enough of them yet as I see it) that eager though I always am as a Royal Rumble approaches (like the dawn) I do worry going into this a little because despite being our era's leading scholar of several very important things and also arguably the foremost figure in a particular kind of domesticity I have managed to watch no fewer than all five of the New Japan shows that have been on NJPW World so far this year (Wrestle Kingdom 10? more like Resplendent Kingdom 10; New Year's Dash? more like Take my Ca$h; Fantastica Mania 2016? actually that is a super good name for those ones) and they have all been legitimately excellent and so there is a very real possibility that I have just taken an extremely warm shower *in my enjoyment* and am about to enter a very cold pool *of something I might not enjoy as much in comparison* if you follow what I am doing now with tropes and figures. Hey speaking of NJPW (I love them they are perfect) it is really something how WWE is taking several of their best guys including AJ Styles who many seem to think will be here tonight and several of his (former) Bullet Club græpplepälz and also Shinsuke Nakamura my favourite wrestler in that he is an utterly singular figure! I'm sure that will all just be awesome and not a crime against art! But people should I guess do what they want to do even if it makes shows I like different.

THEN NOW FOREVER IT IS THE WWE and the image of John Cena is the first we see and one cannot help but reflect upon how pretty much everybody is out hurt, or at least John Cena and Seth Rollins and Daniel Bryan who are probably the three best guys they have who aren't Brock Lesnar who is in a separate category for all kinds of reasons ranging from temperament to gargantuan shooting ability. The aesthetic to this year's opening video presentation is Classical Statuary and oh I get it is because of "Roman" Reigns haha ok TONIGHT AN EMPIRE OF ONE [they mean roman reigns I get it] MUST RISE AND LIKE THE GLADIATORS OF OLD FIGHT FIGHT AGAINST TYRANNY FIGHT FOR WHAT IS HIS FIGHT FOR SURIVIVAL THIRTY MEN ONE CHAMPION LET THE ROYAL RUMBLE BEGIN and amidst this voiceovering Roman Reigns is like "this is my life, and no one is going to take this away from me" and is like uh Roman he destroyeth the perfect and the wicked bro I am sorry to be the one to break this to you but there it is.

Our commentators tonight are Justin "Bradshaw" Layfield, Michael "Maggle" Cole, and Byron Saxton and let's be frank there is no reason to expect them to say anything good so why dwell on it (I will almost certainly dwell on it). Our opening contest is between Intercontinental Champion Dean Ambrose (have they mentioned he is . . . a lunatic?) and Kevin Owens (né Steen) and it is alas a Last Man Standing match (more like Alas Man Standing) which are not usually to my tastes in that I favour *scientific wrestling* perhaps due to the early influence of Leo Burke who I don't mind telling you again is praised lavishly by Bret "Hitman" Hart in his tremendous volume of autobiography titled "Hitman: My Real Life in the Cartoon World of Professional Wrestling" and known colloquially as "Too Poor for Real Pants" and lol ok these guys are not wasting any time in diving out of rings and doing flipping cannonball maneuvers into barriers and hitting each other with kendo sticks (for some reason) and yes this *is* all being brought to you by Chex Mix that's *right.* FIGHT OWENS FIGHT is the chant here and I join them in that: I like Kevin Owens quite a lot in that I think he is really good on "the stick" and has excellent matches sometimes (have you seen the one he had with Nakamura?) and I don't really like Dean Ambrose matches very much not that I take any pleasure in saying that because Ambrose obviously works super hard and if I am remembering this right is the IRL beau of Renée Young who I have not kept up with but recall to be a literal angel in not just her beauty but her aspect. Also I think Dean Ambrose really liked Bret Hart when he was little? So I don't like not liking him uhhhhhhhhhhhh except that it turns out that when he ducks out between the middle and top ropes and comes back with a clothesline they call it a "wackyline" wooooooowwwwww. That is a dumb move (I don't even like it when Kyle O'Reilly does it and I voted for him in the category of best technical wrestler in this year's HerbMeltzerver Awards) but the move deserves better than that name; we all do. 

These guys are going like hekk! They are throwing each other all over the place and into things and then getting up before the referee's count of ten as the strictures of Last Man Standing require. I'm not nuts about elaborate setups for big spots (I find them tedious and cumbersome!) but I am pretty intrigued by the stack of tables Kevin Owens has been working on at ringside. Nothing has happened yet but this is for sure a Chekov's Stack of Tables situation. The crowd is pretty into this match and I get it! Ambrose has to wrestle in jeans and that must feel awful. Owens just did a *great* thing wherein he regained his feet at the count of nine by rolling out of the ring; that might not sound that great but it was subtly great which is often what Kevin Owens is I think (also sometimes he is very plainly great). Ambrose has just flyingly top-rope elbowed Owens through a table on the outside and I liked it a lot but can't stop thinking about the big stack of tables that is on the other side of the ring *it is still out there when are they going to go through it.* Owens is yelling "I hate you" at Dean Ambrose and it feels earned and true.

You are perhaps familiar with the "fisherman buster" suplex that Kevin Owens does sometimes? He just did it from the second rope through a table, and it was very good, and now he has Ambrose set up on some chairs as he ascends the opposite turnbuckle to do his astonishingly nimble (for so hefty a døød) jumping springboard moonsault when lololol Ambrose just kind of nudges him off and he plummets through the big stack of tables on the outside and do you see how skilled I am as a reader I totally knew once those tables got set up that eventually someone would plummet through them to his ruin *keep it locked* to rumblemetrics.blogspot.com for analysis of this calibre lol that was pretty great though!  

NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo they are showing a clip from Raw (I don't watch it) wherein Chris Jericho destroyed the New Day's trombone whyyyyyyyyy that trombone was sikk nooooooooooo lol ok the New Day are out now and Big E Langston is telling the crowd (who want to love the New Day; who need to love the New Day) to pipe down as a moment of silence is observed for Francesca the trombone (I was not aware they had named her). And now Xavier Woods is out WITH A NEW TROMBONE as the New Day dances and while Kofi Kingston dances reasonably, Big E dances in a way that whilst deliberately comical cannot help but be legitimately sensual because Big E is just a sensualist and you can see it always. They are saying things about unicorns and ponies and I like all of it. I have heard that the New Day are all over Raw and it has become too much but because I am not all over Raw I don't care about that even a little AND HERE COME THE USOOOOOOOSSSSSS I like these guys a lot and like to think about their late father Fatu (he has not actually died) thrustkicking the good out of his foes in the middle parts of yore-day Rumbles; later he would be Rikishi, and put his butt on them. 

This is a good tag team match but I worry that the crowd does not seem to like the Usos and I wonder if they have considered how this might make the Usos feel? Maybe it is just that the New Day are so compelling that you can't really keep them "heel" and so "faces" like the really very good Usos don't really stand a chance in there. PLAY FRAN-CESCA CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP is the chant and Xavier Woods seems as though he is going to acquiesce; but no, he is like I PLAY WHEN I WANT TO PLAY. One's thoughts turn to the time Johnny Mundo (who was great when he wrestled local hero Markus Burke at the historic Halifax Forum, where Leo Burke [no relation except for in spirit] more than once challenged for world titles but in the main arena part of the Forum not the Multipurpose Room where you would watch smaller events like say Ghostface & Raekwon for Pop Explosion) was on the Steve Austin podcast and was compelling and was like "the babyface gives the fans what they want to see, and the heel takes it away" and Steve Austin was like "I have never heard it expressed like that but yes that is it precisely and you are a wise cat for saying so." 

Big E's body is just *weird* in its enormous muscularity but he fully inhabits it, man. There is something about that guy. I think what just happened was a spear through the ropes to an Uso (who can say) who was standing on the apron and somehow neither of them are dead now but it looked close. An Uso (nobody knows) just splashed Kofi from the top but instead of covering him right away in a pinning combination (or "osaekomi") he floated over to pin him from the other side and it made no sense. Oh ok Big E has caught an Uso (don't pretend) in midair and hit his nice slam finish ("The Big Ending") and now dances in sensuous triumph. A good match!  

I guess the Wyatts are a Significant Heel Faction according to these clips from Raw and I say why not as Bray can talk some and work well enough and Luke Harper is excellent and Aaron Rowan at least has a spooky mask and the new guy with the just absurd name (""""""""Braun Strowman"""""""""?) could not reasonably be asked to be a larger human and perhaps most importantly here Southern Gothic is a legit aesthetic. It is useful to have four of them so they can claim to be War Pestilence Famine and Death as they have just now done.

OK next we have Alberto Del Rio vs. Kalisto for the United States Title and we are shown clips of Kalisto flying out through the middle rope to the floor and landing on his back which looked brutal and then another clip of the League of Nations (I really like that as the name of a Foreign Heel Stable) all just standing around him shoving him from one to another which speaks to our elemental fear of being bullied in so classic a fashion. Alberto Del Rio is a strange case as you all know, almost certainly better than I do: they wanted a Mexican hero but they stink so they couldn't make him one despite his obvious talents and then an office guy or something made a shitty anti-Mexican joke so Alberto slapped him in the face and got fired and became a Mexican hero and then went to Lucha Underground (and AAA but I will not pretend to have seen any of that because I have too much respect for you) to extremely excellent effect and they were like OMG WE NEED THIS GUY HE IS A MEXICAN HERO and then they got him back and things don't seem to be going all that much better this time around despite his shooter cred (legit Greco-Romanism; head-kicked by Cro Cop whilst lucha-masked), handsomeness, and tanned vascularity. I am told that he doesn't use the rolling ude-hishigi-juji-gatame (nobody calls it that BUT THAT'S WHAT IT IS) as a finisher anymore, which seems a shame.

This is a pretty good match, the story of which is that Kalisto is a very small luchador with a lot of heart and flips (and twists) whereas Alberto Del Rio is much bigger and mean and yeah very handsome. The crowd is chanting LUCHA LUCHA LUCHA which I guess is like chanting FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT or as they chant in Japan FAITO FAITO FAITO which I have read in a book by an English-speaker who lived in Japan for a while puts you in a weird position as an Anglo because on the one hand you don't want to be the guy not saying FAITO with his/her palz but on the other hand haha yikes.

Del Rio is chucking this lil fella around pretty well! Ooooooooh no Kalisto tried a weird move like a "code red" or something and just spiked himself, poor little guy. I don't know for sure that's what he was going for but I will say that I don't really like that one; one's thoughts turn to the realllllly good Kamaitachi/Dragon Lee match from the final night of Fantastica Mania (no YOU shut up) and how they had a bunch of moves in that one where it was like wait who is that one supposed to be harming I don't get it and some of them were I guess kind of like a "code red" (I do kind of like the one Hirooki Goto does out of the corner; he is a neo-samurai). Kalisto hit his "salida del sol" (which is "dawn?") and wins the U.S. Title (for the second time, I have learned) and remember when he did that one through a ladder a while ago? That was crazy!    

Renée Young is here with a panel consisting of Booker T in a stylish scarf, Jerry Lawler in an Affliction shirt (and now his soul is poured out upon him; the days of affliction have taken hold upon him, imo), and Corey Graves who I mostly know from panels, and oh Renée why do you adopt a different voice and say "Bookah TEEEE"; that is a mess to have done that. And yet she remains charming despite this? Or perhaps, perversely, because of it? There is something paradoxical (para-doxa, "overwhelming glory," as Millbank glosses) at work here. 

Paul Heyman and Stephanie McMahon are shown backstage standing at a 3/4 angle to a camera they are pretending either is not there or is not on and so their secrets are safe. This is one of the things that you are declared NO FUN for minding because it has been happening for so long that it clearly is never going to change so why make a thing of it but look art is important and this runs counter to art and I am not going to stop. 

"Moments don't last; they're . . . fleeting" Charlotte tells us in the video package that runs before her championship defense against Becky Lynch. Becky Lynch is pretty good (I reject her steampunk aesthetic obviously) but I am not all that sure Charlotte is. Obviously neither of them is Sasha Banks but that is an unreasonable standard to hold humans to. Sasha Banks and Bailey sure had a good one in Brooklyn! I think it was the second-best WWE match all year (don't be like mmmmmwwwwwwaaaaaactually it was an *NXT* match; you owe yourself more than that), bested only by the triple-threat title match at last year's Royal Rumble between John Cena and Seth Rollins and Brock Lesnar! Neither of these matches made my ballot for the Meltz Awards obviously but these things can't be helped.

Woah ok Byron Saxton is just saying some normal things when JBL breaks in thusly: "Byron your obfuscation of the story is monumental, because Charlotte, what's going on here is that she is preordained for greatness. Not to be Calvinistic, but some people just have a date with destiny, and that is Charlotte."

I see you though

This match has been underway for a couple minutes and is pretty unremarkable until they spill to the outside and then Ric Flair, who has long claimed to be both kiss-stealin' and wheelin'-dealin', makes good on half of that by planting one on Becky Lynch and I guess when you see kiss-stealin' play out right in front of you like that it is a little bit less like "lol u cad" and more like "that was not that great." Also not great: this match ZING haha like everything looks super cooperatery and there is a moment of promise when an "electric chair" position is attained and one dreams of a "One-Winged Angel" like the GREAT Kenny Omega would do from here or maybe "Croyt's Wrath" (he names everything after video games but is somehow still the best) but nothing like that happens. Hey like a year ago I said to my pal Russ that I thought Kenny Omega would have more good matches in 2015 than Daniel Bryan and lol I wish I wasn't as right about that as I turned out to be! And Ric Flair has tossed his jacket on Becky Lynch, thereby distracting her, and Charlotte wins, and this was really not very good. 

EXCEPT SASHA BANKS IS HERE AND THE PEOPLE RIGHTLY LOVE HER MY GOODNESS noooo why is she attacking Becky Lynch what did Becky Lynch ever do to her (maybe lots of things idk) and now the hand of friendship is offered to Charlotte and they do a Fresh Prince-esque slapping of hands with a psssshhh AH HA BANKS STATEMENT CROSSFACE YESSSSSS NOW STOMP ON HER HANDS LIKE YOU DID THAT OTHER TIME IT WAS DISGUSTING BUT DO IT AGAIN well she didn't do it again but that was still worth it lol Michael Cole is like "SASHA BANKS MAKING A STATEMENT WITH THE BANKS STATEMENT" and yeah we get it Michael Cole it's ok and then Byron Saxton is like "FROM A BANKS STATEMENT TO A BOLD STATEMENT" lol jesus christ these guys are the worst. At least JBL has interests.   

Let's pause now to thank Chex Mix for making everybody's dreams come true; then they do the I guess now-annual thing where they share a bunch of "statistics" but this is trivia not statistics and utterly pointless even in the fairly absurd context of people pretending to fight. Actually I take that last part back a little because pretending to fight occurs at the intersection of græppling (so important) and the aesthetic (utterly vital), making it literally crucial. 

Lilian Garcia is kind of mangling the explanation here (I have no problem with her; this is a rare lapse) but the deal is that Roman Reigns, champion of the planet, is entering at number one and the WWE Championship, which still literally looks like a Josten's class ring, is very much at stake! This is a pretty good twist imo. Roman Reigns still enters through the crowd as a vestigial element of his time in the Shield I guess, but I think now it is supposed to signify that he is of the people, but they boo him without mercy as he makes his way through them in his awful ring gear. He had a very good match with Brock Lesnar (and eventually Seth Rollins) in the main event of Wrestlemania in which he and Brock hit each other really very hard and then the super slow motion replays revealed that yeah they hit each other *really* very hard and it was totally good (third best WWE match of the year? top five anyway) but I am not going to overlook the extent to which the guy remains a döøf out there. I am not immune to human beauty and can plainly see his icy blue eyes and impressive locks and the fine physique buried beneath his truly shitty ring gear but the guy remains döøfwave and if your objection is THAT IS HOW HE IS BEING BOOKED AND SCRIPTED I will of course concede the point but ask you in what truer way should I come to know him so as to not find him a big fvkkn döøf and why should this be work on my end. Here he is being deservedly booed, much as he was when Nick and I saw him wrestle a fairly shitty house show main event at the Forum (the Arena part, not the Multipurpose Room) against Seth Rollins, and I don't think Seth Rollins was necessarily the problem in that one, you know? HE'S NOT THAT BAD well no but he isn't that fvkkn good either is he. PPL BOO JOHN CENA ON THE BIG SHOWS TOO look John Cena is conservatively *ten* times the wrestler Roman Reigns is and the person I am arguing with who doesn't even exist is *embarrassing* himself right now BUT SEVERAL PEOPLE CHEERED WHEN THE BABYFACE WON THE TITLE ON RAW just stop digging bro stop digging.

Rusev is in at number two! His real name is Miroslav Barnyashev (Мирослав Барняшев) and I hope he and Lana are happy together forever! I preferred it when he wrestled barefoot but I am not going to let that interfere now. Reigns and Rusev are going at it HAMMER AND TONGS YEAH ELIMINATE ROMAN RIGHT AWAY IT WOULD BE CRAZY no he went out through the middle rope and now he is back in and unleashed a truly döøfwave BWOOOOOHHHHAAAAHHHHH before hitting a spear and dumping Rusev over the top and this is an injustice, perhaps the first of many.  

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ STYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYLESSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU YEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH OK IF THIS IS HOW IT IS HAS TO BE LET'S DO IT I mean obviously I would prefer him to remain in NJPW and have ****+ matches every other month but he is here now and I am going to try to enjoy it as much as the people of Orlando (mb the Royal Rumble is a travelling crowd to a certain extent at this point?) are presently and that is a *lot* and I don't recognize this music but it is pretty sikk with its churchy organ sounds over a chill beat and I wonder if like his NJPW theme it will start saying "fvkk yr dreamz fvkk yr life" if you let it play long enough (try it, it really does start saying that; maybe you already knew but I didn't until Bryan's friend Vinny noted it). I am WAAAAAAAAAY into A.J. Styles as you would expect of a person such as me and if I may digress: I never watched any uhhhhhh "TNA" (to even type that is a difficulty) and for the longest time my only awareness of A.J. Styles was when he said "the GAY community?!?" on a Meltzer podcast and the time he got really mad at Mike Tenay because of how he came from a trailer park (Styles, not Tenay, and idk A.J. my first home was in a trailer park too but you don't see me getting mad at Mike Tenay about it); the first I knew of because of my near-fanatical devotion to Meltzer audio, the second, because the clip went viral (amongst the like dozen people with whom I talk about wrestling via computers). I assumed he was a superflippy X-Division guy and probably fine but not necessarily my kind of thing BUT THEN he got booked on some local Wrestlecentre indie shows (at . . . the Forum) and I was not especially thrilled about it but my friend Pete was like "no KS based on the kind of stuff you like you will like A.J. Styles, trust me" and I did I trusted Pete's judgement and he was *right* like the first time A.J. started working a headlock on decent-local-guy J.P. Simms I leaned over to my brother and was like "jesus fvkkn christ look at how good that headlock is" and if you ask my brother he will CONFIRM how into these græpplehøldz I was. This was around the time Styles was IWGP champion (HE BROUGHT THE BELT . . . TO THE FORUM) and having the MOTY w/ Minoru Suzuki in the G1 and the effect of like "pretty good local match, pretty good local match, good indie match with someone from away, BEST WRESTLER IN THE WORLD PRETTY MUCH" was *profound* and *major* (in the realm of græpzthetics) and now here I am; indeed, here *we* are.

While it is improbable that week after week A.J. Styles will be performing in front of rapturous crowds intimately familiar with his work of recent years with Tanahashi and Okada and Nakamura through their subscriptions to NJPW World, as far as first nights go this is a better response than could have been expected and YEEEAAH STYLES CLASH lol ok no as it turns out A.J. is not permitted to hit the Styles Clash on the WWE Champion in the opening seconds of his time here which if regrettable is totally understandable and now in at number three is Tyler Breeze who is sometimes referred to as "Prince Pretty" if I am not mistaken and he seems good and I enjoyed his match against Jushin Thunder Liger at the Brooklyn show (Liger had a deceptively sikk lucha-subz match against Virus at the last Fantastica Mania at Korakuen Hall if you are looking for the most recent sikk Liger match) aaaaaand there goes Tyler Breeze, held aloft by Styles and then punched over by Reigns and in at number four is Curtis Axel (son of Mr. Perfect, but in some ways it is hard to believe that) who is part of a faction called the Social Outcasts I guess? (Don't tell me about them though please.) A.J. hits an interfering Adam Rose with his flying forearm that always looks so good *and it looks so good* and then a moment later he clotheslines Axel out and it is back to just Styles and Reigns (this is pretty neat!) as the crowd is exhorted to BREAK THE WALLZZZ DOOOOOOOWN because it is Chris Jericho and he gets a great reaction oooohhh gaaawwwd what has happened to his body: it is as though it has liquefied with age and then resettled but not with the barrel-chested melted-butter glory of a pantsed-and-singleted-luchador in his latter days; instead he is just a mess, the poor guy. And he wears less gear in his forties than he did in his twenties. This is a nightmare. His physique has always fluctuated wildly but this is low ebb by a lot. He is a few years older than me and maybe this is what awaits me too once I catch up but I think (hope) there is something else at play here, something dark and unnameable. You might have a look at Chris Jericho right now and be like "lol that is some body" and then laugh it off and just go on with your day and your life but consider please that any time he wants to do anything, whether it be enjoy the tendernesses of his good lady wife or merely go for a swim, that is the body he has to do it in.

Consider Phlebas, who was once handsome and tall as you

He also has a number of tattoos now which are new to me at least; I have seen it suggested that Jericho is an aging hipster dad but that to me is wholly inaccurate as he is plainly an aging *rocker* dad whose sensibility is demonstrably pre-hipster (in the contemporary sense) BWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFF it is THE DEMON KANE in at number seven and while I do not understand why exactly he is no longer Corporate Kane I am more relieved about it than curious about it. He is, as one would expect, leveling döødz (lol they don't even try to hide that the hair is attached to the mask do they). The crowd responds very favourably to the arrival of Goldust at number eight which reveals the people of Orlando to be of taste and learning because Goldust is of quality. Just before he enters the ring though Jericho tries to headbutt Roman Reigns but gets the worst of it due to Samoanicity. 

The crowd chants A J STYLES which is how I feel from my couch also as things settle in here and this feels like way less than two minutes as RYBACK and his unfettered access to bodybuilding drugs and paraphernalia enters at number nine and do people still chant C.M. Punk at Ryback because of things C. M. Punk said about Ryback on the Colt Cabana podcast before choosing to cosplay as a martial artist? (p.s. run up when you see me Phil) 

It's a new day yes it is as Kofi Kingston enters at number ten and maybe he will redeem himself for his prrrrrretty lame spot last year where if I recall correctly he was thrown out but held up by the ravers who had fallen under the sway of Adam Rose on the grounds of how much E he had hoooooly cow A.J. got up *so high* on a back body drop from Ryback and then a few moments later does his springboard forearm from the outside back in; A.J. has been the best so far but that is not a stunning thing. Titus O'Neil is in and he is just chucking people which is fitting and right and OH NO Goldust is out well I mean he wasn't going to win it obviously but still. Here comes R-Truth at number twelve and he is grabbing a ladder from underneath the ring and setting it up in the middle of the ring and oh dear lord they are not ok yes they are ok: the gimmick remains that R-Truth is inexplicably simple so he climbs the ladder thinking there will be a belt there and there is not; I don't know if this is an improvement over last year's bit where in the absence of Devon he served as The Black One to Bubba Ray Dudley's The White One for a number of old Dudley Boys spots but either way the ghost of "Bad News" Allen Coage weeps bitter ghost tears.

This year's Kofi spot is that he went out over the top but landed on Big E Langston's shoulders and gets a ride around ringside and grabs a drink from a guy in the front row (there is a guy who offers the wrestlers fries at the Forum and the fries there are choice) and now Kofi is just kind of hanging out out there as Luke Harper enters and Luke Harper is enormous and quick and good and well-suited to the role of lead-hand in the cult he has joined.

THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS MY GOODNESS they are out here at Mr. McMahon's behest and they have dragged Roman Reigns out of the ring (under the bottom rope, though, which is less than ideal) and I like Del Rio and Sheamus so I am happy to see them but I am even happier to see Rusev back as his time here tonight seemed too short and aaaaaaaaahahahahahaha ok he splashes Roman Reigns through a table and begins exulting with arms overhead *while he is still lying down* man this guy GETS IT and by IT here I mean MY FULL SUPPORT. I have been told that Kofi Kingston has been eliminated but just how remains a mystery. That's pretty weird but this is pretty good!

Next in is the Big Show so this is the part where the announcers are like "who could ever eliminate this Show this really very Big Show?" but we know he isn't going to be around at the end and the best we can hope for is a repeat of that sikk part years ago where like six guys hit their finishers on him in a row and it was thrilling but they haven't done that one with him since; why not make *that* the annual Big Show thing? He eliminates Titus O'Neil and Ryback in short order. 

OK Roman Reigns is being helped to the back by Medical Personnel but he isn't selling it all that hard and he is totally just kind of walking up the aisle largely under his own power because the story here appears to be that Roman Reigns is SOFT and this is pretty dispiriting in that obviously he is going to come back and start throwing people out hither and yon and then win and it will STINK but I will say to the credit of the people of Orlando they are not into Roman Reigns at all and that is making me feel better about this otherwise dark scenario that now presents itself.

While I was complaining, Adrian Neville came in and although he moves beautifully it will not serve him here nor anywhere else in his WWE tenure (let us be frank) and here is the unbelievably large and improbably named Braun Strowman eliminating both Kane and the Big Show and purely by coincidence I was teaching kata gatame just tonight including the (largely useless but neat) standing arm triangle that Strowman mangles as finishing maneuver; it is aaaaaawfully loose when he does it but I guess in his defense if it is nice and snug it can come on pretty quickly and that would be a calamity were it to occur in a context like this (oh no the Big Show is out; also he has maybe "shoot" peed, etc).  

Kevin Owens drags his carcass to the ring at number eighteen and woah we are well into this now aren't we! Owens and Styles go at it and the people love it, especially a particular kind of the people (I am that kind of the people). Neville intrudes, only to be set up for a Styles Clash HOWEVER NOOOOOOOO Kevin Owens kicks A.J. in the face, yells "WELCOME TO WWE" and then chucks him out nooooooo but in truth this is wise: the very same kind of people I mentioned a moment ago (me) who will feel aggrieved that A.J. has been eliminated (still me) will take no small measure of solace in the fact that it was Owens who threw him out and not Reigns or like Ryback or Kane or someone (I really do feel ok). They have weighed all things to a nicety in the scales of their malice. 

Here comes the always-wet Dean Ambrose in jeans that have to be chafing outrageously; the crowd receives him warmly and also starts up nice little chants and cheers for the departing A.J. Styles and I worry (not all that much because who cares but still) that this might be the high point for A.J.'s run in WWE: a huge ovation for his debut and a promising first night in the promotion only to find nothing really there for him in the long run other than maybe a lot of t-shirt sales if they don't mess this up immediately (they will mess this up immediately). Will he ultimately be as the eunuch who embraces the virgin and sigheth, as his Lord said one time about another guy? Only time will tell (yes). 

(As a final word on A.J. I would like to note that while there is as yet no evidence that he is being booked, as my friend Neil has suggested, as Gay Teen Wolf, there is nothing definitive to suggest that he is not.) 

HEY IT IS SAMI ZAYN AKA EL GENERICOOOOOO AKA THE GUY WHO INTRODUCED STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN TO SKA MUSIC ("we're gonna have a good tiiiime, come along for the riiiiide, that's what it *says* to me") IN AT NUMBER TWENTY and he runs right after Owens because Owens put him out with a power bomb on the apron, right? That was the thing they did? Zayn eliminates Owens pretty much right away and that was pretty exciting! Who is left here ok it's Harper, Stardust, Zayn, Jericho, Ambrose, Strowman, Neville and uhhhhh fvkkn Roman Reigns having a lemonade somewhere that fvkkr.

Rowan, he of the legitimately creepy sheep mask, is in next and hoooooly god Neville took a great KO "flip bump" off of a Luke Harper clothesline that was *great* and now Stardust is out too so I guess the situation is that the Wyatt Family is taking over here as Braun Strowman (lol what a name) works over Jericho with the standing arm triangle and it looks much better this time around actually. 

May the lord bless and keep Mark Henry who is out next and how could anyone's problem be with him and remember when he was kind of awesome for a couple years there? When he was balding with the braids and kind of had everything figured out and worked a really good "program" with Daniel Bryan for the lesser of the world titles? Anyway the Wyatts put him out pretty much straightaway and there goes Sami Zayn too and I guess the deal is its just gonna be Wyatts dumping people until Roman Reigns comes back out and beats them all singlehandedly while going BWOOOOHHHAAAAHHHHH and hitting shitty superman punches ugggggggh

lol ok so what has literally happened is that I had legitimately forgotten about the existence of Brock Lesnar and maybe by the sound of the crowd here they had all kind of forgotten about him too and are pleased to be reminded because maaaaannnnn everybody is going nuttttzzzzzz and chanting suplex city and he is just suplexing the shit out of people in the most heinous fashion and jeeeeeeus christ he has decapitated Braun Strowman (lol that naaaame what the fvvvvvvk) and this is sooooo gooooood and Rowan is out and BROCK LESNAR IS OUT OF CONTROL MAGGLE

Longtime readers will perhaps recall that I am inordinately fond of Jack Swagger at least in part because he looks kind a lot like my late Aunt Sheelagh (may peace be upon her) but also because I don't know I just like him but none of this does him any good as he is in and out in seconds because Brock Lesnar is remorseless and relentless in his pursuit of throwing people places. Here is the Miz at number twenty-five making it back-to-back guys it pains you to remember they put a world title on given all that has followed and he chooses to join the commentary team rather than enter the ring and usually the Miz is pretty good at talking but he is not getting any of this out smoothly or well but what he is trying to do is an OK idea I guess like this should be amusing it just isn't for some reason.

That's it for Harper as he got suplexed (guess by who) and then eliminated just before ALBERTOOOOOO DEL RIOOOOOOOO and why didn't they bring back his little buddy who would do his introduction in Spanish? Ricardo or something? Del Rio comes in and fires a leg kick at Lesnar (because of shöøtskillz?) but Lesnar is not that concerned and shucks him off before eliminating Braun Strowman (lol it gets weirder the more you think about it) so now it is Lesnar, Jericho (doing verrrrrry little lol), Del Rio, and Ambrose, which would be a pretty compelling set of guys in the ring were we not haunted by the knowledge that eventually Roman Reigns is going to show back up. 

Bray Wyatt is in at the vaunted and coveted number twenty-seven position and he is like HOW MUCH MORE ABOMINABLE AND FILTHY IS MAN WHICH DRINKETH INIQUITY LIKE WATER only he says it all with his crazy eyes and he compels his followers to re-enter the ring and wail on Brock for a spell and this culminates in a Sister Abigail (an all-time great name for a move imo and if they have ever explained what that means please don't tell me as I choose to embrace the mystery here) and Brock is just gently dumped over by all four Wyatts like *boop* and the crowd is like ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh phooey. 

ZIGGLER AT TWENTY-EIGHT wait why doesn't anybody like Dolph Ziggler anymore he gets nothing from the people come on what gives does Dolph not bounce around like a fool anymore or what? He is met with no enthusiasm here at all and I am perplexed. When Nick and I went to a house show last year (at the Forum) Ziggler and Sheamus had a really good HALIFAX STREET FIGHT (presumably the day after a MONCTON STREET FIGHT) where tables were gone through in pretty dramatic fashion and fun was had by all (except them probably) and Ziggler was loved by all; WHAT GIVES. His look is kind of a mess right now; maybe that's not helping. I don't know why he would elect to dress more modestly now than he has in the past unless he is maybe trying to head-off a Jericho situation but that looks like it would be years down the road. I am mystified. The French braid is a tough call because I support braiding broadly but I miss the untamed locks which suited his . . . untamable ways. But yeah nobody gives a shit about him as he hits all his moves, and then the Miz finally hops in the ring just to hit Ziggler with his "skull crushing finale." These are dark days for Ziggler.

SHEAMUS at twenty-nine and I like Sheamus as he is a demonstrable hoss whose Celtic cross motif is emblematic of his desire for a postsecular reenchantment of reality OH FVKK OFF ROMAN REIGNS FVVVVVVKKK UGGGGHHHHH here he is superman punching a defenseless hoss from the blindside and this is stupid Reigns is running around like he is totally fresh and hadn't been for example so grievously harmed earlier in the match that he had to go to the back and have soup this is *stupid.* There goes Miz (no great loss), Del Rio (a very real loss), and TELLINGLY the first time the crowd cares about Ziggler at all is when it looks like he is about to eliminate Reigns (he does not) and YES they are booing Reigns vociferously as he downs people with his dumb offense and goes BOOOOOAAAAHHHH

YESSSSSSSSSS IT IS TRIPLE H AT NUMBER THIRTY DO IT FOR LEMMY DO IT FOR I GUESS KAISER WILHELM AS YOU ARE WEARING A LOT OF IRON CROSSES EVEN FOR YOU RIGHT NOW BUT LET'S SAY THIS IS ABOUT LEMMY AND ALSO ABOUT HOW ROMAN REIGNS STINKS AND WE ALL KNOW IT ok ok so actually "the sheets" by which I only mean Meltzer has been speculating that with everybody hurt the main event for Wrestlemania could very well be Triple H and Reigns and obviously you want "the strap" on Triple H for that right so Reigns can have his big win there or whatever? THIS COULD REALLY WORK OUT so ok the crowd is *completely* with Triple H and *completely* opposed to Roman Reigns right now which is probably a nightmare for their longterm planning but a genuine boon to my present enjoyment and guess which one I care about at all. 

Ziggler takes a run at TRIPZ but is cut off and pedigreed in the most summary of fashions; Wyatt heads for Reigns and is met with a spear and a BOOOOOWWWAAAAAAHHHH (please stop) and he is rightly boooooooed; who else is in there let's see ok just Ambrose and Jericho I guess. This is a glorious amount of booing whenever Reigns does anything, more than we could have asked for. Ah yes Sheamus at last enters the ring and is greeted by Bray Wyatt's "ura nage" as some call it but it isn't one and I don't want to go on and on about this (lol yes I do) but an ura nage is a sutemi waza; it's a "rear throw" that is a "sacrifice technique" so if you are just ducking under an arm while a guy jumps up like a *mark* (that term makes no sense here) and you push him forward while you keep your dumb feet I don't know what you're doing but it sure as shit isn't ura nage, pal. Jericho hits a lionsault and his corner dropkick and Ziggler hits a Zig Zag and I guess it is that time for people to hit all of their foremost moves and wooooah Triple H really did a great job teasing an elimination off a Ziggler superkick (like, so good that you forgot for a second there is literally no chance Dolph Ziggler eliminates Triple H in anything ever). Sheamus and Triple H eliminate Bray Wyatt, Reigns almost tips both out but mercifully does not, Jericho comes off the top with a splash on Ambrose and then hits Triple H with a CODEBREAKER before Ambrose sneaks up and tips Jericho over SO YOUR FINAL FOUR are Sheamus, Ambrose, Reigns, and Triple H and Ambrose is all but consumed by babyface fire!

OH HEY quite a cheer for Roman Reigns as he superman punches Sheamus out so I guess the people's contempt (misplaced in my view) for Sheamus exceeds their distaste for Reigns WHO HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY TRIPLE H WHO FALLS TO THE CORNER IN AN UNGODLY FRENZY OF CROTCH CHOPPING YESSSSSSSSSS I DON'T EVEN *LIKE* CROTCH CHOPPING BUT THIS IS INCREDIBLE and lol woah that felt so much like the finish I forgot Dean Ambrose was still in there but I assure you that he is and the crowd is beside itself at the prospect of one of these two guys *they are totally into* winning and none of the guys who are Roman Reigns winning yessssssss 

LET'S GO AMBROSE is their spirited cry ugggghh fvvvvvk Michael Cole said "wackyline" again how could he poison this moment so crassly AND YES THAT'S IT TRIPLE H HAS WON IT HE IS YOUR CHAMPION AS LEMMY SMILES DOWN FROM HEAVEN AND KAISER WILHELM ISN'T SWEATING IT EITHER LET TRIPLE H RETIRE THIS INSTANT IF HE SO CHOOSES FULL OF DAYS AND RICHES AND HONOUR and you know what that was actually a really simple elimination that I don't think I've ever seen before: Triple H was on the apron and Ambrose took a couple of big runs at him to knock him off but Tripzzz got a knee up, stunning him, and then ducked in between the top and middle ropes and back-body-dropped Ambrose out. I could totally be wrong but I think that is the first time anyone has done this; it was elegant.

SO UH IN SUMMATION THAT *OWNED* and could not have been more different in both tone and incident from the absolutely brutal displays of the last couple years; there can be no question that this is the best Royal Rumble since at least 2010, and maybe a few years before that actually, so depending on whether or not you want to get cute about when decades start (please don't) you can say this is the best one this decade, easily in the top half of Royal Rumbles, and probably like top ten overall? But all of those things will become clearer in the fullness of time; for now, let us be thankful for our good fortune, and salute Triple H, for as Royal Rumblists he is on this day our representative on earth.

Yes, by all means, please *do* break it down.

2015 ROYAL RUMBLE

YOU LOVE ROMAN REIGNS YOU LOVE HIM

TRULY THOUGH OUR ELEMENT IS TIME THE LARGELY DISGRACED POET PHILIP LARKIN ONCE WROTE WE ARE NOT SUITED TO THE LONG PERSPECTIVES OPEN AT EACH INSTANT OF OUR LIVES THEY LINK US TO OUR LOSSES AND WORSE THEY SHOW US WHAT WE HAVE AS IT ONCE ONCE WAS BLINDINGLY UNDIMINISHED JUST AS THOUGH BY ACTING DIFFERENTLY WE COULD HAVE KEPT IT SO and that is in fact a devastating thought when applied to literally all aspects of our lives and ways and so it is perhaps no surprise that it is probably a pretty good way to think about how but a year ago Roman Reigns was a beauteous terror of hall-troops of such magnificence that when faced with his obvious superiority our only means of safety was love and we wanted to be near him and maybe even snuggle in a lil *even more* than most of us let on at the time (and we let on ok at the time) and now here we are, all set for a Royal Rumble in which the looming spectre of 2015 döøfcore (healthdöøf?) Roman Reigns, well, I mean looms, like a spectre, right? Because it has to be either him or Daniel Bryan because jesus christ this situation is *thin.* I am not about to pretend to be unswayed by human beauty and so I get why Roman Reigns is still very much "in the hunt" as we embark on this road we call the one that goes to Wrestlemania but it will not surprise you to learn that in the interests of *scientific wrestling* my heart is very much with young Daniel Bryan who is actually pretty much my age but whatever and also I would accept a returning Sheamus as a darkhorse pick to just come in and hoss the fvkk out of people LET'S GET TO IT EVERYBODY LET'S WATCH THE UNDERCARD and if the undercard drags even a little maybe I will just say things about Shinsuke Nakamura who is everybody's favourite wrestler right now which is appropriate imo because he is the best one.

The THEN NOW FOREVER music at the start always makes me think of Baba O'Reilly which is not unpleasant at all and then we get a weighty voice saying WE ALL SEARCH FOR THAT MOMENT THAT DEFINES US THAT CEMENTS WHO WE ARE WHAT WE'VE DONE AND WHERE WE'RE GOING BUT THIS TIME THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE and interspersed here are little comments from all kinds of people including that *dôōf* Roman Reigns but also Dolph Ziggler seems kind of prominent here (don't do it man don't get your hopes up for Dolph Ziggler you know better than that man you *are* better than that man) TONIGHT DESTINY WILL BE DECIDED FOR . . . THE ONE and also there is the matter of THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPION THE CHALLENGER THE FUTURE THREE MEN BATTLE FOR GLORY THIRTY MEN COLLIDE FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO OBTAIN IT WHO WILL MAKE HISTORY WHO WILL DEFINE THEIR MOMENT and this is pretty good but I mean shit we have all seen 8-Mile we all get it.  

PYROOOOOOOO YEEEAAAAHHHH welcome to Philadelphia! The Wells Fargo Centre! Wasn't Wells Fargo like super evil even by the standards of banks? OH YOU DIDN'T KNOW jesus christ it is the new-age outlaws with Phillie Phanatic hats and this demeans the Phanatic basically and ok people still love the Road Dogg's lil intro thing and also Billy Gunn's decree that all opposed shallst ensucken it but I hate it as it is a dark reminder of the Attitude Era which I hated and stopped watching and if you want a reminder of that era why not bring back Headbanger Thrash and to a lesser extent perhaps Headbanger Mosh? Their opponents tonight are The Ascension who have a vaguely occult theme which is a good idea but their names are Connor and Victor and we are shown a video package of them getting wrestlemurdered by a collection of old dudes like for example a Scott Hall who now looks more like the ghost of Gargamel than like actual Gargamel himself which is pretty fucked up. Billy Gunn is a huge man; I am not sure I noticed that previously amidst all the ass stuff (this is not a diss of all the ass stuff; how could anyone's problem have been with Billy Gunn). This is ok or whatever and the Ascension do their TOTAL ELIMINATION~~~esque finisher and if you enjoy ascensions you could try the card game called ascension maybe as it has kvlt art in it.

WWE IMMORTALS is a video game that is free but that I will neither DL nor play; Royal Rumble Pinball cost quarters to play but I paid them eagerly and would do the same today if they brought it back at the pub. What lessons can we draw from this? None.  

Sting was on Raw on Monday! I don't watch Raw but I am given to understand that it is the saddest trash these days and while I don't doubt that at all I don't know how you could watch three hours of Raw every week even if it was totally stellar as that is just a lot of Raw man. Triple H and Stephanie are seen backstage standing at like a 3/4 angle to the camera and talking like they are alone but not shoot alone (they are not talking about the kids or their life together or whatever) and Paul Heyman comes in and people chant EEE SEE DUB and Triple H mentioned Nikolai Volkoff here so this part was good.

A tag team title match is next between MiZ & MIZDOW which we all love because while the Miz has only ever been unforgivably horrible Damien Mizdow is unfailingly brilliant even if it is weird that they call him a stunt double when he is plainly an understudy but maybe that confusion is part of the gimmick and I am an idiot and THE USOS who are rad and who do all kinds of top notch Samoan dancing and chanting and Fatu/Rikishi must be proud of how sikk his boys are or maybe he really wanted them to get into another line of work I don't know. Maybe this wouldn't seem as great to me if I saw it every week or whatever but Mizdow's antics on the apron are SO GREAT I LOVE THEM. JBL has just referred to Judo Gene LeBell as another notable stunt double and I don't know how much doubling he did as such (probably some!) but I read a thing where Gene was saying he wishes Ronday Rousey would really go hard at acting because when you get enough work in you get a good pension and residuals and everything and god bless Judo Gene LeBell; he wants the best for Ronda Rousey.The Miz plants an Uso LIKE A LAWN DART with a ddt JBL tells us and lol JBL is PRETTY GOOD TONIGHT MAGGLE.

ooooooh nooooooo an Uso has just now died as he came over the top hot on the heels of a previous Uso and nobody caught him (you had one job there guys) and he was doing a flip and you can kind of see the moment where this particular Uso is like "well these fuckers have failed me" and he just tucks his chin and dies. That was *awful* and these cretins are like YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP which while literally true is not a useful sentiment. lol wrestling fans are awful like "hey wrestling fans I have contracted HIV from a blood transfusion this is devastating for me and my family" YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP anyway the Usos win this one and good for them; they seem nice.

Renee Young, who is an angel of some kind, hosts a panel consisting of Booker T and two guys I don't know about but I really like Booker T and what is it about Renee Young that makes her such a compelling person telling us about wrestling? Like of course she is beautiful but the world is full of beautiful people who one simply cannot stand, perhaps in no small part because of that very beauty (who can say). But she is super charming! She is a skilled broadcaster who should have a better life than this.

There is a dumb sketch backstage with Noble and Mercury talking about an app of some kind JESUS CHRIST SETH ROLLINS JUST THREW AN iPAD that is the most decadent thing I have ever seen.

Let me pause here to note that live in attendance in Philadelphia are my e-bros GOUT DRACULA, BIG WHITE TOSH, and MUCHMOMENTUM and let me also say what is up e-bros please know that I value your friendship and hope that you enjoy your night!

In further tag-team action we have the Bella twins against Natty "The Anvil" Natalya and alt-wrestlegoth Paige and I am sure this has occurred to all kinds of people so I am not claiming any originality of thought or vision here but wouldn't it be quite a thing if they shot a men's match from the same angles and with the same male gazey emphases they put on the women's matches in some kind of grappling Hawkeye initiative or project or whatever that was called? Like what if Randy Orton's crotch was shot as lovingly as that of a Bella's? Wouldn't that be, as I have mentioned already, quite something? I think Paige's gimmick of being a sexual predator of some kind works pretty well though. Natty is a really good wrestler I think. I saw her at the historic Halifax Forum where, as you know Leo Burke challenged for the NWA World Championship in yore-days, and she had a good match with maybe A. J. Lee? Who is also good! lol you can feel the camera dude's throbbing dickboner as Nikki Bella goes for the pin; this is absurd. Brie really lays those knees into Natty against the ropes though jesus. Hey remember how good Stephanie MacMahon was in that match vs. a Bella? I don't see much WWE wrestling (just a little bit after judo on ppv Sundays) but I saw that one and it was kind of great. Steph GETS IT which is perhaps unsurprising. HAHAHA OK WOAH WHAT A FINISH so ok Brie hauls Paige off the apron to prevent the "hot tag" from Natalya and it is quite a spill and then Nikki *clubbers the shit* out of Natalya with a forearm that goes totally unacknowledged on commentary but which is some real live strong style shit like MISAWAAAAAAA or something where the FVKK did that come from my god

There is a bit of break here so whilst on the topic of STRONG STYLE why not pause for a moment to hail its king, Shinsuke Nakamura, whose glory I have but newly begun to bathe in. Like, I had been aware of Shinsuke Nakamura, somewhat-bland-but-reasonably-effective shooter from years ago -- I have seen a couple shootz & also the Lesnar IWGP match for example -- but it was not until Wrestle Kingdom 9, which really & truly was a wrestling kingdom, that I was exposed to contemporary murder-fop Shinsuke Nakamura, who might very well be our swagmost human. I found a dailymotion playlist of all of Shinsuke Nakamura's matches from the G1 this year, and in those matches it is clear to me that Shinsuke Nakamura is the best wrestler in the world and also utterly fascinating to the extent to which he resists theorization. (Go ahead: try to theorize him.) There is a video from just last weekend where he is dancing around with a Japanese kids pop group called TEMPURA KIDS and it is a singular performance, in which, although he is into it and commits to the performance -- he is not aloof, exactly -- he is plainly not thirsty for it, you know? It is a fine line and one he toes not just in the world of Japanese children's synthpop but also on the mat. I have taken to having recent NJPW matches on in the background whilst I translate medieval epic poetry (only god can judge me) and while there are a *tonne* of amazing grappledöødz in contemporary NJPW, none of them are close to Nakamura imo, not even Tanashi (the most cheerable wrestler ever? how is that air guitar shit not cheesy as fvkk? idk! idk!) or Okada (such aaaaaaarogance) or Ishii (STONE PITBULL). ANYWAY, my bros NICK and MURPH, staunch proponents of contemporary NJPW, will be rolling their eyes at this johnny-come-lately shit (actually they probably won't because they are both super nice) but man I have seen the light. Go watch all the 2014 G1 CLIMAX matches on dailymotion; they are better than anything (pretendfighting division).

PRE-RECORDED COMMENTS FROM ROYAL RUMBLE PARTICIPANTS alright I always love these here we go: ugh Roman Reign is such a *dôòf* now how did this even happen (remember at Survivor Series or whatever when he was like "I'm gonna uh be the first to uh Royal uh win uh wrestling? Buh-leeeve that") and he also encourages us here to buh-leeeve that which idk about you but there are some serious Kris-Kross resonances there that are not the toughest sounding (r.i.p. Kris-Kross I am not blaming you lil guys) and what the hell man why not go full AND YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTERRRR if you are going for that feel; Gold & Stardust are tremendous is my view; Rusev and Lana are A Great Act and I heard recently they are an IRL item which is great because they both seem nice; the Miz and Mizdow are up to shenanigans lol; the Big Show claims to not be mortal but instead a giant and in fact a motivated giant (wut); Fandango is bringing serious handsomeness to his assertions regarding the sheer power of the tango (who are we to doubt it); DANIEL BRYAN's beard looks way dried out and he should as a first step shampoo it less and lol he is doing the tiniest "YES YES YES" cheer so his arms don't go outside the frame of the shot or my god is that how high his arms go now?

The official song of the Royal Rumble comes to us from Danko Jones of all people and he is a mainstay of below-the-radar-and-not-actually-good Canadian rock and roll since like the late 90s I guess. The only person I ever knew who really liked Danko Jones a lot wrote a really long song called "The Annapolis Valley" that began "I used to live in the Annapolis Valley" and it went on from there for one hell of a long time (solid guy, nice guy). Danko Jones wrote a terrible article about Burzum one time, let me find it while this actually thrilling promotional video for the WWE Championship match runs . . . yeah ok here it is: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/danko-jones/burzum-racist-heavy-metal_b_4266735.html

BRRRRRRRRRRRR YABBA DOOOOOO it is John Cena! I like John Cena plenty but I respect the melodious "John Cena suuuuuuucks" Philadelphia crowd singalong right now ("it's not a fvkkn singalong unless you bring the weed along," Drake once argued). Hahaha yeeeeeeaaahhhh John Cena's canvas belt around his jorts reads HUSTLE LOYALTY RESPECT; such is the extent of his commitment to those ideals and things. This crowd is pretty excited for Seth Rollins as well they should be he is great! And, as my friend Bill has suggested, a giraffe who does crossfit. Here comes Brock Lesnar and man this could be really good! I don't really like triple-threat matches actually but there are exceptions and these three guys are actually all kind of exceptional in their own way (even John Cena you goons). Old-timey ring introductions once the competitors are in the ring are great but a world championship belt that looks like a Jostens class ring is not great but whatever man the crowd is ready and so is referee Mike Chioda and so am I!

lol german suplex maybe eight seconds in or something, poor John Cena. Do you remember all those German suplexes at The Summerslam? Of course you do. Aaaand there is another one. AAAAAAAND a double german suplex on Seth's lil cronies this is *great.* There's one for Rollins. And another one for John Cena. My god. This is like a Kurt Angle match except the suplexes mean something haha! Vertical suplex on Cena except he just like, fvkkn, chucked him at the end instead of dropping him straight down. German suplex on Rollins, and another chucking vertical suplex to Cena, and another to Rollins. THESE ARE THE ONLY MOVES HE IS DOING LIKE HE ISN'T EVEN PUNCHING OR ANYTHING. Lesnar has the gyaku ude garami aka the Kimura (so named by the Gracies in tribute to judo great Masohika Kimura obvsly) from do-ōsae (or "guard" if you are revolting (lol j/k ur not revolting)) which is *the very same hold* he wrecked Triple H's arm with in what was iirc Lesnar's first match back after his foray into the plainly lesser sport of mixed martial arts? Holy cow Cena just stands up with Brock Lesnar all over him like it is no big deal then Seth Rollins comes in with this like springboard knee off the ropes to Brock's head *like a fvkkn maniac* and this match is GOOD and it has been what like three minutes?

You can boo John Cena but you are only booing the best part of yourselves, Philadelphia.

Attitude Adjustment to Lesnar! That was surprising. Kicked out at one from the Rollins cover. Man what is the deal with these vertical suplexes where he just fvkkn chucks guys? Has he always done this and I have somehow forgotten? JBL suggests that Brock Lesnar is the closest thing this world has even seen to a pure gladiator which is probably true except for all the gladiators JBL *gosh*. John Cena is *taking it* to Seth Rollins AH HA Seth Rollins tried a kick from the u-can't-see me position but Cena caught it and tried the STF I guess but Rollins got the ropes BUT Cena just yanked him off and went for another five-knuckle shuffle HOWEVER lol Lesnar snuck in on little cat's feet and german suplexed the shit out of him until Rollins kicked Brock *really* hard. 

I think John Cena did a Falcon Arrow? Or a Michinoku Driver or something? I would consult Fire Pro right now to get to the taxonomic bottom of this but there is no time THERE IS NO TIME this match is tremendous. Seth Rollins has a flippy neckbreaker of the ropes that I like! AAAAHAHAHA F5 FROM A SETH ROLLINS SPRINGBOARDING SOMETHING MY GOD I mean Cena broke up the pin but man that was great what is even happening these are such MØøVZ and lol ok Lesnar clears off the Spanish announce table and he does it with such uncommon *fury* but now he is getting Attitude Adjusted three times in a row but no big deal Brock Lesnar kicks out of stuff like that no problem and also from a Seth Rollins curbstomp (man that name is awfully vivid isn't it) and while I don't really like THIS IS AWESOME chants all that much because I think the actual pronunciation of that should be YAAAAAAYYYYYY I get it in this instance I do I get it.

EVERYTHING THEY ARE DOING IS GREAT like for example John Cena just tackled Brock Lesnar through a barricade and that sounds pretty standard maybe but it didn't look standard and what is I guess even more important it didn't *feel* standard it felt fvkkn *real* and now Paul E. Heymanously scurries and scampers away as Cena drives Lesnar into the stairs and clubbers him with those selfsame stairs until Lesnar is laid out on the table OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK  SETH ROLLINS JUST DID THE BEST THING TO HIM HE JUST FUCKINNNNNNG FLEWWWWWW THROUGH THE AIR WITH THE BEST THING ANYONE HAS EVER DONE TO A GUY ON A TABLE MY GOD like I don't even know why that was so great I mean it was a splashy elbow or an elbowy splash but it just looked incredible and now everyone has died r.i.p. everyone you died doing what you loved pretending to fight for money.

Lesnar looks well and truly out of it for a while and ahahahaa John Cena powerbombs Seth Rollins but instead of just pinning him in the conventional post-powerbomb way Cena passes the legs and pins from the side and I swear to you I FVKKN SWEAR TO YOU I am CERTAIN he did it that way because he thought to do otherwise would look gay *I am so certain of this you have no idea*

Rollins powerbombs Cena into the turnbuckles in the first move in this entire match that did not end up quite as gnar as one might hope but it was still ok. 

It is a small mercy but a mercy nevertheless that they just call it an STF rather than an STFU when Cena does the stepover-toehold-facelock and ok there is a stretcher out for Lesnar and now Rollins' lil buddies have come in to assist him in powerbombing Cena and now everyone is taking a well deserved breather because yeesh man and ok now Rollins takes a run at Cena with an extremely battered money-in-the-bank briefcase but misses and yesssssss Cena does that double Attitude Adjustment he can do with both of the lil cronies up at the same time (this is only possible because John Cena is YOLKED)

WHAT IN THE FVKK SETH ROLLINS JUST DID A PHOENIX SPLASH IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL IT WHEN FMW ACE HAYABUSA WOULD DO THAT BEFORE HE MURDERED HIMSELF WITH A LIONSAULT MY GOD AND LIKE ROLLINS MISSED IT A TINY BIT SO IT WAS LIKE A PHOENIX HEADBUTT WhAT THe FVVVVVVKKKK but lol that isn't the finish because Lesnar has com back like Lazarus except only for endless suplexes and Rollins FLIPS OUT OF ONE and cranks him with the briefcase a couple times but it is nbd for Lesnar who F5s him and wins nbd best match ever

"Holy crap this is unbelievable," is Jerry "The King" Lawler's take on this match and it is mine also. This was the best triple-threat match I know about and I am not saying that to damn with faint praise or anything because I usually don't like them; this was one of the best WWE matches in forever and do you know what is crazy? This was better than anyone could have reasonably expected and it might not even be as good as *two* of the matches on Wrestle Kingdom 9 which is to say you should go watch Wrestle Kingdom 9 sometime and then figure out which of these three ridiculously sikk matches is the best match of *January* lol what is going on with all this ridiculous wrestling right now.

Oh hey on that: do you know about Lucha Underground, with with Robert Rodriguez is loosely affiliated? It is really good! And they did this Rumble-esque match a couple weeks ago called AZTEC WARFARE only it was pinfall and submission because what fun is lucha libre without sikk dives and anyway when it aired Herbius Meltz and Bryan Alvarez both declared it the best battle royale they had seen in ages and almost certainly better than anything they would come up with for the Royal Rumble this year and while it was not *exactly* the same kind of deal so it is not the fairest comparison it was really really good! I however remain optimistic that this will slay.

HEY GUYS HOW ABOUT INSTEAD OF THIS TEDIOUS STATS RUNDOWN (really it is trivia not stats) WE ADD SOME TIME TO THE RUMBLE AND GO TWO MINUTES BETWEEN GRAPPLEDôÓDZ AS GOD INTENDED INSTEAD OF NINETY SECONDS but no I guess not. This is really tedious whereas they should be doing stuff that is exciting right now in my view. Or maybe this is the "cool down" thing because how could you just have exciting thing happen after exciting thing; that would never work (wut's up Wrestle Kingdom 9)

ALRIGHT IT IS TIME TO RUMBLE IT IS TIME TO ROOOOOYYYYYAALLLL RUMBLE LIKE VINCE USED TO SAY and in at number one is Miz which is not exciting and iirc they have done this before with him but when they did so he came out amidst big puffy letter that said AWESOME which was solid. lololol ok JBL has just informed us that there have been two winners from the number one position including hall-of-famer HBK Shawn Michaels in 1995 lol JBL who was the other one and what is his physical address and where exactly are his dogs lol (a horrible crime we shouldn't be laughing). If they are going to allude to his achievements and attainments but refuse to mention his name they should probably just start going with his Fire Pro name like WELL MAGGLE AS U KNOW THERE HAVE BEEN TWO WINNERS FROM THE NUMBER ONE POSITION NAMELY HALL-OF-FAMER SHAWN MAGGLES AND "THE COMPUTER" ROOTS GENOA BACK TO U MAGGLE and number two is R-Truth wow he is still working good for him but what is this dancing around whilst rapping biz like I understand having a rap gimmick but this seems ancient and square like A-RIP-A-DIP-DOOO FELLOWZ LET US GO A-RAPPING and lol he just said whoomp there it is I rest my *fvkknnngggg* case anyway I wish him well. Also worth considering: the Miz's gimmick is that he is in movies well R-Truth iirc (shoot name Ron Killings?) was in The Wrestler although not featured as prominently as say Necro Butcher but I mean who could be.

These guys are doing some stuff but it is whatever. BUBBA RAY DUDLEY? He has been in TNA and called Bully Ray right? I have never watched TNA so I don't know but a person hears things because of the company he keeps! Unshockingly the people of Philadelphia like this a lot! First time in the Royal Rumble for Bubba Ray which is stunning. ugggggghhhhhhhhhhhh waaaaaaaait a minute ok in the absence of D-Von, Bubba Ray has recruited R-Truth to be his black person in lieu of him jeeesus christ that seems shitty and yep ok R-Truth just pitched in on a Dudley Death Drop so yeah his job in this one was to be black; this is grim. Also grim, though less so: Bubba Ray goes TA-BLE TA-BLE to get the crowd chanting table and that doesn't sound that bad but it seemed desperate. 

Anyway Miz and R-Truth are both out now (weren't they partners a lifetime ago?) and in comes Luke Harper who is essentially a murderer in my view like this guy is huge and he moves and he has a gross beard and crazy eyes and the sky is the limit! They do some hitting and stuff until Bray Wyatt comes out with an abbreviated version of his excellent entrance that is still very good. Unsurprisingly Bubba Ray is tossed by these southern gothicists but that was great in that the crowd was thrilled to see him and he managed to not assault any women or use any racial slurs (that made camera). Curtis Axel (son of Mr. Perfect) is next but he gets jumped by the guy with the sheep mask who is now I am told a vintner of some kind and the Wyatt family lies in utter ruin and Wyatt tips his two former cultists out at the same time like *whoot* and that's that.

Things weren't racist enough with the R-Truth-as-D-Von spots so here comes the Boogeyman as another surprise entrant and the recent non-appearance of Mr. Perfect's son reminds us all that the best surprise entrant ever was Mr. Perfect in 2002, that Royalest of Rumbles, when he made it to the final four and the Atlanta crowd was like OH NO FVKK when he was finally eliminated. The Boogeyman and Bray Wyatt try to creep each other out for a lil bit before Bray Wyatt tosses him out and now we have SIN CARA who probably hasn't been Mistico in years but I am not up on things man idk. Bray Wyatt hits his sikkly-named finisher (Sister Abigail) and that's it for Sin Cara he is gone. Bray Wyatt gets on the mic aka *tha stikk* and says OPEN INVITATION but it isn't open; everyone has numbers on lil balls. The best instance of a person saying things on the mic during the rumble is definitely the time CM Punk (who continues to duck the twitter challenges proffered by my e-bros for a CM Punk/KS shoot encounter but this is no surprise as I have actual -- extremely meagre but *actual* verifiable existent credentials in a combat sport which puts me out of that clown's league WHO HAS CLOWN SHOES NOW CM PUNK WHO HAS THEM idk what he mean when he would call Johnny Ace clownshoes tbh) 

I got sidetracked but Zack Ryder is next and his lovable bro persona is indeed lovable: whoo whoo whoo; u know it; but it is not to be and he has already been tossed and lol like a minute and a half too late JBL is like SIN CARA IS SPANISH FOR "YOU'RE ELIMINATED" lol jesus christ JBL get yr head in the game

DOES THE RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES PUT YOU IN MIND OF THE PRE-CHRISTIAN GERMANIC NORTH AS IT DOES ME AS DANIEL BRYAN IS IN AT NUMBER TEN AND THE PEOPLE OF PHILADELPHIA MUCH LIKE THE PEOPLE OF THIS COUCH EXCLUDING DORIS THE CAT WHO DOESN'T GIVE A FVKK ARE READDDDDYYYYYYYY and I think of the various Royal Rumble *feelings* one has, maybe the best one is when a SERIOUS CONTENDER makes their way to the ring man oh man that is an exciting thing by which I mean *this* is an exciting thing and Daniel Bryan kind of has his hair in HBK-style perhaps as a tribute to his mentor? 

Bryan and Bray Wyatt go like hell for a little while until Fandango comes in (what of his music everybody would sing to? what of it?) and then it is Bryan and Fandango while Bray takes it sleazy in a corner. Tyson Kidd is in next and I have have heard his gimmick is that he likes cats? Solid gimmick imo. Not a lot going on here as we are weirdly kind of into mid-Rumble doldrums already. Here comes Stardust and I support Cody Rhodes in every iteration. Some skin-the-cats are cat-skinned in the mode of Ricky Steamboat and then Daniel Bryan backdrops Tyson Kidd out wwwwaaaaaiiiit why is Daniel Bryan suicide diving through the middle ropes onto Bray Wyatt doesn't he have a neck made of finest porcelains now

DDP is out next yes it is Diamond Dallas Page in a DDP Yoga shirt and jeans tucked into black wrestling boots and that sounds like a mess but looks *turnt* and while DDP looks about sixty it is worth noting that he looked about sixty when he was like thirty-five so DDP Yoga is a shoot imo. DIAMOND CUTTERZ to both Fandango and Bray Wyatt which while awesome will steal the thunder from a returning Randy Orton and his RsKO unless I guess he isn't returning? And what of Sheamus, I ask, and his hossing? Rusev is in next and he puts his flag in a lil stand and Lana has this look on just this *look* and he is ready to go.

DANIEL BRYAN IS KICKING RUSEV AND BRAY WYATT REALLY HARD wait what bray wyatt just like shoved daniel bryan gently and daniel bryan is out wtf happened uuuughhhhhh wut is this they are not gonna do this again jesus this is even worse than not having him in man they are gonna go with reigns aren't they there isn't anybody else maybe rusev jesus christ

Goldust is in and he is great but this isn't the time Goldust this isn't the time 

lol I feel so awful right now and then I feel ridiculous for feeling awful right now so this is a great way to feel and be lol I stink

WELL IT IS QUITE A SELECTION OF SHITTY GUYS NOBODY WANTS TO WIN IN THERE RIGHT NOW and while that isn't actually fair it is how I feel right now this is garrrrrrbage and now here is Kofi Kingston who doesn't have that I HEAR DEM CRYYYYINNNNN song anymore which is too bad but he'll do something great soon I guess NOT THAT IT MATTERS I HATE THIS ok here comes Adam Rose whose gimmick is he has all the E or something and oh ok Adam Rose is gone fast but also he has a bunch of party ppl with him and these party people catch Kofi on his way to the floor and then set him back in THAT WASN'T EVEN GOOD and now he is out anyway so who cares even a little and the crowd is so flat right now and that is how I feel too like there is plenty of booing but mostly the crowd is just like WHY WOULD THIS BE; LIKE FOR WHAT REASON 

HERE COMES ROMAN REIGNS AT NUMBER NINETEEN YOU LOVE ROMAN REIGNS YOU LOVE HIM HE HAS NOT SPENT A YEAR BECOMING A DOOF WHO IS EXPOSED AND A DOOF NO YOU LOVE HIM YOU DON'T LOVE DANIEL BRYAN HE ISN'T GOOD ROMAN REIGNS IS GOOD YOU LOVE HIM FOREVER

Roman Reigns enters through the crowd because he is a beloved man of the people (the people all hate him) and he tosses out some guys including Cody Rhodes who is ten times the wrestler Roman Reigns is and subsequently Goldust who is *a thousand million* times the wrestler Roman Reigns is or can ever be. 

god damn it

Big-E Langston is out and throws Rusev with a nice suplex but nobody cares about anything until MIZDOW comes out and the Miz is like no no I should go in but then there are shenanigans and Mizdow goes in and gets tossed by Rusev and then more Mizdow/Miz comedy which is fine but the booing continues in earnest.

Here is Jack Swagger who I have always enjoyed but he doesn't have Zeb Coulter coming out with hilarious racist (hilaracist?) signs so that's too bad for him and for everybody really. 

ROMAN REIGNS IS GOING TO WIN WHY DON'T WE ALL JUST GO HOME except I am home so there is nowhere else for me to go

RYBACK IS HERE WITH A SATCHEL OF BODYBUILDING DRUGS and actually he has been ok in Royal Rumbles so I will not prejudge this. Ok further evidence that Rusev gets it: he is hugging the bottom and middle ropes like a coward despite being a humongous monster which demonstrates real commitment to being a loathsome heel nobody could every possibly like even a little. GOOD JOB RUSEV. People are chanting for CM Punk because of things CM Punk said about Ryback on Colt Cabana's podcast; what an age.

*BWOOF* it is Kane although in truth there is now BWOOFLAME this year just Kane in some pants. He is still Corporate Kane then? The crowd continues to not care.

OK SO Dean Ambrose is probably our only (admittedly incredibly slim) chance for somebody other than Roman Reigns to win this thing and the crowd seems to appreciate this fact immediately and they are with him for about twenty seconds until they all just remember how sad they are and they stop cheering him or really anything and you know what they aren't even *counting down* with any real enthusiasm and that is *dark.*

I don't know who Titus O'Neil is but he comes out to something resembling a trap beat so I am in and he is full of such bluster and moment on his way in that he is probably lol yyyyyyyyep he was eliminated in seconds that was the whole point of his bluster. Two things will get you tossed from a Royal Rumble with a quickness: being full of bluster as you come down the aisle, or being black, and Titus O'Neil was both, so there you go. Hey if you were wondering about Vince and racism, find the old Bad News Allen shoot interview where he answers the question was Vince ever racist? by arguing that yes actually literally all of the time forever thank you for asking about that.

BAD NEWS BARRETT YYYYYEEEAAAAAHHH I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS FOR YA THIS ROYAL RUMBLE IS AN ASSSSSHOOOOOLLLE but it is uncanny how I was just talking about about Bad News Allen and now here we are, right? Bad News Barrett pretty much has it all and would be killer in New Japan; he should go there, and bring his amazing cape.

NOBODY CARES ABOUT THIS AT ALL AS THE BIG SHOW ENTERS AT NUMBER 29 however please recall if you will how sikk it was a few years ago when like six dudes hit all their finishers on Big Show in a row (that will not happen). 

go to hell they put dolph ziggler in at number thirty how dare you do this to me to us to dolph this isn't right WE ARE NOT GOING TO FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS JUST BECAUSE DOLPH ZIGGLER IS HERE NOW anyway he superkicks some guys including Bad News Barret who has been eliminated. Cesaro too (giant swing first though, tecmo wrestling style)

OK so it doesn't matter but who is left here we've got Ziggler, Big Show, Kane, Wyatt, Reigns, Ambrose, and lol jesus christ ok so Ziggler comes off the top and Big Show hits him with a *knockout punch* and then Kane and Big Show pick him up and ever so gingerly set him outside the ring like *boop* and then they do the same pretty much with Bray Wyatt  *boop* and our final four consists of Big Show and Kane and Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose and there is just booing, just the sourest booing. Roman Reigns is bleeding and idk if anyone in the crowd has noticed but if they have they would probably be like GOOD which is uncharitable but I bet that is what they would be like. All kinds of chokeslams. And there goes Dean Ambrose *boop*

I hate this so much

The chant at this point is "bullshit" which is good but I like all the booing better and lol yeah here comes the booing as Roman Reigns starts his little comeback look pal if I wanted to see superman punches I would watch the utterly brilliant A.J. Styles either in the context of NJPW or at the historic Halifax Forum where he came for a couple of indie matches last summer and proved himself to be among the best in the world at disingenuous grappling and ok Reigns has tipped Kane and Big Show out A GIANT SLAIN LET US BUILD IN ST. MICHEAL'S NAME A CHURCH ATOP THE MARK WHERE HE FELL idk I am just old-fashioned about stuff like that and everybody is just booing and now they are chanting we want Rusev?

THE ROCK OK IT IS THE ROCK and we all knew he was in Philadelphia because of the handsome picture he tweeted so this is something but actually it is probably an affront because the idea here is ok we know you might not be wild about Roman Reigns but you all like the Rock right? RIGHT?

WELL OF COURSE WE LIKE THE ROCK THAT ISN'T THE POINT and now I guess Rusev was never eliminated so he is back in for a sec before Reigns tosses him out? lol what was he doing, just laying down for twenty minutes? I totally did not notice that. Is Sting mb here?  

The Rock is in there to raise Roman Reigns' hand but the whole situation is an affront and say what you will but the people of Philadelphia are remaining true to themselves here and can you say the same of our yourself and also consider the idea that chastity is not about being puritanical it is about the body remaining in the soul's keeping so the Philadelphia crowd could rightly be described as chaste here imo

AAAAHHAHAHAHAHAA THE ROCK HAS SUCH A LOOK ON HIS FACE I WILL USE THE SNIP TOOL AND LET THIS STAND FOR ALL ETERNITY ATOP THIS POST

MY FEELINGS ARE REALLY HURT AND WHAT ELSE DO WE HAVE BUT OUR FEELINGS SEE YOU NEXT YEAR WORST ROYAL RUMBLE EVER