ALRIGHT SO HERE ARE THE KINDS OF THINGS THAT HAPPEN AT THE 2007 ROYAL RUMBLE LIVE FROM SAN ANTONIO TEXAS *BEFORE* UMAGA CHALLENGES JOHN CENA TO A LAST MAN STANDING MATCH AND CHANGES HISTORY FOREVER: The Hardys and MNM go surprisingly long in an entirely competent but unthrilling match that has the potential to be quite rad as it comes not long after Joey Mercury's face was utterly destroyed by an errant ladder but in the end the contest offers no pleasures more lasting or substantial than Melina's ring entrance; ECW oh yeah right they totally brought that back for a bit didn't they Champion Bobby Lashley defeated fucking Test by countout in a match that was already sucking long before Test responded to a belly-to-belly suplex and a clothesline by walking out of the match and man the whole reason you even *have* title matches is to ensure that there will be at least *some* professional wrestling matches that will never have Test in them and this match betrayed that trust and it is the greatest indictment of the "brand extension" system that I have yet seen; and in a contest between two guys who are basically rad ring entrances Big Dave held on to his Big Gold Belt despite the best efforts of Mr. Kennedy who I recall seeing in a "dark" match before the Smackdown(!) taping in Toronto that I have mentioned to you previously and I believe he was working with a slightly different name or something but look I liked that old-timey announcer entrance as much and indeed perhaps *more* than the next guy but it is not enough to sustain an entire dude and let me add that you can have the challenger work over the champion's leg forever all you want man *all you want* but it does not mean you are going to get Bret Hart vs. Diesel out of Mr. Kennedy vs. Batista and finally on the subject of this why would you give the bad guy the "visual" pin during the ref bump like are you *that* committed to making this dude menacing or something because I mean *fuck's sake.* This is all to say that I have not been enjoying this particular Royal Rumble undercard and the let's-check-in-with-the-respective-General-Managers-and-also-dudes-drawing-numbers-near-a-sexy-ladaaay bits are worse than usual, the only highlight coming when Kelly Kelly goes "hi Edge my name is Kelly Kelly and I'm an exhibitionist" and in response Edge basically talks like Beaker from the Muppets for about eight seconds. There was a bit where Kelly was holding two of the balls and she is like lol I am holding balls and Ron Simmons comes out and is like "DAMN" (what up peot?). Also I think that when they try to do *serious tension* surrounding the draw, the seriousness and tension is undermined by the fact that the numbers come in those little balls that are basically the ones you get from vending machines with little things in them or like idk like kinder eggs or something and so you'll have two dudes looking all hard at each other and then one will open their little number pokéball and it goes *bwurp* and then the other guy opens his and it goes *bwurp* and it is a funny noise man not a serious noise.
BUT FUCK ALL THAT IT IS TIME FOR UMAGA AND JOHN CENA LAST MAN STANDING and I probably hadn't seen a single wrestling match start to finish in a calender year when somebody on this very internet was like "ok everybody watch this it is incredible" and I DID and IT TOTALLY WAS and since that time I cannot but reflect upon the awesomeness of this match whenever anyone on the internet is like "nnnnwwwwwaaaaiiiiii don't like John Cena or think he is any good" but I have not watched it since very soon after it happened so I am VERY interested to see how well it holds up these five years later. Here comes Umaga straight from the island of fucking SAMOA and he is fucking yelling SAMOA and does he have like a whole bunch of gold teeth because he is a BOSS and he has been accompanied to the ring by a dude in a hat also; they call him "Estrada." OH HEY a quick visit to wikipedia tells me that Umaga is Jamaal of Three-Minute warning and also that he is the younger brother of RIKISHI AKA FATU and you might very well be of the opinion that I am pro wres stupid for not knowing those things and honestly I can muster no credible defense to those charges but more pressingly right now Umaga is "taking it" to John Cena and his injured ribs, ribs injured I believe when Umaga put Cena through a fuckin table with a splash off the top turnbuckle recently. Cena tries to bounce Umaga's head off the apron but come on dog don't you know that Umaga is SAMOAN and wrestling is TOTALLY RACIST and usually that is AWFUL but right now it OWNS. My thoughts turn to something I believe I picked up from the "dirt sheets" and that is the notion that the role of Umaga was first offered to indie great "Samoa" Joe who declined and elected to work for TNA and of course he has gone on to toil in relative obscurity whilst Umaga main evented WWE pay per views and cashed fat fuckin cheques like the boss that he was until he failed a bunch of drug tests and then tranq'd himself to death OH SHIT CLOTHESLINE YEEEEAHHH and Cena is down but of course not yet out and then lololol OK pretty much *right* after Cena is up the next thing you know he chucks the fuckin ring steps from inside the very ring to which those steps stepped and they hit Umaga in the head and I am feeling this match in a very real way.
One wonders what Umaga plans to do with the bottom half of the ring steps that he has just carried into the ring. I want to know *right away* but I am willing to wait because I think it is going to be so incredibly great. Yeah that was pretty cool: Cena was propped up against the steps and Umaga charged at him from the opposite corner but Cena moved and Umaga went in haaaaaaaard and now Cena comes off the top but he is CAUGHT and "tilt-a-whirl slammed" with extreme prejudice. I remind you that John Cena came into the match with a rib injury and I would further remind you that John Cena is capable of *selling his ass off* when the occasion warrants and this is one such occasion. YEEEEEAH Cena with a slam onto the steel steps and now he is contending that he cannot be seen and it is time for the "Five-Knuckle Shuffle" on the steps and then Cena is of the opinion that is time for the Attitude Adjustment or I guess it was still called the F-U on the steps but he hasn't the strength and he falls in such a way that wedged between Umaga's girth and "the cold hard steel" is his fuckin face and next comes the "blade job" and there is a Cena sucks chant right now and it is unforgivable to be of that view at this moment imo. LET'S GO CENA/CENA SUCKS are the dueling chants that you know well. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAA YEAH CENA WITH THE COMEBACK CUTOFF BY THE SICKEST SAMOAN DROP EVER which lol JR actually refers to as a *slobberknocking* Samoan drop and is it time for the "Samoan Spike" NO it is NOT because it was blocked however Cena soon thereafter finds himself hanging upside down from the top turnbuckle in the "tree of woe" position and Umaga charges at him but he totally moves and then Cena lands a top rope leg drop out of the corner which was pretty cool.
John Cena is bleeding A LOT by the time he hits Umaga's head and mostly the ring post I guess *really hard* with a television monitor. JEEEEEESUS CHRIST OK OK OK here is what just happened: Umaga laid Cena out on the ECW announce table and he goes not one but *two* announce tables over and runs across yeah the Raw table and the Smackdown table that's right and LEAPS and DIVES and Cena MOVES and Umaga is THROUGH THE TABLE and also DOWN and that was AWESOME and it gave us a nine count that was just as exciting as a 2.9999999 in a great title match and that is the first time that has ever happened in any Last Man Standing match ever. That wasn't cool enough though so now Estrada has dismantled the top turnbuckle and thus the top rope lays in ruins and Umaga is yelling shit about Samoa and he is going to run this metal deal right through Cena "Samoan Spike" style but Cena ducks and it is an FU and then an STFU in which he is *choking the shit* out of Umaga with the ring rope not once but twice and that is it man that is the finish in this the fucking Citizen Kane-times-a-billion of Last Man Standing matches and Cena is just standing around looking fucked up and no matter how hard Cena works and he always looks like he's working hard he is never going to top this one is he. FUCK MAN THAT WAS A COOL MATCH THOUGH.
Backstage Sandman hits himself in the head with a rattan cane and then Kelly Kelly and some other ladies dance with Ric Flair who responds by saying "Woo" and now it is time for the ROYAL RUMBLE and they play a video montage of past glories and it is really good. HISTORY. LEGACY. CONTROVERSY. DESTINY. These are the words we are asked to keep in mind as we consider this "the most star-studded" Royal Rumble in history in which for the first time ECW "extremists" join Raw and Smackdown "superstars" and I get "pretty worked up" because "Royal Rumbles are awesome" except for the ones that are "really shitty" and "even then" they are still "kind of neat." Once again we are looking at a ninety-second situation here and I have I think at last made my peace with that. WOOOOO ladies and gentlemen it is "Nature Boy" Ric Flair in at number one and he is wearing once of the best robes of his entire career and I mean just think about that for a second and who will be number two lol MY NAME IS FINLAY AND I LOVE TO FIGHT and he has brought his Irish Twacking Stick with him but he is not actually permitted to bring it into the ring which is a good call on the part of the referees. Finlay and Flair exchange blows in the corner until Flair is "Irish" whipped amirite into the far corner and then they do more of that. Flair looks so fuckin old right now man. I have no idea who Kenny Dykstra is but it is worth noting that his name sounds an awful lot like Lenny Dykstra who actually could be a real threat in a Royal Rumble context if given the chance and I believe he is looking for work currently so who knows. Matt Hardy is in next and you will recall that he already "worked" like a twenty minute match tonight so one wonders how much he has "in the tank." JBL who is on commentary alongside Lawler and Michael Cole points out that the Royal Rumble "is the closest thing we have to an endurance event in sports entertainment" and that I think the Iron Man match might count too but the Royal Rumble is way better so I am happy to let that slide.*zrrrrrrrrrrrrnn* you think you know me BADADADADADADADADADADA ON THIS DAAAAAAY Edge is in and he is a current tag team champion alongside Randy Orton in "Rated RKO" or something and he spears Flair right away but soon thereafter Ric Flair goes outside and grabs a couple of chairs but it is merely a tease as nobody gets hit with one and Edge eliminates Flair and then that Dyskstra fellow and now it is time for TOMMY DREAMER WHO IS STUPID AND SUCKS YEEEEEEEAAAHH LOOK AT HIS INCREDIBLY SHITTY BODY AND KITTEN-TOUGH STRIKES AND NO MOVES. I get that he is supposed to be an everyman but literally *every man* is better than Tommy Dreamer at literally everything so fuck him he sucks. Here comes SABU who like Tommy Dreamer is an ECW guy but who unlike Tommy Dreamer *is so awesome* and he sets up a table just outside the ring right away. We are told that he is homicidal and genocidal and suicidal and I honestly have never understood why they went with "genocidal" and not because I am of the view that genocide is inappropriate in almost every circumstance I can think of (though that is truly my deeply held belief) but because it doesn't make all that much sense like which ethnic groups in particular should be worried about Sabu exactly? It has never been clear to me but I didn't watch ECW TV so idk maybe it was addressed at some point and I just don't know about it.
Gregory Helms who has apparently held the Cruiserweight Championship that he won at the previous Royal Rumble for the entire year is in next and one wonders if he has held that title so long because nobody could be bothered with the Cruiserweight division just like "uh no it's cool Helms you 'go over' again tonight it is fine." And now Shelton Benjamin. There have been a lot of teases of dudes going out and through that table but it hasn't happened yet. Maybe Sabu will just like dive through it or something. In at number ten it is *BOOOOOOM FLAAAAAAAAAAME* Kane and he "tilt-a-whirl" powerslams Helms and chokeslams Edge and tosses Tommy Dreamer which is cool because fuck you Tommy Dreamer and lololol yeah ok Kane just chokeslammed Sabu from the apron to the table and that's about right. CM PUNK YEAH he is looking to make his mark in this his first Royal Rumble and JBL thinks that because Punk neither drinks nor does drugs he is boring but I mean I am like that too and I am maybe the most interesting guy ever so take that with a grain of salt basically. This is not a groundbreaking view that I am sharing with you or anything but CM Punk is awesome and I like the rest of you no doubt have been of this view since the days when I followed him on livejournal remember livejournal me neither and his ascendance represents the triumph of the indie Fire Pro ethic and aesthetic over all lesser pretend fighting ethics and aesthetics in my view (this is *not quite* to be confused with the rampant and indeed at times excessive suplexery that marked a slightly earlier era). Also to the extent that his current persona is bounded by irony and nostalgia he is in effect professional wrestling's first true hipster. Anyway more on CM Punk later probably or at least in future Royal Rumbles but for now I will just say that I ordered one of his shirts yeah that's right and you know what else *it arrived.* KING BOOKER is in and he eliminates Gregory Helms and then it is SUPER CRAZY who has "joined the fray" and Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy is next and his abdominal region is too hurt from earlier action tonight to do his goofy little pelvic thrusting thing which is disappointing to the girlies who like to go *eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee* and note that I am not disparaging them for liking to do that. The Hardys do a bunch of tag team moves on guys.
In next is the Sandman and he enters from the crowd because he is one of us I guess and he hits a few guys with his cane and then Booker who is definitely having his best Royal Rumble to date tosses him out unceremoniously and now it is Randy Orton who is in and he and Edge are tag team champions I remind you. They "waste no time" in eliminating Super Crazy which is too bad because we are all fond of Super Crazy and lol the crowd is like *AAAAAAAAAAAAH boooooooooooooooooo* when that happens. Edge and Orton eliminate both Hardys next and the girlies are like *nooooooooo.* It's just Benjamin, Orton, Edge, Punk, Booker, Finlay, and Kane in there as lol the United States Champion Chris Benoit enters what I believe will be his final Royal Rumble and he is totally running amok in there but lol not like he's going to. He gets like five German suplexes in on various dudes and others he merely chops. Try to imagine if you will just how weird Benoit would have looked in just like regular trunks. RRRRRRRR VVVVVVVVVV DDDDDDDDDDD is next and he is the only man to ever hold the ECW and WWE Championships at the same time lol remember that? He is totally loved by all and deservedly so. Kane just tossed King Booker which is too bad but oh hey in a show of poor sportsmanship unbefitting royalty Booker reenters the ring and clotheslines Kane over the top rope and they are counting that so really it was just that one time with Shawn Michaels where they were like "no no no doesn't count we're still good." Sexy Viscera is in next in a shimmery white ensemble that is not slimming but is quite fresh.
We are all the way up to number twenty and it is Johnny Nitro who I like to call "John Morrison" and he is pretty good and he has wicked abs bro and my man Matt at judo one time was like "hey you know who is good on wrestling? John Morrison" and I was like "oh yeah why is that?" and he was like "he does cool lifts and stuff." Matt's a good guy but he's not out much any more. And here is Kevin Thorn who I guess is a vampire and at this risk of being no fun I am going to say that I don't like vampires in wrestling very much. They show a replay of Shelton Benjamin's near elimination of a moment ago in which he was dangling such that it wasn't even his feet that were the issue but instead his *knees* and now it is Bob Holly who is still awful. Punk and Benoit have paired off in the corner and if I am not mistaken Punk was going to wrestle Chris Benoit in the match that did not occur because of Benoit's *future endeavouring* of those nearest him right? Hey so if I did not like Degeneration-X the first time around guess how much I liked its return that's right *not at all* and here is a dude who is fifty and balding and crippled basically and he is like YOU THINK YOU CAN TELL US WHAT TO WEAR? BREAK IT DOWN but whatever basically because Shawn Michaels has always been really good *except* right there where he messed up eliminating Finlay a little and it looked shitty. The hometown hero HBK superkicks Viscera and then a bunch of dudes pushed Big Daddy V out just as HBK backdropped Benjamin up and over. Chris Masters is in at number twenty-four and JBL characterizes him as having a million-dollar body and a nickel brain and OH HEY John Morrison was on the top turnbuckle for a sec and Benoit lept at him sent him tumbling out. Sorry Matt :(
*ooooooo CHAVO* is a great way to start some theme music isn't it and OK Benoit just got rid of the vampire guy Kevin Thorn or whatever and man there are not that many more dudes to come! Five more! Could totally be some cool guys! Montel Vontavious Porter most definitely qualifies as "a cool guy" in my view and it is crazy how he got sentenced to like a *ton* of years despite being sixteen when he got up to those admittedly fairly adult shenanigans such as armed robbery and kidnapping or whatever it was that I was shocked to learn when I went to his wikipedia page a while ago. His Wrestlemania entrance with the cheerleaders is among the best ever btw. RVD eliminates Chris Masters with a pretty wussy dropkick but idk the man can just do no wrong in my eyes so I applaud him here as always. Yeah we are two for two as far as cool guys go because next out it is Carlito. Hmmm not sure if The Great Khali breaks the streak or not because while he is hard to watch he did legitimately kill a man whilst learning how to playfight which is tragic and horrible but possibly also kind of cool? Everything he does looks incredibly shitty and he's got the *weirdest* boobs but everyone is bouncing around for him and that's fine because he's huge and there goes Holly at his giant hands and the Miz comes in and he's gone too and lol OK Khali is on a bit of a tear here as there goes RVD and Punk and Carlito and Chavo and I approve of this turn of events *wholeheartedly.* Khali wrestled at a "house show" that I attended at the historic Halifax Forum in the fall and lol he did not carry a lot of the action in that particular tag team contest but it was neat to see him because he was huge!
YEEEEAH IN AT NUMBER THIRTY IS THE FUCKIN UNDERTAKER AND HE USUALLY SUCKS AT THE ROYAL RUMBLE BUT PERHAPS NOT THIS TIME and everyone else is just laying around while the Undertaker and Khali go at it and yeah OK cool it is a clothesline elimination of THE GREAT KHALI however kind of to my surprise I think Undertaker gets booed a little bit as he "goes old school" on MVP who he subsequently eliminates but LOOK OUT UNDERTAKER MVP HAS FED ORTON A CHAIR and lol yeah Orton laid the Undertaker out pretty good. AH HA we have some dissension in team Rated RKO as Edge *may* have plausibly been lining up the Undertaker for a spear but RKO interpreted the situation differently and believed Edge to be plotting against him! They put these differences aside however and after Orton RKOs Shawn Michaels your tag team champions go at the Undertaker *ensemble* and this is a pretty cool final four and woooaahhh that is a pretty good "blade job" from the Undertaker coming off that "chair shot" and OK cool the Undertaker had Orton all set for a chokeslam but Edge was like SPEAR and this is really very good right now.
Is a "concerto" taking shape? It would certainly appear that way however ZOMG IT IS HBK and he backdrops Orton out and superkicks Edge and now Michaels and the Undertaker are both laid out in the middle of the ring and I would imagine what they are going to do here is lol yeah the Undertaker sits up and HBK kips up soon thereafter and that was pretty cool! It has been *some* time has it not since we have seen the Undertaker and Shawn Michaels do things? Yes I believe it has. Shawn Michaels looks really good taking these big flippy bumps in the corner and OK the Undertaker misses a BIG BOOT to the corner and he is out and on the apron and oh OK they are both back in lol I thought that was going to be it; I have been *worked.* A later big boot very much finds its mark and one wonders if maybe *that* is pretty much it as JBL points out that Michaels has season tickets IN THIS VERY BUILDING to watch the Spurs and I bet they're good seats! Now they are both in like a superplex position for a while and you think OK perhaps THIS is it BUT IT IS NOT and will we get a top-rope elbow second *only* to the Macho Man's as the raddest of top-rope elbows YUSSSSSSSS WE DOOOOOOO and everybody is on their feet as Shawn Michaels *tunes up the band* BUT NOOOOO IT IS A CHOKESLAM INDEED A CHOKESLAM "FROM THE HEAVENS" AS MICHAEL COLE SAYS and the Undertaker has just made the throat-slashing gesture that gets athletes in lesser sports fined OOOOOOHHHHHHH SWEET CHIN MUSIC this is rad. The Undertaker fights his feet along the ropes as Shawn Michaels lines him up for a second superkick and "shades" of 1996 but the woozy Undertaker ducks and and just lifts him out like *boop* and that was AWESOME AT THE END GUYS *AWESOME.* Also earlier John Cena and Umaga did well.
ps undertaker shirts *are* awesome alice glass of crystal castles you bet
THIS 2006 ROYAL RUMBLE HAS BEEN PRETTY SHITTY at least up until the Royal Rumble match itself but let me briefly recap the events that have transpired so far beneath the banner of this ancient-Roman-gladiatorial-or-something-themed World Wrestling Entertainment Pay Per View extravaganza. The first match was a six-man tornado-style contest for the now mercifully defunct Cruiserweight Championship between Kid Kash, Jamie Noble, Funaki, a non-Hurricane Gregory Helms, Nunzio, and Paul London who is my rooting interest here based solely on how awesome it was when Snitsky clotheslined him off the apron in the previous year's Royal Rumble. This match is *busy* man just crazy busy which is what you would expect and I am not about to tell you that were not some cool moves because on the contrary there were such as a top-rope swinging neckbreaker and a pretty sick brainbuster and best of all a "shooting star press" off the top turnbuckle to the outside and lol the dudes charged with the task of catching Paul London kind of fucked that up a little bit on that one. In the end Gregory Helms who is significantly uglier than I thought he would be won the match after a "shining wizard" which is a technique or *waza* that everybody was pretty into for a while there weren't they. Also on the topic of "waza" at one point Tazz was like "hey that's a cross arm breaker also known as a 'juji gatame' and it's a great technique" and I was like yuuusssssssssssss.
Then we get some backstage vignettes in which wrestlers visit Vince McMahon to draw their numbers for the Royal Rumble and unsurprisingly our egotistical chairman is surrounded by a bevy of tittering *sexy ladies* consisting of Torrie Wilson and I think that's Candace Michelle and that is definitely Victoria and I feel kind of bad for Victoria because really she should be out there dropping vertebreakers on cats not sitting on Vince McMahon's lap but sometimes not always but sometimes wrestling can be sexist. Randy Orton selects his number whilst attired in one of those pretty cool "rKo" shirts styled after the nWo shirts of yore and then Triple H comes in and there is *tension* and at this point Triple H had gone full Lemmy/surly Harley Race with his facial hair and his t-shirt has a great big iron cross and then a pile of skulls so he is probably a horrible Third Reich apologist or maybe he just likes things that are cool looking idk. Triple H delivers some *risqué* lines here like "Torrie would you open your box for me" and "Candace would you hold my ball" which actually makes him sound like a monorchid and then when Triple H draws a number that we are meant to understand to have been unfavourable to him he gives this WHUH? facial reaction which is somewhat broader that one would expect from a man who would go on to star alongside Parker Posey and Michael Rappaport in a feature film but who am I to judge such matters. They do another one of these later where Big Show can't fit his hand in the thing you know the *thing* because he is a giant and so a ladaaaay has to draw his number for him and Vince is like "lol looks a blue ball" and he is the only one who lols in the entire universe at that moment. Rey Mysterio comes in and is like hi everybody I am going to be blessed by Eddie Guerrero tonight because he is *shoot* dead now after a deeply troubling toothbrushing incident what is good. However when he draws his number it is difficult to tell whether Eddie has helped him draw a good number or if he has become a trickster figure this ethereal Guerrero and has instead bestowed upon him a bad number and I am not sure if this is a deliberate ambiguity in the performance or if Rey Mysterio stinks at acting well let me rephrase that because I *know* Rey Mysterio stinks at acting but maybe this was his crowning moment of it or something. I went to a Smackdown(!) taping in Toronto when they were in the midst of the Eddie/Rey paternity issue or whatever it was exactly and I don't know how all of that came off on television but "in the building" it was a turkey man a turkey.
Also backstage Mickie James tells Trish Stratus that she loves her and then Stratus referees a match between James and "Ashley" who is a "Diva Search" "winner" and man oh man is she ever "green" out there like arguably the worst in-ring wrestling performer I have ever seen and the only thing that pulls me through this match is the memory that at some point Mickie James taunted an opponent in such a way that strongly suggested *the licking of pussy* and while I genuinely do prefer my pretend fighting to be squarely PG in nature that was a hell of a thing for real. Also this Royal Rumble show is going to feature Edge at the height of his Rated-R Superstardom and in the opening montage tonight there were all kinds of shots of that time he had pretend sex with Lita LIVE ON RAW and that whole deal was pretty great iirc and lol Matt Hardy got fired. Anyway Mickie James wins but you seriously wouldn't believe how poor Ashley is in this and really you just feel bad for her because there is no reason somebody who couldn't do the most basic stuff should be "working" in front of a crowd at all let alone at the prestigious 2006 Royal Rumble right? The final pre-Rumble match saw JBL accompanied by Jillian Hall bested by The BOOGEYMAN who is like some kind of racialist living nightmare of tribal blackness or something and he eats worms and symbolically rapes the blonde-haired presumably blue-eyed (but I am not checking) Jillian Hall before the match and after a pump-handle slam on the man who failed in his racial duty to protect her it is like lol WELCOME EVERYONE TO PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING
So as I say this has been pretty shitty so far but the Royal Rumble proper is up next and I always *always* expect the best however isn't it weird to put the Rumble on in the middle of the show? I would literally never do that if I had my hands on "the book" and in time it is likely that I will. Once again the match is organized at least loosely around this being fifteen dudes from Raw and fifteen from Smackdown(!) and it would seem that Rey Mysterio is dedicating his performance in this 2006 Royal Rumble to the memory of his fallen bro and so is this maybe the one he wins? Also did I maybe watch this one at O'Grady's? Only time will tell! If the answer to either of those two questions is "yes" then this the last one I saw for a while. In place of prerecorded comments from a bunch of guys we instead get a pretty rad video package highlighting a number of dudes and things and yeah it's exciting. OK so we have finally reached the post-Finkel era as Lillian Garcia is in there to explain the premise to us and idk man she seems nice HOWEVER she is interrupted by the Spirit Squad who I had completely forgotten about but who were *awesome* and they do a cheer and lol I love it. "Ladies and gentlemen," Lillian Garcia says, "I have been asked to say 'let's hear it for the Spirit Squad'" ahahaha that was *great*. Once again we are looking at ninety-second intervals and I guess I am going to just have to accept that going forward as it appears to have become standard at this point.
We learn straight away that Triple H was right to respond like WHUH? when he drew his number because as it turns out it is number one and you know what the number one entry should *always* be somebody who could plausibly win the Royal Rumble like a guy who as soon as he comes out at number one you are like "you know what I could totally see them have this guy go the distance" because then it plants a seed man it plants a *seed.* lol ok there is this one guy in the crowd wearing a "'beater" as it is known and he fuckin loves him some Triple H hahaha he is *awesome* let me screencap this business for you:
In all honesty I feel *exactly* like that guy feels during Triple H's entrance because it is pretty much the best entrance in the history of pretending to fight and iirc Bill Simmons aka The Sports Guy once said in passing that he would pay like $3000 or something to do Triple H's entrance on the condition that people would respond to him the way they do to Triple H and although I am almost certainly remembering that number wrong it is nevertheless a fair price imo and is perhaps revealing of what value I myself would place on such an experience? Who can say. Rey Mysterio is in at number two and he comes out in a "low rider" and an Eddie Guerrero t-shirt and let me say first of all that going forward I will hold no distinction between he who enters first and wins the Rumble and he who enters second and does the same because it is the same feat and as was first pointed out to us years ago number two is perhaps a *worse* draw than number one in certain circumstances. Another thing I would like to say and this is really kind of a confession and that is that in the last few years I have found myself a little bit tired of Rey Mysterio and it hurts me to say that a little but it is nevertheless true and it's not like he is no longer good at all the things that he does in fact he is still *very* good at them but I just don't care as much as I would like to in all honesty. But if anything is going to reinvigorate the feelings that I *should* have about Rey Mysterio it is this the Royal Rumble which maybe he goes the distance in and wins. The match begins very well indeed because both Rey Mysterio and Triple H have what a little league coach of my youth would call "an idea out there" and then Simon Dean comes out on a segway and lol man I totally liked that character. Mysterio and Triple H do away with him in short order and PSYCOSIS BABY YEAH of the Mexicools is out next but fares not much better as he is head-scissored over the top by well why don't you guess if it was by Rey Mysterio or Triple H. Now we have "Nature Boy" Ric Flair and he and Triple H go at it pretty good here and at first I am like wtf I thought they were bros but Michael Cole who is calling this match *quite well* alongside Jerry Lawler reminds me that these two had some BLOODY BRAWLS late in the previous year and then I am like "oh yeah." Triple H backdrops Flair out before the next competitor is called and when that competitor is called he is called the Big Show and yeah that's right I use the article when I refer to him. Triple is doing some Flairesque selling for the Big Show but he is putting his own unique stamp on it and look I will say it again Triple H is just really good at wrestling professionally and while I acknowledge that that is by no means *all* there is to it it is at least a thing worth mentioning.
Another thing perhaps worth mentioning: two like heralds or something open this big swinging gate for each dude to enter through and it is *not a cool thing* and out next is Coachman but the Big Show pie-faces him out immediately and this very same Show presses Triple H straight over head and then chops Triple H in the corner and lol now he has wobbly legs Triple H does. Rey Mysterio has taken a powder for like the last four minutes btw. Out comes Bobby Lashley who arguably works out and we are told that he is at this point undefeated and is the upcoming Wrestlemania the one where Lashley wrestles as Donald Trump's proxy and Trump could never remember the guy's name when he was promoting the match and always seemed just short of referring to him as "my black" or something? Maybe that's the one after the next one; I'm not checking. Lashley and the Big Show who honestly I keep wanting to call "The Giant" which is a much better name imo do some fairly compelling stuff while Triple H and Mysterio chill and next out we have Kane and I *think* the crowd briefly chants LET'S GO KANE but I'm not sure. Lashley belly-to-belly suplexes Kane and not long after hits him with a the black nationalist finishing technique sometimes called THE DOMINATOR and it's pretty cool! Sylvan Grenier is the next to enter but Lashley tosses him after like fifteen seconds. In kind of a cool thing both Kane and the Big Show chokeslam Lashley at once and then toss him out and surely no one could hold that against Lashley. Triple H is basically asleep in one corner while Mysterio is struggling in the other while Kane and the Big Show are in double goozle position along the ropes and HEEEEY TRIPLE H ELIMINATES BOTH OF YOUR TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS in a single tipping and it's particularly exciting tipping because he had been out of it totally for ages.
Carlito is in next and I like him but I think the I SPIT APPLES INTO THE HEAD AND NECK AREA OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO HAVE THE AUDACITY TO THINK THEY ARE COOL WHEN IN FACT THE REALITY IS LARGELY TO THE CONTRARY preamble to his music is cumbersome. Carlito and Rey have a cool exchange that culminates in a fuckin backcracker *par excellence* and Rey makes the best selling sounds man they are like the complete opposite of Lex Luger's worst-ever selling sounds. Everyone else ever falls somewhere betwen those two polarities. AND NOW CHRIS BENOIT who suplexes and chops dudes until he Crippler Crossfaces Carlito which is not a great move *strategically* as it allows Triple H to "get the drop on him* and in a really cool bit Benoit is on the apron and Triple H is on the inside and they tease suplexes for a *really* long time until Triple H puts him on the top turnbuckle and so we are thinking OK cool let's get a superplex here BUT NO it ends up being a swandive headbutt (why do I call it that? is that what they call it in Fire Pro?) and yeah that was great. United States champion BOOKER T comes to the ring at number thirteen (they are displaying the numbers which again might be too much knowledge and I am increasingly a Tiresius not an Oedipus on this one and forgive me if that is an analogy I have already used in these pages) and he is accompanied by his lovely wife however Benoit puts him out right away and man Booker T really sucks at Royal Rumbles. Here comes Joey Mercury accompanied by Melina and wait are their two sets of tag team champions at this point? Anyway he is wearing a tag team title tucked into his waistband and hanging down in front like an immaculate golden dong and there can be no doubt that Joey Mercury is not as cool as John Morrison. Benoit suplexes him.
lol it is TATANKA in at number fifteen and sure why the hell not and he is looking good out there man just straight up TOMAHAWK CHOPPIN' dudes and yipping and now the crowd is doing the Seminoles/Braves chant thing and by any reasonable standard the return of Tatanka has to be considered an unqualified success only sixty seconds in. Here comes JOHNNY NITRO who is a man with abdominal muscles and ooooooooh Benoit had Triple H on the apron but "The Game" is still alive and to this Royal Rumble midpoint has been the best guy there. Trevor Murdoch is aptly described by Jerry "The King" Lawler as "looking like a big bottle of milk" and yeah there is a certain Bulldog Bob Brownishness to his physical appearance and they are *really* playing on this "EDDIE GUERRERO IS LOOKING DOWN FROM HEAVEN AND SAVES HIS DEAR FRIEND REY FROM ELIMINATION ONCE AGAIN" stuff. Eugene is in and remember when the thing that concerned us on the internet was how Chris Benoit was the World Heavyweight Champion but his matches were overshadowed by the Triple H vs. Eugene feud but then later it became like lol I wish the thing we were concerned about Chris Benoit on the internet was that he was the World Heavyweight Champion but his matches were overshadowed by the Triple H vs. Eugene feud. Road Warrior Animal of the Legion of Doom got fat and also he is the guy to make a surprising return to the Royal Rumble next. Lawler is doing shtick and Micheal Cole is like it's good that you've got that fresh material King to help the evening roll along and I am like "lol."
ROOOOOB VAAAAAAAAAN DAAAAAAAAAAAM is back apparently from injury and he is as "over" as his punches to the chin of Triple H are "shitty" which is to say *extremely* and I love RVD man I used him on Fire Pro while I was in the bathroom *just last night* as he eliminates Animal here and now it is Orlando Jordan who I think was pretty good. The RVD chants continue here at the sold-out American Airlines Arena in Miami which looks like a very fine building except that there are two really wide aisles in sight of the main camera view which look for all the world like empty seats and it is a little bit distracting but not *too* distracting so I will be OK don't worry. "OOOOOOOH CHAAAAAAAAAVO" is what the girlies say but you have put on a little weight haven't you Chavito and the crowd chants "Eddie" and Chavo does a little shuffly Eddie dance and then hits the "three amigos" in tribute to his dead wrestler uncle who was more like a dead wrestler brother to him and he goes up top but oh no has been pushed to the floor by "The Cerebral Assassin"! OOOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHH DUN DA DUN DA dA DUNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNN MATT HARDY and man people loved the Hardy Boyzzz didn't they. We've got quite a crowd at the moment and that crowd consists of Triple H , Mysterio, RVD, Eugene, Nitro, Mercury, Tatanka, Jordan, Carlito, Hardy, Murcdoch, and Benoit. MNM eliminate Tatanka just in time for SUPER CRAZY to hit the ring and come off the top with a "cross body" on both Nitro and Mercury and Super Crazy covers his entire body with attire because of shame. Triple H keeps on getting near-eliminated in case you were wondering what he has been doing.
Shawn Michaels *thinks* he's cute, but *knows* he's sexy and everybody is bouncing around for his little pitterpat right hands in deference to his many years of excellence inside the squared circle which is very nice of them. Trevor Murdoch dives out over "HBK" who has pulled the top rope down in a maneuver that recalls "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan's elimination of the One Man Gang to win the inaugural Royal Rumble match so many years ago and lol here is Chris Masters who had the utter gall to go off steroids for like a *second* and Triple H on air was like "lol u r skinny bro why so skinny" and it was pretty cool. Who do we have at number twenty seven well it is the "world's largest love machine" which in this case is Viscera and I guess WWE "creative" thought that very large black men who were interested in tha ladaaayz was comedy gold much as great big fat black women in the mold of Sapphire or Shelton Benjamin's mom who stopped by earlier are also the best. Viscera tosses Matt Hardy btw. RIGHT ON CUE IT IS SHELTON BENJAMIN AND HIS MOMMA and Benoit eliminates Eugene and weren't they buddies the previous summer? Every-man-for-himself though I guess is the reality here. At number twenty-nine it is GOLDUST who I guess had not been around for a while but we are all no doubt pleased to see him return. Man Chris Masters is huuuuuuuuuge at this point but you know who else is too? Orlando Jordan. So which World Wrestling Entertainment Superstar of a wrestler drew the coveted thirtieth number it is "THE LEGEND KILLER" RANDY ORTON who is a very good wrestler and there are a *ton* of guys out there now including Rey Mysterio and Triple H who I would remind you have been in this match since its beginning and ORTON ELIMINATES BENOIT and it is an RKO on Viscera and then Carlito and Masters eliminate Viscera and Masters is like YEAH BABAY but Carlito takes that opportunity to toss Masters who is not thrilled. For I believe the second time in Royal Rumble history Goldust has done that middle-turnbuckle groin kick, this time on Carlito, and it's a pretty good bit! Immediately thereafter though RVD hits a soft-as-softest-shit spinning heel kick that Goldust has to like propel himself over the top for and Orton just put Orlando Jordan out in kind of a cool way where Jordan was on the apron and Orton like pulled him down such that he was "stun gunned" or something.
So we've got Orton, Nitro, Mercury, RVD, Carlito, Rey Rey, Triple H, Michaels and Shelton Benjamin all still out there and Shawn Michaels is all like KIP UP and stuff and he puts both Nitro and Mercury out and then "skins the cat" but Benjamin hits HBK with what Cole calls a "dragon kick" which I like the sound of very much! OH SHIT that was one hell of a superkick elimination of Shelton Benjamin and so it would seem that Shelton Benjamin's promise to Mr. McMahon that he would eliminate Shawn Michaels will go unfulfilled and here is McMahon himself down at ringside but unlike last year he has not blown out both fuckin legs lol OH NO IT IS SHANE MCMAHON WHO HAS SNUCK UP FROM BEHIND AND ELIMINATED SHAWN MICHAELS AND I THINK THAT IS PRETTY STUPID AND NOW HBK IS BACK IN AND HE SUPERKICKS TRIPLE H and yeah that was all kind of dumb really.
RVD puts Carlito out with another pretty awful looking kick lol I *love* that guy so our final four is RVD, Orton, Mysterio, and Triple H which is a pretty awesome final four imo and Mysterio and RVD kind of slip each other some skin like bros might thereby suggesting a temporary alliance and yeah actually they are doing awesome moves that involve RVD chucking Mysterio on dudes much as Kane would chuck RVD on dudes in days of auld lang syne. RVD just went out in kind of a cool way as he had been *crotched* on the top turnbuckle by Triple H and then Mysterio is like flipped into him headfirst and so RVD tumbles out and after a Triple H and Orton team-up on Mysterio for a while which is like "shades" of Evolution is it not? Mysterio gets on a roll and hits a double 619 and some stuff like that and Lawler is like I FEEL THE PRESENCE OF EDDIE GUERRERO and let me tell you that this is not a subtle thing they are doing here even by the standards or this our most loved sport. YEEEAAAAHH Mysterio body-scissors Triple H over in a cool way and Triple H has been the best in this match man *the best* and he is not pleased about the way his night has ended so just as Mysterio was about to face off against Orton, Triple H hauls the little fella out from under the bottom rope and "Irish whips" him into the ring steps. So now we've got Mysterio who has been in there for the duration of the entire match thus far and Orton who came in as the last dude and OH SHIT HURRICANRANA TYPE COUNTER THING AND IT IS ALL OVER good job Rey Mysterio you did a really good job out there little guy good for you! He is all *pointing towards the heavens* and stuff. That was a pretty good Royal Rumble! I would definitely say that Triple H was the best guy out there in that one but Rey was also very good and Michael Cole paints a word-portrait of Mysterio wrestling his first match in a run-down church in Tijuana at the age of fifteen that is *vivid.*
How dumb is it that there are still matches now? I would say plenty! But they are matches I am not *in principle* opposed to otherwise so I'm sure I will be OK. Backstage we are shown Mysterio in celebration with Benoit and YEAH DEAN MALENKO YEAAAAHH and Chavo but then Edge and Lita stop by and lol they were awesome and Edge is like "hey bravo you finally won the big one *about time bro*" and first up yeah we've got "The Rated R" Superstar Edge who has really come into his own here and he is defending against former champion John Cena. We are reminded that Edge had won the inaugural Money in the Bank match which is a *great* concept that I am totally into and I guess he "cashed in" his shot against a bloodied John Cena who had just survived a grueling "Elimination Chamber" and yeah that was that. I believe it was around this time when I read an interview with Edge at like IGN of all places and he was like "I want to play a heel with no redeeming characteristics at all like *none*" and he pretty much managed that except for when as I have mentioned he and Lita had simulated sex on Raw which was one of the most ridiculous and best things to have ever been on wrestling probably and a boob got out as you can see here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJ_HnRBt_bw
also prior to that it was like this:
like idk man you are aware of my antipathy towards the Era called Attitude so I am not of the opinion that sleaze necessarily makes for good wrestling in fact I am kind of of the view that it is otherwise but this particular sleaze that we are currently discussing seems to me to have been utterly transcendent sleaze of the highest calibre and it enriched the culture basically.
Interestingly John Cena makes his entrance atop this elaborate multiple catwalk structure that descends from the rafters and looks pretty expensive. Edge's entrance is much more of the kind we are used to as it goes *zzrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnn* you think you know me BADADADADADADADADADADADA OOOOON THIS DAAAAAAAAY and lol he still has Cena's spinner belt which does not auger well for a long title reign despite his insistence that he will not be a "transitional champion" does it and hey what is up Amy "Lita" Dumas you used to do rad moves sometimes and I like your hair and do you still keep in touch with Essa Rios? This is probably going to be a good match I think! In the early going it is a lot of *brawling on the outside* including a pretty cool SPEAR into the ring steps and soon thereafter a "baseball slide" that sends Cena into the first row. Edge is firmly in control here ladies and gentlemen and he is also going "you can't see me" which is ice cold of him. A hearty "Let's go Cena/Let's go Edge" gets going and the thing where half the crowd loves Cena and half the crowd can't stand him has been going on pretty much forever hasn't it? Also I am not ashamed to admit that I am still thinking about Lita a little right now and what I am thinking about specifically is that her autobiography Lita: A Less Traveled R.O.A.D: Reality of Amy Dumas probably has the shittiest title of anything ever but maybe it's good idk. Jerry Lawler complains that Edge is just so *full* of himself now that he is champion and who could argue. Oh yeah I should tell you that Joey Styles is the play-by-play guy for the matches involving dudes of Raw and I know the internet line on him is that he is only good with Paul E. Dangerously in his earpiece or what have you but I think he's pretty good and I am not concerned with how that effect is achieved.
I don't really think I like missile dropkicks as much as I'm supposed to but Edge lands one. lol not long thereafter Cena has a run of much improved luck come to a halt when he misses a top rope leg drop which is a seriously comical move when it is missed and I'm not sure why but IT IS. We are well into the era in which when a dude gets both "hooks" in and has any kind of "chin lock" of "sleeper hold" or anything they call it a "rear naked choke" and I'm not going to go through the whole thing again but I think that's kind of a funny thing to do. John Cena gets on top of this whole situation eventually though and hits what Joey Style calls "A SEATED BELLY-TO-BACK POWERBOMB" which is an utterly absurd thing to call what just happened but nevertheless there is an STFU and HOOOOOOOLY SHIT HE TAPPED TO THAT and I have no recollection of that move being the kind of thing that would end a title match clean in the centre of the ring but there you go! Not a great match by any stretch but it was a good one for sure. Backstage Lita is asked for comment but she is interrupted by "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan who as you know has a distinguished history at the Royal Rumble and he is like I AM HERE TO SAY HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and this is done to disparage Lita who I am reminded here is a *horrible* actress but again cool moves and pretty hair so let's not be picky.
Kurt Angle who is set to defend his World Heavyweight Championship against Mark Henry is kind of losing coherence here in his pre-match interview with the floppy-haird Josh Matthews. Mark Henry accompanied to the ring by Davari is as you know a rad guy and he is my definite rooting interest in this one. Apparently he put BIG DAVE out of action recently and then Kurt Angle won a battle royal to claim the title which sounds kind of stupid if you ask me. OK so we are well into this match and so far the only thing that I have liked all that much is when Mark Henry was bear hugging Kurt Angle for a while and then Angle escaped with a hip throw but then Angle gets a bunch of his moves in like the German suplex and the Angle slam and whatnot and I don't want to see any of it I want to see Mark Henry just squish this dude I don't want to see STRAPS DOWN ANKLE LOCK HE MEANS BUSINESS because I am tired of Kurt Angle at this point guys I am tired of him. Ref bump; chairs and stuff; Mark Henry kicks out but is soon thereafter sent headlong into a *hadaka* turnbuckle; Angle rolls him up "with a handful of tights" and that's that OR IS IT as after the match the Undertaker is wheeled out in a fucking chariot pulled by a white horse I shit you not in the *least* and then he fuckin shoots lightning at the ceiling and at the ring and the ring collapses and then one of the babies looked at me and this suuuuuuuuucks and also why would you put any matches *at all* after the Royal Rumble? You don't need a main event for the Royal Rumble; the Royal Rumble is the main event of the Royal Rumble. This shit is *basic.*
OK SO HERE IS THE DEAL WITH THE 2005 ROYAL RUMBLE LIVE FROM FRESNO and that is that it is totally conceivable that I saw this one but maybe I didn't. At this time I was often watching Monday Night Raw and also a bunch of World Wrestling Entertainment Pay Per VIew Extravaganzas at a bar on College Street a little east of Spadina and so mere blocks away from College and Clinton which has been heralded/denounced as one of about a half dozen geographic spaces in North America that gave rise in a real way to the 1999-2003 (which is to say phase one) postmodern hipster and I don't remember if I went to see this one or not. Not only did I not have pay per view ordering capacity at this time in my life but I did not in fact have cable television which in the Canadian context means that I only got like three channels and while in my youth this would have been a sufficient number of channels to allow the viewing of wrestling this was not at all the case in 2005 and so O'Grady's it was for wrestling nights hosted by John Pollock and Jason Agnew and Dan Lovranski who you may internet-wrestling-know as the gentlemen behind THE LAW LIVE AUDIO WRESTLING and it was a motley fuckin crew that showed up to these nights at O'Grady's let me tell you but obviously I was among their number so I am not about to front on them in a way that would demean us all but mostly me. In any event I definitely don't remember who wins even if I did indeed see it and although I am well aware that this event puts us on the road to Wrestlemania XXI and I am *certain* I watched that one at O'Grady's I am just as certain that I don't remember what the main event was so I am going into this one a pure and chaste young girl of a man watching deviants hug competitively.
Our opening contest is well it is "contested" frankly between "The Heart Break Kid" Shawn Michaels who is by this time afflicted by both male pattern baldness and also by having sort of a lousy body but he is pretty old so it's ok and now coming down the aisle zzzzzrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn *you think you know me* BADADADADADADADADADADA OOOON THIS DAAY from Toronto Ontario Canada it is without question EDGE as Howard Finkel man he is still out there and I would have told you he retired in like 2000. As you would expect, these two proceed to have not just A Good Match but in fact A Very Good Match Indeed to the extent that like if this was the title match main event of a pay per view you'd have been like "yeah that one delivered." There were all kinds of good bits on the outside including a SPEAR while HBK's attention was briefly not where it should have been and back in the ring there were a bunch of FINISHER attempts that got countered in pretty cool ways like when Edge applied an *electric chair* out of superkick and stuff like that before Edge ended up grabbing a handful of tights and pretty much every inch of rope in the entire ring for the finish. All of that was really very good but what really struck me during this match was a couple of somewhat peripheral things and they are: (i) I think Mike Chioda is the best pro wres referee I have seen and I am not sure I would be able to enumerate the reasons why exactly but I am pretty sure it is true and (ii) few probably doubt this but Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are so awesome man just *so awesome* and they are without question the announcers foremost in my heart and mind and well not body but everywhere else.
We are backstage with Bischoff and Teddy Long and Torrie and Christy Hemme and I am reminded that I think I watched every Monday Night Raw during that whole Diva search fiasco with like "MY BUTT IS HUNGRYYYY" and all that stuff jesus christ I had completely forgotten about that and now it's back. Ric Flair and Eddie Guerrero are there to draw their numbers and Flair is pleased with his draw and Eddie less so with his but then Eddie goes in for the hug of wellwishery and lol he switches the numbers man you have got to watch that Eddie Guerrero and Ric Flair is pretty funny here so I am going to give this backstage segment my unreserved approval. The next backstage thing is between Snitsky and Heidenreich and lol ok yeah I think I *have* seen this before because it is familiar to me here and oh yeah also *it is insane*:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACVVsptHHdM#t=11s
The Phil Collins song is not in the original but if anything it softens the madness of it. Snitsky I think is remembered quite fondly by many of us is he not? I associate Snitsky with baby punting on the one hand and Eugene on the other not that I am sure he ever actually did anything with Eugene other than be on Raw at roughly the same time. Wait is Heidenreich supposed to be a Nazi or something? If so they should have been way less subtle with it imo and gone pretty much full Killer Karl Krup.
[img]http://www.onlineworldofwrestling.com/pictures/k/killerkarlkrup/04.jpg[/img]
Anyway yeah Heidenreich's aversion to caskets is not unlike my own aversion to casket matches so I can appreciate his position here. The casket is walked to the ring amid chanting by four cloaked dudes referred to as druids and I hate it. Michael Cole suggest that there will be no poetry here Tazz just violence or something. We're back to spoooooooky Undertaker after several years of DEAD MAN WALKIN' *BONG* KEEEEEP ROLLIN ROLLIN ROLLIN Undertaker and I don't know man I just don't know. I will let you know if anything really awesome happens here but I have my doubts. Well OK this is cool: the Undertaker is entering his *shoot* period here so he is triangle choking dude in the corner atop the ropes and then on the ground and it's actually neat if like *incredibly* lose but that's the problem when you do moves that are legit I guess: if you make them look *really* real a dude would be out and that would not be good for business and now SNITSKY IS IN HE'S FROM RAW WHAT IS HE DOING HERE THIS IS A SMACKDOWN ISSUE but then Kane pops out of the casket HE IS SNITSKY'S ENEMY and this sucks *a lot* right now. After a bunch of fucking around Heidenreich drives the casket into the Undertaker in a way that is kind of cool and then he applies a version of the *Cobra Clutch* or *Million Dollar Dream* but fuckin casket matches man they're just stupid it is like NOOOO HERE IS AN ARM STICKING OUT OF THE CASKET HE IS NOT DONE YET although you know what here's a good one: with Heidenreich half in the casket the Undertaker does a leg drop from the apron to the casket lid and I am not so desirous of being right about casket matches that I am going to pretend that that wasn't pretty rad. Chokeslam; tombstone; that's it. Look this was fine and for a casket match pretty good in fact but I just don't think they should ever have them ever not even once not ever.
Backstage again Teddy Long is like hey Eddie Guerrero I know you took Flair's number and then Flair and *Trips* and BIG DAVE come in and Triple H is like GIVE IT UP JUMPIN' BEAN and lol Triple H is in a cutoff tshirt and shorts and he probably thinks he looks like He-Man but he looks more like Prince Adam to me right here *burn* and there is also unrest in the Evolution camp as Big Dave and his sick vasculature bro is a little bit at odds with Triple H for some reason. Christian is going to draw his number and so is Cena with his "RUCK FULES" shirt and lol Christian is going to rap ok he gets a beat from Tomko lol no he doesn't but he goes MY NAME IS CHRISTIAN THE KING OF CRUNK / I'LL TAKE YA TO SCHOOL CENA AND YOU'RE GONNA FLUNK / I'M CAPTAIN CHARISMA / I'M . . . uh . . . CAPTAIN CHARISMA READ 'EM AND WEAPS / I'M GONNA THROW YOU OUT FOR ALL OF MY PEEPS / AND JUST LIKE DRACULA COMES FROM TRANSYLVANIA / I'M WINNING THE RUMBLE AND GOING ON TO WRESTLEMANIA which is reasonably tight and then Cena implies that Christian is a homosexual which Cena thinks makes him less of a person I guess which says more about him than it does Christian imo.
Kurt Angle and his increasingly fucked up looking body makes his way to the ring to face the Big Show and JBL in a *Triple Threat Match* for the World Wrestling Federation Championship and this might be alright maybe right? What a weird thing it was when wrestling just came on TV one night and all of a sudden Bradshaw was part of the 1% and a main-event *heel* instead of a big guy who played cards with Ron Simmons. I think a warm-up jacket with a towel around the neck plus trunks should pretty much be the default gear that dudes wear down to the ring so I respect JBL for that decision that he has made and also his lariatooooo owns and makes me think of Wolf from Virtua Fighter who I used almost exclusively until they put in a judo guy in Virtua Figher 4: Evolution which is the best. I should point out that we have reached a time and place in professional wrestling history where pretty much *every* chop is met with a resounding WOOOOOOOOO and near falls a TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and I am fine with the former but the latter I am actually nuts about, like I *love* going TWOOOOOOOOOO. This match is pretty much a "wild brawl" and is largely contested on the outside. The Big Show was about to choke slam JBL from the ring steps (which had been placed adjacent to the announce table) through the announce table that I mentioned parenthetically a moment ago but Kurt Angle hit him with a pretty serious low blow and then with a television monitor actually and that sent him crashing through the table freeing JBL and Angle up to wrestle in the ring for a bit and before you know it we've got some German suplexes and I am told by Tazz and Michael Cole that Angle hit JBL with eight consecutive German suplexes in a match on the previous episode of Smackdown(!) and yeah I have not seen that or anything so I don't know this but it sounds excessive to me.
The Big Show is back in and he's slamming dudes first to the mat and then on top of each other and then into the corner and double clothesline and stuff and now Big Show has followed Angle's lead in ridding himself of his cumbersome singlet strap and thus symbolically ridding himself of all constraint but it is Angle who hits the "Angle Slam" on Big Show however JBL kicks *him* in the face but is himself then chokeslammed and lol Tazz really does say "goozle" at every opportunity doesn't he aaaaaaaaaaaaahahaha cool OK so on the outside JBL was leaning against the barricade and the Big Show just kind of tackles him and they break through the almost certainly *gimmicked* barricade and I like stuff like that. EMTs and chief of staff Orlando Jordan are out to attend to JBL as Angle's introduction of a steel chair into the proceedings immediately works against him but Mark Jindrack and Luther Reigns assail the Big Show so wait what is going on here OK Orlando Jordan who I believe is a *shoot* homosexual (also whatever happened to that guy) rolls the barely coherent JBL back into the ring and he is like LARIATOOOOOOOO on Angle and that's that. Pretty good garbage match with all kinds of crazy bullshit!
And now BIG DAVE is backstage and he runs into Carlito who I always thought was neat with the apple thing honestly and he is asking Batista to sign a petition to remove Theodore Long as Smackdown General Manager or something and then we walk in on Long and Bischoff being all boastful about the relative merits of their own "brand" and it seems awfully dumb however we do learn that Evolution has been banned from ringside for the upcoming WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP bout in which Triple H defends his title against Randy Orton who had been in Evolution you will recall but then after he defeated Chris Benoit at The Summerslam 2004 which is of course once again totally the The Summerslam that I attended and then the next night Triple H was like *thumbs down to you bro* and then of course extensive feuding and here we are! This should be a good match because both of these guys are good imo.
HEY nothing you can SAY something something GONNA TAKE WHAT'S MIIIIIIIIINE as it is Randall K. Orton to whom I believe Bret "Hitman" Hart recently referred in a *shoot* context as "one of the great technical wrestlers" or words to that effect and TIIIIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAAME it is Triple H yeeeeeeeah let's have a match for THE BIG GOLD BELT refereed by Earl Hebner who is still really hard to understand when he talks except I guess when he's counting which is pretty clear and that's the most important part for him in fairness. Really good pace to start the match and lol Orton went for the RKO maybe forty-five seconds into the match and Triple H bailed to the outside in completely understandable fear of that *finishing* technique that might well be described as "quicker than a hiccup" were any of us folksy Oklahomans of the highest calibre. Hey so when you drop a guy face first on the top turnbuckle have we all just decided to call that move "snake eyes" forever HOOOOOOLY COW lol OK Orton went for the RKO and Triple H just like pushed him over the top rope like *boop* and Orton lands hard on the floor; that was awesome. Lawler is like "that is why they call that man 'The Cerebral Assassin'" however in truth nobody calls him that. You only get so many names bro and that is one name too many imo. A small but determined "Randy Sucks" chant gets going just as Orton's little comeback is *cutoff* with a chop-block to a left leg damaged in an assault from like a week ago or something and also taped to signify that. IF Randy Orton *had* an advantage in quickness and speed *IF* he had that it is now gone Jim Ross says.
The inevitable (and I do not mean that in a bad way) figure four attempt is first met with a "small package" that Triple H escapes only to yeah OK only to successfully apply that estimable leglock and I bet if I were to really think about the best pretend submission holds the figure four would be *very* near the top of that list right up there with the Sharpshooter and the Million Dollar Dream and the good ol' Sleeper and other excellent submission holds that I enjoy a lot. Orton of course reverses the hold eventually which is really the best way to go about escaping and things start to look up for him especially when he hits that cool neckbreaker thing where he drops to his knee and the dude is like OOOOF off Orton's back you know that I'm talking about and the crowd is a little bit like BOOOOOOOO as he gets going which leads me to believe Orton was not quite as *over* as a *baby face* as might have been hoped for him at this time. Or perhaps the people of Fresno are simply being willfully perverse like the crowds of Montreal and Toronto and Philadelphia and actually I heard some comments from Phil Brooks who perhaps you know better as World Wrestling Entertainer "CM Punk" again in a *shoot* context and he was talking about how those three cities in particular are intentionally perverse and preposterous in their reactions to things and it got me thinking about how it was odd that there has never been a Royal Rumble in either Montreal or Toronto and I was like is that purely by chance or would that not be a good idea because it could totally fuck up your plans on the "The Road to Wrestlemania" to have the crowd like take an enormous shit on a dude at the end of a Royal Rumble when you kind of need otherwise? That is probably overthinking things *tremendously* and misguidedly on my part and just a couple Royal Rumbles ago they did Philadelphia so that is not a theory that I am even going to properly advance to you here let alone stand behind.
This match continues to be totally fine as Randy Orton comes of the top with a cross body SHADES OF RICKY THE DRAGON STEAMBOAT is *right* JR but then it is Triple H with his cool facebuster and a Pedigree attempt that is countered into a catapult into the corner and an RKO attempt that is avoided and then it is Triple H with "a high Harley Race knee" which are words I like to hear and call to mind something else CM Punk said in this thing I was listening to in which he asked who among the all-time greats he would have most liked to wrestle and without missing a beat Punk was like "surly 1974 Harley Race" which is the correct answer and yeah that's right Leo Burke took him to a sixty minute draw at the Halifax Forum so what do you think about that. Triple H is like PEDIGREES but Orton is like NO, CLOTHESLINES and this is all pretty good and a little bit later Triple H is feigning outness a little but he manages to hook the top rope as Orton attempts a DDT and I think they are playing on a glassy-eyed concussion thing with Orton now as he has smacked his head off the canvas and boy his mouth is busted up pretty good after that "high Harley Race knee." Here comes the *ref bump* and one would expect some pretty good shenanigans here unless of course Triple H goes for yep he did he's got the sledgehammer and look I'm not going to do a whole entire thing every time the stupid fuckin sledgehammer comes out but what I will do instead is just say that I do not care for it. Triple H of course attempts to strike Orton with the sledgehammer on the outside but Orton who is still acting a though he has been hell of concussed pulls Triple H forward into the ring post and Triple H rolls around on the ground grabbing his forehead a lot so I am kind of expecting a pretty cool *blade job* however it is not yet in evidence so hmmm I guess not however he DID bury Orton with a really cool clothesline and then he picks him up as though he were a sack of potatoes and "Pedigrees" him and that's that. A pretty good match. You'll definitely see both guys have better ones but this was good.
Nunzio has his number for the Royal Rumble but Kurt Angle steals it from him in an act of bullying; JBL and his associates are pleased that he has emerged victorious from the triple threat match earlier in the evening however he is not thrilled to hear that he will have to defend his title against the Big Show in a barbed-wire steel cage for some reason; and NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE ROYAL RUMBLE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN YEEEEAAAH and in at number one is Eddie Guerrero participating in his final Royal Rumble before his growth-hormone-enlarged heart exploded while he was brushing his teeth and Chavo found him :( and in at number two lol it is Chris Benoit and what can you do but lol man what can you even do but lol at this situation that opens your 2005 Royal Rumble. I wonder if they will "tear it up" in there for these first two minutes or ninety seconds or whatever it is exactly that we're doing tonight (why do they not just say?). Yeah so both of these guys are pretty good at wrestling as we see some nice basic exchanges of holds and what not but they all just look really good and OK these are ninety-second intervals we are looking at and also I will note that they are still displaying the number of each entrant which I have mixed feelings about. Daniel Puder is out next and remember when he hooked up a *shoot* *ude garami* or "entangled arm lock" or "double wrist lock" or *Kimura* that he probably wouldn't have been able to finish from half-guard anyway against Kurt Angle on television and then the internet was like ZOMG and I am not disparaging that reaction because it was mine as well? Well Guerrero and Benoit are chopping the shit out of this dude in the corner right now and this is sort of weird because I totally remember that happening which I mean between that and the Heidenreich/Snitsky thing earlier it suggests that I have indeed seen this whole thing before but I guess it just didn't leave that much of an impression and lol that was a pretty high-angle backdrop on Puder there Chris Benoit and now Hardcore Holly is in and he is just chopping the heck out of him. OK now all three of Holly, Benoit, and Guerrero are taking turns chopping him and lol Eddie is holding a cupped hand to his ear while the other two are chopping and this is kind of a hell of a thing. Puder is Alabama Slammed and tossed just as the Hurricane comes out and oh OK Eddie and Benoit just dumped Holly too. Eddie and Benoit seem to have formed a temporary alliance OR HAVE THEY as Eddie sneakily tries to get rid of Benoit but fails and there goes the Hurricane so I guess this is going to be Eddie v. Benoit with some other dudes coming in every now and then and that's probably OK.
Kenzo Suzuki enters the match at number six and he wasn't any good at all was he? Also 2005 seems a little late for a guy's whole gimmick to be "this is a Japanese guy" but what do I know about selling tickets to professional wrestling contests? Literally nothing. *zrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn* you think you know me DADADADADADADADADADADA ON THIS DAAAAAAY it is Edge and he is going hard at Eddie and lol Eddie hugs the bottom rope in an amusing fashion. WHO IS THAT JUMPING OUT THE SKY (sic) it is of course Rey Mysterio Jr. and he gets a ton of *moves* in on everybody and he head-scissors Suzuki right out. Tazz and JR are on commentary I should tell you and I should also tell you that it is dumb how Tazz is like "I am proud this guy is exclusively on Smackdown" and OK maybe it is not dumb but I don't like it. Shelton Benjamin is the next to enter and JR unsurprisingly describes him as the best pure athlete in the WWE but lol wtf Mysterio just chop blocked Shelton Benjamin and JR is like wtf and kids are like why Rey why? Booker T is out next and I continue to like him a lot. Did you know he owns or perhaps owned a successful clothing store in the Houston area? Eric Bischoff comes to ringside and I don't care. Benoit had Eddie in a Boston Crab but Mysterio like springboarded off the ropes of him which was cool. BREAK THE WALLS DOOOOOOOOOOWN and Jericho brings some much needed energy to the proceedings because nothing here has been bad or anything but it has in truth been maybe a little flat just like a *little* flat so far. Teddy Long just came out in case you were wondering.
Luther Reigns is sure to make everything extremely cool almost right away. Well actually things *do* get pretty cool for a minute right after that when the guys kind of line up as Raw dudes on one side and Smackdown(!) on the other and then they go at it and that was neat for a sec but this does not make the annoying thing that Tazz keeps doing. Here is Mohammad Hassan and I recall hearing from a guy who speaks Farsi that Davari or whatever Hassan's hype man was called really said all kinds of genuinely filthy shit whenever he was on *the stick* which was good news. OK so while the match had divided briefly along Raw v. Smackdown lines everyone is united in despising the Arab other even if lol he is actually an Italian dude and so they band together and he is gone in like a second. Scotty 2 Hotty comes out but a bitter and vengeful Hassan assaults him hideously on the outside showing neither sportsmanship nor class and boy the ring is pretty full right now so it must be time for KAAAAAAANE or something.
I am incorrect as it is Charlie Haas! A quick trip to wikipedia to check if that putative Arab with the Persian manager was in fact Italian (yes) reminds me about the London Bombings situation with the Hassan character and lol you might also want to remind yourself of that too if it had somehow fallen from from your consciousness at it had mine. Booker T clotheslines out first Luther Reigns and then Orlando Jordan but after a *spinnerooni* (sp?) Eddie pulls the ropes down and *woop.* Tazz seriously will not stop enumerating Smackdown(!) guys and it is fucking *tiresome.* YESSSSS RENE DUPREE WITH A POODLE NAMED FIFI YEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHH and man this dude is *yoked* and would not have thrived (nor thriven) in the Wellness Program era that was soon to unfold would he. Shelton Benjamin leaps to the top rope impressively but Edge pushes him out and JR is like "his athleticism came back to bite him" and he is speaking in racialist code imo. lol oh hey I had *totally* forgotten about THE SIMON SYSTEM and here is that guy doing that thing lol. Eddie and Rey did a bunch of cool things but right in the middle of it Edge comes over and tosses Eddie out and then does a little "Latino Heat" dance and it is great! Simon on the outside is doing divebomber pushups.
Shawn Michaels is in and lol Simon Dean is out and Michaels does a couple of "Hindu" squats afterwards in celebration. Eddie Guerrero is met with a really solid "EDDIE EDDIE" chant as he leaves which is nice because he would be dead soon :( . Fuck man Charlie Haas is bad at being at Royal Rumbles: for the second year in a row his elimination looks *so shitty* like among the shittiest looking eliminations ever. Kurt Angle is in and he suplexes everybody *except* Shawn Michaels who is like superkick --> ankle lock counter --> escape --> SUPERKICK ELIMINATION YEEEEAAH
Tazz I like you usually but you have to stop talking about which guys are on Smackdown seriously you have to you really really have to. Jonathan Coachman is in at number twenty-one and his approach is to strike Benoit from behind and then cower in the corner. Jericho might be out from a Mysterio headscissors but nooooo he is still in there lol hey got me! Mark Jindrak is in now and hey what is Kurt Angle doing back in there oh OK he is back to toss Shawn Michaels out and astute observers will recall that his exact thing happened in one of the Royal Rumbles Shawn Michaels won but they were like DOES NOT COUNT DOES NOT COUNT which is also fine and again all I ask for is clarity. Anyway he tosses HBK into the ring steps and Michaels *blades* pretty awesomeonly and he is then ankle locked before World Wrestling Entertainment Officials can restore order. VISCERA is in next and look I am not here to tell you that this is the best Royal Rumble by any stretch of the imagination or even a particularly good one but it's OK. Jim Ross acknowledges that Viscera might not possess the most refined catch-as-catch-can skills but suggest that that deficiency may not hinder him in this context and I am inclined to agree. Paul London! I totally forgot about this guy! He was pretty good! RENE DUPREE HOWEVER IS BETTER AND NOW HE IS FRENCH TICKLING oh no Jericho has eliminated him mid-tickle.
JOHN CENA and wait does maybe Cena win and then *challenge* JBL for the title at Wrestlemania and he wins and he dives into the crowd and it should be a pretty cool moment but it falls kind of flat for whatever reason? That'd be OK because if that is what happens here because I have no problem with John Cena and he has just eliminated Viscera aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand here comes SNITSKY who is not without his goofy charm that is for sure and Paul London is like IT IS A SLEEPER HOLD FOR YOU but Snitsky shucks London off to the apron and AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHH I had totally forgotten Paul London's *shooting star press* clothesline sell from the apron but that is one of the best eliminations in Royal Rumble history *without question* just a sec just a sec I am going to back that up and watch it again lol ok yeah it if anything that got *more* awesome when I watched it again that MUST be on youtube let me see let me see OK yeah here you go:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSJ2aAfagX8
Once again fuckin Tazz is like WHO IS NEXT IT BETTER BE A SMACKDOWN GUY fuckin hell man come on and it is KANE who does not enjoy SNITSKY and actually such is the *intensity* of that particular feud at this time that everybody else just kind of lays around while they go at it for a sec and then it is chokeslams for pretty much everybody and then Kane gets rid of Jindrak. I remember an old story from when I used to read Meltzer where apparently there was this meeting where management was like "well boyos house show business is way down right now as you no" and Snitsky was like "what are you talking about we just sold out Wrestlemania in like a day" and everybody was like smdh. Pretty cool pump-handle slam on Kane, though, Snitsky! AND IT IS THE ANIMAL BATISTA and even though he is aligned with the villainous Evolution he is cheered here and he quickly clotheslines Snitsky over the top and the chants of BA-TIS-TA only grow as he BATISTABOMBs Kane and then presses Jericho out. In at twenty-nine is the great yeah *the great* Christian and he is accompanied by his mainest man Tyson Tomko. HEY COOL John Cena just F-U'd Kane up and over for a pretty cool elimination and now Mysterio and Cena seem to be entering into an alliance but how long can it last I ask you? In at number thirty is "Nature Boy" Ric Flair in an awesome robe and he high fives BIG DAVE and feeds Coachman to him for a spinebuster and then Flair tosses "Coach" and then struts in a way that delights us all. Flair and Batista do the same spinebuster thing with Christian who Batista then presses up and out and over and yeeeeaaaah man things are picking up here! Benoit chops Flair a million times in the corner but Batista intercedes before long and JR rightly identifies that spinebuster as "a DIFFERENCE maker" and Batista fires Benoit out and Flair tries to sneakily do away with Batista who is like WTF NAITCH? and Naitch is like oh hey a mistake I'm sorry Big Dave but it is Edge who tosses Flair out not the somewhat miffed ANIMAL.
AND SO YOUR FINAL FOUR consists of Batista, Cena, Edge, and Mysterio and it is a SPEAR on Batista and a SPEAR on Cena however Mysterio leapfrogs away and yeah yeah yeah 619 whatever and then he misses a springboard and eventually he is on the apron and Edge is like SPEAR to Mysterio on the apron and that was pretty cool! Batista and Edge double backdrop Edge out AND ONE OF THESE TWO MEN ARE GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA AND GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA TO HEADLINE WHO WILL IT BE and Cena is looking good let me tell you as he has Batista up in a fireman's carry BUT NO Batista fights out of it and wait a minute is this the one where AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH YEAH *IT IS* the one where a Batista bomb goes *horribly* awry and Cena and Batista both tumble out at the exact same time "and we've got a major malfunction at the junction" as JR says in a tribute to Ed Whalen of Stampede Wrestling obviously and everybody is just stalling because this ladies and gentleman in THE BIGGEST FUCK UP IN ROYAL RUMBLE HISTORY and here comes *shoot* pissed Vince McMahon who lolololol oh yeah he blows out his fuckin legs entering the ring in a rage and this is THE BEST Vince is just fucking sitting there because he is *way* too hurt to even fucking stand up right now and he is like WELL FUCKIN DO IT AGAIN AND DO IT RIGHT BECAUSE IT IS NOT ALL OF A SUDDEN A *SHOOT* ROYAL RUMBLE YOU FUCKING FOOLS and lol I LOVE THIS and anyway Batista and Cena awkwardly go like hell for about twenty seconds and Batista wins it and a Royal Rumble that had been merely OK up until the very end has reached previously unknown and fucking *towering* heights with that amazingly botched finish in which Vince McMahon ruins his body because he cannot believe this shit lol I am going to watch that again WON'T YOU JOIN ME?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbn1EvJk_88#t=3m50s
oh christ that is good and hey so is the poster actually
in summation: lol
ps you have a cool batista t-shirt yo-llandi vi$$er of die antwoord
THE ANCIENT PHILOSOPHICAL PROBLEM OF FATE V. FREEWILL is called to our attention in the opening montage for the 2004 ROYAL RUMBLE and we are told that in a flash the things the we hold dear can vanish like a lost thought and that's pretty true and also tonight is a pivotal point where paths collide. Fate will rear his head and Destiny will play his hand and why would you personify those things as masculine? Because by my math it is the road to Wrestlemania XX that are on specifically here I totally know who wins this one and probably so do you but I for one have never actually seen this so I am ready to be surprised. Perhaps by joy? We are LIVE from Philadelphia in case you were wondering and we begin with a tables match for the Tag Team Championship to be contested between the challengers the Dudley Boyzzzzzzz and I don't even have any idea who the champions could be ooooooooooooh man I forgot how awesome the "EVOLUTION" theme music was but still I don't know which guys it would even be exactly oh ok it is Flair and BIG DAVE but alas Batista is all CUT THE MUSIC when it is the music I am most excited about right now. Bubba like last year is wearing shorts and it's not a good look for him. Big Dave says the Dudleyz are the biggest losers he's seen since the Philadelphia Eagles BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and we are pretty much ready to go. I might as well get this out of the way now and by "this" I mean my statement of position re: wrestling of this approximate time and that is this: I hadn't paid much attention between the Wrestlemania I attended which was X8 in 2002 and Wrestlemania XX in 2004 however soon after Wrestlemania XX I saw somewhere online maybe even the TSN website of all places that the two champions were Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero and I was like wtf how did that even happen what is going on here and so I figured well maybe this means long awesome title matches on TV sometimes and you know what IT DID and so I was in. I believe it was around this time I found that message board we used to go to before the message board we used to go to before this one where we are all in love and so my pretend fighting "fandom" became full-on *internet* pretend fighting "fandom" and I bought my first Fire Pro basically. So I got pretty into things in 2004 but I was not into them at the time of the events that I am describing to you now and what is the deal this Tag Team Championship match only went like five minutes before BIG DAVE put a Dudley through a table and that's that. Let me say that I thought Evolution was a pretty rad heel stable and I of course was there live in person when Randall K. Orton defeated champion Chris Benoit at The Summerslam 2004 to unseat Brock Lesnar as the youngest champion in Federtainment history and I value that experience immensely because as you know I am a student of history (well I mean I minored). And oh hey the Cruiserweight Title has just been successfully defended in only like five minutes by Rey Mysterio against Jamie Noble and I am actually glad they don't bother with a Cruiserweight Title anymore because I am not of the opinion that weight classes are necessary if they are only *pretending* to fight. But man these matches so far have been short by the standards of like weekly TV matches let alone pay per view extravaganzas what gives?
PHILLIES THROWBACK JOHN CENA is all like THE KID PUMPIN UP HIS SHOES THAT'S WHO YOU GOT YOUR MONEY ON / BET ON ANYBODY ELSE AND YO YOUR MONEY GONE
A video package that was probably longer than either match so far tells the pretty complex chain of events that has led to the upcoming Chavo Guerrero with Chavo Guerrero Sr. vs. Eddie Guerrero match and Eddie Guerrero was so bad at *outside-the-ropes* acting (*not* inside the squared circle where he was in fact near perfect pretty much always) when he was called to act in a way that would elicit sympathy from the crowd that it actually *did* elicit sympathy because we all liked him so much that we were like there there, Eddie; we know you are trying really hard; there there. Eddie comes out in a pretty rad little truck that looks like a Hot Wheels and you know what has barely increased during our lifetime? The price of Hot Wheels so if ever you have a child be that a masculine child or a feminine child you would be well advised I think to foster a love of tiny cars over all other toys if that is at all possible which it may not in fact be AND HERE WE GO and I have high hopes here. I am tempted to say that the collar-and-elbow tie-up that I just witnessed was the most expressive collar-and-elbow tie-up I have ever seen, no lie. Chavo slaps Eddie across the face and Eddie has this look on that I will be unable to convey to you to words but is like "really? this is the way you are going to behave? *you* think this is how people behave?" and my god Eddie was just juiced to the gills at his point wasn't he. Well at least it fuckin killed him. Of all the many many dead wrestlers I think Eddie Guerrero is right up there with Mr. Perfect for me as the ones that "bum me out" the most. I don't know if anybody disliked Eddie Guerrero and if they did they were awful probably. Even people who *don't* like wrestling liked Eddie Guerrero in my experience and I am basing that entirely on one thing my wife said once and let me take you back to a time when we were so broke man like *so broke* when we were still in school and I kind of wanted to get the Eddie Guerrero dvd set which is obviously really stupid and honestly I would have felt pretty guilty just straight up getting it so I told my wife it was something I wanted to get even though obviously we didn't have a ton of extra money (lol we would not have described *any* of our money as "extra" just then) and she said and I quote directly "my problem was never with Eddie Guerrero." How could it be? How could it be.
This match is excellent btw and to my surprise it is "worked" in a very modern way and by that I mean there are elements of for-real-fighting that you might not expect like for instance Eddie Guerrero attempts a *jujigatame* or "cross mark hold" or as it usually rendered "armbar" from the guard position after a Chavo double-leg takedown and punches from guard and I am stunned that that just happened. Despite his very poor treatment at the hands of his nephew Eddie stops just short of striking him with a closed fist and this happens on several occasions and it is totally compelling. In the end Eddie hits his "three amigos" consecutive vertical suplexes which honestly I was never that big on as it seemed plainly derivative of his hideous murderous buddy although perhaps I should simply view it as *homage* and anyway it is a "Frog Splash" and that is it. Really a very good match! And Eddie who has restrained himself throughout all of this unleashes upon his brother Chavo the right hand with which he would not strike his nephew and lol then he ties Chavo Classic to the bottom rope by the man's own necktie and now actually is going to town on young Chavo with kicks in the corner and now a ton of right hands to a recently bladed forehead and lol wtf he has just dragged Chavito across the ring by his fuckin mouth is this a *heel turn* that we are witnessing or this is some sort of nascent tweenerism or something? There was a viciousness there man that bordered even on malice imo.
It is an add for the Mick Foley dvd set and if you have not seen either it or the matches upon it on youtube or something I suggest you do so! Backstage Chris Benoit is interrupted in the midst of his Royal Rumble thoughts by Ric Flair and his buddies Big Dave and the Intercontinental Champion Randy Orton and they have champagne and Flair is like "you are the greatest technical wrestler in the world you are Chris Benoit but you are not going to win tonight WOOOOO" and Tazz is like not for nothin' Michael Cole but I think Ric Flair might be right that Benoit can't ever seem to win the big one and WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY is fuckin Sparky Plugg challenging Brock Lesnar for the WWE Championship? Oh I see it is because a year ago Brock basically murdered him with a fairly botched power bomb OK.
But is that enough? I mean shit who wants to see Bob Holly do anything at all ever? Certainly not this grappling enthusiast. Hey when did they switch it around so the WWE Championship became the Raw belt and THE BIG GOLD BELT that of Smackdown? Because here it is the other way around. Also isn't it weird how now Smackdown guys are on Raw all the time now but not the other way around? I guess I would prefer everyone to be on everything and maybe there really are too many belts like the internet says but it is not something I feel "passionately" about in the least actually.
In the early going this match is dumb in that after an initial flurry by Hardcore Holly Brock Lesnar has Holly in like a bearhug on the ground from behind with one hook in for a couple minutes and it looks like shit and Holly is selling it like grim death and after a "Fisherman Buster" which is a pretty funny name for a pretty cool move he is fuckin BACK to that dumb looking visibly loose-as-the-loosest-of-stools hold and jesus christ after a belly-to-belly suplex they are BACK in that same position only now Lesnar has both hooks in and Holly is being controlled in what is sometimes called the "seatbelt position" or "over/under" and that is not a submission hold you idiots stop carrying on as though it is you are insulting my truly uncommon intelligence that is easily insulted by insufficiently plausible wrestling holds. Holly escapes and after an "Alabama Slam" they are on the ground again HOWEVER this time it is Holly who takes Lesnar's back and he gets a full nelson on there and then they are on the outside and he still has that same hold on which is not making the most of being on the outside imo and then when they are back in it is an F5 and the pin and man all of these matches are pretty rushed like none of them are going ten minutes even although it must be said that the Eddie/Chavo match was entirely sufficient.
Up next we have Triple H against Shawn Michaels in a "last man standing" match which lol Jim Ross calls "A SLOBBERKNOCKER SEVEN YEARS IN THE MAKING" lol. And you had better believe there is a video package. Did you know that in my view if Triple H would have never touched a sledgehammer in his career he would be almost unassailable as a performer? I mean you can be all GRRRRR NEPOTISM etc and I am not going to argue with you but just as a guy who fights but not for real he is excellent almost all the time except for that fuckin sledgehammer stuff which as has been discussed previously is just so absurd like here is a guy hitting another guy with *a fucking sledgehammer* and the guy is temporarily inconvenienced by that fact but not like actually dead which is what one would reasonably expect were he struck by *a fucking sledgehammer* but idk I don't want to get into that too much. Of all the zany things to mind in the strange world of professional wrestling this is probably a weird one to bother about so I will not belabour it.
lol this Heart Break "Kid" is fuckin baaaaaaaaaaaaaald
Full disclosure: I expect this to suck a little bit because "Last Man Standing" matches are in my experience almost totally uninteresting because so many of the usual things that make you go OH HEY in a bout of professional wrestling such as edge-of-your-seat near-falls and thrilling submission holds are nowhere to be seen and the "finish" in a match like this is by its very nature all dragged out in a way that I don't find compelling at all usually so I mean *we'll see* but I don't expect much even though these are two very good wrestlers and I apologize for not mentioning that Triple H enters this match as the World Heavyweight Champion but lol you probably figured.
OK yeah so both guys went really hard here and by the end of it THEY ARE BOTH BLEEDING LIKE STUCK PIGS BAH GAWD etc and there was a really cool part where Michaels did like a springboard cross-body to the outside but missed and went through the table and they did all kinds of good stuff I guess but I was not captivated by it man I simply was not. I actually thought the best part was the finish when after Michaels barely made it to his feet after a double-underhook facebuster that Jim Ross called a "Pedigree" he landed a Fatu-esque reverse thrust kick that felled the champion but neither superkicker nor superkickee could make it to their feet and so the match was ruled a draw which honestly I kind of liked but the crowd did not as evidenced by their chants of BUUUULLLLLSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT and not in a way where they were like WE LOVE SHAWN MICHAELS AND HE WAS ROBBED HERE THIS IS NOT APPROPRIATE but in a way where they were like fuk this garbage, I think. But idk I thought it was a pretty good way to do it! Triple H is stretchered to the back and it looks like that is also how HBK will leave HOWEVER he gets to his feet in a symbolic triumph or something.
Howard Finkel is here once again somehow and commentary for this the ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH will be provided by Jim Ross and Peter Senerchia (9) 103-27 Woodhaven Blvd. Ozone Park, NY 11417 Enjoys bowling. Bruno Sammartino his favorite. Likes good guys. Anyone for pen pals. Raw General Manager Eric Bischoff and Smackdown General Manager Paul E. Heymanously who both probably only exist in those capacities to give Vince McMahon a cockstrong power boner come out to the ring for a couple of pretty dumb minutes and then a camo-ensconced "Stone Cold" Steve Austin hits the ring in an "all terrain vehicle" that has little 3:16 flags on it and this is the point at which I actually started to *mind* Steve Austin on those rare occasions that I would see him (again I was not watching with any regularity at all) which seemed like such a horrible thing to do man to *mind* Steve Austin and I felt bad about it then and I still do now and anyway there are KICKWHAMSTUNNERings and beer and everything and that all felt pretty superfluous man this is the ROYAL RUMBLE it doesn't need anything like that it just needs to START and yet it still has not because here we are with Terri Runnels backstage talking with Bill GOOOOOOLDBERG who is apparently the number thirty entrant but he is interrupted by Brock Lesnar who was not as good at talking at this point as he would someday be as a *shoot* fighter and lol Bill Goldberg suuuuuucks at wrestletalk because he puts on *rrrrr this voice rrrrrr* that is neither convincing nor compelling imo so eat shit Goldberg also if you ever do mixed martial arts commentary again please do not spend time *during matches* talking about how good you would definitely have been at this sport you never did IF ONLY IF ONLY you were younger just don't say anything about that at all and one final thought don't kick Bret Hart in the head for real when you are only supposed to pretend thnx.
OK IT IS TIME AND HERE IS CHRIS BENOIT IN AT NUMBER ONE WILL HE BE ABLE TO GO THE DISTANCE LIKE THE GREAT SHAWN MICHAELS BEFORE HIM and of course yes we know that he will be able to do exactly that but let's see how it all happens! In at number two we have the Intercontinental Champion Randy Orton who of course would meet Benoit for the World Heavyweight Title at The Summerslam as mentioned previously and as also mentioned previously I was there isn't that an amazing fact? I think Randy Orton is as awesome wrestler like an *awesome* wrestler and the "house show" I saw at the historic Halifax Forum with my brother this fall only cemented that impression further in that he had an excellent "triple threat" match for the heavyweight title with Mark Henry and Christian and it was *excellent.* Hey speak of the devil here is Mark Henry now! This year for the first time there is a little thing or "graphic" in the corner that gives the entrant number in addition to that entrant's name for example "Entry 3 Mark Henry" and that is a bold step in the right direction imo. DO IT TAJIRI YEEEEEAH but I fear that he will not in fact "do it" although he *does* to the extent that he hits his handspring elbow on Randy Orton however he also becomes the first but I simply cannot imagine the last victim of Benoit's rolling German suplexes on this the evening of the thirty-man over-the-top-rope Royal Rumble and son of a bitch this is a ninety-second Rumble isn't it? Although I probably shouldn't be so judgmental because the previous year's was a ninety-second one and it was *rad as hell.* In at number four is a newly-shorn Bradshaw only like moments away from becoming JBL and he lariats the living shit out of everybody but is caught in a Crippler Crossface and then tossd over the top rope and TAJIRI IS STILL IN LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
Our sixth entrant is Rhyno and I always thought he was pretty good but at least some of that might be carry-over from how awesome The Rhino is in Spider-Man and specifically in the old Spider-Man cartoon like the *really* old one not the johnny-come-lately FOX series of the 1990s which was in fact actually way better obviously. Rhyno gores Mark Henry in the corner which means Tajiri who had been on the top turnbuckle is out :( and then Benoit *with a head of steam* bumps Mark Henry out and now it is OOOOH YEEEEEEAH DA DA DUNN DA DA DA DUNNNN Matt Hardy. Tazz refers to Matt Hardy as "the sensei of Mattitude" which is inarguable. lol in at number eight we have BIG POPPA PUMP and he has such shitty "steinerlines" at this point that it is unreal. He suplexes a bunch of guys which is fine but Steiner was really at his best when he was saying things he had only recently heard on Black Entertainment Television's "106 and Park" an jotted down and he's not doing that right now. Yep there is another set of German suplexes from Chris Benoit this time on Steiner and I mean get used to that I figure. Here is Matt Morgan who is described here as a "blue chipper" and he comes in and sit-out power bombs Benoit right away and then is like big boot Matt Hardy take that. "Morgan's a big hoss, I'll tell you that," notes big-hoss enthusiast James Ross WHO did you know read some early drafts of the book JS and I wrote and said that he found them helpful as he was beginning to learn the sport? When I related this fact to my wife she went BAH GAWD THAT'S HELPFUL to which I was like lol and then she was like lol too. The Hurricane *storms* into the ring get it but he is a comedic figure of irony and so Matt Morgan does away with him right away. lol Matt Hardy tried a "chop block" on Matt Morgan but Morgan was pretty clearly confused by this and didn't now how to "sell" the technique.
Here comes Booker T who I have always enjoyed even before he denounced Hulk Hogan as a "n*gga" and in case you are wondering let me assure that yeah the asterisk in that unspeakable word indeed represents and "i." Did you hear how worked up Booker T got on Smackdown(!) last week talking about the kind of bond you form with your bros when you are from the streets? lol it was pretty funny. HEY ALRIGHT Booker T just got rid of Steiner as Kane entered the ring and Tazz is actually saying the word "goozle" as Kane chokeslams most of the dudes. Kane here is topless and maskless and hairless and this to me is Kane as I shall forever remember him which is maybe not true of everyone but is definitely so of me. The Undertaker's bell tolls as the timer counts down and Kane is like *zomg* and Booker T tips him out over the top during this moment of distraction but the Undertaker does not show up and moments later it is lol Spike Dudely and Kane makes his way up the ramp and punishes Spike for having the temerity to also be walking on the ramp and so it is a chokeslam for him and I now learn that Kane *literally* buried the Undertaker at The Survivor Series.
Benoit eliminates Rhyno just as RIKISIHI AKA FATU comes in and is all clotheslines and reverse thrust kicks and he offers Matt Morgan a "stink face" and JR is like "welcome to the WWE, rookie" and Tazz is like "welcome to Rikishi's ass, rookie" and it is like lol wtf is this that I am doing here man but I love it. OH MAN YEAH IT IS RENÉ DUPREE WHO IS AWESOME this guy is Emile Dupree's kid and Emile Dupree was basically the guy who ran Atlantic Grand Prix wrestling which as you know is the *territory* of my youth and also forever my heart and although he came of age long after the true AGPW era René would wrestle on all the little indie nostalgia shows that would come up and even when he was like seventeen it was like this kid is the real deal and then he went the WWE and he totally WAS and his little dance "The French Tickler" got crazy *over* but they told him to *cut it out* which is *bullshit* because I don't care if it was inappropriate for *a heel* to get that kind of *pop* from the crowd god damn it I wanted to see it if I was at wrestling and so was he. Shit he was only twenty here. lol Tazz is like "he is not to be confused with the American French guy you guys have on Raw, right, Rob Conway, the American French guy?" and JR is like yeeeeah the deal is Conway is a sympathizer but I hear you. Dupree dropkicks Matt Hardy out and YEEEAAAHH THERE IS HIS LITTLE DANCE but Rikishi lays in wait (lol more like "weight" amirite) throughout the entirety of the dance and then reverse thrust kicks him out but oh well he came he eliminated a dude he French tickled and he got Fatu'd. That is a solid night's work imo even if it only took twenty-five seconds.
OK what did I miss while praising René Dupree let's see here let me back this up a little bit OK here we are: Albert enters the match at number sixteen and I didn't know he was an offensive lineman at Pitt that's neat and OK Benoit got Matt Morgan up and over the corner and now Orton sneakily tips both Rikishi and Booker T over the top so we are down to Benoit, Orton, and good old Albert in there right now. Shelton Benjamin enters at like the very instant Benoit eliminates Albert and nobody notices that for a second. Jim Ross was very into saying that Shelton Benjamin was the best athlete in the history of both this and all possible worlds at this time but OH NO he just kind of jumped out over the top whilst attempt to "kick" Randy Orton so we're down to Benoit and Orton who have been *in there* from the beginning as you may recall. Next in is Ernest "The Cat" Miller with his personal ring announcer who is like Lamont or something and HOLY SHIT IT IS THE FUNAKSAURUS BRODUS CLAY'S MUSIC as we are asked to call his momma. I really had no idea they had ever used that awesome song before. Anyway these two figures of merrymaking, Miller and I think it was Lamont, are tossed out after like thirty seconds of carrying on.
Here comes Kurt Angle who I think is cheered here but who also gets the big "YOU SUCK" reaction to his song so idk what is happening here and further we are told that Angle has dedicated his performance tonight to American servicemen and servicewomen so yeah idk what his situation is right here other than that he gets shockingly dismissed from World Wrestling Entertainment service before much longer, right? Maybe he gets to one more Rumble in but I don't really remember. Rico is number twenty and is he a dandy of some kind? Benoit is German suplexing Kurt Angle a bunch of times as Orton fireman carries Rico out and why don't more people do that? Benoit would like to top-rope headbutt a dude but Angle cuts that off. OH SHIT RKO ON KURT ANGLE and the clock strikes NEXT DUDE PLEASE and Test's music hits (so they tell me; I would not know Test's music) and we are shown Test laid out backstage and Steve Austin whose voice is weird is like WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO to somebody off camera and then he's like WELL I GUESS YOU'RE THE TWENTY-FIRST ENTRANT GET OUT THERE and it's MICK FOLEY and he is assaulting what Jim Ross calls "the pretty face of Randy Orton" and you can't even really make fun of that I guess because it's true. lol Foley clotheslines Orton out over the with a maneuver namely a *clothesline* that carries he himself to the outside as well and then he is like BANG BANG and I am like fuk yeah and then he strangles Orton with some wires and stuff.
At number twenty-two it is CAPTAIN CHARISMA CHRISTIAN YEEEEEAH HE LIKES TO SAY THINGS ABOUT HIS PEEPS AND THE CHRISTIAN COALITION AND STUFF LIKE THAT AND I LIKE IT YEEEEEAAAHHH and Orton and Foley are going at it pretty good outside with chairs and the ring steps and all that kind of thing and I really like both of those guys. I guess this is building towards something between Orton and Foley for later because we get a full ninety seconds of those guys rather than anything going on in the ring and as the next guy gets called that being Nunzio and Mick Foley sockos the guy.
Back to the action in the ring, Christian goes hard at Benoit however Angle intercedes and German suplexes both Christian and Benoit and I am wondering if Puddintaine is right that there were just altogether too many suplexes in this period and I am only *wondering* that mind you because I really like suplexes but I am finding myself increasingly unmoved by them in this Royal Rumble match. Big Show is in at number twenty four and you know what maybe it is not as good to have the number right up on the screen; maybe some of the pleasure is kind of losing track a little and being like OH MAN HOW MANY GUYS ARE EVEN LEFT and then maybe you hear from the announcers what number you're at *but maybe you don't* and yeah actually I think that is the way to do it. Man Christian is *awesome.* I wasn't really watching wrestling when he left and went to TNA for a while so what was that all about? JERICHO is in and he and Christian work over Angle and lol Big Show gets involved with guys and JR is like "THEY TRY TO MOUNT BIG SHOW FROM BEHIND" and yeah I tittered so what. Charlie Haas is in and man that is one nondescript guy who is like tag team vertical suplexed by Jericho and Christian. Nunzio btw still hasn't entered the ring. Christian who is probably one of the best *bumpers* I know of take a nice spill to the outside at the hands of Jericho and wtf Billy Gunn was still around in 2004? "Fame-ass-er" is not much of a name for a cool move. lol Tazz is like "he used to be married to a guy -- you've been married a bunch of times JR have you ever been married to a guy?" and JR was like "uh no" and I am like loosen up man try it next time who knows. Boy Benoit sure is crazy about German suplexes lol there he goes again.
THE DOCTOR OF THUGANOMICS is out next in his baby blue Phillies Tugg McGraw throwback and I really liked John Cena's old music better than his new music but things change I get it. We're really getting down to it here as RRRRRRRRR VVVVVVVVVVVVV DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD is in at number twenty nine and we know Goldberg is in next (they should never tell us who is number thirty ahead of time btw) and JR says that RVD might be the greatest wrestler to never be the world's champion and lol they try man they really try but he elects to get very very high and is stripped iirc. Cena tossed Nunzio into the ring a minute ago btw and now he hits Angle with an F-U. Here's Goldberg and I don't think I've ever seen so much as a minute of Goldberg in WWE. He spears Big Show and kind of barely touches Charlie Haas who flies out and over for him in a pretty shitty way and now it is a spear for poor Nunzio and then he tosses out Mr. Ass and then Nunzio and I thought the deal was they did not *book* Goldberg *strong* enough? He is straight up killing dudes oh OK until Brock Lesnar runs in and hits the F5 and lol Goldberg is so shitty at *selling* and anyway Kurt Angle tips him out from behind and GOOD because you're stupid Goldberg.
Alright so we've got Benoit, RVD, Jericho, Angle, Cena all working on the Big Show but BABOOOOOOM he throws them all off him and now dudes are all just bouncing off him and yeah that is the kind of reverence with which a dude of his girth should always be treated in a Royal Rumble and oh man this is *fucking awesome* as everybody hits their *tokui waza* or *preferred technique* on this the Biggest of all Shows after he gets chop blocked by Angle whilst attempting a slam of Cena so it's like LIONSAULT FIVE-STAR FROG SPLASH FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE SWAN DIVE HEAD BUTT YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAH and that is basically the promise of the Royal Rumble concept realized in like one forty-five-second sequence of MOOOOOOOOOVES and I am having like a Fire Progasm or something I don't know how to describe it. Now everybody Angle has organized everybody to try to get Big Show up and out but he is like NO FUK U and he throws Cena out and AARRRGHHHHH Cena's knee got sooooooo fucked up the way he landed and he is being *shoot* attended to because that is some gruesome and grisly shit woah. RVD works over Big Show in the corner but he goes for a monkey flip and is just tossed right out for his troubles so our final four consists of Big Show, Jericho, Angle, and the corpse of John Cena on the outside.
Jericho is the only guy up and after Big Show right now and a bulldog from the second turnbuckle is I think an underrated maneuver and YEEEEEEAHHH WALLS OF JERICHO and Big Show is tapping but of course that means nothing and come on Kurt Angle why would you break that up man have a fuckin clue out there. WOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAH CHOKE SLAM TO THE FLOOR JERICHO IS OUT man that was pretty cool and now there is a choke slam for Benoit as well and Angle attempts a German suplex on *the big man* but Big Show counters with his rump HOWEVER ANGLE SLAM ANGLE SLAM first on Big Show and then on Benoit and Tazz is like THAT'S FOR THE AMERICAN TROOPS and Angle counters out of a choke slam and ends up rolling through to an ankle lock which sounds better than it was actually but it was OK. OH COOL Big Show kind of dove over the top rope and back in pulling Angle over and out because he was totally attached to his ankle and in fact the replay reveals that that was *really cool* and now it is Big Show vs. Benoit FOR ALL THE MARBLES and Benoit hits a diving headbutt from the top turnbuckle to the Big Show standing on the apron and it knocks Big Show back in and for whatever reason the crowd was not that into that move but I liked it! Big Show goes for the chokeslam but it is countered into a Crippler Crossface but Big Show is like oh OK and he just kind of stands up and slams him down like it is not a tremendously big deal to do so. He pulls down his shoulder straps and is like COME TO ME BENOIT which is actually a direct quote here believe it or not and then he presses him overhead but Benoit is like GUILLOTINE and now he is on the apron but he keeps pulling and the Big Show is teetering and YES BENOIT BENOIT HAS DONE IT and call me soft on the crimes of infanticide and ladymurder if you must but that was a *really* good Royal Rumble match! Benoit was of course very good throughout but the best part FOR SURE was when Big Show was crushing dudes so they all had to BAND TOGETHER and hit like A MILLION FINISHERS and THAT IS HOW YOU DO IT
