2004 ROYAL RUMBLE

THE ANCIENT PHILOSOPHICAL PROBLEM OF FATE V. FREEWILL is called to our attention in the opening montage for the 2004 ROYAL RUMBLE and we are told that in a flash the things the we hold dear can vanish like a lost thought and that's pretty true and also tonight is a pivotal point where paths collide. Fate will rear his head and Destiny will play his hand and why would you personify those things as masculine? Because by my math it is the road to Wrestlemania XX that are on specifically here I totally know who wins this one and probably so do you but I for one have never actually seen this so I am ready to be surprised. Perhaps by joy? We are LIVE from Philadelphia in case you were wondering and we begin with a tables match for the Tag Team Championship to be contested between the challengers the Dudley Boyzzzzzzz and I don't even have any idea who the champions could be ooooooooooooh man I forgot how awesome the "EVOLUTION" theme music was but still I don't know which guys it would even be exactly oh ok it is Flair and BIG DAVE but alas Batista is all CUT THE MUSIC when it is the music I am most excited about right now. Bubba like last year is wearing shorts and it's not a good look for him. Big Dave says the Dudleyz are the biggest losers he's seen since the Philadelphia Eagles BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and we are pretty much ready to go. I might as well get this out of the way now and by "this" I mean my statement of position re: wrestling of this approximate time and that is this: I hadn't paid much attention between the Wrestlemania I attended which was X8 in 2002 and Wrestlemania XX in 2004 however soon after Wrestlemania XX I saw somewhere online maybe even the TSN website of all places that the two champions were Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero and I was like wtf how did that even happen what is going on here and so I figured well maybe this means long awesome title matches on TV sometimes and you know what IT DID and so I was in. I believe it was around this time I found that message board we used to go to before the message board we used to go to before this one where we are all in love and so my pretend fighting "fandom" became full-on *internet* pretend fighting "fandom" and I bought my first Fire Pro basically. So I got pretty into things in 2004 but I was not into them at the time of the events that I am describing to you now and what is the deal this Tag Team Championship match only went like five minutes before BIG DAVE put a Dudley through a table and that's that. Let me say that I thought Evolution was a pretty rad heel stable and I of course was there live in person when Randall K. Orton defeated champion Chris Benoit at The Summerslam 2004 to unseat Brock Lesnar as the youngest champion in Federtainment history and I value that experience immensely because as you know I am a student of history (well I mean I minored). And oh hey the Cruiserweight Title has just been successfully defended in only like five minutes by Rey Mysterio against Jamie Noble and I am actually glad they don't bother with a Cruiserweight Title anymore because I am not of the opinion that weight classes are necessary if they are only *pretending* to fight. But man these matches so far have been short by the standards of like weekly TV matches let alone pay per view extravaganzas what gives?  


PHILLIES THROWBACK JOHN CENA is all like THE KID PUMPIN UP HIS SHOES THAT'S WHO YOU GOT YOUR MONEY ON / BET ON ANYBODY ELSE AND YO YOUR MONEY GONE


A video package that was probably longer than either match so far tells the pretty complex chain of events that has led to the upcoming Chavo Guerrero with Chavo Guerrero Sr. vs. Eddie Guerrero match and Eddie Guerrero was so bad at *outside-the-ropes* acting (*not* inside the squared circle where he was in fact near perfect pretty much always) when he was called to act in a way that would elicit sympathy from the crowd that it actually *did* elicit sympathy because we all liked him so much that we were like there there, Eddie; we know you are trying really hard; there there. Eddie comes out in a pretty rad little truck that looks like a Hot Wheels and you know what has barely increased during our lifetime? The price of Hot Wheels so if ever you have a child be that a masculine child or a feminine child you would be well advised I think to foster a love of tiny cars over all other toys if that is at all possible which it may not in fact be AND HERE WE GO and I have high hopes here. I am tempted to say that the collar-and-elbow tie-up that I just witnessed was the most expressive collar-and-elbow tie-up I have ever seen, no lie. Chavo slaps Eddie across the face and Eddie has this look on that I will be unable to convey to you to words but is like "really? this is the way you are going to behave? *you* think this is how people behave?" and my god Eddie was just juiced to the gills at his point wasn't he. Well at least it fuckin killed him. Of all the many many dead wrestlers I think Eddie Guerrero is right up there with Mr. Perfect for me as the ones that "bum me out" the most. I don't know if anybody disliked Eddie Guerrero and if they did they were awful probably. Even people who *don't* like wrestling liked Eddie Guerrero in my experience and I am basing that entirely on one thing my wife said once and let me take you back to a time when we were so broke man like *so broke* when we were still in school and I kind of wanted to get the Eddie Guerrero dvd set which is obviously really stupid and honestly I would have felt pretty guilty just straight up getting it so I told my wife it was something I wanted to get even though obviously we didn't have a ton of extra money (lol we would not have described *any* of our money as "extra" just then) and she said and I quote directly "my problem was never with Eddie Guerrero." How could it be? How could it be. 


This match is excellent btw and to my surprise it is "worked" in a very modern way and by that I mean there are elements of for-real-fighting that you might not expect like for instance Eddie Guerrero attempts a *jujigatame* or "cross mark hold" or as it usually rendered "armbar" from the guard position after a Chavo double-leg takedown and punches from guard and I am stunned that that just happened. Despite his very poor treatment at the hands of his nephew Eddie stops just short of striking him with a closed fist and this happens on several occasions and it is totally compelling. In the end Eddie hits his "three amigos" consecutive vertical suplexes which honestly I was never that big on as it seemed plainly derivative of his hideous murderous buddy although perhaps I should simply view it as *homage* and anyway it is a "Frog Splash" and that is it. Really a very good match! And Eddie who has restrained himself throughout all of this unleashes upon his brother Chavo the right hand with which he would not strike his nephew and lol then he ties Chavo Classic to the bottom rope by the man's own necktie and now actually is going to town on young Chavo with kicks in the corner and now a ton of right hands to a recently bladed forehead and lol wtf he has just dragged Chavito across the ring by his fuckin mouth is this a *heel turn* that we are witnessing or this is some sort of nascent tweenerism or something? There was a viciousness there man that bordered even on malice imo.


It is an add for the Mick Foley dvd set and if you have not seen either it or the matches upon it on youtube or something I suggest you do so! Backstage Chris Benoit is interrupted in the midst of his Royal Rumble thoughts by Ric Flair and his buddies Big Dave and the Intercontinental Champion Randy Orton and they have champagne and Flair is like "you are the greatest technical wrestler in the world you are Chris Benoit but you are not going to win tonight WOOOOO" and Tazz is like not for nothin' Michael Cole but I think Ric Flair might be right that Benoit can't ever seem to win the big one and WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY is fuckin Sparky Plugg challenging Brock Lesnar for the WWE Championship? Oh I see it is because a year ago Brock basically murdered him with a fairly botched power bomb OK. 


But is that enough? I mean shit who wants to see Bob Holly do anything at all ever? Certainly not this grappling enthusiast. Hey when did they switch it around so the WWE Championship became the Raw belt and THE BIG GOLD BELT that of Smackdown? Because here it is the other way around. Also isn't it weird how now Smackdown guys are on Raw all the time now but not the other way around? I guess I would prefer everyone to be on everything and maybe there really are too many belts like the internet says but it is not something I feel "passionately" about in the least actually. 


In the early going this match is dumb in that after an initial flurry by Hardcore Holly Brock Lesnar has Holly in like a bearhug on the ground from behind with one hook in for a couple minutes and it looks like shit and Holly is selling it like grim death and after a "Fisherman Buster" which is a pretty funny name for a pretty cool move he is fuckin BACK to that dumb looking visibly loose-as-the-loosest-of-stools hold and jesus christ after a belly-to-belly suplex they are BACK in that same position only now Lesnar has both hooks in and Holly is being controlled in what is sometimes called the "seatbelt position" or "over/under" and that is not a submission hold you idiots stop carrying on as though it is you are insulting my truly uncommon intelligence that is easily insulted by insufficiently plausible wrestling holds. Holly escapes and after an "Alabama Slam" they are on the ground again HOWEVER this time it is Holly who takes Lesnar's back and he gets a full nelson on there and then they are on the outside and he still has that same hold on which is not making the most of being on the outside imo and then when they are back in it is an F5 and the pin and man all of these matches are pretty rushed like none of them are going ten minutes even although it must be said that the Eddie/Chavo match was entirely sufficient. 


Up next we have Triple H against Shawn Michaels in a "last man standing" match which lol Jim Ross calls "A SLOBBERKNOCKER SEVEN YEARS IN THE MAKING" lol. And you had better believe there is a video package. Did you know that in my view if Triple H would have never touched a sledgehammer in his career he would be almost unassailable as a performer? I mean you can be all GRRRRR NEPOTISM etc and I am not going to argue with you but just as a guy who fights but not for real he is excellent almost all the time except for that fuckin sledgehammer stuff which as has been discussed previously is just so absurd like here is a guy hitting another guy with *a fucking sledgehammer* and the guy is temporarily inconvenienced by that fact but not like actually dead which is what one would reasonably expect were he struck by *a fucking sledgehammer* but idk I don't want to get into that too much. Of all the zany things to mind in the strange world of professional wrestling this is probably a weird one to bother about so I will not belabour it. 


lol this Heart Break "Kid" is fuckin baaaaaaaaaaaaaald


Full disclosure: I expect this to suck a little bit because "Last Man Standing" matches are in my experience almost totally uninteresting because so many of the usual things that make you go OH HEY in a bout of professional wrestling such as edge-of-your-seat near-falls and thrilling submission holds are nowhere to be seen and the "finish" in a match like this is by its very nature all dragged out in a way that I don't find compelling at all usually so I mean *we'll see* but I don't expect much even though these are two very good wrestlers and I apologize for not mentioning that Triple H enters this match as the World Heavyweight Champion but lol you probably figured. 


OK yeah so both guys went really hard here and by the end of it THEY ARE BOTH BLEEDING LIKE STUCK PIGS BAH GAWD etc and there was a really cool part where Michaels did like a springboard cross-body to the outside but missed and went through the table and they did all kinds of good stuff I guess but I was not captivated by it man I simply was not. I actually thought the best part was the finish when after Michaels barely made it to his feet after a double-underhook facebuster that Jim Ross called a "Pedigree" he landed a Fatu-esque reverse thrust kick that felled the champion but neither superkicker nor superkickee could make it to their feet and so the match was ruled a draw which honestly I kind of liked but the crowd did not as evidenced by their chants of BUUUULLLLLSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT and not in a way where they were like WE LOVE SHAWN MICHAELS AND HE WAS ROBBED HERE THIS IS NOT APPROPRIATE but in a way where they were like fuk this garbage, I think. But idk I thought it was a pretty good way to do it! Triple H is stretchered to the back and it looks like that is also how HBK will leave HOWEVER he gets to his feet in a symbolic triumph or something.


Howard Finkel is here once again somehow and commentary for this the ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH will be provided by Jim Ross and Peter Senerchia (9) 103-27 Woodhaven Blvd. Ozone Park, NY 11417 Enjoys bowling. Bruno Sammartino his favorite. Likes good guys. Anyone for pen pals. Raw General Manager Eric Bischoff and Smackdown General Manager Paul E. Heymanously who both probably only exist in those capacities to give Vince McMahon a cockstrong power boner come out to the ring for a couple of pretty dumb minutes and then a camo-ensconced "Stone Cold" Steve Austin hits the ring in an "all terrain vehicle" that has little 3:16 flags on it and this is the point at which I actually started to *mind* Steve Austin on those rare occasions that I would see him (again I was not watching with any regularity at all) which seemed like such a horrible thing to do man to *mind* Steve Austin and I felt bad about it then and I still do now and anyway there are KICKWHAMSTUNNERings and beer and everything and that all felt pretty superfluous man this is the ROYAL RUMBLE it doesn't need anything like that it just needs to START and yet it still has not because here we are with Terri Runnels backstage talking with Bill GOOOOOOLDBERG who is apparently the number thirty entrant but he is interrupted by Brock Lesnar who was not as good at talking at this point as he would someday be as a *shoot* fighter and lol Bill Goldberg suuuuuucks at wrestletalk because he puts on *rrrrr this voice rrrrrr* that is neither convincing nor compelling imo so eat shit Goldberg also if you ever do mixed martial arts commentary again please do not spend time *during matches* talking about how good you would definitely have been at this sport you never did IF ONLY IF ONLY you were younger just don't say anything about that at all and one final thought don't kick Bret Hart in the head for real when you are only supposed to pretend thnx.


OK IT IS TIME AND HERE IS CHRIS BENOIT IN AT NUMBER ONE WILL HE BE ABLE TO GO THE DISTANCE LIKE THE GREAT SHAWN MICHAELS BEFORE HIM and of course yes we know that he will be able to do exactly that but let's see how it all happens! In at number two we have the Intercontinental Champion Randy Orton who of course would meet Benoit for the World Heavyweight Title at The Summerslam as mentioned previously and as also mentioned previously I was there isn't that an amazing fact? I think Randy Orton is as awesome wrestler like an *awesome* wrestler and the "house show" I saw at the historic Halifax Forum with my brother this fall only cemented that impression further in that he had an excellent "triple threat" match for the heavyweight title with Mark Henry and Christian and it was *excellent.* Hey speak of the devil here is Mark Henry now! This year for the first time there is a little thing or "graphic" in the corner that gives the entrant number in addition to that entrant's name for example "Entry 3 Mark Henry" and that is a bold step in the right direction imo. DO IT TAJIRI YEEEEEAH but I fear that he will not in fact "do it" although he *does* to the extent that he hits his handspring elbow on Randy Orton however he also becomes the first but I simply cannot imagine the last victim of Benoit's rolling German suplexes on this the evening of the thirty-man over-the-top-rope Royal Rumble and son of a bitch this is a ninety-second Rumble isn't it? Although I probably shouldn't be so judgmental because the previous year's was a ninety-second one and it was *rad as hell.* In at number four is a newly-shorn Bradshaw only like moments away from becoming JBL and he lariats the living shit out of everybody but is caught in a Crippler Crossface and then tossd over the top rope and TAJIRI IS STILL IN LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 


Our sixth entrant is Rhyno and I always thought he was pretty good but at least some of that might be carry-over from how awesome The Rhino is in Spider-Man and specifically in the old Spider-Man cartoon like the *really* old one not the johnny-come-lately FOX series of the 1990s which was in fact actually way better obviously. Rhyno gores Mark Henry in the corner which means Tajiri who had been on the top turnbuckle is out :( and then Benoit *with a head of steam* bumps Mark Henry out and now it is OOOOH YEEEEEEAH DA DA DUNN DA DA DA DUNNNN Matt Hardy. Tazz refers to Matt Hardy as "the sensei of Mattitude" which is inarguable. lol in at number eight we have BIG POPPA PUMP and he has such shitty "steinerlines" at this point that it is unreal. He suplexes a bunch of guys which is fine but Steiner was really at his best when he was saying things he had only recently heard on Black Entertainment Television's "106 and Park" an jotted down and he's not doing that right now. Yep there is another set of German suplexes from Chris Benoit this time on Steiner and I mean get used to that I figure. Here is Matt Morgan who is described here as a "blue chipper" and he comes in and sit-out power bombs Benoit right away and then is like big boot Matt Hardy take that. "Morgan's a big hoss, I'll tell you that," notes big-hoss enthusiast James Ross WHO did you know read some early drafts of the book JS and I wrote and said that he found them helpful as he was beginning to learn the sport? When I related this fact to my wife she went BAH GAWD THAT'S HELPFUL to which I was like lol and then she was like lol too. The Hurricane *storms* into the ring get it but he is a comedic figure of irony and so Matt Morgan does away with him right away. lol Matt Hardy tried a "chop block" on Matt Morgan but Morgan was pretty clearly confused by this and didn't now how to "sell" the technique.


Here comes Booker T who I have always enjoyed even before he denounced Hulk Hogan as a "n*gga" and in case you are wondering let me assure that yeah the asterisk in that unspeakable word indeed represents and "i." Did you hear how worked up Booker T got on Smackdown(!) last week talking about the kind of bond you form with your bros when you are from the streets? lol it was pretty funny. HEY ALRIGHT Booker T just got rid of Steiner as Kane entered the ring and Tazz is actually saying the word "goozle" as Kane chokeslams most of the dudes. Kane here is topless and maskless and hairless and this to me is Kane as I shall forever remember him which is maybe not true of everyone but is definitely so of me. The Undertaker's bell tolls as the timer counts down and Kane is like *zomg* and Booker T tips him out over the top during this moment of distraction but the Undertaker does not show up and moments later it is lol Spike Dudely and Kane makes his way up the ramp and punishes Spike for having the temerity to also be walking on the ramp and so it is a chokeslam for him and I now learn that Kane *literally* buried the Undertaker at The Survivor Series.


Benoit eliminates Rhyno just as RIKISIHI AKA FATU comes in and is all clotheslines and reverse thrust kicks and he offers Matt Morgan a "stink face" and JR is like "welcome to the WWE, rookie" and Tazz is like "welcome to Rikishi's ass, rookie" and it is like lol wtf is this that I am doing here man but I love it. OH MAN YEAH IT IS RENÉ DUPREE WHO IS AWESOME this guy is Emile Dupree's kid and Emile Dupree was basically the guy who ran Atlantic Grand Prix wrestling which as you know is the *territory* of my youth and also forever my heart and although he came of age long after the true AGPW era René would wrestle on all the little indie nostalgia shows that would come up and even when he was like seventeen it was like this kid is the real deal and then he went the WWE and he totally WAS and his little dance "The French Tickler" got crazy *over* but they told him to *cut it out* which is *bullshit* because I don't care if it was inappropriate for *a heel* to get that kind of *pop* from the crowd god damn it I wanted to see it if I was at wrestling and so was he. Shit he was only twenty here. lol Tazz is like "he is not to be confused with the American French guy you guys have on Raw, right, Rob Conway, the American French guy?" and JR is like yeeeeah the deal is Conway is a sympathizer but I hear you. Dupree dropkicks Matt Hardy out and YEEEAAAHH THERE IS HIS LITTLE DANCE but Rikishi lays in wait (lol more like "weight" amirite) throughout the entirety of the dance and then reverse thrust kicks him out but oh well he came he eliminated a dude he French tickled and he got Fatu'd. That is a solid night's work imo even if it only took twenty-five seconds.


OK what did I miss while praising René Dupree let's see here let me back this up a little bit OK here we are: Albert enters the match at number sixteen and I didn't know he was an offensive lineman at Pitt that's neat and OK Benoit got Matt Morgan up and over the corner and now Orton sneakily tips both Rikishi and Booker T over the top so we are down to Benoit, Orton, and good old Albert in there right now. Shelton Benjamin enters at like the very instant Benoit eliminates Albert and nobody notices that for a second. Jim Ross was very into saying that Shelton Benjamin was the best athlete in the history of both this and all possible worlds at this time but OH NO he just kind of jumped out over the top whilst attempt to "kick" Randy Orton so we're down to Benoit and Orton who have been *in there* from the beginning as you may recall. Next in is Ernest "The Cat" Miller with his personal ring announcer who is like Lamont or something and HOLY SHIT IT IS THE FUNAKSAURUS BRODUS CLAY'S MUSIC as we are asked to call his momma. I really had no idea they had ever used that awesome song before. Anyway these two figures of merrymaking, Miller and I think it was Lamont, are tossed out after like thirty seconds of carrying on. 


Here comes Kurt Angle who I think is cheered here but who also gets the big "YOU SUCK" reaction to his song so idk what is happening here and further we are told that Angle has dedicated his performance tonight to American servicemen and servicewomen so yeah idk what his situation is right here other than that he gets shockingly dismissed from World Wrestling Entertainment service before much longer, right? Maybe he gets to one more Rumble in but I don't really remember. Rico is number twenty and is he a dandy of some kind? Benoit is German suplexing Kurt Angle a bunch of times as Orton fireman carries Rico out and why don't more people do that? Benoit would like to top-rope headbutt a dude but Angle cuts that off. OH SHIT RKO ON KURT ANGLE and the clock strikes NEXT DUDE PLEASE and Test's music hits (so they tell me; I would not know Test's music) and we are shown Test laid out backstage and Steve Austin whose voice is weird is like WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO to somebody off camera and then he's like WELL I GUESS YOU'RE THE TWENTY-FIRST ENTRANT GET OUT THERE and it's MICK FOLEY and he is assaulting what Jim Ross calls "the pretty face of Randy Orton" and you can't even really make fun of that I guess because it's true. lol Foley clotheslines Orton out over the with a maneuver namely a *clothesline* that carries he himself to the outside as well and then he is like BANG BANG and I am like fuk yeah and then he strangles Orton with some wires and stuff. 


At number twenty-two it is CAPTAIN CHARISMA CHRISTIAN YEEEEEAH HE LIKES TO SAY THINGS ABOUT HIS PEEPS AND THE CHRISTIAN COALITION AND STUFF LIKE THAT AND I LIKE IT YEEEEEAAAHHH and Orton and Foley are going at it pretty good outside with chairs and the ring steps and all that kind of thing and I really like both of those guys. I guess this is building towards something between Orton and Foley for later because we get a full ninety seconds of those guys rather than anything going on in the ring and as the next guy gets called that being Nunzio and Mick Foley sockos the guy. 


Back to the action in the ring, Christian goes hard at Benoit however Angle intercedes and German suplexes both Christian and Benoit and I am wondering if Puddintaine is right that there were just altogether too many suplexes in this period and I am only *wondering* that mind you because I really like suplexes but I am finding myself increasingly unmoved by them in this Royal Rumble match. Big Show is in at number twenty four and you know what maybe it is not as good to have the number right up on the screen; maybe some of the pleasure is kind of losing track a little and being like OH MAN HOW MANY GUYS ARE EVEN LEFT and then maybe you hear from the announcers what number you're at *but maybe you don't* and yeah actually I think that is the way to do it. Man Christian is *awesome.* I wasn't really watching wrestling when he left and went to TNA for a while so what was that all about? JERICHO is in and he and Christian work over Angle and lol Big Show gets involved with guys and JR is like "THEY TRY TO MOUNT BIG SHOW FROM BEHIND" and yeah I tittered so what. Charlie Haas is in and man that is one nondescript guy who is like tag team vertical suplexed by Jericho and Christian. Nunzio btw still hasn't entered the ring. Christian who is probably one of the best *bumpers* I know of take a nice spill to the outside at the hands of Jericho and wtf Billy Gunn was still around in 2004? "Fame-ass-er" is not much of a name for a cool move. lol Tazz is like "he used to be married to a guy -- you've been married a bunch of times JR have you ever been married to a guy?" and JR was like "uh no" and I am like loosen up man try it next time who knows. Boy Benoit sure is crazy about German suplexes lol there he goes again.


THE DOCTOR OF THUGANOMICS is out next in his baby blue Phillies Tugg McGraw throwback and I really liked John Cena's old music better than his new music but things change I get it. We're really getting down to it here as RRRRRRRRR VVVVVVVVVVVVV DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD is in at number twenty nine and we know Goldberg is in next (they should never tell us who is number thirty ahead of time btw) and JR says that RVD might be the greatest wrestler to never be the world's champion and lol they try man they really try but he elects to get very very high and is stripped iirc. Cena tossed Nunzio into the ring a minute ago btw and now he hits Angle with an F-U. Here's Goldberg and I don't think I've ever seen so much as a minute of Goldberg in WWE. He spears Big Show and kind of barely touches Charlie Haas who flies out and over for him in a pretty shitty way and now it is a spear for poor Nunzio and then he tosses out Mr. Ass and then Nunzio and I thought the deal was they did not *book* Goldberg *strong* enough? He is straight up killing dudes oh OK until Brock Lesnar runs in and hits the F5 and lol Goldberg is so shitty at *selling* and anyway Kurt Angle tips him out from behind and GOOD because you're stupid Goldberg.


Alright so we've got Benoit, RVD, Jericho, Angle, Cena all working on the Big Show but BABOOOOOOM he throws them all off him and now dudes are all just bouncing off him and yeah that is the kind of reverence with which a dude of his girth should always be treated in a Royal Rumble and oh man this is *fucking awesome* as everybody hits their *tokui waza* or *preferred technique* on this the Biggest of all Shows after he gets chop blocked by Angle whilst attempting a slam of Cena so it's like LIONSAULT FIVE-STAR FROG SPLASH FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE SWAN DIVE HEAD BUTT YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAH and that is basically the promise of the Royal Rumble concept realized in like one forty-five-second sequence of MOOOOOOOOOVES and I am having like a Fire Progasm or something I don't know how to describe it.  Now everybody Angle has organized everybody to try to get Big Show up and out but he is like NO FUK U and he throws Cena out and AARRRGHHHHH Cena's knee got sooooooo fucked up the way he landed and he is being *shoot* attended to because that is some gruesome and grisly shit woah. RVD works over Big Show in the corner but he goes for a monkey flip and is just tossed right out for his troubles so our final four consists of Big Show, Jericho, Angle, and the corpse of John Cena on the outside. 


Jericho is the only guy up and after Big Show right now and a bulldog from the second turnbuckle is I think an underrated maneuver and YEEEEEEAHHH WALLS OF JERICHO and Big Show is tapping but of course that means nothing and come on Kurt Angle why would you break that up man have a fuckin clue out there. WOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAH CHOKE SLAM TO THE FLOOR JERICHO IS OUT man that was pretty cool and now there is a choke slam for Benoit as well and Angle attempts a German suplex on *the big man* but Big Show counters with his rump HOWEVER ANGLE SLAM ANGLE SLAM first on Big Show and then on Benoit and Tazz is like THAT'S FOR THE AMERICAN TROOPS and Angle counters out of a choke slam and ends up rolling through to an ankle lock which sounds better than it was actually but it was OK. OH COOL Big Show kind of dove over the top rope and back in pulling Angle over and out because he was totally attached to his ankle and in fact the replay reveals that that was *really cool* and now it is Big Show vs. Benoit FOR ALL THE MARBLES and Benoit hits a diving headbutt from the top turnbuckle to the Big Show standing on the apron and it knocks Big Show back in and for whatever reason the crowd was not that into that move but I liked it! Big Show goes for the chokeslam but it is countered into a Crippler Crossface but Big Show is like oh OK and he just kind of stands up and slams him down like it is not a tremendously big deal to do so. He pulls down his shoulder straps and is like COME TO ME BENOIT which is actually a direct quote here believe it or not and then he presses him overhead but Benoit is like GUILLOTINE and now he is on the apron but he keeps pulling and the Big Show is teetering and YES BENOIT BENOIT HAS DONE IT and call me soft on the crimes of infanticide and ladymurder if you must but that was a *really* good Royal Rumble match! Benoit was of course very good throughout but the best part FOR SURE was when Big Show was crushing dudes so they all had to BAND TOGETHER and hit like A MILLION FINISHERS and THAT IS HOW YOU DO IT