Tuesday, 31 January 2012


THIS 2006 ROYAL RUMBLE HAS BEEN PRETTY SHITTY at least up until the Royal Rumble match itself but let me briefly recap the events that have transpired so far beneath the banner of this ancient-Roman-gladiatorial-or-something-themed World Wrestling Entertainment Pay Per View extravaganza. The first match was a six-man tornado-style contest for the now mercifully defunct Cruiserweight Championship between Kid Kash, Jamie Noble, Funaki, a non-Hurricane Gregory Helms, Nunzio, and Paul London who is my rooting interest here based solely on how awesome it was when Snitsky clotheslined him off the apron in the previous year's Royal Rumble. This match is *busy* man just crazy busy which is what you would expect and I am not about to tell you that were not some cool moves because on the contrary there were such as a top-rope swinging neckbreaker and a pretty sick brainbuster and best of all a "shooting star press" off the top turnbuckle to the outside and lol the dudes charged with the task of catching Paul London kind of fucked that up a little bit on that one. In the end Gregory Helms who is significantly uglier than I thought he would be won the match after a "shining wizard" which is a technique or *waza* that everybody was pretty into for a while there weren't they. Also on the topic of "waza" at one point Tazz was like "hey that's a cross arm breaker also known as a 'juji gatame' and it's a great technique" and I was like yuuusssssssssssss.

Then we get some backstage vignettes in which wrestlers visit Vince McMahon to draw their numbers for the Royal Rumble and unsurprisingly our egotistical chairman is surrounded by a bevy of tittering *sexy ladies* consisting of Torrie Wilson and I think that's Candace Michelle and that is definitely Victoria and I feel kind of bad for Victoria because really she should be out there dropping vertebreakers on cats not sitting on Vince McMahon's lap but sometimes not always but sometimes wrestling can be sexist. Randy Orton selects his number whilst attired in one of those pretty cool "rKo" shirts styled after the nWo shirts of yore and then Triple H comes in and there is *tension* and at this point Triple H had gone full Lemmy/surly Harley Race with his facial hair and his t-shirt has a great big iron cross and then a pile of skulls so he is probably a horrible Third Reich apologist or maybe he just likes things that are cool looking idk. Triple H delivers some *risqué* lines here like "Torrie would you open your box for me" and "Candace would you hold my ball" which actually makes him sound like a monorchid and then when Triple H draws a number that we are meant to understand to have been unfavourable to him he gives this WHUH? facial reaction which is somewhat broader that one would expect from a man who would go on to star alongside Parker Posey and Michael Rappaport in a feature film but who am I to judge such matters. They do another one of these later where Big Show can't fit his hand in the thing you know the *thing* because he is a giant and so a ladaaaay has to draw his number for him and Vince is like "lol looks a blue ball" and he is the only one who lols in the entire universe at that moment. Rey Mysterio comes in and is like hi everybody I am going to be blessed by Eddie Guerrero tonight because he is *shoot* dead now after a deeply troubling toothbrushing incident what is good. However when he draws his number it is difficult to tell whether Eddie has helped him draw a good number or if he has become a trickster figure this ethereal Guerrero and has instead bestowed upon him a bad number and I am not sure if this is a deliberate ambiguity in the performance or if Rey Mysterio stinks at acting well let me rephrase that because I *know* Rey Mysterio stinks at acting but maybe this was his crowning moment of it or something. I went to a Smackdown(!) taping in Toronto when they were in the midst of the Eddie/Rey paternity issue or whatever it was exactly and I don't know how all of that came off on television but "in the building" it was a turkey man a turkey.

Also backstage Mickie James tells Trish Stratus that she loves her and then Stratus referees a match between James and "Ashley" who is a "Diva Search" "winner" and man oh man is she ever "green" out there like arguably the worst in-ring wrestling performer I have ever seen and the only thing that pulls me through this match is the memory that at some point Mickie James taunted an opponent in such a way that strongly suggested *the licking of pussy* and while I genuinely do prefer my pretend fighting to be squarely PG in nature that was a hell of a thing for real. Also this Royal Rumble show is going to feature Edge at the height of his Rated-R Superstardom and in the opening montage tonight there were all kinds of shots of that time he had pretend sex with Lita LIVE ON RAW and that whole deal was pretty great iirc and lol Matt Hardy got fired. Anyway Mickie James wins but you seriously wouldn't believe how poor Ashley is in this and really you just feel bad for her because there is no reason somebody who couldn't do the most basic stuff should be "working" in front of a crowd at all let alone at the prestigious 2006 Royal Rumble right? The final pre-Rumble match saw JBL accompanied by Jillian Hall bested by The BOOGEYMAN who is like some kind of racialist living nightmare of tribal blackness or something and he eats worms and symbolically rapes the blonde-haired presumably blue-eyed (but I am not checking) Jillian Hall before the match and after a pump-handle slam on the man who failed in his racial duty to protect her it is like lol WELCOME EVERYONE TO PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING

So as I say this has been pretty shitty so far but the Royal Rumble proper is up next and I always *always* expect the best however isn't it weird to put the Rumble on in the middle of the show? I would literally never do that if I had my hands on "the book" and in time it is likely that I will. Once again the match is organized at least loosely around this being fifteen dudes from Raw and fifteen from Smackdown(!) and it would seem that Rey Mysterio is dedicating his performance in this 2006 Royal Rumble to the memory of his fallen bro and so is this maybe the one he wins? Also did I maybe watch this one at O'Grady's? Only time will tell! If the answer to either of those two questions is "yes" then this the last one I saw for a while. In place of prerecorded comments from a bunch of guys we instead get a pretty rad video package highlighting a number of dudes and things and yeah it's exciting. OK so we have finally reached the post-Finkel era as Lillian Garcia is in there to explain the premise to us and idk man she seems nice HOWEVER she is interrupted by the Spirit Squad who I had completely forgotten about but who were *awesome* and they do a cheer and lol I love it. "Ladies and gentlemen," Lillian Garcia says, "I have been asked to say 'let's hear it for the Spirit Squad'" ahahaha that was *great*. Once again we are looking at ninety-second intervals and I guess I am going to just have to accept that going forward as it appears to have become standard at this point.

We learn straight away that Triple H was right to respond like WHUH? when he drew his number because as it turns out it is number one and you know what the number one entry should *always* be somebody who could plausibly win the Royal Rumble like a guy who as soon as he comes out at number one you are like "you know what I could totally see them have this guy go the distance" because then it plants a seed man it plants a *seed.* lol ok there is this one guy in the crowd wearing a "'beater" as it is known and he fuckin loves him some Triple H hahaha he is *awesome* let me screencap this business for you:

In all honesty I feel *exactly* like that guy feels during Triple H's entrance because it is pretty much the best entrance in the history of pretending to fight and iirc Bill Simmons aka The Sports Guy once said in passing that he would pay like $3000 or something to do Triple H's entrance on the condition that people would respond to him the way they do to Triple H and although I am almost certainly remembering that number wrong it is nevertheless a fair price imo and is perhaps revealing of what value I myself would place on such an experience? Who can say. Rey Mysterio is in at number two and he comes out in a "low rider" and an Eddie Guerrero t-shirt and let me say first of all that going forward I will hold no distinction between he who enters first and wins the Rumble and he who enters second and does the same because it is the same feat and as was first pointed out to us years ago number two is perhaps a *worse* draw than number one in certain circumstances. Another thing I would like to say and this is really kind of a confession and that is that in the last few years I have found myself a little bit tired of Rey Mysterio and it hurts me to say that a little but it is nevertheless true and it's not like he is no longer good at all the things that he does in fact he is still *very* good at them but I just don't care as much as I would like to in all honesty. But if anything is going to reinvigorate the feelings that I *should* have about Rey Mysterio it is this the Royal Rumble which maybe he goes the distance in and wins. The match begins very well indeed because both Rey Mysterio and Triple H have what a little league coach of my youth would call "an idea out there" and then Simon Dean comes out on a segway and lol man I totally liked that character. Mysterio and Triple H do away with him in short order and PSYCOSIS BABY YEAH of the Mexicools is out next but fares not much better as he is head-scissored over the top by well why don't you guess if it was by Rey Mysterio or Triple H. Now we have "Nature Boy" Ric Flair and he and Triple H go at it pretty good here and at first I am like wtf I thought they were bros but Michael Cole who is calling this match *quite well* alongside Jerry Lawler reminds me that these two had some BLOODY BRAWLS late in the previous year and then I am like "oh yeah." Triple H backdrops Flair out before the next competitor is called and when that competitor is called he is called the Big Show and yeah that's right I use the article when I refer to him. Triple is doing some Flairesque selling for the Big Show but he is putting his own unique stamp on it and look I will say it again Triple H is just really good at wrestling professionally and while I acknowledge that that is by no means *all* there is to it it is at least a thing worth mentioning. 

Another thing perhaps worth mentioning: two like heralds or something open this big swinging gate for each dude to enter through and it is *not a cool thing* and out next is Coachman but the Big Show pie-faces him out immediately and this very same Show presses Triple H straight over head and then chops Triple H in the corner and lol now he has wobbly legs Triple H does. Rey Mysterio has taken a powder for like the last four minutes btw. Out comes Bobby Lashley who arguably works out and we are told that he is at this point undefeated and is the upcoming Wrestlemania the one where Lashley wrestles as Donald Trump's proxy and Trump could never remember the guy's name when he was promoting the match and always seemed just short of referring to him as "my black" or something? Maybe that's the one after the next one; I'm not checking. Lashley and the Big Show who honestly I keep wanting to call "The Giant" which is a much better name imo do some fairly compelling stuff while Triple H and Mysterio chill and next out we have Kane and I *think* the crowd briefly chants LET'S GO KANE but I'm not sure. Lashley belly-to-belly suplexes Kane and not long after hits him with a the black nationalist finishing technique sometimes called THE DOMINATOR and it's pretty cool! Sylvan Grenier is the next to enter but Lashley tosses him after like fifteen seconds. In kind of a cool thing both Kane and the Big Show chokeslam Lashley at once and then toss him out and surely no one could hold that against Lashley. Triple H is basically asleep in one corner while Mysterio is struggling in the other while Kane and the Big Show are in double goozle position along the ropes and HEEEEY TRIPLE H ELIMINATES BOTH OF YOUR TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS in a single tipping and it's particularly exciting tipping because he had been out of it totally for ages.

Carlito is in next and I like him but I think the I SPIT APPLES INTO THE HEAD AND NECK AREA OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO HAVE THE AUDACITY TO THINK THEY ARE COOL WHEN IN FACT THE REALITY IS LARGELY TO THE CONTRARY preamble to his music is cumbersome. Carlito and Rey have a cool exchange that culminates in a fuckin backcracker *par excellence* and Rey makes the best selling sounds man they are like the complete opposite of Lex Luger's worst-ever selling sounds. Everyone else ever falls somewhere betwen those two polarities. AND NOW CHRIS BENOIT who suplexes and chops dudes until he Crippler Crossfaces Carlito which is not a great move *strategically* as it allows Triple H to "get the drop on him* and in a really cool bit Benoit is on the apron and Triple H is on the inside and they tease suplexes for a *really* long time until Triple H puts him on the top turnbuckle and so we are thinking OK cool let's get a superplex here BUT NO it ends up being a swandive headbutt (why do I call it that? is that what they call it in Fire Pro?) and yeah that was great. United States champion BOOKER T comes to the ring at number thirteen (they are displaying the numbers which again might be too much knowledge and I am increasingly a Tiresius not an Oedipus on this one and forgive me if that is an analogy I have already used in these pages) and he is accompanied by his lovely wife however Benoit puts him out right away and man Booker T really sucks at Royal Rumbles. Here comes Joey Mercury accompanied by Melina and wait are their two sets of tag team champions at this point? Anyway he is wearing a tag team title tucked into his waistband and hanging down in front like an immaculate golden dong and there can be no doubt that Joey Mercury is not as cool as John Morrison. Benoit suplexes him.

lol it is TATANKA in at number fifteen and sure why the hell not and he is looking good out there man just straight up TOMAHAWK CHOPPIN' dudes and yipping and now the crowd is doing the Seminoles/Braves chant thing and by any reasonable standard the return of Tatanka has to be considered an unqualified success only sixty seconds in. Here comes JOHNNY NITRO who is a man with abdominal muscles and ooooooooh Benoit had Triple H on the apron but "The Game" is still alive and to this Royal Rumble midpoint has been the best guy there. Trevor Murdoch is aptly described by Jerry "The King" Lawler as "looking like a big bottle of milk" and yeah there is a certain Bulldog Bob Brownishness to his physical appearance and they are *really* playing on this "EDDIE GUERRERO IS LOOKING DOWN FROM HEAVEN AND SAVES HIS DEAR FRIEND REY FROM ELIMINATION ONCE AGAIN" stuff. Eugene is in and remember when the thing that concerned us on the internet was how Chris Benoit was the World Heavyweight Champion but his matches were overshadowed by the Triple H vs. Eugene feud but then later it became like lol I wish the thing we were concerned about Chris Benoit on the internet was that he was the World Heavyweight Champion but his matches were overshadowed by the Triple H vs. Eugene feud. Road Warrior Animal of the Legion of Doom got fat and also he is the guy to make a surprising return to the Royal Rumble next. Lawler is doing shtick and Micheal Cole is like it's good that you've got that fresh material King to help the evening roll along and I am like "lol." 

ROOOOOB VAAAAAAAAAN DAAAAAAAAAAAM is back apparently from injury and he is as "over" as his punches to the chin of Triple H are "shitty" which is to say *extremely* and I love RVD man I used him on Fire Pro while I was in the bathroom *just last night* as he eliminates Animal here and now it is Orlando Jordan who I think was pretty good. The RVD chants continue here at the sold-out American Airlines Arena in Miami which looks like a very fine building except that there are two really wide aisles in sight of the main camera view which look for all the world like empty seats and it is a little bit distracting but not *too* distracting so I will be OK don't worry. "OOOOOOOH CHAAAAAAAAAVO" is what the girlies say but you have put on a little weight haven't you Chavito and the crowd chants "Eddie" and Chavo does a little shuffly Eddie dance and then hits the "three amigos" in tribute to his dead wrestler uncle who was more like a dead wrestler brother to him and he goes up top but oh no has been pushed to the floor by "The Cerebral Assassin"! OOOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHH DUN DA DUN DA dA DUNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNN MATT HARDY and man people loved the Hardy Boyzzz didn't they. We've got quite a crowd at the moment and that crowd consists of Triple H , Mysterio, RVD, Eugene, Nitro, Mercury, Tatanka, Jordan, Carlito, Hardy, Murcdoch, and Benoit. MNM eliminate Tatanka just in time for SUPER CRAZY to hit the ring and come off the top with a "cross body" on both Nitro and Mercury and Super Crazy covers his entire body with attire because of shame. Triple H keeps on getting near-eliminated in case you were wondering what he has been doing. 

Shawn Michaels *thinks* he's cute, but *knows* he's sexy and everybody is bouncing around for his little pitterpat right hands in deference to his many years of excellence inside the squared circle which is very nice of them. Trevor Murdoch dives out over "HBK" who has pulled the top rope down in a maneuver that recalls "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan's elimination of the One Man Gang to win the inaugural Royal Rumble match so many years ago and lol here is Chris Masters who had the utter gall to go off steroids for like a *second* and Triple H on air was like "lol u r skinny bro why so skinny" and it was pretty cool. Who do we have at number twenty seven well it is the "world's largest love machine" which in this case is Viscera and I guess WWE "creative" thought that very large black men who were interested in tha ladaaayz was comedy gold much as great big fat black women in the mold of Sapphire or Shelton Benjamin's mom who stopped by earlier are also the best. Viscera tosses Matt Hardy btw. RIGHT ON CUE IT IS SHELTON BENJAMIN AND HIS MOMMA and Benoit eliminates Eugene and weren't they buddies the previous summer? Every-man-for-himself though I guess is the reality here. At number twenty-nine it is GOLDUST who I guess had not been around for a while but we are all no doubt pleased to see him return. Man Chris Masters is huuuuuuuuuge at this point but you know who else is too? Orlando Jordan. So which World Wrestling Entertainment Superstar of a wrestler drew the coveted thirtieth number it is "THE LEGEND KILLER" RANDY ORTON who is a very good wrestler and there are a *ton* of guys out there now including Rey Mysterio and Triple H who I would remind you have been in this match since its beginning and ORTON ELIMINATES BENOIT and it is an RKO on Viscera and then Carlito and Masters eliminate Viscera and Masters is like YEAH BABAY but Carlito takes that opportunity to toss Masters who is not thrilled. For I believe the second time in Royal Rumble history Goldust has done that middle-turnbuckle groin kick, this time on Carlito, and it's a pretty good bit! Immediately thereafter though RVD hits a soft-as-softest-shit spinning heel kick that Goldust has to like propel himself over the top for and Orton just put Orlando Jordan out in kind of a cool way where Jordan was on the apron and Orton like pulled him down such that he was "stun gunned" or something.

So we've got Orton, Nitro, Mercury, RVD, Carlito, Rey Rey, Triple H, Michaels and Shelton Benjamin all still out there and Shawn Michaels is all like KIP UP and stuff and he puts both Nitro and Mercury out and then "skins the cat" but Benjamin hits HBK with what Cole calls a "dragon kick" which I like the sound of very much! OH SHIT that was one hell of a superkick elimination of Shelton Benjamin and so it would seem that Shelton Benjamin's promise to Mr. McMahon that he would eliminate Shawn Michaels will go unfulfilled and here is McMahon himself down at ringside but unlike last year he has not blown out both fuckin legs lol OH NO IT IS SHANE MCMAHON WHO HAS SNUCK UP FROM BEHIND AND ELIMINATED SHAWN MICHAELS AND I THINK THAT IS PRETTY STUPID AND NOW HBK IS BACK IN AND HE SUPERKICKS TRIPLE H and yeah that was all kind of dumb really. 

RVD puts Carlito out with another pretty awful looking kick lol I *love* that guy so our final four is RVD, Orton, Mysterio, and Triple H which is a pretty awesome final four imo and Mysterio and RVD kind of slip each other some skin like bros might thereby suggesting a temporary alliance and yeah actually they are doing awesome moves that involve RVD chucking Mysterio on dudes much as Kane would chuck RVD on dudes in days of auld lang syne. RVD just went out in kind of a cool way as he had been *crotched* on the top turnbuckle by Triple H and then Mysterio is like flipped into him headfirst and so RVD tumbles out and after a Triple H and Orton team-up on Mysterio for a while which is like "shades" of Evolution is it not? Mysterio gets on a roll and hits a double 619 and some stuff like that and Lawler is like I FEEL THE PRESENCE OF EDDIE GUERRERO and let me tell you that this is not a subtle thing they are doing here even by the standards or this our most loved sport. YEEEAAAAHH Mysterio body-scissors Triple H over in a cool way and Triple H has been the best in this match man *the best* and he is not pleased about the way his night has ended so just as Mysterio was about to face off against Orton, Triple H hauls the little fella out from under the bottom rope and "Irish whips" him into the ring steps. So now we've got Mysterio who has been in there for the duration of the entire match thus far and Orton who came in as the last dude and OH SHIT HURRICANRANA TYPE COUNTER THING AND IT IS ALL OVER good job Rey Mysterio you did a really good job out there little guy good for you! He is all *pointing towards the heavens* and stuff. That was a pretty good Royal Rumble! I would definitely say that Triple H was the best guy out there in that one but Rey was also very good and Michael Cole paints a word-portrait of Mysterio wrestling his first match in a run-down church in Tijuana at the age of fifteen that is *vivid.*   
How dumb is it that there are still matches now? I would say plenty! But they are matches I am not *in principle* opposed to otherwise so I'm sure I will be OK. Backstage we are shown Mysterio in celebration with Benoit and YEAH DEAN MALENKO YEAAAAHH and Chavo but then Edge and Lita stop by and lol they were awesome and Edge is like "hey bravo you finally won the big one *about time bro*" and first up yeah we've got "The Rated R" Superstar Edge who has really come into his own here and he is defending against former champion John Cena. We are reminded that Edge had won the inaugural Money in the Bank match which is a *great* concept that I am totally into and I guess he "cashed in" his shot against a bloodied John Cena who had just survived a grueling "Elimination Chamber" and yeah that was that. I believe it was around this time when I read an interview with Edge at like IGN of all places and he was like "I want to play a heel with no redeeming characteristics at all like *none*" and he pretty much managed that except for when as I have mentioned he and Lita had simulated sex on Raw which was one of the most ridiculous and best things to have ever been on wrestling probably and a boob got out as you can see here:


also prior to that it was like this:

like idk man you are aware of my antipathy towards the Era called Attitude so I am not of the opinion that sleaze necessarily makes for good wrestling in fact I am kind of of the view that it is otherwise but this particular sleaze that we are currently discussing seems to me to have been utterly transcendent sleaze of the highest calibre and it enriched the culture basically. 

Interestingly John Cena makes his entrance atop this elaborate multiple catwalk structure that descends from the rafters and looks pretty expensive. Edge's entrance is much more of the kind we are used to as it goes *zzrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnn* you think you know me BADADADADADADADADADADADA OOOOON THIS DAAAAAAAAY and lol he still has Cena's spinner belt which does not auger well for a long title reign despite his insistence that he will not be a "transitional champion" does it and hey what is up Amy "Lita" Dumas you used to do rad moves sometimes and I like your hair and do you still keep in touch with Essa Rios? This is probably going to be a good match I think! In the early going it is a lot of *brawling on the outside* including a pretty cool SPEAR into the ring steps and soon thereafter a "baseball slide" that sends Cena into the first row. Edge is firmly in control here ladies and gentlemen and he is also going "you can't see me" which is ice cold of him. A hearty "Let's go Cena/Let's go Edge" gets going and the thing where half the crowd loves Cena and half the crowd can't stand him has been going on pretty much forever hasn't it? Also I am not ashamed to admit that I am still thinking about Lita a little right now and what I am thinking about specifically is that her autobiography Lita: A Less Traveled R.O.A.D: Reality of Amy Dumas probably has the shittiest title of anything ever but maybe it's good idk. Jerry Lawler complains that Edge is just so *full* of himself now that he is champion and who could argue. Oh yeah I should tell you that Joey Styles is the play-by-play guy for the matches involving dudes of Raw and I know the internet line on him is that he is only good with Paul E. Dangerously in his earpiece or what have you but I think he's pretty good and I am not concerned with how that effect is achieved.

I don't really think I like missile dropkicks as much as I'm supposed to but Edge lands one. lol not long thereafter Cena has a run of much improved luck come to a halt when he misses a top rope leg drop which is a seriously comical move when it is missed and I'm not sure why but IT IS. We are well into the era in which when a dude gets both "hooks" in and has any kind of "chin lock" of "sleeper hold" or anything they call it a "rear naked choke" and I'm not going to go through the whole thing again but I think that's kind of a funny thing to do. John Cena gets on top of this whole situation eventually though and hits what Joey Style calls "A SEATED BELLY-TO-BACK POWERBOMB" which is an utterly absurd thing to call what just happened but nevertheless there is an STFU and HOOOOOOOLY SHIT HE TAPPED TO THAT and I have no recollection of that move being the kind of thing that would end a title match clean in the centre of the ring but there you go! Not a great match by any stretch but it was a good one for sure. Backstage Lita is asked for comment but she is interrupted by "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan who as you know has a distinguished history at the Royal Rumble and he is like I AM HERE TO SAY HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and this is done to disparage Lita who I am reminded here is a *horrible* actress but again cool moves and pretty hair so let's not be picky.

Kurt Angle who is set to defend his World Heavyweight Championship against Mark Henry is kind of losing coherence here in his pre-match interview with the floppy-haird Josh Matthews. Mark Henry accompanied to the ring by Davari is as you know a rad guy and he is my definite rooting interest in this one. Apparently he put BIG DAVE out of action recently and then Kurt Angle won a battle royal to claim the title which sounds kind of stupid if you ask me. OK so we are well into this match and so far the only thing that I have liked all that much is when Mark Henry was bear hugging Kurt Angle for a while and then Angle escaped with a hip throw but then Angle gets a bunch of his moves in like the German suplex and the Angle slam and whatnot and I don't want to see any of it I want to see Mark Henry just squish this dude I don't want to see STRAPS DOWN ANKLE LOCK HE MEANS BUSINESS because I am tired of Kurt Angle at this point guys I am tired of him. Ref bump; chairs and stuff; Mark Henry kicks out but is soon thereafter sent headlong into a *hadaka* turnbuckle; Angle rolls him up "with a handful of tights" and that's that OR IS IT as after the match the Undertaker is wheeled out in a fucking chariot pulled by a white horse I shit you not in the *least* and then he fuckin shoots lightning at the ceiling and at the ring and the ring collapses and then one of the babies looked at me and this suuuuuuuuucks and also why would you put any matches *at all* after the Royal Rumble? You don't need a main event for the Royal Rumble; the Royal Rumble is the main event of the Royal Rumble. This shit is *basic.*

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