2007 ROYAL RUMBLE

ALRIGHT SO HERE ARE THE KINDS OF THINGS THAT HAPPEN AT THE 2007 ROYAL RUMBLE LIVE FROM SAN ANTONIO TEXAS *BEFORE* UMAGA CHALLENGES JOHN CENA TO A LAST MAN STANDING MATCH AND CHANGES HISTORY FOREVER: The Hardys and MNM go surprisingly long in an entirely competent but unthrilling match that has the potential to be quite rad as it comes not long after Joey Mercury's face was utterly destroyed by an errant ladder but in the end the contest offers no pleasures more lasting or substantial than Melina's ring entrance; ECW oh yeah right they totally brought that back for a bit didn't they Champion Bobby Lashley defeated fucking Test by countout in a match that was already sucking long before Test responded to a belly-to-belly suplex and a clothesline by walking out of the match and man the whole reason you even *have* title matches is to ensure that there will be at least *some* professional wrestling matches that will never have Test in them and this match betrayed that trust and it is the greatest indictment of the "brand extension" system that I have yet seen; and in a contest between two guys who are basically rad ring entrances Big Dave held on to his Big Gold Belt despite the best efforts of Mr. Kennedy who I recall seeing in a "dark" match before the Smackdown(!) taping in Toronto that I have mentioned to you previously and I believe he was working with a slightly different name or something but look I liked that old-timey announcer entrance as much and indeed perhaps *more* than the next guy but it is not enough to sustain an entire dude and let me add that you can have the challenger work over the champion's leg forever all you want man *all you want* but it does not mean you are going to get Bret Hart vs. Diesel out of Mr. Kennedy vs. Batista and finally on the subject of this why would you give the bad guy the "visual" pin during the ref bump like are you *that* committed to making this dude menacing or something because I mean *fuck's sake.* This is all to say that I have not been enjoying this particular Royal Rumble undercard and the let's-check-in-with-the-respective-General-Managers-and-also-dudes-drawing-numbers-near-a-sexy-ladaaay bits are worse than usual, the only highlight coming when Kelly Kelly goes "hi Edge my name is Kelly Kelly and I'm an exhibitionist" and in response Edge basically talks like Beaker from the Muppets for about eight seconds. There was a bit where Kelly was holding two of the balls and she is like lol I am holding balls and Ron Simmons comes out and is like "DAMN" (what up peot?). Also I think that when they try to do *serious tension* surrounding the draw, the seriousness and tension is undermined by the fact that the numbers come in those little balls that are basically the ones you get from vending machines with little things in them or like idk like kinder eggs or something and so you'll have two dudes looking all hard at each other and then one will open their little number pokéball and it goes *bwurp* and then the other guy opens his and it goes *bwurp* and it is a funny noise man not a serious noise.


BUT FUCK ALL THAT IT IS TIME FOR UMAGA AND JOHN CENA LAST MAN STANDING and I probably hadn't seen a single wrestling match start to finish in a calender year when somebody on this very internet was like "ok everybody watch this it is incredible" and I DID and IT TOTALLY WAS and since that time I cannot but reflect upon the awesomeness of this match whenever anyone on the internet is like "nnnnwwwwwaaaaiiiiii don't like John Cena or think he is any good" but I have not watched it since very soon after it happened so I am VERY interested to see how well it holds up these five years later. Here comes Umaga straight from the island of fucking SAMOA and he is fucking yelling SAMOA and does he have like a whole bunch of gold teeth because he is a BOSS and he has been accompanied to the ring by a dude in a hat also; they call him "Estrada." OH HEY a quick visit to wikipedia tells me that Umaga is Jamaal of Three-Minute warning and also that he is the younger brother of RIKISHI AKA FATU and you might very well be of the opinion that I am pro wres stupid for not knowing those things and honestly I can muster no credible defense to those charges but more pressingly right now Umaga is "taking it" to John Cena and his injured ribs, ribs injured I believe when Umaga put Cena through a fuckin table with a splash off the top turnbuckle recently. Cena tries to bounce Umaga's head off the apron but come on dog don't you know that Umaga is SAMOAN and wrestling is TOTALLY RACIST and usually that is AWFUL but right now it OWNS. My thoughts turn to something I believe I picked up from the "dirt sheets" and that is the notion that the role of Umaga was first offered to indie great "Samoa" Joe who declined and elected to work for TNA and of course he has gone on to toil in relative obscurity whilst Umaga main evented WWE pay per views and cashed fat fuckin cheques like the boss that he was until he failed a bunch of drug tests and then tranq'd himself to death OH SHIT CLOTHESLINE YEEEEAHHH and Cena is down but of course not yet out and then lololol OK pretty much *right* after Cena is up the next thing you know he chucks the fuckin ring steps from inside the very ring to which those steps stepped and they hit Umaga in the head and I am feeling this match in a very real way.


One wonders what Umaga plans to do with the bottom half of the ring steps that he has just carried into the ring. I want to know *right away* but I am willing to wait because I think it is going to be so incredibly great. Yeah that was pretty cool: Cena was propped up against the steps and Umaga charged at him from the opposite corner but Cena moved and Umaga went in haaaaaaaard and now Cena comes off the top but he is CAUGHT and "tilt-a-whirl slammed" with extreme prejudice. I remind you that John Cena came into the match with a rib injury and I would further remind you that John Cena is capable of *selling his ass off* when the occasion warrants and this is one such occasion. YEEEEEAH Cena with a slam onto the steel steps and now he is contending that he cannot be seen and it is time for the "Five-Knuckle Shuffle" on the steps and then Cena is of the opinion that is time for the Attitude Adjustment or I guess it was still called the F-U on the steps but he hasn't the strength and he falls in such a way that wedged between Umaga's girth and "the cold hard steel" is his fuckin face and next comes the "blade job" and there is a Cena sucks chant right now and it is unforgivable to be of that view at this moment imo. LET'S GO CENA/CENA SUCKS are the dueling chants that you know well. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAA YEAH CENA WITH THE COMEBACK CUTOFF BY THE SICKEST SAMOAN DROP EVER which lol JR actually refers to as a *slobberknocking* Samoan drop and is it time for the "Samoan Spike" NO it is NOT because it was blocked however Cena soon thereafter finds himself hanging upside down from the top turnbuckle in the "tree of woe" position and Umaga charges at him but he totally moves and then Cena lands a top rope leg drop out of the corner which was pretty cool.


John Cena is bleeding A LOT by the time he hits Umaga's head and mostly the ring post I guess *really hard* with a television monitor. JEEEEEESUS CHRIST OK OK OK here is what just happened: Umaga laid Cena out on the ECW announce table and he goes not one but *two* announce tables over and runs across yeah the Raw table and the Smackdown table that's right and LEAPS and DIVES and Cena MOVES and Umaga is THROUGH THE TABLE and also DOWN and that was AWESOME and it gave us a nine count that was just as exciting as a 2.9999999 in a great title match and that is the first time that has ever happened in any Last Man Standing match ever. That wasn't cool enough though so now Estrada has dismantled the top turnbuckle and thus the top rope lays in ruins and Umaga is yelling shit about Samoa and he is going to run this metal deal right through Cena "Samoan Spike" style but Cena ducks and it is an FU and then an STFU in which he is *choking the shit* out of Umaga with the ring rope not once but twice and that is it man that is the finish in this the fucking Citizen Kane-times-a-billion of Last Man Standing matches and Cena is just standing around looking fucked up and no matter how hard Cena works and he always looks like he's working hard he is never going to top this one is he. FUCK MAN THAT WAS A COOL MATCH THOUGH.     


Backstage Sandman hits himself in the head with a rattan cane and then Kelly Kelly and some other ladies dance with Ric Flair who responds by saying "Woo" and now it is time for the ROYAL RUMBLE and they play a video montage of past glories and it is really good. HISTORY. LEGACY. CONTROVERSY. DESTINY. These are the words we are asked to keep in mind as we consider this "the most star-studded" Royal Rumble in history in which for the first time ECW "extremists" join Raw and Smackdown "superstars" and I get "pretty worked up" because "Royal Rumbles are awesome" except for the ones that are "really shitty" and "even then" they are still "kind of neat." Once again we are looking at a ninety-second situation here and I have I think at last made my peace with that. WOOOOO ladies and gentlemen it is "Nature Boy" Ric Flair in at number one and he is wearing once of the best robes of his entire career and I mean just think about that for a second and who will be number two lol MY NAME IS FINLAY AND I LOVE TO FIGHT and he has brought his Irish Twacking Stick with him but he is not actually permitted to bring it into the ring which is a good call on the part of the referees. Finlay and Flair exchange blows in the corner until Flair is "Irish" whipped amirite into the far corner and then they do more of that. Flair looks so fuckin old right now man. I have no idea who Kenny Dykstra is but it is worth noting that his name sounds an awful lot like Lenny Dykstra who actually could be a real threat in a Royal Rumble context if given the chance and I believe he is looking for work currently so who knows. Matt Hardy is in next and you will recall that he already "worked" like a twenty minute match tonight so one wonders how much he has "in the tank."  JBL who is on commentary alongside Lawler and Michael Cole points out that the Royal Rumble "is the closest thing we have to an endurance event in sports entertainment" and that I think the Iron Man match might count too but the Royal Rumble is way better so I am happy to let that slide.*zrrrrrrrrrrrrnn* you think you know me BADADADADADADADADADADA ON THIS DAAAAAAY Edge is in and he is a current tag team champion alongside Randy Orton in "Rated RKO" or something and he spears Flair right away but soon thereafter Ric Flair goes outside and grabs a couple of chairs but it is merely a tease as nobody gets hit with one and Edge eliminates Flair and then that Dyskstra fellow and now it is time for TOMMY DREAMER WHO IS STUPID AND SUCKS YEEEEEEEAAAHH LOOK AT HIS INCREDIBLY SHITTY BODY AND KITTEN-TOUGH STRIKES AND NO MOVES. I get that he is supposed to be an everyman but literally *every man* is better than Tommy Dreamer at literally everything so fuck him he sucks. Here comes SABU who like Tommy Dreamer is an ECW guy but who unlike Tommy Dreamer *is so awesome* and he sets up a table just outside the ring right away. We are told that he is homicidal and genocidal and suicidal and I honestly have never understood why they went with "genocidal" and not because I am of the view that genocide is inappropriate in almost every circumstance I can think of (though that is truly my deeply held belief) but because it doesn't make all that much sense like which ethnic groups in particular should be worried about Sabu exactly? It has never been clear to me but I didn't watch ECW TV so idk maybe it was addressed at some point and I just don't know about it. 


Gregory Helms who has apparently held the Cruiserweight Championship that he won at the previous Royal Rumble for the entire year is in next and one wonders if he has held that title so long because nobody could be bothered with the Cruiserweight division just like "uh no it's cool Helms you 'go over' again tonight it is fine." And now Shelton Benjamin. There have been a lot of teases of dudes going out and through that table but it hasn't happened yet. Maybe Sabu will just like dive through it or something. In at number ten it is *BOOOOOOM FLAAAAAAAAAAME* Kane and he "tilt-a-whirl" powerslams Helms and chokeslams Edge and tosses Tommy Dreamer which is cool because fuck you Tommy Dreamer and lololol yeah ok Kane just chokeslammed Sabu from the apron to the table and that's about right. CM PUNK YEAH he is looking to make his mark in this his first Royal Rumble and JBL thinks that because Punk neither drinks nor does drugs he is boring but I mean I am like that too and I am maybe the most interesting guy ever so take that with a grain of salt basically. This is not a groundbreaking view that I am sharing with you or anything but CM Punk is awesome and I like the rest of you no doubt have been of this view since the days when I followed him on livejournal remember livejournal me neither and his ascendance represents the triumph of the indie Fire Pro ethic and aesthetic over all lesser pretend fighting ethics and aesthetics in my view (this is *not quite* to be confused with the rampant and indeed at times excessive suplexery that marked a slightly earlier era). Also to the extent that his current persona is bounded by irony and nostalgia he is in effect professional wrestling's first true hipster. Anyway more on CM Punk later probably or at least in future Royal Rumbles but for now I will just say that I ordered one of his shirts yeah that's right and you know what else *it arrived.* KING BOOKER is in and he eliminates Gregory Helms and then it is SUPER CRAZY who has "joined the fray" and Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy is next and his abdominal region is too hurt from earlier action tonight to do his goofy little pelvic thrusting thing which is disappointing to the girlies who like to go *eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee* and note that I am not disparaging them for liking to do that. The Hardys do a bunch of tag team moves on guys.


In next is the Sandman and he enters from the crowd because he is one of us I guess and he hits a few guys with his cane and then Booker who is definitely having his best Royal Rumble to date tosses him out unceremoniously and now it is Randy Orton who is in and he and Edge are tag team champions I remind you. They "waste no time" in eliminating Super Crazy which is too bad because we are all fond of Super Crazy and lol the crowd is like *AAAAAAAAAAAAH boooooooooooooooooo* when that happens. Edge and Orton eliminate both Hardys next and the girlies are like *nooooooooo.* It's just Benjamin, Orton, Edge, Punk, Booker, Finlay, and Kane in there as lol the United States Champion Chris Benoit enters what I believe will be his final Royal Rumble and he is totally running amok in there but lol not like he's going to. He gets like five German suplexes in on various dudes and others he merely chops. Try to imagine if you will just how weird Benoit would have looked in just like regular trunks. RRRRRRRR VVVVVVVVVV DDDDDDDDDDD is next and he is the only man to ever hold the ECW and WWE Championships at the same time lol remember that? He is totally loved by all and deservedly so. Kane just tossed King Booker which is too bad but oh hey in a show of poor sportsmanship unbefitting royalty Booker reenters the ring and clotheslines Kane over the top rope and they are counting that so really it was just that one time with Shawn Michaels where they were like "no no no doesn't count we're still good." Sexy Viscera is in next in a shimmery white ensemble that is not slimming but is quite fresh. 


We are all the way up to number twenty and it is Johnny Nitro who I like to call "John Morrison" and he is pretty good and he has wicked abs bro and my man Matt at judo one time was like "hey you know who is good on wrestling? John Morrison" and I was like "oh yeah why is that?" and he was like "he does cool lifts and stuff." Matt's a good guy but he's not out much any more. And here is Kevin Thorn who I guess is a vampire and at this risk of being no fun I am going to say that I don't like vampires in wrestling very much. They show a replay of Shelton Benjamin's near elimination of a moment ago in which he was dangling such that it wasn't even his feet that were the issue but instead his *knees* and now it is Bob Holly who is still awful. Punk and Benoit have paired off in the corner and if I am not mistaken Punk was going to wrestle Chris Benoit in the match that did not occur because of Benoit's *future endeavouring* of those nearest him right? Hey so if I did not like Degeneration-X the first time around guess how much I liked its return that's right *not at all* and here is a dude who is fifty and balding and crippled basically and he is like YOU THINK YOU CAN TELL US WHAT TO WEAR? BREAK IT DOWN but whatever basically because Shawn Michaels has always been really good *except* right there where he messed up eliminating Finlay a little and it looked shitty. The hometown hero HBK superkicks Viscera and then a bunch of dudes pushed Big Daddy V out just as HBK backdropped Benjamin up and over. Chris Masters is in at number twenty-four and JBL characterizes him as having a million-dollar body and a nickel brain and OH HEY John Morrison was on the top turnbuckle for a sec and Benoit lept at him sent him tumbling out. Sorry Matt :(


*ooooooo CHAVO* is a great way to start some theme music isn't it and OK Benoit just got rid of the vampire guy Kevin Thorn or whatever and man there are not that many more dudes to come! Five more! Could totally be some cool guys! Montel Vontavious Porter most definitely qualifies as "a cool guy" in my view and it is crazy how he got sentenced to like a *ton* of years despite being sixteen when he got up to those admittedly fairly adult shenanigans such as armed robbery and kidnapping or whatever it was that I was shocked to learn when I went to his wikipedia page a while ago. His Wrestlemania entrance with the cheerleaders is among the best ever btw. RVD eliminates Chris Masters with a pretty wussy dropkick but idk the man can just do no wrong in my eyes so I applaud him here as always. Yeah we are two for two as far as cool guys go because next out it is Carlito. Hmmm not sure if The Great Khali breaks the streak or not because while he is hard to watch he did legitimately kill a man whilst learning how to playfight which is tragic and horrible but possibly also kind of cool? Everything he does looks incredibly shitty and he's got the *weirdest* boobs but everyone is bouncing around for him and that's fine because he's huge and there goes Holly at his giant hands and the Miz comes in and he's gone too and lol OK Khali is on a bit of a tear here as there goes RVD and Punk and Carlito and Chavo and I approve of this turn of events *wholeheartedly.* Khali wrestled at a "house show" that I attended at the historic Halifax Forum in the fall and lol he did not carry a lot of the action in that particular tag team contest but it was neat to see him because he was huge! 


YEEEEAH IN AT NUMBER THIRTY IS THE FUCKIN UNDERTAKER AND HE USUALLY SUCKS AT THE ROYAL RUMBLE BUT PERHAPS NOT THIS TIME and everyone else is just laying around while the Undertaker and Khali go at it and yeah OK cool it is a clothesline elimination of THE GREAT KHALI however kind of to my surprise I think Undertaker gets booed a little bit as he "goes old school" on MVP who he subsequently eliminates but LOOK OUT UNDERTAKER MVP HAS FED ORTON A CHAIR and lol yeah Orton laid the Undertaker out pretty good. AH HA we have some dissension in team Rated RKO as Edge *may* have plausibly been lining up the Undertaker for a spear but RKO interpreted the situation differently and believed Edge to be plotting against him! They put these differences aside however and after Orton RKOs Shawn Michaels your tag team champions go at the Undertaker *ensemble* and this is a pretty cool final four and woooaahhh that is a pretty good "blade job" from the Undertaker coming off that "chair shot" and OK cool the Undertaker had Orton all set for a chokeslam but Edge was like SPEAR and this is really very good right now. 


Is a "concerto" taking shape? It would certainly appear that way however ZOMG IT IS HBK and he backdrops Orton out and superkicks Edge and now Michaels and the Undertaker are both laid out in the middle of the ring and I would imagine what they are going to do here is lol yeah the Undertaker sits up and HBK kips up soon thereafter and that was pretty cool! It has been *some* time has it not since we have seen the Undertaker and Shawn Michaels do things? Yes I believe it has. Shawn Michaels looks really good taking these big flippy bumps in the corner and OK the Undertaker misses a BIG BOOT to the corner and he is out and on the apron and oh OK they are both back in lol I thought that was going to be it; I have been *worked.* A later big boot very much finds its mark and one wonders if maybe *that* is pretty much it as JBL points out that Michaels has season tickets IN THIS VERY BUILDING to watch the Spurs and I bet they're good seats! Now they are both in like a superplex position for a while and you think OK perhaps THIS is it BUT IT IS NOT and will we get a top-rope elbow second *only* to the Macho Man's as the raddest of top-rope elbows YUSSSSSSSS WE DOOOOOOO and everybody is on their feet as Shawn Michaels *tunes up the band* BUT NOOOOO IT IS A CHOKESLAM INDEED A CHOKESLAM "FROM THE HEAVENS" AS MICHAEL COLE SAYS and the Undertaker has just made the throat-slashing gesture that gets athletes in lesser sports fined OOOOOOHHHHHHH SWEET CHIN MUSIC this is rad. The Undertaker fights his feet along the ropes as Shawn Michaels lines him up for a second superkick and "shades" of 1996 but the woozy Undertaker ducks and and just lifts him out like *boop* and that was AWESOME AT THE END GUYS *AWESOME.* Also earlier John Cena and Umaga did well.


ps undertaker shirts *are* awesome alice glass of crystal castles you bet