Tuesday, 31 January 2012


OK SO HERE IS THE DEAL WITH THE 2005 ROYAL RUMBLE LIVE FROM FRESNO and that is that it is totally conceivable that I saw this one but maybe I didn't. At this time I was often watching Monday Night Raw and also a bunch of World Wrestling Entertainment Pay Per VIew Extravaganzas at a bar on College Street a little east of Spadina and so mere blocks away from College and Clinton which has been heralded/denounced as one of about a half dozen geographic spaces in North America that gave rise in a real way to the 1999-2003 (which is to say phase one) postmodern hipster and I don't remember if I went to see this one or not. Not only did I not have pay per view ordering capacity at this time in my life but I did not in fact have cable television which in the Canadian context means that I only got like three channels and while in my youth this would have been a sufficient number of channels to allow the viewing of wrestling this was not at all the case in 2005 and so O'Grady's it was for wrestling nights hosted by John Pollock and Jason Agnew and Dan Lovranski who you may internet-wrestling-know as the gentlemen behind THE LAW LIVE AUDIO WRESTLING and it was a motley fuckin crew that showed up to these nights at O'Grady's let me tell you but obviously I was among their number so I am not about to front on them in a way that would demean us all but mostly me. In any event I definitely don't remember who wins even if I did indeed see it and although I am well aware that this event puts us on the road to Wrestlemania XXI and I am *certain* I watched that one at O'Grady's I am just as certain that I don't remember what the main event was so I am going into this one a pure and chaste young girl of a man watching deviants hug competitively.

Our opening contest is well it is "contested" frankly between "The Heart Break Kid" Shawn Michaels who is by this time afflicted by both male pattern baldness and also by having sort of a lousy body but he is pretty old so it's ok and now coming down the aisle zzzzzrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn *you think you know me* BADADADADADADADADADADA OOOON THIS DAAY from Toronto Ontario Canada it is without question EDGE as Howard Finkel man he is still out there and I would have told you he retired in like 2000. As you would expect, these two proceed to have not just A Good Match but in fact A Very Good Match Indeed to the extent that like if this was the title match main event of a pay per view you'd have been like "yeah that one delivered." There were all kinds of good bits on the outside including a SPEAR while HBK's attention was briefly not where it should have been and back in the ring there were a bunch of FINISHER attempts that got countered in pretty cool ways like when Edge applied an *electric chair* out of superkick and stuff like that before Edge ended up grabbing a handful of tights and pretty much every inch of rope in the entire ring for the finish. All of that was really very good but what really struck me during this match was a couple of somewhat peripheral things and they are: (i) I think Mike Chioda is the best pro wres referee I have seen and I am not sure I would be able to enumerate the reasons why exactly but I am pretty sure it is true and (ii) few probably doubt this but Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are so awesome man just *so awesome* and they are without question the announcers foremost in my heart and mind and well not body but everywhere else. 

We are backstage with Bischoff and Teddy Long and Torrie and Christy Hemme and I am reminded that I think I watched every Monday Night Raw during that whole Diva search fiasco with like "MY BUTT IS HUNGRYYYY" and all that stuff jesus christ I had completely forgotten about that and now it's back. Ric Flair and Eddie Guerrero are there to draw their numbers and Flair is pleased with his draw and Eddie less so with his but then Eddie goes in for the hug of wellwishery and lol he switches the numbers man you have got to watch that Eddie Guerrero and Ric Flair is pretty funny here so I am going to give this backstage segment my unreserved approval. The next backstage thing is between Snitsky and Heidenreich and lol ok yeah I think I *have* seen this before because it is familiar to me here and oh yeah also *it is insane*: 


The Phil Collins song is not in the original but if anything it softens the madness of it. Snitsky I think is remembered quite fondly by many of us is he not? I associate Snitsky with baby punting on the one hand and Eugene on the other not that I am sure he ever actually did anything with Eugene other than be on Raw at roughly the same time. Wait is Heidenreich supposed to be a Nazi or something? If so they should have been way less subtle with it imo and gone pretty much full Killer Karl Krup.


Anyway yeah Heidenreich's aversion to caskets is not unlike my own aversion to casket matches so I can appreciate his position here. The casket is walked to the ring amid chanting by four cloaked dudes referred to as druids and I hate it. Michael Cole suggest that there will be no poetry here Tazz just violence or something. We're back to spoooooooky Undertaker after several years of DEAD MAN WALKIN' *BONG* KEEEEEP ROLLIN ROLLIN ROLLIN Undertaker and I don't know man I just don't know. I will let you know if anything really awesome happens here but I have my doubts. Well OK this is cool: the Undertaker is entering his *shoot* period here so he is triangle choking dude in the corner atop the ropes and then on the ground and it's actually neat if like *incredibly* lose but that's the problem when you do moves that are legit I guess: if you make them look *really* real a dude would be out and that would not be good for business and now SNITSKY IS IN HE'S FROM RAW WHAT IS HE DOING HERE THIS IS A SMACKDOWN ISSUE but then Kane pops out of the casket HE IS SNITSKY'S ENEMY and this sucks *a lot* right now. After a bunch of fucking around Heidenreich drives the casket into the Undertaker in a way that is kind of cool and then he applies a version of the *Cobra Clutch* or *Million Dollar Dream* but fuckin casket matches man they're just stupid it is like NOOOO HERE IS AN ARM STICKING OUT OF THE CASKET HE IS NOT DONE YET although you know what here's a good one: with Heidenreich half in the casket the Undertaker does a leg drop from the apron to the casket lid and I am not so desirous of being right about casket matches that I am going to pretend that that wasn't pretty rad. Chokeslam; tombstone; that's it. Look this was fine and for a casket match pretty good in fact but I just don't think they should ever have them ever not even once not ever.

Backstage again Teddy Long is like hey Eddie Guerrero I know you took Flair's number and then Flair and *Trips* and BIG DAVE come in and Triple H is like GIVE IT UP JUMPIN' BEAN and lol Triple H is in a cutoff tshirt and shorts and he probably thinks he looks like He-Man but he looks more like Prince Adam to me right here *burn* and there is also unrest in the Evolution camp as Big Dave and his sick vasculature bro is a little bit at odds with Triple H for some reason. Christian is going to draw his number and so is Cena with his "RUCK FULES" shirt and lol Christian is going to rap ok he gets a beat from Tomko lol no he doesn't but he goes MY NAME IS CHRISTIAN THE KING OF CRUNK / I'LL TAKE YA TO SCHOOL CENA AND YOU'RE GONNA FLUNK / I'M CAPTAIN CHARISMA / I'M . . . uh . . . CAPTAIN CHARISMA READ 'EM AND WEAPS / I'M GONNA THROW YOU OUT FOR ALL OF MY PEEPS / AND JUST LIKE DRACULA COMES FROM TRANSYLVANIA / I'M WINNING THE RUMBLE AND GOING ON TO WRESTLEMANIA which is reasonably tight and then Cena implies that Christian is a homosexual which Cena thinks makes him less of a person I guess which says more about him than it does Christian imo. 

Kurt Angle and his increasingly fucked up looking body makes his way to the ring to face the Big Show and JBL in a *Triple Threat Match* for the World Wrestling Federation Championship and this might be alright maybe right? What a weird thing it was when wrestling just came on TV one night and all of a sudden Bradshaw was part of the 1% and a main-event *heel* instead of a big guy who played cards with Ron Simmons. I think a warm-up jacket with a towel around the neck plus trunks should pretty much be the default gear that dudes wear down to the ring so I respect JBL for that decision that he has made and also his lariatooooo owns and makes me think of Wolf from Virtua Fighter who I used almost exclusively until they put in a judo guy in Virtua Figher 4: Evolution which is the best. I should point out that we have reached a time and place in professional wrestling history where pretty much *every* chop is met with a resounding WOOOOOOOOO and near falls a TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and I am fine with the former but the latter I am actually nuts about, like I *love* going TWOOOOOOOOOO. This match is pretty much a "wild brawl" and is largely contested on the outside. The Big Show was about to choke slam JBL from the ring steps (which had been placed adjacent to the announce table) through the announce table that I mentioned parenthetically a moment ago but Kurt Angle hit him with a pretty serious low blow and then with a television monitor actually and that sent him crashing through the table freeing JBL and Angle up to wrestle in the ring for a bit and before you know it we've got some German suplexes and I am told by Tazz and Michael Cole that Angle hit JBL with eight consecutive German suplexes in a match on the previous episode of Smackdown(!) and yeah I have not seen that or anything so I don't know this but it sounds excessive to me. 

The Big Show is back in and he's slamming dudes first to the mat and then on top of each other and then into the corner and double clothesline and stuff and now Big Show has followed Angle's lead in ridding himself of his cumbersome singlet strap and thus symbolically ridding himself of all constraint but it is Angle who hits the "Angle Slam" on Big Show however JBL kicks *him* in the face but is himself then chokeslammed and lol Tazz really does say "goozle" at every opportunity doesn't he aaaaaaaaaaaaahahaha cool OK so on the outside JBL was leaning against the barricade and the Big Show just kind of tackles him and they break through the almost certainly *gimmicked* barricade and I like stuff like that. EMTs and chief of staff Orlando Jordan are out to attend to JBL as Angle's introduction of a steel chair into the proceedings immediately works against him but Mark Jindrack and Luther Reigns assail the Big Show so wait what is going on here OK Orlando Jordan who I believe is a *shoot* homosexual (also whatever happened to that guy) rolls the barely coherent JBL back into the ring and he is like LARIATOOOOOOOO on Angle and that's that. Pretty good garbage match with all kinds of crazy bullshit!   

And now BIG DAVE is backstage and he runs into Carlito who I always thought was neat with the apple thing honestly and he is asking Batista to sign a petition to remove Theodore Long as Smackdown General Manager or something and then we walk in on Long and Bischoff being all boastful about the relative merits of their own "brand" and it seems awfully dumb however we do learn that Evolution has been banned from ringside for the upcoming WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP bout in which Triple H defends his title against Randy Orton who had been in Evolution you will recall but then after he defeated Chris Benoit at The Summerslam 2004 which is of course once again totally the The Summerslam that I attended and then the next night Triple H was like *thumbs down to you bro* and then of course extensive feuding and here we are! This should be a good match because both of these guys are good imo.

HEY nothing you can SAY something something GONNA TAKE WHAT'S MIIIIIIIIINE as it is Randall K. Orton to whom I believe Bret "Hitman" Hart recently referred in a *shoot* context as "one of the great technical wrestlers" or words to that effect and TIIIIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAAME it is Triple H yeeeeeeeah let's have a match for THE BIG GOLD BELT refereed by Earl Hebner who is still really hard to understand when he talks except I guess when he's counting which is pretty clear and that's the most important part for him in fairness. Really good pace to start the match and lol Orton went for the RKO maybe forty-five seconds into the match and Triple H bailed to the outside in completely understandable fear of that *finishing* technique that might well be described as "quicker than a hiccup" were any of us folksy Oklahomans of the highest calibre. Hey so when you drop a guy face first on the top turnbuckle have we all just decided to call that move "snake eyes" forever HOOOOOOLY COW lol OK Orton went for the RKO and Triple H just like pushed him over the top rope like *boop* and Orton lands hard on the floor; that was awesome. Lawler is like "that is why they call that man 'The Cerebral Assassin'" however in truth nobody calls him that. You only get so many names bro and that is one name too many imo. A small but determined "Randy Sucks" chant gets going just as Orton's little comeback is *cutoff* with a chop-block to a left leg damaged in an assault from like a week ago or something and also taped to signify that. IF Randy Orton *had* an advantage in quickness and speed *IF* he had that it is now gone Jim Ross says.

The inevitable (and I do not mean that in a bad way) figure four attempt is first met with a "small package" that Triple H escapes only to yeah OK only to successfully apply that estimable leglock and I bet if I were to really think about the best pretend submission holds the figure four would be *very* near the top of that list right up there with the Sharpshooter and the Million Dollar Dream and the good ol' Sleeper and other excellent submission holds that I enjoy a lot. Orton of course reverses the hold eventually which is really the best way to go about escaping and things start to look up for him especially when he hits that cool neckbreaker thing where he drops to his knee and the dude is like OOOOF off Orton's back you know that I'm talking about and the crowd is a little bit like BOOOOOOOO as he gets going which leads me to believe Orton was not quite as *over* as a *baby face* as might have been hoped for him at this time. Or perhaps the people of Fresno are simply being willfully perverse like the crowds of Montreal and Toronto and Philadelphia and actually I heard some comments from Phil Brooks who perhaps you know better as World Wrestling Entertainer "CM Punk" again in a *shoot* context and he was talking about how those three cities in particular are intentionally perverse and preposterous in their reactions to things and it got me thinking about how it was odd that there has never been a Royal Rumble in either Montreal or Toronto and I was like is that purely by chance or would that not be a good idea because it could totally fuck up your plans on the "The Road to Wrestlemania" to have the crowd like take an enormous shit on a dude at the end of a Royal Rumble when you kind of need otherwise? That is probably overthinking things *tremendously* and misguidedly on my part and just a couple Royal Rumbles ago they did Philadelphia so that is not a theory that I am even going to properly advance to you here let alone stand behind.  

This match continues to be totally fine as Randy Orton comes of the top with a cross body SHADES OF RICKY THE DRAGON STEAMBOAT is *right* JR but then it is Triple H with his cool facebuster and a Pedigree attempt that is countered into a catapult into the corner and an RKO attempt that is avoided and then it is Triple H with "a high Harley Race knee" which are words I like to hear and call to mind something else CM Punk said in this thing I was listening to in which he asked who among the all-time greats he would have most liked to wrestle and without missing a beat Punk was like "surly 1974 Harley Race" which is the correct answer and yeah that's right Leo Burke took him to a sixty minute draw at the Halifax Forum so what do you think about that. Triple H is like PEDIGREES but Orton is like NO, CLOTHESLINES and this is all pretty good and a little bit later Triple H is feigning outness a little but he manages to hook the top rope as Orton attempts a DDT and I think they are playing on a glassy-eyed concussion thing with Orton now as he has smacked his head off the canvas and boy his mouth is busted up pretty good after that "high Harley Race knee." Here comes the *ref bump* and one would expect some pretty good shenanigans here unless of course Triple H goes for yep he did he's got the sledgehammer and look I'm not going to do a whole entire thing every time the stupid fuckin sledgehammer comes out but what I will do instead is just say that I do not care for it. Triple H of course attempts to strike Orton with the sledgehammer on the outside but Orton who is still acting a though he has been hell of concussed pulls Triple H forward into the ring post and Triple H rolls around on the ground grabbing his forehead a lot so I am kind of expecting a pretty cool *blade job* however it is not yet in evidence so hmmm I guess not however he DID bury Orton with a really cool clothesline and then he picks him up as though he were a sack of potatoes and "Pedigrees" him and that's that. A pretty good match. You'll definitely see both guys have better ones but this was good.

Nunzio has his number for the Royal Rumble but Kurt Angle steals it from him in an act of bullying; JBL and his associates are pleased that he has emerged victorious from the triple threat match earlier in the evening however he is not thrilled to hear that he will have to defend his title against the Big Show in a barbed-wire steel cage for some reason; and NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE ROYAL RUMBLE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN YEEEEAAAH and in at number one is Eddie Guerrero participating in his final Royal Rumble before his growth-hormone-enlarged heart exploded while he was brushing his teeth and Chavo found him :( and in at number two lol it is Chris Benoit and what can you do but lol man what can you even do but lol at this situation that opens your 2005 Royal Rumble. I wonder if they will "tear it up" in there for these first two minutes or ninety seconds or whatever it is exactly that we're doing tonight (why do they not just say?). Yeah so both of these guys are pretty good at wrestling as we see some nice basic exchanges of holds and what not but they all just look really good and OK these are ninety-second intervals we are looking at and also I will note that they are still displaying the number of each entrant which I have mixed feelings about. Daniel Puder is out next and remember when he hooked up a *shoot* *ude garami* or "entangled arm lock" or "double wrist lock" or *Kimura* that he probably wouldn't have been able to finish from half-guard anyway against Kurt Angle on television and then the internet was like ZOMG and I am not disparaging that reaction because it was mine as well? Well Guerrero and Benoit are chopping the shit out of this dude in the corner right now and this is sort of weird because I totally remember that happening which I mean between that and the Heidenreich/Snitsky thing earlier it suggests that I have indeed seen this whole thing before but I guess it just didn't leave that much of an impression and lol that was a pretty high-angle backdrop on Puder there Chris Benoit and now Hardcore Holly is in and he is just chopping the heck out of him. OK now all three of Holly, Benoit, and Guerrero are taking turns chopping him and lol Eddie is holding a cupped hand to his ear while the other two are chopping and this is kind of a hell of a thing. Puder is Alabama Slammed and tossed just as the Hurricane comes out and oh OK Eddie and Benoit just dumped Holly too. Eddie and Benoit seem to have formed a temporary alliance OR HAVE THEY as Eddie sneakily tries to get rid of Benoit but fails and there goes the Hurricane so I guess this is going to be Eddie v. Benoit with some other dudes coming in every now and then and that's probably OK.

Kenzo Suzuki enters the match at number six and he wasn't any good at all was he? Also 2005 seems a little late for a guy's whole gimmick to be "this is a Japanese guy" but what do I know about selling tickets to professional wrestling contests? Literally nothing. *zrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn* you think you know me DADADADADADADADADADADA ON THIS DAAAAAAY it is Edge and he is going hard at Eddie and lol Eddie hugs the bottom rope in an amusing fashion. WHO IS THAT JUMPING OUT THE SKY (sic) it is of course Rey Mysterio Jr. and he gets a ton of *moves* in on everybody and he head-scissors Suzuki right out. Tazz and JR are on commentary I should tell you and I should also tell you that it is dumb how Tazz is like "I am proud this guy is exclusively on Smackdown" and OK maybe it is not dumb but I don't like it. Shelton Benjamin is the next to enter and JR unsurprisingly describes him as the best pure athlete in the WWE but lol wtf Mysterio just chop blocked Shelton Benjamin and JR is like wtf and kids are like why Rey why? Booker T is out next and I continue to like him a lot. Did you know he owns or perhaps owned a successful clothing store in the Houston area? Eric Bischoff comes to ringside and I don't care. Benoit had Eddie in a Boston Crab but Mysterio like springboarded off the ropes of him which was cool. BREAK THE WALLS DOOOOOOOOOOWN and Jericho brings some much needed energy to the proceedings because nothing here has been bad or anything but it has in truth been maybe a little flat just like a *little* flat so far. Teddy Long just came out in case you were wondering. 

Luther Reigns is sure to make everything extremely cool almost right away. Well actually things *do* get pretty cool for a minute right after that when the guys kind of line up as Raw dudes on one side and Smackdown(!) on the other and then they go at it and that was neat for a sec but this does not make the annoying thing that Tazz keeps doing. Here is Mohammad Hassan and I recall hearing from a guy who speaks Farsi that Davari or whatever Hassan's hype man was called really said all kinds of genuinely filthy shit whenever he was on *the stick* which was good news. OK so while the match had divided briefly along Raw v. Smackdown lines everyone is united in despising the Arab other even if lol he is actually an Italian dude and so they band together and he is gone in like a second. Scotty 2 Hotty comes out but a bitter and vengeful Hassan assaults him hideously on the outside showing neither sportsmanship nor class and boy the ring is pretty full right now so it must be time for KAAAAAAANE or something.

I am incorrect as it is Charlie Haas! A quick trip to wikipedia to check if that putative Arab with the Persian manager was in fact Italian (yes) reminds me about the London Bombings situation with the Hassan character and lol you might also want to remind yourself of that too if it had somehow fallen from from your consciousness at it had mine. Booker T clotheslines out first Luther Reigns and then Orlando Jordan but after a *spinnerooni* (sp?) Eddie pulls the ropes down and *woop.* Tazz seriously will not stop enumerating Smackdown(!) guys and it is fucking *tiresome.* YESSSSS RENE DUPREE WITH A POODLE NAMED FIFI YEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHH and man this dude is *yoked* and would not have thrived (nor thriven) in the Wellness Program era that was soon to unfold would he. Shelton Benjamin leaps to the top rope impressively but Edge pushes him out and JR is like "his athleticism came back to bite him" and he is speaking in racialist code imo. lol oh hey I had *totally* forgotten about THE SIMON SYSTEM and here is that guy doing that thing lol. Eddie and Rey did a bunch of cool things but right in the middle of it Edge comes over and tosses Eddie out and then does a little "Latino Heat" dance and it is great! Simon on the outside is doing divebomber pushups.

Shawn Michaels is in and lol Simon Dean is out and Michaels does a couple of "Hindu" squats afterwards in celebration. Eddie Guerrero is met with a really solid "EDDIE EDDIE" chant as he leaves which is nice because he would be dead soon :( . Fuck man Charlie Haas is bad at being at Royal Rumbles: for the second year in a row his elimination looks *so shitty* like among the shittiest looking eliminations ever. Kurt Angle is in and he suplexes everybody *except* Shawn Michaels who is like superkick --> ankle lock counter --> escape --> SUPERKICK ELIMINATION YEEEEAAH 

Tazz I like you usually but you have to stop talking about which guys are on Smackdown seriously you have to you really really have to. Jonathan Coachman is in at number twenty-one and his approach is to strike Benoit from behind  and then cower in the corner. Jericho might be out from a Mysterio headscissors but nooooo he is still in there lol hey got me! Mark Jindrak is in now and hey what is Kurt Angle doing back in there oh OK he is back to toss Shawn Michaels out and astute observers will recall that his exact thing happened in one of the Royal Rumbles Shawn Michaels won but they were like DOES NOT COUNT DOES NOT COUNT which is also fine and again all I ask for is clarity. Anyway he tosses HBK into the ring steps and Michaels *blades* pretty awesomeonly and he is then ankle locked before World Wrestling Entertainment Officials can restore order. VISCERA is in next and look I am not here to tell you that this is the best Royal Rumble by any stretch of the imagination or even a particularly good one but it's OK. Jim Ross acknowledges that Viscera might not possess the most refined catch-as-catch-can skills but suggest that that deficiency may not hinder him in this context and I am inclined to agree. Paul London! I totally forgot about this guy! He was pretty good! RENE DUPREE HOWEVER IS BETTER AND NOW HE IS FRENCH TICKLING oh no Jericho has eliminated him mid-tickle. 

JOHN CENA and wait does maybe Cena win and then *challenge* JBL for the title at Wrestlemania and he wins and he dives into the crowd and it should be a pretty cool moment but it falls kind of flat for whatever reason? That'd be OK because if that is what happens here because I have no problem with John Cena and he has just eliminated Viscera aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand here comes SNITSKY who is not without his goofy charm that is for sure and Paul London is like IT IS A SLEEPER HOLD FOR YOU but Snitsky shucks London off to the apron and AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHH I had totally forgotten Paul London's *shooting star press* clothesline sell from the apron but that is one of the best eliminations in Royal Rumble history *without question* just a sec just a sec I am going to back that up and watch it again lol ok yeah it if anything that got *more* awesome when I watched it again that MUST be on youtube let me see let me see OK yeah here you go:


Once again fuckin Tazz is like WHO IS NEXT IT BETTER BE A SMACKDOWN GUY fuckin hell man come on and it is KANE who does not enjoy SNITSKY and actually such is the *intensity* of that particular feud at this time that everybody else just kind of lays around while they go at it for a sec and then it is chokeslams for pretty much everybody and then Kane gets rid of Jindrak. I remember an old story from when I used to read Meltzer where apparently there was this meeting where management was like "well boyos house show business is way down right now as you no" and Snitsky was like "what are you talking about we just sold out Wrestlemania in like a day" and everybody was like smdh. Pretty cool pump-handle slam on Kane, though, Snitsky! AND IT IS THE ANIMAL BATISTA and even though he is aligned with the villainous Evolution he is cheered here and he quickly clotheslines Snitsky over the top and the chants of BA-TIS-TA only grow as he BATISTABOMBs Kane and then presses Jericho out. In at twenty-nine is the great yeah *the great* Christian and he is accompanied by his mainest man Tyson Tomko. HEY COOL John Cena just F-U'd Kane up and over for a pretty cool elimination and now Mysterio and Cena seem to be entering into an alliance but how long can it last I ask you? In at number thirty is "Nature Boy" Ric Flair in an awesome robe and he high fives BIG DAVE and feeds Coachman to him for a spinebuster and then Flair tosses "Coach" and then struts in a way that delights us all. Flair and Batista do the same spinebuster thing with Christian who Batista then presses up and out and over and yeeeeaaaah man things are picking up here! Benoit chops Flair a million times in the corner but Batista intercedes before long and JR rightly identifies that spinebuster as "a DIFFERENCE maker" and Batista fires Benoit out and Flair tries to sneakily do away with Batista who is like WTF NAITCH? and Naitch is like oh hey a mistake I'm sorry Big Dave but it is Edge who tosses Flair out not the somewhat miffed ANIMAL. 

AND SO YOUR FINAL FOUR consists of Batista, Cena, Edge, and Mysterio and it is a SPEAR on Batista and a SPEAR on Cena however Mysterio leapfrogs away and yeah yeah yeah 619 whatever and then he misses a springboard and eventually he is on the apron and Edge is like SPEAR to Mysterio on the apron and that was pretty cool! Batista and Edge double backdrop Edge out AND ONE OF THESE TWO MEN ARE GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA AND GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA TO HEADLINE WHO WILL IT BE and Cena is looking good let me tell you as he has Batista up in a fireman's carry BUT NO Batista fights out of it and wait a minute is this the one where AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH YEAH *IT IS* the one where a Batista bomb goes *horribly* awry and Cena and Batista both tumble out at the exact same time "and we've got a major malfunction at the junction" as JR says in a tribute to Ed Whalen of Stampede Wrestling obviously and everybody is just stalling because this ladies and gentleman in THE BIGGEST FUCK UP IN ROYAL RUMBLE HISTORY and here comes *shoot* pissed Vince McMahon who lolololol oh yeah he blows out his fuckin legs entering the ring in a rage and this is THE BEST Vince is just fucking sitting there because he is *way* too hurt to even fucking stand up right now and he is like WELL FUCKIN DO IT AGAIN AND DO IT RIGHT BECAUSE IT IS NOT ALL OF A SUDDEN A *SHOOT* ROYAL RUMBLE YOU FUCKING FOOLS and lol I LOVE THIS and anyway Batista and Cena awkwardly go like hell for about twenty seconds and Batista wins it and a Royal Rumble that had been merely OK up until the very end has reached previously unknown and fucking *towering* heights with that amazingly botched finish in which Vince McMahon ruins his body because he cannot believe this shit lol I am going to watch that again WON'T YOU JOIN ME?


oh christ that is good and hey so is the poster actually

in summation: lol

ps you have a cool batista t-shirt yo-llandi vi$$er of die antwoord


  1. omg to my shame and dismay I have misrepresented *both* Leo Burke and the Halifax Forum to you all as he did not in fact wrestle N.W.A. Champion Harley Race to a sixty-minute draw in the Halifax Forum but instead here are the details of his world title challenges and for this I thank the scholar who posts in the darkest corners of the wrestling internet as "fan70s":

    "Leo challenged at least five World Champions:

    1)Oct 28/1975 Halifax Form, Nova Scotia, Jack Brisco N. W. A. - best two out of three falls, Leo Burke wins the only fall off the match.

    2) 1976 Maritime circuit (one week tour),Terry Funk N. W. A.. - July 7 at Halifax Form, Funk gets disqualified. (I don't have the results from the other six matches, but Funk left with his belt!)

    3) July 13th 1978 Regina, AB Harley Race N. W. A.
    July 14th 1978 Calgary, AB Harley Race N. W. A.
    July 15th 1978 Edmonton, AB Harley Race N. W. A.

    4) April 22/83 Calgary, AB, Nick Bockwinkle A. W. A.- Leo Burke loses due to interference by David Schultz. (This match was shown as a flashback, by Stampede Wrestling in 1999 or 2000)

    5) July 3, 1984 Halifax Form, Nova Scotia, Rick Martel A. W. A. - best two out of three falls, Leo Burke wins the only fall off the match. As I recall, after the match, Dillon & Nagasaki entered the ring, Dillon had claimed he should have been the one getting the title shot, he and Nagasaki attacked Martel, and Burke went to Martel's aid."

    Again that is all lifted from "fan70s" to whom all praise and glory.

    Also let me say again that I love you and I am sorry.

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