Tuesday 31 January 2012

1988 ROYAL RUMBLE


IT BEGINS:


1988 ROYAL RUMBLE


Yeeeeaaaaahhhh welcome everyone to Copps Coliseum in Hamilton Ontario, a hockey rink built for a hockey team that never came even though there is every reason to think that the GTA could easily support at least one other hockey team because I mean you've got three in and around New York and you tell me where they like hockey more yeeeeaaaaaahhhhh! Also this building hosted the World Judo Championships in 1993 and I know but do not like a guy who at those very same championships drove Yasuhiro Yamashita around in a Cadillac yeeeeeaaaaah! We'll see the official signing of the Hulk Hogan/Andre the Giant rematch! The Jumping Bomb Angels will take on Jimmy Hart's Glamour Girls in a best two-of-three falls affair! The Islanders will address themselves to the Young Stallions! And of course the real reason we are gathered here together: the twenty-man over-the-top-rope Royal Rumble! 


But not so fast, Vince McMahon and Jesse "The Body" Ventura caution, because first it is Ravishing Rick Rude in a singles contest against Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, which is likely to own. Like MacMahon, I too thought we were going to see a scientific wrestling match here, but it certainly isn't starting out that way, with closed fists and a thumb to the eye from the aptly named Rude. There is much consideration of the physiques on display as the two comabatants enter into a test of strength, and Ventura quite soundly interprets Rude's success in this situation as evidence that his muscles are not merely cosmetic. Steamboat (whose legit last name is "Blood" iirc which is badass) soon overcomes this strength advantage through agility and finesse and flipping. McMahon admonishes Ventura for suggesting another well-placed thumb might serve Rude well, reminding his colleague that there are children in the viewing audience. As Steamboat works the arm and looks to the crowd for approval, it becomes clear that this match owns. "Come on, ref, get in there; all Rude knows is punching!" are the words of Vincent Kennedy McMahon as the tables turn once again. 


Jeeeeesus christ though Ricky Steamboat could drag an arm, though, couldn't he? This is well-trod territory, I know, but what trust could you have in my judgment if you thought that I  was not of this view? 


A lady in the front row with a baseball hat that has those hands on them that clap when you pull a string is also in possession of a megaphone, and I will be stunned if she is allowed to keep it for more than another ten minutes.


A non-chalant cover from Rick Rude and a kickout from "The Dragon" leads one to believe that Steamboat might soon be on the comeback trail but before you know it Rude applies a submission hold as McMahon calls the action: "Form of . . . a maneuver here. [long pause.] A camel clutch." Not long ago I was watching some wrestling from about a year ago and I noted that someone in the front had a sign that read "WHAT A MANEUVER" and I laughed and laughed because that signsman and I had a shared experience in our youths despite the many miles that separate us (I believe he was in Boston so that's not actually that many miles).


Attempting an aeiral maneuver before your opponent is finished off IS a recipe for disaster, that's inarguable, Ventura.


Rude and Steamboat enter into a back-and-forth exchange of probably a dozen pinning predicaments that kind of blows me away. Steamboat puts Rude down with a vertical suplex, and heads to the top rope, as the end seems near. However! Rude pulls referee Eearl Hebner in front of him! Steamboat and Hebner fall in a heap, and Rude seizes the moment, hoisting Steamboat overhead in a submission hold of some kind. The bell rings, Rude's sexy music plays, and MacMahon totally blows the finish by saying "Rude *thinks* he won!" The true and just decision goes to Steamboat by way of disqualification in a match that was, on the whole, pretty awesome.


Now we have a bit of diversion as Dino Bravo, who was killed by gangsters for smuggling cigarettes or something, accompanied by his manager Frenchy Martin who feudeed with Leo Burke to brilliant effect in a long summer of my boyhood, attempts to bench press 450 lbs with Jesse Ventura as his spotter, as he works towards establishing a new world's record. Martin will speak nothing but his native tongue to "Mean" Gene Okerlund, which riles the crowd to know end because suburban Anglophones from Ontario are utterly without culture. Bravo, who demands complete silence but does not receive it, is now up to 505  lbs, after 450 lbs has proven no challenge. Then 555 lbs. This is not good television. "Je suis certaine qu'il va le faire!" Frenchy Martin tells Okerlund as we are up to, I don't know, 655 lbs or whatever. "I'm not sure there are many people in the world who have lifted that much weight," Okerlund observes, to which Martin adds, "Il y a ne pas!" and everyone boos. Here we go, folks, 715 lbs, a world record attempt: and he walks off! Dino Bravo storms out, disguested by his shabby treatment at the hands of the assembled thousands! Oh wait he's back. And he tries. And he 
gets it most of the way back up. And Jesse helps him the rest of the way. And at least it's over. It was really nice to see Frenchy Martin, actually.


And now we have the women's tag titles on the line in a best two-out-of-three falls contest! The Glamour Girls, Judy Martin and Lelani Kai, are your champions, and are pretty old, older than one would expect, even. The Jumping Bomb Angels have awesome theme music and if I am remembering this right, they were rad in a Survivor Series one time. Neither Ventura nor McMahon are willing or able to even attempt the names of either Jumping Bomb Angel, referring to them instead by the colour of their tights. SUPLEXES! DOUBLE FIGURE FOUR LEG LOCKS! OCTOPUS HOLD! OCTOPUS HOLD! The Jumping Bomb Angels were probably the first indication of a fact that would later become crystal clear to me with the invention of first Fire Pro and subsequently the internet: Japanese wrestling is awesome, and even though we are now supposed to think that Memphis or whatever was better because we are all far too knowledgeable to like moves, it's not; *scientific wrestling* is better than closed fists which are in fact illegal; Jerry Lawler is stupid and Antonio Inoki is the best.


It occurs to me that this is referee Joey Marella and he will be dead soon.


Holy cow, Judy Martin just won the first fall by picking up one of the Jumping Bomb Angels in a power bomb position and then flinging her over her head such that the Angel struck the mat face first. What a maneuver! The Angels win the second fall soon thereafter on a botched sunset flip that nearly Hayabusa'd the lady performing it.


Jesse Ventura observes that, at times, the lady wrestlers seem more vicious than the men, and this is something I have definitely observed in a slightly differnet but certainly related grappling context, the judo tournament: teenage girls, in particular, bring a level of viciousness and sheer animal will to the sport that is unmatched by any other competitors at any other level. Ilias Iliadas, great beast of Greek judo, cannot match a fourteen year-old girl at a regional competition for sheer intensity. It is simply not within him.  


Top rope knee to the gut for a near fall! Double underhook suplex into a bridge for another! Guess which team is doing this stuff! Double top-rope dropkickS! ONE-TWO-THREEEEEEE! Awesome theme music! New champions! Jesse Ventura disputes the legality of the technique and as such the legitimacy of the win but it will stand not just today but for all time!         


Next, we're taken back to Wrestlemania III, where the near fall early in the Andre the Giant/Hulk Hogan main event is closely scrutanized: Ventura feels that referee Joey Marella's arm came down three times after Andre fell atop Hogan; McMahon is not inclined to agree. More recent developments are also discussed: the "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase's attempts to purchase the WWF Heavyweight Title, Hulk Hogan's refusal, and Andre the Giant's post-match beatdown of the champion as an agent of DiBiase after Hogun's Saturday Night's Main Event title defense. What is most striking in all of this is Andre's incredible jacket in much of this footage. It is this one (I guess he had it for a while):






I had forgotten that the championship belt that was so hotly contested at this time was not in fact the rad one with the eagle, but instead a lesser belt that *qua* belt never really seemed sufficient to motivate all the fuss. Jack Tunney is of course on hand for the contract signing, and I know that the whole deal with the Jack Tunney character was that he was a weak and ineffectual authority figure, but I don't like him: I find him a weak and ineffectual authority figure. Anyway, this is all pretty good by the admittedly fairly low standard of pro wrestling contract signings, mostly because Ted DiBiase is awesome when speaking and Andre the Giant is awesome when not. Hogan is wearing blue tie-dyed tights tucked into white cowboy boots, topped off by a white tank top and weight-lifting belt. Were this outfit worn by a girl on Street Boners, it would be tremendous. Andre turns the table over atop the champion and walks out of the ring like a boss.   


AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE TWENTY-MAN OVER-THE-TOP-ROPE ROYAL RUMBLE! Interestingly, Ventura notes that going over the top rope constitutes elimination, and he's very clear on this point: "it doesn't matter where your feet hit." Abandoning this rule, as they clearly did soon thereafter, was a bold step in the right direction. 


This, our first Royal Rumble match, begins with Bret Hart and Tito Santana in the ring, having drawn numbers one and two respectively, and I cannot help but find it fitting that the awesomest wrestler ever was also the very first to enter the ring for the awesomest kind of wrestling match ever. Do you agree with this assessment? Number three is Butch Reed, who I remember reading about in a wrestling magazine as a participant in an NWA Bunkhouse Battle Royal or something where everybody came to the ring in wacky gear (it seemed dumb, and I was like eight). Hart and Reed predictably team up against Santana, and things only get worse for the former Intercontinental Champion when Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart hits the ring at number four. Reed holds Santana steady across Neidhart's knee as Bret Hart delivers a Demolition-style elbow from the second rope! But as the three work away on Santana against the ropes, Jake "The Snake" Roberts hits the ring and is apparently a good guy at the moment so it is bad news for Butch Reed, who is dumped out immediately. Seconds after Bret Hart unleashes a rad jumping piledriver on Santana, Harley Race makes his way down the aisle and is no doubt thinking "that piledriver was pretty good *I guess*" and one's thoughts turn to how Leo Burke wrestled then-NWA champion Race to a sixty-minute draw at the Halifax Forum which is like four minutes from my house now. Bret Hart is bouncing all over the place selling for Jake, which is only right, as Jesse Ventura articulates what we have all felt every second of every Royal Rumble match ever: "You know, what a *concept* to this match. This is *really* interesting." That's it precisely.


The crowd erupts for "Jumpin'" Jim Brunzell in a way that seems pretty crazy considering it's "Jumpin'" Jim Brunzell. Bret Hart, who is nearly eliminated once again, is really the star of the show so far, and not just because he is always the star of the show as far as I am concerned (ps luv u Bret). Oh yeah it's Sam Houston! He's wearing a neckercheif! Neidhart takes a run at Houston but Houston ducks and Bret Hart is leveled! His very own tag-team partner! Man, whenever Jake Roberts isn't flat on his back, the crowd chants "DDT." The most feared move in all of wrestling? 


The Hart Foundation dumps Tito over the top just before heel referee "Dangerous" Danny Davis hits the ring. Roberts has Harley Race rocking between the second and middle ropes in a pretty dope comedy spot. Davis sprawls out of a DDT! This match is seriously awesome already, not just for wackiness or nostalgia; it's just an awesome wrestling match. 


Boris Zukoff! So we've got Hart, Neidhart, Race, Houston, Davis, Brunzell, Roberts, Zukoff. "You know what's amazing?" Ventura asks. "Bret Hart's still in there!" I agree. He is amazing. BACKBREAKER YEAH BRET DO IT!


There seems to be some confusion now as both Don "The Rock" Muraco and Nikolai Volkoff come down the aisle at the same time. Zukoff gets tossed by Roberts and Brunzell while Nikolai is told he is simply going to have to wait his turn. The action has slowed somewhat, but Ventura takes the opportunity to tell McMahon that he is sick of McMahon's barbs, which is a great thing to say. 


And that's it for Harley Race. Brunzell, working to justify the fans' enthusiasm for him, eliminates Harley Race, who refuses to leave the ringside area, risking fine and suspension. For about the millionth time, there is a shot of a fan in one of those purple Macho Man t-shirts with the sunglasses that all of us wanted but so few of us ever had. Race mixes it up with Jim Duggan as he makes his way to the ring. The people love this man, this "Hacksaw" of a man. I remind you that Busta Rhymes is like "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, at least to the extent that he has *been thuggin'*.   


"The Outlaw" Ron Bass enters, and Jim Brunzell exists: imagine, if you dare, being so low on the totem pole that you get tossed by Nikolai Volkoff. Had he held out only a moment longer, Brunzell would have been joined by his tag-team partner B. Brian Blair, and together they could have donned their special bee masks, and then fooled people. Again, Jake Roberts is on two feet, and so the crowd erupts: "DDT! DDT! DDT!" At this point I'm pretty jacked up to see one, too.  


Hillbilly Jim, "a mountain of a man," as McMahon says, is still in. He immediately eliminates Neidhart, which could spell trouble for Bret Hart, who is still out there as Dino Bravo, our seventeenth competitor, hits the ring. Ron Bass drops Sam Houston from high atop his shoulders to the floor, proving pretty definitively that bad cowboys are better than good cowboys, and we're really getting down to it here. Here comes the eighteenth man, the Ultimate Warrior, in what can only be seen as a sharp strategic use of a guy who everbody loved but who could only wrestle for like three minutes. This is no doubt the work of the great Pat Patterson, to whom this entire Royal Rumble concept is credited. Don Muraco tosses Bret Hart from the ring, and my interest is instantly halved, but this really is totally good; you should watch this.


The One Man Gang is up next, and he eliminates Blair and Jake. I got UWF wrestling for like three weeks when I was in the fourth grade, I think it was, and I think I saw "Dr. Death" Steve Williams defeat the seemingly unbeatable One Man Gang and it seemed gritty and real. Junkyard Dog is our twentieth and final contestant, and here we go: Duggan eliminates Volkoff; the Gang gets rid of Hillbilly Jim; Duggan clothelines the surprisingly resilient Davis over the top; and the Ultimate Warrior runs afoul of both Dino Bravo and the Gang *to his peril*. JYD is tossed by Ron Bass in just the shittiest way, it's horrible. Muraco clubs Ron Bass as though to punish him for having been so shitty at that. We're down to our final four, and the One Man Gang looks like the man to beat. The Gang clotheslines Muraco out of the ring, and Duggan finds himself facing a gang of, like, Dino Bravo plus a guy who is himself a gang, and so by any measure this is a pretty formidable gang at this point. Oh my! Duggan has moved out of the way and the One Man Gang has unwittingly eliminated Dino Bravo! Soon thereafter Duggan pulls the top rope down just as the Gang rushed towards him! The winner of this, the inaugural Royal Rumble is, as you probably have known for like two decades, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan!


And for some reason the show isn't over. I guess they had no way of knowing for sure that the Royal Rumble would be the absolute coolest thing ever until they actually did it? We've got Hulk Hogan ripping his shirt off (still cool to do btw) and talking about what is going to happen February 6th. (I can tell you what would happen February 9th: I would find out at school that Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant wrestled on TV Friday night and I missed it and nobody taped it.) I totally get that you get Hogan back out there, but the really strange thing is we've still got a best-of-three-falls match betwen the Islanders and the Young Stalions. I don't know about this. I listened to a Bad News Allen shoot interview a little while ago, though, where he was asked who the toughest guy was, and he answered that it was either Haku or, if not, then one of the other Pacific islanders (it was a bit of a leading question). Apparently the Islanders have recently mistreated the British Bulldog's British bulldog Matilda? That sounds like a dumb story, and this match is not compelling, mostly because it involves Paul Roma and Jim Powers; Haku and Tama are blameless. They win in two straight falls and carried the Stallions to a perfectly decent match but the only real intrigue came when Vince McMahon, looking at a camera shot of one of the Islander's bare feet, said that those feet were made for hanging upside down from trees, and Jesse Ventura said that he took exception to that obviously racist remark, and McMahon was like "uh . . . not at all!"

1 comment:

  1. omg to my shame and dismay I have misrepresented *both* Leo Burke and the Halifax Forum to you all as he did not in fact wrestle N.W.A. Champion Harley Race to a sixty-minute draw in the Halifax Forum but instead here are the details of his world title challenges and for this I thank the scholar who posts in the darkest corners of the wrestling internet as "fan70s":
    ----------

    "Leo challenged at least five World Champions:

    1)Oct 28/1975 Halifax Form, Nova Scotia, Jack Brisco N. W. A. - best two out of three falls, Leo Burke wins the only fall off the match.

    2) 1976 Maritime circuit (one week tour),Terry Funk N. W. A.. - July 7 at Halifax Form, Funk gets disqualified. (I don't have the results from the other six matches, but Funk left with his belt!)

    3) July 13th 1978 Regina, AB Harley Race N. W. A.
    July 14th 1978 Calgary, AB Harley Race N. W. A.
    July 15th 1978 Edmonton, AB Harley Race N. W. A.

    4) April 22/83 Calgary, AB, Nick Bockwinkle A. W. A.- Leo Burke loses due to interference by David Schultz. (This match was shown as a flashback, by Stampede Wrestling in 1999 or 2000)

    5) July 3, 1984 Halifax Form, Nova Scotia, Rick Martel A. W. A. - best two out of three falls, Leo Burke wins the only fall off the match. As I recall, after the match, Dillon & Nagasaki entered the ring, Dillon had claimed he should have been the one getting the title shot, he and Nagasaki attacked Martel, and Burke went to Martel's aid."
    ---------

    Again that is all lifted from "fan70s" to whom all praise and glory.

    Also let me say again that I love you and I am sorry.

    ReplyDelete