2008 ROYAL RUMBLE

SO THERE IS KIND OF A WEIRD DEAL WITH THE 2008 ROYAL RUMBLE FOR ME and it is that I only have the Royal Rumble match itself from that year and while I believe the other matches from that card are almost certainly available on youtube I am concerned that if I go searching around too much I will *spoiler* the Royal Rumble match for myself and I don't want to do that so I'll look for those matches afterwards but for right now IT IS TIME TO ROYAL RUMBLE YEEEEAAAAHHHH and Joey Styles has it right when he says that the Royal Rumble is "the only match in WWE that affords the ultimate opportunity to thirty WWE superstars in a single night" and yeah that is indeed much of its appeal! Tazz notes that the last seven winners of the Royal Rumble have gone on to win a title at Wrestlemania so in case you thought that this was not serious as hell you were mistaken and perhaps gravely so in my view.  


Holy shit they got Michael Buffer for this one making it a classy affair here at Madison Square Garden and one hopes he will say *damas y caballeros* but he does not but he DOES say LET'S GET READY TO RUMMMMMMMMMMMMBLE and I cannot believe how eerily cosmetically perfect his teeth are. Also you know how as we have discussed previously the entrance is always like *right* behind the ring at MSG as in ninety degrees off from the norm? Well they have made that a real strength here but putting incredibly rad lighting in that area and yeah man so far this is *pure class.* Once again, ninety second intervals will separate our competitors and the first of those competitors is last year's winner THE UNDERTAKER and number two is THE HEART BREAK KID SHAWN MICHAELS lol man that is how you dooz it imo this is *awesome* and who all do we have on commentary here OK Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole and Tazz and Jonathan Coachman at least which is too fuckin many obviously. You know what, I really like quasi-shoot-style Undertaker better than any previous Undertaker: I like the gloves and the loose-as-can-be *kakato jime* or *gogoplata* and all of that. He is trying to grow as an artist despite being totally old and that should serve as an inspiration to us all. An artist for whom no growth is possible because he has already reached the pinnacle is the incomparable Santino Marella who is the greatest comedic performer in the history of professional wrestling and *did you know* he is also legit as hell in that he is a junior national judo champion competing out of the highly regarded Shinbukan club in Mississauga and in fact his picture is still on the instructors page:

Anyway he is the third man in which is just funny to begin with but after he strides purposefully to the ring and then kind of poses at dudes he gets straight up SUPERKICKED in seconds and tossed by the Undertaker and again the man is the greatest wrestlecomedian of not just our era but of all time and you should *respect* that. The Undertaker and HBK continue to have a pretty awesome little match out there for the next ninety seconds and then we've got THE GREAT KHALI who was treated with profound seriousness in the previous year's Royal Rumble which is one-hundred percent correct and the Madison Square Garden crowd's chants of "YOU CAN'T WRESTLE" are of course in a sense true but they are also utterly beside the point. The Undertaker however does away with him in about a minute's time and for the second time in a row Shawn Michaels tries to sneakily tip the Undertaker out just after he has eliminated a dude and that is probably a good approach. Hardcore Holly is out next and is apparently a tag team champion here but still sucks a lot and so what I am watching mostly is not Holly squaring off against the Undertaker but instead the way Shawn Michaels' hair is messed up such that you can really see how bald he is on top at this point which is *really fucking bald on top at this point.* John Morrison is the next guy in and I like that guy. Holy shit Shawn Michaels' face is *all fucked up* and bloody and I honestly did not see what could have caused that so I apologize for failing you in this regard. He hits a rad top-rope elbow on Morrison just before stupid fucking Tommy Dreamer is out and he receives a hearty E-C-DUB chant and then a TOMM-Y-DREAM-ER but all of that is misplaced because he is stupid and just like *swollen* at this point. 


IT IS BIG DAVE EXPECT DUDES TO GET FUCKIN PUNISHED and yeah that is what happens and fortunately for mankind collectively Tommy Dreamer is the first guy he eliminates and hooooly shit he just speared John Morrison half to death. Hornswoggle who I am told is Vince McMahon's illegitimate son is our next little fella and he hides under the ring not unlike Jerry "The King" Lawler so many years ago. Chuck Palumbo is in there now and I liked him better as a guy who almost got same-sex-married than as a like swarthy dude in pants but that's me. Here comes Jamie Noble who is all taped up after "a brutal assault at the hands of Chuck Palumbo Friday night" thank you Michael Cole and lol he gets fuckin *kicked* and he's gone. Guys there is an awesome energy to this Royal Rumble so far and I am really really really enjoying it!


CM PUNK MOTHERFUCKER YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH RUNNING KNEE TO THE UNDERTAKER AND MICHAELS AND MORRISON and then lol he tries to bulldog Michaels out of the corner and the Undetaker *buries* him with a clothesline and he doesn't even have his shirt off before he escapes like an off-race Dominator or something from Palumbo and high-knees Palumbo off the apron and to the floor. Cody Rhodes is in now and I think he is a truly excellent professional wrestler and he was terrific at the recent "house" show I recently enjoyed at the historic Halifax Forum where I would remind you Leo Burke once wrestled National Wrestling Alliance Champion Harley Race to a sixty-minute draw. OH SHIT IT IS UMAGA AND HE IS *FUCKING DUDES UP* INCLUDING BOB HOLLY WHO HE JUST SAMOAN SPIKED TO THE FLOOR YEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH so now only Cody Rhodes remains of your tag team champions I guess. At number fifteen it is shaved-head Snitsky who I have never seen before but he looks kind of penislike or something and he lays guys out for a while and Cody Rhodes dives right after him and they both go to the apron but not out and that was really cool actually. Jim Ross says that John Morrison looks like a young Shawn Michaels out there and you know what that is an idea I can totally get behind. 


Here we have The Miz and I enjoy current Miz well enough but he looks pretty douchelike here but then again I am sure that is his deal. Oh OK so the Miz and Morrison are tag champions too? I am not going to worry about that too much. Shelton Benjamin is next and did they ever do anything worthwhile with this guy? He does totally awesome stuff in there right away but aaaaahaahahahahaaa yeah OK HBK just superkicked him right out. So what if a dude can straight up *leap* to the top ropes like it is not even tricky to do that; they've got nothing for him. FAT JIMMY SNUKA IS NEXT AND BAH GAWD THE RAVAGES OF TIME I mean *Odin's ravens* he looks like shit here and I see much older dudes than that naked at the gym on the reg and I don' t think Snuka looks better than *any* of them. lol he might look better than ROWDY RODDY PIPER though and I know this because Piper is next and this is really really really cool even if Jimmy Snuka looks like Yoko Ono's aunt at this point (and I respect and admire Yoko Ono to the extent that I follow here on soundcloud which is the highest distinction that is within my power to bestow but she is at this point a very old lady you understand). ALAS Snuka is unable to finally exact a measure of revenge for the coconut incident on Piper's Pit as Kane comes in and just tips both dudes out but you know what that was *awesome* and they should do stuff like that every couple years at least. 


Carlito is in at number twenty-one and man this one is flying by! He spits apple at Cody Rhodes and I will never get tired of apple spitting as a thing OH SHIT FUCKIN BACKCRACKER OR WHATEVER on CM Punk. OMG CACTUS JACK IS NEXT and I remain way way way into this. They would have to do nothing but absolutely horrible awful things the rest of the way for this to be anything but a totally good Royal Rumble. Mr. Kennedy is the next man in and he gets an enormous reaction from the crowd and I guess I just wasn't watching at all at this point because I had no idea he was ever that big of a deal really. lol Jim Ross is like "The Undertaker is stackin' them up like cord-wood in the corner" which is a metaphor that speaks to my experience. Seconds after Big Daddy V is called we get a chain of events that is like this: the Undertaker pushes Snitsky out and then HBK puts the Undertaker out with a superkick and then Mr. Kennedy puts Michaels out from behind and yeah if Shawn Michael's nose isn't broken it sure as hell looks like it is. I guess Undertaker dropped a "big leg" on Snitsky on the table on the way out but the camera didn't catch it. Cody Rhodes nearly gets Kennedy with a headscissors and Rhodes has been quietly excllent so far imo. SOMEBODY IS GOING TO GET THEIR ASS KICKED says the guy who performs Mark Henry's entrance music and Mark Henry is awesome. Hornswoggle pops out from under the ring to give the Miz a little pull out over the top and then ducks back under.


Man this is just about it already as this is *ooooooooo CHAVO* in at number twenty-six and CM Punk goes at him hard here suggesting there is some sort of rivalry? Kane offers a "big boot" to the face of John Morrison who is out and he like Cody Rhodes was really good in this (Rhodes is continuing to be good btw). lol Mark Henry picks up Hornswoggle and pulls him into the ring and then Finlay rushes in and whacks dudes with the traditional ethnic weapon of his people and he accompanies Hornswoggle to the back and his night is done I guess. OK so they are saying Finlay has been disqualified which is a first in these Royal Rumbles I believe. So he would have been twenty-seven and Elijah Burke is next and i don't know the first thing about this guy. OH SHIT CHAVO GOT CM PUNK shoot and they show a replay of Batista getting Samoan Spiked and rolling out under the bottom rope to the floor which is where he remains as Triple H comes out and man oh man that really is the best wrestling song isn't it and he knocks Rhodes out and then facebusters Viscera and tosses him and then he facebusters Umaga and yeeeeeeeeeeeeahh he "squares off" with Mick Foley and of course we all recall their awesome awesome awesome match here *in the year 2000* and Triple H fires Foley towards the ropes and both Foley and Elijah Burke go up and out in a heap and that was really cool! Hey we've only got one guy left to go! PEDIGREE ON UMAGA btw. 


JOHN CENA AT NUMBER THIRTY and yeah I remember hearing about this because he was supposed to be *shoot* out for a really long time but came back early or something? The MSG crowd goes absolutely nuts for this despite themselves and Cena is not fucking around here man we have got Carlito out and then Chavo out and woah Mark Henry too so who is still in this: Umaga, Kane, Kennedy, Batista somewhere maybe, and of course Triple H who is right now "trading" with John Cena in the centre of the ring and then Umaga is like fuck this it is time for a SAMOAN SPIKE but just then Batista shows up with a spear and then he clotheslines Kennedy out and after fucking it up a little bit for a sec he clotheslines Umaga out too so our final four consists of Kane, Cena, Batista and Triple H except nope there goes Kane as Batista and Triple H team up to eliminate him and they are probably like "memories man good times right?" and now it is a TAUNT OFF as Batista goes THUMBS DOWN and Cena is like YOU CAN'T SEE ME and Triple H is of the opinion that either or both of these athletes can "suck it" and this is pretty god damn exciting right now! Batista gets the best of things for the first little bit here HOWEVER he is surprisingly clotheslined out by Triple H at his first moment of weakness and vulnerability and YEEEEEEAHHH TRIPLE H VS. JOHN CENA LET US GO THEN YOU AND I and yeeeeeeaaaah they are both pointing at the sign that says "Wrestlemania XXIV" and yeah man that is the deal that is the DEAL. These guys came in at twenty-nine and thirty I remind you. A pretty amazing BOO/YAY takes shape as the two exchange punches and the MSG crowd is pretty goofy man they are like *booooooo Cena* but they went NUTS for his surprise entrance. FINISHERS ARE COMPELLINGLY TEASED but then it is a double clothesline situation and we must all wait for these two to regain their feet and OK now Cena gets Triple H up on his shoulders near the ropes and this could be NOOOOO it is a DDT from Triple H and this is GOOD. Now it is Triple H who has Cena precariously on his shoulders near the ropes but then OH SHIT WILL IT BE A PEDIGREE NOOOOOOO IT IS UP AND OVER AND THAT IS IT JOHN CENA HAS WON THE TOTALLY AWESOME 2008 ROYAL RUMBLE AND THIS IS DEFINITELY ONE OF THE BEST ONES YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH


Hey so here is what else happened (thanks youtube you're the best): 


Ric Flair was doing that thing that I had heard about but had not seen where he was going to retire after the next match he lost which I guess culminates in I LOVE YOU AND I'M SORRY at Wrestlemania but here he is merely defeating MVP in a pretty poor match in which Ric Flair looks old and shitty in everything he does *including existing.* I like Ric Flair as much as the next guy but this is no fun at all and just makes me think about that too-long-to-actually-read Grantland breakdown of just how broke Ric Flair is and forever shall be and I mean don't cry for Ric Flair but also he is an old guy making a fool of himself because he has no money and whether that is a deserved thing or not I don't want to see it necessarily. Bunch of shitty stuff that looked awful; figure four.


Next though we get Jericho and JBL and the video package shows some great stuff with JBL choking the shit out of him and LARIATOOOO on the outside and a "promo" where he addresses Jericho's children specifically and he's like "look at the coward you call 'daddy'" and that is pretty heavy. SAVE_US.Y2J is pretty cool imo; this is a guy who knows how to come back to wrestling after not being in wrestling for a while as has become even clearer in the era of the lighted jacket, a jacket and an era that own. lol whenever they tie-up collar-and-elobw stylee it is amazing how much bigger JBL is than Jericho who I mean well Jericho is a little guy who has special boots to make him look taller and we all know that so this should not be shocking to us this disparity in height between these two athletes and yet it kind of is. Jericho hits "THE WALLS" early but alas too near the ropes however when the action "goes to the outside" he lands a baseball slide and tosses JBL into the steps and things appear to be going very much his way! This does not last though as JBL begins to "go to work" on Jericho's injured neck for a while and then there is an admirably large boot also.WOAH OK Jericho has "bladed" in a pretty serious way after going into the ring post and to the outside and if you think it looks cool when wrestlers are bleeding then you would probably be of the opinion that this one looks *very* cool.  BOOOOOOOO a total fuck up as Bradshaw just kind of falls on his face despite the one-handed bulldog being not even close at all but let's be honest with each other and more importantly with ourselves and just get it out in the open that one-handed bulldogs are stupid moves that look like shit anyway. Anyway the action goes outside and JBL was uncovering the announce table and Jericho was like "nope" and instead "fuck you *in the face*" at least symbollically as he hits him with a steel chair and then rolls him back into the ring and lol throws the fuckin chair and it hits his damn face again and now he is strangling JBL with some like cables or something and in doing so Y2J is standing on the announce table and JBL is still inside the ring and BAH GAWD Jericho is a bloody mess. Needless to say Jericho is disqualified very early in this sequence of events and this was kind of a shit match with a *fantastic* finish as far as DQs go in what Jim Ross calls "a physical slobberknocker of a match up that got *completely* out of hand."


OK now here's Edge defending his World Heavyweight Championship against Rey Mysterio and I think that is a "let's go Edge" chant early on and perhaps the MSG crowd is reflecting on how awesome it was when Edge pretended to have sex with Lita on Raw and a pretend boob got out and for real aired on TV. Let me say that my interest in and appreciation of Rey Mysterio has indeed been renewed by watching his fine performance in the Royal Rumble of two years prior. Hey so Edge has in his corner a wheelchair-bound Vickie Guerrero who I like but who must only really have gotten work because everybody felt bad about how Eddie's heart got so shitty from wrestling drugs that he could not survive a particularly vigorous toothbrushing which I am not making light of man that shit is tragic and also Curt Hawkins and yeaaaaah Zach Ryder are in his corner too for like a minute until they are "sent to the back" by the referee who I think had been the ECW referee Mickey? So this is a pretty good match with plenty of *moves* and such and the crowd is squarely pro Edge and is booing Mysterio on the reg like fuck you Rey Mysterio you are "the ultimate underdog" and we hate that. Edge's approach here is to focus on Mysterio's legs in an attempt to "ground" the "high flier" and this seems sound. Every now and again he will look to the crowd after laying Mysterio out and the crowd is like YEEEEAAAAHHHH. Mysterio has a little comeback here though and he does this thing where he jumps off the top rope and just lands with both feet on Edge's stomach and that looks pretty cool AS DOES HIS HEAD-FIRST SLIDING DDT TO THE OUTSIDE woah that was cool. He is "cut off" however by a big boot that Edge actually doesn't have to raise any higher than like thigh high thus making it a thigh-high boot which can be an enticing look sometiems. There is some 619ery after a missed spear but Vickie Guerrero who was apparently faking it intervenes a couple of times and then when Mysterio tries to jump in off the top rope he gets SPEARED in mid-air and EDGE RETAINS and there was nothing wrong with that match guys. 


Finally there is World Wrestling Entertainment Champion Randall K. Orton defending that august title against Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy and this was actually really good too! There was a video package that showed old photographs of a young Randall toddlechilling with the likes of Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant as we were informed that Orton was born and raised to be a professional wrestling champion and then clips of Jeff Hardy doing ridiculous and awesome things informed us that Hardy is EXTREEEEME and finally there were clips of Matt Hardy getting "punted" and I think there was some kind of talk about an appendix or something. But all of that was pretty good and then I really liked the entrances here for some reason, not that there was anything all that out of the ordinary to them I guess: Jeff Hardy came out and did his goofy rhythmic pelvic thrusting whilst the girlies went *eeeeeeeee* and then Orton came out and walked like *so* slowly and with *such* smugness that idk it just seemed great. I expected this match to consist of a number of increasingly bananas "spots" however it was for the most part a methodically worked championship match that did not go on forever or anything but slowly built towards a part where Hardy got in all his sick moves in a row like that one where he runs up the turnbuckle and corkscrew dives off and it's the "whisper in the wind" or something and then he attempted a moonsault to the floor which he kind of missed a little or maybe Orton was in the wrong spot idk but the end result was Orton getting murdered by Hardy's knees and Hardy getting pretty much no support on the way to the floor and it looked cool. Back in the ring Hardy went for the "twist of fate" which is not a bad name for such a move but OMG RKO OUT OF NOWHERE and that was that. They tried to do the Benoit 2003 thing where the challenger who nearly won the title stays out after the champion leaves and the challenger receives a rousing ovation but all Hardy got was like respectful applause. This is not to suggest that the crowd had not been into him or the match: there had been really good LET'S GO HARDY/LET'S GO ORTON chants for a while there and there should have been because they both did a good job.


Yeah so I watched this one all out of order and broken up which perhaps gives one a slightly odd sense of the thing as a whole but this was EXCELLENT in my view as the two titles matches were Very Good Matches and the JBL/Jericho finish was admirably gross even if the match wasn't much and the Royal Rumble proper was REALLY EXCITING so yeah this one of the best of these for sure imo.