Tuesday, 31 January 2012


WELCOME  EVERYONE TO THE 1994 ROOOOOYAL RUMBLE WHERE IT WOULD SEEM WE HAVE ENTERED AN ERA OF PRETTY COOL GRAPHICS AND INTROS AND REALLY CHEAP SOUNDING SYNTH BASS THAT I USED TO JUST CALL "MIDI BASS" WHEN I WAS A KID WHO DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT THAT MEANT AND VINCE MCMAHON HIMSELF WELCOMES US TO THE PROVIDENCE CIVIC CENTER BECAUSE I GUESS HE IS SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT I WILL DO IT MYSELF and who is it who joins him on commentary why it is none other than "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase and McMahon carries on like this is some kind of an unexpected twist like "nobody told MEEE" which is kind of a weird thing to do. DiBiase explains that he is in fact much more highly paid than John Madden and while I doubt that is true he would be worth it owing to his expertise here as a participant in every Royal Rumble to date.

Our opening match pits Tatanka against Bam Bam Bigelow and Bigelow's "BAM BAM" intro music reminds me of how much better his song sounded on Sega Genesis Monday Night Raw than anybody else's and I don't really know why that is. Perhaps because it is sparse and atmospheric? He is accompanied to the ring by Luna Vachon who I believe was also in that game as the lone female or "lady" wrestler. Hopefully Bam Bam brings a little more energy to this contest than last year's steaming butt of a match against the Big Boss Man. OK this is the Bam Bam I wanted to see, splashing dudes in corners and dropkicking despite his considerable girth. DiBiase says that Bigelow used to be a bounty hunter which is cool if true. Tatanka with the high cross body off the top rope nooooo he missed it! We are only a couple of minutes in but this is looking pretty good. Huuuuuuuuge splash in the corner! WHAT A MANEUVER indeed! Both of these athletes believe it or not will compete in the Royal Rumble match later tonight. A top rope sunset flip on the part of Tatanka is countered by Bigelow's rumpis vulgaris. Holy cow an enziguiri from Bigelow! And now a bear hug! And wow his bear hug looks shitty, at least as shitty as his epic waistlock of a year ago. Even McMahon has to be like, "I don't think this bear hug quite has the leverage a more conventional bear hug would have" and I mean think about that: bear hugs usually look like shit but this one looks so extraordinarily bad that Vince can't even hype it up; he's go to be like "ladies and gentlemen we apologize for how shitty this bear hug is; we appreciate your patronage and will work to rectify his situation as soon as possible and with a minimum of disruption." Tatanka with a powerslam for two! And then with both athletes charging towards each off the ropes a double high-cross body kind of thing puts them both on their backs! Tatanka Native Americans right up though and dances around but Bigelow with another cool kick to the back of the head and now it is Bigelow bouncing around the ring in a clear and unpardonable mockery of Tatanka's heritage. Bigelow misses a moonsault; Tatanka hits the top-rope high-cross body, and that's it! Also I think Tatanka's music sounded pretty good in that game too if I am remembering it right! I think the Sega is at my brother's apartment so I can't check! A totally fine match here.

Our next match is about to be pretty heavy I think as it is Bret and Owen Hart challenging the Quebecers for the World Wrestling Federation Tag Team Championship which would be a weighty enough contest on its own but there is the added issue of a growing sibling rivalry here. VIDEO PACKAGE: Let's take you back to the "Family Feud" match at Survivor Series where Bret wore a pink singlet without pants and inadvertently caused Owen's elimination from that elimination tag match and Owen was not understanding of this situation but instead visibly upset about it. He was the only Hart brother eliminated, as Todd Pettingill notes. Owen has been living in Bret's shadow, "The Rocket" tell us in a pretty bad interview clip, and he challenges his older brother to A FIGHT. Bret Hart's interview clip is, on the other hand, awesome, and he says that is not something he would like to do. We are then shown yet another interview clip which suggests that everything has been smoothed over -- or *most* everything -- and also that the Harts are primed to challenge for the tag team titles. Jesus Christ this is a lot of clips: the Qubecers dropped the titles to Jannetty and the 1-2-3 KID but won them back a week later OK OK OK FINE JUST GET TO THE FUCKING MATCH. Petengill looks pretty goofy with his little earring.

lol I had totally forgotten about WHAT ABOUT ME WHAT ABOUT JOHNNY POLO's involvement with the Quebecers. I don't want to get my hopes up too high here or anything but I don't know guys I think we might be in for a really killer match here! Hey one time before a house show I saw the Quebecers headed into the building and I yelled VIVRE LE QUEBEC! and Jacques Rougeau looked around confused for a minute but then went AAAAAYYYYY! Bret starts out with Pierre Ouellet and yeah this is going to be great. Owen it is in and he's flipping his way out of an "arm wringer." The pace here is awesome and the wrestling pleasingly scientific. Owen kips up and Jacques golf claps him for a much longer time than you would think he would; it's pretty great. Jacques offers his hand in friendship but Owen was not born yesterday. I see that the Quebecers are keeping up the old Fabulous Rougeau Brothers thing where they hug and console each other in the corner when things have gone badly for them. Bret and Owen basically just did Demolition's old finisher with Bret delivering the middle rope elbow.

Fuck man this is killer these guys can WRESTLE. There's a great spot where the Quebecers have the Harts in opposite corners and they're going to Irish whip them into each other but Bret hit(man)s the deck and Owen leaps into a cross body block and goes for the pin on Jacques while Bret attacks Pierre with an ankle pick or "kibisu gaeshi." Quick tags in and out and an awesome pace here just an awesome pace OH SHIT HUGE POWERSLAM FROM PIERRE but Bret kicks out. You know what there is a lot of talk about how well Bret takes the sternum-first turnbuckles but he has this way of just having his head driven into the turnbuckle where it is almost like he is falling into it with his whole body or something and it looks really really good.

Owen is on on a *hot tag* and he wrecks dudes with suplexes and cool dropkicks and locks in a SHARPSHOOTER SHARPSHOOTER on Jacques but Pierre breaks that shit up with a quickness. Owen is nearly decapitated by a "stun gun" as I believe it would come to be known but now Bret is in on the *hot tag* and it is like BOOM side Russian leg sweep for you Jacques BOOM backbreaker for you Pierre and the only thing that ends this run of excellent execution is some rope pulling underhandedness from Johnny Polo and Ted DiBiase is pretty great here: after McMahon speculates that there could be a knee injury here on Bret's part DiBiase goes "YEAH IT LOOKS PRETTY BAD TO ME AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!" The referee -- Tim, the guy who used to travel with Andre the Giant -- kind of fucks up and ends up totally seeing the Quebecers nail Bret with a chair on the outside but has to turn around and be like "yeah Owen like I was saying you should go back to your corner for real." Bret is selling all of this like death and he is completely unable to defend himself but Owen rolls him back into the ring; such is his lust for title gold. This match is terrific. 

Middle-rope leg drop to the back of the head from Pierre, which is a completely sick move, but the Quebecers miss their cool move where Pierre does an assisted forward flip from the top! Bret *arguably* has the opportunity to tag his brother here he instead goes for the sharpshooter however he collapses in pain and the referee ends the match in a TKO which never happens in the WWF like ever and Owen is irate and oh yeah this leads to the promo where Owen is like THAT'S WHY I KICKED YOUR LEG IN THE LEG or whatever it was exactly. The Quebecers out-of-key "WE'RE THE MOUNTIEEEEEEES" song bellows throughout the Providence Civic Center as I am delighted with and by this wrestling match. The ring fills with World Wrestling Federation officials to assist the fallen Hitman and Ray Rougeau tries to get an interview but he has a French accent argument with Patt Patterson. Rougeau speculates and McMahon agrees that while Bret Hart is a tremendous competitor there is no way he can compete in tonight's Royal Rumble match! It's way better to have people on the undercard compete in the Rumble match itself, I think, because you can do cool stuff like this. lol Owen really comes into his own in the over-the-top heel promo that follows where he goes on about aaahaha ok awesome there it is: "AND THAT'S WHY I KICKED YOUR LEG OUTTA . . . your . . . leg" *looks around nervously*

oh MAN lol

DiBiase applauds Owen Hart's actions; McMahon finds them deplorable.

The following contest scheduled for one fall sees Irwin R. Shyster challenging Razor Ramon for the Intercontinental Championship and on commentary we are treated to Gorilla Monsoon and Jim Ross! Is it because Vince needs to be backstage to help things run smoothly with the Rumble or something? That is my best guess but that is of course all it is. I love Razor Ramon's entrance music and his persona as a street-smart brawler from Miami as Jim Ross describes him. Again, poor Mike Rotunda. This is such a shitty gimmick -- "LOOK AT ALL YOU TAX CHEATS! LOOK AT MY CONTROVERSIAL BRIEFCASE THAT CONTAINS THE STOLEN GOLD FROM AROUND RAZOR RAMON'S NECK!" -- and it went on for years and years. Work is work I guess but I bet he liked it better when he was fresh-faced grappler Mike Rotunda, a guy who didn't wrestle in a tie and suspenders. 

A reasonably good back-and-forth start to the match and then IRS throws Ramon to the outside and it's a pretty good looking fall. He gets Razor back into the ring, and does something cool: he comes off the top rope, but Razor got his foot up for a boot to the chin, but IRS saw it, landed on his feet, sidestepped, and dropped an elbow. I don't think I have ever seen that before in my many years of studiously observing this and other grappling sports.

That's the best thing that happens in the whole match, but that is not to say that the match was bad: it was, on the contrary, totally fine but not like amazing: ref(eree Joey Marella) bump, Razor clocks IRS with his own briefcase but the referee isn't there to count it; top rope back drop (belly-to-back suplex, JR calls it); but then just as Razor has IRS up for the Razor's Edge, HBK darts to the ring and clocks him with HIS BOGUS INTERCONTINENTAL BELT and it was really surprising to me at least and what is even more surprising is that IRS has won the Intercontinental Championship and I have absolutely no memory of that at all OH OK HERE IS REFEREE EARL HEBNER who has come to the ring and explains to Joey Marella that look look there are TWO Intercontinental Championship belts here AND HOW ELSE CAN THAT BE BUT HBK? just as Razor plants the celebrating IRS from the second turnbuckle to the unforgiving canvas below with the Razor's Edge for the one-two-three and the champion leaves the ring with not just one but in fact TWO rad looking Intercontinental Championship belts and let us take a moment and reflect on how amazing all the World Wrestling Federation belts looked at this time and salute Cody Rhodes for rocking the classic IC belt these days. I guess this is why there were two IC belts suspended above the ring in Madison Square Garden for the famed ladder match at Wrestlemania X? Note please that the ladder match was invented in Stampede and the first in World Wrestling Federation history was in fact contested between Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels. TRIVIA!

This video package promoting the Undertaker vs. Yokozuna casket match for the World Wrestling Federation Championship is unwatchable however it does have Paul Bearer saying the words "behemoth carcass" which is a pot/kettle situation if ever there was one amirite? I'm pretty sure I saw these two do something very much like this at a house show at the Halifax Forum (where once again I would remind you Leo Burke once wrestled National Wrestling Alliance World Heavyweight Champion Harley Race to a sixty-minute draw) and it was so fucking boring you have no idea. You might even say that it was *deadly* boring. Here comes Yokozuna accompanied by Mr. Fuji and James E. Cornette (avec tennis racket) and the crowd is pretty ready for this but I don't know man i don't know. Paul Bearer wheels out an extra-wide, extra-deep casket topped by the magic urn and right behind him we see the Undertaker and I'll let you know if anything cool happens here but I seriously have my doubts. 

 Only a couple minutes in and we are on the outside and the Undertaker is laying into Yokozuna with a chair and then Yokozuna whips a handful of salt into his eyes and lol also into the crowd and salt in the eyes always calls to mind this for me:


never put never put never put ALWAYS PUT SALT IN YOUR EYES

The crowd is seriously into this match so who am I to tell anyone what is right and what is wrong and de gustibus non est disputandum and everything but this match is just not for me UNTIL A BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX FROM YOKOZUNA BUT THE UNDERTAKER SITS UP AND GRABS HIM BY THE THROAT AND IT IS THE TINIEST CHOKESLAM YOU HAVE EVER SEEN AND THEN THE UNDERTAKER HITS THE WORST DDT AND YOKOZUNA LOOKS AROUND FOR A MOMENT BEFORE HE REALIZES HE SHOULD PROBABLY SELL THAT GARBAGE and that was all pretty cool but now there is the pretty unthrilling rolling of a dude into a casket only for the casket lid not to close. Oh hey here comes the evil Crush and he is attacking the Undertaker and now it is Kabuki who has a stunningly shitty body and now Tenryu is in there too and he must be like "what IS this shit" and now Bam Bam . . . Vince McMahon is totally into the OMG CAN YOU BELIEVE IT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN register of his voice and I would remind you that what Yokozuna has been selling like death for about five minutes now is a DDT so shitty he looked around for a bit while deciding what to do with it. 

Adam Bomb is in and the Undertaker is hitting him with the salt bucket. That sentence encapsulates the entire match I am afraid as J-E-DOUBLE-F J-A-DOUBLE-R-E-DOUBLE-T DOUBLE-J JEFF JARRETT and the Headshrinkers are in there now too. Paul Bearer is fucking around with the urn which apparently compels the Undertaker to fight on against like a dozen guys. Diesel is in, too, but he hasn't done anything. The Undertaker is standing in the casket fighting dudes off and I hate it. Here comes Diesel at last AND OH MY YOKOZUNA HAS STOLEN THE URN fucking hell this sucks. Green smoke billows out of the urn as the Undertaker jumps early for a Crush suplex but they straighten that out eventually. Anyway they roll the Undertaker in and close the lid of the casket and the bell rings and Yokozuna's squad of hired goons lock it and roll it to the back. WE HAVE SEEN I BELIEVE THE DEMISE OF THE UNDERTAKER Vince McMahon tells us but a bell tolls and the lights go out and a green smoke escapes the casket and an image of the Undertaker appears on screen and he is like BE NOT PROUD THE SPIRIT OF THE UNDERTAKER LIVES WITHIN THE SOUL OF ALL MANKIND THE ETERNAL FLAME OF LIFE THAT CANNOT BE EXTINGUISHED THE ORIGIN OF WHICH CAN NOT BE EXPLAINED THE ANSWER LIES IN THE EVERLASTING SPIRIT SOON ALL MANKIND WILL WITNESS THE REBIRTH OF THE UNDERTAKER I WILL NOT REST IN PEACE and it is amazingly stupid and then the image of the Undertaker rises from the screen and the man himself or I guess actually a dude in his guise or whatever appears on top and McMahon is like THE UNDERTAKER IS LEVITATING HERE IN PROVIDENCE RHODE ISLAND and I give up.  

IT IS NOW TIME FOR THE ROYAL RUMBLE and jesus christ not a moment too soon. Who drew number one? It is Scott Steiner and the Steiner Brothers music vaguely recalls the theme from Robotech and it's fine if you want to be like "Macross was better and Mospaeda was ruined RUINED by Harmony Gold" or whatever but you cannot front on the Robotech theme song even for a second. At number two we've got a Headshrinker, Samu in fact! He is of course accompanied by Afa, who is excellent. We are told that given time constraints, Jack Tunney has ruled that a new man will enter the ring every ninety seconds, and the fact that the Rumble is being cut short and that Yokozuna/Undertaker nonsense was allowed to go on forever is utterly appalling to a man of my sensibilities. Steiner and Samu have a really solid ninety seconds of it, highlighted by a double underhook powerbomb of sorts from Steiner and a particularly vicious clothesline from Samu. I do not envy Samu however as in at number three it is the Dog-Faced Gremlin Rick Steiner who if memory serves just went crazy on a guy at an indie show one time and beat the hell out of him and then when they got back to the Locker Room Area he was like "sorry bro I have no idea what came over me out there." JESUS CHRIST Samu just did this dive at both Steiners and he got caught up in the ropes such that the top and middle ropes were scissoring his fucking head! Isn't that how Foley lost an ear? If that was deliberate, it was awesome, and it it was an accident, I guess it was still pretty awesome because although he is out of the match, he is OK folks. Kwang comes in next and I think he is Savio Vega! I should say thank you for pointing out that Max Moon was Konnan; if I had ever known that I had totally forgotten, obviously.

Owen Hart is in at number five and he is not loved here. He eliminates Rick Steiner in kind of a cool way: with Steiner draped over the top rope with his hand planted on the apron, Owen just kind of punches him in the gut. It looks better than it sounds. Owen as a "fan favourite" wasn't so hot (though I loved the Blue Blazer as a lad) but he is well on his way to being an awesome heel who yells "WOOO!" at this point and I'm glad to see it. Bart Gunn is in next and I wouldn't want to wrestle in jeans, that's for sure. OH MY IT IS BIG DADDY COOL DIESEL and lol Ted DiBaise goes "he's almost as big as me . . . WHEN I'M STANDING ON MY WALLET AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA." Diesel dumps Gunn, Steiner, Hart, and Kwang in short order. He raises both arms in celebration of this feat and the crowd is like FUCK YEAH DIESEL which is the correct response imo.

Bob Backlund is in next and nearly eliminates the much larger man who will eventually Jack Knife Power Bomb him to win the World Wrestling Federation Championship in Madison Square Garden in record time but only like thirty seconds later it is Backlund who is over the top rope and out of contention in this Royal Rumble match. Billy Gunn is in next and lasts about twenty seconds. This is the first time anyone has done this in the Rumble, just straight up fuckin wrecked dudes as fast as they entered, and it's really awesome and the crowd is totally into it. 

We're shown backstage footage of Kabuki and Tenryu beating up the newly all-American Lex Luger and lol Wrestling Superstar Virgil is in next. Virgil we're told is an alternate for Kamala which is a sentence that I really enjoyed hearing Vince McMahon say for some reason. He's out pretty quickly as Diesel continues to run amok and DiBiase cackles. 

FREAK OUT FREAK OUT IT'S THE MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE and people still love Randy Savage like you wouldn't believe. He's still in a period of modest dress here, a hot pink ensemble with leopard print accents and lots of tassles definitely tassles yeah. He takes it to Diesel pretty well, and then Jeff Jarrett hits the ring in his dumb getup and V. McMahon explains that Jarrett has designs on Nashville and is only using the World Wrestling Federation as a stepping stone and did you know that Jeff Jarrett has in fact always sucked and still does? True story. He thinks he has eliminated Randy Savage but of course he has not and while strutting in unearned celebration he is tossed over the top by the Macho Man as Diesel continues to chill out in the corner. Crush is in next and before long he teams with Diesel to make life difficult for Savage. 

Doink (accompanied by Dink) makes his way down the aisle just as Crush eliminates Savage and this is not the kind of amazing creepy early clown version of Doink but instead the crowd pleasing one although I am not among those in the crowd who are pleased by his antics. Diesel and Crush hold the ropes open for Bam Bam Bigelow, who enters next, in deference to the "tremendous history" with Doink. Hooooooly shit Bam Bam just presses Doink above his head and tosses him straight to the floor that way and it is somewhat bananas. Crush and Diesel turn on Bigelow immediately thereafter.

Mabel is out next and Oscar is with him and the crowd chants "WHOOMP THERE IT IS" and this really was not a good period in midcard World Wrestling Federation history, in fact probably the worst ever as yes Sparky Plugg hits the ring as an alternate taking the place of the 1-2-3 Kid . . . I like Mabel as Viscera as much as the next guy but as Mabel I do not enjoy Mabel at all.

Alright, here's Shawn Michaels with yeah some really bad hair but still he is a sight for sore eyes here. He and Diesel exchange glances and things seem to be cool between them HOWEVER when everybody teams up to eliminate Diesel, HBK gets a little shot in and Diesel is out. He receives a fine ovation from the crowd for his effort here tonight and I must say that it really was pretty awesome to see him just run through dudes for a little while there. Mo of Men on a Mission is in next but you don't care. He is wearing a gold lamé romper.

Greg "The Hammer" Valentine gets a much bigger response from the crowd than you might expect and he pairs off with fucking Sparky Plugg in the corner. Tatanka is in next so it's Tatanka, HBK, Plugg (smdh), Valentine, Crush, Mable, Mo, and Bam Bam. Michaels has some good NEAR ELIMINATION bits here like you'd expect but other than that there's not a lot going on here. No doubt this will change as Kabuki enters the fray! It kind of does, actually, as everybody but Mo (who has been superkicked) teams up to eliminate Mabel.

Here comes Lex Luger who was apparently loved at this time in his red white and blue trunks and whatnot. He immediately exacts his revenge for earlier backstage shenanigans by eliminating Kabuki. The crowd's enthusiasm for Luger seems to dissipate pretty quickly when everything he does in there makes him look like a fucking goof. And now it is time for Tenryu, who obviously lasted longer in the World Wrestling Federation than I remembered. He wears the biggest trunks anyone has seen since the days of Jim Duggan. He chops and kicks Luger in the corner and you should be able to enjoy that but Luger is such a fucking goof the way he goes "OOOOAFFFFF" every time someone so much as brushes up against him. Fucking Luger.

The horn sounds but no one emerges from behind the curtain and Vince McMahon speculates that it must have been Bret Hart's number. Alas! Ninety seconds later we get "The Model" Rick Martel and in case you were wondering whether or not he was still pretty awesome in 1994 well let me tell you that the answer is that yes he was still pretty awesome in 1994. There's really not a whole lot going on in the ring, though, except for Shawn Michaels occasionally coming close to elimination in cool fashion. 

And here's Bret Hart limping out to the ring! So who did that missed number belong to anyway? Crush and Tenryu work Bret's injured leg over and he's not really doing too much in there except sell the leg. Fatu comes in at number twenty-eight and the ring is about as full as you'll ever see it this late in a Royal Rumble. Vince does everything he can to get Sparky Plugg over but it's not gonna happen pal. Bret Hart is starting to find his form here as he gets in on Crush's group elimination and then lights into Bam Bam. 

Marty Jannetty is in next and he and Shawn Michaels go at it like Don Frye and Takayama and the crowd is super into it as well they should be. The thirtieth man is Adam Bomb and McMahon assures us that Adam Bomb will win the Royal Rumble and there can't even really be any doubt.

OK so everybody is in now and it's Bret and HBK and Tenryu and Jannetty and Luger and Moe and Velentine and Adam Bomb and Martel and Fatu and Tatanka and oooh there goes the valiant newcomer Sparky Plugg tipped over the top by "the Hitman." We are told that the no show was Bastion Booger who apparently "got a little sick." With nobody else to enter the match you would think things would be picking up in intensity but this shit is seriously tepid right now. 

Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels pair off and Bret sends Michaels into the post in a pretty cool way just as Greg Valentine kind of slips out and over the top in the most delicate fashion you have ever seen. He gets a nice hand from the crowd. Martel dives out over the top as Tatanka ducks out of the way; Adam Bomb goes out the same way really on a missed clothesline to Luger. "That's simply a lack of concentration by Adam Bomb," opines The Million Dollar Man and it is hard to argue with that assessment. Fatu reverse thrust kicks Mo out and here's McMahon with the call: "look at this *another one* goes out!" Bam Bam tosses Tataka out perhaps settling the score from earlier in the evening?  Bigelow then takes a run at Luger in the corner but Luger moves out of the way and Bigelow goes flying out like a mensch. Michaels and Jannetty get all tangled up in the ropes and of course Michaels comes out ahead there so we're down to Luger, Michaels, Fatu, and Bret Hart. 

Hart and Luger team up to eliminate Tenryu and we're down to our final four as Fatu and Luger pair off in one corner while Bret and HBK do some seriously awesome stuff: HBK flies into Bret in the corner but then Hart sends him into the ropes with an Irish whip and catches him for a backbreaker which Michaels spins out of into a scoop slam position and now he's almost got Bret out except HE DOES NOT and now Michaels is almost out and I think these two should work together some more some time maybe. 

Fatu sells a Luger clothesline in the flippiest way and he is to be saluted for it and then we have a GREAT bit where Hart and Luger attempt to Irish whip Michaels and Fatu into each other from opposite corners and HBK leapfrogs the awesome Samoan so you are thinking AH HA THEY GOT OUT OF TROUBLE THERE but no both guys get backdropped out over opposite corners leaving just Luger and Hart in the ring and I hope that the way I have described it makes it sound good but irl it was definitely WAY BETTER.

Luger and Hart tie up and go right at it as the crowd rises to its collective feet but maybe not in sheer excitement as a couple of dudes in Bruins gear in the front row seem to be putting their jackets on. Luger and Hart both tumble out over the top rope in a heap and after much discussion between referees Joey Marella and Earl Hebner it is not clear who has emerged the victor! Howard Finkel doesn't know what to do! Lex Luger's music starts up but is cut short and instead Bret Hart's music plays and to my ear it sounds like this is the more popular call in the building and I can assure you it is the more popular call in my living room right now. Yeah both wrestlers play to the crowd a little bit and it is pretty clear that the people in the building want it to be Bret and they're so extremely right to want that man just all kinds of right. Here comes Jack Tunney in a double-breasted suit to render a decision of some kind.  

For the first time we see some replays and they really nailed this finish: Bret wraps both legs around one of Luger's to stay as tightly together as possible not just up top but down low and it looks really really good from the few flattering angles from which it is shown. At long last we are told that the WINNERS OF THE 1994 ROYAL RUMBLE ARE LEX LUGER AAAAAAAND BRET "HITMAN" HART who though visibly disappointed with this outcome shake hands before they make their respective ways back to the Locker Room Area. As we all know, Bret would go on to Wrestlemania X and lose an amazing match to his brother Owen and then defeat Yokozuna in the main event with special guest referee Roddy Piper whereas Lex Luger would suck.

So totally a mixed bag here: Bigelow/Tatanka and Razor/IRS were serviceable; the Harts vs. the Quebecors was aaaaaaaaawesome; Yokozuna and the Undertaker was the worst; and then the Royal Rumble match itself had an awful lot of shit but it also had Diesel destroying people and some great work at the end with Bret and Shawn and the finish was such a good idea and was executed so well that I'm thinking they should probably do it again sometime soon. Why not? It is been basically forever they did it and it was pretty cool so again I ask you why not? That is the question I leave you with here today.

1 comment:

  1. omg to my shame and dismay I have misrepresented *both* Leo Burke and the Halifax Forum to you all as he did not in fact wrestle N.W.A. Champion Harley Race to a sixty-minute draw in the Halifax Forum but instead here are the details of his world title challenges and for this I thank the scholar who posts in the darkest corners of the wrestling internet as "fan70s":

    "Leo challenged at least five World Champions:

    1)Oct 28/1975 Halifax Form, Nova Scotia, Jack Brisco N. W. A. - best two out of three falls, Leo Burke wins the only fall off the match.

    2) 1976 Maritime circuit (one week tour),Terry Funk N. W. A.. - July 7 at Halifax Form, Funk gets disqualified. (I don't have the results from the other six matches, but Funk left with his belt!)

    3) July 13th 1978 Regina, AB Harley Race N. W. A.
    July 14th 1978 Calgary, AB Harley Race N. W. A.
    July 15th 1978 Edmonton, AB Harley Race N. W. A.

    4) April 22/83 Calgary, AB, Nick Bockwinkle A. W. A.- Leo Burke loses due to interference by David Schultz. (This match was shown as a flashback, by Stampede Wrestling in 1999 or 2000)

    5) July 3, 1984 Halifax Form, Nova Scotia, Rick Martel A. W. A. - best two out of three falls, Leo Burke wins the only fall off the match. As I recall, after the match, Dillon & Nagasaki entered the ring, Dillon had claimed he should have been the one getting the title shot, he and Nagasaki attacked Martel, and Burke went to Martel's aid."

    Again that is all lifted from "fan70s" to whom all praise and glory.

    Also let me say again that I love you and I am sorry.