2010 ROYAL RUMBLE

BECAUSE I AM ONE OF THE BUSIEST AND MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE EVER I put the 2010 Royal Rumble undercard on while I was doing other equally necessary things like cleaning the bathroom and also the kitchen and honestly I think this was a good call for reasons other than just time management because while the matches were on the whole totally OK they were not that great and also the backstage bits were beyond horrible this year with the exception of the part where Chris Jericho can be overheard in conversation with the Big Show calling the Atlanta fans "gelatinous tapeworms" which is a pretty slick diss imo. 


The show opened with Christian successfully defending his ECW Heavyweight Championship against Ezekiel Jackson who was accompanied to the ring by his mentor William Regal who was soon thereafter barred from ringside. Christian is at his best when he is bouncing all over the place for a dude with choice power moves and a genuine ability to clubber and Jackson it would seem has both and so this match was actually pretty cool and ended with a "Killswitch" which is an infinitely better name than the "Unprettier" for a "clean finish" in the middle of the squared circle however a quick trip to wikipedia to examine the history of the ECW "strap" after Matt Striker mentioned that the last time that title changed hands in Atlanta it went to Vince McMahon (lol EEE CEE DUB EEE CEE DUB) revealed that Christian would lose the title to Jackson only a month later at which point the whole thing got cancelled. HOWEVER they mentioned that Christian had been the champion for like six months heading into this match so without having seen a minute of it I would venture that it probably wasn't terrible television but again not a single minute.


Then Theodore Long demanded an impromptu defense of The Miz's United States Heavyweight Championship against MVP whom the Miz had apparently been ducking of late and this one was fine and ended with an inside cradle out of *nowhere* and then the Miz verbally abused his foe until MVP was compelled to respond physically. The high point of this fine but not awesome match came when I was reminded of the very existence of the ballin' elbow drop of which you can see a tiny example here:

The women's title match was the culmination of an apparently longstanding "feud" in which champion Michelle McCool who is I believe southern and her pal Layla who might well be English taunted Mickie James for getting story line heavy and maybe irl heavy idk and called her "Piggy James" and I think I remember there being a lot of talk about this one because it was sort of a stupid idea. Maybe I heard about it on Meltzer's podcast or something. Anyway the match itself was nothing, a quick win for James and then all the various lady wrestlers got into the ring and smooshed cake all over the villains. 


S(h)eamus defended his WWE Championship in kind of a plodding match against Randy Orton and I really like both guys but this was not the best you will see from either of them. It's not that they were dogging it or anything; there just wasn't much that stood out at all here although the end was I guess a pretty big story line change for Randy Orton as in the end Cody Rhodes inadvertently got Orton disqualified despite having specifically been told not to be at ringside at all and while this was going on Orton had in fact just hit the RKO so the title might well have been his! This led to I guess the disintegration of "Legacy" before our very eyes ladies and gentlemen as Dibiase the Younger came out two and Orton beat them both down for a while until Sheamus had regained himself and then met Orton with a BROGUE KICK and let me tell you that when I was recently at a "house" show at the historic Halifax Forum where Leo Burke once wrestled National Wrestling Alliance Champion Harley Race to a sixty-minute draw the second coolest move of the night aside from Orton's RKO out of NOWHERE on Christian coming of the middle rope was totally Sheamus' Brogue Kick on Wade Barrett because it was sick as in siiiiiiiiiiiiiick bro.


The best of the undercard matches was probably Rey Mysterio challenging the Undertaker for the World Heavyweight Championship and it was very much as you'd expect in that it was Mysterio doing all kinds of cool stuff bouncing off of things and sometimes it would land and thus damage the Undertaker in a minimal kind of way and other times the Undertaker would catch him and ruin him. But I mean these two guys know what they are doing out there and so it all looked really good and the finish involved not one but two 619s ("That's like 12-2-18!" -- M. Striker) and a "West Coast Pop" countered into a "Last Ride" from about a mile up and the Undertaker's face was all busted up from something that went awry somewhere along the line and you can't complain about any of that. Yeah this was definitely the best of the night and while it would not be at all fair to say that it was the best of a bad lot or anything it's just that all of the matches were totally OK but nothing was in any way remarkable or anything to the extent where I would at all be like "hey watch this one" but at the same time there was no point during the undercard where you would at all be like "let's get this over with" except for I guess the Women's Championship match contested over body image issues or whatever.


OK THEN ROYAL RUMBLE TIME and the last time we were in Atlanta for one of these it was 2002 was it not and arguably the best Royal Rumble match ever occurred and Triple H was like *RWWWWWAAAAAAAAAARRRRHHHHHHHRRRRRR* and he won! Once again let me say that I do not enjoy the Raw ring announcer who I believe is Justin Roberts. HEY ALRIGHT IT IS DOLPH ZIGGLER and he is as you may know something of a show off and I fuckin love that there is a modern guy whose wrestling character is that he is a showoff; that is exactly the kind of thing a wrestling character needs to be imo. Let's not over think this, right? They were like "nobody likes a showoff so let's make a guy a showoff and everyone will be like BOOOOOOO" and they were *right.* Evan Bourne is number two and he is tiny! He does a lot of cool moves and I have enjoyed his AIR BOOM tag team with Koffi Kingston but I am not all that into Evan Bourne at least not like I am into Dolph Ziggler who is awesome and lol OK we just got Ziggler's finisher and Bourne's "shooting star press" within like thirty seconds of each other which doesn't make all that much sense unless these guys aren't sticking around long but whatever man it owned. Next in is CM PUNK YEEEEEEEEEEAH and he eliminates both guys so quickly that he has time to get on the microphone and give an sXe sermon and it's pretty awesome and I find his rhetoric compelling and as the clock winds down he looks down at his wrist tape as though it were a wristwatch in the mode of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and he goes "excuse me; it's clobberin' time" and it is really cool. Serena is out with him by the way. I listened to an interview Punk did with noted mixed martial arts journalist Ariel Helwani and Punk talked about how it sucks kind of that he won't actually be in the Royal Rumble match itself this year since that has been his favourite match since forever and yeah me too Chick Magnet me too. WTF he was a three-time World Champion already? Things move fast in this our modern wrestling age. JTG of Cryme Tyme is in next and lol OK he lasts about twenty seconds before he goes out over the ring post and the sermon resumes until the Great Khali comes out and Punk attempts to convert him like "Great Khali, I can make you greater . . . " however Khali puts him in THE VICE until BETH PHOENIX comes out making her only the second woman in Royal Rumble history as well you know. Khali just scoops her up and sets her on the apron and tells her to leave but Phoenix kisses him to generate *kuzushi* or unbalancing and she pulls him over and out and Matt Striker is like "NEVER TRUST A WOMAN" but I think that is too broad a conclusion to draw from this isolated incident of duplicity.


oh man "The Glamazon" absolutely fuckin *buries* Punk with a clothesline but he hits the "Go To Sleep" and puts her out over the top however I think Phoenix busted Punk up a little with that clothesline lol. Zack Ryder is in and out in like thirty seconds and Punk is back on the mic like "LET ME RIIIIIISE" and this is really good so far particularly if you are like totally a dude of CM Punk. TIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAAAAAAAME as Hunter Hearst Helmsley is next and he is a co-holder of the Unified Tag Team Championship and honestly it is about time they unified those because it had just been silly if I may say so. A cool little stare down follows and then these two have about a minute of an awesome match until Intercontinental Champion and dude I have a really hard time giving a shit about Drew McIntyre slowly ambles to the ring and I should like a guy with that cool a finisher in WWE All Stars way more than I do but the heart wants what it wants.and OH SHIT CM PUNK IS OUT he went for the "Go to Sleep" after an escape from the Pedigree but Triple H shrugged him off and hooked a leg and *woop* there goes Punk! That whole Punk deal was one of the best "first-third-or-so"s in any of these Royal Rumbles for sure. DiBiase is in next and he and McIntyre team up on Triple H and as a dude from where I am from I am pretty into McIntyre's St. Andrew's Cross-themed ring gear but idk it isn't enough. John Morrison is in at number eleven and I guess he had a bunch of matches with McIntyre lately so they pair off for a bit. STARSHIP PAIN STARSHIP PAIN and that is maybe my favourite name for a move ever idk why. *BWOOOOOOOOOOOOF* it is KANE and he comes in with a clothesline from the top rope on Triple H and soon thereafter he double chokeslams Morrison and McIntyre and then Triple H is chokeslammed also and yeah everybody is getting wrecked here. Cody Rhodes is in next and once again I think this guy is totally great. Morrison comes at him with a springboard thing off the ropes and Rhodes catches him with a dropkick which is really one of the only ways I can get into dropkicks tbh. MVP in at fourteen OR IS HE as The Miz has just laid him out from behind with the United States Championship belt and the belts really are the best foreign objects. Morrison hits his kick off the ropes on McIntyre and I am pretty into so it is not like *kicks* that I am not into just drop ones.


We've got Carlito in at number fifteen and this one is going pretty quickly and so far I have liked it! Morrison just did a cool thing where he over-rotated on a Carlito monkey-flip out of the corner and OH SHIT "Backstabber"s to Triple H, McIntyre and DiBiase and Matt Striker is like "at some point wouldn't you stop throwing punches if you Carlito doing that to three different guys" SHUT UP MATT STRIKER THEY SHOULD NEVER STOP EVER. Here is the Miz legitimately this time and oh OK here comes MVP and they both tumble out over the top rope and brawl on the outside and that looked intense! Good job guys! And now it is "the heart and soul of Friday Night Smackdown Matt Hardy" lol OK sure what do I know aaaaaaaahahahahaha Kane got him after like ten seconds but then Triple H pushed Kane out from behind and it is SPINEBUSTERS to maybe four guys in a row which I totally endorse. Shawn Michaels is in next and they should never make him run because he looks eighty when he runs but once he gets there he is of course awesome and he tosses Carlito out hugely and then gets Rhodes and DiBiase and then he kips up and holy shit he is baaaaaaald at this point and there goes Morrison as well. Triple H is on a bad "wheel" after a Drew McIntyre chop block a minute ago but he gets his shit together and he and HBK eliminate McIntyre with a clothesline AND HERE COMES CENA and yeah this is a really good Royal Rumble. Cena cleans house and delivers a TEN KNUCKLE SHUFFLE but as he tries got get Shawn Michaels up and over Triple H intervenes and puts Cena down with a Pedigree and then WOOOOOOOOOOAH SUPERKICK ON TRIPLE H AND HE IS OUT that was really cool and unexpected! 


Shelton Benjamin enters his fuckin eighth consecutive Royal Rumble if you can believe and lol yep there he goes. It took Cena like thirty seconds. He has got to have like the lowest average time in Royal Rumbles of anyone with enough appearances to qualify for the rumblemetric I have just proposed. YOSHI TATSU! lasts like a second! Cena got him too. So the Shawn Michaels story here is about how badly he wants to face the Undertaker at Wrestlemania for the second year in a row and that is actually a pretty good story imo. The Big Show comes out next and Cena has a great hands-on-knees "well-fuck-me" aspect about him and DO IT HBK AND CENA YOU ARE SO CLOSE OK no not really the Big Show is still in there and this is really good with these three. FUCK YEAH MARK HENRY and holy cow we are up to number twenty-three. Michaels and Cena are just laying around as the Big Show and Henry GET AFTER IT in the middle of the ring and lol after Mark Henry scoop slams the Big Show very impressively John Cena tries to get Mark Henry up for the "Attitude Adjustment" but collapses under his girth in a cool way. Chris Masters is in next and he fires Shawn Michaels into the corner and he does that rad upside turnbuckle thing that one most associates with him but a Masterlock attempt on Mark Henry goes awry and he is out in short order WOOOOOAHH YEEEEEEEEEEAH R-TRUE COMES IN AND DUMPS BOTH HENRY AND THE BIG SHOW AT THE SAME TIME YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHH they were totally tied up with each other in the corner and R-Truth is wilding out here ladies and gentlemen this is *awesome.* 


JACK SWAGGER lol he has this like fox in the hen house look on his face as he races to the ring and he hits dudes with that splash he does out of the corner and then it is a suplex and an OKLAHOMA STAMPEDE and yes this is the best guy right here this is Jack Swagger and DID HE GET HBK no I guess he did not. Kofi Kingston is in at lucky number twenty-seven and unsurprisingly he comes in with a cross body of the top rope and is like BOOM DROP on Swagger but Swagger has him up and OH NEAT a bodyscissors elimination of Jack Swagger by Kofi Kingston good stuff Kofi and lol now a headscissors on R-TRUTH. 


EVIL JERICHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO is a guy I think should totally win the Royal Rumble even though you can totally see him calling everything with John Cena right now in a way that is surprisingly glaring and a little distracting tbh. Top-rope elbow from Michaels on Jericho and man that is a sweet move. Kingston hit his cool kick on HBK but then Cena sent him flying out and to the floor and Jericho hit Cena with the Codebreaker in a great sequence zrrrrrrrrrrrn *you think you know me* BADADADADADADADADADADAADADADADAAA ON THIS DAAAAAAY IT IS EDGE IN A SURPRISE RETURN AND JERICHO IS OUT and this is awesome OK in at number thirty is Batista so that's your final four: Edge, Batista, Cena, and Shawn Michaels. Batista is laying dudes out as you would expect but the crowd doesn't actually give a shit about him either way at this point and they are right and he gets speared and then everybody is down for a minute. Top-rope HBK elbows on Cena and Batista and now the band is being warmed up ladies and gentlemen and yep Cena eats one and yep Batista gets another one and then EDGE CLOTHESLINES HBK over but they are both on the apron *not* the floor and HBK superkicks Edge back in which is REALLY cool and then Batista runs over and knocks Michaels from the apron to the floor and that was AWESOME and Shawn Michaels is a man whose dream has been crushed friends and he reenters the ring and superkicks a referee who is in there to try to get him out and he is doing a really good job of looking totally beside himself but not in rage exactly just like total and complete disappointment. GOOD STUFF SHAWN MICHAELS WAY TO WRESTLE AND EVERYTHING.


So it is Edge and the dudes who botched the 2005 Royal Rumble maybe *or maybe not* depending on how you read those strange events and Cena has just pulled the rope down on a charging Batista so it is just Cena and Edge in fact! OH SHIT EDGE PUTS CENA OUT LIKE RIGHT AWAY AND THAT'S IT EDGE WINS IT COOL AS HELL I HAD NO IDEA THAT THIS EVER HAPPENED except oh yeah doesn't he end up wrestling for the title at Wrestlemania but in the opening match or something weird like that? Anyway that was a REALLY GOOD Royal Rumble after kind of a mediocre undercard but who really cares man that Royal Rumble was GOOD.