1993 ROYAL RUMBLE

WE ALL AGREE that the 1992 Royal Rumble was the best one so far by like a million miles and there isn't any reason to think that the 1993 ROYAL RUMBLE was actually just as good but we just all sort of forgot so we have to be realistic in our expectations here I guess.


There's a lot less WELCOME TO THE ROYAL RUMBLE and video montages and stuff like that before this one; we pretty much get right to our opening contest which pits Beau and Blake the Beverly Brothers against the Steiners who I always always always forget were ever in the WWF for even a second. Scott Steiner is awesome early on with an arm wringer that becomes an ude garami or top wrist lock or "americana" up top and then an outside trip which is a really cool combination to do but all I can think about at the moment is the Steiner Screwdriver and how much I hope to see it. Apparently we're going to get Shawn Michaels defending his Intercontinental Championship against former partner Marty Jannetty and I totally remembered and could have told you without Gorilla Monsoon telling me that Bret "Hitman" Hart will defend his World Wrestling Federation championship against Razor Ramon because there was this awesome promo that Razor did for this that I saw a million times on the ppv preview channel where he was like "you see what I did to your brother; now you gonna see what I gonna do to you, Hitmeng, when I get you in tha ring Tha Ring THA RING." Holy shit belly to belly suplex from the future Big Poppa Pump and it's rad. I've got no problem with longish tag-team matches to open the annual Royal Rumble pay per view. There is an ICO PRO banner hanging from the rafters.


The Dog-Faced Gremlin hits one of the Beverlies with a pretty sick release German suplex but then like seconds later somehow they have Scott up one dude's shoulders as though they were going to do the Road Warrior's finisher but Scott turns that shit into a victory roll and while he doesn't get the one-two-three he does so moments later with a pretty sick Frankensteiner that plants a dude right on the top of his head lol this is unsafe. Heenan telestrates aspects of the finish.


Video package with "Mean" Gene narration! THEY WERE TAG-TEAM SPECIALISTS . . . and then a superkick and a window and that all seems like it was so long ago AAAAAAAAAHAHAHA they have a clip of HBK pimping and preening into a mirror held by the again strangely compelling Sherri Martel and Jannetty comes through the crowd and hits the ring wearing an all-over print Guns 'N' Roses t-shirt and jeans tucked into his cowboy boots and holy shit he inadvertently cleans Sherri's clock with the mirror; this sounds awesome but is in fact *really* awesome. Sherri Martel is in a neutral corner as we are told that Michaels never even sent Sherri a card while she was in the hospital which is pretty cold *if true.* And here's Michaels and his theme as sung by Sherri was way better. If you have not been playing WWE ALL STARS you have probably not seen Shawn Michael's alternate attire in that amazing game which is a red getup and puffy hair from this era and it's a huge improvement over the default which is old half-bald guy in camo and a D-X shirt.


Boy the times have certainly changed in the year since our last Royal Rumble if you've got Intercontinental Champion Shawn Michaels and World Wrestling Federation Champion Bret "Hitman" Hart, don't you? It is not as though huge thundering dudes are nowhere to be seen and forever a relic and thing of the past -- I am pretty sure this is the one Yokozuna wins, for instance, and that is an excellent thing that I am very much looking forward to -- but in a way this is perhaps the first Royal Rumble show under, like, modern conditions or whatever. 


lol ok:


"Marty Jannetty is not a dummy, Brain."


"I think he is; that's good enough for me."


hahahahaha *classic*


Jannetty and Michaels are having a perfectly good match, as you would expect, and Michaels is working over Jannetty's shoulder and sends him shoulder-first into the post outside and Heenan is like "now his coat will fit funny" and really Heenan is untouchable out there and actually I guess he himself thought himself untouchable to such an extent that that time that guy literally touched him on WCW THURSDAY NIGHT THUNDER he swore. You might expect these former Rockers to totally work a zippity-dip-doo fast-paced affair but Michaels is just grinding away at Jannetty's shoulder and Marty struggles to work his way back into this contest and the capacity crowd at the Arco Arena seem to be enjoying this although probably not in a way they would have exactly expected. Throughout it all, Sherri remains in a neutral corner and reveals her innermost wrestling valet thoughts and desires to no man even as Jannetty begins a COME ON BABY YEAH CAN YOU FEEL IT comeback. Oh, OK then: Michaels takes a suplex from the inside to the floor; he turns to Sherri for succour, and he finds none! Sherri slaps him! Jannetty sends him into the corner and Michaels does the corner flip thing and Jannetty is going to town. OH SHIT SUPERKICK FROM JANNETTY but it is only for two. There are like a half-dozen near falls here and they are pretty exciting. The referre is brushed and acts as though he has been murdered; Sherri tries to hit Shawn with her shoe but nails Jannetty instead; an HBK superkick ends it. A totally good match! 


The next match could totally have been good because it was between Bam Bam Bigelow and the Big Bossman however aside from one pretty terrific spill out over the top by the Bossman they decided to not to do anything cool or even reasonable here. Bam Bam spent several minutes holding the Bossman in the waist lock. On the the ground. It sucked quite a lot. Your winner is Bigelow but I don't care.


I am pretty excited about this World Wrestling Federation Championship bout, though, as tires squeal and we are shown interview footage and lol I had forgotten they used Raymond Rougeau to do interviews and it's not like was particularly poor it just seems awfully random. "Mean" Gene Okerlund reminds us that Bret "Hitman" Hart is a fighting champion who has made many title defenses since Saskatoon -- including a solid match against IC Champion Shawn Michaels at Survivor Series 1992 I believe -- but speculates that this is no ordinary title defense but instead personal and Bret Hart agrees! His awesome entrance music begins and we see him from both sides of the curtain which is always pretty cool. Man the Hitman looks ready to go here and he opens up his jacket and does the OH SHIT LOOK AT THIS FUCKIN BELT thing. Stu and Helen Hart are at ringside as is a little dude to whom Bret gives his sunglasses and extremely awesomely Razor flicks his toothpick at the same kid which is an excellent touch.


The bout opens as a slugfest which I suppose we should have expected given the personal nature of this confrontation but this type of bout obviously favours the challenger who is the bigger and rougher man so it would behoove Hart to take a more *scientific* approach and yeah that is what happens as he works Ramon's leg and then holy cow it is a figure-four leglock early on! Unsurprisingly that does not end the match as Ramon reaches the ropes. Heenan speculates that Razor's legs are too long for Hart to successfully apply the sharpshooter but we'll just see about that. Hart slips to the outside and drags the fallen Ramon to the corner by his ankle and if this were 1997 Bret Hart it would be ring post figure-four time but alas we are years from that. lol Heenan says "Stu Hart was telling me something earlier today and it went ERR AAAAH ERR AAAHH ERRR" and Gorilla asked WOULD YOU STOP? and it was funny because it had the ring of truth. 


The tide has turned as Razor reverses an irish whip into the corner and the Hitman slides along the mat and wraps his back around the post. Remember when Jim Cornette "shot" on the members of the nWo and said that Scott Hall was the only good wrestler among them and that's all he was, pretty good? He was actually *really* good, I think. I thought that then and think that now. He just did that fall-away slam thing which is a great move. Here is something I sill say against Hall, though: I saw him do that OK HERE WE GO RAZOR'S EDGE OH SHIT ACTUALLY MY KNEE IS WOBBLING AND NOW I WILL DEPRIVE YOU OF A COOL FINISH spot a few too many times including at a house show where I was so fucking jacked up to see the Razor's Edge you have no idea, and I was left walking out with a foam razor blade and bitter disappointment. 


The Hitman takes a sternum-first turnbuckle that was really cool but you can't help but think about Slaughter's unreal sternum first elimination in the previous year's Royal Rumble match and think how that was better than any other turnbuckle spot of any kind. Razor settles into an abdominal stretch for a while but then Hart reverses it but then Razor reverses THAT into a hip toss and I am enjoying the heck out of this totally professional bout of professional wrestling. A Bret Hart sunset flip is countered into a sit-out for two countered into a Bret Hart pinning predicament for another two. It's better than it sounds. Razor continues to work the champion's ribs with a bear hug, catching Hart coming off the ropes. Hart, desperate, gets out of it with a bite to the face, and after dumping Razor outside dives through the middle and top ropes. He puts Razor in the corner for five mounted punches and the treacherous Earl Hebner separates the combatants only for Bret to climb back up for another five. Razor is awesome at staggering around punch drunk in this way that is totally cartoonish but which does not clown the other guy, which is a fine line. Inverted atomic drop, backbreaker, clothesline from the second turnbuckle for two. Bulldog from the corner for two. Side Russian leg sweep for two. If you are like *yawn pre-DICT-able* then fuck you.


SHARPSHOOTER ATTEMPT SHARPSHOOTER ATTEMPT but Hall grabs the refere who gets all tied up in it and so Razor escapes and goes back on the offensive, lifting Hart to the top rope presumably for like a backdrop of some kind but Hart elbows him and then rolls down over Hall back-to-back and hits a backdrop of his own HOWEVER he is caught coming off the second rope with a boot to the jaw and THE CHAMPION IS POSITIONED FOR THE RAZOR'S EDGE BUT HE COUNTERS TO A BACKSLIDE FOR a very close two but once both men are back to their feet it is Razor who again has the advantage as Hart is fired into the corner. With Bret out of it and on his knees Razor messes up his hair and slaps him around which is pretty cool and then he takes a firm "Greco-Roman knuckle lock" against his kneeling opponent as though to further degrade him but Hart counters somewhat awkwardly into a pinning predicament that Hebner does not anticipate and so it looks a little shittier than it has to as he lumbers into position for the count but in the scramble that ensues on the ground Bret wraps up the long legs of "The Bad Guy" and rolls him over and as he rises to his feet it is very much a SHARPSHOOTER and your winner and STILL World Wrestling Federation champion and the best wrestler ever is Bret "Hitman" Hart and fuck everybody man literally everybody.


And now Bobby "The Brain" Heenan is saddled with MCing the elaborate introduction of the Narcissist Lex Luger and it is horrendous: "Don't tease us, Lex, don't tease us: SHOW US . . . YOU HAVE A REASON TO LOVE YOURSELF" etc. Let's see if I can find this on youtube here just a sec . . .


yeah here it is:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozEB38XueRA


The only guy more into Lex Luger than Bobby Heenan is in this bit is of course the great Regis Philbin:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixeSiEJvwQg


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KVwhckSpiU&feature=related


"THIS IS KINDA WEIRD TO HAVE A MAN SHOW YOU HIS BODY BUT HE REALLY DOES HAVE GREAT ABS" etc


(my favourite part is when Lex and Regis and Kathy Lee pretend to be in an airplane! and Regis gets frustrated with how Lex keeps repeating himself and then he calls him Rex by mistake but clearly doesn't give a fuck because he is Regis Philbin)


Anyway Luger describes himself as "mesomorphically magnificent" which is pretty awesome however on the whole he is the worst and honestly I can't help but hold him partially responsible for the untimely death of the lovely Miss Elizabeth face down in a plate of food at his house. 


Hey it is a proclamation from Caesar and Cleopatra personally inviting us all to Wrestlemania IX at Ceasar's palace in what is iirc a pretty shitty Wrestlemania except for how the Undertaker gets chloroformed and how it was neat that it was outdoors. The Hogan nonsense at the end of Wrestlemania IX was and will forever remain some unforgivable bullshit to me. 


AND IT IS TIME FOR THE ROOOOOOOOYAL RUMBLE AND WHO HAS HAD THE TREMENDOUS MISFORTUNE TO DRAW NUMBER ONE IT IS THE NATURE BOY RIC FLAIR but after last year's incredible performance who could doubt his ability to win it all again? Certainly not this (wrestling) observer. Ric Flair's hair is considerably longer this year than last and it's a big improvement. At number two it is another former champion, Bob Backlund! He is making a comeback at age 43 and he is seriously awesome: not yet in full-on demented Bob Backlund mode, he is just, like, kind of minorly demented in a way that is lovable and also he has this weird body and a way of carrying himself physically that makes him look like a man-sized toddler of some kind. In at number three is Papa Shango but he sucks and so he is eliminated almost immediately by Flair who sneaks up from behind. Papa Shango --> Kama Mustafa --> The Godfather, right? 


DiBiase is in at number four, and his run of totally bad luck in the draw continues, I guess. This does not auger well for Backlund. Yeah he gets worked over pretty good actually. Nasty Boy Saggs is in next and apparently the Nasty Boys were "fan favourites" at this time and "feuded" with Money Inc. so he goes right after DiBiase so we've got Bob Backlund and Ric Flair in one corner and Saggs and DiBiase in the other in what is kind of a flat opening to the Rumble, really. Wrestling Superstar Virgil is in next and so DiBiase bounces around for him for a little while. Saggs tries to take advantage of DiBiase in his weakened state but ends up sailing over the top himself as DiBiase bails out. I hope DiBiase sticks around for a while in this one. Last year he went out way too quickly for my taste. 


Jerry "The King" Lawler is out next and I never cared for him because all he knows is punching and having a dumb body. Well his piledriver owns but look I'm just not a Memphis guy in the least. He and Flair mix it up until Flair rolls out under the bottom rope to compose himself. Max Moon is in and I have no memory of this wrestler but he looks like one of the palette-swapped Mortal Kombat characters but not a good one, like he is Cyborg and Sektor's buddy. 


Hey cool, it's Tenryu! He and Flair chop each other in the corner a bunch of times and then we get a Flair flop! DiBiase is next to exchange chops with Tenryu and although I too yell "woooo!" when I am at wrestling I'm really not that much of a chop enthusiast and yet even I am really enjoying these particular chops. Mr. Perfect is in next and the crowd roars its approval as Heenan yells NO NO NO NO and everyone just kind of chills out in various corners while Perfect and Flair show everyone else how it is you wrestle professionally for a minute. Apparently we are only one night away from a loser-leaves-town match between Perfect and Flair? I think I remember that, now that Gorilla Monsoon mentions it. Here's Skinner, and if there is a decent story about him in the Bret Hart book, I still can't remember it. Oh hey Mr. Perfect just eliminated Ric Flair! The crowd is pretty impressed by this.  Virgil holds Lawler up for somebody to hit him but nobody does.


Koko B. Ware is next and he has the worst pants I have ever seen, like even worse than Mabel's eventual pants. I am told that Koko is now a member of "High Engery" which suggests to me that it is the team he had with Owen Hart and it looks like the High Energy aesthetic owes much to the New Foundation's interest in flourescent bagginess and checkerboard accent. Skinner "skins the cat" only to be eliminated a mere breath later by a Mr. Perfect dropkick. One of the Headshrinkers is next, and I think they are calling him "Samu." Afa leads him to the ring by his hair. Samoans are pretty excellent and speaking of that fine people I kind of can't wait for Umaga vs. John Cena which is totally a match that happened at a Royal Rumble.


The Berzerker who I believe is shoot named John Nord is next. OH SHIT a big Mr. Perfect back body drop eliminates Lawler but then DiBiase puts Perfect over but not out and Perfect manages to flail around and drop to the apron and fight to get back up in the most compelling way you can imagine and then Lawler pulls him to the floor as DiBiase and Ware work on him from the inside. lol Lawler is caught giving a total "hey fuck you" arm to somebody in the crowd just as the grey-gloved Undertaker walks through the curtain. Not sure how this developed but the Berzerker just nailed Backlund with a chair on the outside. The Undertaker eliminates Samu and Tenryu ("Sayonara!" -- B. Heenan) in short order. Here comes "Terrific" Terry Taylor which is a way better ring name than The Red Rooster but he gets tied up with Koko B Ware along the ropes and both men get dumped out by DiBiase and holy smokes the Undertaker just threw DiBiase out! This is a pretty good run by the Undertaker here. He's in there with the Berzerker until just this second because the Berzerker is out so it's just the Undertaker and honestly I don't know if Backlund is still just laying on the floor outside but is still in this thing or not. Giant Gonzalez appears and I guess he is a mystery of some kind at this point? WHO IS THIS MAN, BRAIN? IS THAT HARVEY WIPPLEMAN WHO IS WITH HIM? He is wearing the furry suit with muscles drawn on to it and he chops the Undertaker over the top after a brief staredown and then he steps out over the top rope after him. I suppose this is sewing the seeds of future chloroformings so that's cool but it is also a very real sign that much of this stuff is going to be pretty shitty for a while . . . Apparently he is not an official entrant in the Rumble, this giant of a man. Damian Demento, who is the next contestant proper, refuses to enter the ring. IRS's number comes up, too, but the only thing that is really happening is El Gigante in a body suit laying into the Undertaker. It's not great TV. lol OK so Backlund was totally still just hanging out on the floor I guess because here he is back in the ring with IRS and Demento (who is kind of like the Missing Link I guess?). Tatanka is in now. Paul Bearer comes to ringside and revives the Undertaker by saying "THE POWER OF THE URN THE POWER OF THE URN" and I like the Undertaker as much as the next guy but this is stupid and I hate it.


Knobbs! Knobbs! Knobbs! Man this is quite a collection in here: Backlund, Demento, The Undefeated Native American Tatanka, IRS, and Knobbs. Looking at this distinguished group it occurs to me that I don't think I noted when Max Moon was eliminated and so I have failed you in that respect and I'm sorry. I have no idea when that happened. Typhoon comes out and Heenan is like "Tugboat, Typhoon, Tugphoon, whatever." This is not a very good Royal Rumble right now and I mean that not just in comparison to the majesty of the previous year's match but instead in absolute terms. Fatu is in next and he has the biggest ass in the world and he's pretty cool.  


Yeah this Royal Rumble is almost a complete butt thus far and I am going to need to see Yokozuna in here wreacking dudes shortly or I don't even know man. It's Earthquake, and lol Heenan asks if the sound we here as the clock runs down is the horn or Monsoon blowing his nose. Sacre bleu though man this sucks. Typhoon takes a run at Earthquake in the corner for whatever reason but goes out over the top.


Who the fuck is this OOOH ok it is Carlos Colon that is why I have no idea who this is. This right now is by far the least I have been interested in any of these Royal Rumbles so far. Honestly I am wondering about who eliminated Max Moon more than I am thinking about the action at hand. Colon just eliminated Demento who yeah that is totally a Missing Link haircut on that guy, absolutely. 


Yep a motley fuckin crew out there: Earthquake, Knobbs, Tatanka, Earthquake, IRS, Colon, Backland and now EL MATADOOOOOOOOR but not Fatu who is out. Will Rick Martel, who has just joined the match, go straight for Tito? Yes he does, and I salute him for this ongoing commitment to a years-old fake fighting grudge. IRS dives out over the top after somehow missing Earthquake. At this point the crowd seems to be most into Backlund, who Heenan just characterized as a spider monkey. 


OK HERE WE GO IS IS TIME FOR YOKOZUNA TO SQUISH THE HELL OUT OF PEOPLE AND TOSS THEM OVER THE TOP AND YELL BONZAI DESPITE BEING SAMOAN IT IS TIME also lol he is wearing white in what can only be an attempt to look bigger, right? There goes Tatanka and Carlos Colon and now Earthquake is like LET'S DO THIS and Yokozuna is more than willing. Owen Hart darts into the ring but whatever man we are watching Yokozuna and the Earthquake right now and Yokozuna basically belly-to-belly hoists Earthquake over the top and while I wouldn't exactly characterize it as a suplex and it was pretty fucking rad. Now that things have settled back down a little we can get a good look at Owen's pants and they are not good.


Yokozuna tosses Tito next oh wait Tito is back in my apologies and your THIRTIETH AND FINAL ENTRANT IN THE 1993 ROYAL RUMBLE IS . . . the repo man. Yokozuna should Banzai Drop a guy so hard that shockwaves are sent throughout the ring and everyone else is sent hurtling over the top rope but it doesn't look like how they have booked it. Now everybody is ganging up on Yokozuna and by "everyone" I mean Tito, Owen, Repo Man, Martel, Knobs, and Backlund. Oh wait Gorilla actually kind of blew it because that was not the thirtieth entrant, the actual thirtieth man in is MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE which is a different story entirely and in fact a pretty cool one.


Yokozuna tosses Tito, Owen Hart dropkicks Knobbs over the top and then "skins the cat" and then seriously flies outside at the hands of Yokozuna, and Savage eliminates Repo Man. Our final four then are Backlund, Martel, Yokozuna and Savage, and that's not bad at all, actually. Backlund has been in there sixty-one minutes, only a minute shy of Ric Flair's record (set just last year as well you know). Martel is knocked from the top turnbuckle to the floor below by a Backlund right hand and surely by now the record is his SURELY. Yokozuna has just been leaning into Savage in the corner but now turns his attention to Backlund for like a second and that is all it takes to eliminate him and the crowd cared more about that elimination than any in like forty-five minutes. Backlund really won the crowd over with his oddly compelling spider monkey performance here.


So we're down to Savage and Yokozuna and Savage is still in the phase where he's pretty much covered up entirely and it's a neon green tassled thing with purple and violet and it is not a look that has aged well. Savage gains the upper hand against his hammy foe with a series of those cool little jabs he does and then he nails the DOUBLE AX HANDLE FROM THE TOP ROPE not once but twice which finally puts Yokozuna to a single knee for the first time in the match but when Savage comes off the ropes a moment later he is reverse thrust kicked and then belly-to-bellied to the mat and let me tell you OH SHIT LEG DROP this Yokozuna is the real deal and also who could stop him? Mr. Fuji is looking pretty smug out there and also pretty sharp in his tasteful kimono. I wonder if they are going to do anything spectacular here for the final elimination or just kind of end it? Huge butt-avalanche in the corner not once but twice NO THE MACHO MAN HAS MOVED OUT OF THE WAY AND HOLY SHIT TOP ROPE ELBOW but as though out of instinct he goes for the cover and lol Yokozuna presses him up and out and over with the kickout in what was in fact a GREAT final elimination actually and I don't know how I could have ever forgotten about that. OUTSTANDING. Caesar and Cleopatra are back on the scene as Yokozuna has won the right to face World Wrestling Federation Champion Bret "Hitman" Hart at Wrestlemania IX!


So I guess you would say that this was on the whole a fairly shitty Royal Rumble match redeemed at least somewhat by the awesomness of Yokozuna, and Randy Savage in keeping with his truest self really delivered at the end. The undercard definitely had its moments, with the Steiners nearly killing a man, Michaels and Janetty working a solid match that ended with Sherri in hysterics and "Mean" Gene yelling DAMN IT WOMAN CALM DOWN which was incredible actually, and although Bigelow/Bossman was a complete butt the title match between Hart and Razor Ramon was totally totally totally good. As the show ends we are shown stills of some of the evening's most dramatic happenings and then we get live footage from the LOCKER ROOM AREA that shows Yokozuna and Fuji posing for photographs and Bret Hart comes in and just kind of holds the belt up in front of them in an entirely cool way. 


I kind of want to watch Wrestlemania IX now but I have to stay focused here or there is no way I get through these before January 29th and that is seriously my goal.


ONWARD AND UPWARD WITH THE ARTS