Tuesday 31 January 2012

2002 ROYAL RUMBLE


THIS DOESN'T REALLY MAKE ANY SENSE but even though I totally went to Wrestlemania XVIII or "X8" as it was styled at the time as part of a capacity crowd of 68 237 in Toronto's most lasting testament to what the 1980s thought the future would look that is to say SKYDOME and actually my brother and I totally had an amazing time there even though security in a post 9/11 world proved to be ridiculous and caused completely needless delays that got us to our seats just as the final Sunday Night Heat match which involved Mr. Perfect was concluding even though we got there more than an hour early but yeah totally still an *amazing* time and more importantly an amazing time *together* thank you for asking that is nice of you DESPITE ALL OF THIS I have never ever seen the 2002 Royal Rumble. Isn't that nuts? Let us correct his oversight together as it time for the ROYAL RUMBLE YEEEEAAAAAAHH


Our first sign that the world of professional wrestling as we have known it has been forever changed comes to us in the sepia-toned opening video package that offers us a succinct history of the Royal Rumble that does not shy away from names like Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair and Bret Hart which of course would have been VERBOTEN until lol Vince McMahon bought fuckin EVERYTHING for like basically no money at all. Again we are very much in a period where I was paying pretty much no attention to wrestling so I had no sense of just what kinds of depths WCW or perhaps wCw had sunk and I was completely unaware of their business situation of course so when I just heard in passing somebody talking about how WCW was done and McMahon had bought the whole thing I was just "lol ok" and kept on just not really watching wrestling as I had been doing for really quite some time but when Wrestlemania X8 was announced for Toronto right after I had moved there for grad school (I am *extremely* intelligent) I ended up going to fuckin Wrestlemania despite not knowing really anything that had happened in wrestling since idk maybe since Jericho debuted on Raw or something like that? And it was totally awesome and the best time.


AND THE ROAD TO THAT ONLY WRESTLEMANIA I HAVE EVER BEEN TO OR WILL EVER EVER GO TO BEGINS HERE IN ATLANTA WHICH YOU RECALL IS NOT TRADITIONALLY A WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION TOWN and our opening match is a TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP affair involving Tazz who is again wearing track pants and a cutoff shirt instead of tights and this is a terrible look for him and his partner is little Spike Dudley and they are in there against the Dudley Boys proper. They are accompanied by Stacy Kiebler years before she would prove far too good for any of this and I am not saying that with any kind of hurtful sarcasm or anything because if you could be on George Clooney's arm or at wrestling which would you choose? Be honest with me but more importantly with yourself. The match is mostly some beating up on Spike Dudley until Tazz could be *hot* tagged in and suplex everyone very impressively and then put Stacy Kiebler in the Tazzmission or KATA HA JIME briefly and then secure the hold on a *legal* participant in the match itself to secure victory and the Tag Team Championship belts. It was OK! 


Up next is Edge over-enun-ci-at-ing ev-er-y syl-la-ble and it lol it is torture. This should be a really good match though because it is an INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE bout between the challenger William Regal and the defending champion Edge who we think we know (him). Edge is really good at wrestling and by the end of it all I like him just fine but the long coat and the sunglasses and everything was just such a muddled look like a guy had just seen The Matrix and was like Neo is *awesome* or something but still wanted to keep his rock and roll hair and hey the referee in charge here is Nick Patrick who you will recall played a key role in how Starrcade 97 was a debacle. Regal has a thing going where he is busting everybody up with brass knuckles so you know watch out for that. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler talk about how Regal's nose has been broken a bunch of times recently and they also mentioned that Edge has of late unified the Intercontinental and United States titles which seem like two sensible titles to unify. Regal with a cool suplex! Really good crowd so far btw as a hearty REGAL SUCKS chant resounds. Cool suplex by Edge that Regal is like FUK U about as he turns it into a double-underhook power bomb and then attempts to pin him as though he were in tenderest love with him. Edge with a DDT on the apron and this match is pretty good so far and again the crowd is pretty good too, the kind of crowd that is like "nice vertical suplex guys!" rather than just being like *yawn* vertical suplex whatever. Regal hits a pretty killer release German suplex and then after Edge attempts an *Edgecution.* Regal counters with "stepover toehold facelock" and man I wish there was a more efficient way to communicate the name of that hold to you but alas my hands are tied. Edge escapes and applies a stepover toehold facelock of his own which as Lawler sugggests is perhaps the ultimate besmirchment! An attempted spear turns into a "ref bump" and true to form or so I am told Regal brass knuckles his way to victory and he is your NEW Intercontinental Champion but don't worry he loses it to Rob Van Dam in the very first match at Wrestlemania X8 and the thing I remember most vividly from that event thank you for your interest and your asking is the way it looked from my very much upper deck seats when RVD soared high above the ring for his *patented* five-star frog splash and thousands of camera flashes needlessly and ineffectually went off and it looked sooooooo cool! 


Next up is a Women's Championship match between the astoundingly mannish Jazz who I had completely forgotten and the defending champion Trish "The Dish" Stratus only that was not her nickname ever I don't think and our special guest referee is Jacqueline who has breast implants so gruesome that one wonders if she is actually just like really into body modification or something. Trish Stratus is wearing a stylish purple number and Lawler will not stop about "purple puppies" and Jim Ross is like "purple puppies indeed" but it is not an indignant "indeed" but more of a Mike Goldberg "indeed" if you know what I mean and remember when they tried to hire Mike Goldberg away from the Ultimate Fighting Championship but he didn't end up going because it would have ended his career as a broadcaster of football and hockey and real sports like that? What a weird episode that was. lol Jazz really is a basically a dude out there. Stratus hits her "Stratusfaction" bulldog but it is for not as Jazz kicks out and answers with a hard DDT but don't worry after another bulldog Trish prevails! I do not recall if she makes it to Wrestlemania as the champion nor do I remember the title match at that august event because it was the "cool down" match between Rock v. Hogan and the Unified Championship bout between Chris Jericho and Triple H so I went to get a t-shirt and also I believe I urinated.


And now it is time for a STREET FIGHT between Vince McMahon and Ric Flair and I am not looking forward to that and I am no more excited about it after the video package with all kinds of those dumb WHAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW WAS I SNUCK A CLAUSE IN YOUR CONTRACT THAT STIPULATES stuff that is never all that awesome to me. Want to know what Ric Flair did at the Wrestlemania that was soon to follow, that being Wrestlemania X8? Well he had a no DQ match with the Undertaker and it was really really good and Arn Anderson ran in at one point and hit a spinebuster but in the end the Undertaker's Wrestlemania streak remained very much intact! Flair comes out before the Atlanta crowd on this Royal Rumble night and he is very rightly very much admired. He is billed as the co-owner of the World Wrestling Federation and we are shown his son and daughter in the front row. Flair looks surprisingly youthful here and I recognize that we are seeing him a full ten years ago here and ten years is a really long time but if you compare 2002 Ric Flair to even like 2006 Ric Flair I think you see some pretty spectacular aging. McMahon is of course an impressively juiced sixty-something year old or whatever but I don't care. Jim Ross points out that Ric Flair won the Royal Rumble in 1992 and McMahon won the same match in 1999 but what he doesn't point out is that the 1992 Royal Rumble was amazing and the 1999 one was pretty stupid. I think it was in the Bad News Allen shoot where I was first introduced to the idea that Vince really wanted to be a wrestler and "one of the boys" but his father Vince Sr. would not allow it so one wonders the extent to which all of this is like I HATE YOU DAD I LOVE YOU I HATE YOU or something. Whatever it is I don't like it. Jerry Lawler considers McMahon's physique and ejaculates.   


They get through it, basically, and the crowd is plenty into it, WOOing at appropriate moments and everything. They go HARDCORE with trash cans and stuff and Flair *blades* and lol look at this lady at ringside man she is the best she is SO into this and I bet she has been ringside for every Ric Flair match since like 1982 and here she is in her daisy dukes and you can tell she is like "fuck everybody I look *good* in these shorts":






The British who are a cruel race have a term and that is "mutton dressed as lamb" to describe situations like this if what my wife tells me of the fashion and style shows she watches is true. There's a good bit McMahon does on the outside where he takes a camera away from Flair's children and is like YOU WANT A PICTURE HERE'S A PICTURE and he takes a picture of their bloodied and battered father and that's pretty cool. Eventually McMahon applies Flair's own figure four leglock as you know blood flows down his face and everything and the Atlanta crowd is like insanely behind their guy here so they are obviously doing this match right but I'm not that into it. Flair rolls over to reverse the pressure of the hold but McMahon retreats to the outside and whatnot. Crazy brawl, lead pipe, television monitors, and now McMahon is cut too. He "begs off" but it is unlikely he will find sympathy from "The Dirtiest Player in the Game" who true to form kicks him in the groin and struts and uses the lead pipe himself and then applies the figure four leglock as a kind of orgiastic frenzy takes hold in Atlanta and yeah that's it. Not for me, this one, exactly, but it would be dumb to say that this was a bad match or anything. It totally delivered for what it was.


Stephanie McMahon is backstage being interviewed by Michael Cole until "Stone Cold" Steve Austin comes in and savagely WHATs her and lol say what you will about the ultimately pernicious legacy of the WHAT thing but when he was out there doing it it was awesome and also looked like fun! Except I guess when it was at a lady and it seemed like he was going to hit her or something not that he would ever do anything like that irl. Alright no more fucking around it is time for THE ROCK to come out to like a deafening ovation and a guy who has a sign that says WE LOVE THE ROCK which is so simple and so true and he is here to challenge Chris Jericho for the World Wrestling Federation Championship a title which has changed hands four times in the then fifteen-year history of the Royal Rumble pay per view, Jim Ross tells us. I know there has been a lot of talk about how Jericho was not "booked strong" during his unification of the World Title and how it was all secondary to Triple H and Stephanie McMahon and all that and while that part of it is true enough I guess it all misses the point of the kind of dude he was at this point, what Mark Henry called the "egotistical pipsqueak champion" when talking about my boy D-Bryan on the basically perfect episode of Smackdown(!) this week. Or maybe it doesn't, idk, but I really like Jericho and do not feel for a moment that he was misused at this time in the least but instead was used to very near his full potential. I am pretty excited! I love and miss Jericho's Y2J Galvatron entrance and I am very happy to see it here it is badass. As you are well aware Chris Jericho is the only man to defeat both the Rock and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin in the same night albeit amid shenanigans of some significance. 


This is really an awesome crowd this Atlanta crowd and it utterly shames last year's unforgivable people of New Orleans. There is a staredown in which Jericho pretty much circumnavigates the Rock while talking at him and then the moment the Rock opens his mouth Jericho holds up his hand like an inch from the Rock's face and the crowd is like BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and the Rock can take no more and HERE WE GO YEEEEEEEAHHHH there is a Samoan drop almost immediately and I interpret it as a tribute to his mother's people. oh MAN this is a great crowd have I mentioned that? JR says that Jericho is looking to beat the Rock for an unprecedented fifth time "according to Jericho's own records" and he also says that Jericho has become a self-centered and egotistical young man and yeah that exactly right JR. The Rock in 2002 was so loved and so *correctly* loved that it is unbelievable man unbelievable and maybe we were wrong in Toronto to deplore him when forced to choose between him and Hogan and in fact I kind of *know* we were wrong but in that moment I know how I felt. lol OK Jericho has followed up a vertical suplex with a single-foot cover and a "most muscular" COME ON BABAAAAYYYY but lol it is only for two. Jericho has taken the pad off the top turnbuckle which could well lead to a catapulting sooner or later but does no do so here.


I could not tell you the number of times Jericho has pantomimed a BELTY BELTY motion around his waist so far and we are only like four minutes into this. He hits a top rope "missile" drop kick but it is the belty belty motion that precedes it that is what I will remember. Suplex from the middle turnbuckle for the Rock which I don't feel like calling a superplex but maybe it is technically and I apologize if I have that wrong. Cool throw by the Rock that I don't have a name for at all and this match is EXCELLENT and it is a one-handed bulldog and a lionsault OH SHIT TWO LIONSAULTS for twooooooooo and Jericho can't believe two lionsaults would not keep the Rock down but ten years later man I do not think an infinity of lionsaults would finish a child which is why the awesome and awesomely named CODEBREAKER had to be developed I guess. The Rock catches Jericho off the top rope and SHARPSHOOTER SHARPSHOOTER and there are all kinds of distractions and shenanigans by fuckin Lance Storm who I have never liked and Christian who I like very much indeed and so referee Earl Hebner doesn't see Jericho tap and AAAHAHAHAHA YEAH JERICHO HITS A SICK ROCK BOTTOM and Dave Meltzer the fool always describes the Rock bottom as "a ura nage to the front" which is ridiculous because ura nage means "rear throw" you know-nothing-know-it-all-who-knows-nothing and YEEEEEEEEAH JERICHO WITH THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW except NO BECAUSE THE ROCK KIPS UP and man oh man this match is *excellent.*


They're on the outside now and you've go to think somebody is going to go through a table sooner or later and yeah Jericho tries for another Rock Bottom but it is the Rock who hits the Rock Bottom through the table and Jim Ross is KILLING IT in this match: right after talking about how THIS MATCH HAS DEGENERATED TO HELL IF YOU ASK ME AND ALL I KNOW IS IT'S GETTIN OUTTA HAND he calls the Rock Bottom through the table thusly: "OH MY GOD JERICHO'S GOT A ROCK BOTTOM ROCK TRYIN' TO FIGHT OUT OF IT HE'S FIGHTIN OUT OF IT GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY WHAT A CAR WRECK WHAT A CRASH BODIES MANGLED SPINES CRACKED JERICHO DOWN THE ROCK DOWN BOTH THESE MEN FOR THE RICHEST PRIZE IN OUR GAME AT STAKE" and this is how you do it man this is how you fucking do it and as the Rock rolls Jericho back into the ring that is a 2.99999999999999 and this is the best.


The Rock is all poised and ready to Rock Bottom a dude again HOWEVER IT IS THE WALLS OF JERICHO and it is high and it is cool and the crowd is going bananas and the Rock makes the ropes and Jericho pulls him back to the middle of the ring INSIDE CRADLE ONE TWO OOOOOOOOOH lol the Rock almost got him and now Hebner is down and the second *the very second* he goes down Jericho grabs the belt and floors the Rock and Nick Patrick books it too the ring to count the fall but it is once again only two! Pretty rad DDT from the Rock and the cover and BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THAT DAMN NICK PATRICK WON'T COUNT THE DAMN FALL and the Rock has him fixed in his gaze now and yeah Rock Bottom for Nick Patrick and a spinebuster for Jericho and a People's Elbow to the UNREAL delight of the assembled thousands but there's nobody there to count it and a vicious low blow from Jericho and lol a head rung off the unprotected turnbuckle from like the *third* minute of the match and a roll up with legs on the middle ropes for leverage and lol now THAT is how you have an egotistical pipsqueak world's champion successfully defend his title against the best guy. Fuck man that was TREMENDOUS why doesn't anybody ever talk about that match it was AMAZING.


Here's Shawn Michaels live via satellite from WWF New York looking pretty goofy in like a Texas flag dress shirt and a big cowboy hat. That wasn't awesome but the hype video for the Royal Rumble match gets me READY and hey it's still Howard Finkel man that guy stuck around a good long time didn't he. This is going to be a two-minute Rumble and once again that is for the best so let us Rumble let us ROYAL Rumble as Rikishi aka my beloved Fatu comes to the ring as our first entrant and who shall be the second? lol JR says that "Rikishi's *weight* is from parts unknown" and he also points out that *both* feet have to touch the floor to be eliminated and he quite rightly calls that "the Shawn Michaels rule" and I actually kind of feel bad that the Rumbles Shaw Michaels won were such duds apart from him but really I should probably find something much more troubling than that to feel bad about like the plight of the poor people of everywhere or something. In at number two is Goldust who has been away for a while but is back and awaaaaaaaaay we go and this *excellent* crowd is ready to love this Royal Rumble match man you can just feel it. These two god damn *professionals* put in a solid opening two minutes of Royal Rumbling with a couple of over-but-not-outs by Goldust until the Boss Man is in at number three and lol Rikishi is a big man to "sell" a clothesline in that corkscrew fashion but he does so ably for the former corrections officer from nearby Cobb County Georgia. Bradshaw enters next and is as committed as ever to the *pounding of ass* and on a not entirely unrelated note Rikishi readies the Boss Man for a "stink face" and soon thereafter deposits him on the outside and then it is a SAMOAN DROP which is my preferred ethnic drop on Bradshaw. 


And now Lance Storm, who I have never cared about at all even for a second. I don't know that I've properly given him a chance and watched a bunch of his matches or anything but I am not inclined to. WHAT DOES EVERYBODY WANT well maybe they want Tough Enough instructor Al Snow. Aaaaaaaaand Lance Storm has been murdered by a LARIAT from Bradshaw and man oh man Rikishi can still throw that reverse thrust kick despite the enormous girth that will one day debilitate him. Everybody in there is working hard and this is shaping up to be pretty good I think! And again I cannot say enough about this crowd as they all go OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH as Bradshaw meets  "The One" Billy Gunn with the biggest of boots. Al Snow just eliminated Lance Storm with a kick off the apron after they had both been out there (in which "there" = "the apron") for a while. Goldust puts Bradshaw out and the crowd is like aaaaaaw fuck man he was *killing* dudes in there and I am with them a little however I *do* enjoy Goldust. Jim Ross speculates that business is about to pick up as the Undertaker enters the ring and they really should have paid the money for "Rollin'" even though it is a dumb song. A chokeslam to Billy Gunn is followed by a chokeslam elimination of Goldust and lol ok the Undertaker has now cleared the ring entirely and he is like GET ME SOMEBODY IN HERE and that somebody is Matt Hardy accompanied by Lita and aaaaahahaha Lita comes off the top rope and is goozled however she hits the Undertaker with a "low" blow which prepares him for a "Twist of Fate" and I guess there has been a "feud" of some duration between the Hardy Boyz accompanied by Lita and the Undertaker of late. As the luck of the random draw would have it Jeff Hardy is in next wearing a baseball cap and a long purple rag hangs from his pocket and now both Hardy Boyzzzz AND Lita are in and the boots are very much put to the Undertaker for a time. Lita is cool. A second twist of fate readies the Undertaker for a "swanton" and this is really good! HEY so Jeff Hardy just does that thing where he runs across the ring and jumps off the crouching Matt Hardy's back and hits a dude in the corner HOWEVER that dude in this case is the Undertaker and so he just goes like *boomp* and Hardy is out and after a "Last Ride" Matt Hardy is dismissively tossed over the top rope and you know what this is the best countdown timer yet, it's like a little circle thing that pulses or something and it's great. 


Maven is the next guy in and I had completely forgotten about this Tough Enough Season One champion and you would think well this is not going to last long however Lita and Matt Hardy distract the Undertaker for a time and Maven dropkicks the Undertaker from behind and that is enough to eliminate him and the crowd is pretty into this but the Undertaker is not and so he reenters the ring and tosses Maven out through the ropes and ruins him with a particularly awesome chair shot. Scotty 2 Hotty dances down the aisle and the Undertaker interrupts that dance with a right hand and now I think Maven might be eliminated because the Undertaker has thrown him over the top rope but he's not a legal participant at this point and they have gone back and forth over the years as to whether or not that counts and I for one demand clarity on this issue in the form of a written policy made publicly available preferably through WWE.com or failing that delivered to me personally. The Undertaker has taken Maven through the crowd and into the concourse where he puts his young foe's head into a popcorn machine which might sound goofy but was in fact excellent. Christian who is the Champion of Europe is the only man in the ring now; Scotty is on the outside and yet to enter the ring; Maven may or not be in the match at this point and OK actually Jim Ross is saying that he is still a part of the match even if not present and that you might recall is a rule first brought in when Shawn Michaels got pressed and tossed over the top and it was like HEY SO NEW RULE which is fine man just be *clear* about these things.


Diamond Dallas Page is yet another guy I can never remember was ever in the World Wrestling Federation even though I saw him perform at Wrestelmania X8 which I may have mentioned I attended with my brother. The Diamond Cutter is a cool move and we do not have to wait long to see it. Page takes a powder for a moment which allows Scotty to perform "The Worm" to the rapturous delight of the Atlanta crowd but lol immediately afterwards he is tossed by DDP so we've got DDP and Christian and now Chucky Palumbo and how far away are we from the full-on gay marriage angle? I think it's too bad they backed out on that one. We have had a "domestic partner registry" in Nova Scotia that has recognized same sex marriages even before Canada became the fourth country to legalize gay marriage without reservation and now it is simply no longer a part of mainstream political discourse and everybody has just moved on so what I am saying here is just try it out and see how it feels for you and by "it" I mean marrying a dude. Did you know that for a guy who is not that big Christian throws good hard clotheslines? Good for him because you see great big strong guys throw really shitty clotheslines sometimes and it's like well then what is the point of even being a great big strong guy then. I guess the Goodfather is now behind us as the Godfather is out and there are all kinds of ladies with him and the story is that he has now gone "legit" and he owns an escort service? Anyway we get nothing but moderately attractive women on camera for about ninety seconds so we miss but are told about DDP's elimination at the hands of both Christian and Palumbo. TURN IT UP it is time for Prince Albert who is fucking huge man he is just one of the biggest dudes you will see however Christian and Palumbo tip him out and over as he was working on Kama Mustafa along the ropes. Kama is clotheslined over the top seconds after missing his "Ho Train" in the corner and the crowd is actually livid about that and now we've got Perry Saturn who is a former Army Ranger? That's news to me. Because Christian has entered into a temporary alliance of sorts with Palumbo questions are raised about his orientation but I think this is purely situational if you know what I am saying. 

STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD who is the only three-time winner of the Royal Rumble though I of course dispute the 1997 win is out there and the crowd is like WHAT WHAT WHAT and Christian is out and Saturn is stunnered and Palumbo is out and Saturn is out and J.R. is like "good night sweet prince!" as all occasions do inform against everybody who is not "Stone Cold" Steve Austin right now and lolololol OK this is awesome: Austin pantomimes checking his watch and there is plenty of time left so he tosses dudes BACK into the ring and KICKWHAMSTUNNER and retosses them and sits in a familiar pose atop the turnbuckles and again checks his wrist tape. It is exquisite. 


Up next is a returning Val Venis who really milks the entrance and when he hits the ring it is immediately a "mud hole" situation and with ever stomp it is WHAT WHAT WHAT which is pretty cool. Val gets some moves in so good for him and now Test is in and they are talking about some kind of immunity he has earned from being fired but Lawler asks if he has immunity from rattlesnake venom which causes me to be like *oh brother* for a minute. Austin gets beat up on for a moment by these two but then he comes back and with every right hand it is like WHAT WHAT WHAT and yeah KICKWHAMSTUNNER and the ring has been cleared and lol he is tapping his wrist tape to make sure his pretend watch is still running and this is pretty fuckin cool guys. YEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHH TRIPLE H IS NEXT AS IT IS TIME TO PLAY THE GAME and I am ready for this to be AMAZING as I am informed that Triple H has been out for eight months I guess after that time he steroidinjured his quad in that cool match with Austin and Benoit and Jericho and where are we here anyway like number twenty or something? These two top notch pretend grapplers stare at each other throughout Triple H's uncommonly long entrance that must be taking up at least the two minutes and everybody is on their feet as Austin and Triple H *get after it* just as the timer counts down and it is HURRICANE HELMS who I think is actually back now or something? Austin and Triple H are both down as the Hurricane lays in wait and lol he has grabbed both guys by their throats and lol Austin and Triple H give each other a look like WAIT WAIT WAIT WHAT? and so they toss Hurricane out and it is funny! Austin hits a solid spinebuster just as Farooq enters the ring and why didn't they ever just call him Ron Simmons? STUNNER and then Triple H with a THUNDEROUS clothesline and that's it for Farooq. This is pretty much a Triple H v. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin match right now and I am totally fine with that.


MR. PERFECT FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH HE HAS A TOWEL AND EVERYTHING and his singlet straps have been lowered to signify his seriousness here and OK he puts one of them up as he works over Austin in the corner so I do not know entirely what is connoted by any of that however I am struck by how big Curt Hennig is here and of all the wrestlers the good lord has taken from us it is Mr. Perfect I would most like to see "plex" again. Holy shit Kurt Angle is next and this is a pretty sick Royal Rumble as the crowd has the best Kurt Angle "YOU SUCK" going that I have ever heard and lol ok now it is YOU SUCK/WHAT? and maaaaaaan this is a great crowd and we've got fuckin Steve Austin and Triple H and Kurt Angle and Mr. Perfect in the ring in the Royal Rumble right now and I am INTO IT let me tell you. Angle comes close to eliminating Triple H in the corner but Austin intervenes and suffers a belly-to-belly suplex *for his troubles* and now it is the BIG SHOOOOOOOOOOOW and it is a chokeslam to Mr. Perfect which I do not approve of and now Austin and Triple H band together briefly to take a run at Big Show but it accomplishes very little. Kurt Angle tried a German suplex but understandably does not get the Big Show up yiiiiiiiiikes nice clothesline from the Big Show on Austin AND THIS IS TERRIFIC and a chokeslam on Triple H and everybody is leveled and ARE YOU READY FOR SOME HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE KING ARE YOU READY FOR THE BIG RED MACHINE and maybe this Royal Rumble can go on forever man and just be a forever part of the universe. Kane and the Big Show lay into each other as everyone is just all crumpled up all around the ring and they are in like a mutual chokeslam position these two BEHEMOTHS until LOW BLOW FROM KANE AND KANE HAS SLAMMED BIG SHOW OVER THE TOP ROPE TOMPKINS CAN YOU BELIEVE IT but now it is KICKWHAMSTUNNER on Kane and Angle puts him out with an "Olympic Slam" and fuuuuuuuck man this is something.


So I don't even know who is left to come out with Triple H, Angle, Austin, and Mr. Perfect left out there YEEEEEEEEAHHHHH RVD RVD RVD RVD RVD and the Atlanta crowd is like YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH RVD RVD RVD RVD just as much as I am and the *first fuckin thing* he does when he gets to the ring is a FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH to Kurt Angle and then he goes after Austin but then he is PEDIGREED and everyone is down and this is UNREAL ROYAL RUMBLING WHO IS NEXT WHO IS NEXT WHO IS THE FINAL ENTRANT IN THE 2002 ROYAL RUMBLE IT IS BOOKER TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and please believe me when I tell you that I can dig it. I saw him do a nothing interview on Much Music one time and he charmed the lovely young hostess Amanda so thoroughly that it was the best. He immediately eliminates RVD but lol his *Spinnerooni* (sp?) is met with a KICKWHAMSTUNNER elimination and so HERE IS YOUR FINAL FOUR OF AUSTIN ANGLE PERFECT HELMSLEY YEAH


Angle tries to eliminate Austin with an Olympic Slam but Austin escapes and goes for a Stunner but is pushed away and ends up in position for a Pedigree but Austin scoops Triple H's legs out from underneath him and catapults him into the corner and then he is caught in an Olympic Slam or wait maybe they call it an Angle Slam idk and Austin goes after Perfect in the corner but Angle grabs him and hits a BUNCH of German Suplexes from behind and now ANGLE AND PERFECT oh shit man I thought they were going to eliminate Austin right there I was SURE of it lol. Triple H is still down as Austin fights off both Angle and Austin and Austin has Mr. Perfect over the top rope but not out and YES ANGLE HAS PUT HIM OUT AUSTIN IS OUT and now those three are brawling on the outside until Angle puts Austin into the ring steps THIS IS SO FUCKING GOOD MAN YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GOOD THIS IS and now Austin hits the ring chair in hand and he levels both Angle and Perfect and lol he also lays out Triple H as JR says "JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT BECAUSE HE IS A TEXAS RATTLESNAKE" and the crowd at first was a little bit like *boooo* but they end up being like WHAT WHAT WHAT as Austin leaves


So OK let's just take a couple of deep breaths here and see what's up WOOOOOAH it looked like Triple H moving out of the way of Angle's clothesline was going to eliminate Mr. Perfect and the crowd was like NOOOOOOOOOO but he managed to stay in IN EXCITING FASHION and when he hits first the FUCKING PERFECTPLEX and then the somersault snapmarish thing he does the crowd goes BANANAS as does this particular "wrestling observer" but alas he is soon thereafter eliminated by Triple H who hits him with a clothesline :(


AND SO we are down to Triple H and Kurt Angle and Angle pulls down both straps and it is on ladies and gentlemen and the stakes as you yourselves know very well are A TICKET TO WRESTLEMANIA and the rare privilege of challenging for the Undisputed World Championship in front of both me AND my brother and Triple H and Angle go at it pretty good here man and the crowd is waaaaaaaay into it and GERMAN SUPLEX and then a near elimination of Triple H but on and then ANOTHER near elimination of Triple H and Angle thinks he has won BUT HE HAS NOT and it is a FACEBUSTER which is the best of Triple H's moves other than the Pedigree probably AND NOW A CLOTHESLINE AND IT IS OVER THE GAME THE GAME THE GAME as Jim Ross calls it and he is right to do it exactly like that because it is super exciting and yeah maybe JUST MAYBE we have witnessed the best Royal Rumble match ever jesus christ man I was expecting this one to be good but not THIS good . . .


So yeah actually I think I am going to call it man and confer upon the 2002 Royal Rumble the title of GREATEST ROYAL RUMBLE EVER although there are a number of them that I haven't seen yet actually and we're getting there but if it is ultimately a decision between the 1992 Royal Rumble and the 2002 Royal Rumble then I think I am going to go with 2002! As to the event on the whole, this is right up there with 2000 as the best on the strength of that killer KILLER Royal Rumble proper and the Rock/Jericho World Title match that I absolutely loved and again while the McMahon/Flair streetfight was not really up my alley they worked hard and the crowd was totally into it so I am not here to dismiss that the other matches were at least fine and maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan this was really good!   

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