2000 ROYAL RUMBLE

ROYAL RUMBLE 2000 IS NO DOUBT THE FIRST STEP ON THE ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA 2000 WHICH IS NOT A PPV I WATCHED UNTIL YEARS LATER AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE NEVER PLAYED THE NINTENDO GAME OF THAT TITLE because I was just totally out of this whole scene for a little bit, or as close to totally out of it as I have ever been, which is to say I still had a reasonable idea of what was going on and I watched parts of the TV shows sometimes but I did not buy but only rented WCW/nWO Revenge (which of course now many years later I purchased for almost no money) and I guess totally ignored Wrestlemania 2000 and then by the time I got way back into wrestling No Mercy was out and that settled that, right? I know there are Virtual Pro Wrestling 2 people who favour that title above all others but is there anybody who is like "yeah No Mercy is *ok* but *actually* I preferred the earlier WM2000" or is that just too preposterous even for the internet? 


TO TONIGHT'S ACTION HOWEVER: fuck yes this has the Triple H vs. Cactus Jack match that I first saw as part of the really good Mick Foley dvd set they put out like ten years ago. No time for that now, however, as Kurt Angle, who is new, is in action against a mystery opponent who turns to be Tazz, also new. I saw almost no ECW wrestling when it was going on because I didn't get it on TV and I was not a trader of tapes so all I knew of it was from the internet and the wrestling magazines that existed under the cultural logic of late kayfabe and those sources led me to believe that it was the greatest thing to have ever happened and while I have no idea if that is true I genuinely enjoyed the dvd set they put out like ten years ago! Man they make some good dvd sets. This match is pretty good right away as they both brawl and suplex on the outside and as a guy whose ideal wrestling match exists almost exclusively of throws and artful submission attempts and then maybe a macho man elbow from the top I see a lot of potential here for everything other than that last bit. BELLY-TO-BELLY OVERHEAD SUPLEX FROM THE SECOND ROPE BY TAZZ HOLY YEAH but Angle gets his foot on the rope in maybe the best way I have ever seen honestly. Angle hits a German suplex with a bridge for twooooooo and then Tazz hits a release German suplex where Angle flips right over and then it is that belly-to-belly from a high grip and then I believe a "capture" suplex in the parlance of Fire Pro moves and then a KATA HA JIME or single wing strangle which you might recognize from JUDO THE GREATEST SPORT EVER and Jim Ross (welcome back, my love) is like IT'S A VERSION OF A SLEEPER HOLD KING IT'S NOT ILLEGAL and HOLY SHIT ANGLE IS OUT I LOVED THIS MATCH and Angle is all the way out and has to be attended to by medical personnel and World Wrestling Federation officials and this ooooooowned.


Man a lot of changes in this last year that is for sure because here we have a pretty serious looking tag-team matchup between the Hardy Boyz (managed by Terri Runnels who is wearing like a miniature Ken Shamrock satin robe) who are not goofy job guys but awesome weird southern drug enthusiasts who fly off of and through things and their opponents D-Von and Bubba Ray Dudley known collectively as the Dudley Boyz. Bubba Ray talks about John Rocker and how he is right about New York and the Madison Square Garden faithful are like BOOOOOOOOOOO and why is it that the orientation of the shows at MSG has to be ninety degrees off from everywhere else? I do not dislike it; on the contrary, I think it's neat, but I don't understand. This is a tables match and I think you need to put both guys through OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH shit Jeff Hardy just did something crazy to the outside and now it is time for an unprotected chair shot to Bubba Ray and then aaaaaaaaahahahaha Jeff Hardy just ran and jumped face first into a table so hard this is fantastic. The only thing that concerns me is that in a match with so many tables around from the outset there will be no slow build to D-VON GET THE TABLES which I like even if I do not approve of the Dudley Boyz proclivity for mistreating women with them. Matt Hardy sometimes known as the lesser Hardy digs a ladder out from under the ring and this could turn into something worth seeing imo. WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUCK just as Matt was coming of a ladder to drive Bubba Ray through a table on the outside Jeff Hardy came flying into the picture for absolutely no reason and splashed him through the table too so that is both dudes doing it at once and lol there was *no way* Jeff needed to do that man that shit cra' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA now Matt and Jeff are getting overzealous because they only need one more tabling to win the match so now they are just flying off of things and through tables everywhere this is sooooooooooo good. YEEEEEEEEEEAH POWER BOMB FROM THE SECOND TURNBUCKLE THROUGH A TABLE PROPPED UP ON THE RING STEPS and we are all even at one dude through a table each. OK now there are all kind of tables set up in front of the entry way and now dudes are fighting on top of the entry way and yep there goes Bubba Ray trough the table and yeah now Jeff Hardy has his shirt off and the girlies are like *EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE* and then he SWANTONs through D-Von and lol that is it man that is a WRAP. Man two matches in this show is bananas beyond all reckoning. 


There is some controversy apparently about whether or not Kurt Angle has properly been defeated as the nature of the TAZZMISSION or KATA HA JIME is discussed and guys guys guys it is a blood choke not a wind choke so if the sleeper hold is legal the Tazzmision is legal and let's not even get into the Joey Styles nonsense about the kata ha jime being banned in judo which is the craziest thing I have ever heard and is kind of like the time I heard Bas Rutten say "the rear naked choke is illegal in judo" when it is like mutherfucker judo *invented* that shit (note that that is not true either).


OK next up we have The Miss Royal Rumble pageant or something and our panel of judges consists of: Sgt. Slaughter, Tony Garea, the Fabulous Moolah, Johnny V, and Classy Freddie Blassie who comes out to a really nice response. Jerry Lawler is your master of ceremonies and he is like "get out of the ring Howard Finkel, these girls aren't your type -- they're not inflatable" lol. The ladies to be objectified even more than usual tonight are Ivory, Terri, Jacqueline, B. B., Luna, Jerry Lawler's lady-love The Cat and lol Andy Richter has joined the panel of judges which is an *excellent* selection imo. To be honest with you I think we should be comparing these ladies to see who has the best *mind* and who is the most *equal with men* instead of who has the best bolt-on tits and testosterone-warped physique because I have read Julia Kristeva. Out comes Mae Young and actually while we are on the subject of feminist theorists during this Royal Rumble I cannot help but notice that the graphics here are displaying everyone's name in all lower-case letters like they are all bell hooks. Anyway Mae Young exposes herself to the horror of the disappointingly ageist crowd (j/k I don't like old people either) and Mark Henry comes out and covers her up and then she is announced as the winner. On the whole I am an awful lot better than what just went on and also the Cat was the prettiest.   
    
Hey what's up WWF NEW YORK you are an unsinkable ship in my estimation. Jonathan Coachman is there. Presently I believe he is on ESPN Radio so good for him I guess. Then we get an argument between Chyna and CHRIS JERICHOOOOOOO who is in the World Wrestling Federation now and remember when he came in and was like WELCOME TO RAW IS JERICHOOOO and everyone was more into it than they have ever been into anything and then he *mixed it up* with the Rock? He has mastered debuting and redebuting like none other. Chyna is like "can you be chivalrous for once" and Jericho was like "what is this, Medieval Times" and I grinned but did not chuckle. What we have here is a three-way Intercontinental Championship bout between the allegedly over four-hundred pound (what? oh I see it is a goof) Hardcore Holly and Chyna and Chris Jericho who welcomes us all to Madison Square Jericho. This is to determine the "undisputed" Intercontinental Championship suggesting that title is currently somewhat in dispute? Chyna, we are told, has broken more ground for women in the World Wrestling Federation than anyone else ever but that Hardcore Holly is a chauvinist and Lawler is like "so are you JR" and he is like "me?" and Lawler's like "yeah absolutely" and JR says "well I try not to be" which is all we can ask of anyone and of ourselves. HEY COOL I haven't seen a hurricanrana countered into a true Walls of Jericho in forever man and this takes me back so thank you for that Hardcore Holly although also note that I will never thank you for anything else again ever. Chyna breaks it up and lol Chynal reconstruction appears to be continuing apace. It is kind of crazy seeing her a year apart for like four years or whatever it has been because YEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHH TOP TURNBUCKLE DIVE TO THE OUTSIDE JERICHOOOOOOO take that Bob Holly and then Chyna does her handspring elbow into the corner on Jericho and hits a DDT for twooooooooooooo. This is a pretty good match! Chyna dropkicks a chair into Holly's face which I approve of. Chyna was a guest on Howard Stern recently and while you can't help but feel bad for her and her ruined life she is also a pretty fun guest so it's complicated. Chyna and Y2J come off the top at the same time and splash different areas of Bob Holly and both go to pin him and then are like wait what what and both roll off. Chyna low blows Jericho and pedigrees Holly for another near fall and then holy shit Chyna basically just took the old Legion of Doom finisher from Jericho for another two and there is nothing wrong with this triple threat match of championship-calibre wrestling. SUPERPLEX FROM CHYNA BUT HOLLY SOMEHOW GETS THE COVER but ok cool Chyna kicked out phew. lol they really had me there for a second. A Chyna chair shot to Bob Holly is of course a good idea and then we get a pretty cool finish: Chyna puts Holly in a Boston crab and then Jericho visits the one-hand bulldog upon her and then wins it with a Lionsault and what I like about that is that he never beats anybody with the Lionsault EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEver so I enjoyed the novelty of it. Good match! The Intercontinental Championship belt itself looks horrible though when compared to the classic and now once again current belt which is an item of undeniable beauty.


Michael Cole is backstage with the Rock and the Rock is phenomenal at this point. He is asked if there are any other wrestlers that he is concerned about in particular in the upcoming THIRTY-MAN OVER-THE-TOP-ROPE ROYAL RUMBLE and he is like yeah Crash Holly and Headbanger Mosh which is like a variant of the Bret Hart El Dandy comment and I don't know which came first nor am I suggesting any direct influence in either direction; I am merely suggesting that this is indicative of certain shared habits of thought. 


Well this run of awesome matches was bound to end sooner or later and up next we have The Acolytes challenging the New Age Outlaws for the Tag Team Championship and unless this match consists of lariats and dominators exclusively then idk. OH YOU WERE UNAWARE??????????????????? man people LOVE that though. Jim Ross says that many say that the New Age Outlaws are the greatest World Wrestling Federation tag team champions of all time and I can't imagine even one person has ever so much as formulated that as an idea to even consider for like the fleetingest moment but hey man you've got to sell this stuff I get it. The Road Dogg is wearing a D-X football jersey with the number "69" which is such an edgy thing to do that I'm pretty sure I saw one of the Backstreet Boys singing at the NHL All-Star game in roughly the same era and he was wearing a hockey sweater that bore the same number; that's how fuckin edgy this cat here is. Also I am reminded of my all-time favourite Sex Ped story which is that he was enjoying the company of a sexy lady and he began to (what a) maneuver her into the sexual position to which the number we are discussing so often refers and she goes "lol what is this, high school?" which is the coldest shit I have *ever* heard and that she would say this suggests she may have been the one. Anyway X-Pac comes in and there has been some bullshit and the Outlaws have emerged victorious.


oh man it is time for CACTUS JACK vs. TRIPLE H in a STREET FIGHT FOR THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION CHAMPIONSHIP and a video montage is aired outlining the McMahon-Helmsley Era and its excesses which include firing Mick Foley until the Rock and all the *boys in the back* threaten a walkout unless Foley is reinstated which is a rare image of labour solidarity in the world of professional wrestling. Why am I not hearing the usual Cactus Jack music but instead some stuff that has I believe been overdubbed? Did they somehow lose the rights to the Cactus Jack music and if so how is that even possible? HAAAAA GO AHEAD AND HIT ME WITH THAT TRIPLE HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH or whatever it is is the best of the D-X entrance songs for sure although it is still a little bit below Motorhead obviously as far as Triple H entrance songs go. Were Stephanie McMahon and Helmsley *shoot* together romantically at this point or was it still just pretend? I am curious but not enough to look it up so don't worry about it. From the admittedly little wrestling I have seen from around THE YEAR 2000 I think Triple H was legitimately awesome at this point and hopefully that impression will be proven accurate in tonight's match which again I have definitely seen on a dvd set but I have not watched in forever so beyond vaguely remembering that this is very good I know nothing about it, not even who wins or anything.


PHYSIQUE REPORT: I would say 2012 Mick Foley is a good sixty pounds heavier than 2000 Mick Foley and you will no doubt recall that 2000 Mick Foley was by no means dangerously underweight; Triple H has I suppose at last developed his legs sufficiently that he feels comfortable wrestling in trunks rather than the increasingly goofy pants that had previously marred his otherwise fine career. Aaaaaaaaaand I would have to think that is only the first of what will prove to be many chair shots delivered to Foley that make you cringe a little. Interestingly JR and the King are still talking about Triple H as being a guy from Greenwich, Connecticut and so not one necessarily given to street fights. I know they still introduce M. Levesque as being from Greenwich to this day but they don't really do anything with it, right? Cactus Jack suplexes *Trips* onto a pallet and you don't really see a lot of pallet spots. I know a guy through judo who has a business where I think he gathers up old pallets from places and then he like repairs the pallets and sells them back to other businesses at a tidy but not untoward profit! I saw him for the first time in maybe a year and I was like hey bro what is up and he was like heeeeey good to see you I got divorced man it's the best! Backdrop into a garbage can by Cactus Jack and then a cool running knee into the stairs and BANG BANG YEEEEEAAAH it is has been too long since I have seen this guy go bang bang WOOOOOOOOOOAH unless my eyes deceive me that is a 2x4 wrapped in a stupendous amount of barbed wire that Cactus Jack has just pulled out from under the ring and I would put good money on Foley bearing the brunt of this one and lol yeah the barbed wire 2x4 got TOOK and now Triple H is going to town with it and when Foley hits Triple H in the groin with it it is not the *business end* of the barbed wire 2x4 exactly. To a massive boo referee Earl Hebner has removed the barbed wire 2x4 and has for some reason given it to Hugo at the Spanish announce table OH SHIT DOUBLE ARM DDT and Cactus Jack goes out and lays Hugo out and gets it back and there is a ref bump which is kind of pointless in a match like this AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH WOAH I was totally wrong about Triple H's willingness to get all barb wired up because he is now totally ripped up after some serious shots to the head and eeeeewwwwwww I think Triple H probably fucked up a little bit blading (I assume he bladed too because there looks to be a pretty clean line across his forehead) unless he truly wanted to be BLEEDING LIKE A HORSE in Jim Ross' phrase which is new to me. A piledriver through the announce table is teased but turned into a mere backdrop and woah ok there is a pretty nasty puncture wound in Triple H's calf too and this is pretty hardcore bros.


Yeah remember how guys used to talk about the "Muta Scale" for blood in a match well Triple H has apparently decided to to full Muta here or at least attempt it. Cactus Jack takes a hip toss onto the steps which is actually kind of the most fucked up thing so far when you see the way he lands. I believe we have now entered a section of the match where Triple H is going to work on Foley's injured knee in the interests of *psychology.* AAAAAHAHAHA YEAH BARBED WIRE 2X4 TO THE KNEE idk why I find that so awesome but I do. I can tell you in all honesty that I have basically no appetite for hardcore wrestling in that I neither seek it out on youtube nor wish for its return to the WWE of today really but this match is fffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucking awesome. For the second Royal Rumble in a row, Mick Foley finds himself literally handcuffed in a World Wrestling Federation title match which is a drag for him. Triple H has the ring steps in the ring much as one can do in No Mercy and YEEEAH DROP-TOE HOLD JACK YEAH and HHH is face first into the very steps he tossed into the ring mere moments ago and Jack is like FUK YR GROIN right now and then he bites him and yikes it is a closeup of Mick Foley's fucked up *as in missing* ear aaaaaand here come the chair shots however Triple H being a gentleman is going for the back here. Last year's Rock/Foley match had to the be high point for unprotected chair shots to the head in a non-indy context, right? OK now we get a head shot on the outside AND HEEEEY IT IS THE ROCK AND HE HAS MURDERED TRIPLE H WITH A CHAIR SHOT and now somebody has just unlocked Cactus Jack's handcuffs and he does that slow motion piledriver to Helmsley through the table lol no the table didn't break actually. 


OK here comes a bag of thumbtacks and I totally remember how this goes now actually and it is going to be CRAZY iirc. Stephanie McMahon is out to distract the referee but again what is the point of that really? Yeah so there Cactus Jack goes into the thumbtacks, no surprises there. Pedigree and a cover FOR A MERE TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AS THE CHANTS OF FOLEY RING THROUGH MSG and AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OK I TOTALLY DID NOT REMEMBER THIS CORRECTLY BECAUSE FOLEY JUST TOOK A PEDIGREE ON TOP OF SOME FUCKIN THUMBTACKS WTF and lol yeah that is a three count ladies and gentlemen. 


Well that one delivered! I would say that we are merely a *decent* Royal Rumble match away from the best Royal Rumble pay per view so far. Triple H is stretchered to the Locker Room Area BUT NO ACTUALLY THAT IS NOT ENTIRELY TRUE as Foley has retrieved him and rolls him into the ring and lays him out with another barbed wire 2x4 shot to the head but it is not the best of the many such shots in the match but still it's pretty cool and there are understandably thumbtacks sticking out of Cactus Jack's head as yeah that guy with the long dark hair and glasses that Puddintaine tells me is THE MAN THEY CALL FAITH NO MORE FAN is in the building and once again has excellent seats. Jonathan Coachman is at the can't-miss Times Square WWF resto-bar thing Linda McMahon who looks and sounds bored by all of this BUT I ON THE OTHER HAND AM NOT BECAUSE THIS IS AWESOME.


Awwww man why do they have to go with a ninety second Royal Rumble when things have been going so well tonight? Scratch the whole sexy ladaaaaay routine from the middle of the card and give me the full two-minute interval between Royal Rumble competitors to which I have come to feel entitled. We are shown a Royal Rumble Moment from 1995 highlighting the first of Shawn Michaels' wins in shitty Royal Rumbles and this is the one with bored Pamela Anderson on hand. WHO HAS DRAWN NUMBER ONE THIS YEAR it is none other than D-Lo Brown who I have always enjoyed and number two is Grand Master Sexay and I totally enjoyed Brian Christopher at a house show at the Halifax Forum in like 1998 or thereabouts so I am willing to not be stuck up about this. The crowd is utterly silent throughout the seemingly endless ninety seconds they spend in the ring together so maybe I shouldn't be too stuck up about the two-minute thing either. Here comes Headbanger Mosh and he is wearing like prosthetic boobs of some kind and Kaentai hit the ring even though they are not really in it and OK now they have left but why oh why would Taka not be in the match as just a regular dude in the match? He was pretty good! That match he had with the Great Sasuke at Canadian Stampede was *excellent* as I recall. CHRISTIAN is in at number four and guess who he was trained by that's right Leo Burke however Christian didn't really come into his own until he cut his hair short so it's like Riker and his beard in reverse kind of. Thinking more about Leo Burke-trained dudes is Ken Shamrock going to be in this or is he in Pride by now hmmmmmmm . . .


OK so this is not very good so far but maybe they are going to get all the guys who don't have anything cool to do out of the way early and then everything will be cool later? RIKISHI aka Fatu is in next and he gets rid of let's see, Mosh and Christian and yeeeeeeeaaah that sit-out powerslam piledriver thing is pretty sick and there goes D-Lo and Grand Master Sexay is right to try to make peace. Ok here comes Scotty 2 Hotty and there seems to be a very real chance that we will be treated to a dance as Sexay breaks out Rikishi's glasses and lol yeah the lights drop and the music starts and we are dancing and I think this is in fact a perfectly acceptable use of the early part of the Rumble especially since the dance ends with Rikishi eliminating both of the dudes with whom he danced only moments ago and maybe my fondness for Fatu throughout all of these Royal Rumbles is colouring my opinion here but this was PLEASANT in my view. Steve Blackman is next to hit the ring and a BLACKMAN SUCKS chant rightly rings through Madison Square Garden and it is RIKISHIDRIVER and out for that feared martial artist. VISCERA which is to say Mable only kind of cool enters and he is waaaaay bigger than Fatu and he gets the better of him in his like black vinyl jacket or whatever it is. An infinitely better look than the purple pants of yore. Man Fatu got awfully big but could still reverse thrust kick a dude a bunch of times en route to eliminating him, couldn't he? Rikishi once again stands alone as the clock winds down to reveal that our next competitor is the Big Boss Man who is again in his all-black-everything look. At some point the Big Boss Man is hanged in a cage match or something isn't he? He refuses to enter the ring which is odd because say what you will about the Boss Man he rarely exhibits cowardice. He just stands out there until the next guy comes out and that next guy is TEST who was also trained by Leo Burke but do not hold that against the grappling legend from Dorchester, New Brunswick which consists of a penitentiary and farms mostly I think. Test pushes the Boss Man around and then takes his shirt off and the girlies go *EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE* and I am reminded of one time Test was talking about how he used to be a bodyguard for Motley Crue or something and he was asked if ladies ever visited sexual acts upon him in exchange for access to the band and he was like "lol yeah they knew how to pass 'The Test'" and it was like come on girls make good choices out there like for example decide *not* to blow test in order to meet Tommy Lee. 


The British Bulldog comes out in the jeans and work boots that mar his default attire in WWF NO MERCY 64 and then Gangrel comes out to his cool music and I am swayed by Andrew's story of how Gangrel and Luna were excellent to him: I like Gangrel now. For some reason Taka and Funaki run back out into the ring for a second and get awesomely thrown back out and lol Jerry Lawler refers to them as "pesky little fellas." Oh OK the story is that both guys were told they would be in the Royal Rumble but they found out only recently that they would not be and so they are acting out. I get it. EDGE is in next and he is already super *over* early in this the year 2000 and guess who trained this soon-to-be-inducted WWE Hall of Famer why yes in fact it *was* Maritime great Leo Burke that's true. Edge used to do Atlantic Grand Prix tours back in the Sexton Hardcastle days and work with Bad News Allen and he wrote about that in his book that I have only read the relevant excerpts of. 


So far this is a decent Royal Rumble with the potential to become either "pretty good" or its opposite "not very good" going forward I think. HOLY SHIT IT IS BOB BACKLUND just as I say that this Rumble could go either way. Six dudes team up to eliminate Rikishi and the crowd is not thrilled about it and I don't blame them. The crowd is pretty pleased to see Bob Backlund and I salute them for that. Backlund is not wearing proper wrestling trunks but instead regular looking shorts but that's fine he's super old. Next up it is Y2J who has only recently become your undisputed Intercontinental Champion and here he is in the very building where his father played for the New York Rangers and the crowd is digging Jericho OH NO he has just eliminated Backlund with a drop kick and the crowd is like WE'RE-CON-FLIC-TED *clap clap clapclapclap" and Backlund leaves through the crowd because he is a man of the people. Crash Holly is in next and lol he's short. And Edge spanks him. 

This is something I should know because I mean yeah I am the guy watching all of these right now but is Backlund's return in 2000 the first of the cool surprise Royal Rumble returns? Am I forgetting anybody? Like Terry Funk showed up in 1997 but I don't think that was a surprise. HEY Chyna is in next and she suplexes Jericho out over the top from the apron and then the Boss Man clotheslines Chyna. I am totally like WHO'S NEXT WHO'S NEXT in this Royal Rumble, even more than usual, and I'm not sure why. This time it is Farooq but here comes THE POSSE who beat up on Farooq for a minute and the Boss Man tosses him right out and no THE POSSE are not actually in the match they were just there to impede Farooq's progress on the road to Wrestlemania. Now it is the Road Dogg and man oh man do people love to go OH YOU DIDN'T KNOW? don't they. A "WE WANT SOME-THING" chant starts up and even with it turned right up I can't make out what they want LOOK GUYS BE CLEARER AND MAYBE I CAN HELP. Do you think the Road Dogg covers himself from head to to toe because he has a rad body or because he has a shitty one? And now we have Al Snow who we are told is unbalanced however he does not have things written on his face at this time. The Road Dogg eliminated the Bulldog "doggy style" Lawler tells us which is fine but there had to be a better line somewhere in there imo.


Did you know Val Venis has pretty right wing view for a guy from Canada? It's true and also he is in next. lol here comes Funaki again (no Taka) and Lawler is like "why aren't they in the Royal Rumble? what do they have against the Chinese?" lol oh *you.* I guess the Boss Man has been in there the longest but I would not expect him to go the distance here necessarily. Jim Ross tells us that Al Snow is "unbalanced in more ways than one on those ropes" which is expert commentary. Val Venis gets rid of Edge and we are told that they are future brother in laws? I don't know and do not care to have it explained further. Prince Albert is the latest entrant and he is named after a thing in the dicks of some but not of all. I believe he went on to some measure of success in Japan as GIANT BERNARD. I think they might be trimming the time a little bit and I understand that because you've got to get fuckin Bob Holly in there as soon as possible. He and Crash are cousins.


We are in a little bit of a lull here but eventually the Rock is going to come out and be amazing, right? RIGHT ON CUE ACTUALLY HERE HE IS HE IS THE BEST LET'S DO IT YEEEEAHHH HIS DAD IS FROM AMHERST NOVA SCOTIA AND IS OF BLACK LOYALIST DESCENT LOOK THAT UP IF YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT AND THERE GOES THE BOSS MAN as The Rock becomes a target immediately because as Jim Ross says other people do not appreciate being called jabronis all the time. Mr. Ass comes in with his excellent "I'm an ASS MAN" theme and he goes right after the Rock, too, but the Rock is like whatever and he DDTs Crash and tosses him out with little if any ceremony. 


WEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL IT'S THE BIG SHOOOOOOW AND BUSINESS IS GONNA PICK UP and it is weird to see him with hair like *really* weird and now HE is going after the Rock after first eliminating Test and Gangrel. Bradshaw is in and THE POSSE hits the ring and give him such grief that the New Age Outlaws are able to eliminate him with ease. The lights go dark and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IT'S KANE and he has with him a ladaaaaay oh it's Tori or Torrie or whatever and Val Venis is the first victim of this particular brother of destruction. The Rock gets into it with The Big Red Machine which proves The Rock is not looking to avoid confrontation with Kane or anyone else here King. The Big Show has the bad habit of pressing dudes up over his head but not eliminating them which is ANNOYING but look at this Kane has eliminated Prince Albert as the Godfather arrives with a "ho train" of sorts and lol there's Funaki again. They keep replaying Taka's elimination from earlier in the evening and only now do I recognize that yeah that was a truly terrific spill man his face was just like *SPLOONT* and I ask myself how I possibly missed that earlier. 


OK so here comes fuckin X-Pac in as the thirtieth entrant so it is PAC, Bob Holly, Mr. Ass, the Big Show, The Rock, Al Snow, Kane, not the Godfather because Big Sho just got him, OK not Al Snow anymore because the Rock got him, and not the Road Dogg because Mr. Ass just proved that this is indeed every man for himself, and then Mr. Ass is himself clotheslined out by Kane who is subsequently pulled out under the bottom rope. The Rock tosses X-Pac in truly fine style (good job X-Pac!) but the referees didn't see it I guess as they were concerned with Kane v. The New Age Outlaws on the cold concrete floor and the replay of X-Pac's fall is pretty rad ladies and gentlemen. So we've got the Rock, Kane, Big Show, and X-Pac as our final four and woooooooooah Kane body slams the Big Show which is cool but then X-Pac spin kicks Kane out and then aaaaaaaaaaahahahaha the Big Show who has been pressing dudes for ages but NOT throwing them out now throws X-Pac out in awesome fashion and I have been wrong to doubt him. The Rock is all over Big Show and CONNECTS with the "People's Elbow" however the Big Show hits a choke slam and this is pretty cool and OOOOOH SHIT THAT WAS AWESOME THE ROCK WINS it's like the Big Show is totally slamming The Rock over the top but the Rock just kind of hooked the top rope and tucked back in as the Big Show crashed to the floor to end a totally good Royal Rumble match and put the EXCLAMATION POINT on the best Royal Rumble pay per view thus far ladies and gentlemen the Rock is going to Wrestlemania good afternoon from my house yeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah oh wait the Big Show is back in to toss the Rock around and *get his heat back* OK fine and now there is some home video exclusive footage of The Rock in conversation with I guess that's Tom Pritchard maybe and finally we get pretty gnarly footage of Triple H getting that pallet wound in his leg stitched up and he's like "can somebody go into the crowd and tell my parents I'm OK?" and somebody is like yeah OK I'll do that now


WHAT A SHOW 


also *SPLOONT*: http://youtu.be/2wMt94KDiQg